All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S03E03_English

Hank:
Applesauce.

No, no, I-I'm kidding,
it says "Applause."

Ray, do me a favor,
could you flick that once?

(applause)

All right.

Now, remember,
you're all, you're all

a big part of the show,

so the better you are,
the better Larry is.

Okay, now you see this
gentleman?

Yeah, he's give me this, uh,
this sign and it says...

"We're on in ten seconds," so
get ready to have a good time.

All right, here we go.

This is exciting,
isn't it?

Man:
In... five, four,
three, two!

♪ ♪

Hank:
Live on tape from Hollywood,
"The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight,
join Larry and his guests:

John Cusack, Justine Bateman.

Musical guest Garth Brooks
and me, "Hey now" Hank Kingsley.

And now because he needs you
more than you need him,

Larry Sanders!

(cheering and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

That is a...

Thank you, wow.

There's always...

You are...

(cheering and applause
continues)

You are, may I say--
May I say this?

May I say this
with all sincerity,

you are an exceptionally
hot crowd

for the middle of the week.

(cheering and applause)

As we all know and I think as we
all care deeply in our hearts,

America's favorite couple,
Tom and Roseanne have split up.

But to prove that his career is
not in trouble,

Tom was recently
seen dating Tim Allen.

(audience laughing)

A recent study says that
76% of college seniors--

This is unbelievable,
listen to this, Hank.

A recent study says that
76% of college seniors

are sexually active,

but only 50% of college
freshmen are.

So, I have one message too all
of you young people out there.

Stay in school.

(cheering and applause)

You know, you see the athletes
preach that.

You see
the politician preach that.

But only I, Larry Sanders,
can say, "Stay in school,

you may yet get laid."

(cheering and applause)

John Cusack, Justine Bateman,
Garth Brooks.

No flipping,
we'll be right back.

We have a great show,
we'll be right back.

(cheering, music)

Had tonight's show
a rudder and a sail,

it would've won
America's Cup!

What is wrong with you?

I thought it was more
like the Indy 500.

No, it's three points
from outside!

Swish, nothing but net.

All right,
shake it off.

Beverly, would you
do me a favor?

Call Jason Alexander
and ask him if the Laker
tickets he has are--

Wait, could you hold
for one moment?

Would you ask him if the Laker
tickets he has are floor seats?

And don't let him know
that I'm asking about it.

Everything all right?
Who's that?
Okay.

It's the guy from
Tower Records.
Oh, did he get the album?

Larry, he said
it would really help

if you knew the name
of the song or the artist.

Just can't get it,
I heard it on the radio...

Well, sing it.
It's a woman, it sounds...

(singing indistinct tune)

(singing)

You sing it to him.

If I think of it,
I'll come back.

(door closes)

Hi, yes,
yes, he is talented.

Carry the six, four and seven,
that's 11.

Carry the one, that's...
1,500 on the nose.

Told you. Someone is stealing
money from my ATM account.

Well, let's see,
you've got a doctor's
prescription mixed up in here.

What is this? Rectiman.

That sounds familiar,
what's that for?

For what it sounds like,
that is for nasal congestion.

Look at this one.

Who would take $200 from
a 7-Eleven in San Luis Obispo?

Beautiful country up there.

Yeah.

Who has access
to your ATM account?

My business manager.

And his assistant.

My agent.

Gardener and housekeeper.

So, technically your
account is a big slush fund

for the entire Pacific Rim.

Just how bad
is the nasal congestion?

It burns, you know,
when I inhale.

Uh-oh.

Uh, Larry, here are your new
ties for the Friars Roast.

Oh, this is a beauty.

Armani.

And, uh...

Jason Alexander's seats
are in the loge.

The loge?
Yes, in the loge.

In the loge?
The loge.

Call him and tell him that--

That you're busy tomorrow night
but thank you anyway, okay.

These are two pastel-ish.

Well, you're the one
who said peach.

No, I said, uh, plum.

No, you didn't say plum.

I said plum.
I heard--

Okay, well, maybe you said
plum but you said peach.

Anyway, Larry, here's your mail
and your ointment.

Tennis elbow.

It's my tennis elbow
ointment, right?

Yes.
Good.

I wasn't gonna ask.

Oh, Larry, your father called.

Oh, what does
he want this time?

I don't know.

Well, would you
handle it for me?

Larry, sooner or later, you're
gonna have to talk to the man.

No, I don't,
no, I don't.

Yes.
I'm getting relief already.

He's going out tonight,
right?

Yeah, dinner with
Carrie Fisher.

Remind him to wipe the
Rectiman from his elbow.

Beverly on intercom:
Larry, your father's
on the phone again.

Larry, pick it up.

Don't go out that door, Larry.

Okay, we've done
"Hank's a lot,"

so now let's make these
"Hey now."

(knock on door)
Yeah?

Hi.
Hey!

Well, uh, geez, I wish you'd
given us a little warning.

This, uh, place is a pigsty.

Come in, come in.

Please, uh, sit.

Uh, no, not there,
uh, Darlene spilled.

Sorry.

It's okay over here?

Absolutely, make
yourself at home.

Good.

Sorry.
Relax, just relax.

(nervous chuckle)

You realize this is the only
the second-- second time

that you've paid us
the honor of a visit.

Oh, that doesn't seem possible.
Is that right?

It is, isn't it?
Yes.

It is, and I have the photo
to prove it, July 12, 1991.

I remember.

Oh.
Thank you for coming.

Come on, cut it out.

These are non-fat, enjoy.

No, thank you.
Sure?

Well, over here.

Um... terrific, isn't she?

Oh, she's the best.
Yeah.

I wouldn't know
what to do if she left me.

I-I couldn't brush my, uh, my
teeth without her, literally.

(clearing throat)
Do you, um...

are you, um...

Do you have trouble, uh,

trusting anybody who
handles your finances?

You're having
money problems, huh?

No, just some of the numbers
don't add up right, you know?

I don't need the details.
Give me the figures.

50,000.

Dammit!
You know...

I'd like to do this,
but I'm having--

It's a little hard
for me to swing right now.

I'll tell you why, um...

I'm having some plumbing
problems down in the, uh,

uh, the Look Around Cafe,
and, um...

I'm just kidding,
I don't need any money.

Not even a loan.

(laughing)
I know that, I know that.

I'm doing well.
I know.

Hey, listen, but if you
ever did... name a figure.

Thanks, that's how
I see it the same.

Beverly on intercom:
Uh, Hank, is Larry in there?

'Cause his father's
on the phone.

(whispering)
I'm not in right now.

No, he's not.

Beverly:
Look, Hank, don't lie to me,
I am not in the mood.

Um, he's here, he's here.

(camera clicks, whirring)

(Larry whispers)

Oh, Mr. Sanders?
I just tracked him down.

He'll be in his office
in a second.

Okay, just hang on.

Beverly?

I hope you're not
badgering our Larry.

He's a grown man, sweetie.

If he doesn't want to talk to
his daddy, he doesn't have to.

Do you think I enjoy
chasing him down, Artie?

I've done my share of chasing
him down, sweetheart.

I find it invigorating,

the thrill of the hunt,
et cetera.

Well, when I came here,
when I took this job,

I came here
under the assumption

that I was to do his schedule
and return his phone calls,

not play family therapist
and do his tie shopping

and pick the tomatoes
out of his salad.

Darling, the job is to keep
our little host happy,

whatever that takes.

Well, sometimes I think
it takes too much.

And do you think
it would kill him

if he could just say
"thank you" just once?

I thank you from
the bottom of my heart.

Larry's man.

I swear if I looked any
fatter...

Oh, knock it off,
you look terrific.

No, yeah.

Lar, why don't you wanna
talk to your dad?

'Cause he's a pain in the ass.

No.

Now you listen to me, Lar.

Lar-- Larry?

My father left us.

I never had the chance
to say the things

that I always wanted
to say to him, and I--

I don't want you to make
the same mistakes I've made.

Listen, believe it or not,
neither do I.

Hello, Dad?

Hey.

Listen, did you get
to see the show last night?

Well, we had
Jonathan Winters on,

and I know he's one
of your favorites.

I thought you
might've seen it.

Well, no, I know
it's on late.

Yeah.

Well...
(chuckling)

Yeah.

Have you seen any of 'em?

Yeah.

Well, listen, uh, you--

Oh, you wanna come and visit.

When-- when are you
thinking of visiting, Dad?

Tomorrow?
Tomorrow.

Perfect. No, I look forward
to that.

I'll send you the ticket.

Yeah.

First Class, yes.

Yes, and I'll have Beverly
pick you up.

Yes, I can do all of that.

What else?

It's all yours.

Beverly?
Yes?

Would you get the tape
of the ocean sounds?

My father's coming tomorrow.

I'm gonna be lying face down.

Gave me some sand
and some sea urchins.

Dammit, I just kept calling you
Kramer out there.

I'm sorry.

No, that's all right,
it's an easy mistake.

It's just that I love
the show so much,

and I just keep getting you
and your character mixed up.

(chuckling)

Well, that, that's-- 'cause I,
I play George on the show.

Michael Richards plays Kramer.

Well, you keep up
the good work.

I'll see you soon.
Okay, I hope so.

Hey, Jason.

Good job, bad audience.
Really?

Excellent as always.

My boy, when are they going
to give you your own show?

Beverly:
Artie, telephone!

I'll be back
for that answer.

Uh, listen,
I'm sorry that, uh,

Hank kept calling you Kramer.

Ah, that's--
uh, he apologized.

Yeah, it could've been worse.

He could've been
calling you Elaine.

That's what he called
Tim Allen last week.

Really?
Oh, man.

Uh, well, listen,
you're welcome anytime back.

Great, thanks. Hey, Larry,
listen, what's, uh--

What's the chance of you making
that Laker game this week?

Oh, well, gee...
Oh, I'm sorry-- you know what?

You're not free.
No.

Just can't make it.

Oh, really, I'm sorry, 'cause
the greatest thing happened.

You know, we had these
crappy loge seats.

And Ovitz calls me,
and he's giving us

front-row seats
right next to Nicholson.

That's-- that's gonna be wild.
Really?

Did you say Wednesday?
No, no, it's Thursday.

Oh, you know what,
you're free on Thursday.

Good.

Oh, great!
So, I'm in.

So come with us,
this is great.

Steve Guttenberg's going and,
you know, we'll go to the game

and hang out afterward.

Thursday...
(mumbling)

Oh, God, wait a minute,
I'm confused,

Um, wrong day here.

You're not clear on Thursday.

Shit.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Oh, oh, some other time.
Too bad.

Hey, I'll call you,
we'll get together.

Great, I hope so.

Good job, keep up the good work,
the show is great, really.

Oh, thanks,
we're a big hit.

Hey, listen, Jerry says
you're doing great.

The monologues are really
getting funny now.

Take it easy, Larry.

Is my father here yet?
Yes, he is here.

We just got back
from the airport,
traffic was horrendous.

Would you walk with me?
Where is he?

'Cause he's in your office.

Come on.

Would you come here, please?

My father's in my office.
Would you mind helping me?

What do you want me to do?
Take him to dinner?

Get him hammered,
a couple of hookers?

No, no, that would be overkill.
Just be yourself.

Hey, Jerry,
how the hell are ya!

It's always a delight to greet
my second favorite Mr. Sanders.

Hello, Arthur.

Dad, how are you?
Hello, Larry.

I've been better.
Yeah.

But all in all,
I can't complain.

Well, how'd you like the show?

I didn't get
a chance to see it.

Oh, just 20 yards
that way, Dad.

Yeah, I was kind of worn out
after the plane ride.

Uh-huh.
Had an aisle seat.

I guess Beverly didn't know
I prefer the window.

Yeah, well, that'll
knock it out of you, Dad.

So, what are you boys gonna do
for fun while you're out here?

I, uh...
(clears throat)

cleared some time, whatever--

Jerry:
I really didn't come for fun.

I just had to get away
from Karen for a while.

We've been arguing again.

Yeah, I know.

Artie...

Post-show critique?

What?
Post-show critique?

Gotcha! Sure, right away.

We have to do
the post-show critique, Dad.

I'll be back
in a few minutes.

You want some coffee?

Do you have ice tea?

Yeah, I think so,
I'll check.

You look terrific, Jerry.

I won't keep your
boy but a second.

(sighs)

Just one more minute.

Geez, Larry,
you've been 45 minutes.

Your father gonna spend
the night in there?

You know, I think
it's the housekeeper

that's been taking my money.

I guessed that yesterday.

Yeah?
Nice tie, by the way.

Oh, thanks, just something
I picked up.

Yeah, it looks familiar.

Yes, I've had it for years.

Okay, tah-tah.

Hi.

Where's Dad?
Huh?

He's in the office.

Ooh, fathers and sons.

Fathers and sons.

Things that look alike.

Things that, uh,
go camping together.

Oh, stop it.
Most male relationships.

Would you stop it?
You joke.

But the father and son thing,

that's the most difficult
dynamic there is.

Now, all I'm saying is
you gotta settle it

with this gentleman
before he...

Dies.

Yes.

And believe me, you're--
you're gonna thank me

for this when he's...
Dead.

Phil, how do you
get the Flying Toasters
off of this thing?

Oh, like this.

Well, that's
one way, I suppose.

When you got money for me
the other day,

you didn't give anybody
my ATM password by
any chance, did you?

No. But, uh, you gotta
admit that L-A-R-R-Y

is pretty easy to guess.
Yeah, I changed that.

Oh, you changed it?
Yeah.

What, to Sanders?
Hardy-har-har.

Uh, Larry, uh, I don't
mind talking to your dad.

I don't even mind going out
and getting his ice tea.

But I still have to
update your daily log

and call the guy
about your socks.

Okay, listen, we have to change
my ATM password, Beverly.

Why?
Phil guessed it.

And, uh, this is your son.

Uh, this is Billy Crystal.

And, uh...

I just think it's very
important for you to, uh...

uh, get a sense of what
your son is doing

especially since
he does it so very well.

Only wish my dad
could've seen my work.

But by the time I got my,
uh, first big boat show,

he was, um...

Oh, this is the night that
H. Ross Perot was on the, uh...

You're, what, a sidekick?

Yes, sir.

Second banana.

(laughing)

You know, I like to think
of myself as, uh...

second in command--
Here you go.

Like Ed McMahon.

Exactly like Ed McMahon.

That's a pretty sweet deal.

Take home a big paycheck

just for holding down
a couch and selling crap.

Wow.

You know, for just a split
second there,

you reminded me of
the old man himself.

Henry Joseph Kingsley,
that's, uh--

Is this Diet Coke?

I asked for Classic Coke.

No, I think, uh-- actually,

I think you asked
for Diet Coke, sir.

I don't think so.

Here, let me
get that for you.

Larry:
Beverly, would you
do me a favor

and hand me that pair
of underwear over there?

And also, would you get me
another dozen,

maybe, uh, half this color,
half black?

Okay.

Artie:
You look very sporty.

Larry:
You think so?
You like 'em?

Artie:
Terrific!

Beverly, I thank you from
the bottom of my heart

for handing Larry
his undies.

Larry thanks you, too,
don't you?!

Artie, please.

Uh, Beverly, do me a favor
and get Larry's father

the hell out
of my office.

Larry:
Hank?

Um...

Larry, your father's
a big pain in the ass.

Mr. Kingsley has just
left the building.
Right.

Larry:
You know what?
It's all right.

I know Hank is right.

I hate to agree with Hank,
but I guess it's so.

Larry:
No matter what you do for my
dad, I swear to God,

there's never a thank you.

Like it would kill him.

Come on out of there,
let's see that rig!

Well, you know,
that's all you see

in this outfit
is my rig, I think.

Could you have the apple,
please?

Because I'm really
crashing, do you--

You said you wanted
an orange.

Fine, anything at
this point.

Turn around,
will you, please?

Beverly, you spent
a lot of time with my father.

I mean, what do you think?

Oh, all I know is
it's the most frustrating

thing in the world
trying to please someone

that doesn't appreciate
anything you do.

That is exactly right.
(spits)

We gotta get
the seedless ones next time

if you're gonna do this.

You're, um, welcome, Larry.

Can we cut the sketch?
I look like an asshole.

A funny, silver asshole.

Even better.
(chuckling)

I know who
stole your money.

Do I have any extra expenses
this month that you know of?

Uh, why do you ask?

Because there's 1,500 missing
from my ATM account.

I know, I took it.

You took it.

Yes, I took it.

If you wanted to know why,
why didn't you ask me and I
would've told you.

Well, it never would've
crossed my mind to ask you

'cause I wouldn't think
you'd be stealing from
my ATM account.

I would never steal from you.

Well, then what do you
call this?

I would never steal
from you, Larry!

Well, here it is,
how do you explain this?

Well, because
three months ago,

you had me drive to Encino
looking for a paint chip

from your decorator.
Uh-huh.

I spent three hours
in traffic, Larry.

That's three hours for a paint
chip, so I charged you.

It seems to me your salary
covers that kind of thing.

It was on a Sunday, Larry.

Yeah?
So, I charged you.

And I charged you
when you had me driving

all over Los Angeles looking
for peach-colored ties for you.

I charged you.

And I charge you for picking up
your frozen yogurt

at 7:00 every morning
so that you can

have the first batch
out of the machine.

Every morning?
That is not my job.

I'm tired.

I'm tired, Larry.

I'm tired of cleaning
your ointment applicators.

I am tired of begging your
father to come see the show

so that you can feel
good about yourself.

Did you ask my dad
to come and see the show?

What did he say?

Forget it, okay?
Forget it.

Well, what, what--
Forget what?

What, what is it?

You want, you want a raise,
is that it?

Larry, this is not
about money.

Well, then--
if there's some job you're
not comfortable doing,

just ask the weird
intern to do it.

This is not about
the workload either.

Well, then what is it?

Larry, this is about people

who take other people
for granted,

who can't even say thank you

or appreciate anything
you try to do for them.

What did my father
do this time?

The Post Office wants to
increase the cost

of first-class stamps
from 29 cents to 32 cents.

This is, well,
it's due to the fact...

(audience groaning)

Due to the fact that disgruntled
postal workers say they need

the extra revenue because of the
rising cost of ammunition.

(audience laughing)

We'll be right back.

No flipping.

(cheering and applause)

(music playing)

Uh, you've got a speck
next to your nose

on your left side right there.

Skin cancer.

Don't look now,
but Sanders the elder

is sitting in our
fair audience.

You're kidding
Where?

10:00, next to
the blonde woman

with the tank top
and espadrilles.

My God.

I can't believe
he's actually here.

Oh, yeah, there was a definite
negative vibe out there.

That's why your monologue
went right in the dumper.

Shut up, Hank.

That's not why the monologue
went into the dumper.

Do you know
this is the first time

he's ever come to see me
perform?

You're kidding?
No.

He never thought
I would make it.

No, he's just been bitter.

Well, if I spent 30 years
selling office equipment,

I'd be bitter about
damn near everything.

Um, Larry, here's
your butt cream and, um,

Beverly said that
you might want some yogurt
for after the show?

We're in the middle
of a show right now.

Raspberry, okay?

Any toppings?
Would you please? Pecans.

What is that?
This is for poison oak.

Oh.

Man:
Back in five, four,
three, two and...

(cheering and applause)

As you can tell...

(applause)

As you can tell,
tonight is the night

we do the regular
feature of our show,

"Food sent back to the kitchen
by famous stars."

Uh, that, that is correct,

and Chef Kingsley
and Chef Sanders

take you on a tour of Southern
California's finest kitchens.

Now, what is the first item
on tonight's menu...

Chef Sanders?

And don't be thrown by the fact
that I'm not wearing the hat.

(audience laughing)

Nevertheless, a chef.

This was returned
by Sinead O'Connor,

sent back, uh,
pasta sent back

because there was
a hair in it.

(audience laughing)

Sinead O'Connor.

There was a hair in it.

(applause)

You know, before we get on with
this, may I take a second?

My father is, uh,
visiting here,

and I would be remiss
if I didn't introduce you
to my father.

He's been visiting
for a couple days.

Dad, stand up in the audience
and say hello--

Let the people
say hello to you.

Stand up for a second.

(cheering and applause)

Larry:
There he is.

That is my dad,
and I wanna say,

Dad, it's been great
having you here

visiting this week and, uh...

everything I got, uh,
comedy-wise I owe to you.

You're a terrific man
and I love you very much.

(applause)

Oh, you just reminded me
of my mother

who is watching tonight.

Well, that's all right.
And I'd like to say, Mom--

Hank, Hank, let's go on
with the--

You know, I should take one more
second while I--

while I've just
introduced my dad

and just say to my assistant
Beverly who I know is watching,

uh, I hope is watching,
is probably not watching.

But thank you, Beverly, for
everything you've done, I...

(applause)

I appreciate it a lot.

Thank you very much.

Hank:
You know, there's a young lady
named Darlene...

Well, "F" me.

Hank:
I'd like to say...

Larry:
Would you hand me
the next one, please?

(chuckles)

I think we've peaked
and yet...

This is--
oh, this is simply,

of course, a...

Uh...

Let me just get this open.

(Hanks chuckles)

(chuckling)

I mean, this'll just take a
second.

This one...

No, you don't wanna open...

The prop department--
Yes, no?

This one I really
wanna get open

because this is the one
we've been saving, folks.

This is the--

You know, you hope that when
you do a bit like this

and something comes out
that is... this is, you--

Rarely do you have the
confidence to know this
is worth the trouble.

And for some reason--
why did the prop...

This, of course,
was sent back...

This is a plate
licked clean by Roseanne.

(audience laughing)

There it is, a plate licked
clean by Roseanne.

What you did for your father
tonight, I salute you.

You're finally turning into the
man I always thought you were.

Thanks, thanks.

Where is he? 'Cause I wanna
see if he liked the show.

He loved it.

But he left.
You're kidding?

He had to catch an early plane
to Pittsburgh.

He sends his love.

Left right after the
Marilu Henner segment.

Well, that segment dragged
anyway, didn't it?

What you said about Beverly,
hey, that was sweet.

Yeah. I don't do that
often enough.

Why is that?

I wonder where that
trait comes from.

Yeah...
(laughing)

Hey, Artie,
I was looking for you.

Jason.
Hey, buddy, we gotta go.

Going to the Lakers game.

Oh, okay, well,
have a good time.

Tell Guttenberg I said hi.

Oh, uh, Steve called,
he can't go, he's sick,

so I asked Julia Roberts
to come along.

Boing. Ahh!

See ya, kid!

Hey, Paula?
Hang on.

Um, do you think Beverly would
like flowers every Friday?

Absolutely,
she'd love that.

Okay, can you do me a little
favor? Can you--

Here's some Fro-Yo,
fresh out of the machine.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I wanted blueberry.

And, uh, there's no pecans,
but thanks.

Thanks!

I can't send her flowers,

and I can't ask her to send
flowers to herself.

I'll do it.
So, I'm kind of--
would you mind?

Yeah, I'll do it, I just need
to know how to pay for it.

We'll, I'll give you--
do you have a pen?

I'll give you my ATM password.
I have it.

Well, no, I just changed it.
It's "Leno" now, right?

Beverly?

♪ ♪