Original subtitles

Jason Alexander? Larry: Mm-hmm.

Uh, only if we can't get Michael Richards

or Jerry Seinfeld.

So Jason Alexander?

That's excellent, and he'll be on with...

Jackson Browne and Marilu Henner.

Mary Lou Retton? Marilu Henner!

Oh, thank god, the last thing we need

is Larry on those uneven bars again.

Who's on for tonight?

Danny DeVito, Jimmie Walker,

the potato lady and The Breeders.

Uh, rock band. Oh, my gosh.

Good one, Artie.

Oh, I liked their first album.

The second one was a disappointment.

So, uh...

Larry, what, we've got now, we've got Danny DeVito,

Jimmie Walker, uh,

the potato lady, and The Breeders.

How does that sound, Larry?

Great. That looks great.

They got the stain-- come a little closer.

Wow, they got the stain completely out.

I can't believe it.

We'll, we'll use them, uh,

as our regular dry cleaner from now on.

Tell Darlene I said hi.

What'd you think of the lineup tonight?

No, I'm listening. Like it?

Yeah. Once again, Paula.

Danny DeVito, Jimmie Walker,

The Breeders and the potato lady.

Are we ordering lunch?

No, Hank, we are not.

Oh, because I heard someone mention potatoes,

and I-I can have those on my new diet.

Hey, that's good to know, buddy.

Right now, we're in a meeting about booking.

Why, why is Larry in here?

Well, Larry likes to be involved

in deciding who the guests will be.

Are we ordering lunch?

Hold on, hold on, Beverly, we're ordering lunch, I think.

Is there a menu? We're not ordering.

Well, what's Hank doing here?

Hank, I'll keep you advised, okay?

Please do, because I only have the one shake in the morning.

Larry: What is he doing in here?

Message for Paula.

There you go. All right, we're not ordering lunch.

Paula: Thank you.

Now that I have your undivided attention...

Larry: Call the pharmacy--

Larry, please.

Okay, I'll come out in a minute.

Thank you.

Continue.

Well, you see, something's come up as very urgent.

The structural engineers were here this morning

to examine the earthquake damage,

and they found two huge cracks in the roof.

So the studio has given us first option

of moving to another safer stage.

Danny DeVito canceled.

Whatever we do, we should move quickly on this

because the engineers have assured me

that the next big aftershock will cause us serious trouble.

Oh, my god. Why did DeVito cancel?

His agent said he won't be feeling well tonight.

Yeah, I've had that.

They're offering us stage two, stage nine, or stage 12.

You know, Paula, if I'm not mistaken,

this is the third time this month that a guest

has canceled with some flimsy excuse.

Are you getting firm commitments or what?

Yes. Are you, Paula?

I-I-I can't be held responsible for certain personality types.

Well, what does that mean exactly?

It means that there's certain performers

with certain neuroses and mental shortcomings

that make it completely impossible for me

to deal with them on a normal level.

What does she mean by that?

I haven't a clue. What do you mean?

Well, perhaps the fact that we pay them scale

and send them home with a piece-of-shit T-shirt and hat.

Steady... All right, this shouldn't,

uh, sound like I'm criticizing you.

It should not.

I, in fact, uh, appreciate the effort

that you put into your job each day.

Well, certainly you must have some idea.

No? Well, thank you!

You're doing a great job.

What's wrong?

If I don't get Danny DeVito booked back for tonight,

Larry's going to fire me and I'm fucked.

Oh, I'm sure you're not "F"ed.

Just say it. No, I'm not gonna say it.

Just say fuck, say it. I'm not gonna say it.

And what did Larry say to you that's got you so scared?

Okay, what he said was,

"I really appreciate the effort

"you put into your job each day."

Oh, girl, you are fucked.

Ugh.

I don't think she's right.

I don't think she's got the right personality.

I think she's too...

Uh, abrasive?

No, it's a... Brusque.

No...

Incapable of putting a performer at ease

because she has a basic contempt for the business.

Yes.

But it's imperative that I speak to Mr. DeVito in person.

I see. May I call him at home?

Okay, then. Thank you.

And screw you, you glorified 10%-taking butt boy.

Paula, again, no personal calls at work.

Sure, Larry.

Now, listen, this hat that we give the guest,

is it adjustable, is it one size fits all?

It's a piece of crap.

But it's in the shape of a hat?

No, really, Larry, it's kind of embarrassing

because even the "Arsenio" people give out bathrobes

with his big ol' triangular shaped head on the back.

Well, is that a, a, an embroidered, actual embroidered patch

or is it a... iron-on patch or what, do you know?

I, I don't know.

But really, I've been meaning to talk to you about this

because, of all the talk shows, our gifts have the biggest bag.

Okay, so there's a bag, too? Mm-hmm.

Larry, you must make the decision immediately.

Did you know that Arsenio gave robes?

What does Letterman give?

Oh, don't answer that, Phil.

Now, damn it, if this stage caves in,

you won't need bathrobes, you'll need body bags.

Well, evidently, we already give a bag.

Join me in the kitchenette.

Please? Fine.

I just, uh, want to say again what a great job you're doing

and how much I appreciate it.

I got Danny DeVito back.

You did? I did.

Larry! Excuse me.

(phone ringing) Yeah?

How did you get DeVito back? I didn't.

Well, don't you think that's kind of like a problem?

Not if I kill myself before 5:30.

We give the worst gift in the business, do you know that?

This whole thing with the guests falling out

is starting to make sense to me.

Do you even see me standing here?

Or is there just my suit floating in space?

What is that supposed to mean?

Because you're not listening to me.

You don't even see me.

I'm talking about priorities, man.

Now, will you just promise me that you will think

about which stage we should move to?

Don't worry about my priorities.

My priorities are in perfect order, Artie.

This is the exact robe Arsenio gave?

Uh-huh.

Well, you know, it's very thick.

I don't like feeling this heavy when I come out of the shower.

Well, you know, those are made to be seen,

not to be worn. Uh-huh.

They're made to hang in your closet

so when someone looks in there,

they say, "Oh, you've been on 'Arsenio.'"

Right, which is what you want. That's actually-- yeah.

And you could put my face on the back.

Sure. Let me see your profile.

Turn-- oh, you got enough on your mind.

Well... Oh, that would make a great robe.

Beautiful robe, sure.

In a thirsty terry cloth, forget about it.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know, what does, uh, Leno give, do you know?

Milk chocolate necktie.

He does? Well, those are probably meant to be eaten,

not worn. (laughs)

(Danny DeVito on phone) Paula, I can't do the show tonight.

That's why I canceled. I'm very busy.

I thought you said you weren't feeling well.

There's that, too.

How did you get this number?

What are you doing?

Get out. I'm on the phone.

Danny: Hello?

Is that Suzanne Pleshette? Phil, get out!

Danny: I'm hanging up now.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm here.

Um, you're doing a movie. What's it called?

Danny: It's called "Junior."

That sounds really interesting.

Why don't you tell me a little bit about it?

That isn't gonna work with me.

Listen, this isn't a personal rejection of any kind.

But please, don't call me anymore.

Do you understand? Yes.

Good-bye. (dial tone)

So we're back, basically,

to the paperweight digital clock combination

which you can put my face on.

You seem set on having your face on something.

Well, I just think that's what the guests would like.

I think it would be more meaningful to them.

Well, it's more personal. Let me show you something.

Whoopi Goldberg mug.

That is nice. This is nice.

I like this.

Although, you know, I feel a little awkward

knowing that strangers are putting their lips on my head.

"War of the Roses" is one of Larry's favorite films.

Did I mention that?

Danny: This is getting very sad.

Do you have any shame at all?

Listen, you can come in and do the show,

it'll take you 20 minutes, 30 minutes tops.

I have another scene to film.

I have to shoot a spot for the juvenile diabetes people

and I'm really not feeling well.

I'm hanging up now. Mr. DeVito...

What? You made a commitment to us.

Does that mean anything to you?

Good-bye. Mr. DeVito...

(dial tone)

Paula, I need the interview notes on the potato lady.

The potato lady, I will have those typed up for you

in 30 minutes.

Ah, don't give me that half-an-hour bull.

I need them in 10 minutes.

Larry's gonna look at them while he eats his melon.

Well, I like this better than the robe.

Still don't quite see it.

Well, try jogging a little. It's a jogging suit.

So this could actually-- this is meant to be worn.

Excuse me, Larry.

Oh, are you working out with your trainer?

Because Hank would like to see you.

Well, send him in.

Okay, Larry, Hank and I were just wondering

if we were gonna move to a different stage,

because these aftershocks really scare-- (Hank clears throat)

Whoa, is that one?

No, that was Hank clearing his throat, I believe.

He's right outside the door. Thank god.

Because I have the same bad feeling I did

just before the big earthquake.

(clearing throat)

I'm like a dog that way.

I just have a very bad feeling.

Uh, am I, am I interrupting?

Did you, did you want to see me?

I'm looking at new gifts for the guests here.

Oh, I gotcha.

What, is that one of the contenders?

Yes, it is.

Well, I-I think mirrors make very beautiful gifts.

Tell me something, is Larry thinking about firing me?

No, what makes you think that?

Because twice today he said I was doing a really good job.

Oh.

I didn't know he said it twice. Mm-hmm.

You got Danny DeVito on board tonight, don't you?

You bet.

Well, you got nothing to worry about, sweetie.

(Beverly clears throat)

You're digging a mighty deep hole over there.

Good, then I can jump in

after I shoot myself in the head.

Wait a minute, Paula, hold up.

Paula, hold up!

Girl, are you out of your mind?

You must be crazy. Shh.

I need a really big favor from you.

What?

Hi, I need the number

for the Los Angeles Juvenile Diabetes Foundation

or Association or whatever it is.

I got to go out and do some errands.

I need you to prepare the potato lady interview questions.

I have no idea how to do that.

That has never stopped me before.

Just think of whatever you would ask a potato lady.

And that's all there is to it?

And put question marks at the end

so Larry knows that they're questions.

Ohh...

Jimmie Walker: Hey.

Jimmie, what are you doing here?

The show starts in a half hour.

I ordered the Larry Sanders jogging suits.

I think the guests are gonna love 'em,

and the guy says he can have 'em all delivered by tonight.

That's great.

You know, I know you love this old building.

It's been lucky for us, but, uh, right now

we're taking our lives in our hands

by standing under a cracked roof!

He's putting my photo on the inner thigh.

Ah, goddamn it. (chuckles)

Well, maybe you're right.

Maybe it should be the outer thigh.

Ah, have you even looked at the interview questions

for the potato lady yet?

No, I haven't, I've been really busy.

Larry just won't listen to me anymore.

Oh, Arthur, that's not true.

Larry thinks of you as a close friend and a trusted adviser.

Oh, cut the crap. Don't talk to me

the way I would be talking to me.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Is he on something?

No, just the same two things.

Except I think he took 'em together today.

Well, he had the pepperoni pizza for lunch.

That should soak it up. Where's Paula?

I don't know, she's around here somewhere.

Why? What's wrong?

These potato lady questions are terrible.

What-- well, what would you ask the potato lady?

That's Paula's job.

I don't want to talk to the fucking potato lady.

Director: And... action!

Hello, I'm Danny DeVito.

You know, juvenile diabetes affects over 120 children

in this country--

Oh, all right, okay, I'm sorry.

120,000 children in this country.

All right, let's do it again. Let's just do it again.

I know, 120,000 children in the country-- I got it.

No, I'm Paula from "The Larry Sanders Show."

Hi.

Oh, for god's sake.

Um, I think it's just tremendous

what you're doing here for juvenile diabetes.

And I don't know if you know this,

but Larry has low blood sugar.

It's not the same.

Is it?

It's not the same. Listen--

What are you, crazy coming in here?

I'm sorry, but as it happens,

we tape just two sound stages over.

And it would be so wonderful if you could--

one second-- if you could just hop right over

and do our show, it'd be just fabulous.

I said no. How many times do I have to say no?

Do you know what no is?

Are you telling me that you can't walk 200 feet

to plug your own movie?! No, this is ridiculous.

It would be great exposure,

and it would prevent Larry from firing me, please.

Jesus.

Oh, that's great. Bill Clinton.

Very topical. Yeah, for a couple more years.

Listen, uh, Larry, I-I-I think I got something

live in the fifth at Santa Anita tomorrow.

You want a, you want a piece?

No. No--

come on now, it's too coincidental.

Look at this, the name of the horse,

Larry's Valentine.

Jockey, Hank Espinoza.

The trainer's name is Bill.

Bill, just like the guy who writes for us.

Phil.

No, it's Bill, see--

Phil is the name of the guy who writes for us.

Listen, you want to get in on this or don't you?

Just say so.

I don't want to get in on this.

Fine, that's it. Fine.

(lowers voice) Take the Clinton joke out.

Paula?

Paula, please? (distant cheering and applause)

Yes.

What is the deal with, uh, Danny DeVito?

Oh, you know him, he's always late.

He is not always late.

He's usually here a couple hours ahead of time

just to tell me how much he hates doing talk shows

and how uncomfortable he is...

He'll be here.

Well, I hope so.

What, what is the plan if he's not here?

Jimmie Walker is prepared to stretch.

Crime is terrible.

I don't have to tell you guys, you know what's going on.

And criminals now are just getting away with everything.

I don't know if you guys saw this in New York City.

Guy robs a lady in the subway.

The cops come, they try to stop this guy.

The criminal refuses to stop, they shoot the guy in the back,

paralyze the criminal,

the criminal sues the transit system

for $4.5 million.

And he won the case.

Now he's suing Nike

'cause he says if he had better sneakers,

he'd be able to run faster and never got caught.

It's amazing what is going on.

You know... So let me, let me, let me get this out right now.

All right. I got to do it.

I'm, I'm over here doing a thing, shopping...

Is Danny DeVito really on his way?

I have no idea. They kicked me off his set.

Deeper, deeper, deeper.

(gasps) I could call David Copperfield

and ask him to do the show.

He owes me one. I'll bet he does.

(chuckling)

These things are unbelievable.

Listen, we're gonna take a break. Take a break.

And when we come back-- you're gonna stay with us.

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, we'll be right back with Jimmie Walker

and the potato lady coming up.

Where is he? He's in makeup.

One more segment with the potato lady

and then Danny-- I'm not doing a dumb segment

with the potato lady.

Here. What is that?

Thomas Jefferson.

(audience laughing)

This is a very exciting development.

Well, now let me ask you this.

Have you ever eaten a raw potato?

You don't... Well, you know,

I have such a personal relationship with them that...

What were you thinking about with these potato questions?

I got to go.

What were you thinking of?

You know, Artie, I did eat a raw potato once

and the taste was quite unusual.

I thought it was a good question.

I never had the bad feeling worse than I do right now.

I would have to say, uh...

I-I-I got to tell you the truth, I'm torn,

but Madison is who it looks like to me.

I would take another guess if I were you.

I see.

Well, show it to-- let Hank take a look.

Okay, um, you know, people call me

from all over the country.

Whoa, the coloring. Yes.

And I, I travel and I pick up potatoes

in various states.

Let me hold that up to the camera. Yes.

Hank, does that look like any of the...?

Can you get a close-up of this?

It's... rather smart.

It's, uh, I think it's Lincoln.

Ah. Did Hank get it?

Yes, Hank got it.

(cheering and applause)

We'll come right back with, uh, Danny DeVito.

Stay tuned.

Danny DeVito after this commercial break.

(cheering and applause)

Where's Danny?

You're so great with the potato lady.

Where is he?

Here he is, great!

Hi. Where do you want me?

Oh, could you give me some water?

Sure, coming up. Water, thanks.

Good to see you. Hi.

Thanks for coming on. All right.

Any problem? I mean, you're a little late.

Was there something-- Late?

I just decided five minutes ago to do the show.

What do you mean, late? What do you mean?

Five minutes ago you decided to do the show.

Well, your booker, she said that you were gonna fire her

if, if I didn't show up.

I don't want that on my conscience... Uh-huh.

She's troubled.

Here you go.

Back in 20 seconds.

Would you walk with me a second?

Yeah. See you out there.

All right.

Did you tell Danny DeVito that I was gonna fire you

if he didn't do the show?

I didn't use those exact words.

Well, do you realize what inappropriate behavior that is?

Do you realize how badly that reflects on me?

Am I fired now?

I'll talk to you after the show, okay?

(cheering and applause)

Welcome back. We're back.

And, uh...

we've had a terrific show so far.

I want to thank Jimmie Walker and the potato lady

who were terrific.

My next guest is a terrific friend of mine.

He's currently filming a new movie called "Junior,"

which will be out, uh, in time for the holidays.

And he's a very funny man, I'm one of his biggest fans,

Mr. Danny De... (rumbling)

Okay, we just had a little, uh...

Was that an aftershock? I believe it was.

Okay, well... (clears throat)

no big deal, we live in Southern California,

we dress in Southern California.

And we do a show in Southern California.

Hank, sit down. Let's not overreact.

Okay. (glass shattering)

Another one?

Why don't we, uh, take a break

and let Hank collect himself and we'll be right back.

Man: We're clear.

God, now I look like one of those pussies

who got under the desk.

It's nothing to worry about.

Welcome to Shakytown. Enjoy the music.

Art, Art, this is ridiculous. Yeah.

We got to move to another stage.

Oh, really? Yeah.

I could've gotten killed out there.

Did you see that?

We've got to get out of this building.

And we will, we will. All in good time.

Now, I want you to do me a favor.

I want you to breathe.

Come on, I want you to-- good, good.

Now, while you're doing that,

I want you to tell me,

do you have any good or bad feelings

about, oh, any of these names?

Daddy's Girl, breathe.

Lucky Lindy, Hot to Trot.

Any feelings at all?

Jim Dandy. Hot to Trot.

Okay, I knew it. Breathe.

Stage two, stage nine, or stage 12.

Two.

Stage two. Or nine.

Two or nine, I don't know.

I can't make a decision right now,

but we got to get out of here, this is...

Hey, hey, hey, guys, whoa.

Look, I'm outta here. I'm gonna go.

I appreciate you inviting me down to do the show,

but I'm gone. Wait a minute, what do you mean?

We haven't even done your segment yet.

You're next.

Yeah, well, look, if I'm gonna die,

I want to die with my family, not with Jimmie Walker

and the weirdo with the doughnuts.

Potatoes? The potato lady?

Whatever. Yeah, yeah.

Well, if you stay, we've got a beautiful gift for you.

Unbelievable. No, no, no, look.

All right, look, I already got a Larry Sanders T-shirt.

But this is a Larry Sanders jogging suit.

I got plenty of jogging suits.

Not like this, this is a, this is a multicolored...

The jogging suit is just a wrapping, sir.

Inside you'll find a lovely silver desk clock

from Tiffany.

Silver plate?

Solid silver, Mr. D. Swiss movement.

All right, I'll see you out there.

It's a lovely clock. I ordered six dozen.

All right, listen, uh,

they can put my face on those, right?

Oh, hell yes, we can put your cock on it.

As long as it's not the hour hand.

Eddie, go up to my office,

bring down that clock on my desk, will you?

The silver one, you know,

the one that Larry gave me for Christmas last year.

(cheering and applause)

I want to say that I think the segment with Danny DeVito

went really, really well.

And I think that you were extremely hilarious

with the potato lady.

Yeah, well, I think we all know that.

The issue is, is that you told Danny DeVito

that I would fire you if he didn't do the show.

Yes, I did, but in my defense, Larry, I got to say that

about three times a week to get guests to do the show.

You do? You wouldn't believe the lengths I have to go to.

The other week when Tom Hanks tried to back out,

I had to cry and feign illness.

I mean, Muffin Mania gifts. It's endless.

All right, I don't need to know the process, Paula.

Just don't lie to me anymore about the guests.

That's all I ask.

Okay. Good?

Yes. Artie: Well, that's settled.

Good, let's move on.

Who do you have on tap for tomorrow night?

Bob Uecker, Shari Lewis, and the seashell man.

And Sting.

Larry: Oh, we got Sting?

You betcha. Great.

♪ ♪