All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S01E08_English

Hank:
Now that sign says
"applesauce."

(laughter)
No, no, no, no.

I'm kidding.
It says "applause."

Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once?

(applause)
All right.

Now remember,

you're all a big part
of the show,

so the better you are,
the better Larry is.

Okay, now you see
this gentleman?

He's giving me this sign
and it says,

"We're on
in 10 seconds,

so get ready
to have a good time."

Now here we go.

Man:
In five,

four, three, two...

(theme music playing)

Hank:
Live, on tape
from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight, join Larry
and his guests

Treat Williams,
Helen Gurley Brown

and Paula Poundstone,

and me-- hey now--
Hank Kingsley!

And now,
because he's so pumped up
with adrenaline

it would be a shame
to waste it,

Larry Sanders!

(cheering and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.
Please.

Thank you very much.

Hank.

Well, two big events
coming up,

two huge
political events.

November 3rd, of course,
is the election.

November 4th

is the day Jerry Brown
may drop out.

(laughter)

Perot dropped out,
of course,

because they
wouldn't put a Supercuts
in the White House.

(laughter)

Are these jokes
to you, Hank?

How's the monologue going?
Not bad, Jerry,

considering everything
you wrote is dying.

What about
my favorite joke?

You mean your only joke?
Yeah.

It's dying.

It was a fine show,
not a best-of,

but a fine, fine show.

The monologue
was awful.

Piece of shit.
But you're hilarious
when you're bombing.

Well, I've been getting
a lot of practice lately.

What-- what the hell
is wrong with Jerry?

He's a great
head writer,

but everybody
goes through a slump
from time to time--

everybody but you,
of course.
Oh, shut up.

Great show, Mr. Sanders.
Oh, thank you, man.

Kyle, thanks.

Kyle.
Thank you again, Kyle.

Who the hell is that?
Kyle.

I assume,
but who the hell
is he?

Kyle?

He's been our
associate director
for three months.

Three months?
We should find out

if he has any
head-writing experience.
I'll check.

(laughing)

Have a good evening,
gentlemen.

Come on,
we're gonna be late.

What's with those two?
Peas in a pod.

Lesbians?

No, they're friends,
close friends.

Since when?

Ever since they were
in that car accident
four years ago.

One of them can't get
through a metal detector.

Which one?
Which one do you think?

How would I know which one?
I don't even know
who Kyle is.

Oh, Larry, don't worry
about Kyle,

or who's full of metal
and who isn't.

Just concern yourself
with the weightier issues.

Suzanne Somers tomorrow--

do you want her to bring
the ThighMaster?

My point is, I'm
completely out of touch
with everything.

I don't know
what's going on anymore.
I don't want to be

one of those guys
who ends up isolated
in some ivory tower.

What are all these?
Uh, bills.

Can I help?
No.

Well, what is
this one here?

Uh, $1500
to Aeromexico.

Oh, really?
Are we going to Mexico?

No.

Our cleaning lady's
mother died,

and so I lent her
the money

to send the body
back to Honduras.

Couldn't get
a Super Saver?

What is this one?

That's for a new
garbage disposal.

Did we have
trouble with the old
garbage disposal?

Yes.
Was it just
clogging up?

When you put
the food down,
it wouldn't grind?

Jee, I'd really like
to know

about this stuff,
get a little more
involved.

Honey, why don't you
try out the new chair?

Is this a new--
is this a new chair?

Yes.

I did not know that.

Honey, your show's on.
Why don't you turn on
the TV?

Yeah, I'm waiting
for the monologue
to be done with.

I can't watch it again
for the second time--

too much pain.

My head writer's
not doing his job.

Well, what's Jerry's
problem?

I don't know,
he's probably
going through

some emotional crisis
or something.

(Jerry moaning)

(woman moaning)

I'm the head writer.
Tell me again.

Jerry:
I'm the head writer.

Woman:
Tell me again.

Jerry:
I'm the head writer.

Thank you.
Mm-hmm.

This is very cold.
I know, I'm sorry.

This can't possibly
be number seven
for 45 seconds.

I know, Larry,
but I got distracted
for a moment.

By what?

Oh, forget it.
It's not important.

No, Beverly, Beverly,
I really want to know.

What could be
more important
than my burrito?

You're my boss, right?
Yes.

So, technically,
I have no choice
but to tell you.

You mean, "legally."
Yeah.

Larry,

I just saw
Jerry and Sally

having sex.

Who's Sally?

The new runner.

Right here
in this building,
on your set,

right in the back
of your desk.

Jesus Christ.

Was my mug out there?

'Cause in this
day and age, you can't--

You know what?
They've been doing this
for two weeks now.

Why didn't I know
about this?

Well, it's office gossip.
You're above that
sort of stuff.

I am not above
that sort of stuff.
I am right at that level,

if you want
to know the truth.
Tell me everything.

How graphic
do you want it?

Use your judgment.
Just steer clear of
the phrase "Jerry's penis"

when I'm biting into
this cold burrito.

Hey, boss,
you got a minute?

Yeah, come on in.

Then you come
right back.

Okay, I'll go
rinse out your mug,
get you some fresh coffee.

Thank you.
Right back.
Okay.

What is it, Phil?
I just wanted
to drop off these jokes.

Hope I'm not going over
anybody's head on this,

but I wanted you
to get these on time.

Okay, thanks.
Good.

This shows
initiative, Phil.
Good job.

Well, uh, I kind of
had to,

because my supervisor,
if you will,

wasn't around.
So I did these

without any
of his input.

It's just something
I felt that I had to do
on my own.

Right, right.
I understand.
Thanks.

Okay.

You know I'm talking
about Jerry, right?

He's really fucking up.

Now all I'm asking for

is a little floor monitor
right to the side here

so that I could maybe
better follow

all the action
on the show.

But you're
on the show.

I know.
It's just,

well, sometimes,
you know, I still--

I have trouble
following.

Well, we'll just give you
a hot dog and a beer

and you can
sit there and watch it
on a little TV

like those guys do
at a ballgame.

No, no, I don't--
I don't want to eat
anything.

Now look,

last week Charlton Heston
leaned forward

and I couldn't see
Larry's eyes.

No?
No.

His eyes--
they're my guidepost.

I can't see his eyes--
I can't tell if he
needs me.

All I could see was
Mr. Heston's rug

and a little bit of the back
of Larry's jacket.

That-- that's a tragedy.

Well, you didn't
appear hampered.

You did a wonderful job--
one of your better
efforts, in fact.

Well, thank you.

You know what they say--
in the face of adversity.

Artie, can I talk
to you a second?
Yeah.

Hey, Artie...

Yeah.
What's he want?
A dog?

So what's up?

It's about Jerry
and Sally.

Fucking, I know.

I knew you knew.
But do you know where?

Behind your desk.
That's new carpeting.

That little prick--
I'm gonna talk to him.

Listen, I want
to talk to him, Artie.
I've been thinking,

I'm not involved
on a day-to-day basis
enough

with the stuff
in the show.

Larry, most of
the people in the office
are only there

to keep that
day-to-day bullshit
out of your hair.

You're not
gonna enjoy this.
For me, it's a perk.

Kicking ass in the morning
is better than cappuccino.

I know, and I appreciate
that, Artie,

but I want to be
connected.

I want to be
part of the loop.

It's taken us eight years
to totally disconnect you,

the way you always
wanted to be.

So keep this in mind--
if I connect you,

you will be connected.

Fine, then connect me.

Fine, connected
you will be.
Good.

Hey, Artie.
Yeah?

Do you ever notice
that we get caught up

in a certain kind
of thought process?
Thought process?

Yeah, thought process.
What thought process?

Like the thought process
we're involved in
right now.

I think we should
try and catch it,
put a stop to it.

Fine, then stop it
we shall do.
Good.

I don't know what's
wrong with me, man.

I'm really beat.

Listen, why don't you
just lay down, take
a little nap?

Yeah, what the heck?

Wow, I can feel
the magic in here.

Can I talk to Jerry alone
for a minute?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Come on, guys,
let's get out of here.

How's it going, Jerr?

Fine.

(door closes)

You know, you're not
fooling anybody.

I mean,
I know what's going on
between you and Sally.

Who told you?
What do you mean,
who told me?

You were
humping behind my desk.
We're all talking about it.

Jeez, pretty inappropriate
behavior, don't you think?

Yeah.

(sighs)

Look, you have a big
future ahead of you.

Don't risk it
over some woman
that you don't really--

Here are your pens,
Jerry.

I'm going
to the kitchen.

You want some soup?

Yeah, chicken noodle
is good.

Mr. Sanders, would you like
some chicken noodle soup?

Sure, that sounds good.
Thank you.

Okay.

Sally?

Sally.

She's cute.

Way to go.

I've been around.
I once had a relationship

with a girl when I was
working as a writer

on "Norm Crosby's
Comedy Shop."
Yeah?

I was having
a thing with one
of the secretaries.

What happened?
Huh?

What happened?

Norm pulled me aside,
he says,

"Hey, I heard you're having
one of those inter-orifice
relationships

with one of the girls
in the sterno pool."

So what did you--
did he fire you?

I quit.

I can't write
that malaprop shit.

What happened?

I said, "This job is
a pain in the bass,"

and I got out of there.

All right,
so I can write it.
Yeah.

Anyway, get it together,
come on.
I will.

All right?
Yeah, thanks.

Psst!
Oh, jeez.

How did the talk go?
Fine.

It's not too late
to take you out of
the loop.

I said
it went fine.

You enjoy
being connected?

Interesting.

Yes.

Jeez.

And the newsletter's
just about ready
to go out.

All I need now
is the "Hank's Thoughts"
column.

Okay.
Oh, right.

Right.
Want some?

No, thank you.

Thoughts, thoughts.

It's October.

And we all know
what that means.

If Princess Di
were here,

I'd tell her,
"Hang in there."

I'd kill for a Dreamsicle
right now.

Maybe it's me,

but I think
Sharon Gless

should be on TV
every night.

If I had my druthers,

there would be
no more world hunger.

What do you think?

A couple more.
Okay.

I sure do miss
The Cowsills.

That mini-skirted mom
sure was sexy.

Jesus,

I think that's
Jerry and Sally

fucking in
the parking lot.

Wow, I am telling you,

nothing beats that
missionary position.

I think I have
enough, Hank.

Yeah, hurry up and
put it in the computer

and get it out
to the fans.

I might just do
a little editing.

No, no, no,

we never edit
"Hank's Thoughts."

Fine.

Larry:
Hey, Hank.

Come here.
Listen--

Come here.
Come here.

Don't make me look
at your car again.

Look, look, look.
What?

That.

Jesus, I just talked
to him.

Yeah, get a load
of that.

God, that little
rat bastard,

I thought you had
a talk with him.

I did.
Hell of a lot
of good it did.

If he bangs her
any harder, the airbags
are going to inflate.

Hey now.

Hey, you little shit!
Enjoy yourself,

'cause you're going
to be fired!

Look, it didn't even
faze him.

Mr. Connected, are you
going to do the firing?

You bet.

Wow.

I thought I had
a hairy ass.

Not that I haven't
done it

in a car
in a parking lot,

but Jesus Christ.

I can't help it.

My old girlfriend dumped me
and I felt like shit.

Suddenly this girl
comes around and says

I remind her
of her teddy bear.

What am I supposed to do?
You saw her.

Larry, the last thing
in the world I want to do

is let you down.

Anything that you do to me,
I deserve it.

I'm worthless as a writer
and as a man.

I need help.

I'm addicted
and I need a program.

Hey, excuse me, Larry.
Phil.

Here's some extra stuff
for tonight's monologue.

Great.
Hey, Jerr.

What's the matter?
You got a cold?

Anyway, there are
some generics

and a couple
of political things.

In fact, I think
I've cracked that
Ross Perot sketch.

Great, thank you, Phil.
We'll talk about that later.

Okay, take care
of yourself, buddy.

Kiss-ass.

Excuse me, were you
talking to me or were you
talking to yourself?

I was actually talking to you.

The only reason you're able
to write so much

is 'cause you never
get laid.
Larry: Oh, please.

Yeah, well, at least
I'm not porking
the runners.

Come on, hey, hey,
there's breakable
stuff in here--

plaques, so forth.
Thank you.

Okay, okay, okay.

Please.
I'm going.

Hope you like
the jokes.

Chynna Phillips
wants to do the show
by herself.

Fine, book her.
What else?

Sean Young.
(blows bubbles)

Got it.

What else?

Um, my boyfriend.

Is he on the show?

No, no, it's just that--
What?

You know how you said
now we could discuss

things with you
other than business?

Yeah, absolutely.

Forget it.
It's stupid.
Come on.

It's-- no.
I'm-- forget it.

I'm-- okay,
'cause here I am.

Thank you.
I know.

Thanks.

Man:
All the stress
is dissolving.

Picture yourself, uh,

by a lake
in Connecticut.

And the only sounds
you hear

are that of birds
and lapping water.
(door opens)

Larry.
Paula?

What's on your mind?

Oh, god, what isn't
on my mind?

Do you mind if I just
start at the beginning

and then we'll just
work from there?

This is so wrong.

If he catches us,
he's gonna kill us.

He's gonna fire me.

Are you really
the head writer?

You know I am.

We can't do this.
I gotta be strong.

I'm gonna go
watch the show.
Okay.

Come on.

I'm not quite sure
whether I really like him

or I'm just using him to,
like, give me the attention
that I need

because I felt so lonely
after Radu and all that
bullshit.

Or if I just--?
Paula, you know,

I have a show
to do, okay?

But here's
a little advice.

What I would do is--

sounds to me
like Eddie--

with Eddie, you get
a lot of boyfriends
at once,

so I would stay
with him, okay?

Number two--
I'd buy the car.

I think it's over
your price range,

but you'll feel good
about yourself.

Number three--
put your mother
in a nursing home.

Don't even give it
a second thought.

Now you don't do
many talk shows.
Why is that?

Well, because,

well, on a movie
you've got--

you've got
a couple of months

to work on an idea
that you're gonna express.

But here
on a talk show,

you've got to get
that same idea across

in three and a half minutes
and in three and a half
minutes--

I'm sorry, Peter.
We have to take
a commercial break.

Can you hold
that thought?
Good.

Okay, we'll be right back
with Peter Falk.

(theme music playing)
(cheering and applause)

Man:
Clear.

Don't ask me back
on this fucking show again.

What's that?

I said,
don't ask me back

on this fucking
show again.

This was delightful,
just delightful.

I know this guy--
your producer.
He's bad news.

Yeah?

Yeah. Delightful?
Delightful my ass.

Larry, I'm sorry
you had to have this
son of a bitch on the show.

All right, you want to go?
You want to go right now?

Let's go right here,
right now!

(both laughing)

You guys.
I love this
son of a bitch.

You guys are something.

Hey, look at this guy.

What's going on
up there?

Up where?

There, on the stairwell.

Arthur:
That's our head writer

making out
with his girlfriend.

Sorry you had
to see this, Peter.

Yeah, what you must
think of us.

Well, it's nothing
I haven't seen before,

but not in a room
full of 250 people.

Man:
Back in five.

I want to see
those two in my office
after the show.

(theme music playing)

(cheering and applause)

We're back
with Peter Falk.

Now this kidnapping episode
you did on "Columbo"--

now that was a departure
for you, wasn't it?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, I'm sorry,
what was the question?

The kidnapping episode
on "Columbo"

that you did--
that was--

I'm in the middle
of a Peter Falk interview

and we have to look up
and see you doing that?

What are you
thinking?

Sally and I are
very much in love.

Oh, jeez.
No, no, no, no.

And we are
spontaneous people.

Hold on, hold on.
How often in life do you
find someone that--?

Mr. Sanders,
can I say something?
Please.

I've accepted a position
on "Saturday Night Live"
as a talent coordinator.

What?
I'll be leaving
for New York on Tuesday.

When were you planning
on telling me?

I don't know.
I didn't know
when to tell you.

Well, this is a good time.
I don't think you ever
were gonna tell me.

I was gonna tell you, Jerry.
Oh, really?

Yes, I was.
Were you really
gonna tell me?

All right, any time
is a good time

for open and
honest communication.
This is a good start.

I can't believe this.
I-- I--

I put every--
Would you--?

Hold on a second.
I put everything
on the line for you.

Jerry, wait a second.
What did you think
this was?

We had a great time,

but this is another
great opportunity
for me.

In New York!
Okay, good.

You'll have a little time
to get away from
each other,

test the relationship.
And this is very
positive.

Yes. Besides that,
this gives me a chance

to be with my
boyfriend again.

You have
a boyfriend?

Yes, I do.
He's a writer
on the Letterman show.

That is wrong
on so many levels.

Now I don't know
where to start.

Hey, Larry,
you got a minute

for a couple sketch ideas?
Phil, not now, please.

They may be kind of rough.
I'm sort of pitching
in the dark

'cause I haven't had
much direction.
Oh, you son of a--

What? What?
Son of a what?
Son of a bitch!

Yeah? What are you
doing here?

Taking a little
nooky break?
Oh, thank you.

Jerry: You've been riding
my ass all week.
Hello, a meeting?

Are you kidding me?
I've been saving
your ass.

Saving my ass?
My ass?
I have a meeting.

Jesus, why don't
you go get a job on
"The Byron Allen Show"?

Bump it down
three points.

Keep going.

Okay, that's it.
Take five.

Excuse me, sorry.
Artie, you gotta
disconnect me.

You couldn't fire
Johnny Big Balls,
could you?

No, it's a lot more
than that, Artie.

Listen, these people--
they're like leeches.

I'm telling you,
they sense a life force

and they just
suck the energy
out of you, Artie.

I can't go through
this kind of thing.

You gotta help me,
get me out of this.
I warned you, didn't I?

It's harder to disconnect
than it is to connect.

I just want
out of the loop.

This is a bad,
evil loop, Artie.

Get me out, please.

I'm begging you.
Well...

Oh, Artie, don't.
Don't do this.

What about the girl?
The girl took care
of herself.

You're not
gonna believe this.
She got a job over at--

"Saturday Night Live,"
talent coordinator.

Lorne Michaels and I
go way back

to when he was trying
to get his green card.
We're like that.

Son of a bitch.

Thank you, Artie.

It's all right.

Listen, I told Paula

not to put her mother
in a nursing home.

Well, see, that's where
you and I really disagree
now, okay?

She's 53,
fit as a fiddle.

I did not know that.

Guys, excuse me.
Have you seen Darlene?

What's the matter?
Nothing.

There's just a little
newsletter mix-up.

I saw Darlene.
She was FedExing a whole
stack of these things.

Shi-i-i-it.

(theme music playing)