Original subtitles

I don't see it. What section is it in?

It's in Howard Rosenberg's TV review.

I love this.

"There's a new wrinkle in the late night world.

"Having survived round one of the talk show wars

"and a two-month drug rehab in Montana,

"Larry Sanders is far from home-free.

"Sources say a Montana woman

"is preparing to publicly allege

that she is pregnant with Sanders' child."

You know, these tabloids,

they just make this stuff up,

and if you guys had any sense at all, you'd know that.

Beverly, it's not a tabloid, it's the "L.A. Times"

Let me see that, where?

Right there. What does it say?

"Preparing to publicly allege"?

Well, if you're gonna cover your butt that much,

why print it at all, huh?

She's a nut. Look at that picture.

You can see the craziness in her eyes.

That's Shelly Long.

You know, I'm prepared to publicly allege

that Larry fondles my buttocks whenever I go into pitch jokes.

How much you think I'd get for that?

Million, million and five, depending upon

if you can prove your buttocks is a source of income.

Well, not since college.

Good morning, Larry.

Good morning.

Paula, is Mimi Rogers confirmed for tonight?

Paula: Yes, she is, I just spoke to her agent.

Excellent.

Anything good in the paper this morning?

No. "Baywatch" was renewed.

Oh good, good, good.

Anybody see that article about that woman in Montana

who claims she's having my baby?

Mmm. No.

Well, thanks for lying through your teeth,

I appreciate it.

Although I hope the thing about "Baywatch" is true.

Is it true? I don't know.

Guy, would you excuse us for a moment? Take two.

Is his name Guy?

No, he's just a guy.

Larry, about this item in the "L.A. Times"--

irresponsible yellow journalism, innuendo that is repugnant.

I did not sleep with that woman from Montana.

No?

No. Just checking.

I haven't even met anyone I've liked in the last six months,

why do you think I'm so excited about Mimi Rogers?

Hey, I get some on a nightly basis.

I'm still excited about Mimi Rogers.

You get some what on a nightly basis?

Some of this, some of that.

You don't wanna know.

Do you? No.

Lousy bags of crap.

What, did Roseanne and Tom take your spot again?

No. I'm just-- I'm just so sorry about that Montana woman thing.

Now listen, how do you want to play it on the air?

I... want to handle it the exactly the same way

we handled that drunk driving incident in '89, okay?

Okay, gotcha.

Good. Nice tie by the way.

Oh thanks, it was given to me

by the Chamber of Commerce of Pittsfield, Maine.

Oh, that would explain the lobster.

How's that?

Maine, lobster.

Uh, I got it. You're working on a bit. I'll play along.

Maine lobsters.

(cheers, applause)

And, uh, what a good crowd.

This is the best crowd we've had all week. Hank: Fabulous.

We have the, uh, Fly By Nights

and the marvelous Mimi Rogers will be out in just a minute,

and she is great.

And, Hank, that's a nice tie you got there.

That is a-- Thank you.

Speaking of ties there's something else that

I'd like to get off my chest if I may.

This morning, Monday morning, uh,

it was ruined by someone dumping a heap

of garbage on my front porch.

(chuckles) That usually happens on Tuesday mornings,

doesn't it? That's why it threw you.

No, the heap of garbage that

I am referring to is the "Los Angeles Times."

All right, Artie says we have to keep moving along.

I mean, you got a loony out in Montana, who cares?

Right, gang? Larry: All right.

(applause)

I mean, I once had a woman and-- do we have time for this?

I once had a woman-- I don't think we need to--

I don't think we need to get into the details of this. Artie says--

She followed me across seven states,

and she was quite a fruitcake, I can tell you that.

All right, some things are left best to the imagination.

Her name was Cindy Halloran.

All right, something.

Cindy Halloran from Pensacola, thank you very much.

We'll be right back...

with the Fly By Nights and Mimi Rogers,

Don't flip around.

Listen, Hank, what the fuck are you doing out there?

I had to bleep you. Bleep me, why?

What? Cindy Halloran, Pensacola, Florida?

That fruitcake? If we'd let that thing air,

we would've had a lawsuit as big as the great outdoors.

I bleeped her last name, so there's no problem.

Yeah, well, I got a problem.

I mean the people are going to think that

I called her Cindy Fuckpot or something.

Of the Philadelphia Fuckpots. Do you recall at all

how we handled the drunk driving situation in '89?

Yes, I recall. Do you?

Yes. I, uh-- you said, uh--

I said-- I said nothing.

We didn't bring it up on the air. Do you recall?

I'm sorry. Nothing.

I'll apologize

when we come back on the commercial.

I'm so sorry.

I'll have to bleep you again.

Oh please, no, in six years

I've only been bleeped the one time.

God, don't remind me.

Okay, I happened to say the word "cum," so what?

In front of Jessica Tandy.

Oh, that cry baby,

she's heard all this shit before.

Artie. Yeah.

Nothing.

Man: In five, four, three...

And he did not-- did not become nude

in this movie.

No, well, you don't become nude.

I mean, he didn't take his clothes off.

You become nude. I've read that about you.

No, I don't become nude.

No, what you're thinking is that I'm very becoming nude.

That must be it.

My next guests are two of the finest jugglers.

We have them on the show as often as we can.

Please give a warm welcome to the Fly By Nights.

The Fly By Nights.

Would you like a piece of gum?

Just half.

Do you wanna go out some time?

You don't waste any time.

Well, they're only on for three and a half minutes,

so I thought I get right to it.

You doing anything tonight?

Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm not--

I'm not really comfortable having a date

if you're going through this weird thing

that I read about in the paper.

I'm not going through anything. I swear to you, that is

just blown out of proportion.

Come over to my house, we'll have dinner.

Want to do that?

We could watch ourselves on TV.

We can watch ourselves on TV, we have a lot in common.

I thought Mimi was terrific.

That should win the Nobel Prize for chemistry.

I hope so, don't forget to submit me. Please?

You know, during the commercial we really hit it off, too.

She said she likes juggling, I like juggling.

Sometimes the magic just appears.

Well, you know, we are a variety show.

(knocks on door)

Boy, do I have a big surprise for you, Mr. Larry Sanders.

Now get this, I'm up in the audience

passing out "Hey Now" buttons after the show,

and this lovely-- this charming young lady walks up to me,

and she introduces herself as your cousin.

Really? Patricia?

No, no, this is the cousin-- so I've been told--

that you haven't seen for 16 years and, uh,

you know, that's not right, Larry.

So as a very special surprise, let's give a big hello to,

your cousin, hey now, Mary Beth.

Hi, Larry.

Welcome, young lady,

I'm always glad to meet a new twig

from the Sanders family tree.

This is not my cousin.

I'm Mary Beth Nagler,

from Montana. I'm having Larry's baby.

Give me the button.

I am-- I'm so sorry Larry.

We have a problem, Larry, don't we?

Well, uh, maybe it's something

we should sit down and talk about if you want to.

That might be good 'cause "Hard Copy" is offering me

$5,000 to talk to them.

Artie: Young lady, am I to understand

you are blackmailing Mr. Sanders?

(laughs hysterically)

I just wanted to let you know in case

you wanted to do something.

Do you wanna do something, Larry?

Move another inch towards Larry,

I'll take you down hard.

Oh, I like the way you talked about us on the show.

One day, I'll be able to show the baby that tape and say, "That's your daddy."

Wonderful, Hank. Are you insane?

Yes, I think I'm insane. I don't-- I don't know.

She's in the audience.

Is she the only one?

Did you run across some Muslim extremists

who'd like to meet Larry?

Would you get my attorney on the phone, Beverly?

(dials)

Woman on phone: Good morning, "L.A. Times"

Yeah, Howard Rosenberg's office, please?

Woman: Hold on.

Hello, Howard?

This is Hank Kingsley.

Kingsley.

Listen, and this is off the... record.

But I don't know where you're getting this crap

about Larry Sanders.

But it has got to stop, it is a non-story.

And I understand you gotta fill your column,

but don't fill it up with crap, otherwise you end up

with what we call in our business a crap column.

Uh-huh, listen, listen,

I've got something much, much better.

Um, this is hard. I was...

I was personally abused as a child.

No, not sexually, physically. Yeah.

I was beaten and I was kicked, you know, that sort of thing.

Well, who do you think did it?

The other kids, that's who.

So I think we should just pay her off,

give her the $1,000 more than "Hard Copy"

and be done with the whole mess.

Lloyd, what do you think? If somebody finds out you paid her off,

it would look like an admission of guilt.

Roy, there is no way the woman is pregnant

with my child, all right?

But I'm telling you, the longer this drags out,

the more people start to believe it.

Michael Jackson wrote a check.

Guilty.

All right, look, okay, okay, fine,

let's not write the check, okay?

What do we do?

Well, let's go over the facts

so they're straight in my mind, all right?

You do not know this woman, correct?

No. Very good.

You never met her?

No, I may have seen her someplace you know,

but I don't know her. Then you saw her?

Where did you see her, Larry?

I saw her in a restaurant with a group of people but, I never--

oh, I don't know her. You never spoke?

No.

So, you never spoke?

What am I? I feel like the Menendez brothers.

Oh, what those boys did.

Look, Lloyd, I meet a lot of women.

He does. Maybe I talked to her,

maybe I said hello.

What, you can't get pregnant from saying hello,

unless you say it to Warren Beatty. (laughter)

All right, just take it easy. I'll look into it.

Thank you. Don't worry, we'll come up with something.

That's it? Yeah, for now.

Good.

All right, what did that cost me, Lloyd?

Oh let's see, $750.

Make it an even seven. Don't tell anybody.

I'll be in touch. See you later.

Mm-hmm. Arthur. Thanks a lot, Lloyd.

Lloyd: You bet. (door closes)

You didn't tell me you talked to her.

Oh, Jesus, come on.

You want some lunch? Nope.

Wanna play basketball? No.

You want to go shopping?

Buy yourself something extravagant to cheer yourself up?

Yeah.

Me and Tom Snyder,

shoving match right in the Thrifty parking lot.

Uh, no, you're right,

you're right, that didn't happen.

Roseanne didn't marry her assistant either.

She gets to make up this stuff, why the hell can't I?

Hey, hey, am-scray,

I'm on the one-phay.

I'm sorry, Howard. Uh, okay, let me see.

I'll run through these and see if anything works for you.

Okay, I'm afraid of the dark.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

This is hard.

Red wine gives me hives.

I got a special thing for... Asian ladies.

I found a more powerful lens.

Mimi: I'm not seeing anything. It's all just blurry.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Oh, my god, that is Kevin Costner's house.

Yeah. Let me see.

That's amazing.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, it's clear tonight.

Normally, you can only see to Whitney Houston's.

What? Normally you can only see to Whitney Houston's house,

but it must be very clear tonight.

Can I see it?

Here, I'll show you Whitney Houston's.

There.

Uh, can you help me focus?

No. That's better.

Is that-- Oh, I'm really having fun tonight.

Are you? Yeah.

Oh, that's it, that's perfect.

(door bell ringing)

Are you, uh, expecting someone?

No. If that's Kevin Costner,

make sure that we pretend we were just looking at the moon, okay?

(laughs) Okay.

(door bell ringing) I'm coming! Jesus.

Hope you don't mind my dropping by at this hour.

(laughs)

What do you wa-- how did you get my address?

Are you gonna take care of the situation or what?

How did you get my address?

Oh, my God! Mimi Rogers?

I love you! I love you!

I loved you in "Star Wars." Oh!

I think you're confusing me with Carrie Fisher.

You are so great.

You know, after I saw that movie,

I started doing my hair in Princess Leia buns for months.

That's very flattering, thank you.

So did I, by the way.

This will just take a second.

Uh, this is not the time for you to be here.

Mimi, this is Larry's baby.

(chuckles)

Well, uh, congratulations, Larry.

Hello, gentleman.

Lloyd. (door shuts)

What are you doing, Larry?

I'm writing her a check, Lloyd,

and don't try to talk me out of it.

Maybe a check is the right way to go. Larry,

because I have checked around,

and this woman is definitely pregnant,

and there are a number of witnesses in Montana

who saw the two of you sitting in a car together.

That is bull. And there's more.

She says she's able to describe

distinguishing marks on your genital area.

That is... a lot of bull.

Tell me if it is.

She says...

"One larger birthmark with two smaller ones above it

at the base of the penis, forming a Mickey Mouse head."

(scoffs) That is not my penis.

Well, I have to address every piece of information as it comes along.

Larry, I'm gonna keep working on this, but just so you know,

it's starting to get a little tricky.

Yeah. Take care. I'll keep in touch.

Arthur. Good work.

What are we gonna do?

Jesus, Larry, she knows all about Little Mickey.

All right, look.

I was lonely, I was in a restaurant,

I started to talk to her.

Look, I ordered, she wrote it down.

She was a waitress?

No, she was one of the top people in the space program.

Yes, she was a waitress, Artie.

Tell me the story will you, god dammit?

All right, all right, so she gets off work, and I, uh,

meet her in the parking lot. We sit in my car and we talk.

What did you talk about, Larry?

About the distinguishing marks around your dick?

How else would she know?

It's embarrassing, Artie, we sat in the car.

Yeah, and then you buffed her.

No! What, do you think I have sex with women

I don't know in this day and age?

What is wrong with you? Sorry.

She gave me a handjob in the parking lot at Denny's.

(chuckles)

Why didn't you tell me about this sooner?

'Cause I hate myself!

I feel like a sleazebag, for God sakes.

There's nothing wrong with a handjob, Larry.

In my day, I've had plenty of 'em in far worse places

than a parking lot. I remember one time

I was visiting St. Patrick's Cathedral, it was a Thursday,

there weren't many people in the pews in the back and--

Yeah, that is the difference, you can get a hand job

any day of the week, I get one, and it ends up in the paper.

Price of fame, my boy.

"After all these years, everyone in Hollywood knows

"I'm an intelligent critic.

"Everyone except Hank Kingsley, that is.

"The veteran couch warmer kept me

"on the phone yesterday for 20 minutes, babbling

"about hives, Tom Snyder, and a predilection for Asian women.

"I know the television industry has more than its share of pathetic types,

but Kingsley has taken the prize."

I remember when the paper used to be nice,

now it's all full of lies.

Asian women, huh?

Has Hank seen this yet?

I don't know.

Call the "L.A. Times" and get that punk on the phone.

Morning, Hank.

Thank you.

Morning.

What do you think? Should I buy Larry a new paper

or just put this back on his desk?

Howard Rosenberg's office please?

Thanks.

Seems like a totally different show over here.

Well, quite right, Larry,

you gotta get out from behind that desk

every now and then, see how the other half lives.

Larry. Arthur.

How's it going?

That's what I wanna know.

Well, she's definitely pregnant.

We found the real father.

Huh?

He's a park ranger up in Bozeman.

Apparently, all the folks up there know she's had

a history of pulling little stunts like this.

I told you-- I told you guys she was crazy.

Oh, man, she's a beauty I'll tell you.

(Larry laughs) When we told her all about the real father,

she started calling reporters

with a new story. Now she claims, and get this,

she gave you a handjob in a parking lot.

(both laugh)

That is so pathetic.

I can't believe she stepped out of town with that one.

Ah, with a handjob in the parking lot at Denny's.

I didn't say anything about Denny's.

I think you did.

Yeah, somebody said Denny's. No, I didn't. Did I?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you said Denny's. Yeah.

Anyway, the important thing is,

her credibility is completely blown.

Nobody believes a word she says. It's over.

Thanks, Lloyd. That's great, Lloyd.

All right. My pleasure.

Wonderful work. Yes, sir.

Darlene, anything?

Yes, your mail is on my desk.

You have some calls, and these ladies are waiting to see you.

This is Kim Fujiwa-- hope I got that right--

and Jennifer Chen. And I'm sorry, I didn't get this lady's name.

Hank, Cindy Halloran from Pensacola.

I heard you mentioned me on the show.

Cindy, why you look-- you look great.

Why don't you wait in my office? We'll-- uh, we'll chat.

Good. Make yourself at home.

Call security, call security now.

Hello, ladies.

Konnichiwa.

Oh, you were terrific on the show by the way, we just, uh,

absolutely loved it, yeah.

You gotta come back again sometime. And, Mimi, listen,

I think we should try going out again.

Well, I know that was awkward,

but that problem has been taken care of.

Uh-huh, yeah.

No, I understand, but--

look, why don't I...

just come by, and we'll sit in the car,

you know, and, uh...

talk.

(theme music playing)