Original subtitles

Larry: Yikes.

(door opens)

Ooh, fore!

That...

You're supposed to put it in the hole.

Yeah, I know. That's something

my ex-wife used to tell me. Excuse me.

Do you wanna play through?

Uh, no, I'm fine.

Uh, listen, Clint Black is here

ready for a sound check, and he needs to know Uh-huh.

how many songs you want him to do tonight.

I don't know, that would be Artie's call.

Well, Artie's not back from lunch.

That's why I'm asking you.

Artie went out to lunch? That's right.

Well, he never goes out to lunch.

I am aware of that.

Well, why would he go out to lunch?

To Arthur...

the sweetest and sexiest man in the world.

(chuckles)

To Donna, one of the most beautiful women

I've ever had the pleasure to know.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I spoke with Harry Albertson today.

Oh, Harry. Harry's a good boy. He's over at CBS now?

Mm-hmm, he's producing our 12:30 show after Letterman.

He said to be sure to tell you hello.

Oh, Harry's a good guy. Give him my best.

And will you please give my congratulations

and a friendly fuck you to Tom Snyder?

I can't believe he jumped ship like that.

Clint Black? How many songs?

Beverly, please, I-- I just want to enjoy my little snack

without this kind of pressure.

Look, Larry, the man is waiting for an answer

and I'm getting stressed out, and when I get stressed out,

I-- I retain water. I know, I know, I hear you.

I hear you, so I-- I-- every year before the Emmys,

I puff up like a fucking blowfish.

Beverly? He's here!

You have to come down to the stage with me.

How do I look? Is my hair okay?

Why didn't you tell me he was here? Do you hate me?

Oh, Larry, I'm sorry.

It's just that Clint Black is my whole life.

Beverly?! Are you coming? Oh--

If you come with me, I will be your best friend forever.

Please! Oh, god, I can't breathe.

Are you coming? Yes.

Oh, I'm still thinking about last night, Arthur.

It was really... really... incredible.

Mmm.

I was inspired, my dear.

I have to give you a check

for the coffee table and the lamp.

No, sir.

I intend to make you work for what you owe.

Mmm.

(knock on door)

Artie?

Did you find anything? (gasps)

Oh, Jesus! Is he coming?

He's got a hand grenade in here. No, it's clear.

Just go back and look out.

What are you doing?

Now, we don't have a lookout.

Now if he comes in, he's gonna see us in here.

Do you-- His calendar.

Lunch today, Don Lasner.

Don... why does that name sound familiar?

Phil: Hey, what are you guys doing?

Sorry. Larry: Just-- just come in.

Just come in.

Why don't we just put a welcome mat out there?

Um, Phil?

Yeah? Do-- do you know anyone named Don Lasner?

Yeah. Yeah, Don Lasner.

Guy I went to high school with.

He used to hold my head in the urinal

and pour Absorbine Junior down my neck.

Right, that's him. Mystery solved.

Thanks, Phil.

Hank: Where's Artie?

All right, let's get out of here.

Please? Can we go now?

What's going on? Would you keep it down?

Where is Artie?!

Would you keep it down?

You're gonna have to speak up, Larry, I can't hear you!

What is wrong with you?

I didn't catch that, so I'm just gonna go on!

Last night, coming back from Vegas,

we hit an air pocket! My ears popped!

I'm near deaf!

Well, that sounds, uh, very strange.

I don't know, let me check!

For what, a 20?

Have you seen a doctor?

(laughs) A little bit!

Well, you should see a... doct-- Never mind.

Last night!

Do you know who Don Lasner is?

Donna who? Don.

Don Lasner. Don.

Donna Lasner! No, Don.

Donna Lasner is the vice president,

late night programming, CBS!

No, this is Don Lasner.

Very foxy lady!

I believe, uh, that Artie is having lunch with her!

That's it.

That's it! He's having lunch with...

He's having lunch with Donna Lasner!

She's trying to get him to produce the "Late Night Show"

after Letterman at 12:30!

Well, not today!

Today!

He had lunch with her today, and he talked about--

First, she steals Snyder,

now, she's trying to steal Artie.

Fuckers!

God! Don't say anything about this.

What?!

Don't-- Keep this to yourself!

Oh! August, I think!

♪ I've been bound to leave you ♪

♪ We've known that for a while ♪

♪ I'm sure it's something I can't do ♪

♪ If I can't leave you with a smile ♪

♪ I don't know how far I'll have to go ♪

♪ Till I'm sure those eyes won't cry ♪

♪ And in my mind I've left enough to know ♪

♪ That I can't leave you ♪

♪ With a bad goodbye ♪

♪ Goodbye, easier said than done ♪

♪ Goodbye... ♪

What is going on?

Oh, they needed someone for the sound check

I see. and Darlene volunteered.

Oh, she did?

Ohh! What's wrong with you?

It's the music. It's always so sad.

Yeah. I gotta get a camera.

♪ In my goodbye you're finding none ♪

♪ I'm still bound to leave you ♪

Larry.

I didn't-- Hey. Hey. Larry, how you doing?

Clint asked if I would sing with him, is that okay?

Sure.

Clint, good to see you. Good to see you, thanks.

Hey, listen, uh, oh, there's a runner here

that, uh, works for us who's really a big fan of yours.

He's over there, and if it's okay with you,

I'd like to introduce him

and maybe give him your autograph. Oh, no, I know that guy.

Listen, could you help me out and kinda keep--

What, is-- is there a problem of some sort?

Well, he, uh, he sent me a picture of himself,

and he wasn't wearing anything

but, uh, like, a small bathing suit.

I don't know-- I don't know what to do. No.

Like a thong?

I don't know. It was just real tiny.

He didn't have anything on but this--

Well, that sounds like a thong.

Was it-- was it running up the crack of his ass?

I didn't check. Well, then, you don't know.

Listen, can I talk to you for a second? Would you mind?

Sure. Thanks. Let me talk to you for just a second.

Sure. I'll be-- I'm-- Let's go over here. Yeah, okay.

How you been? Great.

How you doing? Yeah? Oh, you know.

Doing all right?

I got this, uh, show business thing on my mind today.

You know, it's tough.

Got a lot of people around me

who aren't loyal, they're not honest.

You know, it's all me, me, me.

Listen, how many songs do you think I should do?

I don't know, how many did Artie say you should do?

Well, I-- I couldn't find Artie. Is he around?

No, he's not around. He's not around.

That's because he's one of those people

that I was talking about. Not honest, not loyal,

all he thinks about is himself.

How about, uh, if I do three?

Three? Songs.

Songs. Is that all right?

Yeah, sure. Whatever. Great.

All I'm saying, I think, is that you gotta watch

the kind of people you surround yourself with, you know,

because you gotta make sure they're not there

just to use another person.

Listen, Darlene, uh, asked me if she could sing

this number we were just rehearsing,

and it sounds pretty good. Sings the song-- do you think

it'll be all right if she sang that with me? Yeah, sure.

Well, I don't think Artie would approve,

but he's not here now, is he?

Well, no. It's my show.

It's my ball game, so help yourself. Have fun.

Okay, okay. All right.

So I'll, uh, go and, uh, work on that, then. I'll--

Okay, I'll wait here and maybe when you come back,

we'll talk a little more about Artie.

Okay. Okay. Felt good.

I'm gonna be, uh... I think

I'll be working on this a while.

I'll be here. Okay.

Hey, Jonathan, come here.

Would you-- Jonathan?

Do me a favor, Jonathan, and go and ask, uh, Clint Black,

if you don't mind, uh, if he's gonna be long

and if, uh, I should wait for him.

You bet! Okay.

How was lunch? Very nice.

Oh, yeah? Where'd you go?

Dan Tana's.

Oh, I hadn't been there in 20 years.

It's great to find some places never change.

Except for John, the chef. He's dead.

How's Donna Lasner?

She's fine. Oh.

Miss Lasner is a dear friend of mine, Larry.

Anything else you want to know?

Nothing.

You sure?

Oh, hey. None of my business.

Okay.

Ivan, this is where Larry will hold the cards.

First gag, Lassie's DNA.

Schwarzenegger's.

Jesus, I'm glad I don't have to do that bit.

So, it was just lunch? Nothing else?

Yeah. Kelly!

This-- this chair and-- and the couch,

they're off the marks. Let's get with it.

Chair's on its marks.

It's not. Yes, it is.

Well, the couch definitely is not.

Maybe.

Lunch, yes, I had lunch and dessert.

If memory serves, crème brulee.

Mmm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

We split it. Yeah.

Well, good, fascinating. Whatever you say--

So we're screwing each other silly.

Is that what you want to know about?

Whew, well, I gotta tell ya,

I am relieved. I thought you were leaving.

I gotta-- To take that CBS job.

(laughs) And you just had an affair!

Oh, sweetheart, you'd be the first to know.

I mean, anyway, it's not in the cards

for me to have a job at CBS.

Nah, ever since I pissed in Larry Tisch's pool on Labor Day,

I've been persona non grata at Black Rock.

Larry, Larry, thank you! Thank you!

Thank you so much. You're wonderful.

I won't let you down, I promise.

Thank you!

You okay, Darlene?

I'm wonderful, Artie. Good, you don't--

I just have to go throw up now.

Thank you.

Hey, listen, did you see the opening bit for tonight?

This is Lassie's, uh, DNA and Schwarzenegger's DNA.

(both laugh)

Um, Arthur, there's a visitor for you.

Hello, Arthur! Donna! Hey, baby.

Hey, Donna Lasner, Larry Sanders.

Oh, hello, Larry. It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

I'm sorry for dropping in like this,

but I was hoping to steal Arthur away for just a minute.

Let's go to me office, m'lady.

Larry, is this too much? Hi.

Is it? I won't be offended.

I better go back to wardrobe.

First, I have to throw up again.

Hey.

Sometimes the staff likes to, uh, consult me

about their wardrobe each day,

something I enjoy taking part in.

Well, I promise I'll only keep him a minute.

Keep him as long as you like. It's really not a problem.

You CBS whore.

So it's, you know, it's-- it's out of my hands.

I mean, uh, Larry said I was doing three songs,

and Artie said only one.

And if I can, you know, if I can only do one,

then I'd better do, uh, the single.

You know, I mean, the label would be pretty upset

if I didn't do the single, right?

And you understand. Yeah.

Uh, I'm really...

It's the outfit, isn't it?

Well, no, not if you're riding fence.

I mean, it's so-- no, it's a beautiful outfit.

I-- It's just out of my hands, you know.

Maybe next time, huh? Mm-hmm.

You understand, it's-- it's, I mean-- Are you okay?

Yeah. I really feel bad.

It's okay. We'll-- we'll do it sometime.

Okay.

I better go. See ya.

Bye.

(sighs, clears throat)

Excuse me.

Oh, Mr. Kristofferson, hi! I'm a really big fan of yours.

I'm looking for Phil, one of your writers?

Oh! Oh, yeah, right.

You're doing the show tomorrow night, right?

This way. Yeah, I'm doing a sketch with Hank and Larry.

I thought I'd come by and pick up the pages.

Oh, you're-- Are you gonna sing?

Yeah, I think Larry said I'm doing three songs.

Wow! That's great! Um, wow, that's great!

why don't you wait right here, and I'll go and get Phil,

and then I'll be right back with him?

I hear you got Clint Black on tonight. Yeah.

He's great. Yeah, he's okay.

I'll be right back. I'll see ya.

Kris. Hey. Hey, man!

I was hearing what you were saying about the three songs.

Listen, no matter what they tell you,

no matter what Larry tells you,

they'll cut you like a ripe tomato, okay?

Come on, let me tell you-- let me tell you about Artie.

I thought I was persona non grat a at CBS. Is that right, is that right?

She offered you the Tom Snyder job. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Wow.

You must be one hell of a lay.

I'm also a good cook,

and I mix a stiff drink. Mm-hmm.

You know, every last one of my wives

said they would have divorced me years before,

but they just couldn't face life

without my herbs and spices.

What did she say when you turned her down?

I didn't.

What do you mean? Larry, this is CBS.

She mentioned me to the big boys in New York.

You know, I can't turn her down flat.

She'll-- she'll look bad.

So, I'm just considering.

No problema, hombre! You don't understand, Artie.

This is gonna end up in the trades, all right?

And it's gonna say that you're considering

another offer, okay?

How is that gonna make us look? Okay.

You and I know I'm not considering it,

You're not considering it. so, calm down.

Well, then what are you doing? Are you lying?

I'm lying for love.

Oh, you're lying for love.

Ohh, I think that's one of the Clint Black songs he's doing tonight.

Well, if it is, it's the only one he'll be singing.

I cleaned up that mess. What's the matter with you?

Three songs? Yeah.

Well, you weren't here, as I recall.

Why don't you just say no?

Be done with it for the good of the show.

Hey, buddy, this is my personal area,

and you're pushing me.

Now, listen, I just received an offer.

Like you do, I'm considering it,

and if you can't live with that, sonny boy,

tough titty.

You didn't just say "tough titty," did you?

Tough titty! You know what I think?

I think you're having a little problem.

I think you're afraid that if you say no,

she'll dump you. That's what I think.

Oh, that's a crock of horseshit. Oh, you think so?

I don't think so. I think you're afraid.

Yeah, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that I'm gonna turn into a lonely old geezer

wondering whether your melon got chopped up

or whether I told you that your ass isn't fat.

Too late. Not for me, buddy.

My ass is fine. My ass is great.

I never felt better about my ass.

Then maybe you don't need me.

Maybe we don't.

Then maybe you and your fat ass

can go fuck yourselves.

Thank you, I was just waiting for a go-ahead.

You can go right ahead. Thank you.

Don't wait for me. I will not wait for you.

Hello.

If it means anything to you, Donna...

I'm honestly very, very fond of you.

Oh!

I'm not going to, uh, stand in the hallway

while you try to steal my producer

two minutes before a show.

And, uh, I don't think it's right

that you come in here and, uh, play

with someone's emotions when you don't even work here.

Oh, cut the crap, Larry!

So, I-- I'm not taking the job!

And I was just leaving.

(clears throat)

Here's your fucking suit.

Thank you.

Where are the pants?

They're letting 'em out in the butt.

You mean the crotch?

If you made this decision because you think

I can't sing, then you're wrong,

because I can sing. I can.

♪ Easier said than done goodbye ♪

♪ There's no good ♪

♪ When you're the one ♪

♪ Whose goodbye you swore would never come ♪

♪ And in my goodbye you're finding none ♪

That is... great.

♪ Goodbye ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

(continues singing softly)

Thanks, sweetie.

♪ There's no good when you're the one ♪

♪ Whose goodbye you swore would never come ♪

My next guest is one of my favorite singers,

and, uh, tonight, he's going to, uh, sing, uh,

the single off his new release

which is called "One Emotion".

I thought I handled that CD very well.

Hank: Beautiful.

He wrote the, uh, song with Merle Haggard.

Please welcome Clint Black. Clint.

(cheers and applause)

♪ ♪

♪ Well, I guess you're glad to see I'm finally leaving ♪

♪ I know things for you will change now for the good ♪

♪ But it's all that I can do to pack my suitcase ♪

♪ And walk away from you the way I should ♪

♪ And I can't seem to find the voice of reason ♪

♪ Everything seems upside-down and right-side wrong ♪

♪ While part of me is here and won't like leaving ♪

♪ The rest of me, the best of me is gone ♪

Hey. Hey, buddy, come in!

I just wanted to say goodnight

and, uh, thank you. There you are.

Oh, yeah, you, uh...

you're watching me even after the show.

I don't know if that's a compliment or just, uh, sad.

Ha, probably both.

Whatever it is, Clint-arino, you're the best.

Thanks.

And I'll tell you this, you're the happiest

we've ever had on the show. (slurring) On the show.

Yeah, I'm happy. Yeah, well, I'll, uh...

Okay. Listen, uh--

Come on, have a drink with us here.

No, uh, thanks, really, I gotta go catch the bus.

Come on, have a drink with us, hell.

Tell us why you're happy. Sit down.

Why is that?

Well, uh, you know, I got married,

and, uh... my wife, you know, brought balance to my life,

and, uh, smoothed out all the bumps, you know.

You just need to find your Lisa.

Ohh.

Fucking beautiful. Have a drink.

No, I gotta go catch the bus.

Um, okay. See ya.

I'll tell ya something.

I just started to realize something

that's a little scary.

Yeah? Try me.

I think you're my Lisa, and I think I'm yours.

Oh, gee! What the fuck! Mm-hmm.

(theme music plays)