Original subtitles

Hey, Arthur?

Yeah?

Um, listen, I don't mean to push,

but, uh, we got an hour and a half before show time.

I need Larry to go over the monologue.

Thank you, Philip.

We've got an hour and 23 minutes till show time,

which explains the bad timing of your jokes.

My timing's fine.

Oh, good afternoon, Beverly.

How far did you and the fugitive get

till your conscience caught up with you?

Artie, I've been looking all over for him myself.

He was at the back doctor earlier. That might--

Shit, he's been to the back doctor every day this week.

I hope Larry's back doesn't fall off.

Because then, what would hold up his ass?

Oh, God, will somebody help me round him up?!

Hank!

Hank! Come on!

Let's go, Roseanne's waiting.

We're going to rehearse without him.

Well, if Larry's not going to rehearse,

I don't think I should be forced to rehearse.

You get your ass out there.

Okay. Let me get my script.

Ah, uh, uh...

Well, what'd you bite into?

It was chicken bone in a sandwich. Uh-huh.

Can you come in for an x-ray?

Well, you know, I'm really busy.

I don't know when I can get in there. Yeah, yeah.

Well, you're a very busy man. Why don't I just give you something for the pain

until you can schedule an appointment?

Yeah? I don't mind, you know, toughing it out. Oww!

Oh. Will, uh, 10 tablets hold you?

Yeah. 10 what?

Pernacet.

15 would be good and probably hold me over till-- Oww!

Well, no problem.

Why don't you make it an even 20?

'Cause this thing's gonna flare up at night. I just know it.

Okay. Thanks a lot.

I really appreciate you coming over.

Call me whenever you need me.

I'll talk to you around 6:00 tonight? Good.

That's funny, you should have your own talk show.

Wow.

There you are.

Artie's going crazy looking for you. I'm sitting right here.

Take it easy, I'm not hiding out or anything.

Well, they need you. They need you down on stage Fine!

for rehearsal with Hank and Roseanne. I'm coming.

You're up to three of those now?

That-- that is the recommended dosage.

Yeah, for a 1,500-pound man.

Oh, well, I've never been so insulted in my life.

Uh... Larry, are you okay?

Everything is fine.

I just have a pain in my back that doesn't go away, and I'll be f...

Well, you're not gonna see it.

I'm sorry.

Hey, who is that?

Uh...

Did you pick up that prescription for me?

Lar, I tried, but the pharmacist said

they can't fill it up again.

Well, that's... bullshit. That is bullshit.

They can only fill it up three times, Larry.

Well, then-- they already filled it up five times,

so obviously they're lying, so just go back.

Clinton's right.

The health care system in this country is just all fucked.

Lar--

Dammit. I told props

that I needed a flammable animal.

Oh, so, Larry, right on time as usual.

Everything okay, my boy? Yeah.

Why is everybody asking me

if everything's okay today? I mean, uh--

And they say television people don't care.

Will you take a gander at Paula's excellent questions?

Phil will put your favorite jokes on the card.

The chair is not the right height.

We need to have it adjusted. Bobby!

Uh, Hank and Roseanne, we're waiting for them.

They're just getting dressed

and they'll be right in for rehearsal.

Where's his hat? There's a fire chief da--

Bobby!

Where's Larry's fireman hat?

I don't need the fucking hat!

I gotta get the chair adjusted.

Look, I'm low, m-- I'm not gonna be seen above the animals.

Could we get the-- Just stand up.

It's a quarter of an inch low.

Stand up, will you?

I can't stand up the whole show, can I?

Then I'd be, uh...

Alex Trebek?

Alex Trebek.

No. I'm just saying, uh, you know,

so Bobby can adjust the chair.

Bobby. Bobby. Who gives a shit about Bobby?

Maybe we need a new chair adjuster.

Have you ever thought of that?

Yeah. Because someone has been sitting in my chair.

Maybe it's Mama Bear.

Talentless fat fuck.

Just worry about the couch

and trying not to fuck up, all right?

Where you goin', Lar?

I'm going to do the show in my car where the seats

are adjusted properly.

We'll find you there?

Hey, he was just kidding around, you know.

Jesus! What the hell's wrong with Larry?

Whoo! What a delightful bride of Christ you make, Roseanne.

Yeah. He thinks so, too.

Hey.

So what's up with Larry?

It's prescription pain killers, isn't it?

I've talked to Larry about going cold turkey,

but as far as we can get is to a modified rationing program.

You guys go way back, don't you?

You worked in the clubs. Mm.

Maybe you and I could sit him down and talk to him.

Jeez, I don't know, Artie.

I mean, I think it's gonna take a lot more than just talk.

Jesus!

This place looks like the stock room at Upjohn.

Yeah, another jackpot in the guest crapper.

You know, um...

this prescription has your name on it, Arthur.

Oh, well, uh... Oh, these are placebos.

Part of that modified rationing program I told you about. Listen to me.

What? The pills in this box were all prescribed

by a licensed medical dentist

for a very painful bridge problem.

He told me root canal.

Okay, so I'm not an expert in periodontics.

Are you? I need these.

You know, Larry, I used to go to three

or four dentists a week myself.

Uh-huh. Including Dr. Beckerman.

Dr. Beckerman?

I don't know that name. It's not familiar to me.

Come on.

Oh.

Oh, look at this.

Yeah?

A bottle of Pernacet half-empty.

Or half-full, depending on how you look at it.

What else?

Well, just a bunch of ugly sweatshirts.

Oh, boy, those things are loaded.

Check the pockets and the hoods.

Oh, here he comes.

And another thing. Yes?

You cannot keep me in my own house.

I don't care what you say.

Who do you think I am, huh?

Patty Hearst? Patty Hearst?

Listen, you're gonna have to stay in your own house

because we can't put you in rehab, Sonny boy, Uh-huh.

because we've already used that excuse.

If we do it again, I, well-- I guarantee you,

Fox will make a TV movie about you before the end of the year.

Oh, fuckers!

I'll have to go with him on that one.

Ha ha. No, Melody, it's not pelvic, it's ocular.

It's a minor eye infection.

Yes, he'll be out till Monday.

No, we're working on

finding a guest host right now.

Yeah, we'll give you his name in a mom'. Ta-ta.

Who? Martin Mull.

Threatens Larry. Mike Myers.

Threatens Larry. Tony Danza.

Threatens Larry.

Pat Sajak.

Thanks. Thank you very much.

Thanks a lot. Thank you.

Well, it-- it's just a real pleasure to be here

with such a fine group of people.

Now, I know I don't know all your names,

so, you know, if I call you "hey, you," don't be offended.

In fact, you can call me, "hey, you," if you'd like.

They made me book him 'cause he's the only one

who doesn't threaten Larry.

That's not nice.

He does so threaten Larry.

Anyway, bear with me

because I get the hang of things quickly and...

Bev, when exactly did Larry start taking these pills

on an hourly basis?

Artie, number one on my job description

is to keep Larry's secrets to myself.

That's rule number one.

What's rule number two,

filling his prescriptions as soon as possible, hmm?

Now, I'd like everyone to forget

that I once hosted a late night talk show.

I know I certainly have.

(laughter)

What was it again?

"Talentless fat fuck," right?

Pat Sajak: I catch onto things quickly.

Yes. Very hurtful.

Not entirely accurate.

I've lost upwards of 14 pounds.

Oh, so-- so "talentless fuck"

would have been more appropriate.

You're a skinny little shit.

Pat Sajak: So again,

thank you all very much.

Artie: Let's hear it!

(cheering)

All right, dismissed.

Let's be careful out there tonight, people.

Arthur, excuse me, but what's really wrong with Larry?

Just between you and me. Laryngitis.

For a week?

Uh, and a stomach virus.

Anything else?

A bad case of Pat "Sajakitis".

We're all giddy with it, my boy.

I'm sure tonight's audience will be. Thank you so much.

If you need anything from me, just holler.

You take the yellow book. I have a piece of paper.

What we're going to do is this.

I would like you to please turn to any page.

Okay. This is highly complex. All right.

Tell me what the page is.

I will jot down the page. don't let me see that...

You want the page number? Correct.

The page number is... Is? Yes?

You're so smart. You should know.

I'm gonna jot it down. 21.

I'm not Kreskin here.

21. 21.

Mm-hmm. Okay, I want you to look at the first word.

The very first word on that page.

Now, not the title of the book.

No, no. But the very first word.

Don't let me see it. This is legit.

Now, it happens to be the title of a chapter.

Do you want me to start with the text or the chapter of the title?

The title of the chapter or whatever I'm saying?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

No, the very first word of the text. The first word...

Of the text. All right, I got it. Yes.

All right, now, you'll verify

we had nothing prearranged between us.

Is that right? Well, that's painfully obvious.

When did Sajak get so fucking funny?

Huh? Larry.

Look, I don't have any deep reason for taking the pills.

They just take the edge off and they help me perform.

Yeah, and you probably don't think that

they affect you at all, right?

No, they affect me. They take the edge off

and they help me perform.

But what are the bad effects?

I am under a lot of pressure.

I host a late night talk show.

Every night.

Do you have any idea what the demands of that are?

No, none at all. I only have a top 10 show. Uh-huh.

And I was abused as a kid,

and I spent time in a nuthouse and sucky marriages,

and last week, "Weekly World News"

ran my head on the body of a dog.

No, I have absolutely no fucking idea.

I see. So your show's still in the top 10, huh?

Well, yeah.

Until they run that "Frasier" guy against us. Yeah.

All right, look, you wanna know what it is?

My second wife got married and had a, uh, a baby

and she's very happy,

and that's a little difficult for me to deal with.

You don't think "Frasier" is that good, do you?

Tuna burgers, compliments of Michel Richard.

They're not supposed to be microwaved,

but, uh, c'est la vie.

That's French for get 'em while they're hot!

(chuckling) You know, Artie is the guy you should be talking to.

Nothing wrong with me.

Oh, yeah, nothing a little salty dog can't fix.

You should see his filing cabinets.

It's like a wine cellar with a-- with handles.

You know what you put me through?

I had to listen to a 45-minute lecture

from Miss Uptight Anonymous.

Listen, I gotta get out of here.

You know what? I'm going stir crazy.

I can't sleep, gotta get out of here.

Well, your sweetie pie agent Stevie is waiting for you.

That should cheer you up.

Stevie's here?

He's out there? Yeah.

Ahem.

Looking for something?

Where are my sweatshirts?

We just flushed all that shit down the disposal.

Great, now you know what you've done?

You forced me to talk to my agent without a pill.

Are you aware of that?

Eventually, everyone has to, Larry.

Oh...

Roseanne is actually sleeping here while you get better?

It just blows my mind.

Yeah. Why? I mean, what?

Did you pull her out of a burning building

at some point, or did you sit through "She-Devil"? I-- I--

I don't know, she's just doing it, you know?

I don't know why.

I don't want to sound like a cheese-ball here, but, uh, she's a special lady.

Very bright, very talented. Yeah.

She's with William Morris, right?

I don't know.

Is she happy over there?

Is she happy with the representation? I don't...

We were talking about my drug problem.

Right. Right.

Thanks for bringing the basket though.

Well, I-- No, actually, this is for her.

Um, your-- your basket won't be ready until tomorrow.

You like that sugar-free shit, right?

(cheers and applause)

Thanks.

Back with the comedian Jeff Cesario.

Any message you'd like to send Larry, Jeff?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Actually, Larry,

if it's any consolation,

I, uh, I pulled my groin once, too,

and I know how painful that that can be.

I heard he had laryngitis.

Well, you know, when you pull your groin,

your-- your voice has a tendency to go.

Yeah, or go up at least, I guess.

You ain't sharp behind that shit.

No, I am so sharp.

I've been sharp.

What about the Jamie Lee Curtis interview?

Right, that's a perfect example.

I thought I was hilarious with Jamie Lee Curtis.

I thought I was on my game and very funny.

Jamie Lee Curtis has never been on the show, Larry.

You know, those Nike commercials,

I don't know-- I don't know what they cost,

but that's the kind we-- we should have one of the guys

who makes that on the show.

Christ, am I getting through to you at all, huh?

That would be interesting.

You know, when you were smoking weed,

you were kinda funny.

But I-- When you started taking these percs and bourbon, The ball is bouncing...

it's like you're working behind eight feet of ice!

It looks like all one shot.

All right, let us know when we're close.

Is it eczema? Psoriasis?

Anything in the skin disease family?

Jock itch? You know what?

Even if you guessed, I wouldn't tell you.

He's having a nose job, right?

Just say it.

Oh, my god, Darlene, did you hear?

Larry's getting pectoral implants.

Oh, that's not funny.

Shouldn't make fun of Larry's pain, whatever it is.

Hank thinks it's the Santa Ana winds.

He said Larry's allergic and his face swells up.

I think you cut my hair too short.

Not on that side, I didn't.

What do you mean not on that side?

(coughs)

Roseanne?

(bell ringing)

Roseanne!

Roseanne: I'm coming!

Well, good morning. Hey, morning.

What?

Ah, I found this on the carpet next to my slipper.

Get rid of it. It's not controlling me anymore.

I'm a new man.

It's a fucking Tic Tac.

Oh.

But that's progress. Thank you.

Thank you.

You know you're next step, Huh?

uh, should be to tell your staff.

I'm not telling the staff.

Come on, you're in recovery now

and you're gonna need a lot of support.

I can't go through this.

I'm not-- it's none of their fucking business.

Well, you're the one that went on TV

a year ago and told the whole country

that you were a drug addict when it wasn't even true.

That is by far-- That is different.

There's a big difference.

First of all, I didn't have a drug problem.

I was lying because I was covering a nervous breakdown.

Number two, it was on television,

so it doesn't mean shit.

God!

Come on.

You tell your staff everything?

No! I don't have to! They go through my garbage.

Listen, your staff, like it or not, is like your family.

Not my staff. You-- you gotta let 'em know.

No. No. No.

And that is the end of the discussion.

Come on, look. look.

I thought you'd all be at work at 11:00.

Hey, sport, it's Saturday.

Oh, well, still...

Anyway, I'm glad you're here

because I'd like to tell you a little something about, uh,

what's been going on the last, uh... few days.

As you can see, I don't have any laryngitis

and I don't have any back problem.

I have a, uh,

no problem with my groin, I'm proud to say.

But I do have a small, very tiny...

Addiction.

Addiction to prescription painkillers.

Drugs.

Yeah, but prescription nonetheless.

I think they're the ones that anybody could get

or probably did.

Anybody takes. Addicts.

And, uh, I can't tell you what it means, uh...

I guess Pernacet was the-- the main one.

And the Diazapam.

I don't remember what the trade name or street name.

Roseanne: Red wowies.

And it means a lot to me that I-- that you care enough

to be here today to see how I'm doing.

We love you, Larry.

Phil: Yeah, go get 'em, Larry.

Stevie: You're my client.

Paula: Pay up, everybody.

So, Paula, you, uh-- Paula, how much did you win?

$200. 200, wow! You--

So you bet that I had a drug problem.

Yes, sir.

Well, consider that a Christmas bonus.

Paula: Thank you.

I believe that's 190 more than you received last year.

But wait a minute, you were taking the painkillers

because of the nose job, right? So I should win.

Okay, everybody. Are we done?

No, doll. We're just gonna go down here and sit.

We're just gonna sit here.

Come on, sit. Sit down.

Ahem. Now...

an important, uh, part of this process

is that we need to go around the room

and everybody needs to tell Larry

how his behavior has hurt them.

Who wants to go first?

Good, well, no one seems to have a problem,

so, muffins, and then, uh, out you go.

Come on, Larry. Come on, Larry.

Let us in, come on.

Anybody?

Stevie: Roseanne,

how'd you like the muffin basket?

Stevie, focus.

Come on. Anyone?

You know, um,

it hurt me when you rejected my gay Evangelist sketch.

Oh, come on, that-- that sketch was over the top.

There was a character named Jerry Fagwell in it.

Larry, this is not the time to be judgmental.

You didn't see it. You didn't-- you didn't see it.

That was a piece of garbage, that sketch.

You would've probably liked it.

As I recall, it was just-- why--

This is not about me, okay?

I'm here to help you.

I'm not the one with the pill problem,

you self-destructive asshole.

Okay, anyone?

Sorry, Hank, we're out of time. Darlene?

It really hurt me when you called Hank a fat shit.

No, Darlene, it was a talentless fat fuck.

It-- it-- it all makes sense to me now.

What does?

Well, you know, when you called me that hurtful name.

Oh. You-- you were just so doped out on drugs,

you just-- you didn't know what you were saying.

Hank, that's water under the bridge. Hey, no, I--

I remember, though, exactly what I was saying.

It was about the chair height, wasn't it?

Yes, right. Yeah, I said that the chair was too low

Right. and it needed to be adjusted, and he called Bobby.

It's been fixed. And then I sat down in the chair,

and I said "Someone else has been sitting in my chair."

Right, and that's when I said-- You said, "Mama Bear."

Come on, Hank. Hey, let's go to the Smoke House. We'll bring you some ribs.

Okay. All right, see you. Hup! Hup! Hip!

Hi. Hey, Rosie.

You ready for lunch? Yeah.

Gee, I'm all set. Thanks for coming by.

Yeah. Oh, boy, you look so much better,

I can't even believe it.

Oh, listen, thanks to you. Have a seat.

You know, I gotta tell you,

the best thing that's happened from this drug addiction thing

is that I've been able to get to know you a little bit better.

Oh, now, you know, you say that to all the girls.

No, that is not true. I can talk to you the way I can't talk to anybody else.

I mean it. I can't-- I can't believe it.

Well, you know, you can always talk to me.

Thanks.

No. Thank you.

'Cause, you know, most of the guys I meet

are just like walking heaps of shit.

(laughing)

So it was really good for me, too.

Oh, great.

Well, I loved having you over at the house, and, uh...

I liked being there. And, uh...

Do you get lonely?

Well, yeah. Yeah?

Will you marry me?

I know that... sounds silly.

But I mean it.

Well, are you sure that you're not just saying that

because you want the time slot after my show?

I don't think so.

I don't really want your time slot.

I want you.

Oh, jeez.

Say that again.

I want you.

No, the thing about the time slot.

(theme music playing)