Original subtitles

I'm going to produce

the People's Choice Awards this year.

Really?

Yes, it'll be on our next hiatus week.

Are you okay with that?

Fine.

Congratulations.

Well, you know, it's quick work.

The money's good.

It's a chance for me to get back

in the awards show game again.

Yeah.

But if there's any problem,

you just call and I'll join you

on your hiatus in Maui.

No... Oahu.

What happened?

Oahu. That's where I'm going.

Of course.

Yeah. You'll have lots of fun.

Yes, I will. What do you do there?

Huh? I'll tell you what I do there.

I-- I pay a cabana boy

to wheel me down to the beach ever day

on stretcher like a coma patient.

Ha-ha! Is that included in the package?

(chuckles)

Who's, uh... hosting?

Paul Reiser.

Excellent choice.

Well, did, did, did my name even come up

for the People's Choice thing?

It just seems like that's the kind of thing they'd--

they'd ask me to do, that's all.

Mmm... tastes like chicken.

Okay, Hank, we go it.

I think we do, but, uh,

I just wanna do one more.

Just for fun.

Oh, come on, let's wrap this up.

There is a finite amount of videotape in the world.

Right, I'm gonna throw in that, uh, that line

I told you about. Right.

Okay, this is the last take.

No, I don't want to do it.

It just seems that they would want me to do it.

Mmm... tastes a little like coconut.

Larry: Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

What is that? The coconut line's completely wrong.

It's supposed to be "chicken."

Where did that come from?

Uh, Hank came up with that. He's very proud of it.

Well, it, it, it is not right. It is not right.

Some shave creams are coconut-scented,

so it's not funny.

(banging)

(sighs)

And we have 22 takes with him saying "chicken,"

one of which we'll use.

I just wanted to let him do it that way

so his feelings wouldn't be hurt.

Well, is he all right?

(banging)

Oy... I'll go talk to him.

You go ta-- we'll-- the coconut thing is out.

Of course.

You go talk to him.

Okay, yes.

I'll go-- should I go talk to him, Artie?

I wouldn't talk to him, no.

Well, then, you go talk to him.

Will you go talk to him?

Yeah. Good.

Is Sally Kirkland available?

How could she not be available?

She's in town.

I don't think Sally Kirkland's

right for our show, Artie.

Oh, this is for People's Choice.

Oh, I don't think she's right for that either.

Well, how would you know?

She's a darling girl. I gave her her first orgasm.

Oh, well, then she's perfect.

Send her roses, long-stemmed, and a limo.

She'll do it.

Hey, I got Elvis Costello for tomorrow night.

Oh, great, Elvis... Costello.

I'm a big fan. That is great.

Yeah. Maybe he'll do "Pump It Up."

That's my favorite song.

You know, I think he'd rather do something off the new album.

Oh, well, just ask him.

I will, but, you know, I'd rather not.

He's kinda temperamental.

Well, maybe I should ask him.

You could, but I'd rather you didn't.

'Cause remember what happened

last time you talked to Michael Bolton?

Oh, come on, so I thought

I'd heard that song somewhere before.

I had to bring it up.

Hey. What's this?

I heard we got Elvis. I want to get this autographed.

No, no. No, he's too temperamental.

What-- is that the tape?

Yeah, I put it together. Good.

Speaking of temperamental, how's Hank doing? Is he--

I have no idea.

Should I go? Hmm?

You're welcome to stay.

Next time that this happens with the coconut--

a thing like that coconut line--

would you warn me that that's...

I tried. ...his line?

I feel horrible about this.

I know.

Mmm... tastes a little like chicken.

Right? Right, right.

And just so we say we saw it, here's, uh, Hank's version.

Mmm... tastes a little like coconut.

No, no, no, no.

No.

You know, you, you let him go like that.

I know.

Shh... keep it down,

because he could be lurking out there.

He does that?

21st Annual People's Choice Awards

will return right after this.

Hank, we've already got the announcer for the show.

Oh, no... who?

It's the same announcer who always does it.

Al "Harelip" Hartman?

No. No.

This guy, he has no verve, no personality.

He's a-- he's a robot. Exactly.

And he drinks.

So do I, that's why I like him.

Come on.

Excuse me.

(clears throat)

You didn't, uh, talk to him

about the commercial parody, did you?

No, but I'll tell you why.

He has a hair up his ass

because I won't hire him as the announcer

for the People's Choice.

He's got that coconut line up his ass.

How many things can he have up his ass at once?

(laughter) No-- we have a great show.

We'll be right back.

We have Kelsey Grammer.

We have, uh-- we have John Goodman

and, of course, we have a visit from Uncle Helen.

No flipping. We'll be right back.

(cheering and applause) Man: We're clear.

Oh, Lord, you folks came on a very rare night

where you get to see me fuck up three jokes in a row.

(laughter)

Don't take it for granted.

You're such a good crowd, give yourselves a hand.

You're still a great crowd.

(applause)

Thanks for coming, thanks for coming.

I won't fuck up the rest of the night.

(music playing)

What a shit crowd.

What a shit, shit crowd.

What are they doing? Bringing these busloads in

from the English as a Second Language program again?

I'm only smiling because the audience is looking at me

and I'm a professional.

(music continues)

Nice talkin' to ya.

It's a great crowd tonight, huh?

Yeah, no, it's a shit crowd.

Could you get, uh, Phil for me? Okay.

Shit crowd.

Uh... Artie, you gotta talk to Hank for me, okay?

He's still got his-- (slams down phone)

What is-- what is it? What is that?

Paul Reiser just dropped out as host

for the People's Choice Awards. Thank God.

I thought it was something that might have to do with this show,

the show we're taping right now.

I'm sorry, sir, that should never have happened.

That's okay. Hey.

Hey, I put in the shorter chicken deodorant take.

Oh, well, listen, I changed my mind...

and I wanna put in Hank's coconut line in that, all right?

But this airs in 20 minutes.

Well, we-- Ah... the thrill

of live-to-tape television.

Andale, Felipe! Vámonos, vámonos!

You can handle it.

Who were you thinking of, uh, replacing Reiser with?

Uh, Larry, the network has asked me

to pull in a favor, you know,

and so I-- I don't want to do this,

but, uh, Larry, will you-- will you be the host

on the People's Choice Awards?

No. Artie, no. As a favor to me?

It's just those endless rehearsals,

and I hate doing that stuff.

It's a no-win situation.

The audience is there not to see you.

They're all nervous about who's gonna win.

Yeah.

And there's those big dance numbers

that I don't want to do.

Okay, I just had to ask, I'm sorry.

Well, I appreciate it.

All right, hold on, you...

Call me back.

Can you promise me I wouldn't have to do

one of those dance numbers?

You'll only have to strip at the end of the show.

How about it?

That's the favor to you, isn't it?

(both laughing)

Hey, buddy, God bless ya.

Okay, sure, all right.

All right, listen-- we got 20 seconds.

You want to go over the list of the presenters?

No, let's get back to this show.

Okay.

(laughter)

Mmm... tastes a little like coconut.

(laughter)

Larry on tape: Larry Sander's toiletries for the hungry man.

(quietly) Thank you.

This is my new milk chocolate deodorant.

The quick-drying roll-on with the creamy...

I'm losing you.

I-- I'm losing you.

I've lost you.

Girlfriend?

Car phone.

Did you tell Artie you'd do the People's Choice Awards?

Boy, news gets around fast, doesn't it?

You know, Larry, this is a partnership.

You don't say yes, we say yes.

Oh, come on, Stevie.

You know what, I thought it might be fun

to host one of these things and, besides,

I'm doing Artie a little favor, that's all. You mean co-host.

Huh? Co-host.

You're co-hosting

with Rita Moreno and Dean Cain.

No. Artie did not mention that to me.

Who's Dean Cain? Superman.

You're co-hosting with fucking Superman.

You're kidding.

Arthur's fucking you, Larry.

You know? You're co-hosting.

I'm this close to getting you the Oscars next year.

You already have a show of your own

and you choose to co-host?

Look, I thought I was doing Artie a little favor.

Well, you shouldn't think, you know?

Because you pay me to think.

This is a terrible business decision.

Co-hosting detracts

from your essential specialness

in the marketplace. All right.

I mean, who are you, Kathie Lee all of a sudden?

You understand?

Yes, I got it, Stevie.

Okay, then repeat after me.

Co-hosting detracts from-- come on, come on-- co-host--

Look at me. Come on.

Co-hosting detracts from... Co-hosting detracts

from my essential specialness--

...specialness... --in the marketplace.

Okay. Is that all?

Is that all it detracts from?

Is that all I have to repeat?

Colleen? Darlene on intercom: Yeah?

What's, uh, Superman's name? Clark Kent.

No, no, no. The actor.

Christopher Reeve.

The, uh-- the new one.

Dean Cain?

Right, right.

Now, where does he work?

At the "Daily Planet" newspaper in Metropolis.

Hey. Hey!

I know, I know, I'm just teasing.

They're on the Warner Brothers lot.

Fine. Could you get him for me, please?

Sure.

(beep)

Dean Cain?

Hank Kingsley.

Listen, I just wanted to call you,

congratulate you on the People's Choice gig.

It's a-- another, uh... pleat in your cape.

And-- here it is, uh, bottom line,

Al "Harelip" Hartman, you don't want this guy.

You can't understand... this guy.

You don't want to be introduced

as "Thuperman," do you?

Whereas I, your biggest fan,

will be able to announce you as "Superman."

Or... Dean Cain, sure.

Whatever you pre...

Hello?

Why didn't you tell me that I was co-hosting?

You're not. You're the host.

No, no, no, no.

Then what are-- what are, what are Rita and Superman?

Just backups in case I get a paper cut

opening one of those envelopes?

(laughing)

That's very funny.

Yeah. Larry, you're the host.

Yeah?

Rita and the Man of Steel are the co-hosts.

Uh-huh. That makes no sense.

Of course it doesn't, sweetheart.

It's the network.

But don't worry about it.

I'm going to make sure that your head

is at least 50% larger than theirs

on the cover of TV Guide.

That is not the point.

That is not the point. No?

You wanted to see me?

Huh? About what?

I don't know.

Oh-- oh, oh, oh, yeah. Will you take out Hank's coconut line

from the pre-tape before it airs tonight?

What? The show's gonna go on satellite in 15 minutes.

We don't have time to re-cut it.

If you can write a monologue for this man in 15 minutes,

you can make this change.

Right. What? Nothing.

Well, just take out the audio then, okay?

'Cause I don't want to hear the word "coconut."

I wanna hear the word "chicken."

'Cause it's funny, right?

You alw-- trust your instincts, kiddo.

Always trust Larry's instincts. Always.

One person is a host.

Two or more are co-hosts.

My agent is tearing himself a new asshole.

The network wants the co-host.

They think this is a good mix, Larry.

Superman to bring in the young'uns. Uh-huh.

Rita to bring in the urbanites and the hairdressers

and you to bring in the rest.

Just plain folks who like to laugh.

When you say "hairdressers..."

I mean actual hairdressers.

Our research department is giving us

incredibly specific stuff these days. Uh-huh.

I'm sorry about the confusion, Larry,

but you know the network.

Yeah. Yeah, they are

a bunch of dickheads, aren't they?

Right. Oh.

Melanie! Melanie, hi.

You know, Artie and I were just saying, uh,

what a nice bunch of network heads

we have working here.

(Artie laughs)

Ta-ta!

Oh, I Liked the show tonight, Larry.

Oh, did you see the commercial parody?

I loved that.

But Hank saying "coconut," that was a little confusing.

Yeah. I mean, aren't there shaving creams

that are coconut-scented?

Right, I couldn't agree with you more on this one,

which frightens me, quite frankly.

He was supposed to say "chicken."

Chicken? Yeah.

Well, that doesn't seem that funny either.

No, "chicken" is funny

in... the context of a smell that goes on your face.

Tr-trust me.

Um, by the way, I'm glad to see

you're coming aboard the People's Choice special.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

I... figure in lieu of being nominated...

Well, I'll tell you this much.

If I were producing it, I'd have one host: you.

That's nice of you to say. I think it'd be much cleaner that way.

Well, I understand the idea

that you have to have Superman there to get the kids

and Rita Moreno to... balance it out and so forth.

Well, that's what Arthur thinks,

and we disagree with him.

But, as producer, he has final say.

Artie had final say?

Yeah.

Have a good one.

You too.

So what? You happened to say

that it was the network's idea, as I recall.

I do that all the time.

Don't make a big deal out of it.

Oh, so what you're saying is, is you knew all along

that it was the, uh, co-hosting thing, right?

You wanted to do this job, didn't you?

Oh, no, I never said that.

Well, your agent did. No.

He called me up, he asked for it.

Well, you said it was a favor.

Darling-- I never told him to call you.

An hour-- Never told him to call you.

Sweetheart, not an hour after I told you that I was doing this,

Stevie called me up and he was crying to me,

"Why haven't you given Larry this job?

Why didn't you ask him to host?"

Wee-wee-wee-wee-wee!

I didn't tell him to call you

and that doesn't mean I wanted to do it, okay?

I'm surprised you had the time to take the call anyway.

I've got plenty of time to cover it all.

Oh, yeah, you could produce four more shows simultaneously.

Fuckin' A.

You should call the Conan O'Brien people,

see if they need a producer for the farewell special.

Good idea, so give me a call,

and I'll let you host that one, too.

Oh, good, good, good.

No wonder you been married so many times.

What are you on now?

You know what? I'm not doing

your little People's Choice Awards show, okay?

I'm out!

(laughter on television)

Mmm... tastes a little like-- chicken.

That, that is right.

Larry: Larry Sanders toiletries for the hungry man.

Did you or did you not have anything to do

with that hatchet job on that commercial parody?

And I want-- come on-- the truth, Phil.

I-- I did not initiate the change,

but I was implicated in the course of events

that led to the alter--

Please, please, please.

Save your Ivy League doubletalk

for your chums down at the Parliamentary Debating Society.

(sighs)

Larry told me to do it.

And you just automatically do

whatever the hell Larry tells you to do?

Yes, don't you?

Yes!

Now, get the hell out of my office.

Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What's in the bag?

What?

What's in the bag?

Nothing.

Okay.

It's Elvis Costello. "Spike."

When do you think we can get him to sign it?

We can't. What--

what have I been saying about bugging him?

I know, I heard you,

but that's for everybody else, right?

What do you think? Before or after the show?

Why is everybody acting

like a bunch of four-year-olds at a fucking Barney show?

Gee-- what crawled up your butt and died?

Gee.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh... uh, can somebody, uh, uh, can...

Uh, hello?

Elvis, hi! I'm Paula.

How are ya? Is everything okay?

Can we do anything for ya?

Uh, everything's fine, I think.

You know, Larry is so excited to have you on the show.

He's a big fan.

Oh, speak of the devil, here he is.

Larry, this is Elvis. Yeah, Elvis, I heard you coming down the hall.

Hi. Hi. Gee, I'm a big fan.

Listen, you know the song "Alison"?

I was just wondering about this-- is that-- is that--

Excuse me.

Let's talk about that on the air.

Artie, you know Elvis Costello.

Oh, yes, dear boy.

What an honor to have you aboard.

You know, I've always wanted to ask you

about your song "Alison."

Is that about a specific person, or a pet?

Uh, uh... (Hank) Artie?

I need to talk to you.

Hank, this is Elvis.

I don't think so.

We are back.

I'm very excited about, uh, my next guest.

This is his latest album, "Brutal Youth."

I'm a huge fan.

Please give a warm welcome

to Elvis Costello and The Attractions.

(cheering and applause, music playing)

♪ When nobody knows, she puts on secret clothes ♪

♪ And lies in the meadow ♪

♪ With her hands tied behind her back ♪

♪ I won't refuse if you know how to use it ♪

♪ Just stop playing that ugly drug music ♪

♪ Thirteen steps lead down ♪

♪ Thirteen steps lead down ♪

♪ There's commoners and kings ♪

♪ And everyone's a prisoner ♪

♪ Of paper and glue ♪

♪ And a decent pair of scissors... ♪

You know, I've been trying to land

that, uh, People's Choice announcing gig?

♪ ...because I just can't stand myself... ♪

I didn't want to come to you with it,

because, you know, God knows you have so much on your mind.

You know, you know, you wear all these hats.

Including, uh, the editing,

which you seem to be more and more involved with every day.

(laughing)

That's because I care.

♪ Thirteen steps lead down ♪

♪ Thirteen steps lead down ♪

♪ She stands and fails on fashion fingernails ♪

♪ Her lovers have her walkin' 'round ♪

♪ On instruments of torture ♪

♪ And one of them is poisonous ♪

♪ The other is a thief they say... ♪

I've spoken to, uh, Rita Moreno

and, uh, Superman

and they don't seem to want to help.

Fuckers!

So, I'm asking you flat out.

Please, hire me.

I want to be the announcer.

I'm so fat.

♪ Just stop playing that bad mood music ♪

♪ Thirteen steps lead down ♪

♪ Thirteen steps lead down... ♪

You're wasting your time, Hank.

Larry's quit the People's Choice,

so he can't help your ass.

Oh.

Well, in that case...

It was a bad decision to edit that take.

"Coconut" is funnier than "chicken."

Coco... nut.

It's a "K" sound followed by a "nut."

Hey...

The show is in progress, gentlemen.

Hank, please return to your chair.

(music continues)

You wanna reconsider your hasty decision

or are you gonna let me be stuck

with the suggestion that the network gave me?

Mr. Hal Linden.

Well, Hal Linden is good.

Hal Linden is funny

and he'll do one of those dance numbers.

Okay, I'll just hang there with Hal

and twist slowly in the wind for all you care.

If I was you, if I was you, I'd go get Hank. Yeah.

(music continues)

(playing intro to "Radio Radio")

(cheering)

(music ends)

(cheering and applause)

Give me an idea of why Elvis is so mad.

I don't have any idea.

I just know he's very, very angry.

Artie... (knocking on door)

Mr. Costello?

You see?

You see, you said the other project

wouldn't interfere with your work here

and this is-- the whole thing's falling apart, okay?

Oh, don't be such a pussy.

Elvis!

De-clan? Declan?

Who's Declan?

That's-- that's-- that's his real name.

Oh, you know, I didn't even know that.

Why don't you read the fuckin' notes?

Why don't you shove 'em up your ass?

Oh, is-- is there a problem, sir?

I don't even know why I did this show.

Come on, we're big fans here.

Oh, yeah, you're big fans.

And while I'm out there doing my number,

you're yap, yap, yap, yap...

We were listening most intently.

Don't give-- We're huge fans.

Don't give me any more of that "big fan" shite.

Letterman. Letterman. That's big fans. You were incredible.

When did you do Letterman? I thought he didn't do Letterman.

I thought we were the first to get him on. I didn't know that.

When did you do Letter-- What was Letterman like?

Well, at least he was funny.

And the people there, they want autographs,

they want photographs,

they come in with a question about the songs.

We, we-- Here, no one will even look at me.

All right, what can we do to make it up?

Whatever you want.

I've taken care of that myself.

Bye-bye.

By the way, Larry...

I'm a big fan.

What the...

Look at this. Look at this.

I have a-- this reminds me

of the time Angela Lansbury was on.

Good morning.

Oh, hey.

Uh...

I just came in to tell you I made a mistake.

I should have never taken that People's Choice project.

I was just coming into your office

to tell you I thought I overreacted, so...

No, I thought about this all night.

I was wrong to have asked you to co-host.

You should always be the host.

And you should rest on your hiatus,

so you can focus on this show the way I should be doing.

So I told 'em.

"Just take your tap shoes

and shove 'em up your collective ass."

(sighs)

So, you-- you quit?

No... they fired me.

Rule number one, never quit.

Always make them fire you, that way you get your money.

So, I'm gonna be on that plane to Hawaii

Saturday morning, buddy!

I'm gonna teach you how to windsurf.

You know, um, I felt so bad

about our little argument last night

that I woke up and, uh...

I signed the contract

to co-host the People's Choice Awards.

As a favor to you.

Oh, shit.

What are we gonna--

Is this-- is this where I do the intro from?

Man: Okay, people, settle down, people, quiet.

Is this where I do-- It's a rehearsal.

Is this where I do the intro from?

Yeah. All right.

"And now I'd like you all to say hello

to my good friend and co-host, Miss Rita Moreno,"

and then I move-- she's gonna come--

Okay. Great.

All right. Okay, and Rita settles in.

Yeah, yeah, it's really, really very easy. Just take my hand.

Now-- We can do some step-kicks.

Like we did the other, uh...

Right, and then when I put up my leg, you grab it, okay?

Let's go.

Okay. Here we go.

And... kick, step, step, step.

Kick, step, step, step. Kick, step, step, step.

Now catch my leg. Catch my-- there you--

I just pulled something.

I just-- uh, right here.

Can I just take a little break?

Oh.

Is there a... (clears throat)

I did this in high school. Excuse me.

Rita: I don't think he dances.

Now, Larry, I think this can work.

You just have to commit.

I am not dancing.

I'll tell you what-- you get Artie, then I'll dance.

I don't even know where Arthur is.

He is in Hawaii.

He's on the island of Oahu, in Honolulu.

Larry...

I know this is unfamiliar territory.

You feel a little out of place here.

Just a tad.

We've made an adjustment

that's gonna make you feel more at home, okay?

Can we hear that opening announce, please?

Hank on speaker: And now, the People's Choice Awards

salute in song and in dance

35 years of daytime dramas.

Mmm... tastes a little like coconut.

♪ ♪