All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S03E04_English

Jason Alexander?
Larry:
Mm-hmm.

Uh, only if we can't get
Michael Richards

or Jerry Seinfeld.

So Jason Alexander?

That's excellent,
and he'll be on with...

Jackson Browne
and Marilu Henner.

Mary Lou Retton?
Marilu Henner!

Oh, thank god,
the last thing we need

is Larry on those
uneven bars again.

Who's on for tonight?

Danny DeVito,
Jimmie Walker,

the potato lady
and The Breeders.

Uh, rock band.
Oh, my gosh.

Good one, Artie.

Oh, I liked
their first album.

The second one was
a disappointment.

So, uh...

Larry, what, we've got now,
we've got Danny DeVito,

Jimmie Walker, uh,

the potato lady,
and The Breeders.

How does that sound, Larry?

Great.
That looks great.

They got the stain--
come a little closer.

Wow, they got the stain
completely out.

I can't believe it.

We'll, we'll use them, uh,

as our regular dry cleaner
from now on.

Tell Darlene I said hi.

What'd you think
of the lineup tonight?

No, I'm listening.
Like it?

Yeah.
Once again, Paula.

Danny DeVito,
Jimmie Walker,

The Breeders
and the potato lady.

Are we ordering lunch?

No, Hank, we are not.

Oh, because I heard someone
mention potatoes,

and I-I can have those
on my new diet.

Hey, that's good to know, buddy.

Right now, we're in a meeting
about booking.

Why, why is Larry in here?

Well, Larry likes
to be involved

in deciding
who the guests will be.

Are we ordering lunch?

Hold on, hold on, Beverly,
we're ordering lunch, I think.

Is there a menu?
We're not ordering.

Well, what's Hank doing here?

Hank, I'll keep you
advised, okay?

Please do, because I only have
the one shake in the morning.

Larry:
What is he doing in here?

Message for Paula.

There you go.
All right, we're not
ordering lunch.

Paula:
Thank you.

Now that I have
your undivided attention...

Larry:
Call the pharmacy--

Larry, please.

Okay, I'll come out
in a minute.

Thank you.

Continue.

Well, you see, something's
come up as very urgent.

The structural engineers
were here this morning

to examine
the earthquake damage,

and they found two huge cracks
in the roof.

So the studio has given us
first option

of moving
to another safer stage.

Danny DeVito canceled.

Whatever we do, we should move
quickly on this

because the engineers
have assured me

that the next big aftershock
will cause us serious trouble.

Oh, my god.
Why did DeVito cancel?

His agent said he won't be
feeling well tonight.

Yeah, I've had that.

They're offering us stage two,
stage nine, or stage 12.

You know, Paula,
if I'm not mistaken,

this is the third time
this month that a guest

has canceled
with some flimsy excuse.

Are you getting firm commitments
or what?

Yes.
Are you, Paula?

I-I-I can't be held responsible
for certain personality types.

Well, what does that mean
exactly?

It means that
there's certain performers

with certain neuroses
and mental shortcomings

that make it completely
impossible for me

to deal with them
on a normal level.

What does she mean by that?

I haven't a clue.
What do you mean?

Well, perhaps the fact
that we pay them scale

and send them home
with a piece-of-shit
T-shirt and hat.

Steady...
All right, this shouldn't,

uh, sound like
I'm criticizing you.

It should not.

I, in fact, uh,
appreciate the effort

that you put into your job
each day.

Well, certainly
you must have some idea.

No?
Well, thank you!

You're doing a great job.

What's wrong?

If I don't get Danny DeVito
booked back for tonight,

Larry's going to fire me
and I'm fucked.

Oh, I'm sure
you're not "F"ed.

Just say it.
No, I'm not gonna say it.

Just say fuck, say it.
I'm not gonna say it.

And what did Larry say to you
that's got you so scared?

Okay, what he said was,

"I really appreciate
the effort

"you put into your job
each day."

Oh, girl, you are fucked.

Ugh.

I don't think
she's right.

I don't think she's got
the right personality.

I think she's too...

Uh, abrasive?

No, it's a...
Brusque.

No...

Incapable of putting
a performer at ease

because she has a basic
contempt for the business.

Yes.

But it's imperative that I speak
to Mr. DeVito in person.

I see.
May I call him at home?

Okay, then.
Thank you.

And screw you, you glorified
10%-taking butt boy.

Paula, again,
no personal calls at work.

Sure, Larry.

Now, listen, this hat
that we give the guest,

is it adjustable,
is it one size fits all?

It's a piece of crap.

But it's in the shape
of a hat?

No, really, Larry,
it's kind of embarrassing

because even the "Arsenio"
people give out bathrobes

with his big ol' triangular
shaped head on the back.

Well, is that a, a,
an embroidered, actual
embroidered patch

or is it a... iron-on patch
or what, do you know?

I, I don't know.

But really, I've been meaning
to talk to you about this

because, of all the talk shows,
our gifts have the biggest bag.

Okay, so there's a bag, too?
Mm-hmm.

Larry, you must make
the decision immediately.

Did you know
that Arsenio gave robes?

What does Letterman give?

Oh, don't answer that, Phil.

Now, damn it,
if this stage caves in,

you won't need bathrobes,
you'll need body bags.

Well, evidently,
we already give a bag.

Join me in the kitchenette.

Please?
Fine.

I just, uh, want to say again
what a great job you're doing

and how much
I appreciate it.

I got Danny DeVito back.

You did?
I did.

Larry!
Excuse me.

(phone ringing)
Yeah?

How did you get
DeVito back?
I didn't.

Well, don't you think that's
kind of like a problem?

Not if I kill myself
before 5:30.

We give the worst gift in
the business, do you know that?

This whole thing
with the guests falling out

is starting
to make sense to me.

Do you even see me
standing here?

Or is there just my suit
floating in space?

What is that supposed
to mean?

Because you're not
listening to me.

You don't even see me.

I'm talking
about priorities, man.

Now, will you just promise me
that you will think

about which stage
we should move to?

Don't worry
about my priorities.

My priorities are
in perfect order, Artie.

This is the exact robe
Arsenio gave?

Uh-huh.

Well, you know,
it's very thick.

I don't like feeling this heavy
when I come out of the shower.

Well, you know,
those are made to be seen,

not to be worn.
Uh-huh.

They're made to hang
in your closet

so when someone looks
in there,

they say, "Oh, you've been
on 'Arsenio.'"

Right, which is what you want.
That's actually-- yeah.

And you could put
my face on the back.

Sure.
Let me see your profile.

Turn-- oh, you got enough
on your mind.

Well...
Oh, that would make
a great robe.

Beautiful robe, sure.

In a thirsty terry cloth,
forget about it.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know, what does, uh,
Leno give, do you know?

Milk chocolate necktie.

He does? Well, those are
probably meant to be eaten,

not worn.
(laughs)

(Danny DeVito on phone)
Paula, I can't do
the show tonight.

That's why I canceled.
I'm very busy.

I thought you said
you weren't feeling well.

There's that, too.

How did you get
this number?

What are you doing?

Get out.
I'm on the phone.

Danny:
Hello?

Is that Suzanne Pleshette?
Phil, get out!

Danny:
I'm hanging up now.

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm here.

Um, you're doing a movie.
What's it called?

Danny:
It's called "Junior."

That sounds
really interesting.

Why don't you tell me
a little bit about it?

That isn't gonna work
with me.

Listen, this isn't a personal
rejection of any kind.

But please,
don't call me anymore.

Do you understand?
Yes.

Good-bye.
(dial tone)

So we're back, basically,

to the paperweight
digital clock combination

which you can put my face on.

You seem set on having
your face on something.

Well, I just think that's
what the guests would like.

I think it would be more
meaningful to them.

Well, it's more personal.
Let me show you something.

Whoopi Goldberg mug.

That is nice.
This is nice.

I like this.

Although, you know,
I feel a little awkward

knowing that strangers are
putting their lips on my head.

"War of the Roses" is one
of Larry's favorite films.

Did I mention that?

Danny:
This is getting very sad.

Do you have any shame
at all?

Listen, you can come in
and do the show,

it'll take you 20 minutes,
30 minutes tops.

I have another scene
to film.

I have to shoot a spot
for the juvenile diabetes people

and I'm really not
feeling well.

I'm hanging up now.
Mr. DeVito...

What?
You made a commitment to us.

Does that mean
anything to you?

Good-bye.
Mr. DeVito...

(dial tone)

Paula, I need the interview
notes on the potato lady.

The potato lady, I will have
those typed up for you

in 30 minutes.

Ah, don't give me
that half-an-hour bull.

I need them in 10 minutes.

Larry's gonna look at them
while he eats his melon.

Well, I like this
better than the robe.

Still don't quite see it.

Well, try jogging a little.
It's a jogging suit.

So this could actually--
this is meant to be worn.

Excuse me, Larry.

Oh, are you working out
with your trainer?

Because Hank would like
to see you.

Well, send him in.

Okay, Larry, Hank and I
were just wondering

if we were gonna move
to a different stage,

because these aftershocks
really scare--
(Hank clears throat)

Whoa, is that one?

No, that was Hank clearing
his throat, I believe.

He's right outside the door.
Thank god.

Because I have the same
bad feeling I did

just before
the big earthquake.

(clearing throat)

I'm like a dog
that way.

I just have
a very bad feeling.

Uh, am I,
am I interrupting?

Did you, did you want
to see me?

I'm looking at new gifts
for the guests here.

Oh, I gotcha.

What, is that one
of the contenders?

Yes, it is.

Well, I-I think mirrors
make very beautiful gifts.

Tell me something, is Larry
thinking about firing me?

No, what makes you
think that?

Because twice today he said
I was doing a really good job.

Oh.

I didn't know
he said it twice.
Mm-hmm.

You got Danny DeVito on board
tonight, don't you?

You bet.

Well, you got nothing
to worry about, sweetie.

(Beverly clears throat)

You're digging a mighty
deep hole over there.

Good, then I can jump in

after I shoot myself
in the head.

Wait a minute,
Paula, hold up.

Paula, hold up!

Girl, are you
out of your mind?

You must be crazy.
Shh.

I need a really big favor
from you.

What?

Hi, I need the number

for the Los Angeles
Juvenile Diabetes Foundation

or Association
or whatever it is.

I got to go out
and do some errands.

I need you to prepare
the potato lady
interview questions.

I have no idea
how to do that.

That has never
stopped me before.

Just think of whatever
you would ask a potato lady.

And that's all
there is to it?

And put question marks
at the end

so Larry knows
that they're questions.

Ohh...

Jimmie Walker:
Hey.

Jimmie, what are you
doing here?

The show starts
in a half hour.

I ordered the Larry Sanders
jogging suits.

I think the guests
are gonna love 'em,

and the guy says he can have 'em
all delivered by tonight.

That's great.

You know, I know you love
this old building.

It's been lucky for us,
but, uh, right now

we're taking our lives
in our hands

by standing
under a cracked roof!

He's putting my photo
on the inner thigh.

Ah, goddamn it.
(chuckles)

Well, maybe you're right.

Maybe it should be
the outer thigh.

Ah, have you even looked
at the interview questions

for the potato lady yet?

No, I haven't,
I've been really busy.

Larry just won't listen
to me anymore.

Oh, Arthur,
that's not true.

Larry thinks of you as a close
friend and a trusted adviser.

Oh, cut the crap.
Don't talk to me

the way I would be
talking to me.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Is he on something?

No, just the same two things.

Except I think he took 'em
together today.

Well, he had the pepperoni
pizza for lunch.

That should soak it up.
Where's Paula?

I don't know,
she's around here somewhere.

Why?
What's wrong?

These potato lady questions
are terrible.

What-- well, what would you
ask the potato lady?

That's Paula's job.

I don't want to talk
to the fucking potato lady.

Director:
And... action!

Hello, I'm Danny DeVito.

You know, juvenile diabetes
affects over 120 children

in this country--

Oh, all right, okay,
I'm sorry.

120,000 children
in this country.

All right, let's do it again.
Let's just do it again.

I know, 120,000 children
in the country-- I got it.

No, I'm Paula
from "The Larry Sanders Show."

Hi.

Oh, for god's sake.

Um, I think
it's just tremendous

what you're doing here
for juvenile diabetes.

And I don't know
if you know this,

but Larry has
low blood sugar.

It's not the same.

Is it?

It's not the same.
Listen--

What are you,
crazy coming in here?

I'm sorry,
but as it happens,

we tape just two
sound stages over.

And it would be
so wonderful if you could--

one second--
if you could just
hop right over

and do our show,
it'd be just fabulous.

I said no. How many times
do I have to say no?

Do you know what no is?

Are you telling me
that you can't walk 200 feet

to plug your own movie?!
No, this is ridiculous.

It would be great exposure,

and it would prevent Larry
from firing me, please.

Jesus.

Oh, that's great.
Bill Clinton.

Very topical.
Yeah, for a couple more years.

Listen, uh, Larry,
I-I-I think I got something

live in the fifth
at Santa Anita tomorrow.

You want a,
you want a piece?

No.
No--

come on now,
it's too coincidental.

Look at this, the name
of the horse,

Larry's Valentine.

Jockey,
Hank Espinoza.

The trainer's name
is Bill.

Bill, just like the guy
who writes for us.

Phil.

No, it's Bill, see--

Phil is the name of the guy
who writes for us.

Listen, you want to get in
on this or don't you?

Just say so.

I don't want to get in
on this.

Fine, that's it.
Fine.

(lowers voice)
Take the Clinton joke out.

Paula?

Paula, please?
(distant cheering and applause)

Yes.

What is the deal
with, uh, Danny DeVito?

Oh, you know him,
he's always late.

He is not always late.

He's usually here
a couple hours ahead of time

just to tell me how much
he hates doing talk shows

and how uncomfortable he is...

He'll be here.

Well, I hope so.

What, what is the plan
if he's not here?

Jimmie Walker is prepared
to stretch.

Crime is terrible.

I don't have to tell you guys,
you know what's going on.

And criminals now are just
getting away with everything.

I don't know if you guys saw
this in New York City.

Guy robs a lady in the subway.

The cops come,
they try to stop this guy.

The criminal refuses to stop,
they shoot the guy in the back,

paralyze the criminal,

the criminal sues
the transit system

for $4.5 million.

And he won the case.

Now he's suing Nike

'cause he says
if he had better sneakers,

he'd be able to run faster
and never got caught.

It's amazing
what is going on.

You know...
So let me, let me, let me
get this out right now.

All right.
I got to do it.

I'm, I'm over here
doing a thing, shopping...

Is Danny DeVito really
on his way?

I have no idea.
They kicked me off his set.

Deeper, deeper, deeper.

(gasps)
I could call David Copperfield

and ask him
to do the show.

He owes me one.
I'll bet he does.

(chuckling)

These things
are unbelievable.

Listen, we're gonna
take a break.
Take a break.

And when we come back--
you're gonna stay with us.

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, we'll be right back
with Jimmie Walker

and the potato lady
coming up.

Where is he?
He's in makeup.

One more segment
with the potato lady

and then Danny--
I'm not doing a dumb segment

with the potato lady.

Here.
What is that?

Thomas Jefferson.

(audience laughing)

This is a very exciting
development.

Well, now let me
ask you this.

Have you ever eaten
a raw potato?

You don't...
Well, you know,

I have such a personal
relationship with them that...

What were you thinking about
with these potato questions?

I got to go.

What were you
thinking of?

You know, Artie,
I did eat a raw potato once

and the taste
was quite unusual.

I thought it was
a good question.

I never had the bad feeling
worse than I do right now.

I would have
to say, uh...

I-I-I got to tell you
the truth, I'm torn,

but Madison is who
it looks like to me.

I would take another guess
if I were you.

I see.

Well, show it to--
let Hank take a look.

Okay, um, you know,
people call me

from all over the country.

Whoa, the coloring.
Yes.

And I, I travel
and I pick up potatoes

in various states.

Let me hold that up
to the camera.
Yes.

Hank, does that look
like any of the...?

Can you get a close-up
of this?

It's... rather smart.

It's, uh,
I think it's Lincoln.

Ah.
Did Hank get it?

Yes, Hank got it.

(cheering and applause)

We'll come right back
with, uh, Danny DeVito.

Stay tuned.

Danny DeVito after this
commercial break.

(cheering and applause)

Where's Danny?

You're so great
with the potato lady.

Where is he?

Here he is, great!

Hi.
Where do you want me?

Oh, could you give me
some water?

Sure, coming up.
Water, thanks.

Good to see you.
Hi.

Thanks for coming on.
All right.

Any problem? I mean,
you're a little late.

Was there something--
Late?

I just decided five minutes ago
to do the show.

What do you mean, late?
What do you mean?

Five minutes ago
you decided to do the show.

Well, your booker, she said
that you were gonna fire her

if, if I didn't show up.

I don't want that
on my conscience...
Uh-huh.

She's troubled.

Here you go.

Back in 20 seconds.

Would you walk
with me a second?

Yeah.
See you out there.

All right.

Did you tell Danny DeVito
that I was gonna fire you

if he didn't do the show?

I didn't use
those exact words.

Well, do you realize what
inappropriate behavior that is?

Do you realize how badly
that reflects on me?

Am I fired now?

I'll talk to you
after the show, okay?

(cheering and applause)

Welcome back.
We're back.

And, uh...

we've had a terrific show
so far.

I want to thank Jimmie Walker
and the potato lady

who were terrific.

My next guest is a terrific
friend of mine.

He's currently filming
a new movie called "Junior,"

which will be out, uh,
in time for the holidays.

And he's a very funny man,
I'm one of his biggest fans,

Mr. Danny De...
(rumbling)

Okay, we just had
a little, uh...

Was that an aftershock?
I believe it was.

Okay, well...
(clears throat)

no big deal, we live
in Southern California,

we dress
in Southern California.

And we do a show
in Southern California.

Hank, sit down.
Let's not overreact.

Okay.
(glass shattering)

Another one?

Why don't we, uh,
take a break

and let Hank collect himself
and we'll be right back.

Man:
We're clear.

God, now I look like
one of those pussies

who got under the desk.

It's nothing to worry about.

Welcome to Shakytown.
Enjoy the music.

Art, Art,
this is ridiculous.
Yeah.

We got to move
to another stage.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

I could've gotten killed
out there.

Did you see that?

We've got to get out
of this building.

And we will, we will.
All in good time.

Now, I want you
to do me a favor.

I want you to breathe.

Come on, I want you to--
good, good.

Now, while
you're doing that,

I want you to tell me,

do you have
any good or bad feelings

about, oh,
any of these names?

Daddy's Girl, breathe.

Lucky Lindy,
Hot to Trot.

Any feelings at all?

Jim Dandy.
Hot to Trot.

Okay, I knew it.
Breathe.

Stage two, stage nine,
or stage 12.

Two.

Stage two.
Or nine.

Two or nine,
I don't know.

I can't make a decision
right now,

but we got to get
out of here, this is...

Hey, hey, hey,
guys, whoa.

Look, I'm outta here.
I'm gonna go.

I appreciate you inviting me
down to do the show,

but I'm gone.
Wait a minute,
what do you mean?

We haven't even done
your segment yet.

You're next.

Yeah, well, look,
if I'm gonna die,

I want to die with my family,
not with Jimmie Walker

and the weirdo
with the doughnuts.

Potatoes?
The potato lady?

Whatever.
Yeah, yeah.

Well, if you stay, we've got
a beautiful gift for you.

Unbelievable.
No, no, no, look.

All right, look, I already got
a Larry Sanders T-shirt.

But this is a Larry Sanders
jogging suit.

I got plenty of jogging suits.

Not like this, this is a,
this is a multicolored...

The jogging suit is just
a wrapping, sir.

Inside you'll find
a lovely silver desk clock

from Tiffany.

Silver plate?

Solid silver, Mr. D.
Swiss movement.

All right,
I'll see you out there.

It's a lovely clock.
I ordered six dozen.

All right, listen, uh,

they can put my face
on those, right?

Oh, hell yes, we can put
your cock on it.

As long as it's not
the hour hand.

Eddie, go up to my office,

bring down that clock
on my desk, will you?

The silver one,
you know,

the one that Larry gave me
for Christmas last year.

(cheering and applause)

I want to say that I think
the segment with Danny DeVito

went really, really well.

And I think that you were
extremely hilarious

with the potato lady.

Yeah, well, I think
we all know that.

The issue is, is that
you told Danny DeVito

that I would fire you
if he didn't do the show.

Yes, I did, but in my defense,
Larry, I got to say that

about three times a week
to get guests to do the show.

You do?
You wouldn't believe
the lengths I have to go to.

The other week when Tom Hanks
tried to back out,

I had to cry
and feign illness.

I mean, Muffin Mania gifts.
It's endless.

All right, I don't need
to know the process, Paula.

Just don't lie to me anymore
about the guests.

That's all I ask.

Okay.
Good?

Yes.
Artie:
Well, that's settled.

Good, let's move on.

Who do you have on tap
for tomorrow night?

Bob Uecker, Shari Lewis,
and the seashell man.

And Sting.

Larry:
Oh, we got Sting?

You betcha.
Great.

♪ ♪