Original subtitles

(acoustic guitar playing)

Man: ♪ When I'm feeling... ♪

(laughter)

♪ Down ♪

(laughter continues)

♪ And feeling sad ♪

♪ You come around and make me glad ♪

♪ I've got you ♪

♪ Ooh, my little chicken ♪

♪ I love your feet ♪

♪ I love your breasts ♪

♪ I love the way you eat gravel to help you digest ♪

♪ My little chicken ♪

♪ People say you're using me ♪

♪ In your heart, you're a killer ♪

♪ But I know that the worst I should fear ♪

♪ Is a slight case of salmonella ♪

♪ So... ♪

♪ Lie right back Don't you cry ♪

♪ If an egg can fit in there, why can't I? ♪

(laughter and applause)

♪ My little chicken likes to wear garter belts ♪

That's it. Adam Sandler.

(applause)

Adam Sandler.

That was great.

I wish we had more time. We're out of time.

I'd like to thank all my guests,

Calvin Trillin, "Remembering," uh,

his new book "Remembering Denny,"

and Dinosaur Jr. who will be on tour all summer.

They were great. They were great, weren't they.

And, Hank,

anything you'd like to plug before we go off tonight?

Uh, no.

I don't have anything to plug, but I'd like to--

I'd like to talk to someone tonight, if that's okay.

All right. Fire away. Quickly.

Coming up. Uh, four please.

Uh, Margaret, I love you,

and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Would you marry me?

Larry: What? (applause)

I have got to start coming to rehearsal. Thank you.

What the fuck you think that is, huh? Huh?

What is this, "Love Connection"?

All right, all right. Go ahead, Artie, go ahead.

Come on. Take your best shot.

You can't hurt me. I'm invincible.

I've got the shield of love around me.

Oh, yeah? You mean you were serious?

Yes, I'm quite serious. You're serious?

The next time you say anything, you check with me.

Ball of love, my ass!

Well, how long have you known this woman, Hank?

This woman's name is Margaret Dolan,

and she walked into my life two weeks ago today.

An actress. She's not an actress.

I met her on a personal appearance tour,

and she happens to be regional sales manager

for the Sandwich King.

Jesus Christ!

You didn't even tell us you were seeing anyone.

Well I, you know, I sort of kept her under wraps.

I mean, I figured, you know, you guys would make fun of me.

We wouldn't do that.

Not to your face. That's right.

Go ahead, go ahead. I don't care, make fun. Come on.

Hank-- Hank and Margaret sittin' in a tree.

Come on. Come on. I'm in love.

She's coming. She's coming.

Who? Margaret.

She's on her way up now. Come greet her.

Really? Okay. Yes. Please.

Should I get a Bundt cake or something?

No, no, no. Please. Hank wants her to feel welcome.

Okay. It's so important to him.

Hello, I'm Larry.

It's nice to meet you. It's nice to meet you.

My, come this way. Let me show you around.

This is my office.

All right, everybody.

I d like you to meet Margaret Dolan, my fiancée.

Darlene: Oh, my gosh! She said yes.

That's so wonderful.

And this is Darlene.

This is Margaret. Darlene, hi!

Hank speaks so highly of you.

Thank you. Hold still.

Here you go.

This is the boss.

This is the big man himself.

The guy who signs all the paychecks.

Hey now, Larry Sanders.

Margaret. Hi.

Nice meeting you. I'm Larry.

It's an honor to meet you. Please, no pictures.

Hi, I'm-- Oh, you must be Beverly.

Margaret. Hi.

Um-- I'm Margaret.

I'm Sharon. I'm from the temp agency.

Hi. Let me show you around.

Meet everyone.

Thanks.

You're from the temp agency? Yes.

Nice meeting you.

Nice to meet you.

The woman's clearly half his age.

They've known each other two weeks,

and Artie, she works for some guy named, what, the Sandwich King.

I believe that's a product.

I mean, who are we to give marital advice.

I'm on my fourth wife... Fifth.

and you-- well, whatever.

And you, of course-- Hey, no, no, don't.

Listen, what if it lasts three weeks?

So goddamn what?

It's Hank's life, Larry.

Still, it just doesn't seem-- (knock on door)

Ah. Hey.

Whoa. Oh.

(all chuckling)

So, what do you think? Huh? Uh--

Oh, come on.

I just met her, you know.

Uh-huh, and?

Nice, she seems nice.

She seems, you know, very pretty.

Pretty. Yeah, and?

And great, just great, overall great.

Come on, get it out. What?

She's too pretty. She's too young.

What is Hank doing with someone as normal as her?

Come on. I never said any of that.

Yeah, well, I know what people are saying behind my back.

Artie: Hell! Hank, nobody's saying anything.

Yeah, she's only been here like 30 seconds.

No one's talking behind your back.

Look, you're a very talented,

successful showbiz personality.

Any woman would want to marry that.

Me?

Ah, you're right. You're right.

She's just so perfect, and I'm afraid to trust it

and I just can't believe it's happening, you know.

Yeah. Me neither.

Larry, we rarely discuss our feelings,

but I want you to know that I love you as much as that girl.

And there's just no way in hell that I'm going to be

standing at that altar without you at my side.

So I want you to be my best man.

No offense, Artie.

I would be happy to, Hank.

Great.

I just hope that Margaret and I

can be as happy as you and Francine.

That is the most cynical pile of bullshit

I've ever heard in my entire life.

Do you want broccoli?

No. No?

Well, she obviously wants something from him.

Let me tell you something.

Not every single woman in the whole world

wants something from you.

We're not talking about me.

We're talking about Hank.

What do you think I want from you?

What are you talking about?

I've never taken a nickel from you.

I didn't get shit in the divorce,

and I didn't ask for it. Oh, please, don't do this.

My lawyer-- my lawyer said to clean you out.

And I said no. Your mother said what?

My lawyer. Your-- oh.

You don't care. You just hate all women.

You think we're all out to get you.

We're all trying to take advantage of you.

Oh, stop yelling at me!

God, if Hank could only see us like this.

If Hank could only see us like this.

What? Nothing.

Hi guys.

Hey, that's funny.

That is very funny.

Ah, fish, right?

Yeah, it's a desk piece.

What does this fish look like to you?

Um, Danny DeVito?

Nicholson.

Oh yeah, yeah, I can see that.

Listen, um, am I interrupting something?

Would it be, uh-- it's so odd...

I bet you wanna have the wedding on the show.

My god!

How could you possibly know that?

You should know by now. I can see into your soul.

Well, that's really spooky.

Well, we, if I'm not mistaken,

can't have the wedding on the show

because we have the Liebowitz bar mitzvah booked that week.

Ah, it's a terrific idea.

Yeah, I think so.

And I'm really glad to hear you say that, Artie,

because this is--

this is a dream come true.

You see, it'll be the two things that

I love the most in the world.

You know, the show, of course, and Margaret,

come together in one perfect evening.

I think-- Artie, you can't be serious.

We can't do a wedding show.

May I remind you of an old friend of mine, Tiny Tim.

As I recall, that was a freak show.

But a highly rated freak show.

Oh, jeez.

If you want a highly rated show, let's do who shot Hank Kingsley.

Oh please, Larry, I mean, not even as a joke.

Listen, if we have the blessed event right away,

we can make sweeps week.

Yeah, Artie, wait, wait. See, this is not about--

This is not about ratings, Artie.

This is about--

Well, it's about love and it's about commitment

and sharing a life.

I don't want it to be a circus.

I mean, I want it to be a tasteful testament to marriage,

or actually, I'm not interested.

Hank, three words-- Luke and Laura.

Say no more.

We understand each other.

Ah, you're gonna wear tails?

I had... yes, I am. I'm gonna make a call.

I thought you were gonna stay out of it.

That was personal. This is business.

Yeah, well, you're forgetting one thing.

After this so-called wedding show,

that man will be married to that woman.

Yes, now that is what I call great television.

What can I say to Hank?

Ah-- careful.

What do you mean careful? I gotta say something.

I'm not gonna sit here and just let him go through with this thing.

No. That's the best way to end a friendship, Larry.

What is? To something about this?

I can't let him go through this. Okay, okay.

Larry, would you have liked to have heard how much we all disliked Jeannie?

Ah, that's a good point.

You didn't like Jeannie?

Why didn't you say so?

The girl was bad news from day one.

Why didn't you say something?

You could have saved me a lot of--

A lot of money? Heartache.

Yeah, I probably would have fired you.

What do you think of Francine?

I think she's great.

Excuse me for a moment.

No, I'm serious. I won't fire you.

Tell me what you think of Francine.

Hi, Bev. Mwah! Hank.

So, how, uh,

how are the plans for the bachelor party going?

Good. Great.

The bachelor party? Great. Great.

Real wild night, isn't it? It's gonna be wild. Nuts.

Huh? Is it gonna be wild? Nuts!

(chuckles) That's great.

Uh, listen, I gotta ask you a favor, please.

Uh, look, uh,

I don't want to question your decision making as a best man.

Right.

But as far as the bachelor party is concerned, please,

no hookers.

All right.

Because I'm really in love, you know,

and I just don't need that kind of pressure.

I mean, if the hookers are there,

it's fine for the guys on the crew.

I don't want any part of it, okay?

Please. Yeah.

Listen, I, uh...

there's something I wanna ask you.

Go ahead.

I don't want you to take this the wrong way.

Come on, go ahead.

You ll rest up for tonight, right?

Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be rested up.

'Cause it's this gonna be wild. Nuts.

It's gonna be-- We'll work our way up to wild.

All right. Nuts!

I used to work at a strip club.

And the guy, the owner, comes up to me and

he says, "You don't need to take your clothes off to do the comedy."

We should book her on the show, Artie.

Damn right, as a regular.

As a regular, as anything.

As a sidekick. As a sidekick!

Sidekick.

Oh, hey, Hank.

Hey guys, what, what, what did I miss?

You missed some of the finest work by plastic surgeons in Hollywood.

Oh my!

Hiyo!

Oh god, this is so great.

I can't believe it's my bachelor party.

And Ed McMahon is sitting next to me.

You sir, you sir, are a sidekick's dream.

Excuse me, I gotta ask you how, in all those years,

how do you-- how do you stay so cool, you know?

You never let them see you sweat.

See, you never let 'em see you sweat.

And you can take that to the bank.

You can take that to the bank!

What's Ed saying?

I have no idea.

Can I get your autograph?

Why?

I'm not who you think I am.

Thanks, Mr. Brenner.

Okay, toast.

Toast to me,

and the man to make that toast is,

sorry, my friend,

my boss, my best man,

hey now, Larry Sanders.

Come on. Toast!

Come on. I'm saving it.

I'm saving it. I'm saving it for the wedding.

Go ahead, toast. I'm saving it.

Toast, toast, toast, toast.

Come on. No, I'm saving it, Hank.

All right, I've got an old Irish toast.

I mean, it's a little bit off color

but if you like limericks about fucking.

There was a feller from Dubuque--

No, no, no.

Thanks, thanks, but I wanna hear your toast.

Hey, Phil. Come on, Ed.

Let's get another one of those $12 cranberry juices.

All right, that's a good idea.

Hey, Artie, I'll be right back.

I'm gonna run to the ATM machine.

Hey, thanks for being here.

Having a good time?

Yeah, but it's no Golden Horseshoe.

Oh, hell, no, I told them that.

Toast.

Toast.

You know, you hardly know this girl.

I know what I, I, I, I need to know.

Jesus Christ!

You're all starry-eyed now,

and I'm telling you that two months from now--

What are you doing? You're gonna wake up in the middle of the night,

you re gonna look at her and you're not gonna know

who the fuck she is.

This is a big step.

I don't think you realize what a big step this is.

I know, I know. I don't think you realize what a big step this is.

I know, I know that this is a big step

and this is the person I wanna take this step with.

Bullshit! You're, you're, you're--

If you're going through some midlife crisis,

get a Porsche the way everybody else does.

It won't cost you as much, I'm telling you.

In the long run, it's not gonna take everything you own.

You think, you think this is about money.

You think that she's after my money, don't you?

Let me tell you something.

I don't have any fucking money.

It's all in the restaurant.

I told you not to take the fucking restaurant either, didn't I?

When are you gonna learn? When are you gonna learn?

You're doing this out of desperation.

You're just doing this out of some weird...

I get it.

I get it.

Hey, no one gets to be happy except the great Larry Sanders.

Well, let me give you a prenuptial announcement.

Go fuck yourself.

Hey, Keith, let's get rid of these red gels.

We're not marrying two french fries for McDonald's, you know.

Make it pink.

Hey, Artie? Good. Yes, sir.

Uh, listen, I, uh,

I just wanna tell you,

I know you've been behind this marriage 100%.

I really appreciate that. Thank you.

And, you know, I cherish our friendship.

I will not be your best man. No, sir.

Wow!

That's just spooky.

Larry Sanders is the star of the show,

and if he's not your best man, you're not getting married.

Artie...

So you two get it together.

You get it together right now

'cause I've got the network

promoing the shit out of this thing.

Got it?

Hey, Hank, hey.

Hey, hey!

Ronnie, have Joe put an apple box in here for Sid.

We're lighting Hank's belly button.

Did you see that man won't even talk to me now.

I wanna tell you something

I've learned from bitter experience.

Honesty is the worst policy.

Phil, would you get away from the champagne.

That's for the reception.

Goddammit!

Larry. Artie?

I'll be right back.

Artie. Um, I am really sorry

to hear that you and Hank aren't speaking.

Well, you know, when you've known someone

as long as we have known each other--

Well, Hank tells me that you think

we're making a big mistake.

It's just that I worry about Hank.

You mean you worry about me, my motives.

You think that I'm after something.

I just, uh,

think this thing is moving pretty fast.

I never thought that I would want to marry somebody

after two weeks either but, um, this just--

it feels right.

I really do love him.

So do I.

And finally, the, this member of Clinton's cabinet,

Robert Reich, is in charge of,

"A," The Treasury;

"B," The Department of Labor;

or "C," The Lollipop Guild.

Of course, from "The Wizard of Oz,"

that would be the Lollipop Guild because he's not that tall.

All right.

And that's the end of Meet the Cabinet.

Next week, of course,

we'll have meet the--

meet the Transportation People.

(laughter)

You're a good audience.

Of course, coming up is the big event

we have all been waiting for, Hank's wedding.

(cheering and applause)

It's semi-formal

so you people at home have time to change.

We'll be right back.

(cheering continues)

Man: We're clear!

Ready, my boy?

Yeah, uh, the musicians, do they know when to stop?

Oh, everything's under control.

All right, fine, yeah.

'Cause I don't want Margaret's day ruined

because a bunch of long hairs can't get it together.

I've got Gavin MacLeod.

He's still waiting in the green room, standing by.

He would love to do this.

I told you, I'm not gonna be married

by the captain of The Love Boat, okay.

That's your mark right there. Where?

Right there. Bump up the pink!

Just a schooch. Hold it! That's it. Walk away.

You're nervous?

Sorry?

Nervous? Yes.

I just wanna say I hope this really works out.

Thank you. Sorry, Hank?

Yeah? I mean it.

Margaret's father hasn't show up yet.

Oh, you hold it, here, here.

Everything's under control.

All right, places, people!

What are you doing, Phil?

I'm a witness.

We don't need a witness.

There's 10 million people watching.

Man: In five, four , three... Yeah, but can you trust them?

(The Wedding March playing)

(applause)

Ladies and gentlemen,

here to perform the ceremony,

you know him from "Jeopardy!" Alex Trebek.

(cheering)

Ladies and gentlemen,

today the answer is

Margaret Dolan and Hank Kingsley.

Because these two are children of California,

Margaret and Hank have decided like so many other people before them

that the traditional wedding vows are not only uninspired but uninspiring.

So they have decided to express

their feelings for each other in their own words.

Margaret?

Hank, from the moment I met you,

I knew you were the one.

Never before had a man communicated so much to me

with so few words the way you did.

In you, I have found my soul mate.

I love you.

Thank you.

Margaret, I thought I knew...

I'm sorry.

(laughter)

I thought I knew sunshine

but I...

I thought I...

Margaret...

(laughter)

I thought I knew sunshine

but I knew only shade.

(laughter)

I thought I knew singing

but I knew only the tune.

And I thought I knew love but I only knew like.

(laughter)

You've taught me the words to sing in the sun

for all the time

I have been drifting, searching for happiness.

But I will search no more for with you by my side

I am home. I am home.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

(cheering)

♪ Lovely, don't you ever change ♪

♪ Keep that breathless charm ♪

♪ Won't you please arrange it 'cause I love you ♪

♪ Just the way you look tonight ♪

He sounds so nice.

This always happens to me at weddings, you know.

I mean, it really is sweet, don't you think? Yeah.

I mean, when you really think about it,

it's so, it's just beautiful, isn't it?

Mm-hmm. Why isn't Ed McMahon here tonight?

I don't know.

Probably taping something. Yeah.

If you like this wedding that much,

maybe we can have ours on the show.

What?

I'm joking.

Why don't we go to Hawaii next week.

You know what, I'm off next week. Want to go to--

Remember when that awful hurricane happened there

and Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith got trapped?

Well, how about if we go to Kona, the big island, or the...

Why?

Romantic. Caribbean maybe.

Excuse me, Francine,

may I have the pleasure of this dance with you?

Oh, I would love to.

You know when those people lose on "Jeopardy!"

don't they get really sad?

Hey, tell Vanna I said hi.

Artie, sit down, sit down.

God, you were great.

You were great.

I can't believe I read those fucking vows.

My career is over, I'm telling you.

Ah, you'll get a few pot shots but fuck 'em.

That was genuinely sweet.

Oh, I don't think I'm supposed to be sweet.

I think-- But you are.

Don't make that sound.

I have asked you not to.

I'll tell you what's, what's sweet.

That's sweet.

I tell you, I still don't get it.

I still do not get it.

Well, wait till tomorrow when you see those sweet,

sweet ratings, ah!

Then you'll get it.

Haven't I asked you not to drink this much?

Hank, come here.

Hank!

(Artie laughing)

Thank you, guys.

Listen, I want to apologize.

Forgive me.

I hope you will for what I said last night, okay?

I do. Good.

Let me give you a kiss. Oh, watch out, you big buffalo.

He doesn't like to be kissed.

I'll give you a kiss.

No.

You read those vows better than I ever could.

Oh, come on. Wasn't he great?

Oh, terrific.

I would like you to read them again, just one more time.

They're so beautiful. This part right over here.

Are you serious? Yeah, And I only...

But I only knew love...

But I only knew like.

I'm not reading-- I'm not reading these again.

But I only knew like. I'm not...

I only knew like. Beautiful.

That's something, isn't it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, I'm sorry for questioning

why she was marrying you.

It's so clear that she's marrying you

because of the man you are.

Artie: Hear, hear.

I want you to know that. Thanks.

Margaret: Larry, Arthur, I'd like you

to meet my dad, Harold Dolan.

Hey there, the pleasure's all yours.

Just kidding.

Jesus Christ!

Hi.

(theme music playing)