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1
00:00:10,029 --> 00:00:11,069
Now listen up, boys and girls.
2
00:00:11,089 --> 00:00:13,179
I'm gonna say this
one time only.
3
00:00:13,199 --> 00:00:16,089
The next time one of you shows
up wearing black sneakers
4
00:00:16,109 --> 00:00:18,059
instead of black dress shoes,
you'll need 'em
5
00:00:18,079 --> 00:00:19,999
because I'll chase
your delicate little butt
6
00:00:20,019 --> 00:00:21,219
right out into the street.
7
00:00:21,239 --> 00:00:23,229
If you're serious about
a career in television,
8
00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:27,100
I suggest you start
caring about proper foot dress.
9
00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:28,150
Okay?
Got it?
10
00:00:28,170 --> 00:00:30,040
Dig it?
Dismissed.
11
00:00:30,059 --> 00:00:32,069
Paula:
Arthur!
Bleacher.
12
00:00:32,090 --> 00:00:34,040
Arthur!
Bleacher!
13
00:00:34,060 --> 00:00:37,020
Oh my God, oh my God, Arthur,
we are in such deep shit.
14
00:00:37,039 --> 00:00:38,129
All right, what is it?
15
00:00:38,149 --> 00:00:40,249
Who dropped out, George Wendt
or Angela Lansbury?
Neither.
16
00:00:40,270 --> 00:00:42,270
Beverly was driving Larry back
from the frozen yogurt place
17
00:00:42,289 --> 00:00:44,139
and he became
violently ill.
18
00:00:44,159 --> 00:00:45,279
Oh, God, why does Larry
have to go into
19
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:47,070
the yogurt place in person?
20
00:00:47,090 --> 00:00:48,250
Because he thinks
if you can see the colors,
21
00:00:48,270 --> 00:00:49,290
it's easier to pick the flavor.
22
00:00:50,009 --> 00:00:51,209
He threw up all over
the front seat of Beverly's car
23
00:00:51,229 --> 00:00:53,189
and then he threw up all over
Ventura Boulevard.
24
00:00:53,210 --> 00:00:55,120
Sherman Oaks?
Studio City.
25
00:00:55,140 --> 00:00:57,080
Any witnesses?
No, she didn't think so.
26
00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:59,070
Oh, thank God,
because I've seen Larry vomit.
27
00:00:59,090 --> 00:01:00,150
It's not something
you want to watch
28
00:01:00,170 --> 00:01:02,140
over and over again
on "Hard Copy."
29
00:01:03,140 --> 00:01:04,180
Damn it to hell!
30
00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:06,090
What's going on?
I'll tell you later.
31
00:01:06,109 --> 00:01:07,289
Where's Larry now?
Beverly took him home.
32
00:01:08,010 --> 00:01:09,170
We are one hour
away from showtime.
33
00:01:09,189 --> 00:01:11,149
What do we do, have the pages
send the audience home?
34
00:01:11,170 --> 00:01:13,190
We are not cancelling
this show, goddammit!
35
00:01:13,210 --> 00:01:15,020
Angela's a personal friend
of mine
36
00:01:15,039 --> 00:01:17,049
and George Wendt
is starring on a TV movie
37
00:01:17,069 --> 00:01:18,089
for the network tomorrow night.
38
00:01:18,109 --> 00:01:19,179
They need us
to help promote it,
39
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:20,240
so there's no way
we can cancel.
40
00:01:20,260 --> 00:01:22,200
All right, 45 minutes
to find a guest host.
41
00:01:22,219 --> 00:01:24,019
Great, do I call the list
of regulars?
42
00:01:24,039 --> 00:01:26,049
Call in this order:
Jerry Seinfeld,
43
00:01:26,069 --> 00:01:29,069
Richard Lewis, Bob Saget,
John Ritter,
44
00:01:29,090 --> 00:01:30,160
Howie Mandel, Louie Anderson.
45
00:01:30,180 --> 00:01:31,200
Howie Mandel?
46
00:01:31,219 --> 00:01:32,269
You're right.
47
00:01:32,289 --> 00:01:35,049
Flop Howie and Louie,
bump Saget from third to fourth,
48
00:01:35,069 --> 00:01:36,179
and make sure
that Seinfeld knows
49
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:37,190
that he's our first choice.
50
00:01:37,210 --> 00:01:39,220
When he says no, make sure that
Richard Lewis thinks
51
00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:42,010
that he's our first choice,
and so on down the list.
52
00:01:42,030 --> 00:01:43,170
Oh, your mind amazes me!
53
00:01:43,189 --> 00:01:45,119
I'm just now
comfortable with it myself.
54
00:01:45,140 --> 00:01:46,140
Okay, Phil!
55
00:01:47,250 --> 00:01:49,260
Make sure Sid has the monologues
on the cards early.
56
00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:52,120
We want it ready for whoever
we get, whenever they get here.
57
00:01:52,140 --> 00:01:54,280
Right.
What's going on, Paula?!
58
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:56,220
Seinfeld and Ritter
are out of town,
59
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:58,130
Saget and Louie have conflicts,
60
00:01:58,150 --> 00:02:00,270
Richard Lewis might be able
to move something around.
61
00:02:00,290 --> 00:02:02,100
His agent's calling me
right back.
62
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:03,160
Howie Mandel?
63
00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:05,060
Paula:
Migraine.
He can barely stand.
64
00:02:05,079 --> 00:02:06,239
Have you called him?
No.
65
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:09,070
Ah, Larry!
66
00:02:09,090 --> 00:02:11,010
It's Artie, don't bother
to pick up, pal.
67
00:02:11,030 --> 00:02:12,140
I know you're feeling like shit.
68
00:02:12,159 --> 00:02:15,159
I, uh, just want you to know
everything's going fine.
69
00:02:15,180 --> 00:02:17,120
I'm sitting here
with our friend Phil.
70
00:02:17,139 --> 00:02:18,269
We don't even miss you, Larry.
71
00:02:18,289 --> 00:02:20,279
Ah, listen,
we love ya, pal.
72
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:21,290
We miss you.
73
00:02:22,009 --> 00:02:23,109
You're in our thoughts
and prayers.
74
00:02:23,129 --> 00:02:25,999
Paula, goddammit,
get me a name!
75
00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:27,290
80% unemployment
in the acting ranks,
76
00:02:28,009 --> 00:02:29,059
you can't find me one name?
77
00:02:29,079 --> 00:02:30,079
Okay, here's the deal.
78
00:02:30,099 --> 00:02:31,219
Richard Lewis
is not available today
79
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:33,010
but he is tomorrow
if we need him.
80
00:02:33,030 --> 00:02:34,110
Great.
Howie Mandel?
81
00:02:34,129 --> 00:02:36,079
He is out of town.
82
00:02:36,099 --> 00:02:37,089
Did you call him?
83
00:02:37,110 --> 00:02:38,160
I just got the message.
84
00:02:38,180 --> 00:02:40,060
Oh, bullshit.
Oh, come on, man.
85
00:02:40,079 --> 00:02:41,179
It's 35 minutes to showtime.
86
00:02:41,199 --> 00:02:42,999
I don't mean to be
a pain in the ass.
87
00:02:43,020 --> 00:02:44,160
Are you sure that
there's no one available?
88
00:02:44,180 --> 00:02:45,230
I'm sure.
No one?
89
00:02:45,250 --> 00:02:48,000
Well, there's some chimps
at "Live at Five"
90
00:02:48,020 --> 00:02:49,010
who might be available.
91
00:02:49,030 --> 00:02:50,000
I don't think so.
92
00:02:50,020 --> 00:02:53,080
We'll have to settle
for the next best thing.
93
00:02:53,099 --> 00:02:55,179
Paula, are you aware I'm about
to open the lid of a box
94
00:02:55,199 --> 00:02:58,069
far nastier than Pandora's?
95
00:02:58,090 --> 00:03:00,090
Aw, damn.
96
00:03:00,110 --> 00:03:01,130
Uh, napkin.
97
00:03:06,250 --> 00:03:08,200
Hank, we have a problem.
98
00:03:08,219 --> 00:03:12,059
I'm not supposed to eat
in my show clothes, I know.
99
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:15,040
It's just... I get hungry.
100
00:03:15,060 --> 00:03:17,080
Hank, Larry's very,
very ill.
101
00:03:17,099 --> 00:03:18,289
We need you
to host the show tonight.
102
00:03:20,180 --> 00:03:22,200
No.
Yes.
103
00:03:22,219 --> 00:03:24,249
No.
Oh, yes!
104
00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:26,070
Oh, this is amazing!
105
00:03:26,090 --> 00:03:28,210
My psychic told me
a man in my life
106
00:03:28,229 --> 00:03:31,039
was going to be given
a great opportunity.
107
00:03:31,060 --> 00:03:33,170
I thought she meant
my father was gonna get a job,
108
00:03:33,189 --> 00:03:35,269
but-- but this--
this is good too!
109
00:03:35,289 --> 00:03:37,009
Yes, it is.
110
00:03:37,030 --> 00:03:39,120
Hank, we've got mucho to do
in 35 minutes.
111
00:03:39,139 --> 00:03:41,029
Now, shall we?
112
00:03:41,050 --> 00:03:42,100
Arthur?
Yes?
113
00:03:43,180 --> 00:03:45,170
Can't move my legs.
114
00:03:45,189 --> 00:03:47,129
Look, hey,
how's the legs now?
115
00:03:47,150 --> 00:03:49,140
Uh... I'm--
I'm a little shaky, but--
116
00:03:49,159 --> 00:03:50,239
God!
117
00:03:50,259 --> 00:03:52,279
I've been waiting for this
moment my whole life.
118
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,020
I'm-- I'm not gonna
let you down.
119
00:03:54,039 --> 00:03:55,099
I can do this, I know it.
All right.
120
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,170
Yes, you can, Hank.
121
00:03:56,189 --> 00:03:58,109
I'm doing some
creative visualization
122
00:03:58,129 --> 00:04:00,999
and I'm seeing the audience
screaming with laughter.
123
00:04:01,020 --> 00:04:02,190
I'm seeing
the same thing, Darlene.
124
00:04:02,210 --> 00:04:04,110
Thank you for explaining
the screaming.
125
00:04:04,129 --> 00:04:06,259
Uh, Darlene, call my agent,
call my manager, uh--
126
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:07,270
Oh, I should call
your wife!
127
00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:09,129
Wife, yes, of course!
128
00:04:09,150 --> 00:04:11,150
Uh, and, uh,
I want to eat some fruit.
129
00:04:11,169 --> 00:04:12,219
I-- I don't know why.
A Pineapple.
130
00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:13,280
Oh, I should call
my mom.
131
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,210
She's gonna be so excited.
She has a thing for Hank.
132
00:04:15,229 --> 00:04:17,169
Oh, don't we all.
Oh, uh, Artie.
133
00:04:17,189 --> 00:04:20,249
My pal, Shadoe Stevens,
he's two blocks away.
134
00:04:20,269 --> 00:04:23,169
Why don't we call him, have him
do the warm-up and the intro?
135
00:04:23,189 --> 00:04:25,029
Shadoe is two blocks away.
136
00:04:25,050 --> 00:04:26,040
Did I
say that already?
137
00:04:26,060 --> 00:04:27,080
Whatever you want, Hank.
138
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,190
Okay.
139
00:04:30,079 --> 00:04:31,269
Artie!
Yo!
140
00:04:31,290 --> 00:04:33,000
I want to thank you.
141
00:04:33,019 --> 00:04:34,089
I mean, I want to thank you
for this.
142
00:04:34,110 --> 00:04:35,160
It's just
such a wonderful,
143
00:04:35,180 --> 00:04:37,200
tremendous vote of confidence.
144
00:04:37,220 --> 00:04:38,270
I-- I wanna thank you.
145
00:04:38,290 --> 00:04:40,150
Hank, believe me,
I had no choice.
146
00:04:40,170 --> 00:04:41,250
I know.
147
00:04:41,269 --> 00:04:42,279
Thank you.
148
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,250
Ha.
149
00:04:44,269 --> 00:04:48,159
Um, where's--
where's my pineapple?
150
00:04:48,180 --> 00:04:50,040
Okay, Hank, you wanna try
this first one?
151
00:04:50,060 --> 00:04:51,140
Uh, could you--
152
00:04:51,159 --> 00:04:53,139
Elizabeth, can you give us
a couple minutes?
All right.
153
00:04:53,159 --> 00:04:55,009
Thank you.
154
00:04:55,029 --> 00:04:57,069
Ask 'em if my...
155
00:04:57,090 --> 00:04:59,020
Okay, um, you come out.
156
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,030
Applause, applause.
Hopefully.
157
00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:02,230
And, uh, then you say this.
158
00:05:02,250 --> 00:05:04,180
I say...
159
00:05:04,199 --> 00:05:06,239
A little higher.
I say, "Thank you, all.
160
00:05:06,259 --> 00:05:09,119
"Before we go on, I wanna send
a special message to my boss,
161
00:05:09,139 --> 00:05:10,179
"my friend, Mr. Larry Sanders.
162
00:05:10,199 --> 00:05:11,189
"Get well soon, buddy.
163
00:05:11,209 --> 00:05:14,039
Things aren't the same
without..."
164
00:05:14,060 --> 00:05:16,000
My God, Larry's sick?
165
00:05:16,019 --> 00:05:17,159
Yeah, food poisoning.
166
00:05:17,180 --> 00:05:18,160
Didn't anybody
tell you?
167
00:05:18,180 --> 00:05:20,180
No.
Yeah...
168
00:05:20,199 --> 00:05:22,149
Oh, no--
well, no, I--
169
00:05:22,170 --> 00:05:23,290
Oh, I guess--
I guess Artie did,
170
00:05:24,009 --> 00:05:25,139
but, you know, I--
I was so nervous,
171
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,220
and the shock
and the excitement.
172
00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:28,200
Uh, uh... Food poisoning.
173
00:05:28,220 --> 00:05:31,150
Yeah, yeah.
Eh, eh, eh.
Oh, man.
174
00:05:31,170 --> 00:05:33,200
Uh, how many days
does that last?
175
00:05:33,220 --> 00:05:35,150
I have no idea.
176
00:05:35,170 --> 00:05:37,080
Uh, but we should really
try to get through these--
177
00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:38,090
Yeah, we should, okay.
178
00:05:38,110 --> 00:05:39,170
So you say that--
I say that.
179
00:05:39,189 --> 00:05:41,149
And there's more applause.
And then you continue.
180
00:05:41,170 --> 00:05:43,050
And then I continue.
181
00:05:43,069 --> 00:05:45,079
Okay.
Higher.
182
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:46,220
"Even though Larry
couldn't be here tonight,
183
00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:48,010
"I know he's comfortable.
184
00:05:48,029 --> 00:05:50,199
I have an American car--
the trunk is quite spacious."
185
00:05:50,220 --> 00:05:53,090
Flip it.
No, that-- that--
that's it, Hank.
186
00:05:53,110 --> 00:05:54,170
What?
187
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:56,239
That-- that's the joke.
188
00:05:56,259 --> 00:05:58,129
Uh, "The trunk
is quite spacious."
189
00:05:58,149 --> 00:05:59,219
Mm-hmm.
190
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:01,020
Uh...
191
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:03,160
I'm talking about--
I'm talking about Larry--
192
00:06:03,180 --> 00:06:06,190
Yeah.
Then, you know,
talking about my car.
193
00:06:06,209 --> 00:06:07,259
See, there's...
194
00:06:07,279 --> 00:06:09,109
there's a logic.
195
00:06:09,129 --> 00:06:11,229
Well, th--
See, that's the joke.
196
00:06:11,250 --> 00:06:13,060
The idea is that you've
kidnapped Larry
197
00:06:13,079 --> 00:06:14,089
and you've put him
in the trunk--
198
00:06:14,110 --> 00:06:16,040
The trunk of my car!
199
00:06:16,060 --> 00:06:17,060
I'm-- Eesh!
200
00:06:17,079 --> 00:06:18,219
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.
201
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,240
Uh, okay, uh...
202
00:06:20,259 --> 00:06:21,249
(grumbling)
Try it again.
203
00:06:21,269 --> 00:06:23,229
Okay, takeover,
takeover, takeover.
204
00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:26,010
Um, I'm sorry, okay.
205
00:06:26,029 --> 00:06:28,089
"Even though Larry
couldn't be here tonight,
206
00:06:28,110 --> 00:06:29,210
"I know he's comfortable.
207
00:06:29,230 --> 00:06:31,100
I have an American car,"
208
00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:33,150
and I put him in the trunk
and I kidnapped him.
209
00:06:33,170 --> 00:06:35,170
(laughing)
210
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:42,160
Does that help?
211
00:06:42,180 --> 00:06:44,000
Does it hurt?
212
00:06:44,019 --> 00:06:45,109
Don't worry about a thing, pal.
213
00:06:45,129 --> 00:06:46,139
Everything's under control.
214
00:06:46,159 --> 00:06:47,289
You just rest up.
215
00:06:48,009 --> 00:06:49,189
You're gonna watch the show
on the satellite feed?
216
00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:51,169
Larry on the phone:
Yeah, who'd you get to host?
217
00:06:51,189 --> 00:06:53,289
How far down the list
do I have to go?
218
00:06:54,009 --> 00:06:56,199
(chuckling)
Actually, we're off the list.
Hank.
219
00:06:56,220 --> 00:06:59,030
(groaning)
220
00:06:59,050 --> 00:07:00,290
Artie on the phone:
Larry?
221
00:07:01,009 --> 00:07:02,169
(Larry retching)
222
00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:03,179
Larry?
223
00:07:03,199 --> 00:07:05,029
Artie, it-- it's Beverly.
224
00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:06,180
Uh, Larry's vomiting again.
225
00:07:06,199 --> 00:07:07,219
Can we get back to you?
226
00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:11,030
Oh, certainly.
(retching continues)
227
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:15,040
Mr. Wendt!
228
00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:16,050
Hi.
Hi.
229
00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:17,169
I'm, uh, Phil,
the best writer.
230
00:07:17,189 --> 00:07:18,259
Hi.
Thanks for doing the show.
231
00:07:18,279 --> 00:07:20,169
Yeah, no problem.
Uh, there's been
a little change.
232
00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:23,159
Yeah?
Yeah. Uh, Larry's sick
and so we have to have somebody
233
00:07:23,180 --> 00:07:25,090
filling in for him tonight.
Oh, no.
234
00:07:25,110 --> 00:07:26,160
Yeah.
He's okay, though?
235
00:07:26,180 --> 00:07:27,230
Oh, he'll be fine.
Yeah.
236
00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:29,100
Yeah.
Who's gonna host?
237
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:30,240
Uh, Hank.
238
00:07:30,259 --> 00:07:32,009
Hank?
Yeah.
239
00:07:32,029 --> 00:07:33,209
(chuckling)
Well, that's cool.
240
00:07:33,230 --> 00:07:34,250
Oh, my God.
That's cool.
241
00:07:34,269 --> 00:07:36,069
Oh, my God.
Well, um...
242
00:07:36,090 --> 00:07:38,030
Oh, my God.
243
00:07:38,050 --> 00:07:39,230
I-- I should give you
the opportunity now
244
00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,120
that if you wanna say anything--
245
00:07:41,139 --> 00:07:42,199
No, no, no,
I'm fine with Hank.
246
00:07:42,220 --> 00:07:43,260
That's great.
No, really.
247
00:07:43,279 --> 00:07:45,119
You don't have to be nice
about this because--
248
00:07:45,139 --> 00:07:46,999
Do you have
a problem with Hank?
No, no.
249
00:07:47,019 --> 00:07:48,069
Hank's great.
Oh.
250
00:07:48,090 --> 00:07:50,220
Yeah. It's just that,
uh, it's his first show
251
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,060
and he's a little green, so...
Yeah, yeah.
252
00:07:52,079 --> 00:07:53,139
Well, that's all right.
253
00:07:53,159 --> 00:07:55,139
You know, I did Conan's first
show, so you have to remember.
254
00:07:55,159 --> 00:07:57,169
Yes, I do.
And I forgive you.
255
00:07:57,189 --> 00:07:58,249
(chuckling)
256
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:01,229
So...
257
00:08:01,250 --> 00:08:03,010
Shit.
258
00:08:05,170 --> 00:08:09,040
"George Wendt, Angela Lansbury,
259
00:08:09,060 --> 00:08:10,260
and comedian Jeff Cesario."
260
00:08:10,279 --> 00:08:13,289
Good!
"And now, because everybody else
in show business
261
00:08:14,009 --> 00:08:15,239
was out of town or in rehab..."
262
00:08:15,259 --> 00:08:18,029
Yes.
"'Hey Now' He--
263
00:08:18,050 --> 00:08:21,190
'Hey Now' Hank Kingsley!"
264
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,019
Okay, good, good.
265
00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:25,170
No, your instincts
are absolutely right.
266
00:08:25,189 --> 00:08:27,049
Do you mind?
No.
267
00:08:27,069 --> 00:08:30,069
Just my opinion, but, um,
I think you wanna go,
268
00:08:30,089 --> 00:08:31,279
you know, two notes,
269
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,090
but you wanna go up
on the second note.
270
00:08:33,110 --> 00:08:35,140
You see--
King-- Kingsley.
271
00:08:35,159 --> 00:08:36,279
Kingsley!
Kingsley!
272
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:38,150
Don't be afraid of it.
Kind of a clarinet riff.
273
00:08:38,169 --> 00:08:39,249
No, B-flat.
King--
274
00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:40,999
Kingsley!
Kingsley!
275
00:08:41,019 --> 00:08:43,169
Kingsley!
You got me here,
you got it!
276
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:44,220
There it is.
277
00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,020
All right,
five minutes, gentlemen.
278
00:08:46,039 --> 00:08:47,039
Shadoe, how's it going?
279
00:08:47,059 --> 00:08:48,079
Oh, great. Perfect.
280
00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,110
Listen, would you do me a favor
281
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:51,129
and give me
a few moments with, um...
282
00:08:51,149 --> 00:08:53,129
the host with the most.
No problem.
283
00:08:53,149 --> 00:08:54,279
The man is vocal god.
284
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:55,290
Ah, indeed he is.
285
00:08:56,009 --> 00:08:57,029
Love you on
"Dave's World," kiddo.
286
00:08:57,049 --> 00:08:58,039
Oh, thank you.
287
00:08:58,059 --> 00:08:59,209
Thank you, Bernadene.
Thank you.
288
00:09:03,019 --> 00:09:04,149
Okay?
Okay.
289
00:09:04,169 --> 00:09:05,159
I'm fine.
290
00:09:05,179 --> 00:09:07,039
Uh, I'm just trying
to pick out, you know,
291
00:09:07,059 --> 00:09:09,079
just the right tie for the show.
292
00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:10,190
What about this one?
You think that one?
293
00:09:10,210 --> 00:09:12,020
Oh, definitely.
Okay.
294
00:09:12,039 --> 00:09:14,089
That-- that's the one.
You're the boss.
295
00:09:14,110 --> 00:09:16,250
And, uh, you know, I ordered
some, uh, pineapple.
296
00:09:16,269 --> 00:09:18,259
You know, uh, uh...
have you seen my pineapple?
297
00:09:18,279 --> 00:09:21,029
No, I haven't, I--
I haven't seen it
but I'll get right on it.
298
00:09:21,049 --> 00:09:22,199
Okay.
Uh, I've been talking to Larry.
299
00:09:22,220 --> 00:09:24,020
He sends his best.
Great.
300
00:09:24,039 --> 00:09:26,199
And, uh...
my shoes aren't right.
301
00:09:26,220 --> 00:09:28,030
Look at the shoes.
What's wrong with them?
302
00:09:28,049 --> 00:09:29,279
Well, they're just not right,
you know?
303
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,000
And I ordered
some pineapple...
304
00:09:35,019 --> 00:09:36,249
Should I be concerned?
305
00:09:36,269 --> 00:09:37,269
Hmm?
306
00:09:40,090 --> 00:09:42,270
Don't make me do this, okay?
I just can't do this.
307
00:09:42,289 --> 00:09:44,149
I'm not...
308
00:09:44,169 --> 00:09:46,039
I'm not up to this
309
00:09:46,059 --> 00:09:47,049
and don't make me--
310
00:09:47,070 --> 00:09:48,280
Oh, come on.
Paula's out there.
311
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,000
She's waiting to go over
the guest questions with you.
312
00:09:51,019 --> 00:09:53,179
I'll be a few feet away
at the monitor.
313
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,160
We're just so thrilled for you.
314
00:09:55,179 --> 00:09:57,159
We just wanna support you,
buddy.
Okay.
315
00:09:57,179 --> 00:09:58,189
What if I suck?
316
00:09:58,210 --> 00:10:00,200
Never.
No.
317
00:10:00,220 --> 00:10:01,290
Yeah, what if I suck?
318
00:10:02,009 --> 00:10:04,209
I mean, after all this time,
I finally get my chance,
319
00:10:04,230 --> 00:10:06,100
and what if I, uh, suck?
320
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:08,010
You-- you know, I'm serious.
321
00:10:08,029 --> 00:10:09,239
Maybe I shouldn't, uh,
get my chance
322
00:10:09,259 --> 00:10:13,019
and then I don't have to
find out I suck.
323
00:10:13,039 --> 00:10:14,239
Breathe in.
324
00:10:14,259 --> 00:10:16,099
(inhaling)
325
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:17,210
What if I suck?
Let it out.
326
00:10:17,230 --> 00:10:19,010
(exhaling)
327
00:10:19,029 --> 00:10:20,229
What if I suck?
328
00:10:20,250 --> 00:10:22,060
Ready?
329
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,010
No.
Breathe in.
330
00:10:24,029 --> 00:10:25,289
(inhaling)
331
00:10:26,009 --> 00:10:27,019
Let it out.
332
00:10:27,039 --> 00:10:30,039
(exhaling)
333
00:10:30,059 --> 00:10:32,119
Ready?
334
00:10:32,139 --> 00:10:34,049
No.
335
00:10:34,070 --> 00:10:35,090
Here he is!
336
00:10:35,110 --> 00:10:36,170
Crew:
Yay!
337
00:10:38,090 --> 00:10:40,110
Okay, now if you get in trouble,
just go to the cards.
338
00:10:40,129 --> 00:10:41,119
You'll be fine.
339
00:10:41,139 --> 00:10:43,009
All the guests know
it's your first time hosting
340
00:10:43,029 --> 00:10:44,039
and they're cool with it.
Okay.
341
00:10:44,059 --> 00:10:45,129
Uh, but why'd you tell 'em?
342
00:10:45,149 --> 00:10:47,079
Well, they were gonna find out
sooner or later anyway.
343
00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:49,140
Um, just put these
in the desk and, um...
344
00:10:49,159 --> 00:10:51,059
Sure.
345
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:52,100
Thank you.
346
00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:56,010
I have a very good feeling about
all of this, Hank.
347
00:10:56,029 --> 00:10:57,019
What are you drinking?
348
00:10:57,039 --> 00:10:58,999
Red Zinger and gin.
349
00:10:59,019 --> 00:11:00,219
You'll be great.
350
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:02,030
Artie:
30 seconds, Hank.
351
00:11:02,049 --> 00:11:04,059
Shadoe:
Live on tape from Hollywood...
352
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,010
This is your first card.
353
00:11:06,029 --> 00:11:08,199
You got it?
Okay, Sid.
354
00:11:08,220 --> 00:11:10,000
This is your mark.
355
00:11:10,019 --> 00:11:11,039
Shadoe:
George Wendt...
356
00:11:11,059 --> 00:11:12,129
Ready?
Shadoe:
Angela Lansbury...
357
00:11:12,149 --> 00:11:13,289
Mmm.
Listen to me, buddy.
358
00:11:14,009 --> 00:11:17,099
I've been in this business,
man and boy, almost 40 years.
359
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,030
I know things, Hank.
360
00:11:19,049 --> 00:11:20,279
Let me tell you
one of the things I know.
361
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,000
You do not suck!
362
00:11:23,019 --> 00:11:24,159
Shadoe:
"Hey Now"...
363
00:11:24,179 --> 00:11:27,099
That's one of the kindest things
anyone has ever said to me.
Hank Kingsley!
364
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,120
(cheering and applause)
365
00:11:50,259 --> 00:11:52,259
(clears throat)
366
00:11:55,220 --> 00:11:57,140
Thank you.
367
00:11:57,159 --> 00:11:58,159
Wow.
368
00:11:58,179 --> 00:12:00,059
Thank you, thank you.
369
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:03,010
Now, uh, before it goes--
before we goes on,
370
00:12:03,029 --> 00:12:05,259
I want to send a special message
to my boss, my friend,
371
00:12:05,279 --> 00:12:06,999
Mr. Larry Sanders.
372
00:12:07,019 --> 00:12:08,189
Get well soon, buddy.
373
00:12:08,210 --> 00:12:10,240
Things aren't the same
without you.
374
00:12:10,259 --> 00:12:12,259
(audience applauding)
375
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,020
Wow, uh thank you.
376
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:21,259
Even though Larry wouldn't be...
377
00:12:21,279 --> 00:12:24,019
couldn't be here tonight,
I know he's, uh, comfortable.
378
00:12:24,039 --> 00:12:27,019
I have an American car
and the trunk is quite spacious.
379
00:12:27,039 --> 00:12:29,039
(audience laughing)
380
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:31,160
Thank you.
381
00:12:35,220 --> 00:12:37,280
Now, uh, say, did you read
the paper this morning?
382
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:39,250
Uh, tennis star
Jennifer Capriati
383
00:12:39,269 --> 00:12:41,239
is in the, uh, drug rehab.
384
00:12:41,259 --> 00:12:44,029
I mean, is this really
a surprise?
385
00:12:44,049 --> 00:12:45,259
I seem to remember
people all the time saying
386
00:12:45,279 --> 00:12:47,219
she preferred playing on grass.
387
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:49,260
(audience laughing)
388
00:12:52,220 --> 00:12:53,210
How's Hank doing?
389
00:12:53,230 --> 00:12:55,000
He just got
his first big laugh.
390
00:12:55,019 --> 00:12:56,139
Good for Hank.
391
00:12:56,159 --> 00:12:57,149
You don't understand.
392
00:12:57,169 --> 00:12:58,999
This is gonna go
right to his head.
393
00:12:59,019 --> 00:13:01,029
He's gonna be a huge,
huge pain in the ass.
394
00:13:02,029 --> 00:13:04,109
You know Jimmy Woods?
395
00:13:04,129 --> 00:13:05,189
That's nothing.
396
00:13:07,230 --> 00:13:10,130
You know, um, my father,
uh, always, uh,
397
00:13:10,149 --> 00:13:12,269
told me to tell the truth,
398
00:13:12,289 --> 00:13:15,189
so if it isn't obvious, I am...
399
00:13:15,210 --> 00:13:17,090
I'm really terrified.
400
00:13:17,110 --> 00:13:18,260
(audience laughing)
401
00:13:18,279 --> 00:13:21,099
So, you're probably
not going to see a really, uh,
402
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,150
great show tonight.
403
00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:25,009
(audience laughing)
404
00:13:25,029 --> 00:13:27,099
Man in audience:
Go Hey Now!
405
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:29,120
(cheering and applause)
406
00:13:32,070 --> 00:13:34,150
Okay.
(clears throat)
407
00:13:34,169 --> 00:13:38,069
Audience:
Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank,
Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank,
408
00:13:38,090 --> 00:13:41,180
Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank,
Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank...
409
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,200
(cheering and applause)
410
00:13:49,039 --> 00:13:50,239
All right, all right.
411
00:13:50,259 --> 00:13:52,059
All right.
412
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:54,010
Okay, okay.
413
00:13:54,029 --> 00:13:56,129
So... you wanna do this?
414
00:13:56,149 --> 00:13:58,089
Audience:
Yeah!
415
00:13:58,110 --> 00:13:59,130
I mean, you wanna do this?
416
00:13:59,149 --> 00:14:01,009
Audience:
Yeah!
417
00:14:01,029 --> 00:14:03,279
Okay, we've got George Wendt,
Angela Lansbury,
418
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:05,030
Jeff Cesario.
419
00:14:05,049 --> 00:14:08,149
Hey now,
don't go away!
420
00:14:08,169 --> 00:14:10,169
(cheering and applause)
421
00:14:13,110 --> 00:14:14,270
Crewmember:
We're clear.
422
00:14:14,289 --> 00:14:16,289
(cheering continues)
423
00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:22,230
Artie:
Now you go to the chair.
424
00:14:22,250 --> 00:14:23,260
The chair.
425
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,079
The chair.
426
00:14:26,269 --> 00:14:28,009
No, no, your chair.
427
00:14:28,029 --> 00:14:30,169
Give it a go.
428
00:14:30,190 --> 00:14:31,200
No, no.
429
00:14:31,220 --> 00:14:33,160
(audience laughing)
430
00:14:33,179 --> 00:14:34,289
Okay.
You're great.
431
00:14:35,009 --> 00:14:36,049
Okay.
432
00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:39,000
'Cause I love this man.
433
00:14:39,019 --> 00:14:40,069
I love this man.
Hey!
434
00:14:40,090 --> 00:14:43,090
This guy.
435
00:14:43,110 --> 00:14:45,060
(chuckling)
436
00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:46,150
Thank you, thank you.
437
00:14:46,169 --> 00:14:49,069
Uh, well, I think you have
an embarrassing, uh, incident
438
00:14:49,090 --> 00:14:50,250
that happened
somewhere in, uh...
439
00:14:50,269 --> 00:14:52,259
Hank.
Amsterdam?
440
00:14:52,279 --> 00:14:54,209
What are you doing
with those cards?
441
00:14:54,230 --> 00:14:56,210
They told me to read the cards.
442
00:14:56,230 --> 00:14:58,140
Hank, you don't have to
read those things.
443
00:14:58,159 --> 00:14:59,189
Come on, give me those things.
444
00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:00,200
What have you got here?
Uh...
445
00:15:00,220 --> 00:15:02,080
What do you have here?
Come on.
446
00:15:03,289 --> 00:15:05,159
Hank...
447
00:15:05,179 --> 00:15:07,159
cards are a crutch.
(laughing)
448
00:15:07,179 --> 00:15:08,229
They're a crutch.
449
00:15:08,250 --> 00:15:12,060
(laughing continues)
450
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:14,110
There goes--
thank you and good night.
451
00:15:14,129 --> 00:15:15,239
Hank--
We will--
452
00:15:15,259 --> 00:15:17,079
You don't need
the cards.
I need those cards.
453
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:19,160
Larry-- Larry needs the cards.
This man doesn't need 'em.
454
00:15:19,179 --> 00:15:20,229
He's wonderful.
455
00:15:20,250 --> 00:15:23,050
Hank just...
(cheering and applause)
456
00:15:23,070 --> 00:15:25,160
Yay!
Yeah, Hank!
457
00:15:25,179 --> 00:15:26,269
Yeah!
458
00:15:26,289 --> 00:15:28,269
(cheering and applause)
459
00:15:28,289 --> 00:15:31,079
Good job, good job.
You did it, Hank!
460
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:33,180
I have to be honest,
I-- I thought we were gonna
461
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,150
have to warn people
to watch this show
462
00:15:35,169 --> 00:15:38,029
through a pinhole
in a piece of cardboard.
463
00:15:38,049 --> 00:15:41,209
But you made it, buddy.
Oh, man, thank you, thank you.
464
00:15:41,230 --> 00:15:43,140
Thank you, everyone.
465
00:15:43,159 --> 00:15:46,059
Oh, man,
I'm tired.
466
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:48,130
Now I know why Larry
is so fucked up.
467
00:15:48,149 --> 00:15:49,149
(laughing)
468
00:15:49,169 --> 00:15:51,079
Listen, you go home,
you get some sleep.
469
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:52,250
You deserve it.
Darlene, you're gonna drive him?
470
00:15:52,269 --> 00:15:54,019
You bet.
471
00:15:54,039 --> 00:15:56,069
Okay, folks, let's hear it
for Shadoe Stevens!
472
00:15:56,090 --> 00:15:57,170
(cheering and applause)
473
00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:58,250
And the great
Hank Kingsley!
474
00:15:58,269 --> 00:16:01,249
Yeah!
475
00:16:01,269 --> 00:16:04,029
Thank you, thank you.
476
00:16:04,049 --> 00:16:05,289
Thank you,
thank you.
477
00:16:06,009 --> 00:16:08,009
Who are you?
(laughing)
478
00:16:08,029 --> 00:16:11,189
Good morning, ladies!
Good morning, Artie.
479
00:16:11,210 --> 00:16:13,280
What's the news from
the sick bed, Beverly?
480
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,080
Oh, well, Artie,
he's over that food poisoning,
481
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:18,150
but last night, he ran into
the bathroom
482
00:16:18,169 --> 00:16:20,169
and he slipped and fell
and hit his head on the john.
483
00:16:20,190 --> 00:16:22,100
Oh, shit.
No, no, he's okay.
484
00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:25,000
It's a minor concussion
but it's serious enough
485
00:16:25,019 --> 00:16:27,039
to get those painkillers
he's been after.
486
00:16:27,059 --> 00:16:28,289
Yay, he's here, everybody!
487
00:16:29,009 --> 00:16:30,249
Yay!
(cheering and applause)
488
00:16:30,269 --> 00:16:32,189
Thank you,
thank you very much.
489
00:16:32,210 --> 00:16:33,240
Easy, easy.
490
00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:35,139
Messages?
You were great
last night, Hank.
491
00:16:35,159 --> 00:16:36,159
Thank you.
492
00:16:36,179 --> 00:16:38,049
As good as Larry,
maybe even better.
Wow.
493
00:16:38,070 --> 00:16:40,210
Good morning, my boy.
Still flushed with victory?
494
00:16:40,230 --> 00:16:43,270
Yes, I am flushed with victory.
495
00:16:43,289 --> 00:16:45,219
You sound a little surprised
I did so well.
496
00:16:45,240 --> 00:16:47,060
Oh?
497
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:49,240
I'm glad I'm not
playing poker anytime soon.
498
00:16:49,259 --> 00:16:51,039
Beverly:
Hey, Hank?
Yeah?
499
00:16:51,059 --> 00:16:53,089
Both:
You were great!
500
00:16:53,110 --> 00:16:54,140
(both laughing)
501
00:16:54,159 --> 00:16:55,179
Thank you.
You were great.
502
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:56,190
Yeah, thanks.
503
00:16:56,210 --> 00:16:57,200
Yeah, good job last night.
504
00:16:57,220 --> 00:16:59,100
Well, you're very excited.
505
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,020
Can you get me a coffee?
No.
506
00:17:01,039 --> 00:17:03,209
No, I book talent.
I don't get coffee.
Oh, fine.
507
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:06,060
Well, then, uh, could you book
David Copperfield on the show
508
00:17:06,079 --> 00:17:07,999
and when he gets here,
have him pull a cup of coffee
509
00:17:08,019 --> 00:17:09,009
out of his ass?
510
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:10,249
(chuckling)
Decaf?
(chuckling)
511
00:17:11,289 --> 00:17:13,009
Serious.
512
00:17:13,029 --> 00:17:14,999
Hank, telephone.
513
00:17:15,019 --> 00:17:17,079
It's Larry.
Fucking cup of coffee.
514
00:17:17,099 --> 00:17:18,259
Who is it?
I think he wants
to congratulate you.
515
00:17:18,279 --> 00:17:20,039
Larry.
516
00:17:20,059 --> 00:17:22,099
Hey, how you feeling, buddy?
517
00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:23,179
You all right?
518
00:17:24,180 --> 00:17:25,200
Mmm, thank you.
519
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:28,170
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
520
00:17:28,190 --> 00:17:30,070
Uh-huh.
521
00:17:30,089 --> 00:17:32,249
Well, you know, you left me some
mighty big shoes to fill.
522
00:17:32,269 --> 00:17:34,169
(chuckling)
523
00:17:34,190 --> 00:17:36,050
Oh, come on,
come on.
524
00:17:36,069 --> 00:17:37,139
That's very nice of you.
525
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,010
Listen, you get back here
526
00:17:39,029 --> 00:17:41,249
because no one can
do this show quite like you.
527
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:43,049
Okay?
528
00:17:43,069 --> 00:17:44,069
Very good.
529
00:17:46,230 --> 00:17:48,100
Very good.
530
00:17:48,119 --> 00:17:49,139
Yeah, I'll see you soon.
531
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,010
Okay.
532
00:17:57,279 --> 00:17:59,039
So?
533
00:18:00,170 --> 00:18:01,190
So?
534
00:18:03,269 --> 00:18:05,129
Uh...
535
00:18:05,150 --> 00:18:08,040
Hank, what are you
doing in here?
536
00:18:09,119 --> 00:18:10,169
Well, correct me if I'm wrong,
537
00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:14,010
but the procedure is
the guest host gets to use
538
00:18:14,029 --> 00:18:15,159
Larry's office, right?
539
00:18:15,180 --> 00:18:18,060
Yes, the guest host.
Which you are not.
540
00:18:18,079 --> 00:18:19,239
You have an office
of your own, Hank.
541
00:18:19,259 --> 00:18:20,999
So come on,
let's get out of here.
542
00:18:21,019 --> 00:18:22,069
Run along, come on.
543
00:18:23,079 --> 00:18:24,279
Your tone is very grating.
544
00:18:27,180 --> 00:18:30,160
Uh, I'd appreciate it if you
switched desks with Darlene.
545
00:18:30,180 --> 00:18:32,000
I'd like her a little closer
to me today.
546
00:18:32,019 --> 00:18:33,109
Uh, Hank, please,
don't make me mad.
547
00:18:33,130 --> 00:18:35,190
And don't you
make me mad!
548
00:18:35,210 --> 00:18:39,070
Darlene, sweetheart, I want you
to switch desks with Beverly.
549
00:18:39,089 --> 00:18:41,189
Oh, that's okay, Hank.
I love my desk.
550
00:18:44,029 --> 00:18:46,149
Uh, Hank, would you like it
551
00:18:46,170 --> 00:18:49,010
if I called Larry
about this?
552
00:18:49,029 --> 00:18:51,059
Because if I do, you know he'll
give me the go-ahead
553
00:18:51,079 --> 00:18:53,199
to kick your balls right out
through the top of your head!
554
00:18:53,220 --> 00:18:54,250
Oh, language.
555
00:18:54,269 --> 00:18:56,069
What the hell is going on?
Both: Artie!
556
00:18:56,089 --> 00:18:57,169
Artie, would you talk
to this woman?
557
00:18:57,190 --> 00:18:59,000
Uh, Beverly, thank you!
558
00:18:59,019 --> 00:19:00,209
Artie...
559
00:19:00,230 --> 00:19:02,220
the guest host gets Larry's
office, is that right?
560
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,040
That's right, Hank.
561
00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:05,249
I'm sure Richard Lewis
would appreciate it
562
00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:07,199
if you weren't sharing
the space with him.
563
00:19:07,220 --> 00:19:09,120
(clears throat)
564
00:19:09,140 --> 00:19:10,130
Richard Lewis?
565
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:12,190
Yes, Paula and I
talked to him yesterday.
566
00:19:12,210 --> 00:19:14,210
He couldn't do it last night.
He wanted to do it tonight.
567
00:19:14,230 --> 00:19:17,230
Oh, wow.
568
00:19:17,250 --> 00:19:19,100
Hey.
569
00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:22,049
Hey, I saved
your asses last night.
570
00:19:22,069 --> 00:19:25,099
This is the-- the fucking
gratitude I get?
571
00:19:26,099 --> 00:19:27,199
I mean, come on.
572
00:19:27,220 --> 00:19:29,200
Look in front of your face,
it's me, okay?
573
00:19:29,220 --> 00:19:32,190
It's Hank Kingsley.
I can do this job.
574
00:19:32,210 --> 00:19:36,080
I can do this job better
than any outside person.
575
00:19:36,099 --> 00:19:38,209
Come on, wake up.
Look at the reviews.
576
00:19:38,230 --> 00:19:39,290
All right.
577
00:19:40,009 --> 00:19:42,199
"Kingsley's winning demeanor
took Sanders' place
578
00:19:42,220 --> 00:19:44,100
with relative ease."
579
00:19:44,119 --> 00:19:45,269
Look at this one.
580
00:19:45,289 --> 00:19:48,069
"Kingsley proved himself
completely maladroit
581
00:19:48,089 --> 00:19:50,229
in the host's chair."
Hank.
582
00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:51,240
"Adroit" means "able,"
583
00:19:51,259 --> 00:19:53,209
"mal" means "bad" or "not."
584
00:19:53,230 --> 00:19:55,100
Put 'em together: maladroit.
585
00:19:55,119 --> 00:19:56,109
Not able.
586
00:19:56,130 --> 00:19:57,180
Capeesh?
587
00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:11,219
Beverly, get Larry on the phone.
588
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:13,000
I'm doing that
right now, Artie.
589
00:20:13,019 --> 00:20:14,139
I want you
to tell him everything.
590
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:17,060
Oh, no, Artie, I'm gonna save
that maladroit thing for you.
591
00:20:28,250 --> 00:20:30,130
Richard Lewis!
592
00:20:30,150 --> 00:20:32,170
Hank Kingsley.
How you doing?
593
00:20:32,190 --> 00:20:34,100
Listen, I'll--
I'll be real short.
594
00:20:34,119 --> 00:20:36,239
I just, uh, I just think
it's great that you're hosting
595
00:20:36,259 --> 00:20:38,249
the show tonight.
596
00:20:38,269 --> 00:20:40,249
Uh-huh, yeah.
597
00:20:40,269 --> 00:20:43,169
Question: You gonna be doing
your usual shtick?
598
00:20:45,029 --> 00:20:46,019
Uh...
599
00:20:46,039 --> 00:20:47,049
(chuckling)
600
00:20:47,069 --> 00:20:49,249
No, no, I love it.
It's just that, um...
601
00:20:49,269 --> 00:20:51,109
Ah, I don't wanna get into this.
602
00:20:52,109 --> 00:20:53,179
I...
603
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:56,160
Well, it's funny,
because last week,
604
00:20:56,180 --> 00:20:58,060
Larry and Arthur were talking
605
00:20:58,079 --> 00:21:00,019
and one of them said, uh,
606
00:21:00,039 --> 00:21:02,229
that they thought
the, uh, whole
607
00:21:02,250 --> 00:21:06,060
neurotic-Jewish-person thing
that you do
608
00:21:06,079 --> 00:21:09,099
is, uh, what did they say?
609
00:21:09,119 --> 00:21:11,219
"Predictably," uh...
610
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,070
"banal."
611
00:21:13,089 --> 00:21:15,179
Artie on phone:
I'm sorry to call you when
you're feeling low, buddy.
612
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:16,270
Nah, I'm fine, Artie.
613
00:21:16,289 --> 00:21:18,069
I pass out unexpectedly,
614
00:21:18,089 --> 00:21:20,049
but other than that, I feel
better than the night
615
00:21:20,069 --> 00:21:22,139
we had Jennifer Tilly on.
616
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,070
Artie:
Well, Richard Lewis dropped out.
617
00:21:24,089 --> 00:21:25,279
I'm-- I'm sure Hank
got on the phone with him.
618
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,030
That crazy son of a bitch.
619
00:21:28,049 --> 00:21:29,169
I don't think
Richard's that crazy.
620
00:21:29,190 --> 00:21:31,030
I think that's just an act.
621
00:21:31,049 --> 00:21:32,189
Artie:
I meant Hank.
622
00:21:32,210 --> 00:21:36,020
I don't say this often, Larry,
but I made a mistake.
623
00:21:36,039 --> 00:21:37,189
I should've canceled
last night's show
624
00:21:37,210 --> 00:21:38,290
instead of putting Hank on.
625
00:21:39,009 --> 00:21:40,239
Last night he was
a crying mess...
(Larry tumbling)
626
00:21:40,259 --> 00:21:43,229
now he's the ass
of the Western world.
627
00:21:43,250 --> 00:21:45,090
I think there's only one way
out of this.
628
00:21:45,109 --> 00:21:48,019
It's risky, but I really
don't have any other choice.
629
00:21:48,039 --> 00:21:49,229
Artie?
Yeah?
630
00:21:49,250 --> 00:21:50,240
Hey.
631
00:21:50,259 --> 00:21:53,029
What's happenin'?
632
00:21:53,049 --> 00:21:55,079
"I think Socks had something
to do with that decision."
633
00:21:55,099 --> 00:21:56,289
It's not funny.
I beg your pardon?
634
00:21:57,009 --> 00:21:58,109
What word do you
have trouble with?
635
00:21:58,130 --> 00:22:00,000
You understand "not."
That's comfortable for you?
636
00:22:00,019 --> 00:22:01,149
Yeah.
And "funny,"
you've heard of that?
637
00:22:01,170 --> 00:22:02,190
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, this doesn't work.
638
00:22:02,210 --> 00:22:04,020
You see, "I think Socks
had something
639
00:22:04,039 --> 00:22:05,049
to do with that decision."
640
00:22:05,069 --> 00:22:06,119
See, now I'm laughing.
641
00:22:06,140 --> 00:22:08,250
Well, uh, laugh loud so you can
cover for the rest of us.
642
00:22:08,269 --> 00:22:11,149
Hey, hey.
You like your job?
643
00:22:11,170 --> 00:22:12,190
No.
644
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,230
Well, watch it.
645
00:22:16,250 --> 00:22:17,240
You may go.
646
00:22:17,259 --> 00:22:18,249
Oh, may I?
647
00:22:18,269 --> 00:22:20,159
Thank you.
Come on, Sid.
648
00:22:20,180 --> 00:22:21,240
Watch it, asshole.
649
00:22:26,049 --> 00:22:27,999
What, what?
650
00:22:28,019 --> 00:22:29,079
You've changed, Hank.
651
00:22:29,099 --> 00:22:30,999
There's a darkness around you.
652
00:22:31,019 --> 00:22:32,219
Good. It's fine
there's a darkness.
653
00:22:35,289 --> 00:22:36,289
Are you okay?
654
00:22:38,180 --> 00:22:41,130
I'm gonna
tell you something.
655
00:22:41,150 --> 00:22:45,110
I prayed. I mean, I-- I actually
got down on my knees
656
00:22:45,130 --> 00:22:47,260
and I prayed
that Larry would stay sick
657
00:22:47,279 --> 00:22:49,069
so I could host
the show tonight.
658
00:22:49,089 --> 00:22:50,239
I mean,
I wished this man unwell.
659
00:22:50,259 --> 00:22:52,149
Do you understand that?
Oh, God, Hank, no.
660
00:22:52,170 --> 00:22:53,210
And I'm still doing it.
661
00:22:53,230 --> 00:22:55,170
I-- I hope he gets sick
through the weekend
662
00:22:55,190 --> 00:22:59,000
and on until the week after that
and the week after that.
663
00:22:59,019 --> 00:23:00,159
Hank, don't!
664
00:23:00,180 --> 00:23:01,270
You don't get it, do you?
665
00:23:01,289 --> 00:23:04,149
You see, it's not Larry
who is sick.
666
00:23:04,170 --> 00:23:05,250
It's me.
667
00:23:05,269 --> 00:23:08,029
Yes, it's me.
Huh?
668
00:23:08,049 --> 00:23:09,049
I am very sick.
669
00:23:09,069 --> 00:23:11,099
I am a sicko.
670
00:23:11,119 --> 00:23:13,229
I'm so fucking sick.
671
00:23:13,250 --> 00:23:15,220
But...
672
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,160
I'm finally
where I belong.
673
00:23:20,089 --> 00:23:22,099
(cheering and applause)
674
00:23:24,180 --> 00:23:26,120
Thank you.
675
00:23:26,140 --> 00:23:27,130
Thank you.
676
00:23:27,150 --> 00:23:29,020
(clears throat)
Thank you.
677
00:23:29,039 --> 00:23:32,109
Uh, don't adjust your vertical,
don't adjust your horizontal.
678
00:23:32,130 --> 00:23:35,030
There's nothing wrong
with your set, it is me again.
679
00:23:35,049 --> 00:23:36,279
(scattered laughter)
680
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:38,020
Okay, here we go.
681
00:23:38,039 --> 00:23:39,279
President Clinton announced
we'll be trading
682
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:41,090
tuna with the Japanese.
683
00:23:41,109 --> 00:23:44,069
I'm sure Socks had something
to do with that decision.
684
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:46,089
(scattered laughing)
685
00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:49,250
You see, that's interesting
because our-- our--
686
00:23:49,269 --> 00:23:51,279
our head writer that that was,
uh, you know,
687
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,250
a little, uh, off
688
00:23:53,269 --> 00:23:55,279
but he's such
a hopeless retard that, uh...
689
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:57,100
Man in audience:
Boo!
690
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,000
Easy now.
691
00:24:00,019 --> 00:24:01,219
All right, so...
692
00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:03,140
Man in audience:
You suck!
693
00:24:30,019 --> 00:24:31,079
Take a seat.
694
00:24:34,069 --> 00:24:35,259
We'll issue an apology
about the remarks
695
00:24:35,279 --> 00:24:38,089
about the mentally challenged.
696
00:24:38,109 --> 00:24:40,079
A healthy donation to,
let's say,
697
00:24:40,099 --> 00:24:43,099
the, uh, Down syndrome people
wouldn't hurt.
698
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:48,000
And you should send
a gift basket to John Cusack
699
00:24:48,019 --> 00:24:50,169
about that remark you made
about his sister.
700
00:24:50,190 --> 00:24:53,140
And you should send
three baskets to Lionel Richie.
701
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:55,040
One for each time you called him
Little Richard.
702
00:24:55,059 --> 00:24:57,179
Oh, I'm so sorry.
703
00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:58,290
It just got away from me.
704
00:24:59,009 --> 00:25:01,029
Oh no, Hank,
it really got away.
705
00:25:01,049 --> 00:25:02,999
It's down in Bolivia by now.
706
00:25:03,019 --> 00:25:05,109
Now, Hank,
what have we learned here?
707
00:25:06,160 --> 00:25:09,120
When you're vulnerable
and humble, people like you.
708
00:25:09,140 --> 00:25:10,240
And when you act
like an asshole,
709
00:25:10,259 --> 00:25:13,139
people tend to think of you
as an asshole.
710
00:25:14,220 --> 00:25:16,110
Are you gonna air
tonight's show?
711
00:25:16,130 --> 00:25:19,020
No, we'll put on
"The Best of Larry."
712
00:25:19,039 --> 00:25:22,179
But I'll always have a copy
of tonight's show close by.
713
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:24,060
Just keep that in mind
next time you wanna
714
00:25:24,079 --> 00:25:25,129
throw your weight around.
715
00:25:25,150 --> 00:25:26,210
You may go.
716
00:25:32,039 --> 00:25:34,229
Larry on the phone:
Is he gone yet?
717
00:25:34,250 --> 00:25:36,280
Don't let the doorknob
hit you in the ass.
718
00:25:40,220 --> 00:25:42,070
Larry:
Oops.
719
00:25:42,089 --> 00:25:44,049
Was that him?
Yeah.
720
00:25:47,259 --> 00:25:50,049
Larry?
Yeah?
721
00:25:50,069 --> 00:25:53,139
I think we've learned
some valuable lessons here.
722
00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:55,200
One, when you're sick
that close to air,
723
00:25:55,220 --> 00:25:57,050
we'll cancel.
Uh-huh.
724
00:25:57,069 --> 00:25:58,239
Two, Hank's place
is on the couch,
725
00:25:58,259 --> 00:26:00,169
where he does his best work.
Uh-huh.
726
00:26:00,190 --> 00:26:02,240
And three,
always let Beverly
727
00:26:02,259 --> 00:26:04,189
go into that yogurt shop alone.
728
00:26:06,019 --> 00:26:07,249
I'll admit, I--
729
00:26:07,269 --> 00:26:10,229
I may have
mishandled this affair
730
00:26:10,250 --> 00:26:12,260
but everything turned out
for the best, and--
731
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:15,259
and I think you see
that's gonna be all right.
732
00:26:15,279 --> 00:26:17,159
(tumbling over the phone)
733
00:26:17,180 --> 00:26:18,270
You agree, right?
734
00:26:18,289 --> 00:26:20,289
Larry:
Hey, Artie?
What's happening?
735
00:26:22,109 --> 00:26:23,279
(end music playing)
51169
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