Original subtitles

Now listen up, boys and girls.

I'm gonna say this one time only.

The next time one of you shows up wearing black sneakers

instead of black dress shoes, you'll need 'em

because I'll chase your delicate little butt

right out into the street.

If you're serious about a career in television,

I suggest you start caring about proper foot dress.

Okay? Got it?

Dig it? Dismissed.

Paula: Arthur! Bleacher.

Arthur! Bleacher!

Oh my God, oh my God, Arthur, we are in such deep shit.

All right, what is it?

Who dropped out, George Wendt or Angela Lansbury? Neither.

Beverly was driving Larry back from the frozen yogurt place

and he became violently ill.

Oh, God, why does Larry have to go into

the yogurt place in person?

Because he thinks if you can see the colors,

it's easier to pick the flavor.

He threw up all over the front seat of Beverly's car

and then he threw up all over Ventura Boulevard.

Sherman Oaks? Studio City.

Any witnesses? No, she didn't think so.

Oh, thank God, because I've seen Larry vomit.

It's not something you want to watch

over and over again on "Hard Copy."

Damn it to hell!

What's going on? I'll tell you later.

Where's Larry now? Beverly took him home.

We are one hour away from showtime.

What do we do, have the pages send the audience home?

We are not cancelling this show, goddammit!

Angela's a personal friend of mine

and George Wendt is starring on a TV movie

for the network tomorrow night.

They need us to help promote it,

so there's no way we can cancel.

All right, 45 minutes to find a guest host.

Great, do I call the list of regulars?

Call in this order: Jerry Seinfeld,

Richard Lewis, Bob Saget, John Ritter,

Howie Mandel, Louie Anderson.

Howie Mandel?

You're right.

Flop Howie and Louie, bump Saget from third to fourth,

and make sure that Seinfeld knows

that he's our first choice.

When he says no, make sure that Richard Lewis thinks

that he's our first choice, and so on down the list.

Oh, your mind amazes me!

I'm just now comfortable with it myself.

Okay, Phil!

Make sure Sid has the monologues on the cards early.

We want it ready for whoever we get, whenever they get here.

Right. What's going on, Paula?!

Seinfeld and Ritter are out of town,

Saget and Louie have conflicts,

Richard Lewis might be able to move something around.

His agent's calling me right back.

Howie Mandel?

Paula: Migraine. He can barely stand.

Have you called him? No.

Ah, Larry!

It's Artie, don't bother to pick up, pal.

I know you're feeling like shit.

I, uh, just want you to know everything's going fine.

I'm sitting here with our friend Phil.

We don't even miss you, Larry.

Ah, listen, we love ya, pal.

We miss you.

You're in our thoughts and prayers.

Paula, goddammit, get me a name!

80% unemployment in the acting ranks,

you can't find me one name?

Okay, here's the deal.

Richard Lewis is not available today

but he is tomorrow if we need him.

Great. Howie Mandel?

He is out of town.

Did you call him?

I just got the message.

Oh, bullshit. Oh, come on, man.

It's 35 minutes to showtime.

I don't mean to be a pain in the ass.

Are you sure that there's no one available?

I'm sure. No one?

Well, there's some chimps at "Live at Five"

who might be available.

I don't think so.

We'll have to settle for the next best thing.

Paula, are you aware I'm about to open the lid of a box

far nastier than Pandora's?

Aw, damn.

Uh, napkin.

Hank, we have a problem.

I'm not supposed to eat in my show clothes, I know.

It's just... I get hungry.

Hank, Larry's very, very ill.

We need you to host the show tonight.

No. Yes.

No. Oh, yes!

Oh, this is amazing!

My psychic told me a man in my life

was going to be given a great opportunity.

I thought she meant my father was gonna get a job,

but-- but this-- this is good too!

Yes, it is.

Hank, we've got mucho to do in 35 minutes.

Now, shall we?

Arthur? Yes?

Can't move my legs.

Look, hey, how's the legs now?

Uh... I'm-- I'm a little shaky, but--

God!

I've been waiting for this moment my whole life.

I'm-- I'm not gonna let you down.

I can do this, I know it. All right.

Yes, you can, Hank.

I'm doing some creative visualization

and I'm seeing the audience screaming with laughter.

I'm seeing the same thing, Darlene.

Thank you for explaining the screaming.

Uh, Darlene, call my agent, call my manager, uh--

Oh, I should call your wife!

Wife, yes, of course!

Uh, and, uh, I want to eat some fruit.

I-- I don't know why. A Pineapple.

Oh, I should call my mom.

She's gonna be so excited. She has a thing for Hank.

Oh, don't we all. Oh, uh, Artie.

My pal, Shadoe Stevens, he's two blocks away.

Why don't we call him, have him do the warm-up and the intro?

Shadoe is two blocks away.

Did I say that already?

Whatever you want, Hank.

Okay.

Artie! Yo!

I want to thank you.

I mean, I want to thank you for this.

It's just such a wonderful,

tremendous vote of confidence.

I-- I wanna thank you.

Hank, believe me, I had no choice.

I know.

Thank you.

Ha.

Um, where's-- where's my pineapple?

Okay, Hank, you wanna try this first one?

Uh, could you--

Elizabeth, can you give us a couple minutes? All right.

Thank you.

Ask 'em if my...

Okay, um, you come out.

Applause, applause. Hopefully.

And, uh, then you say this.

I say...

A little higher. I say, "Thank you, all.

"Before we go on, I wanna send a special message to my boss,

"my friend, Mr. Larry Sanders.

"Get well soon, buddy.

Things aren't the same without..."

My God, Larry's sick?

Yeah, food poisoning.

Didn't anybody tell you?

No. Yeah...

Oh, no-- well, no, I--

Oh, I guess-- I guess Artie did,

but, you know, I-- I was so nervous,

and the shock and the excitement.

Uh, uh... Food poisoning.

Yeah, yeah. Eh, eh, eh. Oh, man.

Uh, how many days does that last?

I have no idea.

Uh, but we should really try to get through these--

Yeah, we should, okay.

So you say that-- I say that.

And there's more applause. And then you continue.

And then I continue.

Okay. Higher.

"Even though Larry couldn't be here tonight,

"I know he's comfortable.

I have an American car-- the trunk is quite spacious."

Flip it. No, that-- that-- that's it, Hank.

What?

That-- that's the joke.

Uh, "The trunk is quite spacious."

Mm-hmm.

Uh...

I'm talking about-- I'm talking about Larry--

Yeah. Then, you know, talking about my car.

See, there's...

there's a logic.

Well, th-- See, that's the joke.

The idea is that you've kidnapped Larry

and you've put him in the trunk--

The trunk of my car!

I'm-- Eesh!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Uh, okay, uh...

(grumbling) Try it again.

Okay, takeover, takeover, takeover.

Um, I'm sorry, okay.

"Even though Larry couldn't be here tonight,

"I know he's comfortable.

I have an American car,"

and I put him in the trunk and I kidnapped him.

(laughing)

Does that help?

Does it hurt?

Don't worry about a thing, pal.

Everything's under control.

You just rest up.

You're gonna watch the show on the satellite feed?

Larry on the phone: Yeah, who'd you get to host?

How far down the list do I have to go?

(chuckling) Actually, we're off the list. Hank.

(groaning)

Artie on the phone: Larry?

(Larry retching)

Larry?

Artie, it-- it's Beverly.

Uh, Larry's vomiting again.

Can we get back to you?

Oh, certainly. (retching continues)

Mr. Wendt!

Hi. Hi.

I'm, uh, Phil, the best writer.

Hi. Thanks for doing the show.

Yeah, no problem. Uh, there's been a little change.

Yeah? Yeah. Uh, Larry's sick and so we have to have somebody

filling in for him tonight. Oh, no.

Yeah. He's okay, though?

Oh, he'll be fine. Yeah.

Yeah. Who's gonna host?

Uh, Hank.

Hank? Yeah.

(chuckling) Well, that's cool.

Oh, my God. That's cool.

Oh, my God. Well, um...

Oh, my God.

I-- I should give you the opportunity now

that if you wanna say anything--

No, no, no, I'm fine with Hank.

That's great. No, really.

You don't have to be nice about this because--

Do you have a problem with Hank? No, no.

Hank's great. Oh.

Yeah. It's just that, uh, it's his first show

and he's a little green, so... Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's all right.

You know, I did Conan's first show, so you have to remember.

Yes, I do. And I forgive you.

(chuckling)

So...

Shit.

"George Wendt, Angela Lansbury,

and comedian Jeff Cesario."

Good! "And now, because everybody else in show business

was out of town or in rehab..."

Yes. "'Hey Now' He--

'Hey Now' Hank Kingsley!"

Okay, good, good.

No, your instincts are absolutely right.

Do you mind? No.

Just my opinion, but, um, I think you wanna go,

you know, two notes,

but you wanna go up on the second note.

You see-- King-- Kingsley.

Kingsley! Kingsley!

Don't be afraid of it. Kind of a clarinet riff.

No, B-flat. King--

Kingsley! Kingsley!

Kingsley! You got me here, you got it!

There it is.

All right, five minutes, gentlemen.

Shadoe, how's it going?

Oh, great. Perfect.

Listen, would you do me a favor

and give me a few moments with, um...

the host with the most. No problem.

The man is vocal god.

Ah, indeed he is.

Love you on "Dave's World," kiddo.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Bernadene. Thank you.

Okay? Okay.

I'm fine.

Uh, I'm just trying to pick out, you know,

just the right tie for the show.

What about this one? You think that one?

Oh, definitely. Okay.

That-- that's the one. You're the boss.

And, uh, you know, I ordered some, uh, pineapple.

You know, uh, uh... have you seen my pineapple?

No, I haven't, I-- I haven't seen it but I'll get right on it.

Okay. Uh, I've been talking to Larry.

He sends his best. Great.

And, uh... my shoes aren't right.

Look at the shoes. What's wrong with them?

Well, they're just not right, you know?

And I ordered some pineapple...

Should I be concerned?

Hmm?

Don't make me do this, okay? I just can't do this.

I'm not...

I'm not up to this

and don't make me--

Oh, come on. Paula's out there.

She's waiting to go over the guest questions with you.

I'll be a few feet away at the monitor.

We're just so thrilled for you.

We just wanna support you, buddy. Okay.

What if I suck?

Never. No.

Yeah, what if I suck?

I mean, after all this time, I finally get my chance,

and what if I, uh, suck?

You-- you know, I'm serious.

Maybe I shouldn't, uh, get my chance

and then I don't have to find out I suck.

Breathe in.

(inhaling)

What if I suck? Let it out.

(exhaling)

What if I suck?

Ready?

No. Breathe in.

(inhaling)

Let it out.

(exhaling)

Ready?

No.

Here he is!

Crew: Yay!

Okay, now if you get in trouble, just go to the cards.

You'll be fine.

All the guests know it's your first time hosting

and they're cool with it. Okay.

Uh, but why'd you tell 'em?

Well, they were gonna find out sooner or later anyway.

Um, just put these in the desk and, um...

Sure.

Thank you.

I have a very good feeling about all of this, Hank.

What are you drinking?

Red Zinger and gin.

You'll be great.

Artie: 30 seconds, Hank.

Shadoe: Live on tape from Hollywood...

This is your first card.

You got it? Okay, Sid.

This is your mark.

Shadoe: George Wendt...

Ready? Shadoe: Angela Lansbury...

Mmm. Listen to me, buddy.

I've been in this business, man and boy, almost 40 years.

I know things, Hank.

Let me tell you one of the things I know.

You do not suck!

Shadoe: "Hey Now"...

That's one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me. Hank Kingsley!

(cheering and applause)

(clears throat)

Thank you.

Wow.

Thank you, thank you.

Now, uh, before it goes-- before we goes on,

I want to send a special message to my boss, my friend,

Mr. Larry Sanders.

Get well soon, buddy.

Things aren't the same without you.

(audience applauding)

Wow, uh thank you.

Even though Larry wouldn't be...

couldn't be here tonight, I know he's, uh, comfortable.

I have an American car and the trunk is quite spacious.

(audience laughing)

Thank you.

Now, uh, say, did you read the paper this morning?

Uh, tennis star Jennifer Capriati

is in the, uh, drug rehab.

I mean, is this really a surprise?

I seem to remember people all the time saying

she preferred playing on grass.

(audience laughing)

How's Hank doing?

He just got his first big laugh.

Good for Hank.

You don't understand.

This is gonna go right to his head.

He's gonna be a huge, huge pain in the ass.

You know Jimmy Woods?

That's nothing.

You know, um, my father, uh, always, uh,

told me to tell the truth,

so if it isn't obvious, I am...

I'm really terrified.

(audience laughing)

So, you're probably not going to see a really, uh,

great show tonight.

(audience laughing)

Man in audience: Go Hey Now!

(cheering and applause)

Okay. (clears throat)

Audience: Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank,

Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank, Hank...

(cheering and applause)

All right, all right.

All right.

Okay, okay.

So... you wanna do this?

Audience: Yeah!

I mean, you wanna do this?

Audience: Yeah!

Okay, we've got George Wendt, Angela Lansbury,

Jeff Cesario.

Hey now, don't go away!

(cheering and applause)

Crewmember: We're clear.

(cheering continues)

Artie: Now you go to the chair.

The chair.

The chair.

No, no, your chair.

Give it a go.

No, no.

(audience laughing)

Okay. You're great.

Okay.

'Cause I love this man.

I love this man. Hey!

This guy.

(chuckling)

Thank you, thank you.

Uh, well, I think you have an embarrassing, uh, incident

that happened somewhere in, uh...

Hank. Amsterdam?

What are you doing with those cards?

They told me to read the cards.

Hank, you don't have to read those things.

Come on, give me those things.

What have you got here? Uh...

What do you have here? Come on.

Hank...

cards are a crutch. (laughing)

They're a crutch.

(laughing continues)

There goes-- thank you and good night.

Hank-- We will--

You don't need the cards. I need those cards.

Larry-- Larry needs the cards. This man doesn't need 'em.

He's wonderful.

Hank just... (cheering and applause)

Yay! Yeah, Hank!

Yeah!

(cheering and applause)

Good job, good job. You did it, Hank!

I have to be honest, I-- I thought we were gonna

have to warn people to watch this show

through a pinhole in a piece of cardboard.

But you made it, buddy. Oh, man, thank you, thank you.

Thank you, everyone.

Oh, man, I'm tired.

Now I know why Larry is so fucked up.

(laughing)

Listen, you go home, you get some sleep.

You deserve it. Darlene, you're gonna drive him?

You bet.

Okay, folks, let's hear it for Shadoe Stevens!

(cheering and applause)

And the great Hank Kingsley!

Yeah!

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Who are you? (laughing)

Good morning, ladies! Good morning, Artie.

What's the news from the sick bed, Beverly?

Oh, well, Artie, he's over that food poisoning,

but last night, he ran into the bathroom

and he slipped and fell and hit his head on the john.

Oh, shit. No, no, he's okay.

It's a minor concussion but it's serious enough

to get those painkillers he's been after.

Yay, he's here, everybody!

Yay! (cheering and applause)

Thank you, thank you very much.

Easy, easy.

Messages? You were great last night, Hank.

Thank you.

As good as Larry, maybe even better. Wow.

Good morning, my boy. Still flushed with victory?

Yes, I am flushed with victory.

You sound a little surprised I did so well.

Oh?

I'm glad I'm not playing poker anytime soon.

Beverly: Hey, Hank? Yeah?

Both: You were great!

(both laughing)

Thank you. You were great.

Yeah, thanks.

Yeah, good job last night.

Well, you're very excited.

Can you get me a coffee? No.

No, I book talent. I don't get coffee. Oh, fine.

Well, then, uh, could you book David Copperfield on the show

and when he gets here, have him pull a cup of coffee

out of his ass?

(chuckling) Decaf? (chuckling)

Serious.

Hank, telephone.

It's Larry. Fucking cup of coffee.

Who is it? I think he wants to congratulate you.

Larry.

Hey, how you feeling, buddy?

You all right?

Mmm, thank you.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

Uh-huh.

Well, you know, you left me some mighty big shoes to fill.

(chuckling)

Oh, come on, come on.

That's very nice of you.

Listen, you get back here

because no one can do this show quite like you.

Okay?

Very good.

Very good.

Yeah, I'll see you soon.

Okay.

So?

So?

Uh...

Hank, what are you doing in here?

Well, correct me if I'm wrong,

but the procedure is the guest host gets to use

Larry's office, right?

Yes, the guest host. Which you are not.

You have an office of your own, Hank.

So come on, let's get out of here.

Run along, come on.

Your tone is very grating.

Uh, I'd appreciate it if you switched desks with Darlene.

I'd like her a little closer to me today.

Uh, Hank, please, don't make me mad.

And don't you make me mad!

Darlene, sweetheart, I want you to switch desks with Beverly.

Oh, that's okay, Hank. I love my desk.

Uh, Hank, would you like it

if I called Larry about this?

Because if I do, you know he'll give me the go-ahead

to kick your balls right out through the top of your head!

Oh, language.

What the hell is going on? Both: Artie!

Artie, would you talk to this woman?

Uh, Beverly, thank you!

Artie...

the guest host gets Larry's office, is that right?

That's right, Hank.

I'm sure Richard Lewis would appreciate it

if you weren't sharing the space with him.

(clears throat)

Richard Lewis?

Yes, Paula and I talked to him yesterday.

He couldn't do it last night. He wanted to do it tonight.

Oh, wow.

Hey.

Hey, I saved your asses last night.

This is the-- the fucking gratitude I get?

I mean, come on.

Look in front of your face, it's me, okay?

It's Hank Kingsley. I can do this job.

I can do this job better than any outside person.

Come on, wake up. Look at the reviews.

All right.

"Kingsley's winning demeanor took Sanders' place

with relative ease."

Look at this one.

"Kingsley proved himself completely maladroit

in the host's chair." Hank.

"Adroit" means "able,"

"mal" means "bad" or "not."

Put 'em together: maladroit.

Not able.

Capeesh?

Beverly, get Larry on the phone.

I'm doing that right now, Artie.

I want you to tell him everything.

Oh, no, Artie, I'm gonna save that maladroit thing for you.

Richard Lewis!

Hank Kingsley. How you doing?

Listen, I'll-- I'll be real short.

I just, uh, I just think it's great that you're hosting

the show tonight.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Question: You gonna be doing your usual shtick?

Uh...

(chuckling)

No, no, I love it. It's just that, um...

Ah, I don't wanna get into this.

I...

Well, it's funny, because last week,

Larry and Arthur were talking

and one of them said, uh,

that they thought the, uh, whole

neurotic-Jewish-person thing that you do

is, uh, what did they say?

"Predictably," uh...

"banal."

Artie on phone: I'm sorry to call you when you're feeling low, buddy.

Nah, I'm fine, Artie.

I pass out unexpectedly,

but other than that, I feel better than the night

we had Jennifer Tilly on.

Artie: Well, Richard Lewis dropped out.

I'm-- I'm sure Hank got on the phone with him.

That crazy son of a bitch.

I don't think Richard's that crazy.

I think that's just an act.

Artie: I meant Hank.

I don't say this often, Larry, but I made a mistake.

I should've canceled last night's show

instead of putting Hank on.

Last night he was a crying mess... (Larry tumbling)

now he's the ass of the Western world.

I think there's only one way out of this.

It's risky, but I really don't have any other choice.

Artie? Yeah?

Hey.

What's happenin'?

"I think Socks had something to do with that decision."

It's not funny. I beg your pardon?

What word do you have trouble with?

You understand "not." That's comfortable for you?

Yeah. And "funny," you've heard of that?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, this doesn't work.

You see, "I think Socks had something

to do with that decision."

See, now I'm laughing.

Well, uh, laugh loud so you can cover for the rest of us.

Hey, hey. You like your job?

No.

Well, watch it.

You may go.

Oh, may I?

Thank you. Come on, Sid.

Watch it, asshole.

What, what?

You've changed, Hank.

There's a darkness around you.

Good. It's fine there's a darkness.

Are you okay?

I'm gonna tell you something.

I prayed. I mean, I-- I actually got down on my knees

and I prayed that Larry would stay sick

so I could host the show tonight.

I mean, I wished this man unwell.

Do you understand that? Oh, God, Hank, no.

And I'm still doing it.

I-- I hope he gets sick through the weekend

and on until the week after that and the week after that.

Hank, don't!

You don't get it, do you?

You see, it's not Larry who is sick.

It's me.

Yes, it's me. Huh?

I am very sick.

I am a sicko.

I'm so fucking sick.

But...

I'm finally where I belong.

(cheering and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you.

(clears throat) Thank you.

Uh, don't adjust your vertical, don't adjust your horizontal.

There's nothing wrong with your set, it is me again.

(scattered laughter)

Okay, here we go.

President Clinton announced we'll be trading

tuna with the Japanese.

I'm sure Socks had something to do with that decision.

(scattered laughing)

You see, that's interesting because our-- our--

our head writer that that was, uh, you know,

a little, uh, off

but he's such a hopeless retard that, uh...

Man in audience: Boo!

Easy now.

All right, so...

Man in audience: You suck!

Take a seat.

We'll issue an apology about the remarks

about the mentally challenged.

A healthy donation to, let's say,

the, uh, Down syndrome people wouldn't hurt.

And you should send a gift basket to John Cusack

about that remark you made about his sister.

And you should send three baskets to Lionel Richie.

One for each time you called him Little Richard.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It just got away from me.

Oh no, Hank, it really got away.

It's down in Bolivia by now.

Now, Hank, what have we learned here?

When you're vulnerable and humble, people like you.

And when you act like an asshole,

people tend to think of you as an asshole.

Are you gonna air tonight's show?

No, we'll put on "The Best of Larry."

But I'll always have a copy of tonight's show close by.

Just keep that in mind next time you wanna

throw your weight around.

You may go.

Larry on the phone: Is he gone yet?

Don't let the doorknob hit you in the ass.

Larry: Oops.

Was that him? Yeah.

Larry? Yeah?

I think we've learned some valuable lessons here.

One, when you're sick that close to air,

we'll cancel. Uh-huh.

Two, Hank's place is on the couch,

where he does his best work. Uh-huh.

And three, always let Beverly

go into that yogurt shop alone.

I'll admit, I--

I may have mishandled this affair

but everything turned out for the best, and--

and I think you see that's gonna be all right.

(tumbling over the phone)

You agree, right?

Larry: Hey, Artie? What's happening?

(end music playing)