All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S03E01_English

(birds chirping)

Larry on TV: We're back
with Robin Williams
who is--

in case you're confused--

the man
to my immediate right.

Robin on TV:
Thank you.

Larry:
Now, tell us more
about your...

Robin: Baby?
...your baby.

Robin: He's wonderful.
I mean, he's hung like
a field mouse.

He's--
(audience laughs)

I mean you pop
the diaper and ping!

(Larry laughs)
It's like
a little sundial.

Look! It's amazing.

It's like you're going...
(whistles) "Oh, yes."

Larry: Honey, what time is it?
Get the baby.
Get the baby.

Look. Three o'clock.
Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, its 2:30 now.
It's real cold.

But it's a incredible thing.

It's-- having
a child like that,

it is amazing the effect.

The baby caca though,
you know--

you know that it is
like kryptonite for--

In the-- in the--
For the father. Yeah.

Even the dog looks at me like,
"You don't put his face in it."

You know?
(laughs)

"I think it would
stop him right away."

It's almost like--
I know that he's growing old,
because he is--

he's like-- he's eight months
he has his own will credit card

called Fetal Express.

(audience laughs)

Dialing up one of those
976-suckle, you know.

(laughs)

(feminine voice)
I'm waiting for you.

(audience laughs)

I'm lactating. Call me.

(car approaching)

Larry:
I think I like
the kryptonite suit.

That's actually
what it seems like.

Robin: It does.
It does look like--
I like that suit.

God bless you.
What is it, a Jap--
is it Japanese you said?

It is, and what is this?
This is Sears, right?

Yes, so they're
both Japanese, okay.

(laughter)
(TV stops)

(car door opens, closes)

(knocking at door)

Artie.

Hey, you look familiar.

It's me.

You goddamn mountain man.
Look at you, you look great.

Hey, buddy,
how's it going?

It's going great.
What you been doing, kid?

I gotta tell you, Artie,
I've been having a great time.

This is just the best thing

I've ever done,
moving to Montana.

Hey, take your jacket off,
let me get you something
to drink.

You got any Vodka?

Snapple's all I got.

I brought me own.
(chuckles)

Salty dog?

You read my mind.

Yeah, okay, okay.

God, it's great
you're here.

Yeah, you been catching
any fish?

Oh yeah,
get my limit most days.

Yeah. Been having a good
time in the woods?

Oh yeah, great.

Those photos
you sent me of this place
don't do it justice.

Looks a lot better than that.

Yeah, thanks. I've been, uh,
you know fixing the place up.

(bird calling)

You hear that? That's
my whip-poor-will, Artie.

It's not a whip-poor-will.

Oh yeah. Yeah, it is.
That's a whip-poor-will,
all right,

and you know what he does?

He lets me,
uh, just walk right up to him,

eats bread crumbs right
out of my hand.

Oh, Larry, it's a magpie.
They're scavengers, you know.

They feed
on roadkills, dead meat.

You know they carry rabies
and Lyme disease.

You better not take
a nap out on your porch,
they'll peck your eyes out.

Still, every day.

Mmm!
That's a stout drink, eh.

Mmm.

I saw those tapes.

Which tapes?

The complete years
of the "Larry Sanders Show."

(chuckles)
The ones in the closet?

Yeah.

Never been so miserable
in my life, Artie,
I swear to God.

Something's gotta give
cause I'm gonna end up
killing myself,

and I know someone
who can help me right up here.

There's a guy across--
Ah, c'mon, Larry,

I knew you wouldn't
be happy here.

You're a talk show animal.

You're like one
of those goddamn creatures
out of Greek mythology--

half man, half desk.

(bird chirping)
Get of the porch, asshole!

Artie, isn't there something
we can do to get my show back?

Anything?
Any possible way?

Can we just say
maybe that I suffered

a temporary lapse of sanity
or that-- mental exhaustion?

Or we could say
you had a drug problem,

you had to hide out in
Montana till you dried out.

I tell you, that's
the only surefire way I know
of avoiding embarrassment.

That's pathetic and
we should save that one

for when I really
have a drug problem,
don't you think?

Quite right.
Well, try this one
on for size.

What is this?
The network is suing
you for breach of contract.

Fuckers.
No, look at this.
This is splendid.

We can make it look
like the network had

to drag you back
kicking and screaming.

Say that I, uh, don't
wanna come back

but have to because
of this legal obligation.

Exactly.
You'll get your show back
and your dignity.

I love these fuckers.

Yeah, I'll drink to that.

Now, Larry, if I hurry,
I can catch the last plane
out of Bozeman.

I'll be in LA in the morning,
and I'll fix a deal

with Germain
and those network co-whores.

Well, wait, I'll--
I'll go pack up,

and then we'll--
I'll go with you.

No, no, no, no.
Yeah. Yeah.

You've got to stay here.

If you show up in LA,
you'll look desperate.

Well, I don't wanna
look desperate.

Why are you here?

What did you do,
take the first flight
after mine?

No. I took your flight.

Yeah?
Yeah.

I didn't want you to see me,
so I flew coach.
(chuckles)

I don't know
how people do it.

They don't give you
those little... towels,
little wet towels.

I had to wipe my face
with a pack of Sweet'n Low.

What did you think
of that book I gave you?

Did you finish it?
Oh yeah, I read it
on the plane.

Man, I can't believe Leno
actually hid in the closet

so he could hear
the whole network meeting.

It's a sickness
to be so obsessed

with what people
are saying about you.

I know that is a sickness.
What do people say about me

not being mentioned
much in the book?

Everybody in town's
talking about it.

Good.

Hey, you wanna see Hank?

Exactly 8:25.

Hank on TV:
Tonight-- for some
very lucky winner,

tonight's Super Spin Jackpot
is up to $3 million,

which means a lot of pesos
for some very lucky winner.

And by pesos,
I don't mean to imply
that someone

of Hispanic descent
is likely to win... again.

Okay, here we go.
(whirring)

The first number is...
say now, seven.

"Say now"?
"Say now."

Yeah, well,
he can't say "hey now."

That's the intellectual property
of "The Larry Sanders Show."

You're kidding?
What about "No flipping"?

Public domain, sorry.

Larry, listen to me,
it's very important

that you keep a low profile
while I negotiate.

Yeah, I'm just gonna start
assembling the staff tomorrow.

What did I just say?

Low profile.
Fine.

(rock music playing)

(music stops)
(coughing)

How long
have you been smoking?

Since the night you left.

You rally pulled the--

pulled the rug out
from underneath me,
Larry boy.

Okay. Can I crack
the window?

No, the...
(bangs)

goddamn thing doesn't work.
I'm taking it in tomorrow.
(taps on window)

(coughs)

You had it
on passenger window lock.

Is this what
you call "low profile"?

Two grown men sitting
in a car full of smoke?

Looks like a goddamn
Cheech and Chong movie.

Okay, all right.
Speed it up, will ya?

Yeah.

By the way that's
not a bad booking idea,
Artie, Cheech and Chong.

You know, well, he's the one
that took it the hardest.

Really? Really?
Oh yeah. Yeah.

I mean, the show
is all he had, Larry.

At least, thank god,
I have a skill.

That's why
the lottery people--

see, they just snapped me--
they snapped me up like that.

Yeah. They're lucky
to have you,

really lucky to have you.
Thank you.

But I'd like you to think about
coming back and doing the show.

C'mon, huh?
No, no, you know what the--

the lottery people,
you know they give me, Larry?

Free scratcher tickets?

(laughs)

They give me respect.

(exhales)

Well, just think
about it, okay?

No I don't think so.
I don't know, I don't know.

I just gotta go
for a long drive.

All right.

(rock music playing)

I just don't like standing
up here in the dark like this.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.

I know, but I'm trying to keep
this very low profile, Darlene.

I just wanna know
if you would like to come

and work on the show
when we start up again.

Working for Hank
was the most meaningful
experience of my life.

That's nice. I don't know
if he's coming back.

But you'll have some
sort of sidekick right?

Yeah.
See you Monday.

Okay.

Larry:
I know that in the past

I've been difficult
to work for.
Beverly: Mm-hmm.

Insensitive.
Mm-hmm.

Disorganized.
Mm-hmm.

I know
you don't feel that way,

but I would like you
to come back

and be my assistant...

But--
...when we start
the show up again.

Excuse me. Mr. Sanders,
are you gonna be having

any more secret
meetings today or can
I lock up the stage now?

Just, one more moment, Don.
Okay.

What I-- I'm trying
to say is I don't want
to do this show without you.

But you never fired me.

I didn't?

No, your business manager
gives me a paycheck every week.

So if I didn't fire you,
I don't have to be
having this talk.

Right.
See you Monday.

Paula: Well, I should tell
you that the--
Shh.

I should tell you
that Conan O'Brien

has offered me a job
as... associate producer,

and I'd be very involved
in the creative direction

of the show.
Are you listening to me?
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you look different.
Have you shaved
or something?

I colored my hair.

(both chuckle)

I can understand
why you'd want to take

the Conan O'Brien job
over this one.

It's a good sh--
how long you think
that's gonna stay on the air?

I'll see you Monday.

So what you
been up to for the last
three months, Phil?

Uh, jerking off.
See you Monday.

All right.
Don't speak, just listen.

Now, we've been together
a good, long time, right?

And I've always been
there for you in the past,

and I would like to be there
for you in the future.

I just need one thing.

I need to know that
no matter what happens...

(emotionally)
you will never abandon me
like that again.

I need to hear you
promise me that.

Okay. That's good
enough for me.

I am back.

I'll see you Tuesday.

Monday.

Even better.
Oh god, it's good to know

I'll never have to pull

another set of balls
like that again.
Okay.

Good, good. Yeah.

Okay.
C'mon.

I mean it.
I mean it, no.

I want it.
No. I mean it.

You know what I want.
I mean it.

I can't believe you hired
the entire staff back, Larry.

I know, I did good, huh?

No, this would have been
the perfect time to get rid
of some deadwood in the office.

Oh, c'mon,
Phil does a good job.

I don't mean Phil.

Oh, you mean Paula?

I'm not saying, but some
of these people are useless.

They should be cut
out of here like cancer.

Hello, children.

Look at you, all back
were you belong.

Oh, it does my heart good.
The whole family, mwah, is here.

All right.
What, are you gonna
start singing?

I shall be
a bit surprised.

Ah, Larry, everyone loves
the flowers you gave them.

Great! Oh well,
please accept them
in the spirit

with which they were given.

Good job.
Okay, before
you go in, I--

Gentlemen,
good afternoon.

Mr. Germain,
what an honor.

I was just coming
up to see you, sir.

Larry, what are
you doing here?

Uh, Beverly, hold my calls.

That's what I was coming
up talk to you about.

We're going to put
the show back on the air.

Yeah, we don't want to spend
the next five years fighting
this out on court TV do we?

(both chuckle)
Gentlemen, you've taken
me by surprise.

I must say
that I'm not prepared
to put the show back on.

Oh, it won't take
much preparation.

We've already got
the staff back.

How can I clarify this?

I don't want to put
the show back on.

But you're suing me?

I'm only suing you
to save face for the network.

I'm happy to drop the suit.

Oh, let's not
be hasty now.

We're not asking you
to drop the lawsuit.

Larry is
very sorry, Richard,

that he left you
with a big gaping
hole at 11:30.

Hole at 11:30?

I have no hole. Larry walked,
I put on back-to-back
"Cheers" re-runs

in the spot, and they're
doing rather well.

Better than Leno,
as a matter of fact.

All right,
this is bullshit.

You know what?
This reminds me why
I hate the fuckin' business.

If you say
you're gonna sue somebody,
least you can do is

follow through and sue them.
I'm going back to Montana.

If anybody needs me,
fuck it.

Ditto.

Larry, are you really
going back to Montana?

Yes I am.
I'm going to LAX and getting
the first flight out of here.

You people can start
packing up your desks.

I'm tired of this
childish behavior.

Let's have a talk
in my office, Richard.
What do you say?

Take a seat.
Use my chair.

Well?

Richard...

what I'm about to tell you
can't leave this room.

Oh please, don't tell me
you and Larry are lovers.

Of course not. Now listen,
nobody knows about--

what can make you
think we're lovers?

Something about the dynamic.
You were saying?

The reason Larry
had to leave the way
he did was--

well, due to the pressures
of the show,

Larry had developed
a chemical dependency.

A drug problem?
Pain killers at first

and then at times
anti-anxiety medication,

and then later
of course anything at all

that came in a tablet
or capsule form.

(clatters)

Well, that explains
a lot the mood swings,

the attention disorder,
the astonishing weight gain.

And we decided
that for the good
of your network's name

that Larry should
skedaddle up to Montana

and kick this thing quietly.

Is he clean?

He's as clean
as Louie Anderson's
dinner plate.

(clatters)

Hello? Oh, just a mo--

Ricardo--
will you excuse me?

I have to take this.

I didn't hear it ring.

Oh, it didn't.
It's a new system.

You see, it's a little
flashing light here you can't
see from where your standing.

Oh, just a moment.
It'll take me a minute.

Yeah, I need
to have a whiz anyway.
Where's the gents?

Uh, right out the door,

first crapper
on the left.

Enjoy.

What the hell
are you doing here?

That's exactly why I said you
should stay in Montana.

Didn't you
tell me you didn't want
to embarrass yourself?

What did he mean
by astonishing weight gain?

Never mind that.
What about the gay lovers thing?

What about the fact you said
that I have drug problem?

Oh, trust me.
What is that about?

That was a last resort.
Last resort.

You could have come up
with something less pathetic.
Just calm down.

No, I'm not gonna calm down.
Take one of these it
will make you feel better.

Thank you.

Here you go.
All right, all right.

Go, go, go.
Here, you keep this.

No, you take that.

I didn't know we got
a new phone system.

Vámonos, ándale, pronto.

Richard:
Arthur?
(door shuts)

Yes?

Was that Larry?
Where?

Arthur.

I've had
a moment to think.

I'm willing to give
you your show back.

Oh.
But Larry must do
something for the network...

Of course.
...to save us all
from great embarrassment.

Half water, half coffee?
Yes.

Larry, Larry, Hi.
Oh, Bernadette.

Hi, so good to see you.

Thanks so much for being
the first guest tonight.

I'm thrilled. I'm honored that
you'd ask me to do the show.

I love the show.
Oh, good.

Listen, did Artie talk to you
about maybe singing

a "Hello Larry"
kinda song to me?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh good, good,
that'll be great.

But you know, I, um--
I feel really bad because I--

I don't want to do it.

Well, that's fine,
I don't want you to do
anything you don't wanna do.

If you don't want to sing
the "Welcome back, Larry."

It is my first
night back and all,
but that would be okay.

Yeah, I know,
but you know what?
To me...

it's like when, you know,
Bette Midler sang goodbye

to Johnny
on his last show,
I know this is--

I hope you'll think--
this isn't your first show--

Well, fine,
you don't want to sing.
That's all that matters.

But I have something special
planned for you.

Well, should I tell
the band?

Because they'll need
to know the key.

No, I'm not going
to sing, but-- please,
I feel really bad though.

No, no,
don't even think about it.
I'll see you out there.

But you'll like it
if I do. How's your mother?

Good.

He hasn't changed.

All right, here we go.

Sorry. Are you trying
to find your moment?

Yeah.

Would it be all right
if I join you?

Fine.

(moans)

Live on tape.

(moans)

Hmm, live, live--

Hank, Hank,
Hank, Hank.

Don't worry about a thing.
I'll get it back.

Yeah, good.
Live on tape.

(applause)

Are you excited?
The house is packed.

You know, it doesn't matter,
because I'm not going out there.

Then you won't
get your show back.

(theme music playing)
Yeah, well fine,

Nice job of negotiating
by the way.

Don't like it,
go back to that cabin

and do a show
on public-access.

As I recall you said
something about--

you could pull this off
without me suffering
any humiliation.

That's right I did.
Yeah.

You won't be humiliated.
Yes, I will.

Trust me.
No, I'm not going out there.

You haven't got a choice.

I'm not going out there,
I am not going out there.

(cheering, applause)

Thank you.

All right, okay.

Down you go,
down you go,
down you go.

Boy, why couldn't
you guys have--

I should have--
all right, that's enough.

I know what
you're thinking,

I should've taken
you to Montana with me.

I understand that.

We could've all fit
in the boat.

Well, it's been a long time.
I'm-- it's great to be back.

Before I get any further
into tonight's show,

I do have
little announcement

I'd like to make
on a serious note.

I left three months ago
on such short notice

because, uh, I had

an addiction
to painkillers.

I had a feeling
he was abusing his body
in some way.

Hi, is Conan there?

I would like to thank

Mr. Richard Germain
of the network.

Are you happy now?
Oh yes,

and he'll mention it again
at the end of the show?
He will.

And he'll emcee
the affiliates dinner
in Kansas City?

With great pleasure.

Larry:
And giving me the chance
to go to Montana

and a second chance
now that I've...

beaten the situation
with drugs.

(cheering, applause)

Okay.

So, on with the,
uh, current news.

Hilary Clinton got
that new haircut.

Yeah, she got that
because that's how
they're wearing it in prison.

(audience laughs)

I, uh...

I really don't care...

what they did before
they were President.

(laughs)

Las Vegas is really changing.
In the three months that
I've been gone--

my god,
I cannot believe it.

They're now
starting to appeal,
in Las Vegas, to families,

which has just changed
the entire town.

I actually saw a hooker
dressed in a Barney outfit.

(laughs)

It was unbelievable.

Now when Barney sings,
"You love me, I love you,"

it costs you 250 bucks.

(audience laughs)

All right, we have
a great show,

let's move on. We have
Bernadette Peters.

We have many,
many other surprises.
It's great to be back.

No flipping,
we'll be right back.

(audience laughs)

I'm sorry I had
to put you through it.

I just can't believe it.

I mean, these people actually
love me more than they did

before I had a drug problem.
I've never seen
anything like it.

Did you hear 'em?
Jeez, I can't believe that.

Did you hear
that crowd?
I was just telling him.

All right, now listen,
I got a great idea
for sweeps week.

Now, listen to this,
Larry comes out,

he tells the people that
he was molested as a child.

All right? Of course,
we have people call
your parents,

and we tell them
we're just making it up.

(laughs nervously)
No, no, no.

You're kidding, right?

Think about it.
I'm telling you,
think about it.

Still glad you came
back from Montana?

I think if I learned one thing,
Artie, it's that happiness

comes from in here.

Is that your way saying
you'd like another pill?

Yes, it is.

Thank you.
Appreciate it.

It's your night, kiddo.

Bernadette:
Enough about me.
This is your first night back,

this is your first show back.
Yes it is.

And I just--
this is about you

and I've prepared a little
something for you.

Oh. Will you need
our band for this,

because they'd be happy to--
No.

Not even for background?

No.
Would you like to--

well, you're going to clearly
sing something, aren't you?

No, I'm not.
I'm not singing.

But it's a surprise.
I've-- it's a poem.

I'm touched.
Well, you know,
I'm not a serious poet,

so I mean,
don't be too critical,
but just know

that the sentiment
behind it is all true.

(clears throat)

"He was always there for me,

"the friend
I could depend upon,
but then one night

"I look for him and found
that he was gone.

"I wondered how I'd get along,

"I wondered how
I'd face the night,

"and then,
as quickly as he'd gone,

"my friend returned,
and all was right.

"So now I'll watch him
once again, my worry gone,

"my life on track, and every
night I say a prayer

'Thank the Lord
Hank Kingsley's back.'"

(audience laughs)

(clapping and cheering)

(theme music playing)