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1
00:00:15,050 --> 00:00:17,210
Hank:
I'm-- I'm kidding.
It says "applause."
2
00:00:17,230 --> 00:00:18,290
Ray, do me a favor.
3
00:00:19,010 --> 00:00:20,280
Could you flick that once?
4
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,040
(applause)
5
00:00:22,059 --> 00:00:23,139
All right.
6
00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:24,240
Now, remember,
7
00:00:24,260 --> 00:00:26,240
you're all-- you're all a big
part of the show,
8
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:30,040
so the better you are,
the better Larry is.
9
00:00:30,059 --> 00:00:31,159
Okay, now, you see this
gentlemen?
10
00:00:31,179 --> 00:00:34,099
Now, he's giving me this-- this
sign and it says
11
00:00:34,119 --> 00:00:35,169
we're on in 10 seconds,
12
00:00:35,189 --> 00:00:38,199
so get ready
to have a good time.
13
00:00:38,219 --> 00:00:40,239
All right, here we go.
14
00:00:40,259 --> 00:00:42,179
This is exciting, isn't it?
15
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:47,010
Man:
In five, four, three, two...
16
00:00:47,030 --> 00:00:50,030
(theme music playing)
17
00:00:55,060 --> 00:00:59,140
Hank:
Live on tape from Hollywood,
"The Larry Sanders Show."
18
00:00:59,159 --> 00:01:03,129
Tonight, join Larry and his
guests, Mel Gibson,
19
00:01:03,149 --> 00:01:06,119
Ellen DeGeneres,
Wolfgang Puck and me,
20
00:01:06,140 --> 00:01:09,100
"Hey now!" Hank Kingsley.
21
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:12,070
And now because he's better
looking than I am,
22
00:01:12,090 --> 00:01:16,260
Larry Sanders!
23
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:19,280
(cheering and applause)
24
00:01:25,170 --> 00:01:29,180
Oh, thank you very much.
25
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,080
Well, let's get right to it.
26
00:01:31,099 --> 00:01:33,019
Thank you. What a good crowd.
27
00:01:36,270 --> 00:01:39,100
Thank you very much.
28
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:43,070
Thank you.
29
00:01:43,090 --> 00:01:45,060
Well, let's get
right to the news.
30
00:01:45,079 --> 00:01:46,179
Denny's is in trouble again.
31
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:50,080
This time, two men are suing
Denny's for $50 million,
32
00:01:50,099 --> 00:01:51,999
saying that Denny's
discriminates
33
00:01:52,020 --> 00:01:54,260
against ethnic minorities.
34
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,220
The charges were immediately
denied by Denny's
35
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:58,210
grand imperial wizard.
36
00:01:58,229 --> 00:02:02,009
(laughter)
37
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:05,130
John-- John Wayne Bobbit
38
00:02:05,150 --> 00:02:08,110
has settled a paternity suit
by admitting that
39
00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:09,289
he is indeed the father
of a new baby,
40
00:02:10,009 --> 00:02:12,009
and just to show
there are no hard feelings,
41
00:02:12,030 --> 00:02:15,280
uh, ex-wife Lorena has offered
to do the circumcision.
42
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:19,170
(laughter)
43
00:02:19,189 --> 00:02:22,049
Former "Price is Right"
supermodel Diane Parkinson,
44
00:02:22,069 --> 00:02:25,229
of course, is suing
70-year-old Bob Barker
45
00:02:25,250 --> 00:02:29,200
for sexual harassment.
46
00:02:29,219 --> 00:02:32,069
Barker denies the charges,
saying he's been spayed
47
00:02:32,090 --> 00:02:33,210
and neutered since '89.
48
00:02:33,229 --> 00:02:35,199
(laughter and applause)
49
00:02:35,219 --> 00:02:37,119
Audience member:
Whoo!
50
00:02:43,289 --> 00:02:45,209
Darlene:
Uh, good show tonight, Larry.
51
00:02:45,229 --> 00:02:49,059
Thanks, uh, Darlene.
52
00:02:49,079 --> 00:02:50,129
What are you
still doing here?
53
00:02:50,150 --> 00:02:51,290
It's almost 9:00.
54
00:02:52,009 --> 00:02:55,039
My car broke down, but the cab
will be here soon.
55
00:02:55,060 --> 00:02:56,180
Good.
Mm.
56
00:02:56,199 --> 00:02:57,209
Well, good night.
57
00:02:57,229 --> 00:02:59,109
Good night.
58
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:03,150
Larry?
59
00:03:03,169 --> 00:03:06,049
Um... Beverly said that
you were going on
60
00:03:06,069 --> 00:03:08,069
the annual staff retreat
this weekend.
61
00:03:08,090 --> 00:03:09,240
Oh.
62
00:03:09,259 --> 00:03:10,279
Um, it's gonna
be great this year
63
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:12,210
because instead of two vans,
we have one big bus.
64
00:03:12,229 --> 00:03:15,049
Really? Well, I don't go
on those. I mean retreats.
65
00:03:15,069 --> 00:03:16,239
Buses, I drove one
in this morning.
66
00:03:16,259 --> 00:03:18,289
I have a lot of new buses.
You know, I'm doing really well.
67
00:03:19,009 --> 00:03:20,189
You said you weren't
coming last year
68
00:03:20,210 --> 00:03:22,070
and you ended up winning
the sack race.
69
00:03:22,090 --> 00:03:26,080
Yeah, well, you know, I'd do
anything to win the sack race.
70
00:03:26,099 --> 00:03:27,119
Well, good night.
71
00:03:27,139 --> 00:03:30,129
And, uh...
72
00:03:30,150 --> 00:03:32,190
Good.
Yeah.
73
00:03:32,210 --> 00:03:34,210
(sighs)
74
00:03:41,189 --> 00:03:43,069
Uh, Darlene,
I'm just on my way out
75
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:45,010
if you'd like me
to drop you off.
76
00:03:45,030 --> 00:03:46,060
Thank you.
77
00:03:46,079 --> 00:03:47,219
Thank you. That would
be great, thank you.
78
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:49,060
Okay.
Where do you live?
79
00:03:49,079 --> 00:03:50,149
Um...
80
00:03:50,170 --> 00:03:53,040
Oh, I have to go by Hank's
restaurant and drop off
81
00:03:53,060 --> 00:03:54,190
his reading glasses.
82
00:03:54,210 --> 00:03:57,170
Okay. Well, we can--
you can-- I can drop you off
around the corner
83
00:03:57,189 --> 00:03:58,199
so he doesn't
see me, okay?
84
00:03:58,219 --> 00:03:59,259
Oh.
85
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,180
You and Hank have
such a cute relationship.
86
00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:03,189
Yeah, I know, but I'll just
drop you off around the corner
87
00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:05,010
so he doesn't see me.
88
00:04:05,030 --> 00:04:07,080
Is that all right?
Yeah. (chuckles)
89
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:13,030
You didn't have to walk
in with me, Larry.
90
00:04:13,050 --> 00:04:14,240
Well, no, I didn't,
but I'm happy to.
Oh...
91
00:04:14,259 --> 00:04:17,009
Hank, look who's here.
my God.
92
00:04:17,029 --> 00:04:19,289
Oh, my God.
All right, don't--
don't make a big deal.
93
00:04:20,009 --> 00:04:22,099
No, it's just that you wouldn't
believe you-- Come on--
All right.
94
00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:24,160
Thank you for coming.
You've come on
the worst night.
95
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,290
The floor isn't rotating.
96
00:04:26,009 --> 00:04:27,099
Oh, you would never know.
97
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,100
No, you would, because, you see,
the tables would be moving.
98
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,270
You see, they're working
on it right now, but the, uh...
99
00:04:32,290 --> 00:04:35,110
Couple of rats got caught
in the mechanisms.
100
00:04:35,129 --> 00:04:36,239
Poor things.
Oh, sorry to hear that.
101
00:04:36,259 --> 00:04:37,269
Yeah.
102
00:04:37,290 --> 00:04:39,050
You're gonna stay
for supper.
103
00:04:39,069 --> 00:04:40,239
Oh, uh, no, do you
have his glasses?
104
00:04:40,259 --> 00:04:41,999
Oh!
We just--
105
00:04:42,019 --> 00:04:44,269
No, you are going to
stay for supper.
106
00:04:44,290 --> 00:04:47,200
I'm telling you, we have flash
frozen salmon and it's on me.
107
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:48,210
Come on.
108
00:04:48,230 --> 00:04:49,220
I-- I can't.
109
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:51,050
Come on.
No.
110
00:04:51,069 --> 00:04:52,119
I just can't.
111
00:04:52,139 --> 00:04:53,229
Please stay.
112
00:04:53,250 --> 00:04:55,100
Okay.
Great.
113
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,020
I'll go change.
114
00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,270
Since I'm here.
115
00:04:59,290 --> 00:05:03,030
I-- I just gotta
ask you a-- a question.
I hope you don't mind.
116
00:05:03,050 --> 00:05:04,160
Uh, how-- how...
117
00:05:04,180 --> 00:05:08,120
Is this the first, uh, time
you've given Darlene a ride?
118
00:05:08,139 --> 00:05:09,999
(floor whirring)
Oh.
119
00:05:11,139 --> 00:05:12,249
How long before
I come back around?
120
00:05:16,009 --> 00:05:17,139
(knocking)
121
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:18,180
Good morning.
122
00:05:18,199 --> 00:05:20,999
Morning.
123
00:05:21,019 --> 00:05:24,189
It's a change of plans
for the weekend, my boy.
124
00:05:24,209 --> 00:05:26,249
The staff retreat will
be held at Calico Ranch
125
00:05:26,269 --> 00:05:28,199
down in glorious
San Diego.
126
00:05:28,220 --> 00:05:32,040
Oh, it doesn't matter,
I'm not going anyway.
127
00:05:32,060 --> 00:05:35,000
Well, if you really mean it this
time, I'll cancel the ranch,
128
00:05:35,019 --> 00:05:37,129
and the rest of us can sit
in a sensory deprivation tank
129
00:05:37,149 --> 00:05:39,149
and see who
takes a shit first.
130
00:05:39,170 --> 00:05:41,270
I, uh, drove Darlene
home last night.
131
00:05:51,009 --> 00:05:51,999
What?
132
00:05:53,259 --> 00:05:55,159
I didn't say anything.
133
00:05:57,220 --> 00:05:59,040
I drove Phil home once.
134
00:05:59,060 --> 00:06:01,010
It meant nothing.
Listen to this.
135
00:06:01,029 --> 00:06:03,139
In her apartment, Darlene
has this huge collection
136
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,090
of primitive dolls
from Mexico,
137
00:06:05,110 --> 00:06:06,230
Africa, they're all over
the place.
138
00:06:06,250 --> 00:06:08,230
You feel like you're sitting in
the gift shop of the UN.
139
00:06:08,250 --> 00:06:10,190
Yeah?
140
00:06:10,209 --> 00:06:13,119
She said she keeps
one of the big doll
in the passenger seat
141
00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:14,189
next to her
when she drives.
142
00:06:14,209 --> 00:06:16,209
So she has someone to talk
to in heavy traffic?
143
00:06:16,230 --> 00:06:20,140
I believe it's so she can
use the diamond lane.
(chuckles)
144
00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:24,040
A thousand bucks says
this means big trouble.
145
00:06:25,250 --> 00:06:27,080
Well, you're on.
146
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:29,020
This is gonna screw up
the office dynamics
147
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,090
way into the next century.
No, it isn't, no, it isn't.
148
00:06:31,110 --> 00:06:32,120
Everything is gonna be fine.
149
00:06:32,139 --> 00:06:34,079
There's not gonna be
any trouble at all.
150
00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:35,170
She believes
in Tantric sex.
151
00:06:35,189 --> 00:06:36,259
Do you believe that?
152
00:06:36,279 --> 00:06:39,049
Let's make it 1,500.
Fine.
153
00:06:39,069 --> 00:06:40,079
What the hell
is Tantric sex?
154
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:41,240
Well, we didn't
do anything.
155
00:06:41,259 --> 00:06:43,999
Yeah?
But she says that it--
156
00:06:44,019 --> 00:06:47,159
Tantric sex
is, uh, when the man
157
00:06:47,180 --> 00:06:49,240
holds back his orgasm
158
00:06:49,259 --> 00:06:52,279
so that, uh...
159
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,100
I guess he can just
keep going forever.
160
00:06:55,120 --> 00:06:57,110
Make it an even 2,000.
161
00:06:57,129 --> 00:06:59,059
I've never been so
turned on my life.
162
00:06:59,079 --> 00:07:00,179
Oh, me neither.
163
00:07:00,199 --> 00:07:03,049
This is the easiest
2,500 I've ever made.
164
00:07:03,069 --> 00:07:05,269
Larry, she probably
let you take her home
165
00:07:05,290 --> 00:07:07,060
because she was
afraid to say no.
166
00:07:07,079 --> 00:07:08,199
You are the boss.
167
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,130
I don't know what
you're so uptight about.
168
00:07:12,149 --> 00:07:15,219
'Cause you made
the same mistake with me.
169
00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,070
I thought we agreed never
to talk about that again.
170
00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:19,139
Yes, we did.
Well, good.
171
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:21,010
Because it
was a mistake.
172
00:07:21,029 --> 00:07:22,169
And now, you're
making another mistake.
173
00:07:22,189 --> 00:07:24,129
So, I guess I should just
go over there and tell Paula
174
00:07:24,149 --> 00:07:25,259
to watch out,
'cause Mr. Sanders
175
00:07:25,279 --> 00:07:27,099
is working his way
through the office.
176
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:32,070
All I did was take her over to
Hank's, then I took her home,
177
00:07:32,090 --> 00:07:34,040
then I drove home.
178
00:07:34,060 --> 00:07:35,150
Then I got up this morning
179
00:07:35,170 --> 00:07:37,090
and I drove here,
and now I'm here
180
00:07:37,110 --> 00:07:38,250
getting shit for
I don't know what.
181
00:07:38,269 --> 00:07:40,089
Are we--
are we up to date?
182
00:07:40,110 --> 00:07:42,160
Can I tell you something?
183
00:07:42,180 --> 00:07:44,170
It ain't dipped in gold.
184
00:07:44,189 --> 00:07:45,229
I beg your pardon.
185
00:07:45,250 --> 00:07:47,080
What's, uh,
186
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:49,130
what's not dipped in gold?
I don't--
I don't know, I don't know.
187
00:07:49,149 --> 00:07:50,269
She says it's
not dipped in gold.
188
00:07:50,290 --> 00:07:53,200
Like I'm supposed to
know what that means.
189
00:07:53,220 --> 00:07:56,210
Um, I wanna
nuke my muffin.
190
00:07:56,230 --> 00:07:58,050
Yeah, I just got another,
maybe, minute.
191
00:07:58,069 --> 00:07:59,289
Why don't you
come back?
192
00:08:01,290 --> 00:08:04,240
Can I ask you
a question?
193
00:08:04,259 --> 00:08:06,249
Can I?
194
00:08:06,269 --> 00:08:08,079
How would
you feel if I--
195
00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:09,260
You're not going to go
and come back, are you?
196
00:08:09,279 --> 00:08:11,999
You're just
going to wait
Well, I just want to ask you,
197
00:08:12,019 --> 00:08:13,189
how would you feel
if I started dating Beverly?
198
00:08:13,209 --> 00:08:15,149
I would say that
is your business.
199
00:08:15,170 --> 00:08:16,240
Mm-hmm.
It is your life.
200
00:08:16,259 --> 00:08:18,229
Right.
201
00:08:18,250 --> 00:08:22,240
Well, I-- I'm not
into interracial dating,
'cause it's just
202
00:08:22,259 --> 00:08:24,189
uh, never works.
203
00:08:24,209 --> 00:08:26,279
I mean, the sex is good, but
then the, uh, in the morning,
204
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:30,060
cultural differences start
to rear their ugly heads.
205
00:08:30,079 --> 00:08:32,169
I believe the cultural
differences would happen
206
00:08:32,190 --> 00:08:33,200
with you and any woman.
207
00:08:33,220 --> 00:08:35,130
Wow.
Yeah.
208
00:08:35,149 --> 00:08:36,179
Excuse me.
209
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:38,220
This will be just another
minute, if you can just wait.
210
00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:39,240
Why don't you go
and come back?
211
00:08:39,259 --> 00:08:42,009
Well, here's what I say
212
00:08:42,029 --> 00:08:45,019
to, uh, people who are
actively pursuing Darlene.
213
00:08:45,039 --> 00:08:46,189
Of course, I would
never say this to you.
214
00:08:46,210 --> 00:08:47,280
Uh-huh.
Back off.
215
00:08:50,039 --> 00:08:52,009
Back off, Jack.
216
00:08:52,029 --> 00:08:53,179
Wow.
217
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,210
How old are you?
218
00:08:54,230 --> 00:08:56,160
I tell people I'm 39.
219
00:08:56,179 --> 00:08:58,059
Well, let me say
something to you.
220
00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,060
Nothing is going on
with me and Darlene,
221
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:01,130
so you have nothing
to worry about.
222
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:02,269
Okay?
Okay.
223
00:09:02,289 --> 00:09:04,009
Good.
Fine.
224
00:09:04,029 --> 00:09:05,149
So, no problem.
Great. Thank you.
225
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:08,030
Aren't you gonna
heat your muffin?
226
00:09:08,049 --> 00:09:10,029
Oh, you'd like
that, wouldn't you?
227
00:09:12,039 --> 00:09:14,129
(elevator dings)
228
00:09:14,149 --> 00:09:15,239
Oh, hi, Darlene.
229
00:09:15,259 --> 00:09:17,059
Hi, Larry.
230
00:09:23,049 --> 00:09:24,289
Thanks again
for the ride last night.
231
00:09:25,009 --> 00:09:26,059
Oh.
232
00:09:27,149 --> 00:09:28,279
You're welcome.
233
00:09:32,169 --> 00:09:35,239
You know, uh, I've learned
the hard way, Darlene,
234
00:09:35,259 --> 00:09:39,229
that, uh, office relationships
are inappropriate and, uh...
235
00:09:39,250 --> 00:09:42,120
Screw him.
Yeah, well, it's not
like it's a dog or anything.
236
00:09:42,139 --> 00:09:43,169
No, it's--
237
00:09:47,159 --> 00:09:49,129
Congratulations, Darlene,
238
00:09:49,149 --> 00:09:51,159
and, uh, good luck.
239
00:09:56,110 --> 00:09:57,190
Next.
240
00:09:57,210 --> 00:10:02,020
(vacuum whirring)
I mean, Larry
is a wonderful guy
241
00:10:02,039 --> 00:10:04,159
and he's kind.
242
00:10:04,179 --> 00:10:06,169
Funny, rich.
243
00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:08,290
My God, he's the boss.
244
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:10,109
I-- I would date him
if I could.
245
00:10:10,129 --> 00:10:11,139
(vacuum shuts off)
246
00:10:11,159 --> 00:10:14,159
Hank, what I do
in the elevator
is my business.
247
00:10:14,179 --> 00:10:16,039
Come on, now.
(vacuum whirring)
248
00:10:16,059 --> 00:10:18,239
Don't--
don't get me wrong.
249
00:10:18,259 --> 00:10:20,279
(vacuum stops)
250
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,050
I'm just--
I'm just--
251
00:10:22,070 --> 00:10:23,220
I'm just looking
out for you.
252
00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:26,219
It's nice of you to
look out for me, Hank.
253
00:10:26,240 --> 00:10:28,140
What does Larry
say about me?
254
00:10:28,159 --> 00:10:29,149
What?
255
00:10:29,169 --> 00:10:32,179
I mean, does he
say anything good?
256
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,080
Because it would be
really nice to hear.
257
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:35,240
Or anything bad.
258
00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:37,259
Does he--
does he say bad things?
259
00:10:37,279 --> 00:10:40,079
He didn't say anything.
260
00:10:40,100 --> 00:10:42,120
(chuckling)
261
00:10:42,139 --> 00:10:46,149
How about the,
uh, time Tipper Gore
complained about my breath?
262
00:10:46,169 --> 00:10:49,229
Because I think Larry was
a little pissed about that.
263
00:10:49,250 --> 00:10:53,190
But my God, I--
I had an infection.
264
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:58,280
Hey.
Excuse me.
265
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,280
What is going on?
Nothing, Phil.
266
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,100
What, did you guys, like,
fuck between the ninth
and tenth floor?
267
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:04,280
Your mouth.
268
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,040
Hey.
269
00:11:07,059 --> 00:11:09,099
I want to know what's going on.
I mean, I know what I saw,
270
00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:11,020
but what's really
going on here, Darlene?
271
00:11:11,039 --> 00:11:12,259
You never said
we had an exclusive.
272
00:11:12,279 --> 00:11:15,009
You never said you were gonna
start dating the boss.
273
00:11:15,029 --> 00:11:17,169
All he did was drive me home
and we kissed once.
274
00:11:18,149 --> 00:11:20,229
And so what if I do start
dating him? So what?
275
00:11:20,250 --> 00:11:23,250
It's fine, it's just that
I didn't know you were gonna
be such an opportunist.
276
00:11:23,269 --> 00:11:25,259
I mean, first me,
then Larry,
277
00:11:25,279 --> 00:11:28,099
next week it'll be Bill Clinton
and who else, Hillary?
278
00:11:30,070 --> 00:11:31,250
Brava.
279
00:11:31,269 --> 00:11:33,209
You are a natural.
280
00:11:33,230 --> 00:11:35,000
(chuckles)
281
00:11:35,019 --> 00:11:38,259
But you know, when you're doing
a sketch, you wanna be bigger.
282
00:11:38,279 --> 00:11:40,159
You want to hit harder.
283
00:11:40,179 --> 00:11:41,219
It's much funnier
that way.
284
00:11:44,049 --> 00:11:45,259
That is funnier.
285
00:11:45,279 --> 00:11:49,049
First of all,
this hat's too loose.
286
00:11:49,070 --> 00:11:51,020
Too loose!
287
00:11:51,039 --> 00:11:53,049
Is there
someone in there?
I don't believe so.
288
00:11:53,070 --> 00:11:54,170
What are you
doing there?
289
00:11:54,190 --> 00:11:56,240
I have been looking
at the Sharper Image
catalog to see
290
00:11:56,259 --> 00:11:58,159
how to spend your money.
291
00:11:58,179 --> 00:12:01,129
Here, for three grand,
is a global satellite locator.
292
00:12:01,149 --> 00:12:03,159
If you're bombed one night,
you can find out where you're--
293
00:12:03,179 --> 00:12:05,109
Where is everybody?
'Cause we gotta rehearse this.
294
00:12:05,129 --> 00:12:07,079
I believe they're still
standing by the elevator,
295
00:12:07,100 --> 00:12:08,290
frozen in shock
and amazement.
296
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:12,100
All right, well, this needs
a lot of punching up.
297
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:13,270
(Cockney accent)
'Ello, Mum, 'ello.
298
00:12:13,289 --> 00:12:15,109
That's funny.
299
00:12:15,129 --> 00:12:16,159
(Cockney accent)
'Ello, 'ello.
300
00:12:16,179 --> 00:12:17,169
It's funny.
That's funny?
301
00:12:17,190 --> 00:12:19,080
Yes.
That's funny
to you?
302
00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:20,230
I need to talk to you.
303
00:12:20,250 --> 00:12:25,010
Hank, we're busy now, we're--
we're punching up.
304
00:12:25,029 --> 00:12:27,219
Hank, if this is
what I think it is,
Hank: Yes?
305
00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:29,290
just please, you know,
306
00:12:30,009 --> 00:12:31,219
what I do in the office
is my business.
307
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,040
Yes, and you're
entitled to that.
308
00:12:33,059 --> 00:12:37,269
What I wanted to talk to you
about was-- was not about this
309
00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:39,009
gentleman and Darlene.
310
00:12:39,029 --> 00:12:41,199
It's about Darlene
and Phil.
311
00:12:41,220 --> 00:12:43,140
They're way--
they're way out of control.
312
00:12:43,159 --> 00:12:45,119
You--
313
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:46,209
Oh, forget I even
mentioned it.
314
00:12:46,230 --> 00:12:48,210
Oh.
315
00:12:48,230 --> 00:12:51,100
What is he saying?
What, Darlene was dating Phil?
316
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,170
It would appear so.
317
00:12:52,190 --> 00:12:55,120
You think these jet skis
are hard to learn? Hey--
318
00:12:55,139 --> 00:12:58,119
How long has Darlene
been dating Phil?
4,500.
319
00:12:58,139 --> 00:13:00,239
"Clinton is in deep
trouble with Whitewater.
320
00:13:00,259 --> 00:13:02,179
"Remember the days when
he was only in trouble
321
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,170
with white women?"
322
00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:11,089
Okay.
323
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:14,050
Okay.
324
00:13:14,070 --> 00:13:19,040
Okay, um, uh, it's an okay joke,
or, uh, okay you wanna do it?
325
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,030
Both.
326
00:13:24,210 --> 00:13:26,000
Okay.
327
00:13:29,179 --> 00:13:31,039
"Researchers have identified
a gene that may
328
00:13:31,059 --> 00:13:33,019
"cause asthma
and hay fever.
329
00:13:33,039 --> 00:13:36,039
Sadly, it turned out
to be Gene Rayburn."
330
00:13:36,059 --> 00:13:37,049
Okay.
331
00:13:37,070 --> 00:13:38,060
Okay?
Okay.
332
00:13:46,220 --> 00:13:48,140
"There was an
embarrassing--"
Hey, Larry.
333
00:13:48,159 --> 00:13:49,169
Hey, Bob.
334
00:13:49,190 --> 00:13:51,000
How you doing, man?
Hey, good to see you.
335
00:13:51,019 --> 00:13:52,009
Good to see you, too.
336
00:13:52,029 --> 00:13:53,029
Hey, man.
Hey.
337
00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:54,259
I'm Bob.
I play Danny on the
hit show "Full House."
338
00:13:54,279 --> 00:13:56,009
Right. I'm Phil.
339
00:13:56,029 --> 00:13:58,049
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
340
00:13:58,070 --> 00:14:00,190
Uh, well, how you doing, Bob?
How's, uh, Sherri?
341
00:14:00,210 --> 00:14:01,260
Sherri's great.
342
00:14:01,279 --> 00:14:02,289
Good.
Thanks, kids are good.
343
00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:04,289
Good.
How about you?
344
00:14:05,009 --> 00:14:06,239
Are you seeing anybody new?
345
00:14:06,259 --> 00:14:08,079
Yeah.
346
00:14:13,259 --> 00:14:14,999
(clears throat)
347
00:14:17,169 --> 00:14:18,169
Uh...
348
00:14:20,029 --> 00:14:23,089
Why don't-- why don't we
go double check the cards, Sid?
349
00:14:29,230 --> 00:14:30,260
It's him, isn't it?
350
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:37,010
There's somebody in the office
that I like and I don't know
351
00:14:37,029 --> 00:14:39,229
what to do about it
and she's--
No, no, no, no, no.
352
00:14:39,250 --> 00:14:42,100
Office romance.
That's-- that's a bad idea.
353
00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:43,270
It's bad news, doesn't work.
Yeah.
354
00:14:43,289 --> 00:14:45,139
I've been
in that situation.
355
00:14:45,159 --> 00:14:47,009
With the Olsen twins?
356
00:14:47,029 --> 00:14:48,109
Man:
Five, four, three, two...
357
00:14:48,129 --> 00:14:49,139
♪ ♪
358
00:14:49,159 --> 00:14:51,079
It is him, isn't it?
It's him.
359
00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:52,130
(change jingling)
360
00:14:52,149 --> 00:14:55,099
You want diet?
Yes.
361
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,270
Why do you want to
have dinner with me?
362
00:14:57,289 --> 00:14:59,179
I want to get to
know the real Paula.
363
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:00,230
Why?
364
00:15:02,039 --> 00:15:03,069
I like your new hair.
365
00:15:03,090 --> 00:15:06,090
I thought you said it made
me look like Pat Benatar's
366
00:15:06,110 --> 00:15:07,160
shorter, fatter sister.
367
00:15:07,179 --> 00:15:08,219
No, I said cuter.
368
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:10,020
I said-- I said cuter.
369
00:15:10,039 --> 00:15:11,249
Mm, well, that's very,
very flattering, you know,
370
00:15:11,269 --> 00:15:14,189
'cause cuteness has always been
a top priority with me.
371
00:15:14,210 --> 00:15:16,060
Ah, touché.
372
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:18,150
See, we have a natural
banter going already.
373
00:15:18,169 --> 00:15:20,099
It's gonna be fun.
Okay.
374
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,040
What the hell?
It's just dinner.
375
00:15:24,110 --> 00:15:26,010
Actually...
376
00:15:26,029 --> 00:15:27,069
Never mind.
377
00:15:27,090 --> 00:15:28,150
What?
378
00:15:28,169 --> 00:15:32,009
I-- I was gonna ask
you out eventually.
379
00:15:32,029 --> 00:15:33,159
Really?
380
00:15:35,110 --> 00:15:37,080
I have to go
get the phone.
381
00:15:39,129 --> 00:15:40,149
Didn't you know
that Phil and I
382
00:15:40,169 --> 00:15:42,079
have been going out
for a month?
383
00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:43,180
No.
384
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:45,290
Remember that guy
I told you I was seeing
who I thought could
385
00:15:46,009 --> 00:15:47,249
speak French,
and then I found out
386
00:15:47,269 --> 00:15:48,289
it was just
all made-up words?
387
00:15:49,009 --> 00:15:50,039
That was Phil?
388
00:15:50,059 --> 00:15:52,079
I'm sorry.
I thought you knew.
389
00:15:54,269 --> 00:15:57,169
So, he just asked me out
to piss you off.
390
00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:59,140
Paula, if I had known.
I'm sorry.
391
00:16:00,230 --> 00:16:01,270
I have to go
get the phone.
392
00:16:04,110 --> 00:16:06,020
I remember that show.
'Cause we knew
it was gonna die,
393
00:16:06,039 --> 00:16:08,089
so they put that
in the very beginning of it.
That was smart.
394
00:16:08,110 --> 00:16:11,040
The show, not to be on long,
with Bob, and it was actually
395
00:16:11,059 --> 00:16:13,119
not a bad show, but this exec
at CBS I don't think liked me
396
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:16,089
'cause my contention was that
he took all of his advice
397
00:16:16,110 --> 00:16:18,000
from his toupee.
398
00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:19,089
From his toupee.
Yeah.
399
00:16:19,110 --> 00:16:21,170
It was like, he would go,
"Should we keep Saget?"
400
00:16:21,190 --> 00:16:23,010
And he'd go like that.
401
00:16:23,029 --> 00:16:25,219
Be like, "Should we get rid of
'Cagney and Lacey'?"
Be like that.
402
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:27,130
You know, and then I think
he'd just go home with it
403
00:16:27,149 --> 00:16:28,179
and he'd be, like,
sitting across,
404
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,170
"Want some more wine?"
It was like Thing, you know?
405
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,130
Wow.
Then he'd go home and
he would jump on his lap
406
00:16:32,149 --> 00:16:34,169
and he was happy.
407
00:16:34,190 --> 00:16:35,280
You don't break up
with someone
408
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,110
and ask someone new out
the same day.
409
00:16:37,129 --> 00:16:40,029
You were the one who broke up
with me. Now I'm doubly screwed
410
00:16:40,049 --> 00:16:41,279
because I went a whole month
without having an orgasm.
411
00:16:42,009 --> 00:16:43,129
Well, guess what?
So did I.
412
00:16:43,149 --> 00:16:44,239
Well, that's
the point, right?
413
00:16:44,259 --> 00:16:46,009
Hey.
414
00:16:46,029 --> 00:16:47,039
Sorry.
415
00:16:47,059 --> 00:16:48,059
I know you want to hurt me,
416
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:49,130
but by dating one
of my best friends
417
00:16:49,149 --> 00:16:50,149
is really low.
418
00:16:50,169 --> 00:16:52,199
You and Paula are
not best friends.
You're girls.
419
00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:53,230
Go fry an egg.
420
00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:56,020
Ouch.
421
00:16:56,039 --> 00:16:58,139
This relationship
can't go any further.
422
00:16:58,159 --> 00:16:59,219
I know. I agree.
423
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,220
It is making everything
424
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:03,260
really confusing and, uh...
425
00:17:04,289 --> 00:17:06,059
I mean, there's
another solution.
426
00:17:06,079 --> 00:17:08,069
One of us could quit.
(both chuckle)
427
00:17:08,089 --> 00:17:09,179
I could never leave Hank.
428
00:17:11,150 --> 00:17:13,110
Yeah, right.
429
00:17:20,109 --> 00:17:21,269
Uh...
430
00:17:21,289 --> 00:17:23,099
Artie's looking for you.
431
00:17:27,099 --> 00:17:28,159
Congratulations again, Darlene.
432
00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:30,130
Thank you.
Gee, that's great.
433
00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:34,009
Next.
434
00:17:34,029 --> 00:17:35,189
(clears throat)
435
00:17:35,210 --> 00:17:37,130
Ay...
436
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,040
(coins clanking)
437
00:17:45,059 --> 00:17:46,139
I waited as long
as I could,
438
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:48,200
but I really need a Coke.
439
00:17:52,140 --> 00:17:53,270
(bang)
440
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,020
Beverly.
441
00:18:26,269 --> 00:18:27,259
Beverly.
442
00:18:27,279 --> 00:18:29,129
Did-- did you see Beverly?
No.
443
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:31,030
Well, I don't have the key
to my office.
444
00:18:31,049 --> 00:18:32,999
Does any-- Do--
Where is she?
445
00:18:33,019 --> 00:18:34,289
I don't know. She ran in
and said twice in one day
446
00:18:35,009 --> 00:18:36,229
is two times too many
and ran out.
447
00:18:36,250 --> 00:18:38,130
Well, where's Arthur?
I don't know.
448
00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:40,130
Well, would-- would--
449
00:18:40,150 --> 00:18:41,160
What?
450
00:18:41,180 --> 00:18:43,040
Here's the, uh, celebrity
dog walker sketch
451
00:18:43,059 --> 00:18:44,279
that you wanted.
Okay, good.
452
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:46,090
Thank you.
453
00:18:46,109 --> 00:18:47,099
You're welcome.
454
00:18:47,119 --> 00:18:48,169
Paula:
Hey, Phil?
455
00:18:52,069 --> 00:18:54,129
Look at this fancy
keychain I just got.
456
00:18:54,150 --> 00:18:57,150
It's got a flashlight,
compass, stopwatch.
457
00:18:57,170 --> 00:19:00,070
I can do anything with this
but fuck myself.
458
00:19:07,250 --> 00:19:09,150
I gotta go get the phone.
459
00:19:16,009 --> 00:19:17,159
(elevator dings)
460
00:19:20,009 --> 00:19:22,189
Oh, Larry. I-- I can take
the stairs if you don't want
461
00:19:22,210 --> 00:19:24,040
people to see us
leaving together.
462
00:19:24,059 --> 00:19:26,229
Oh, no, no, no, no,
that's fine.
Okay.
463
00:19:29,089 --> 00:19:30,249
Well.
464
00:19:33,220 --> 00:19:37,180
Which one of these do you--
do you-- do you like the most?
Oh.
465
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,020
This one.
Yeah, me too.
466
00:19:39,039 --> 00:19:40,149
Yeah, me too.
467
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:45,020
Darlene, we can't,
uh, let things go on
468
00:19:45,039 --> 00:19:47,209
because it is really
getting messy out there.
Mm-hmm.
469
00:19:47,230 --> 00:19:49,150
I'm serious.
She's not my type.
470
00:19:49,170 --> 00:19:50,240
Really?
What don't you like?
471
00:19:50,259 --> 00:19:53,219
The blonde hair,
big breasts?
472
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:55,180
She, you know,
she's not a thinker.
473
00:19:57,059 --> 00:19:58,209
(sobbing)
474
00:19:58,230 --> 00:20:01,040
Again, I'm sorry
to hear that, Darlene.
475
00:20:02,230 --> 00:20:04,190
Who's next?
476
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,040
Morning, Paula.
Good morning.
477
00:20:10,059 --> 00:20:12,059
You know, you should have
kept Jerry and fired Phil
478
00:20:12,079 --> 00:20:14,009
for being a lying prick.
479
00:20:14,029 --> 00:20:16,089
Larry, I just want to say
that Paula has threatened me
480
00:20:16,109 --> 00:20:17,199
with physical violence
481
00:20:17,220 --> 00:20:19,080
and if something
is to happen to me here,
482
00:20:19,099 --> 00:20:21,999
I-- I will sue the show.
I want you to know that.
483
00:20:24,019 --> 00:20:26,059
Uh, you know, I'm gonna
fire one of these idiots.
484
00:20:26,079 --> 00:20:27,179
Which one?
485
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,040
You know, you're right.
486
00:20:29,059 --> 00:20:31,119
Both of them.
Both of those idiots.
487
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,240
(sobbing)
488
00:20:34,259 --> 00:20:36,009
Maybe three?
489
00:20:36,029 --> 00:20:38,219
Yeah, maybe four. I quit.
(chuckles)
490
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:41,110
Do you want your money
in cash or a check?
491
00:20:41,130 --> 00:20:43,270
Well, you'll be getting the bill
from the Browning dealer
492
00:20:43,289 --> 00:20:45,119
for this sweetheart.
493
00:20:45,140 --> 00:20:47,180
Hey, look at this.
494
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:50,000
Ah, what a beauty.
Engraving by Angelo Bee.
495
00:20:50,019 --> 00:20:52,109
Five grand.
496
00:20:52,130 --> 00:20:54,140
I'll pay the extra grand.
497
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:55,240
What do you think?
498
00:20:57,269 --> 00:20:59,209
Load it.
499
00:20:59,230 --> 00:21:02,200
Okay, come on!
Let's go, people,
five minutes!
500
00:21:02,220 --> 00:21:04,150
Bus is waiting.
501
00:21:04,170 --> 00:21:08,100
Sixth annual "Larry Sanders"
annual retreat.
502
00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:12,119
Fun and sun!
In the sun.
503
00:21:12,140 --> 00:21:14,130
Come on, let's go,
let's go, let's go.
504
00:21:14,150 --> 00:21:15,280
Come on.
505
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,270
Grab a bus buddy.
506
00:21:17,289 --> 00:21:19,239
Here's... Larry.
507
00:21:23,059 --> 00:21:25,049
This is gonna be
one fun weekend.
508
00:21:25,069 --> 00:21:26,189
I must say, they brought
it on themselves.
509
00:21:26,210 --> 00:21:28,200
Yes, they did.
Serves them all right.
510
00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:31,110
Yes, they're done.
Oh, uh, Artie,
511
00:21:31,130 --> 00:21:34,170
I got us adjoining cabins.
512
00:21:34,190 --> 00:21:36,110
Oh, I thought we agreed
that our evening of bliss
513
00:21:36,130 --> 00:21:38,290
was an event
best not repeated.
514
00:21:39,009 --> 00:21:41,149
Well, you picked a fine
time to tell me this.
515
00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:47,180
And it was three evenings.
516
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,250
I want my money back.
517
00:21:53,269 --> 00:21:56,269
(end music playing)
36703
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