Original subtitles

Arthur: Good morning, Sir Lawrence.

Morning. Brad with Ray's inside.

Thank you.

We've got a terrific lineup tonight,

and prepare to be dazzled!

Good, let's just finish this up.

Okay, they'd like to know if you'll be bringing someone.

What exciting event

has our important talk show host been invited to?

Just a little dinner with the President Of the United States.

That's all. Oh!

That's both hoity and toity. Where are you sitting?

Table 20.

Hey, not bad! I'm proud of you. Thank you.

So, will you be bringing someone?

Uh... I don't know yet.

I haven't had the pleasure of saluting

our Commander In Chief in some time.

(clears throat) Just keep me in mind

if you can't scrounge up anybody better.

Will do. Who's Carol Richmond?

Uh, she's the secretary at William Morris.

You were supposed to take her out to dinner?

Just, uh, tell her I'm in Big Bear

for the next couple weeks, okay?

Larry, if I use that Big Bear excuse,

she's gonna know that you're blowing her off.

I'm not blowing anyone.

Not till next week at the big network meeting.

Yeah, when I'll be blowing everyone.

Me too.

Uh, gentlemen, excuse me, do you mind?

Oh, Beverly, it was just boys' talk, what the fuck?

(knocking) Big news!

Page 51, People Magazine.

Drum roll, please! Don't need it.

Sharon Stone's engagement is off, it's dead, kaput.

Translation-- she is available.

Who really gives a shit?

Why, the grand high exalted pussy master here might.

Uh, Hank, I'm in the room, please?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I-- I just-- I thought you knew.

Now, if I am not mistaken,

Miss Stone is on our little show tonight,

is that right?

Oh... (barking)

Mmm.

I just love her.

I mean, if I wasn't a married man...

Guess who's not getting any pussy at home?

I'm getting some pussy at home.

Gentlemen, excuse me!

But how would you guys like it if I stood around here

and talked about pussy, huh?

How would you like that?

Pussy, pussy, I'm gonna go get me some pussy!

How would you like that?

Well, when you say it that way, it takes the shine off it.

I'm gonna go get a job at a bank, I swear.

Get some of that drive-thru pussy.

(chuckling)

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

Let me see. Hey.

What? Come on.

Let me see the picture.

Miss Stone... look at that.

Oh... Hello!

Mmm.

I wonder if she looks this sexy in, uh, real life.

'Cause I know I don't.

Mmm.

Mr. Sanders, hi.

Diane French, I'm Sharon's assistant.

Oh, hi, Diane, nice to meet you, pleasure.

This is a surprise. We were told

that you never talk to guests before the show.

Oh, that is not the case.

I often come down to say hello to the guests

just as a common courtesy, you know.

Very nice. Larry?

So...

What are you doing back here before the show?

Is something wrong?

Phil, I'm just saying hello to the guests.

This is Diane. Phil, our writer.

Oh. Hi, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Yeah.

You know, if you're gonna try something new,

you should tell people.

You scared the shit out of me.

Everything's fine.

Nice to meet you. Good, okay.

Uh...

I got Larry here for you.

Thanks, can you pick up with Chuck for me?

Thanks. Hi.

Hi! Well, there he is. Say, listen,

I just wanted to stop by and say thanks

for doing the show, I really appreciate it.

Sure. My pleasure. Good.

I'm glad it's back on the air.

Oh, thanks. Me too.

I had to go to Montana to get, you know,

some things straight in my life.

Oh. Just get away for a while,

I'm sure you understand what that's like.

Yeah. Oof!

I was in this really unhealthy relationship

with my ex-wife, you know?

Oh. We were like locusts.

We'd get together every seven years

and destroy everything for miles,

and then split apart again.

But, you know, that's over.

She's back in New York now, and I'm here in LA alone,

which is great, because I have-- you know,

I can find myself now.

I'm enjoying the time alone.

(laughing) Larry...

you read the article in People Magazine,

didn't you?

What article?

The one about my engagement being off.

Oh, no, I didn't.

So, you're no longer with, uh...

C.A.A.? Sharon?

Hi. Hi.

Excuse me, guys. I just wanted to say hi.

Hank Kingsley. Nice to meet you.

I just want you to know it's--

it's just a real thrill to meet you.

(chuckling) Oh, thanks.

Listen, Larry and I read the thing in People

this morning about the, uh... ow, you're on my, um...

about the engagement.

And, listen, just know that things in this life

happen for a reason.

Remember that when we fire you.

(all laughing)

When I say "we," I hope you'll participate.

Ow.

Well, have a good time out there on the show.

Okay. And welcome.

Thank you. Welcome.

Okay, well, I'll see you out there.

You will. Yeah, he'll be...

Okay. He might be there.

(chuckling) All right. Okay.

Welcome.

(chuckling) Okay.

All right. Good.

And Hank?

Vous êtes très gentil.

I wanna thank you for being here.

I hope you'll come back soon.

Thank you... no. (laughing)

You'll be coming back, won't you? No.

Come on, won't you be coming back?

I don't think so. You'll be coming back, won't you?

Hank: You have to come back. No, that'll be it. Okay.

Yes, come back, yes. No, you're coming back.

All right, I'll come back to see Hank.

You have-- may I say, you have a beautiful voice.

Thank you.

(laughing)

We'll be right back.

We have Will Smith. This has been Sharon Stone.

And stay tuned, no flipping. Thanks, Sharon.

(cheers and applause)

(indistinct chatter)

Thank you.

Uh... let me walk you.

Thank you. Boy, thank you.

Just great.

Oh, I feel so uncomfortable when I do these shows.

Really? Well, so do I.

You do? Yeah.

You're so good at it. No, trust me, I hate myself.

(laughing)

So, what does someone like you do now?

Tonight? Yeah.

Um, I'm having dinner with Oliver Stone.

Wow, that's just what I imagined

someone like you doing, having dinner with Oliver Stone.

Larry! Larry! He's such an interesting guy.

What are you doing here during the show?

Is there a problem or something?

There's no problem, I'm walking Miss Stone out.

Common courtesy? Oh, right, right.

Good, there's a lot of gang activity

in this part of the hallway.

You know, if you married Oliver Stone, you'd be...

Sharon Stone. Sharon Stone.

Oh, you've... (laughing)

Actually, we are married.

No, I'm kidding, I'm not really-- Oh, you frightened me.

I don't even really know him. Are you...

But we're gonna discuss a future project.

Oh, that is so great. Yeah.

I'd love to talk to that guy, 'cause I think my mother

had something to do with the Kennedy assassination.

(laughing) Well, in that case,

why don't you join us for dinner?

You could-- you could come as my date?

Are you sure I wouldn't, uh, be imposing?

I don't want you to think I tried to weasel

into your Oliver Stone dinner.

No, I know you did. Yeah.

But I think he'd like to meet you. I wasn't trying to.

Well, that would be great. It'd be fun.

I would love that. Okay.

Thanks, I'll look forward to it.

All right.

And I gotta go talk to Will Smith now,

or believe me, I... wouldn't leave now.

All right, great. Okay.

Great. (laughing)

I'll... I'll follow you down the block.

All right, I'll see you tonight then, okay.

Good morning. Good morning, Larry.

Good morning. Listen, the TV Guide reporter's in your office.

He said it'll only take about half an hour.

Oh, okay.

Is there anything you wanna tell me about last night?

Hi-- don't stand, I enjoy feeling really tall.

(chuckles) Denis Markle, TV Guide.

Nice meeting you. Thanks for giving me the time.

Hey, I love TV Guide.

I especially love the crossword puzzle,

but those... those clues!

"The Courtship 'blank' Eddie's Father."

I was up half the night.

Of. Word was "of."

Oh, is it? Oh, damn it.

I put "am." (laughing)

Feel free to call me next time.

I will-- so, I assume this is, uh...

Jay, Dave, me,

the talk show wars, blah-blah-blah?

Yeah, but you know, before we get started,

I wanted to ask you something.

I... I understand you had dinner

with Sharon Stone last night.

How'd you hear that?

Well, Sharon Stone, you know, we know everything she does.

How was the food at Morton's?

Great, fine.

And I understand you took her

back to your place after dinner?

Excuse me, just a-- you made me think of something.

Uh, Beverly?

Beverly on phone: Yeah?

Would you do me a favor and see if we've heard

from the Cadillac dealership yet?

I certainly can.

Thank you.

Uh, Larry, I'm sorry to interrupt you.

There's an emergency.

Something fell on Bobby on the stage.

Oh, my God.

Excuse me, uh... Sure.

Emergency, uh, I have to go.

You want me to stick around?

Uh... I don't know.

Something's happened to Robby.

Are you okay?

All this guy did is ask me about Sharon Stone, okay?

Okay, Larry, I'll get rid of him.

Sharon? You know-- yeah.

I'm doing an interview and this...

Hey, Larry, I heard-- I heard "Cadillac"

but there was a bottleneck in the kitchenette.

I'm doing an interview with this guy from TV Guide

and he's asking me about Sharon Stone.

He even knew that we had eaten at Morton's

and I was like, God, what is the point? Oh, Will Smith was right!

Oh, for God sakes, Hank.

If you wanna know about my relationship,

just ask me, don't read that stuff.

See, I'm sorry, but I just didn't know--

I didn't know I had that option.

Well... That's great.

Good. So, um...

what did-- what did she eat?

Oh, for God sakes. Come on.

Did Liz mention that last night's ratings

were the highest we've had this season?

The ratings weren't higher than my first night

back from Montana, were they?

Of course not. Good.

Hey, let me... Oh, no.

Too late, all gone. What were you saying?

Excuse me? Larry?

Uh, Diane called from Sharon's office.

Sharon would like to come by tonight and have dinner after the show.

Mmm. Great.

Tell her to meet me in the hallway backstage.

Okay.

What? (chuckling)

What are you doing?

Mmm.

I can't... um, I'm gonna...

What is wrong with him?

What does this have to do with publicity?

This is my personal life.

I'd like to keep a little distance.

Look, Larry, if you're dating Joanie Baloney,

who gives a shit... but Sharon Stone?

Yeah. I'm wetting myself.

Sure, well, that's a preexisting condition, I believe.

Look, Larry, I need pictures of the two of you together--

laughing, crying, I don't care.

Norman, when we came out of the restaurant,

there were hundreds of photographers.

There must be thousands of pictures already taken.

Yeah, I know-- hundreds of pictures of her.

You're off to the side, she's blocking you.

I mean, your ass is halfway out the limo door.

You know what, do me a favor.

The next time they start snapping,

get your head in close, you know, like this.

Just get it in like that.

You know? That would be better.

Why don't I just have her carry me around in a headlock?

Oh, speaking of which, um... she must be wild in bed.

Isn't she wild?

Would you do me a favor and step back?

Let me explain the second law

of thermodynamics to you, okay?

Heat always passes from a hotter body

to a cooler body, and never the other way around.

All right, is there gonna be a quiz on this?

No, it's fabulous!

I mean, you see, you're getting her heat.

Uh-huh? That means the show is getting heat.

That means my kids will eat.

You have kids?

There are some kids in my neighborhood.

Who gives a shit? Look--

I'll talk to you soon, okay?

Take care, Arthur. Norman, you're the tops.

All right, bye.

Well, what do you think? He comes across as being right.

I think this is insane, Artie.

If this is the way people react when I just have dinner,

what's gonna happen if, God forbid, I have sex with her?

The shot heard round the world.

What a romantic way of putting it.

Look, come on.

They watch every move she makes.

Don't you understand the current caliber

of this woman's celebrity? Yeah.

I'm a celebrity, I know what it's like

to have your every move watched, Artie.

(muffled) Oh, she's more famous than you are.

What? She's more famous than you are.

She's what? More famous than you.

Oh, come on, that is all relative.

Listen, I'm gonna tell you what you're gonna go through,

because I went through this when I was dating Jackie Bisset.

(groaning) Your ego is gonna get

the living shit kicked out of it, pal.

You think you can handle that, scout?

I'm all for you, go right ahead. I think I can handle it, okay?

Okay, I bet you can. Can't we do the show?

Um... can I talk to you for just a second?

You feeling better? Yeah, I'm fine.

Could you... could you...

could you tell me what happened last night?

Hank, nothing happened.

We went to dinner, I took her home.

See, I respect that, see, that's a gentleman,

and, uh... that's-- I love you for that.

But come on, this is me. Hey... did you bang her?

No-- you know who ate the last donut?

I'll kill the person who ate the last donut.

Was it you? (stammering)

Let me explain something to you.

I know that never in this lifetime

will I enjoy the act of lovemaking with someone

of Sharon Stone's caliber.

I know this and I accept this.

I am so fat. So, I am asking you

to just take pity on me, please?

Just take pity and share with me

some of God's bounty

that he has obviously seen fit to bestow on you.

You sound like you're quoting scripture now.

Are you-- are you aware of that? Just tell me what happened.

Can you...

Did you hear?

Larry is banging Sharon Stone!

You shut the fuck up.

And hide that.

(cheers and applause)

(Larry mouthing)

Thank you very much.

(cheers and applause continue)

Man: How's Sharon?

Phil? Hey, great show.

That's the worst show we've ever done. Are you insane?

I thought you handled that heckler really well.

Listen to me, the next time you bring your father

to the show, you tell him to keep his mouth shut.

All right? I'm sorry.

Sharon: I heard it was really well-received in Europe...

Is Sharon here yet?

I don't know, I was just gonna check it out.

Oh, I'm sick and tired of talking about

the sex scenes in my movie.

I mean, in this movie with Sly,

there's maybe one four-minute love scene,

and I think it's really beautiful

and really tasteful as they get.

But actually, I think we're gonna see a side of Sly

that's more vulnerable and more tender than before.

I'll just be a minute.

No, that's okay, I'm fine, I'll be...

Did Sly have to shave for the movie?

His chest? Wherever.

I don't think his depilatory problems are my concern.

Larry Sanders.

Hey, how you doing?

You're standing on my cable.

Oh... sorry.

I'll be-- I'll be right over here.

Sharon: Okay, I'll just be two seconds.

I do the same amount of preparation

as my male costars...

I thought you were heading out for dinner.

Oh. Uh, reporters.

She's almost done.

Hey, I'm really glad to see the man's finally the one

nude in the movie,

I mean, if you're into that kind of thing.

And I am.

Hear, hear.

You know, when I had to wait for Jackie Bisset,

I used to stand there with a book

and pretend I was reading, you know?

Yeah. Good tip.

Well, good luck tonight, buddy.

Sharon: ...taking a little time and I'm waiting for...

♪ Many a tear has to fall... ♪

(Sharon giggling) I'm serious.

I should tell you before we get started

that I was in the wrestling team in high school,

and I can break any of your holds. Yeah?

Yeah. Well...

(Sharon grunting)

Wow... I only have one of those.

I could crush you. Yeah?

Well, I know. I've seen your movies.

Oh!

Listen, I keep forgetting to ask you.

Mm? I have tickets for the Clinton dinner.

Yeah? And I was wondering

if you would like to go with me,

because I have two seats at table 20,

which I understand is excellent.

You do? Mm-hmm.

That's great. You wanna go?

I have two tickets too,

I was gonna ask you to be my date. Really?

Yeah, really.

Well, isn't that perfect? Mm-hmm.

Where are you sitting? Where's your seats?

One.

One? Mm-hmm.

One what?

Table one. You're at table one?

Mm-hmm.

Well, that sounds closer than my table.

Mm-hmm.

Table one? Mm-hmm.

Who are you sitting with?

Bill and Hillary.

Oh, them. Mm-hmm.

Well, I guess we could sit with them if you wanted to.

Great.

What's wrong? Oh, nothing.

Nothing.

It's not you, it's just...

I don't-- it's the radio.

Let me... What's wrong?

Nothing, what's wrong with you?

It's the radio. Are you okay?

Wait, I just gotta turn the radio off.

There. (music stops)

All right, there we go.

There we go.

Table one? Mm-hmm.

(sighs)

Well... Well, you're just tired, I guess.

I don't know. I'll tell you what.

Maybe.

Yeah. I just...

You're just tired, you're working too hard.

Yeah, maybe we should watch a little TV.

Hank on TV: Larry Sanders.

Tonight, join Larry and his guests

Mel Gibson, Ellen DeGeneres, Wolfgang Puck

and me-- hey now-- Hank Kingsley.

And now, because he's better looking than I am,

Larry Sanders!

(cheers and applause)

Are you actually telling me you couldn't get an erection

until you turned your own goddamn show on?

Gentlemen, please!

Look, he was being clinical.

He didn't call it a woody.

(scoffs)

What happened?

You have to eat while we're talking about this?

Please?

Everything was going fine.

We're in bed-- terrific-- and then I ask her

if she wants to go to the Clinton dinner.

And she says she's already going

and she's sitting with the Clintons.

The next thing I know, all the blood in my body

settled in my ass.

I warned you, didn't I?

If you're in a show business relationship

and the woman's more famous than you are,

she's the one with the dick.

Oh, this has nothing to do with being famous.

I can show you a list of women this long

that aren't famous that I haven't been able

to get it up with.

That came out wrong.

Take your time.

It's only been a few days, and you know what?

It feels like this relationship is all about her.

This is not about me.

I have no iden-- you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah! No identity...

Uh-huh. in this thing.

It's all about her.

Believe me, I know.

Not me. Sharon and who? Sharon and who?

Beverly on phone: Larry, she's on line two.

Okay, thank you. Sharon?

Woman on phone: Hello?

Sharon?

It's Diane. Who's this?

Oh, it's, uh, it's Larry.

Oh, hi.

Did Sharon give you this number?

Uh, yeah. Is she there?

Larry, I'm sorry.

Could I ask you to hold for just a second?

Okay. Sure.

Hi, who's this?

Larry. Larry, I'm sorry.

I'm trying to track Sharon down for you.

Please hold.

Larry? Yeah?

I'm sorry, Larry, I feel like an idiot.

I totally forgot. Sharon's not here.

She went to Canyon Ranch for a couple of weeks.

Oh, Canyon Ranch. Yeah.

Can I, uh, put you on hold for just a second?

Mm-hmm.

Beverly? Beverly?

Get in here right now, I need you.

Uh, it's Diane.

Oh, sorry. Hold on.

Beverly?

Beverly on phone: Yeah?

Would you come in for a second? I need you.

Diane? Larry?

No, Diane, this is Beverly.

Hi. Hi there.

Listen, Diane, Larry tells me that Sharon's gone

to Canyon Ranch for a couple of weeks?

Yes, I totally forgot.

Oh, Diane, I'm gonna have to put you on hold

for just a minute.

See, Canyon Ranch is a female equivalent

to Big Bear. She's blowing me off.

No, no, I don't know, maybe she has just gone...

She is-- to Canyon Ranch for a couple of weeks.

She's blowing me off.

You know what, I need to get out of this relationship.

I need somebody who is not in show business.

Someone who can, uh, nurture me.

Larry, do you know, I had the same exact conversation

with both your ex-wives?

Well, that is a coincidence.

Yeah, probably, but in any event,

you want me to take care of it for you?

Yeah.

Diane? Listen...

this Canyon Ranch thing, you know,

just between the two of us,

does it mean what I think it does?

Are you alone?

Yeah.

Sharon really likes Larry,

but she feels she needs to be involved with somebody

outside show business,

somebody who can nurture her.

I-- yeah, I understand that, yeah.

So-- so, this is over, right?

Yeah, it's over. Thanks, Beverly.

You bet.

(sighs) Are you okay?

Yeah, I just hate confrontation.

Sure glad I'm out of that.

I hope we've learned our lesson.

You okay?

Can't believe she's out of our lives.

All right.

Boy, does he crave attention.

Oh, he's taking it badly though.

You know, I need to meet somebody normal,

like a nurse or a schoolteacher.

I vote for a nurse. They can get you drugs,

and those girls really know how to swing.

When I was in for my hernia, listen,

I wanted a sponge bath, and I'm like, "Whoa, baby."

Who's that?

I believe that's a lovely and talented Julianne Phillips.

And she's not more famous than I am, is she?

No!

Julianne!

I'm Arthur, I met you with Dan.

Yes, of course! Nice to see you.

You know Larry, don't you? Hi, I'm Larry.

Hi. It's a pleasure to meet you.

It's a pleasure-- I'm a big fan of your show.

Well, thank you, I'm a big fan of yours.

Oh, thank-- are you going to the Clinton dinner on Friday?

Yeah, are you going?

Yeah, I have a couple extra tickets, actually.

Well, I-- I've got two tickets too.

Oh, where are you sitting?

Table two.

(theme song playing)