Original subtitles

Bobcat: I was thinking, "well, it is sweeps and I love Jay very much," and I thought,

well, what if I-- I don't know.

What if I set his furniture on fire? What are you doing?

Oh, don't set that on fire!

(laughter)

Now, you have to sit in this.

Now, sit down. Sit down, sit down.

Sit down. I'm not sitting in it!

Sit in that chair.

Wow, you can tell Emma's pissed. Look at her.

That Bobcat has got serious mental problems.

I think he's got incredible balls.

He's got something.

Paula, don't say "balls." Men find that off-putting.

Thanks for the tip.

Don't say "tip." You know what happened?

I'll tell you exactly. He did "Arsenio."

They got a lot of press when he ransacked the stage,

so "The Tonight Show," uh, booked him. They're whores.

Whores. Whores.

Bobcat here yet? Yes.

Michael Bolton and Regis Philbin are here as well.

Have you talked to Bobcat? Yes.

You told him no crazy stuff?

Yes. He'll be zany and wacky

and the set will remain completely intact.

Well, I like pranky stunts. You know that.

But, I mean, if I wanted to see furniture destroyed

or our set ablaze, I'd go over to Jimmy Caan's place.

No. No. I'm gonna find this.

'Cause right in the middle of Helen Hunt last night,

I get the spring right up my ass.

There it is. There it is, right there.

Can-- can we fix that, fellas?

I mean, before tonight's show, please? Thank you.

My ass is my fortune.

Bobby, you up there?

Bobby: Yeah, Hank?

Listen, I-- I don't know what you did with this mic,

but it's got a whole bunch of reverb.

It was all over the place last night.

Listen to this. Hey now!

We-- we didn't-- we didn't do anything to it.

It's the same as it's always been.

No. No, I don't think so.

I mean, there's a lot of treble but there's-- there's no bass.

Hey now! You know?

Look out! Who's that big stud in the mustache?

Uh-oh! Hank!

Uh-oh! How are you, Hanker?

How are you? How are you? Good to see you, Hank.

You look great. Oh, thanks.

So, how are you? I'm great.

Show's cruising right along. Yeah?

No complaints, really. Great.

I gotta tell you, I love that spot

that you and Joy do with the-- the crackers.

Bobby, you got this?

Bobby: Yep. Yeah.

Joy and I had a lot of fun with that commercial.

Did you get the box of crackers we sent you?

Yes. Yes, I did, and-- and thank you.

Uh, to be truthful, the wife's been on my ass

a little bit about the-- the snacks.

I put the crackers out in the garage

and something got into that box and built a nest.

Don't worry about it. We'll send you another case.

Hank, is there someplace we can go to talk?

So... so how's it going for you here?

Well, I'm-- I'm the luckiest man in show business here.

I mean, everyone says so. I have to agree. Really?

What would you say if I told you

that I've just been offered

my own late night talk show?

What would I say? Mm-hmm.

Well, I would say-- I'd say that's great.

That's great! Well, who's the lucky cable channel? Thanks.

No. No cable. No, no. Network. It's network.

Get out of here, Regis Philbin. I'm serious, Hank.

My demographics are better than Letterman's,

better than Leno's,

better than any of these young punks.

All I've got to do is go in, sign my name--

done, official, in 85% of the country

in three weeks. Boom! Just like that.

You lucky dog, you!

No, but you're lucky, too, Hank. Listen to me.

I want you to be my sidekick.

Wow. Well, that is, uh...

that is, um, that's an honor.

I am, um... I'm honored

I'm-- I'm-- and I'm deeply, um... I'm honored.

(laughing)

I'm gonna turn you down,

uh, because there's a--

there's a loyalty to this place,

and, uh, I, uh, these people are like my family, so...

Hank, Hank, Hank, I can top

anything they're paying you here.

Well, I'm even more honored,

but I'm-- I'm gonna-- I'm gonna turn you down,

and I-- I thank you.

I should-- I gotta go.

I'm having a late lunch with my better half, you know.

Larry? Uh, no, my wife Margaret.

She gets mad when I'm-- I'm late.

She doesn't get mad. She gets upset. Concerned.

Hank, think about what I said, will you?

I have. Thank you. No.

Colleen! Colleen, can you hear me?

Call Margaret!

Tell her I'm three to four minutes late!

Yeah, no, it wasn't just like me setting it on fire.

I actually soaked the thing. Right, right. Leno had no clue?

No, no, not at all. He had no clue.

So I just-- I just, uh, I opened it up,

and then it's, like, leaking out.

I actually burned my ass.

I got a couple of welts on it from it.

And then-- I mean, I don't want to toot my own horn,

but I was pretty proud that I could actually get a couple,

you know, some-- some jokes off while this was going on.

He was-- He was pissed, wasn't he?

He-- he fuckin' snapped.

(laughing)

Listen, it was just a little fire.

I really don't know what the big deal was.

Hey, I've got to go look over my notes,

and you want to talk about this Leno thing on the air?

Uh, I-- I could if you want, but I'd rather not

because my lawyer told me just to shut up

because I keep making it worse.

I keep talking about it and-- and-- and it just--

it's not good. Hey, then we don't have to do it.

Paula went over the list of questions with you, right?

Yeah. Good.

Good. Then we're all set.

And listen, if you want to stray

within the questions at all, that's fine.

I mean, I want to have some fun too, okay?

No, I'll-- I'll do the questions. They're-- they're really funny.

Good. Good. All right.

"Robert Le Show" in person. Hey, 20 minutes.

That means, uh, half an hour, Bob.

Hey, how you doing, Bob? I'm, uh, I'm living a dream.

How are you doing? Great. Great!

It's great to have you here.

I just want you to know that I am a big fan, Bob.

I just love your clown movie.

I'm just a sucker for drunk clowns.

So, listen up, junior.

I'm gonna say this one time.

That fabric on the guest chair

is no longer being manufactured

and those huge Larry letters over by the band,

they're much more expensive than they look.

And don't get near my fuckin' plants.

They're my babies.

See you on television!

(door slams)

Jesus Christ.

Ho!

♪ It is Sidney, it is Sidney ♪

♪ It is Sidney, it is he ♪

♪ We are shaking, we are quaking ♪

♪ Can it be, oh, can it be? ♪

♪ It is Sid, it is Sid ♪

♪ It is Sid, it's the agent ♪

♪ Who's been with me a long time ♪

♪ Who's sitting on the couch ♪

Hank, please, I'm your agent, not your mother.

You are-- you are my mother.

All right, I'm your mother.

What are you doing here?

Your wife called and said you wanted to see me.

Right. I told her to do that.

Yeah. Something about a Regis Philbin job offer.

Get this. This guy has been offered

his own late night show.

He wants me to sidekick.

Well, good for Regis.

He's a sweet kid. He is.

You're not thinking of going with him, are you?

No, no, no, no, no.

But, uh, now just listen to this, okay?

Just listen. All right. I'm listening.

He leaves "The Morning Show,"

there's a vacancy-- is that right?

Right. So, uh, think about it.

"Live With Hank and Kathie Lee."

Hankala. Tchotchkala.

This is not a smart move.

Here, "The Larry Sanders Show,"

this is your base.

Yeah. Where did you come up with such a facacta idea?

I don't know. I was just-- I don't know.

I was thinking about it over lunch.

Lunch with your wife?

Yeah, lunch with my wife. She was there.

The last time I had lunch with my wife,

I ended up redoing the living room

in a pattern that I'm not allowed to sit down on.

This is my own decision.

(intercom buzzing)

Woman: Hank, your wife is on line four.

Hello? Yeah.

How are you?

Mm-hmm.

Yes. Yeah, he's-- he's right here.

We're talking about it right now.

Yeah. Yeah.

I promise you.

Can I have a little privacy, please?

You realize I'll have to get up?

Yes. Thank you.

(muttering in Yiddish)

He's leaving now.

Yeah. I can-- (muttering)

No, he's doing his leaving thing.

Yeah. Ooh!

Just a mild concussion. Don't worry.

Please?

Hi.

I think Bobcat will be funny.

If he touches my plants, he dies.

I will move swiftly. He will be dead.

Good. So, you gave him just the normal welcoming speech.

Pretty much so. Uh-huh.

And I have Hank news.

What? What's this time? What's wrong with him?

Not enough oxygen to the brain as a fetus.

That's my first guess. Yeah, that would be mine.

Did you know that Regis is getting

a late night show of his own?

You're kidding.

No. He's looking for a sidekick.

Someone like, uh, Hank?

Hank? Yes.

Well, is he pursuing it?

His wife is pursuing it.

Well, handle it.

Don't you want me to tell you how I handle it?

No. Just handle it. That's enough for you?

Yeah. That's more than enough for me

just to know that you're handling it.

All right. Boy, I don't get it.

You know, I thought Hank's wife was really, uh,

you know, quiet and sweet. She was.

What happened? He married her.

Make him pretty, Bruno.

Again.

(knocking on door) Come on!

You wanted to see me?

Yes, Hank. Uh, shut the door, will you?

What's up?

Close the door, please.

Well, I'd like to know what we're talking about

before I do that.

Don't worry about it. Take a chair.

Just a man-to-man chat.

(laughing)

Man-to-man, huh? Okay, well-- Oh.

I know what's up, huh? You got some action, huh?

You finally bagged that chick at NBC, right?

I know about Regis.

Oh, cut the crap, Hank!

Who told you?

Well, that's not important.

People always have told me everything, huh?

All my life. I can't help that.

So, Regis is looking for a sidekick, huh?

Well, I'm, uh... All right.

I'm not gonna lie to you, because I, uh,

I have far too much respect for you for that, but, uh,

I-- I don't know what you heard, but if it's about the job

that Regis offered me, no, no, I'm not interested.

This is my home. This is where I will stay.

Thank you. Cut the crap!

I told you, sit down! Okay.

You're trying to get his job on "The Morning Show."

Damn it! Who are these fucking people?

Just give me a name!

I'm trying to help you, Hank.

If I was pussy-whipped, you'd be talking to me

the way I'm talking to you now.

Whoa. You think my wife has something to do with this?

Oh, hell, everybody knows she's on your ass.

And by the way, I never liked Margaret.

She looks at you like she's got X-Ray vision.

It gives me the creeps.

Everybody knows. Is that what you said?

Yeah. Everybody knows?

Well, everybody's wrong!

You'll all wrong!

You're talking about my wife.

She happens to love me very much

and she's just looking out for my best interest.

She happens to think that I deserve more

than I am getting right now, and you know what?

I think-- I think she's right.

And, uh, that thing with her eyes?

That is a severe astigmatism, okay?

I'm sorry. Don't get me wrong.

She's a lovely girl, but I can't allow her

to lift her skirt for every other show that comes along!

I quit.

I think that solves your problem, right?

I'm trying to help, but Goddamn it,

I will not put up with your bullshit!

Yeah? Well, I-- I am gone. Listen, I'm a pro.

I'm gonna do the show tonight,

but after that, hasta la vista, baby. All right.

Let me tell you another thing.

You do not apply the term "pussy-whipped"

to Hank Kingsley. No?

No. He has never been nor never will be whipped by anything,

let alone a pussy.

Excuse me. Hank. Yeah?

Margaret called. She says it's urgent.

See that? Yeah, I'm really pussy-whipped.

Did she call from home or the car?

Home.

(chuckles)

Yeah, like I give a shit.

How's it going, Hank?

(laughing)

How's the wife?

You're the one who plays uh, the real kooky guy, right?

In your act? Yeah.

Now, do you want to see something really kooky?

Ask me about my lady again.

The guy's a fucking wingnut.

Okay, tell me something I want to hear.

What, I don't get the song?

No, not this time. Come on.

All right, all right.

I-- I called Kathie Lee at home.

I talked to her on the phone, Yes, yes.

and, uh, she's a nice girl.

Yes. Come on. I ran the idea by her.

Yes. Come on. Uh...

Come on. she, uh...

she feels there'd be some difficulties.

She said that? In so many words.

What'd she say?

She doesn't want to work with you.

She said that? In so many words.

Come on, what did-- She hates you.

She hates me? How could she hate me?

She doesn't even-- She doesn't even know me.

She mentioned something

about an auto show in Buffalo in 1979,

where you locked her in the-- in the trunk of a Camaro,

as she puts it, for laughs. No.

Well-- Oh, no, no, no, no. That's Cathy Lee Crosby.

Uh...

Oh! Oh, shit!

Oh, shit! Shit!

Listen, it's better this way. No, no.

No, it's better this way. No. You're gonna kill me.

You can stay here where you belong.

I had a-- I had a fight with Arthur and, uh... Yeah?

he found out about the job and I, uh...

I said I, uh... I said I quit, you know?

What are we gonna do?

I will tell you one thing.

You talk to Regis.

You tell him you'd be very happy to be his sidekick.

Okay. Can you live with that?

Or more importantly, can your wife live with that?

I don't know. What I hear is that

I may be performing a benefit in a burn unit.

A burn unit? Yeah, really.

Yeah, I know. If you're recovering

and you're in a burn unit,

like, I think I'm the last person

you want to see swinging through the doors.

Is that really true? It is. Yeah, it's-- it's really true.

(laughing) There's Michael Bolton.

Where? Oh, my God. Excuse us.

Oh, that's great. Thanks for the warning.

How are you doing, Bob?

I'm, uh, I'm still living that same dream.

Yeah. Good, good, good.

Regis is on the show. Yeah. Yeah, I know.

That's great. I want to do his show. Yeah, yeah.

You do? Why? 'Cause I'm a morning guy.

Yeah. Oh, I could see that.

No, actually, I want to do the show

'cause I had this idea.

What I want to do is I want to, um--

I'm gonna have a big meal, big Denny's Grand Slam,

and, you know, eat as much as I can,

eat some pork and everything, 'cause I'm a vegetarian,

and then the idea is is I'm gonna have, uh,

ipecac in a coffee mug.

That's the stuff that induces vomiting.

Uh-huh. So, the first time, you know, I hear "Cody,"

Uh-huh. I take a big fucking swig off of it, and then, boom!

I'm just gonna projectile vomit all over Kathie Lee.

That's hilarious. Thanks.

That is hilarious. Came up with it myself.

But-- but I also want to hit him, too,

'cause I don't want to be sexist.

And get Gelman while you're at it.

No, I don't-- I don't have that kind of range.

That's true. All right.

See you out there. Thanks.

Anything, uh, I need to know, or...

Michael Bolton has a slight head cold.

He's still going to sing. Good, good.

And that thing with, uh, Hank-- did you take care of that?

Oh, that situation is cleared up completely.

Good, good, good. Everything okay?

He offered a solution. I accepted.

Great. Anything else? Your fly is open.

Thank you. Don't mention it.

Part of my job.

Looking at my crotch?

I consider it a perk.

I just want you to know, I'm gonna go out there,

I'm gonna give it my all, same as I always do.

Good. Good to hear.

Uh, this has nothing to do with you and I.

It's just, uh, I'm going through some stuff

and, uh, I'm not gonna let it affect my performance.

Hank. Hank. Yeah?

I know there was a problem,

I know there's a solution that we accepted,

and I'm very happy.

Have a good one.

You are cold, baby.

So, you're here, doing our show,

which I appreciate. Yeah.

Are you doing anything else in town?

Are you here for business? Anything like that? No.

No. Just gonna do your show.

Joy and I will have a little dinner,

and get the plane home.

Oh, good. Well, good luck getting that plane.

You know, there are not many that go to New York.

Okay. Stay tuned. We'll be right back

with Bobcat Goldthwait right after this.

(cheers and applause) No flipping.

(cheers and applause)

Great. Thanks.

Good job. Thanks.

♪ ♪

(clears throat)

You know, uh, that was really uncomfortable.

Uh, I really don't want to have Regis on again.

At least he didn't sing. Yeah. No, I'll give him that,

but I don't like the fact that he's, uh,

coming on the show and trying to steal, you know, just Hank,

and I really don't want him on.

Well, Mr. Goldthwait's up next. Yeah. Good, good.

He's a loose cannon. I don't trust his ass.

Yeah, I know. Let my get my baby elephant palm off the set.

I-- I raised it from a mere nut. Oh, yeah?

Those come from nuts, huh? From a small nut.

Right. Yeah, I see.

Unlike your date palms. They come from dates. My date palms.

A different kind of-- well, you know. Yeah.

Yeah. You've had a date, haven't you?

I've had a date, sure. Yeah. I mean, the fruit.

Right. Well, that's where it grows from.

What? From the seed in the date.

A palm does?

I've been thinking a lot about the job offer,

and I just want to tell you, I'm in.

That's great! Hank, that's terrific!

We'll have a wonderful time.

And when-- when are you signing? Next week.

Well, I'm in, I'm in.

You know, I'm ready as soon as you want me.

That's fabulous. Fabulous!

We're gonna start in the fall of '97.

Okay.

What'd you say?

Fall of '97.

Wait, uh, but aren't-- when are you leaving "The Morning Show"?

When-- when my contract expires, which is in the fall of '97.

Uh, but you're not quitting the show now?

No, no. What, are you nuts, Hank?

That show is everything to me.

It's my base. It's where I live.

It's-- I can't.

Fall of '97? Yeah.

Hank, you okay? Yeah.

(exhaling)

Does, uh, Joy ever give you, uh, career advice?

No, no, never.

Hank, you all right? Yeah.

Hank?

(vomiting) Jesus! Hank!

(vomiting)

Oh, my baby.

(vomiting)

Tell me about the, uh, "The Tonight Show" thing

and what you did there. What was that about?

I know you can't discuss some of it for legal reasons.

Well, uh, to-- to be honest, I'm-- I'm facing a year in jail,

and I-- I really didn't think we were gonna bring it up.

Well, we don't have to if you don't want to.

I just thought it was kind of...

No, I-- I-- I think we said I didn't want to. Okay.

(laughter)

Let's talk about something else then, okay?

You want to do that?

I was just curious why you did that thing

on "The Tonight Show." Well, it worked. It worked.

The, uh, lighting the, uh, chair worked?

Yeah, I mean, that's-- that's why you have me here tonight.

No, no, we have you on-- and I may say this,

we are big fans of yours. Oh, that's bull(bleep).

(laughter)

No. Bob-- all right. (glass clattering)

See? That's why you have me on.

It's like, here, go crazy, go nuts.

(clattering)

Dance for us, monkey boy! Dance!

(grunts)

(crashing) (audience gasps)

(screaming)

Larry: Can you, uh, watch...

(yelps)

This is usually when they go to a commercial.

Okay. We'll be right back, uh, with, uh, Michael Bolton,

right after this break. Michael Bolton.

You know, Leno's right. You can't do that kind of thing.

I thought you were gonna stick to the questions.

Are you aware of that? hurt somebody.

I thought it was funny. I'm sorry.

You thought it was funny? Here's the man you should be apologizing to--

this old man in a wheelchair, you asshole.

I-- I'm sorry. I didn't know you were there.

One minute, I'm standing behind the curtain,

eating a mint. The next thing I know,

I've got a cardboard mountain up my ass.

You young people don't know what funny is.

Eddie Cantor was funny.

If I didn't have arthritis, I'd knock you right on your ass.

Happy now?

I'm sorry.

Okay. I'll escort you to your dressing room

in case you get the urge to push a Coke machine

over on Michael Bolton.

I wouldn't do it if it wasn't televised.

Oh, come on, you fucking asshole.

Uh, Larry, uh, Hank has something to say.

Uh, yeah, I just, uh-- well, the bottom line is,

I'm just-- I'm-- I'm a fucking mess.

"My marriage..." And my marriage is, uh...

"My life." My life is, uh...

All right, fine. It's fine.

This is fine. What do you mean, it's fine?

You mean I can stay? Yeah, you stay.

Really? Yeah.

See you tomorrow? See you tomorrow.

Great. A little smile?

Okay. Good.

Tell Artie... Tell Artie what?

Would you, uh, tell Artie?

So, you know Hank is staying.

Does that mean something to you?

I'll bet he is. He found out

Regis' show doesn't go in three years.

What'd you do? Hire him back?

What do you mean? He quit this morning.

Well, I didn't know that. Well, why should you?

You told me you didn't want to know.

Well, I'd like to know if someone quits.

Yeah, well, I tell you what happened.

I called the fucker in your office here

and I told him he was pussy-whipped

and better get his act straight now.

Okay, fine, fine, fine. As long as you handled it.

I handled it. 'Cause I don't really need to know.

Okay. Good.

Regis: Hi, guys.

Hey, Reg. Hey.

Anybody going to invite me in?

Oh, come on in, buddy! Yeah, come on.

Two years to get on the show, two years in the hallway.

Just wanted to say I had a great time. Thanks.

R.P., you're the greatest.

We're gonna have you sing next time.

Thanks, Artie. Yeah.

Hey, that Bobcat is wild, huh?

You know what I did?

I asked him to come on our show in New York next week. Yeah.

Yeah? Oh, good. You're gonna have fun.

Yeah? Yeah. You'll have a lot of fun.

I think so. Listen, he can't be the kook he was here.

This is daytime, and he promised me he'd be a good boy.

Yeah, well, if he promised you, he will be.

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

But I'd tell Kathie Lee to stay about 10 feet back, okay?

That's a little tip. Oh, come on, come on.

All right. Anyway, thanks, guys.

Hey, see you. Hey, see you, champ.

Tell Sally I said hi. I will.

Excuse me. He promised, he promised,

he promised when I spoke to him he wasn't gonna do anything.

In the morning, young lady.

I'm really, really sorry.

In the morning! Please. Thank you.

You know, this is gonna be all over the press in the morning.

How's that gonna make us look?

Yay!

(theme music plays)