Original subtitles

Hank: I'm-- I'm kidding. It says "applause."

Ray, do me a favor.

Could you flick that once?

(applause)

All right.

Now, remember,

you're all-- you're all a big part of the show,

so the better you are, the better Larry is.

Okay, now, you see this gentlemen?

Now, he's giving me this-- this sign and it says

we're on in 10 seconds,

so get ready to have a good time.

All right, here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Man: In five, four, three, two...

(theme music playing)

Hank: Live on tape from Hollywood, "The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight, join Larry and his guests, Mel Gibson,

Ellen DeGeneres, Wolfgang Puck and me,

"Hey now!" Hank Kingsley.

And now because he's better looking than I am,

Larry Sanders!

(cheering and applause)

Oh, thank you very much.

Well, let's get right to it.

Thank you. What a good crowd.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Well, let's get right to the news.

Denny's is in trouble again.

This time, two men are suing Denny's for $50 million,

saying that Denny's discriminates

against ethnic minorities.

The charges were immediately denied by Denny's

grand imperial wizard.

(laughter)

John-- John Wayne Bobbit

has settled a paternity suit by admitting that

he is indeed the father of a new baby,

and just to show there are no hard feelings,

uh, ex-wife Lorena has offered to do the circumcision.

(laughter)

Former "Price is Right" supermodel Diane Parkinson,

of course, is suing 70-year-old Bob Barker

for sexual harassment.

Barker denies the charges, saying he's been spayed

and neutered since '89.

(laughter and applause)

Audience member: Whoo!

Darlene: Uh, good show tonight, Larry.

Thanks, uh, Darlene.

What are you still doing here?

It's almost 9:00.

My car broke down, but the cab will be here soon.

Good. Mm.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Larry?

Um... Beverly said that you were going on

the annual staff retreat this weekend.

Oh.

Um, it's gonna be great this year

because instead of two vans, we have one big bus.

Really? Well, I don't go on those. I mean retreats.

Buses, I drove one in this morning.

I have a lot of new buses. You know, I'm doing really well.

You said you weren't coming last year

and you ended up winning the sack race.

Yeah, well, you know, I'd do anything to win the sack race.

Well, good night.

And, uh...

Good. Yeah.

(sighs)

Uh, Darlene, I'm just on my way out

if you'd like me to drop you off.

Thank you.

Thank you. That would be great, thank you.

Okay. Where do you live?

Um...

Oh, I have to go by Hank's restaurant and drop off

his reading glasses.

Okay. Well, we can-- you can-- I can drop you off around the corner

so he doesn't see me, okay?

Oh.

You and Hank have such a cute relationship.

Yeah, I know, but I'll just drop you off around the corner

so he doesn't see me.

Is that all right? Yeah. (chuckles)

You didn't have to walk in with me, Larry.

Well, no, I didn't, but I'm happy to. Oh...

Hank, look who's here. my God.

Oh, my God. All right, don't-- don't make a big deal.

No, it's just that you wouldn't believe you-- Come on-- All right.

Thank you for coming. You've come on the worst night.

The floor isn't rotating.

Oh, you would never know.

No, you would, because, you see, the tables would be moving.

You see, they're working on it right now, but the, uh...

Couple of rats got caught in the mechanisms.

Poor things. Oh, sorry to hear that.

Yeah.

You're gonna stay for supper.

Oh, uh, no, do you have his glasses?

Oh! We just--

No, you are going to stay for supper.

I'm telling you, we have flash frozen salmon and it's on me.

Come on.

I-- I can't.

Come on. No.

I just can't.

Please stay.

Okay. Great.

I'll go change.

Since I'm here.

I-- I just gotta ask you a-- a question. I hope you don't mind.

Uh, how-- how...

Is this the first, uh, time you've given Darlene a ride?

(floor whirring) Oh.

How long before I come back around?

(knocking)

Good morning.

Morning.

It's a change of plans for the weekend, my boy.

The staff retreat will be held at Calico Ranch

down in glorious San Diego.

Oh, it doesn't matter, I'm not going anyway.

Well, if you really mean it this time, I'll cancel the ranch,

and the rest of us can sit in a sensory deprivation tank

and see who takes a shit first.

I, uh, drove Darlene home last night.

What?

I didn't say anything.

I drove Phil home once.

It meant nothing. Listen to this.

In her apartment, Darlene has this huge collection

of primitive dolls from Mexico,

Africa, they're all over the place.

You feel like you're sitting in the gift shop of the UN.

Yeah?

She said she keeps one of the big doll in the passenger seat

next to her when she drives.

So she has someone to talk to in heavy traffic?

I believe it's so she can use the diamond lane. (chuckles)

A thousand bucks says this means big trouble.

Well, you're on.

This is gonna screw up the office dynamics

way into the next century. No, it isn't, no, it isn't.

Everything is gonna be fine.

There's not gonna be any trouble at all.

She believes in Tantric sex.

Do you believe that?

Let's make it 1,500. Fine.

What the hell is Tantric sex?

Well, we didn't do anything.

Yeah? But she says that it--

Tantric sex is, uh, when the man

holds back his orgasm

so that, uh...

I guess he can just keep going forever.

Make it an even 2,000.

I've never been so turned on my life.

Oh, me neither.

This is the easiest 2,500 I've ever made.

Larry, she probably let you take her home

because she was afraid to say no.

You are the boss.

I don't know what you're so uptight about.

'Cause you made the same mistake with me.

I thought we agreed never to talk about that again.

Yes, we did. Well, good.

Because it was a mistake.

And now, you're making another mistake.

So, I guess I should just go over there and tell Paula

to watch out, 'cause Mr. Sanders

is working his way through the office.

All I did was take her over to Hank's, then I took her home,

then I drove home.

Then I got up this morning

and I drove here, and now I'm here

getting shit for I don't know what.

Are we-- are we up to date?

Can I tell you something?

It ain't dipped in gold.

I beg your pardon.

What's, uh,

what's not dipped in gold? I don't-- I don't know, I don't know.

She says it's not dipped in gold.

Like I'm supposed to know what that means.

Um, I wanna nuke my muffin.

Yeah, I just got another, maybe, minute.

Why don't you come back?

Can I ask you a question?

Can I?

How would you feel if I--

You're not going to go and come back, are you?

You're just going to wait Well, I just want to ask you,

how would you feel if I started dating Beverly?

I would say that is your business.

Mm-hmm. It is your life.

Right.

Well, I-- I'm not into interracial dating, 'cause it's just

uh, never works.

I mean, the sex is good, but then the, uh, in the morning,

cultural differences start to rear their ugly heads.

I believe the cultural differences would happen

with you and any woman.

Wow. Yeah.

Excuse me.

This will be just another minute, if you can just wait.

Why don't you go and come back?

Well, here's what I say

to, uh, people who are actively pursuing Darlene.

Of course, I would never say this to you.

Uh-huh. Back off.

Back off, Jack.

Wow.

How old are you?

I tell people I'm 39.

Well, let me say something to you.

Nothing is going on with me and Darlene,

so you have nothing to worry about.

Okay? Okay.

Good. Fine.

So, no problem. Great. Thank you.

Aren't you gonna heat your muffin?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

(elevator dings)

Oh, hi, Darlene.

Hi, Larry.

Thanks again for the ride last night.

Oh.

You're welcome.

You know, uh, I've learned the hard way, Darlene,

that, uh, office relationships are inappropriate and, uh...

Screw him. Yeah, well, it's not like it's a dog or anything.

No, it's--

Congratulations, Darlene,

and, uh, good luck.

Next.

(vacuum whirring) I mean, Larry is a wonderful guy

and he's kind.

Funny, rich.

My God, he's the boss.

I-- I would date him if I could.

(vacuum shuts off)

Hank, what I do in the elevator is my business.

Come on, now. (vacuum whirring)

Don't-- don't get me wrong.

(vacuum stops)

I'm just-- I'm just--

I'm just looking out for you.

It's nice of you to look out for me, Hank.

What does Larry say about me?

What?

I mean, does he say anything good?

Because it would be really nice to hear.

Or anything bad.

Does he-- does he say bad things?

He didn't say anything.

(chuckling)

How about the, uh, time Tipper Gore complained about my breath?

Because I think Larry was a little pissed about that.

But my God, I-- I had an infection.

Hey. Excuse me.

What is going on? Nothing, Phil.

What, did you guys, like, fuck between the ninth and tenth floor?

Your mouth.

Hey.

I want to know what's going on. I mean, I know what I saw,

but what's really going on here, Darlene?

You never said we had an exclusive.

You never said you were gonna start dating the boss.

All he did was drive me home and we kissed once.

And so what if I do start dating him? So what?

It's fine, it's just that I didn't know you were gonna be such an opportunist.

I mean, first me, then Larry,

next week it'll be Bill Clinton and who else, Hillary?

Brava.

You are a natural.

(chuckles)

But you know, when you're doing a sketch, you wanna be bigger.

You want to hit harder.

It's much funnier that way.

That is funnier.

First of all, this hat's too loose.

Too loose!

Is there someone in there? I don't believe so.

What are you doing there?

I have been looking at the Sharper Image catalog to see

how to spend your money.

Here, for three grand, is a global satellite locator.

If you're bombed one night, you can find out where you're--

Where is everybody? 'Cause we gotta rehearse this.

I believe they're still standing by the elevator,

frozen in shock and amazement.

All right, well, this needs a lot of punching up.

(Cockney accent) 'Ello, Mum, 'ello.

That's funny.

(Cockney accent) 'Ello, 'ello.

It's funny. That's funny?

Yes. That's funny to you?

I need to talk to you.

Hank, we're busy now, we're-- we're punching up.

Hank, if this is what I think it is, Hank: Yes?

just please, you know,

what I do in the office is my business.

Yes, and you're entitled to that.

What I wanted to talk to you about was-- was not about this

gentleman and Darlene.

It's about Darlene and Phil.

They're way-- they're way out of control.

You--

Oh, forget I even mentioned it.

Oh.

What is he saying? What, Darlene was dating Phil?

It would appear so.

You think these jet skis are hard to learn? Hey--

How long has Darlene been dating Phil? 4,500.

"Clinton is in deep trouble with Whitewater.

"Remember the days when he was only in trouble

with white women?"

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, um, uh, it's an okay joke, or, uh, okay you wanna do it?

Both.

Okay.

"Researchers have identified a gene that may

"cause asthma and hay fever.

Sadly, it turned out to be Gene Rayburn."

Okay.

Okay? Okay.

"There was an embarrassing--" Hey, Larry.

Hey, Bob.

How you doing, man? Hey, good to see you.

Good to see you, too.

Hey, man. Hey.

I'm Bob. I play Danny on the hit show "Full House."

Right. I'm Phil.

Nice to meet you. Hi.

Uh, well, how you doing, Bob? How's, uh, Sherri?

Sherri's great.

Good. Thanks, kids are good.

Good. How about you?

Are you seeing anybody new?

Yeah.

(clears throat)

Uh...

Why don't-- why don't we go double check the cards, Sid?

It's him, isn't it?

There's somebody in the office that I like and I don't know

what to do about it and she's-- No, no, no, no, no.

Office romance. That's-- that's a bad idea.

It's bad news, doesn't work. Yeah.

I've been in that situation.

With the Olsen twins?

Man: Five, four, three, two...

♪ ♪

It is him, isn't it? It's him.

(change jingling)

You want diet? Yes.

Why do you want to have dinner with me?

I want to get to know the real Paula.

Why?

I like your new hair.

I thought you said it made me look like Pat Benatar's

shorter, fatter sister.

No, I said cuter.

I said-- I said cuter.

Mm, well, that's very, very flattering, you know,

'cause cuteness has always been a top priority with me.

Ah, touché.

See, we have a natural banter going already.

It's gonna be fun. Okay.

What the hell? It's just dinner.

Actually...

Never mind.

What?

I-- I was gonna ask you out eventually.

Really?

I have to go get the phone.

Didn't you know that Phil and I

have been going out for a month?

No.

Remember that guy I told you I was seeing who I thought could

speak French, and then I found out

it was just all made-up words?

That was Phil?

I'm sorry. I thought you knew.

So, he just asked me out to piss you off.

Paula, if I had known. I'm sorry.

I have to go get the phone.

I remember that show. 'Cause we knew it was gonna die,

so they put that in the very beginning of it. That was smart.

The show, not to be on long, with Bob, and it was actually

not a bad show, but this exec at CBS I don't think liked me

'cause my contention was that he took all of his advice

from his toupee.

From his toupee. Yeah.

It was like, he would go, "Should we keep Saget?"

And he'd go like that.

Be like, "Should we get rid of 'Cagney and Lacey'?" Be like that.

You know, and then I think he'd just go home with it

and he'd be, like, sitting across,

"Want some more wine?" It was like Thing, you know?

Wow. Then he'd go home and he would jump on his lap

and he was happy.

You don't break up with someone

and ask someone new out the same day.

You were the one who broke up with me. Now I'm doubly screwed

because I went a whole month without having an orgasm.

Well, guess what? So did I.

Well, that's the point, right?

Hey.

Sorry.

I know you want to hurt me,

but by dating one of my best friends

is really low.

You and Paula are not best friends. You're girls.

Go fry an egg.

Ouch.

This relationship can't go any further.

I know. I agree.

It is making everything

really confusing and, uh...

I mean, there's another solution.

One of us could quit. (both chuckle)

I could never leave Hank.

Yeah, right.

Uh...

Artie's looking for you.

Congratulations again, Darlene.

Thank you. Gee, that's great.

Next.

(clears throat)

Ay...

(coins clanking)

I waited as long as I could,

but I really need a Coke.

(bang)

Beverly.

Beverly.

Did-- did you see Beverly? No.

Well, I don't have the key to my office.

Does any-- Do-- Where is she?

I don't know. She ran in and said twice in one day

is two times too many and ran out.

Well, where's Arthur? I don't know.

Well, would-- would--

What?

Here's the, uh, celebrity dog walker sketch

that you wanted. Okay, good.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Paula: Hey, Phil?

Look at this fancy keychain I just got.

It's got a flashlight, compass, stopwatch.

I can do anything with this but fuck myself.

I gotta go get the phone.

(elevator dings)

Oh, Larry. I-- I can take the stairs if you don't want

people to see us leaving together.

Oh, no, no, no, no, that's fine. Okay.

Well.

Which one of these do you-- do you-- do you like the most? Oh.

This one. Yeah, me too.

Yeah, me too.

Darlene, we can't, uh, let things go on

because it is really getting messy out there. Mm-hmm.

I'm serious. She's not my type.

Really? What don't you like?

The blonde hair, big breasts?

She, you know, she's not a thinker.

(sobbing)

Again, I'm sorry to hear that, Darlene.

Who's next?

Morning, Paula. Good morning.

You know, you should have kept Jerry and fired Phil

for being a lying prick.

Larry, I just want to say that Paula has threatened me

with physical violence

and if something is to happen to me here,

I-- I will sue the show. I want you to know that.

Uh, you know, I'm gonna fire one of these idiots.

Which one?

You know, you're right.

Both of them. Both of those idiots.

(sobbing)

Maybe three?

Yeah, maybe four. I quit. (chuckles)

Do you want your money in cash or a check?

Well, you'll be getting the bill from the Browning dealer

for this sweetheart.

Hey, look at this.

Ah, what a beauty. Engraving by Angelo Bee.

Five grand.

I'll pay the extra grand.

What do you think?

Load it.

Okay, come on! Let's go, people, five minutes!

Bus is waiting.

Sixth annual "Larry Sanders" annual retreat.

Fun and sun! In the sun.

Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go.

Come on.

Grab a bus buddy.

Here's... Larry.

This is gonna be one fun weekend.

I must say, they brought it on themselves.

Yes, they did. Serves them all right.

Yes, they're done. Oh, uh, Artie,

I got us adjoining cabins.

Oh, I thought we agreed that our evening of bliss

was an event best not repeated.

Well, you picked a fine time to tell me this.

And it was three evenings.

I want my money back.

(end music playing)