All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S03E17_English

Hey, Arthur?

Yeah?

Um, listen,
I don't mean to push,

but, uh, we got an hour
and a half before show time.

I need Larry to
go over the monologue.

Thank you, Philip.

We've got an hour
and 23 minutes till show time,

which explains the bad
timing of your jokes.

My timing's fine.

Oh, good afternoon,
Beverly.

How far did you
and the fugitive get

till your conscience
caught up with you?

Artie, I've been looking
all over for him myself.

He was at the back
doctor earlier. That might--

Shit, he's been to the back
doctor every day this week.

I hope Larry's back
doesn't fall off.

Because then, what
would hold up his ass?

Oh, God, will somebody
help me round him up?!

Hank!

Hank!
Come on!

Let's go,
Roseanne's waiting.

We're going to rehearse
without him.

Well, if Larry's
not going to rehearse,

I don't think I should
be forced to rehearse.

You get your ass out there.

Okay. Let me
get my script.

Ah, uh, uh...

Well, what'd you
bite into?

It was chicken bone
in a sandwich.
Uh-huh.

Can you come in
for an x-ray?

Well, you know,
I'm really busy.

I don't know when
I can get in there.
Yeah, yeah.

Well, you're a very busy man.
Why don't I just give you
something for the pain

until you can
schedule an appointment?

Yeah? I don't mind, you know,
toughing it out. Oww!

Oh. Will, uh,
10 tablets hold you?

Yeah. 10 what?

Pernacet.

15 would be good and probably
hold me over till-- Oww!

Well, no problem.

Why don't you make it
an even 20?

'Cause this thing's gonna
flare up at night.
I just know it.

Okay.
Thanks a lot.

I really appreciate
you coming over.

Call me whenever
you need me.

I'll talk to you around
6:00 tonight? Good.

That's funny, you should
have your own talk show.

Wow.

There you are.

Artie's going crazy
looking for you.
I'm sitting right here.

Take it easy, I'm not
hiding out or anything.

Well, they need you.
They need you down on stage
Fine!

for rehearsal with
Hank and Roseanne.
I'm coming.

You're up to three
of those now?

That-- that is
the recommended dosage.

Yeah, for
a 1,500-pound man.

Oh, well, I've never been
so insulted in my life.

Uh... Larry, are you okay?

Everything is fine.

I just have a pain in my back
that doesn't go away,
and I'll be f...

Well, you're not
gonna see it.

I'm sorry.

Hey, who is that?

Uh...

Did you pick up that
prescription for me?

Lar, I tried,
but the pharmacist said

they can't fill it up again.

Well, that's... bullshit.
That is bullshit.

They can only fill it up
three times, Larry.

Well, then-- they already
filled it up five times,

so obviously they're lying,
so just go back.

Clinton's right.

The health care system in
this country is just all fucked.

Lar--

Dammit. I told props

that I needed
a flammable animal.

Oh, so, Larry,
right on time as usual.

Everything okay, my boy?
Yeah.

Why is everybody asking me

if everything's okay today?
I mean, uh--

And they say television
people don't care.

Will you take a gander
at Paula's excellent questions?

Phil will put your
favorite jokes on the card.

The chair is not
the right height.

We need to have it adjusted.
Bobby!

Uh, Hank and Roseanne,
we're waiting for them.

They're just getting dressed

and they'll be right in
for rehearsal.

Where's his hat?
There's a fire chief da--

Bobby!

Where's Larry's
fireman hat?

I don't need
the fucking hat!

I gotta get the chair
adjusted.

Look, I'm low, m-- I'm not gonna
be seen above the animals.

Could we get the--
Just stand up.

It's a quarter
of an inch low.

Stand up, will you?

I can't stand up
the whole show, can I?

Then I'd be, uh...

Alex Trebek?

Alex Trebek.

No. I'm just saying,
uh, you know,

so Bobby can
adjust the chair.

Bobby. Bobby. Who gives
a shit about Bobby?

Maybe we need
a new chair adjuster.

Have you ever
thought of that?

Yeah.
Because someone has been
sitting in my chair.

Maybe it's Mama Bear.

Talentless fat fuck.

Just worry about the couch

and trying not to fuck up,
all right?

Where you goin', Lar?

I'm going to do the show
in my car where the seats

are adjusted properly.

We'll find you there?

Hey, he was just kidding
around, you know.

Jesus! What the hell's wrong
with Larry?

Whoo! What a delightful bride
of Christ you make, Roseanne.

Yeah. He thinks so, too.

Hey.

So what's up with Larry?

It's prescription
pain killers, isn't it?

I've talked to Larry
about going cold turkey,

but as far as we can get is
to a modified rationing program.

You guys go way back,
don't you?

You worked in the clubs.
Mm.

Maybe you and I could
sit him down and talk to him.

Jeez, I don't know, Artie.

I mean, I think it's gonna take
a lot more than just talk.

Jesus!

This place looks like
the stock room at Upjohn.

Yeah, another jackpot
in the guest crapper.

You know, um...

this prescription
has your name on it, Arthur.

Oh, well, uh...
Oh, these are placebos.

Part of that modified rationing
program I told you about.
Listen to me.

What?
The pills in this box
were all prescribed

by a licensed medical dentist

for a very painful
bridge problem.

He told me root canal.

Okay, so I'm not an expert
in periodontics.

Are you?
I need these.

You know, Larry,
I used to go to three

or four dentists
a week myself.

Uh-huh.
Including Dr. Beckerman.

Dr. Beckerman?

I don't know that name.
It's not familiar to me.

Come on.

Oh.

Oh, look at this.

Yeah?

A bottle of Pernacet
half-empty.

Or half-full, depending
on how you look at it.

What else?

Well, just a bunch of
ugly sweatshirts.

Oh, boy, those
things are loaded.

Check the pockets
and the hoods.

Oh, here he comes.

And another thing.
Yes?

You cannot keep me
in my own house.

I don't care
what you say.

Who do you think
I am, huh?

Patty Hearst?
Patty Hearst?

Listen, you're gonna have
to stay in your own house

because we can't put you
in rehab, Sonny boy,
Uh-huh.

because we've already
used that excuse.

If we do it again, I, well--
I guarantee you,

Fox will make a TV movie about
you before the end of the year.

Oh, fuckers!

I'll have to go
with him on that one.

Ha ha. No, Melody,
it's not pelvic, it's ocular.

It's a minor eye infection.

Yes, he'll be out
till Monday.

No, we're working on

finding a guest host
right now.

Yeah, we'll give you
his name in a mom'. Ta-ta.

Who?
Martin Mull.

Threatens Larry.
Mike Myers.

Threatens Larry.
Tony Danza.

Threatens Larry.

Pat Sajak.

Thanks.
Thank you very much.

Thanks a lot.
Thank you.

Well, it-- it's just
a real pleasure to be here

with such a fine group
of people.

Now, I know I don't know
all your names,

so, you know,
if I call you "hey, you,"
don't be offended.

In fact, you can call me,
"hey, you," if you'd like.

They made me book him
'cause he's the only one

who doesn't threaten Larry.

That's not nice.

He does so
threaten Larry.

Anyway, bear with me

because I get the hang
of things quickly and...

Bev, when exactly did Larry
start taking these pills

on an hourly basis?

Artie, number one
on my job description

is to keep Larry's
secrets to myself.

That's rule number one.

What's rule number two,

filling his prescriptions
as soon as possible, hmm?

Now, I'd like everyone
to forget

that I once hosted
a late night talk show.

I know I certainly have.

(laughter)

What was it again?

"Talentless fat fuck," right?

Pat Sajak:
I catch onto things quickly.

Yes. Very hurtful.

Not entirely accurate.

I've lost upwards
of 14 pounds.

Oh, so--
so "talentless fuck"

would have been
more appropriate.

You're a skinny little shit.

Pat Sajak:
So again,

thank you all very much.

Artie:
Let's hear it!

(cheering)

All right, dismissed.

Let's be careful out there
tonight, people.

Arthur, excuse me, but what's
really wrong with Larry?

Just between you and me.
Laryngitis.

For a week?

Uh, and a stomach virus.

Anything else?

A bad case
of Pat "Sajakitis".

We're all giddy
with it, my boy.

I'm sure tonight's audience
will be. Thank you so much.

If you need anything
from me, just holler.

You take the yellow book.
I have a piece of paper.

What we're going
to do is this.

I would like you to
please turn to any page.

Okay. This is
highly complex. All right.

Tell me what the page is.

I will jot down the page.
don't let me see that...

You want
the page number?
Correct.

The page number is...
Is? Yes?

You're so smart.
You should know.

I'm gonna jot it down.
21.

I'm not Kreskin here.

21.
21.

Mm-hmm.
Okay, I want you to look
at the first word.

The very first word
on that page.

Now, not the title
of the book.

No, no.
But the very first word.

Don't let me see it.
This is legit.

Now, it happens to be
the title of a chapter.

Do you want me to start
with the text or the chapter
of the title?

The title of the chapter
or whatever I'm saying?

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

No, the very first word
of the text.
The first word...

Of the text.
All right, I got it.
Yes.

All right, now, you'll verify

we had nothing prearranged
between us.

Is that right?
Well, that's painfully obvious.

When did Sajak
get so fucking funny?

Huh?
Larry.

Look, I don't have any deep
reason for taking the pills.

They just take the edge off
and they help me perform.

Yeah, and you probably
don't think that

they affect you at all, right?

No, they affect me.
They take the edge off

and they help me perform.

But what are
the bad effects?

I am under a lot
of pressure.

I host a late night talk show.

Every night.

Do you have any idea what
the demands of that are?

No, none at all.
I only have a top 10 show.
Uh-huh.

And I was abused as a kid,

and I spent time in a nuthouse
and sucky marriages,

and last week,
"Weekly World News"

ran my head
on the body of a dog.

No, I have absolutely
no fucking idea.

I see. So your show's
still in the top 10, huh?

Well, yeah.

Until they run
that "Frasier" guy against us.
Yeah.

All right, look,
you wanna know what it is?

My second wife got married
and had a, uh, a baby

and she's very happy,

and that's a little
difficult for me to deal with.

You don't think "Frasier" is
that good, do you?

Tuna burgers, compliments
of Michel Richard.

They're not supposed
to be microwaved,

but, uh, c'est la vie.

That's French for get
'em while they're hot!

(chuckling)
You know, Artie is the guy
you should be talking to.

Nothing wrong with me.

Oh, yeah, nothing a little
salty dog can't fix.

You should see
his filing cabinets.

It's like a wine cellar
with a-- with handles.

You know what you
put me through?

I had to listen to
a 45-minute lecture

from Miss Uptight Anonymous.

Listen, I gotta
get out of here.

You know what?
I'm going stir crazy.

I can't sleep,
gotta get out of here.

Well, your sweetie pie
agent Stevie is waiting for you.

That should cheer you up.

Stevie's here?

He's out there?
Yeah.

Ahem.

Looking for something?

Where are my sweatshirts?

We just flushed all that
shit down the disposal.

Great, now you know
what you've done?

You forced me to talk to
my agent without a pill.

Are you aware of that?

Eventually,
everyone has to, Larry.

Oh...

Roseanne is actually sleeping
here while you get better?

It just blows my mind.

Yeah.
Why? I mean, what?

Did you pull her out
of a burning building

at some point, or did you sit
through "She-Devil"?
I-- I--

I don't know,
she's just doing it, you know?

I don't know why.

I don't want to sound
like a cheese-ball here,
but, uh, she's a special lady.

Very bright,
very talented.
Yeah.

She's with William Morris,
right?

I don't know.

Is she happy over there?

Is she happy with
the representation?
I don't...

We were talking about
my drug problem.

Right. Right.

Thanks for bringing
the basket though.

Well, I-- No, actually,
this is for her.

Um, your-- your basket won't be
ready until tomorrow.

You like that
sugar-free shit, right?

(cheers and applause)

Thanks.

Back with the comedian
Jeff Cesario.

Any message you'd like
to send Larry, Jeff?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Actually, Larry,

if it's any consolation,

I, uh, I pulled
my groin once, too,

and I know how
painful that that can be.

I heard
he had laryngitis.

Well, you know,
when you pull your groin,

your-- your voice has
a tendency to go.

Yeah, or go up
at least, I guess.

You ain't sharp
behind that shit.

No, I am so sharp.

I've been sharp.

What about the Jamie
Lee Curtis interview?

Right, that's
a perfect example.

I thought I was hilarious
with Jamie Lee Curtis.

I thought I was on my game
and very funny.

Jamie Lee Curtis has never
been on the show, Larry.

You know,
those Nike commercials,

I don't know--
I don't know what they cost,

but that's the kind we--
we should have one of the guys

who makes that on the show.

Christ, am I getting
through to you at all, huh?

That would be interesting.

You know, when you were
smoking weed,

you were kinda funny.

But I-- When you started taking
these percs and bourbon,
The ball is bouncing...

it's like you're working
behind eight feet of ice!

It looks like all one shot.

All right, let us know
when we're close.

Is it eczema?
Psoriasis?

Anything in
the skin disease family?

Jock itch?
You know what?

Even if you guessed,
I wouldn't tell you.

He's having
a nose job, right?

Just say it.

Oh, my god, Darlene,
did you hear?

Larry's getting
pectoral implants.

Oh, that's not funny.

Shouldn't make fun of
Larry's pain, whatever it is.

Hank thinks it's
the Santa Ana winds.

He said Larry's allergic
and his face swells up.

I think you cut my hair
too short.

Not on that side,
I didn't.

What do you mean
not on that side?

(coughs)

Roseanne?

(bell ringing)

Roseanne!

Roseanne:
I'm coming!

Well, good morning.
Hey, morning.

What?

Ah, I found this on
the carpet next to my slipper.

Get rid of it.
It's not controlling me anymore.

I'm a new man.

It's a fucking Tic Tac.

Oh.

But that's progress.
Thank you.

Thank you.

You know you're next step,
Huh?

uh, should be
to tell your staff.

I'm not telling the staff.

Come on, you're
in recovery now

and you're gonna need
a lot of support.

I can't go through this.

I'm not-- it's none
of their fucking business.

Well, you're the one
that went on TV

a year ago and told
the whole country

that you were a drug addict
when it wasn't even true.

That is by far--
That is different.

There's a big difference.

First of all, I didn't
have a drug problem.

I was lying because I was
covering a nervous breakdown.

Number two,
it was on television,

so it doesn't mean shit.

God!

Come on.

You tell your staff
everything?

No! I don't have to!
They go through my garbage.

Listen, your staff, like it
or not, is like your family.

Not my staff.
You-- you gotta let 'em know.

No. No. No.

And that is
the end of the discussion.

Come on, look. look.

I thought you'd all
be at work at 11:00.

Hey, sport,
it's Saturday.

Oh, well, still...

Anyway, I'm glad
you're here

because I'd like to tell you
a little something about, uh,

what's been going on
the last, uh... few days.

As you can see, I don't
have any laryngitis

and I don't
have any back problem.

I have a, uh,

no problem with my groin,
I'm proud to say.

But I do have a small,
very tiny...

Addiction.

Addiction to prescription
painkillers.

Drugs.

Yeah, but prescription
nonetheless.

I think they're the ones
that anybody could get

or probably did.

Anybody takes.
Addicts.

And, uh, I can't tell you
what it means, uh...

I guess Pernacet
was the-- the main one.

And the Diazapam.

I don't remember what
the trade name or street name.

Roseanne:
Red wowies.

And it means a lot to me
that I-- that you care enough

to be here today
to see how I'm doing.

We love you, Larry.

Phil:
Yeah, go get 'em, Larry.

Stevie:
You're my client.

Paula:
Pay up, everybody.

So, Paula, you, uh--
Paula, how much did you win?

$200.
200, wow! You--

So you bet that
I had a drug problem.

Yes, sir.

Well, consider that
a Christmas bonus.

Paula:
Thank you.

I believe that's 190 more
than you received last year.

But wait a minute, you were
taking the painkillers

because of the nose job, right?
So I should win.

Okay, everybody.
Are we done?

No, doll. We're just gonna
go down here and sit.

We're just gonna sit here.

Come on, sit.
Sit down.

Ahem. Now...

an important, uh,
part of this process

is that we need
to go around the room

and everybody needs
to tell Larry

how his behavior
has hurt them.

Who wants to go first?

Good, well, no one
seems to have a problem,

so, muffins,
and then, uh, out you go.

Come on, Larry.
Come on, Larry.

Let us in, come on.

Anybody?

Stevie:
Roseanne,

how'd you like
the muffin basket?

Stevie, focus.

Come on. Anyone?

You know, um,

it hurt me when you rejected
my gay Evangelist sketch.

Oh, come on, that--
that sketch was over the top.

There was a character
named Jerry Fagwell in it.

Larry, this is not
the time to be judgmental.

You didn't see it.
You didn't-- you
didn't see it.

That was a piece of garbage,
that sketch.

You would've probably
liked it.

As I recall,
it was just-- why--

This is not about me, okay?

I'm here to help you.

I'm not the one
with the pill problem,

you self-destructive asshole.

Okay, anyone?

Sorry, Hank, we're out of time.
Darlene?

It really hurt me when
you called Hank a fat shit.

No, Darlene,
it was a talentless fat fuck.

It-- it-- it all makes sense
to me now.

What does?

Well, you know,
when you called me
that hurtful name.

Oh.
You-- you were just
so doped out on drugs,

you just-- you didn't know
what you were saying.

Hank, that's water
under the bridge.
Hey, no, I--

I remember, though,
exactly what I was saying.

It was about the chair
height, wasn't it?

Yes, right.
Yeah, I said that
the chair was too low

Right.
and it needed to be adjusted,
and he called Bobby.

It's been fixed.
And then I sat
down in the chair,

and I said "Someone else
has been sitting in my chair."

Right, and that's when I said--
You said, "Mama Bear."

Come on, Hank. Hey,
let's go to the Smoke House.
We'll bring you some ribs.

Okay. All right, see you.
Hup! Hup! Hip!

Hi.
Hey, Rosie.

You ready for lunch?
Yeah.

Gee, I'm all set.
Thanks for coming by.

Yeah. Oh, boy,
you look so much better,

I can't even believe it.

Oh, listen, thanks to you.
Have a seat.

You know,
I gotta tell you,

the best thing that's happened
from this drug addiction thing

is that I've been able to get
to know you a little bit better.

Oh, now, you know,
you say that to all the girls.

No, that is not true.
I can talk to you the way
I can't talk to anybody else.

I mean it. I can't--
I can't believe it.

Well, you know,
you can always talk to me.

Thanks.

No. Thank you.

'Cause, you know,
most of the guys I meet

are just like
walking heaps of shit.

(laughing)

So it was really
good for me, too.

Oh, great.

Well, I loved having you
over at the house, and, uh...

I liked being there.
And, uh...

Do you get lonely?

Well, yeah.
Yeah?

Will you marry me?

I know that...
sounds silly.

But I mean it.

Well, are you sure that
you're not just saying that

because you want
the time slot after my show?

I don't think so.

I don't really want
your time slot.

I want you.

Oh, jeez.

Say that again.

I want you.

No, the thing about
the time slot.

(theme music playing)