Original subtitles

The National Cancer Committee, their benefit's on the ninth,

at the Bel Air Hotel.

Okay, I'll do that one.

My grandmother had that.

The Los Angeles Diabetes Research Fund Annual Dinner,

the 28th.

Yeah, that one too.

I had an aunt who had that.

Uh, the Center for Heart Disease, emcee and perform.

Yeah, I'll do that one too because I had an uncle

who had that.

Am I going too fast for you?

Huh? No, I'm just starting to realize

I have about six months left to live.

Okay, the Young Man's Christian Association barbecue.

Emcee and take part in the celebrity three-legged race.

Boy, I did that one last year.

I dragged Joel Grey about 20 yards before I'd realized

he'd fallen down.

Talented man, father of actress Jennifer Grey.

Yes, but this year, you'll be partnered

with Molly Ringwald.

Oh... is she athletic?

I don't think so. Pass.

He can't do 'em all, Beverly.

Can't do 'em all. Okay, scheduling conflict?

Yeah, we'll say that. I just decided-- you know what?

That I'm not gonna do any benefits unless they're

for a cause I really believe in

or something I wanna get involved with.

Since when?

Personal decision I've made.

When? Since, uh, years ago,

but I think it's just time I start sticking to it.

I applaud you, sir.

Charity begins at home,

except in Hollywood where it begins at 7:00 PM every night

in every fucking hotel ballroom in town.

Well, if I were you,

I'd think about doing this one for glaucoma.

It's in New York, they're offering you airfare,

a suite at the Waldorf and they wanna pay you

a whole lot of money.

Hey. Well, you know what though?

This is, this is about my personal beliefs.

This is not about money.

The Disabled Voter's Coalition.

When? Where? How much?

The 10th in Santa Monica and they'll pay you $2500.

What, are they kidding?

No, that's what it says.

Oh, cheapskates.

All right, call 'em,

tell 'em maybe if they send a helicopter.

Otherwise, no dice.

Okay. Next?

Sickle cell anemia, Dallas on the 20th, $7500.

Right, I think Paul Anka did them last year, so call,

find out how much he made,

make sure I get the same plus 5% and of course, the uh...

(whistles)

Oh, helicopter! Right.

Oh wait, Hank, that's a conflict.

You have Alzheimer's on the 20th.

Damn!

Now how much do they pay? Uh, $5,000.

And the other people? $7,500.

Goodbye, Alzheimer's.

Hank, you've done Alzheimer's every year

for the last five years.

You sure you wanna cancel just because another group is

offering you more money?

Well, for your information, Miss Smartypants, I have been

thinking about dropping Alzheimer's.

I mean, five years-- come on, guys!

Where's the cure?

How do we look?

You're totally booked through the end of October.

All right!

And I'm still trying to get a firm date

for the International Council for Blood Disease weekend

in Puerto Rico.

Yes! Firm date! Get it!

Puerto Rico, the sun, the fun, the beach, the gambling!

Mm-hmm!

Wow.

Feels good helping people, doesn't it?

Yes, sir.

Now, get on the phone.

Make sure you get me something for this Saturday.

Oh, and um, Darlene?

Remember.

Oh, right, uh, nothing contagious.

(door closes)

(door opens)

Oh, perdon!

I see you're giving your eyes a cool cucumber rest.

Yes, I am.

Well, you deserve it, my boy.

Thank you.

But could you interrupt the interlude for a mo' and take

a stroll down to the stage?

It's Gaffer Glen's first day back after they've

reattached his thumb!

Well, you know, I don't really know Gaffer Glen.

There's cake.

But you know, I should take a...

look at his thumb.

Did they do a nice job?

Fan-fucking-tastic.

Any other details?

Well, he should regain full flexibility if all goes well.

No, I mean about the cake.

Mocha frosting-- mm-hm!

Paula, I have some news you'll just love.

Yes, I just got the word.

Rob Reiner's doing our show.

Oh, great!

That is great news! Finally!

How many times have I said since we started this show

that we should have Rob Reiner on?

Who's got time to count, right?

Well, he has an aversion to doing talk shows,

but he made an exception in your case.

Terrific! Good!

And your hair's the same color it was last week too.

That's good.

Yes, it is. Thank you.

There you go, Artie. Rob Reiner!

Rob Reiner, it is!

That's the kind of guest we need.

Adds depth.

Sets a tone.

Tone, it does.

I love Meathead. Yeah, this is perfect.

I'm telling ya, this is the kind of guest we have to have all the time.

Smart, interesting,

someone I can have an intelligent conversation with.

Sounds like heap big fun. Yeah.

Why aren't you more excited about Rob Reiner? He's gonna be great.

Listen, I loved "A Few Good Men"

as well as the next jamoke and jabroni,

but I've heard that since he's become a director,

he's become very serious.

Now, you know that happens to creative geniuses.

To all except my good friend, Professor Irwin Corey.

Who we can have on again as often as you want.

I'll make a note.

Don't mime. Okay, sorry.

I heard, uh, "Spinal Tap" was almost all improvised.

I'm gonna ask him about that on the air.

I'll be so entertained.

Uh, no matter what you do, you're gonna be able to tell

there's no head on the horse. It's gonna look stupid.

Phil: No, no, no, I asked Props for heads and lassos.

All we need is some range in our little sound.

(imitating horse neighing)

Whoa, boy!

Mmmm. Easy.

This-- this Mike Ditka question--

I'm supposed to ask him about his new cat?

No, you're supposed to ask him about his new car.

Well, this is a "T."

No, it's not a "T."

It doesn't make sense, does it?

"Getting in an accident, driving your new cat

down the Santa Monica Freeway."

Oh, I thought it said "chasing."

It says "driving"? (laughing) Yes.

Come on, buckaroo, let's, let's have the sketch, come on.

Well, we're ready to do the sketch,

but we can't do it without Hank, I believe.

Where's Hank? Hank? I'll find him.

And, Phil, another--

I don't get the side-saddle joke.

Uh-- So, I'd like my balls are killing me if we don't--

Ice! Thank you.

Excuse me? Larry, could you sign this?

And just so that you know, I just got a call

from the National Association for Nerve Deafness.

Uh-huh.

Well, their fundraiser's on Saturday.

Rob Reiner's on their board and he suggested your name.

Rob Reiner did?

Yes, he did. Hey, that's great!

You gotta do that one.

For nerve deafness?

Yes? What about it?

Huh? No-- hey...

I'm supposed to do some benefit for nerve deafness Saturday?

Oh, jump on it.

Good cause, good people, great caterer.

Piece of advice. They'll send a town car

if you don't specify stretch limo. Other than that, primo!

Yeah, no, it sounds like it's a good cause, but I have a new policy

about doing benefits and doing it for the right reasons.

Just pass. Okay, Lar.

Artie: There goes Mr. Reiner.

I can see Roberino disappearing into the clouds right now.

(whistling) Larry: What do you think?

He's not gonna do the show unless I do the benefit?

Is that what you're saying?

Aw, shit, Larry, this is Hollywood.

You know, one hand washes the other.

Scratch my back, I'll scratch yours, you know.

Tit for tat.

Done with your metaphors?

Más o menos, hombre.

It's an irrefutable fact when somebody like Rob Reiner

gives you a call, you do it! Right, Hank?

That's right.

Who are you, Big Chief LensCrafters?

I don't think Indians had glasses.

And aren't you gonna wear facial paint?

Yeah, but I mean-- Of course, but this is just a rehearsal,

you don't wanna-- But still.

So, you could have wore face paint.

Makeup!

You're makin' a big, big mistake.

You don't think face paint's important?

I'm talking about Rob Reiner.

Oh, well, you wanna know something?

(clears throat)

I think Rob Reiner's a bigger man than you think and I am

going to put my faith this time in another human being.

Sometimes, Larry, you act like you've been

in the business for two days.

Thank you.

I'll take that as a compliment.

Just believe, Artie. He'll be here.

Okay.

Okay, are we ready to do this?

We need Hank.

C'mon, Phil!

Where is he?

Too much.

It looks like one of the stage productions of "Cats."

Makeup!

We'll get letters, Artie, it's not authentic.

Okay, you wanna take five?

Okay!

Vinnie, where's K.O.? (whispers)

Huh?

Ice!

Props, ice!

For Larry's balls!

(audience laughs) Now you see this sign up here?

That says... "applesauce."

(audience laughs)

No. It says, uh, "applause."

(audience applauding)

Whoa!

(chuckling)

You got excited there for a second, didn't you, sir?

Not a shy eater, are you?

(audience laughing)

You know what they say about this guy?

When he sits around the house...

(faint chatter)

Hank, what's wrong? What's wrong?

I've been looking for you for 45 minutes.

Where the hell you been? I was with my aroma therapist.

All right, never mind, never mind.

This Saturday night, nerve deafness, they need an emcee.

Larry passed. Yeah.

And you might tell 'em I have some nerve deafness.

Hank, that is so sad.

I really don't have nerve deafness--

I know. That's what's so sad.

Just make the call.

He sits around the house.

(audience laughing)

Oh!

That is a, uh, lovely dress, madam.

Somewhere there's a Winnebago without drapes!

(laughter)

A new study shows that over

1.6 million children, ages five to 14,

are left home alone each day.

Boy, finally, some good news for Michael Jackson.

Hoo. Is it last January already?

No. Well, it sounds like it from that joke.

I thought maybe we were getting ready to do a "Best of Larry."

(chuckling)

Could we try and class up the monologue a little bit?

We've got Rob Reiner on tonight.

Well, as you remember,

we haven't had much luck with class.

God knows we've tried.

Hey, what if you do it with a British accent?

(with accent) A new study shows that over 1.6 million--

Rob Reiner canceled!

Someone from his office just called, he canceled.

Man, 30 minutes to air and that asshole cancels.

He's an asshole, he's a fucker.

Are you okay?

Let me guess the excuse, Paula.

A cold? No.

Family emergency? No.

Bad sprain?

Bingo! Ankle?

You're getting warmer.

Getting out of the shower.

No, coming down the stairs on the way here.

What a cinematic excuse!

I can almost see him falling.

That's what makes him a genius.

This sucks, man.

I'm gettin' a job at The Gap.

I'm sellin' socks from now on.

Man, what goddamn disappointment, Artie.

You know, and people wonder why I'm a cynical asshole.

No, they don't.

Well, who are we even gonna get to replace him?

The second you canceled the Reiner benefit,

I booked our old pal Richard Belzer as backup.

Richard, come on in!

We're just singing your praises!

♪ Richard Belzer is wonderful ♪

Hey, Larry.

♪ Wonderful ♪ Richard, how are you?

How are you? Good to see ya.

Good. Thank you.

Isn't Larry lovely tonight?

Well, he does look lovely.

I wish I had some flowers and candy to give him.

(chuckling) So what's the story?

You guys rousted me out of bed to do the show because, uh,

Pauly Shore wasn't available?

Is that the way it works? Hey, hey, we are thrilled to have you.

Hey! Overjoyed!

Absolutely. Fuckin' A.

You know, I know why I'm here, so you guys can just drop the pretense.

Reiner canceled, right?

Hey, let me tell ya something.

We're the lucky ones, because this is an entertainment show

and you happen to be a really funny guy

and we're thrilled you're here.

Reiner was a risk we couldn't afford to take.

Right. Right, I'm sure. Great.

Mm-hm. That's great.

Richard, your dressing room is just down the hall and we've got

a lovely fruit plate waiting for you there.

If you're a fan of kiwi as I am, you're gonna have

a double special treat! Okay.

I'll do the show, Larry. You know I'll be good. Good.

You and I both know what this is all about, don't we?

Yeah, you're replacing Reiner.

I don't like kiwi.

Oh, shame!

I should have known!

We've got a mango flying in, chop chop.

You know... (clears throat)

Ever since he's done "Homicide,"

that guy's attitude has really changed.

You know that? Have you noticed?

I mean, these stand-up comics who think they're

fuckin' actors make me sick. You're absolutely correct.

No, no, why don't you tell them why I'm here really? Uh-huh, I don't know, why--

Go ahead, tell 'em. No!

Okay.

The reason I'm here-- is this my camera?

The reason I'm here is because Rob Reiner crapped out

at the last minute, so guess who they call?

They call me. Well, speaking of Rob Reiner,

did you know that "Spinal Tap"

actually was mostly improvised?

Did you know that? Really?

What do you think I'm doing now?

I'm making this up. I did not know that.

I'm improvising. Didn't know that.

And you're not whipping yourself into a frenzy over that,

I mean... (laughing)

Rob Reiner's a genius and I'm-- I'm here!

It'll sink in, I'll whip myself tomorrow.

We'll be right back, uh, with, uh, more. No flipping!

(band playing fast tune) (audience cheering)

Man: We're clear!

I'm gonna have to take this with me 'cause I collect mugs.

I've got 'em from all over the world.

Uh, no. Why not?

Uh, show policy, uh, those aren't for, uh, taking.

What are you gonna have, like, security stop me on the way

out if I take it? Then look, okay?

Just don't take the ones with the picture, okay?

Your picture? Yeah.

Don't worry about it.

Hank: We'll get you one.

(band continues playing)

You know, uh,

Reiner screwed us and it's all I can think about

out there. How's the show?

Great! How's the audience?

Eh, it's a little too warm in the studio.

You're fabulous! You think so?

You're sure? Yes, sir!

All right, how much time is left in the show?

Two minutes.

(sighing) What is wrong with the human race, Artie?

You know, I think that every time I watch that

"America's Funniest People."

That just about breaks your spirit.

Excuse me, Larry, you still want the vitamin B?

Yeah. Okay.

Remember, don't chew 'em.

Let it dissolve under your tongue. Okay.

You know, I'm gonna do that benefit tomorrow night.

Would you call them and tell them I'm in?

Okay. Listen, buddy.

Nerve deafness people? You can't bring him back down, buddy.

Too little, too late.

I don't wanna bring him back.

I'm gonna rub his face in it, Artie, you know that?

I'm gonna make it look like I'm the bigger man.

Make him feel like shit.

"You're a bigger man than I am, Gunga Din."

"A Few Good Men," "A Few Good Men"!

You want a good courtroom movie?

"Caine Mutiny"!

Yeah, Bogie with his steel pole.

Exactly.

What do you mean they've decided to go with Larry?

They decided to go with Larry.

I-- I know what you mean, Darlene.

(stammering) Larry was out, then I'm in--

Larry's back in?

What is wrong with mankind?

I ask you!

Electromagnetic fields.

Please be quiet. Please be quiet.

What makes me very sad--

What makes me very, very sad is that this event is supposed

to be about helping people.

But now they just turn this thing into a circus.

It's about, "Oh, let's just get the biggest star

we can find."

That's what this is about.

The world makes me sad.

What, this-- what?

Sad.

These people should be focused on the disease,

finding a cure, helping the kids!

The little ones, they're the ones that get hurt here.

They're the victims of this sickness,

this awful...

What is it?

Nerve deafness.

Nerve deafness, yes!

Do-- do kids get that?

I don't know.

Well, let's say for the sake of my argument that they get that.

I'm not angry for me right now.

I'm angry for them!

They need help, and now, I cannot help them.

You can still help, Hank.

The organizers felt awful and they called and asked if you

wanted to sit at the head table.

Oh, nerve deafness this.

How many people-- famous people--

went number two tonight?

Ah, you don't have to tell me.

(toilet flushing) I'm just kidding.

Thanks.

Hey, Rob!

Hey! Oh, hey, Larry!

How you doin'? How you doin'?

Good. Nice to see ya. Hey listen,

thank you so much for helpin' us out here tonight.

Oh, hey, I'm glad I could do it.

It's my pleasure. And listen, I feel terrible

that I had to cancel out on your show.

Well, don't worry, really, it's forgotten.

I'm just glad I could be here for you tonight and also

I hope your ankle is okay.

Oh, yeah, yeah, it's fine. It's just, you know,

I got a half-cast here and it's a little

itchy, but, uh, it's not really all that bad.

You have a cast?

Yeah, yeah, it's a, a half-cast.

I can walk around, it's just a little cumbersome.

Mm-hm, mm-hm. That's a cast?

You really hurt your ankle there, huh?

What?

Huh?

You really hurt your-- really-- I was saying,

you really hurt your ankle.

What, you-- you didn't think I'd hurt my ankle?

No, I thought you had hurt it.

I was really concerned.

You didn't think I hurt my ankle, did you?

I... wasn't sure

that you hurt your ankle. Larry!

What, you think I screwed you?

No! I thought that perhaps

because I didn't do your benefit,

you didn't do the show.

Larry...

Do you honestly think that I would cancel at the last second

without a legitimate excuse?

Well, you know, we're both in the business.

Larry.

I don't work that way.

And clearly, you don't either,

because here you are, even after

you thought that I had screwed you!

I mean, you...

are the bigger man of the two of us.

I am uncomfortable discussing size in the bathroom.

You know what I mean?

(both laughing)

Let's let it go at that, huh? All right, listen, Larry,

I gotta get back to my table.

Okay, it's good to see you. Listen, why don't--

why don't my people call your office

and we'll reschedule the show? That would be great.

Okay? Thanks.

Nice to see you. Good to see you too.

Okay, so long. All right, God.

Boy, you know, there goes one of America's

great filmmakers.

Larry: What is this? This is Disaster Preparedness Furnishings.

I see, and the ham's a lamp.

Uh-huh, and there's a flashlight in there.

Right.

And then all this food's edible?

Exactly. I see.

And the Twinkies have a shelf life of 27 years.

With the light on? Well, it doesn't matter.

You can't penetrate a Twinkie.

So, when Reiner came out of the bathroom, did he have like

a little piece of toilet paper or was it like a couple of feet draggin' back there?

That is not the important part of the story, Phil.

Well, toilet paper's always very funny

to everyone except the French.

I don't think those bidets are sanitary at all, do you?

You know what? You guys don't get it.

The idea is that the two of us, two very famous people,

were able to put all the Hollywood bullshit aside

and just have a totally honest moment and it was great.

So you told him you thought he screwed us.

Yeah, we talked it out.

Well, he's still booked for tomorrow night, so if Rob calls

you up and says he wants you to clean his pool, will you hop

over there pronto and start scrubbing?

(chuckling) Phil: Yeah!

Sorry.

So, my boy, do you feel any better

about the human race today?

Well, I feel better about, uh...

Rob, I think he was, uh...

honest and I think I was not.

I don't think that I told him

I was there to rub his face in it,

make him feel like shit, so I don't think I feel completely,

totally truthful.

Oh, goddamn it, don't.

Jesus.

Let me tell you something.

That's what ruined my second marriage.

I decided to tell the truth.

I found it to be disastrous. That's the truth.

So let's just keep this as our little secret.

Phil: No, I don't know, I think you should, uh,

be open and honest with him.

Aw, shut up. Well, I lean towards Phil on this one.

Phil, you're dismissed. You're contaminating Larry.

Well, why can't I hear both sides of the story, may I ask?

'Cause you can't handle the truth.

That is not the case.

Oh, yeah?

You want the truth?

This. It isn't funny.

(scoffing)

This is hilarious.

Ha ha. See?

Have Phil come up with something else.

(wrapper crackling)

(phone ringing)

Larry Sanders.

One moment, please.

Larry? It's Rob Reiner, line four.

Got it.

Hello, Rob! Rob on phone: Larry, hello.

Hey, how ya doin'?

Listen, I can't tell ya how excited we are to have you

on the show tonight.

Rob: It'll be fun.

Yeah, it's gonna be a blast, are you kidding?

We're gonna have a blast.

I wanna talk to you about "Spinal Tap"

and how much of that was improvised.

And I also wanna find out how you did that railroad

trestle shot on "Stand By Me."

Rob: Do we have to?

Don't have to.

Rob: I-- I don't wanna talk about my work.

I wanna tell some jokes, you know, be goofy.

Maybe you can get that woman from the zoo and she can bring

an animal to shit on me.

(laughing)

Is this Rob Reiner, the famous director, I'm talking to?

Rob: Yeah. Hey, Larry, thanks again for doing the benefit.

We-- we raised a lot of money.

Hey, Rob, listen, it was my pleasure, and, uh...

Listen, Rob, I know you were totally honest with me the other night

and I wanna be honest with you.

I was just, uh--

I think you're gonna get a kick out of this, by the way.

I was just there to, uh, kind of rub your face in it.

I was pretty mad that you canceled the show the other

night, and I was just trying to make you feel like shit.

(laughing) That's why I showed up at the benefit.

Rob?

Mr. Reiner won't be joining us this evening.

He just canceled.

(audience murmuring)

You told him the truth, didn't you?

You couldn't stop yourself even after I specifically asked you

not to tell him.

'Course I anticipated your inability

to keep your mouth shut, so I arranged a backup.

Who? Have a wonderful show.

Who? It's not Pauly Shore, is it?

(laughing) And then...

And then I do a-- a Pauly take, which is just kind of ad-libby

and very kind of spontaneous and off the top, you never know

really what's gonna come out of that take.

And that's the stuff that stays in the movie?

Uh, I actually do more improvising in the movie

than I do here.

(laughter)

Oh, okay.

(laughter)

Okay, we'll take a little break.

Oh, could we play one of my clips?

I-- we don't-- have time to show a clip,

I just have to take a little commercial break here. Okay.

And we'll be right back with, uh, comedian Jeff Cesario.

Pauly: And there's no more flippings.

No more flippings. No flippings.

He watches this show.

(applause, band playing) Thank you.

Artie, offstage: That's it!

(whispering) When's the next time you think

you're gonna book me on the show

when another big huge guest cancels on you?

Yeah, we'll have you on, Pauly.

Maybe within the month.

No shit?

Then we could talk about my new Army movie, right?

Pink Diggly Diggly, the new CD?

Yeah, what is that?

You're gonna have to listen to it to figure it out.

Bye-bye. Okay.

Come on, come on, Pauly.

Just great, just great, buddy.

Let's call your mom, Mitzi, tell her how great you were.

Pauly: Okay. Okay, come on.

Well, the show business, it does not discriminate.

Nice kid. Mm-hmm.

(band continues playing)

How did the nerve deafness dinner go?

Oh, fine.

Ah, you're a better man than I am.

I mean, I woulda taken that ten grand like...

(snaps fingers) ...whoa.

They offered you ten grand?

Yeah.

(hissing) Beverly!

(theme music playing)