All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S02E01e02_English

Hank:
Now, that sign says,
"Applesauce."

No, no, no.
I'm kidding.
(laughter)

It says "applause."

Ray? Do me a favor.
Could you flick that once?

(applause)
All right.

Now, remember,
you're all--

you're all a big part
of the show,

so the better you are,
the better Larry is.

Okay, now, you see
this gentleman, yeah,

he's giving me
this-- this sign,

and it says,
"We're on in 10 seconds,

so get ready to have
a good time."

All right, here we go.

This is exciting,
isn't it?

Man:
In five, four, three, two...

(music playing)

Announcer:
Live on tape
from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight, join
Larry and his guests,

Michael Jeter,
Sandra Bernhard,

Marky Mark, and me--

"Hey, now!"
Hank Kingsley.

And now, because it's
a condition of his probation,

Larry Sanders!

(applause)

(applause continues)

Good crowd.

Thank you, Hank.

Larry:
Welcome.

Today President Clinton
announced another new plan

to put an end
to the deficit.

He said,
for a million dollars,

he'd let Robert Redford
sleep with Hillary.

(audience laughs)

Now, if Robert Redford
has to pay

a million dollars
to get laid...

do I need to finish
this thought?

Imagine what
Hank must have to pay.

(applause)

Jeannie, what makes you think
we can't work it out?

Why don't you come back
from Chicago, and we'll talk--

Self-involved?

No, I am not watching
my show right now.

I'm watching "Bonanza."

That is not Hank.
That is Hoss.

(audience laughter)

You know what?
We both fucked up, okay?

Wha-- I am not going to tell you
the ways I think I fucked up.

I might go into some areas
you never considered.

Okay, go ahead.
You tell me. Go ahead.

Uh-huh... right.

Don't click around,
we'll be right back!

Uh-huh.
We'll be right back.

Don't click around.
Uh-huh.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Look, hey, that--
that-- that is more
of a quirk, don't you think?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Well, that, again, is a quirk,
don't you think?

Hey, where's Artie?
He's coming.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Well, you mentioned
that one last night.

All right, okay.

Yeah, uh-huh.

Uh... bye.

All this woman does is
berate me, I swear to God.

Why do you
put her through?

Larry,
you called her.

Oh, that's right.

Do you think I have
trouble prioritizing

my emotional
commitments?

Gosh, please,
don't ask me.

I haven't had
a healthy relationship

since junior high.

Oh. Wow.

Well, let's stick
to me today.

Did you see this article
about Letterman in the paper?

Listen to this,
I want to read you

a little something.

(clearing throat)

Beverly, listen to this.

Listen--
"Letterman's new time slot,"

blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah,

"Domino effect in late--"
Ah, here it is.

"Analysts say,"
and I quote,

"on a household basis,
Leno will be ahead,

but Letterman will pull in
a younger audience."

A younger audience.

(muttering)

Just what I need--

somebody taking more
of the younger audience.

(door opens)

Oh, Jesus! You're not laying
in your own puke, are you?

Do you have
the trades?
What?

"The Reporter"?
"Variety"?

Oh, I don't know.

You need a hot towel?
I don't need a hot towel.

I really-- I just really
want to see the trades.

We have an excellent
show tonight--

Supermodel Kathy Ireland
and two mystery guests.

Who are they?
It's a mystery.

They don't need to be
a mystery to me, Artie.

I'm the host.
Well, what do you care?

They'll be great.
Artie.

It's in the trades,
isn't it?

About me and Jeannie's
divorce, right?

I-- I haven't read
the trades yet.

I'm not going to the bathroom
for another two hours.

Let me see them.
What?

The trades.

Can't.
Why?

Can't.
Why?

Oh! The Emmy nominations
came out today.

Don't tell me.

Bastards.
Shit.

I thought sure,
with Johnny gone,

we'd receive a nomination.
I don't need to see this.

I'll tell you
who got nominated.

Letterman,
"Saturday Night Live",

And I'll bet you
Billy Crystal

hosting the Academy Awards.
Am I right?

What's the other one?

"A Jackie Mason
Hanukkah," Artie?

Cable shows should be
an entirely different category.

We're slipping.
Absolutely not.

I'm not blaming you,
I'm the one who spent

the last four months
on the telephone

talking to my wife,
trying to save my marriage.

What are you doing?

You okay?
I'm fine.

Would you sit down?
You-- You're frightening me.

Sit down.
Listen,
I feel for you, boy.

You know, marriages will
take you right through

the old ringer.
Thank you.

Believe me, I know.

Thank you, I really tried
this time too, Artie.

Well, walk it off.
Walk it off?

Cancel. Move on.

What are you talk--
Why don't I just put
ice on it, Artie?

It's a marriage,
for God's sakes!
(chuckling)

You know what
I need to do?

I need to focus
on this fucking show.

I could use a hot towel.

Do you really--
Do you have one?

Yeah.
(knock on door)

Kathy Ireland is
trying on wardrobe.

Shouldn't you be
working on jokes?

Kathy Ireland is
trying on wardrobe.

Come on, Larry!

Come on.
This will do you good.

Supermodel,

costume changes,
fittings--

anything could happen.
(both purring)

Oh, as attractive
as you guys make it sound,

please,
focus on the show!

Yes. Yes.
Focus. Focus.

Now let's go focus
on Miss Kathy Ireland,

a very important part
of the show tonight.

Beverly?

Beverly?
Yes?

Would you please get
Jeannie on the phone for me?

Uh-uh. No.

Good.
Get me a hot towel.

What?
A hot towel.

I need a hot towel.

Well, okay.
I'll check on it.

Oh, they're out there.
You don't need to check.

They're out there.
Artie was selling them

like there's no tomorrow.
I mean, they must be out there,

or he wouldn't be in here saying
anything about hot towels.

They must be
right out there,
very close by.

There's hot towels
out there.

I could tell.

I'm get-- I--
I'm going crazy.

I hear Jeannie
crying In my head.

(crying)
Poor Larry.

Hank: Yeah.
Who would have thought?

I thought this time
it would last forever.

Jeannie was
such a good person.

Oh, I thought you were talking
about the Emmy nominations.

Oh, screw her!

She was always trying
to drive a wedge

between Larry and me.

One time--
one time

I was invited to Larry's house
while they were married.

Then you and Larry will
probably be spending

a lot more time
together, then.

Well, I--

Well, no,
I'd assume.

Because, you know,
actually, during the--

during the interval between
Francine and Jeannie,

we were very--
we were very tight, you know.

Really?
We used
to hit the bar

at the Bel Air Hotel,
you know, work a little skirt.

I bet she's going
to be really sad,

even with
all that money.

Yeah... yeah.

I mean,
I guess this year,

I'm going to get very,
very close to Larry.

Jerry Van Dyke.
Fuck him.

Beverly! This towel
isn't even hot!
(knock on door)

Hi, Larry.
Oh, Miss Parrish.

Artie's not here.

I know.
I came to see you.

Oh-- well,
Artie's not here.

Larry,
I just want you to know

I read about
the divorce

and everybody at the network
is thinking about you.

Oh, thanks. That's nice.
Artie's not-- he's not here.

I know that.
Please, don't get up.

I just want to tell you,

we can discuss the Phoenix
problem another time.

Phoenix?

They're dropping you
for Chevy Chase.

You're kidding.
Hard to believe,
isn't it?

I want you
to take it easy.

I don't want you
to worry about that

or Tulsa
or the Emmy nominations.

You just take it easy.

We can talk about this
tomorrow morning.

You know
Artie wasn't here.

I know where Artie is.

You know, I kind of
feel embarrassed

talking about my photos.

I have a new movie.

Oh, "The Last Paisan."

I-- I saw it twice.

It's not out yet.

But I hear
you're wonderful.
Yeah.

And here he is.

Kathy, of course you know
Mr. Larry Sanders.

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

Artie:
The pleasure,
I'm sure, is mutual.

Yes, it's a pleasure
meeting you.

You have a good time
on the show.

I know you're
just gonna be great.

Thank you, hey, what do
you think of my shoes?

Those are great.

Open-toed.
Mine are closed-toed.

Well, I like
all your shoes.

I need to talk to you.

Kathy,
you're a delight.

Delight.

Those really are
great shoes.
Yeah.

Well, I think you should
start dating right away.

That Ms. Kathy Ireland is not
a bad place to start.

Artie, there'll
be no dating

until we get
this show on track,

I have no dick, okay?

No dick? Check.

Now, listen, did you hear
about the Phoenix affiliate?

We got dropped, yes.
How'd you find out?

Melanie Parrish was
in my office last night.

Oh, shit!
How did she get
past security?

I do not know.

Do you have
last night's ratings?

The ratings last night
are in no way indicative

of the overall performance

of this show.
Would you just
give me the ratings?

Okay, so we got killed.
Just give me the ratings.

Bear in mind, Koppel had
the Buttafuocos on last night--

Jesus, he is dipping
into the toilet.

I agree.
Well, why didn't we get
the Buttafuocos on?

'Cause they turned us down.

Good, they're not right
for the show anyway.

I agree.
Fucking Koppel blurs the line.

My God, no,
it's not right.

It's a tragedy.
I'll wait for you
in the office.

My God--
Hank,
it's a little late

to start pretending
that you like Jeannie.

Hey! Hey!

What are you doing
after the show tonight?

I--
No, wait a minute,
because I'm meeting

two lovely ladies
at the Bel Air Hotel.

Hey, hey, there's two of them,

you know, one of me,
so, you know--

no pressure.

Who can afford a hair weave?
Who can afford a transplant?

And for that matter,

who knows a baboon who wants
to give you his hair?

The first baboon
liver transplants.

Okay.
Very funny.

I don't think anybody
will remember that.

But that's-- okay, now,
and what is your name, sir?

Hank Kingsley.

It's going to be Hank.
Well, if Hank--

if it's gonna be Hank,
why isn't Hank here?

Hank has only one line,
and it's his own name.

Yeah, and you think
he can do that without
a rehearsal, Artie?

Oh, please.
All right, okay.

All right.
Here we go.

Well, your solution
is here.

It's Larry Sanders'
Hat in a Can.

Isn't "Cap in a Can"
funnier?

Cap in a Can. Ha!

You're right!
That's funnier.
Cap in a Can!

All right, Artie.
Don't. Come on.

Cap in a Can.

(chuckling)

All right,
then I-- what,

I spray it on his head
right then?

Now we...

And then we cut away,

and then we cut back.

He is wearing
the Cap in a Can hat.

Is that the one we're gon--
is this the hat we're gonna use?

Very funny.
Because, I mean,
this does not look

like it comes
out of a can.

This looks like--
I can understand

how this part
could come out of a can,

but the brim--
how would the brim

know to come out of the can
before the rest of the hat?

Are you actually
questioning the reality
of the Cap in the Can?

You know,
if I don't, who will?

I'm pissing in my pants,
conceptual flaw and all!

May we move on, please?

All right.

Don't we have
something else?
Seriously.

Excuse me--

Uh, I'm sure
that the writers

can cook up
something very funny

about your
marital disorders.

I mean, after all,
that is what will be

on every viewer's mind.

How many do you have?

A couple.
200.

Well, okay, he's been
working on them since 1989.

Was it that obvious?
Beverly:
Excuse me.

I'm sorry,
you can't do that.

I wasn't going to mention this
till after the show,

but Jeannie's attorney
just messengered this over.

Jeannie, through her attorney,
has issued a court order

"restraining Larry Sanders
or anyone connected with

"'The Larry Sanders Show'
from making jokes, remarks,

or any public mention
of Jeannie Sanders."

You're kidding.
Oh, shit.

I-- I recognize
this stationery.

Who's Jeannie's
attorney?
Marvin.

Mitchelson!
Oh, boy.

Now I'm not even gonna
end up with the dog.

Oh, no, no, no.

Lee Marvin lost
everything but the dog.

Um, Arthur, your son
Eddie called.

There's a problem.
What now?

Arthur, he's been
arrested for...

(whispering)
possession.

Call my lawyer-- I hope bail
money becomes tax-deductible.

It should with that hippie
in the White House.

Ow!

Get some water!
Get a towel!

Hops, what are the ingredients
of this Cap in a Can?

Listen to this--
and this is a direct quote

from Letterman.

"I'm not the kind of
person who wants to see

"somebody else fail
on television.

"Whatever
the future holds,

I'm in pretty good shape."

Now, Doc,
you're a professional.

Is this guy-- is this guy
on the level or what?

'Cause...
(knocking on door)

Ahoy there, matey.

What the fuck
are you doing?

Actually, I figured,
if I-- if I wore a patch,

Then it won't look odd
that you have one on.

People, you know,
will think it's a-- it's a bit.

What kind of bit?

Just, you know,
two guys with patches on.

Take it off.
Okay.

Take it off--
what's in the, uh--

what's in the box?

Oh. Ow.

This?
Yeah.

Larry.
Hmm?

Um, I'm okay.
I'm okay.

Um, we've been friends
for a very long time,

Mm-hmm.
Larry, and I--
it just breaks my heart

what this woman is
doing to you.

Yeah.
So...

I thought
this might help.

And this is
from me to you.

And, uh,
she's almost housebroken.

You know.

I have a dog.

No? No? Oh, no,
I heard that--
Yeah.

well, Jeannie
took the dog?

No, Jeannie didn't
take the dog.

Oh, well, Darlene must
have misunderstood.

Um, anyhow,
in that case,

then I hope you will accept
this little get-well gift.

Oh, thank you.
Oh, come on,
read the inscription.

Go ahead, read it.

It says,
"Have fun in Vegas."

I'm not going to Vegas.
Yes, you are.

We're going to Vegas,
you and me
(muttering)

and Barbara and Cindy--
I'm not going to Vegas.

who claim they have
never been there before.
We are not going to Vegas--

Now, you listen to me.
You listen to me.

You just listen to me.

Larry?

Larry, I've seen men
try to lose themselves

in their work
like this before--

Redd Foxx and Dick Shawn
and Regis Philbin.

Capisce?
Yeah.

Stress kills.

You hear that?
It kills.

But the best cure
for stress is...

(moaning)

Blowjobs?
Bingo.

Listen to this, Hank.

Did you see
this Letterman article?

Listen to this.

"I'm looking forward"--

This is a quote
from Letterman.

"I'm looking forward
to the competition.

That's what will
make the show better."

Yeah, but did you--
did you read this?

Look what
Paul Shaffer says.

"I don't care
where Dave goes,

as long as I go
with him."

What a little kiss-ass.

Artie:
No more tight shots
of Larry, God damn it,

and his eyes leaking
like Niagara Falls.

Stay wide.
Yes, stay wide!

It's the revolutionary
Cap in a Can.

(audience laughter)
All right.

What is your name, sir?

Bob Stevens.

(scattered laughter)

Who's Bob Stevens?

Bob Stevens is
an ordinary, everyday guy.

All right, Bob.

Uh, Bob.

You ready for
your new look?

Yes, I am.
And here is

your first
Cap in a Can.

Okay.
Good luck.

Thank you.

Aw, jeez.

(audience laughter)

(applause and laughter)

Well...

this is really
going to sell.

Bob, I guess you're
pretty sold on this product.

Aren't you, Bob?

Bob? Hank?

Yeah.

(applause)

Cap in a Can.

My next guests...
(rock music plays)

need no introduction.

Los Lobos!

♪ Maybe it's a place
that I won't know ♪

♪ Heading down
that whiskey trail ♪

Hey! You're on!
Really on!

A Cap in a Can--
hilarious.

Did you see Hank?

Yes. You can't buy those kind
of fuck-ups, Larry.

Didn't you hear the audience?
I mean, what do you want?

How's that eye?
I've forgotten
all about it.

You like them?
Like them?

They do rock.

♪ ♪

♪ Old whiskey trail ♪

♪ Daddy drank his dinner
from a paper sack ♪

♪ Made it out the door one day
and never came back ♪

♪ Headin' down ♪

♪ That whiskey trail ♪

♪ They say I'm a chip off
a son of a gun ♪

Hey, let's book
Boy George.

He's go his
smack problems behind him.

Fine with me.
Fine with me.

All I know is,
this is where I should be.

Right here, this is where
my priorities are.

Showbiz?

♪ Everything about it
is appealing ♪

I feel light-headed--
I'd dance with you.

You look pale.
Hey, Abram?

Do I look a little pale?
Yeah.

Just a tad touch me up.
♪ On whiskey trail ♪

That's fine.
Thanks.

No, that's fine.

What's wrong?

You ever had that happen
where you feel like

somebody grabbed you
when they weren't there?

No.
That was weird.

Artie, call a doctor.

You want
the studio nurse?

Call the doctor.
Is it your eye?

It's my--
it's my chest, Artie.

Is it right there?

Yeah.

That's a heart attack.

♪ The engines wail ♪

♪ Every night ♪

♪ On whiskey trail ♪

We thank thee for sparing
the life of Larry Sanders.

I first met Larry
in the spring of 1985.

My cruise liner was
moored off the...

uh, coast of Portugal, I--

Amen.

Hank? Hank?

Yeah, buddy?
Hank?

Yeah?

Get the fuck
off the bed.

I'd like a moment alone
With Beverly, please.

He wants a moment
alone with Beverly.

Hank, I heard
what he said.

Okay.

You're looking good,
my lad.

Racquetball,
two weeks.

Jeannie's right.
My priorities are
all screwed up.

Oh, Larry, don't be
so hard on yourself.

Look at me.
Look at me.

I can't end up
like this again.

This heart attack
is a warning sign,
don't you think?

It wasn't a heart attack,
it was a heart episode.

You know
what I mean.

I'm 40 years old.

I haven't made
one marriage work.

First of all,
you're 42,

and don't push so hard.

Just focus on the things
that make you happy.

You know what would
make me happy right now?

What's that?

The dog.

I want it.
Go get the dog.

Larry, I don't know
how to tell you this,

but Jeannie
stopped by earlier...

She did?

and she took the dog.

(elevator dinging)

Well, good morning,
Mr. Full-of-Life.

Good morning to you,
Hank.

Do you remember that, uh,
the private nurse you had?

Miss Ferguson?
Yeah. Sheila.

Sure.
Uh, anyway, I got
to talking to her,

and, well,
let's just say, uh,

She has a friend,
you see.
Uh-huh? Yeah.

And, uh--
I know where
this is going.

No, wait a minute--
Friend's also a nurse.

Nurse, and she's
equally attractive.

And what do you say?
Come on, you know.
I don't know.

Jeez--
Uh, two lovely nurses,

a little dinner
at the Bel Air Hotel.

Before you know it, you got
your head turned sideways,

you're coughing.
Okay, I tell you what,

I'm just gonna
go fuck myself, okay?

Hank, I'm sorry.
It's my first day back.

I'm a little on edge.
Ah, you see,
that's stress.

That's stress.
(sighing)
I am fine.

Stress, stress.
I hate it, you know?

Stress kills,
you know?

And-- and we all know,

we all know the best relief
in the world for stress is--

Don't say it, Hank.

(moaning)

Blowjobs.

Main floor, talk show.

Think about it.

Think about what?

He wants to set me up.

Ah, forget about it.

Surprise!

Man:
Larry Sanders
in the house.

Oh, my god, Larry,
you look so good.

Oh, thanks, Darlene.
Thank you.

We have monologue jokes
about your heart attack.

Uh, I-- It was not
a heart attack.

It was a mild
heart episode.

A heart episode.
Please. A heart episode.

Is that anything like
a "Designing Women" episode?

Yes, in that--
In that they both
make you sick?

Yes, and involve
fatty build-up.

There you go.
(laughter)

Hey, Larry, isn't your
cholesterol higher than your--

S.A.T.s.
He's back.

Get well cards.
How many?

Seven and a half pounds.

Seven and a half pounds!

Way to go, Lar.

Hey, well,
Wait a minute.

Last year,
when I broke my leg,

didn't I get nine pounds?

Yes, but you've got
two miles of faxes out there.

Well, all right.
Send them a nice,

personally autographed
photo of me.

Oh, should I put "Best wishes"
or "Thanks for caring"?

Ah, your choice.
Beverly, please.

Oh, leave him be,
Beverly.

Here's where you--

Artie, please.

Support.

Who's on the show?

Ed Harris,
Luther Vandross,

and as far as
I'm concerned,

a cure for
what ails you,

Miss Helen Hunt.

Um, well,
what can I say?

We, uh, play newlyweds
living in Manhattan,
Mm-hmm.

and, uh, he has a dog,

and I have
a neurotic sister,

and we both have jobs,

and, somehow in there,
"Mad About You."

And-- and are
you having fun?

Yes, having
a very good time.

Good. Well,
if I may say,

I think the viewing public
is watching because

they're mad
about you.
(chuckles)

Thank you very much.
(applause)

I personally think

that most people are
mad about you.

Larry.
No, most--

most, uh, most people
are mad at me.

(laughter)

So, listen...

when exactly is
the show on?

It's on 9:30
Saturday night.

That's a new time for us.

You know, we used to be on
Wednesdays after "Seinfeld."

So, uh, what have you been
doing in your spare time?

Oh, God, I haven't
really had any spare time.

You know, they picked us up
for 22 more shows,

and they could add more
to that on the back end.

Wow, if your back end
gets too big,

you gotta get
a Stairmaster.

(chuckles)

So, um...

well, let me see,
what I was gonna ask you

is how's the new
time slot working out?

Um, the ratings are
a little weaker,

but we have
a much stronger share,

Mm-hmm.
which is key, you know,
about Saturday nights.

Sure, sure.
How was your fish?

It's a little dry.

Now, didn't somebody tell me
that you went to Hawaii?

Is that right?

Yeah, the guy that
did my pre-interview
for your show?

That's right,
that's right.

Was there a funny
story about Hawaii?

'Cause we didn't get
to it on the air.
Yeah, actually.

A girlfriend and I were
snorkeling in the water,

and--
Hey, why don't you
hold that thought,

and, uh,
I'll be right back.

Okay, see you
in a minute.

No flipping.
You're a riot.

I am telling you,
it was like an interview.

All she talked about
was show business,

and all I did was
pretend to be interested.

All right, I mean,
maybe it's just well
it didn't go anywhere.

What do you mean
just as well?
She's not your type.

I won't book her anymore.

I told you
that earlier.

Larry, Larry,
I'm talking

to two girls out there
in the audience

Yeah.
who drove in
all the way from Anaheim.

Now they're Disney employees,
they're-- they're waitresses.

Where at?
Uh, the Dumbo Hilton--

the Dumbo Hyatt--
I don't know.

Anyway, do you think
they wanna drive

all the way back there
tonight? No, they do not.

I mean, after all,
that is a two-hour drive.

Yeah, I think that's just to
the monorail stop, isn't it?

So, where do you think

I told them they should
stay overnight?

Oh, I don't know--
Bel Air Hotel.
Bel Air Hotel.

Larry, this is 8-ball
in the corner pocket.

This is game over.

All we need are our cue sticks,
it sounds like to me.

Hey, now.
You bring the chalk.

(chuckles)
Chalk?

Think about it.

Did you get them all?

I got them all.
Huh? Okay.

You always get them all.
I shouldn't even ask.

(theme music plays)
Did you get them all?

She got them all.
I just asked her.

She always
gets them all.

Get ready to have
a good time with Dana Delany.

Announcer:
Live on tape from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show."
Tonight...

(laughter)

Oh, you finished that?
Yeah.

You know,
I've been known to have

wild palms myself.

Hank:
Hey now.

(laughing)

Don't worry,
they're not hairy.

(laughing)

Didn't want to say it.

All right.

Well, uh, what are
you working on now?

Oh, I don't want
to talk about that.

Everybody talks about
show business in this town.

Bores me to death.

How was your fish?

Um, a little dry.

Oh, really?
Really?
Yeah.

You know, I really
should get going.

Aren't you gonna
finish your dessert?

No, um, I gotta
get up early tomorrow.

Oh, are you working
on something?

Uh, no-- I'm not working.
I just-- I'm a morning person.

Oh.
How about you?

No, well, you know, I host
a late night talk show,

so I'm up late.

Yeah, but you shoot
during the afternoons.

Yeah, but I'm--
I'm so wired

from watching it that
I don't get to sleep

till like 3--
4 in the morning.

Let me get this.
Oh, no, let me--
let me get that.

No, no, no, no, please,
I had a great time.

I asked you.
I want to.

Well, do you want
to go back to my house

to watch ourselves
on the show?

Um, Larry?

I heard you had
a stroke or something.

No, I did not.
I'm excellent.

Gosh, I thought
I read somewhere

that you had a stroke.
No, no.

I had a minor
heart episode if that.

I don't know, maybe that's
what they're talking about.

Oh, my God,
you seem so young
to have that problem.

No, no, it is very common
among talk show hosts.

Regis Philbin had
angioplasty recently.

Let me help you
With that.

(chuckles)
Larry...

I don't want you to take this
personally or anything--

and-- 'cause
you're great, you are,

but, um, you're--
you're just not my type.

Really? Oh.

What is your type?

Well, it's not like
I really have a type.

But--
Oh.

It's just, you know, I just
got out of a relationship,

and I'm not ready
to get involved again.

Right.

Which one is it,
really?

Artie, I know
what you're doing,

And I just
want you to stop.
Do what?

You-- There's a very fine line
between being a booker

and a pimp.
Oh, thank you.

Look, this show is
the most highly advanced

video dating service
in the world.

Besides, left to
your own devices,

ooh, you don't
pick winners.

You know, you talk about it
like it's the track, Artie.

It is!
It is not the track.

Jeannie pulled up lame,

and that crazy
Philly Francine

should have been shot
in the infield.

Listen, I will
ruin my life

on my own,
thank you.
Go ahead.

Excuse me. Arthur,
It's one of your sons.

Eddie?
Steve.

Aw, shit.
Sheriff's station?

No, emergency room.

Oh.
It's line three.

Hey, how was the date
with Miss China Beach?

It was more of a
"get to know you" thing

than a date, really.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, well, what the hell.

What do you need
with her? I mean,

she's a pain in the ass.

Isn't she?
Yeah. Actresses.

I mean, they're all
pains in the ass,
I know.

you know.
Aren't they?

This is good.
This is--

this is--
this is funny.

Which one?
Shoes.

That's all it says.
"Shoes."

Yeah, I know.
That's great.
There's no joke there.

Listen, um...

I think, uh,
I know what you want,

and, uh, I happen to know
I just don't know if I--

these, uh, two girls
who work at The Gap,

Katya and Bri.

Uh, and, uh, they're--

they're very young
but, uh, but bright.

And-- and Bri has actually
had some community college.

Is that right?
Yeah.

Wow, is that
the Hollywood Gap

or the Santa Monica Gap?

Um, I don't--
I don't know.

Have you ever eaten
at the St. James Club?

No. Never.
Oh. Well, actually,
it's not-- it's not a club,

it's a--
it's a hotel.

But we could have
a night there.

Yeah.
You know. Will you
think about it?

You know? Okay?
I've decided to ruin
my life on my own.

But will you just
think about it?

Will you think--
I better ruin it
on my own.

All right.
Larry.

I can't take any more
of these, I might--

Get ready to have a very
good time with Teri Garr.

(sighing)

Where's Larry's
breath freshener?

Oh, I'm sorry, I--

Hank:
Omaha? Wonderful.

Isn't that where
Dorothy's from?

Oh, I mean Kansas--

Teri Garr.
She's-- she's cute.

She's funny,
isn't she?

Larry, I-- I'm sorry,

I-- I can't watch you
do this to yourself.

If you think dating
a bunch of actresses is

gonna turn
your life around,

well, I'll just have
the cardiac ward

reserve a room
for you right now.

Yeah, you think?
Hank: Applesauce!

But he's a trained dog.

He does a trick
when I, uh--

if I hold food
in front of his face,

and I ask him
a question

like, "Is it a nice day?"
and I go like this,

he goes "yes."

So he's kind of
a trained dog

and kind of,
uh, just a dog.

Well, you know,
my grandfather

will do that.

(laughter)

Really?
I don't know if that--
Yes, you can go,

"Grandpa...
isn't it cold outside?"

(laughing)

And he nods, even though
it-- it's 105 degrees.

(laughter)

Exactly what
you're talking--
And the joke is on Grandpa.

That's right!
Same with the dog.

(sighing)

Uh, we should
talk about this.

Uh, why don't we just
write it down?

Yeah, that's
a good idea.

Okay.

I don't know
what words to use.

Um, how about,

"This was probably
a mistake"?

Yeah, that's good.

And, um--

"It will never,
never happen again."

Good.
All right.

And, "We-- we--

"I should never have
a Xanax and wine--

together."
Oh, gosh,
me neither.

No. No Xanax...
Okay.

Is Larry in yet?
Mm-mm.

I know he's been dating
a lot of guests.

Don't you think it's
only a matter of time

before he works his way
around to one of us?

Mm.

It's gonna happen.
Let's face facts.

And when it does, it's
either gonna be you or me.

Right. Like Larry
would date a sister?

I don't think so.

Beverly, fine morning.
Good morning.

Darlene...

(whispering)
Never mind.

God.
It's me.

Listen, Steve.
Jesus Christ.

You better grow up,
you son of a bitch.

This is America.

You don't get caught.
You don't ever plead guilty.

You hear me,
you asshole?
Yeah. Jesus.

That is fascinating.
So you actually have a--

The-- The Gap actually has
a-- a branch in Santa Monica?

Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.
The location is great,

but the personnel manager
is such a bitch.

Oh, there is no excuse
for that, I hate that.

Bad.
That's not--
that's not right.

So, how do you
spell Katya?

K-A-T-Y-A,
huh, right?

Hmm?
Well, actually I-A.

Larry:
So it's actually
pronounced Kaht-ee-ah?

No, I think
it would be Kaht-yah.

Oh.
Kaht-yah, kaht-yah.

And then is Smith
just a common spelling?

Larry.
(laughter)

Um, would you boys just
excuse us for a minute?

Oh, go for it.
Ahem.
Okay.

We'll both be right back.

Great, well,
this is--

I mean, it's fun,
isn't it?

This is fun.
You having fun?

It's all right.
Yeah, I mean,
it's a refreshing change

from those, you know,
self-obsessed showbiz women.

You know.

Hey, hey,
isn't that Susan Anton?

Isn't that Susan?
Right there.

No.
Yeah.

No, very similar look, but--

No.
No, that's exactly
her look. Susan.

Hi, how are you?
Hey, Larry, hi.

Wha-- Uh, how are you?

I'm good, good.

Um, hey, why don't you
sit down and, uh--

Actually, uh, no,
we're in the middle

of something
right now, Sue.

Oh, oh, sure. Yeah.
Oh, well-- well pull--

pull up a chair.
Uh, there's
no extra chairs.

Yeah, you guys
figure it out, okay?

I've gotta go anyway.
Yeah.

It was nice
seeing you.

See you later on.
Oh...

What-- what are you doing?

Believe me,
this is something

you do not want
to get into right now.

Can I ask you
something?

What?

Um, I like the blonde.

Fine.
Great, thanks.

You're welcome.
Thanks for what?

We're back.
We're back.

Hello.
Hey.

So, uh, Katia, um,

how long have you
been in retail?
A while.

Larry, can I have
a bite of your cake?

You sure can.

Bri:
Save some for me.

I'm saving
the frosting for you.

Katia, Katia, um...
Bri: Good.

is it your dream to, uh,

someday have your own
retail... store?

It's delicious.

This is gonna
embarrass you, uh, Katia.

Katia?

You have--
you have the most--
(laughter)

I can't-- Can I--
do you mind?

I know it's embarrassing,
but that's the most

incredible blonde hair.

Ha ha ha ha!
Oh, Jesus.
Really.

No, you do.
You know.

Actually,
when I was a teenager,

My hair was very-- it was
very close to that color.

Mmm. I think
I need some air.

(laughs)

Oh, man.
Excuse me.

(grunting)

I don't know what
to say. I'm sorry.

Oh, no,
that's all right.

Can I ask you
something?
Yeah.

Are you having
a good time?

Yeah.
I-- I mean,
I-- I know that

you're used to going out with
big movie stars and stuff.

Those women have
a lot of problems.

They're bad news.
You have no idea.

Really?
Yeah.

You know who you should
have on your show?

Who?

Tom.

Tom Hanks?

No, no, no.
Tom, this guy
from my work.

He is, like,
the funniest guy

that I have ever met.

Sometimes when business
is really slow,
Mm-hmm.

he walks around the store

wearing the biggest pair
of pants that we've got.

I mean, like,
a man's size 62.

It is so fucking funny.

It sounds funny.
It is.

So, where can I tell him
to get in touch with you?

I mean, should I just
give him your phone number?

No more single dates,
no more double dates,
Right. Okay.

no more dates.
Okay, you're right.

No more women, okay.

But, uh, now,
listen to this.

My place in Malibu,
just you and me--

no chiquitas,
a few glasses of port,

some fine Cubanos,
maybe, I don't know,

a couple
of porno tapes.

How about a ball game?
You wanna do that?

Hey, I'm there!
Good, okay, okay, good.

Uh, baseball?

Yeah. You, me, Artie.
What do you say?

That's great.
Like the old days.
Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know what old days
you're talking about

in particular,
but that general idea.

Yeah.
And please,
no women.

Amen.

Who's that?

It's a woman.
Yecch.

Excuse me, the elevator's
always a little slow

because there's a--

Sorry to disappoint you.

You are hardly
a disappointment.

This is my first wife,
Francine.

You probably don't recall
'cause it's been quite a while.

Hi, Hank.

I'm sorry,
Francine.

You didn't recognize me,
that's okay.
How are you?

We only had you over to
the house that one time.

Oh, but again,
that blancat duveaux was--

it was extraordinary.

You know, I've been--
I've been wanting

to get that recipe--
(pager beeping)

from--
that's my beeper.

I don't think she's quite
got the hang of this.

Let's go over
this again.

You see, it's for
when you cannot see me.

You cannot see me.
Here, let me explain it.

Didn't we have him over
to the house more than once?

No, we didn't.

You only let me invite
each of your friends

over one time.
Really?

Oh, I must have been
really an asshole.

No, not really. Who wants
to have those friends over

more than once anyway?

Right, right, right.
This elevator's slow.

What were you
doing here?

Oh, um, I'm working
on this piece about

Hollywood unions.

I was interviewing some
of the tech people here.
Uh-huh.

Lot of productions
going up to Canada,

and some of these
guys are really--

You look great.

You weren't listening.
Yes, I was.

You were talking about
the Hollywood unions

and, uh, tech people
really getting hurt.

I bleed for
those people,
you know?

But you really do
look great.

No, son, this detox
will be good for you.

What's that? What?

Well, where in the hell
do you think you are?

You're in Minnesota.

Red alert, Artie.

Why?

Well, Steve,
I love you, son,
that's why.

Larry is talking
to Francine.

Oh, Jesus! God!
I'll call you back.

Who let
the crazy bitch
in here?

I have no idea.
She's gonna fuck him up
for weeks.

I heard you had
a heart attack
or something.

Your wife left you,
but I didn't hear

about the Emmy--
Yeah, we didn't get
nominated again.

Aw, I'm sorry. Those
are such nice statues.

Aren't they?
Aren't they?
Yes.

You know?
And now I'm just gonna--

I built all these
bookshelves.

I'm gonna have
to put books on 'em, you know?

Which fools nobody.
Don't I know.

Now people just come over,
they see all the books,

they think,
"Hey, no Emmys."
No Emmy.

Right.
Do you want to go
to, uh, dinner?

Oh.

Is that a yes?

No, I'm--
I'm thinking.

Oh.

I'm thinking, too.

Sorry the elevator's
so slow.

Oh, well, I haven't
pushed the button yet.

This place is very dark
and sad, don't you think?

Yeah.
You come here
a lot, huh?

No, I don't.

Really?
Mm-mmm.

There's a caricature of you
over there on the wall.

Oh, that's
Barbra Streisand.

Hmm, that looks
exactly like you.

Well, you know, these aren't
supposed to be flattering.

Caricatures never are.

You see Nick Nolte
over there?
Mm-hmm.

Look, he looks
like Rose Marie.

How do you think he feels?
Oh, oh, I thought
that was Gene Autry.

Huh? No.
That's Nick Nolte.

Excuse me,
Mr. Sanders.

Mr. Ovitz would
like you to accept

this bottle of champagne
with his compliments.

Oh, thanks.

Just set it down
and tell Mr. Ovitz

thank you very much.
I sure will, sir.

He hates me.

Then why are you
waving at him?

Because he's waving at me.
He's a very powerful man.

He could get me a movie.
Do you want a movie?

No, but it would be
nice to be asked.

Stop waving.
I can't stop waving.

Help me stop.
Do something.

Just-- (sighing)

You just gave
Mike Ovitz the finger.

What is wrong with you?

Would you stop?
He didn't even--
Stop what?

He didn't even see it.
He saw you.

He saw you.
He doesn't need
to see it.

He can feel it.
He's an agent.

You know how many times
he gets flipped off

behind his back
in a given week?

He's sitting there
right now going,

"Wow, someone just
flipped me off."

It comes from deep down
in those guys.

Boy, you have
really changed.

I know.
I like it.

Yeah?
Yeah, but you
gotta be careful

'Cause someone's gonna
shoot you in this town

if you flip 'em off
like that.

What if I told you
I have a gun?

You have a gun?

Yes, I do.

Jesus,
you've changed.

I know.

I want to thank them for
returning the couch and Hank.

Oh.
It's-- it's on a--

it's on a--
it's on a timer.

Wait a minute.

Oh, that--

that thing's
happening again,

where your--
where your suit disappears
into the curtain.

Oh, yeah--
Like, you know,
like the--

Looks like a big
floating head.

Yeah.
That doesn't really
bother me anymore anyway.

Really?
Well, that's good.

Great.
Thank you.

(Larry talking on TV)

Well, I'm gonna...

Where are you going?

No, I-- I have a deadline
and you have a show to watch.

No, no, no,
no, no, no. Look--

(TV clicks off)
There.

Oh, that's a very
sweet gesture--

Sweet gesture? I don't turn
my show off for anybody.

I know, but I--
I still have a deadline.

I'm gonna go downstairs
to get my clothes.

That was great sex.
I had a great time.

It was-- it was--
Well-- well, wait a minute.

Now, aren't--
aren't you, um--

Can I have, you know...

What?
You know, could
I have your number?

My phone number?
Yeah.

Well--
(telephone rings)

I'm not gonna get that.

I don't believe you.

I'm not. I'm not
gonna get that.

(phone beeps)
Larry, it's Artie.

I know you went to dinner
with Francine,

but, Jesus, God, lad,

I'm warning you,
don't have sex with her.

Larry?

♪ ♪