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WHOO! OH, THIS TIME NEXT WEEK, CALIFORNIA.

WERE YOU EVER THERE?

OH, SURE. FOR 6 WEEKS.

I WAS TOURING WITH A MUSICAL.

MIDDLE OF DECEMBER, I WAS SWIMMING.

WHAT PART WERE YOU PLAYING?

OH, I WAS IN THE DANCING CHORUS.

DID YOU HAVE ANY SONGS?

NO, I COULDN'T HIT THE NOTES.

I JUST MOVED MY LIPS.

THE OTHER 18 GIRLS DID THE SINGING.

WHAT WAS THE SHOW YOU DID?

OKLAHOMA, A REVIVAL.

YOU'RE ALWAYS DOING REVIVALS. HOW COME?

WELL, SOMEBODY HAS TO DO IT.

HA HA.

WE'RE GONNA LIVE OUT IN THE VALLEY.

IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL THERE.

I HEARD IT'S VERY HOT IN THE VALLEY

WITH FAKE PALM TREES.

THEY'RE NOT FAKE.

YOU CAN REACH OUT YOUR WINDOW

AND PICK ORANGES AND LEMONS.

I REMEMBER STAYING WITH GRANDMA.

I WAS 4 1/2.

OH, YOU WERE NEVER 4 1/2. YOU WERE BORN 26.

WHAT ARE THE BIRDS LIKE OUT THERE?

OH, THEY'RE JUST THE SAME AS HERE

EXCEPT THEY'RE OUT THERE.

I HEAR THEY SAY OAR-ANGE

INSTEAD OF ORANGE. SO?

YOU THINK TONY WILL BE A MOVIE STAR?

NO, NOT YET. HE'S JUST AN ACTOR.

STARS HAVE TO BE ACTORS FIRST,

DON'T THEY?

YEAH, WELL, IT HELPS.

BUT ONE DAY, KIDS IN SCHOOL MIGHT SAY

"HEY, IS TONY DeFOREST YOUR FATHER?"

HE ISN'T REALLY MY FATHER, IS HE?

WELL, MAYBE ONE DAY.

I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE.

OH, SHUT UP!

CAN I SHOW TONY ALL MY NEW CLOTHES FIRST?

LATER. YOU HAVE HOMEWORK TO DO.

HOMEWORK? WHY?

WE'RE MOVING TO CALIFORNIA NEXT WEEK.

BUT THEY HAVE HOMEWORK THERE, TOO,

YOU KNOW.

THEY DO? I THOUGHT THEY JUST SKATEBOARDED ALL DAY.

OH. SMART ASS.

CAN I JUST SHOW HIM MY BLUE SWEATER

AND MY NEW JEANS? ALL RIGHT.

BUT BRUSH YOUR HAIR AND WASH YOUR FACE.

AND NO MAKEUP.

TONY! HEY, TONE, YOU HOME?

I GOT YOU A PRESENT.

HON, YOU IN THE BATHROOM?

OH. BLOOMINGDALE'S WAS ON SALE.

WE CLEANED 'EM OUT.

BUT WE CAN'T EXCHANGE ANYTHING.

I BOUGHT YOU A PRESENT.

TONY, COME TAKE A LOOK.

TONY?

TONY?

TONY?

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT HAPPENED?

HE'S GONE.

HE LEFT WITHOUT US.

FOR CALIFORNIA?

FOR ITALY.

HUH?

CAN I READ IT?

"DEAR PAULA,

THIS ISN'T AN EASY LETTER TO WRITE."

DOESN'T START OFF TOO GOOD, DOES IT?

"WHERE THE HELL DO I BEGIN?

YOU KNOW YOU AND THE KID MEAN A LOT TO ME."

THE KID?

"I TURNED DOWN THE JOB IN L.A.

"IT WAS JUST A LOUSY TV MOVIE ANYWAY.

"ON MONDAY, STAN FIELDS CALLED.

HE GOT ME A PICTURE WITH ROBERTO BEN--BENIGNO."

BENIGNI.

WHO'S ROBERTO BENIGNI?

HE'S AN ITALIAN DIRECTOR.

WHAT DID HE DIRECT?

WHAT DO I KNOW? WHAT ARE YOU

ASKING ME QUESTIONS LIKE THAT NOW FOR?

"IT'S A 6-MONTH SHOOT IN SPAIN AND ITALY.

"IT'S A HELL OF A PART, PAULA, AND I WANT IT.

I BROKE MY ASS--"

ALL RIGHT. THAT'S ENOUGH.

LET ME HAVE THAT.

"ASS." I'VE HEARD THE WORD BEFORE.

"I BROKE MY ASS FOR 12 YEARS IN THIS TOWN,

"AND THINGS

"ARE FINALLY BEGINNING TO BREAK FOR ME.

"I TOLD YOU

"WHEN YOU FIRST MOVED IN HERE WITH ME

"THAT IT WAS NEVER GOING TO BE PERMANENT.

HELL, I'M NOT EVEN DIVORCED FROM PATTY YET."

WHO'S PATTY?

I TOLD YOU ABOUT HER.

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE UPSET

IF YOU WERE LIVING WITH A MARRIED MAN.

I WASN'T LIVING WITH HIM. YOU WERE.

I WAS IN THE NEXT ROOM.

I'M SORRY!

"I LEFT EARLY TODAY

"BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK A GOOD-BYE SCENE

WOULD DO ANY OF US ANY GOOD."

THIS IS ONE OF THE WORST LETTERS

I'VE EVER READ IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

ISN'T IT TERRIBLE?!

"I WISH I HAD SOMETHING TO LEAVE YOU AND THE KID."

HE DIDN'T LEAVE US ANYTHING?

NO.

"I HAD TO SELL MY WATCH AND MY CAMERA

TO PAY OFF THE LOAN SHARKS."

HE OWED MONEY TO SHARKS?

I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU LATER.

"BUT I KNOW YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

YOU CAN ALWAYS GO BACK TO DANCING."

DANCING?! I'M 36.

I CAN HARDLY WALK ANYMORE.

"YOU DESERVE MORE THAN I CAN GIVE YOU."

WHY? WHAT'D HE GIVE US?

"I WISH YOU EVERYTHING. LOVE TO THE KID."

DON'T READ ANYMORE.

IT'S JUST ONE MORE WORD.

"TONY."

DOES THIS MEAN WE'RE NOT GOING TO CALIFORNIA?

THEN I BOUGHT THE WRONG CLOTHES TODAY.

OH.

I CAN'T SLEEP, EITHER.

OH. COME HERE. COME HERE.

IS THIS ALL WE HAVE IN THE BANK?

OK.

LET'S SELL THE FURNITURE.

IT'S NOT OURS.

SOME MOTHER I AM.

IT'S NOT YOU.

IT'S THE GUYS YOU LIVED WITH.

THINK I WOULD HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON.

NEXT TIME YOU SEE ME TALKING TO AN ACTOR,

JUST KICK ME IN THE...

WE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

YOU STILL LOVE ME, HMM?

MAYBE WE COULD BORROW MONEY

FROM THE SHARKS.

1, 2, 3, 4.

ARCH YOUR BACK, 7, 8.

AND DOWN--

I SEE YOU, PAULA.

THAT'S RIGHT. ARCH YOUR BACK.

GET THAT KNEE UP. THANK YOU.

PAULA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR BODY?

IT DIED. HAVE A LITTLE RESPECT.

NICE. GET READY TO TURN.

1, 2, 3, 4.

HALF A SECOND. BEAUTIFUL.

EVERYBODY HAPPY? LET'S GO.

AND...

ARCH THE BACK.

PAULA.

I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU.

DONNA DOUGLAS. I WAS IN SOUTH PACIFICWITH YOU.

OH, THE REVIVAL. HI, DONNA.

TOUGH GETTIN' BACK INTO SHAPE, ISN'T IT?

IT'S BEEN 2 YEARS.

IT'S AMAZING HOW FLABBY YOU GET

WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE HAPPY.

HEY, UH, YOU KNOW I LIVED WITH BOBBY.

BOBBY WHO?

BOBBY KULIG, YOUR EX-HUSBAND.

OH. I GUESS THE MARRIAGE SLIPPED MY MIND.

HEY, UH,

YOU STILL LIVIN' WITH TONY DeFOREST?

I DON'T THINK SO.

I DIDN'T SEE HIM AT BREAKFAST.

HI.

SORRY. OH.

YOU LEAVIN' TONIGHT OR TOMORROW?

I'M SORRY. WHAT WAS THAT, MRS. CROSBY?

JUST CHECKIN' ON WHAT TIME YOU'RE VACATIN'.

OH, UH, WE'RE NOT GOING TO CALIFORNIA.

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.

WELL, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE YOU FORGOT TO TELL.

THAT APARTMENT'S BEEN SUBLET.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WE'RE PAID UP THROUGH JUNE.

YOU CAN'T SUBLET THE APARTMENT.

I'M NOT. YOUR MAN DID, HONEY.

HE SUBLET OUR APARTMENT?

YES. HE NOTIFIED ME A FEW DAYS AGO.

IT WAS HIS NAME ON THE LEASE.

SO HE COULD DO WHAT HE WANTS.

YOU JUST BE SURE YOU LEAVE IT THE WAY YOU FOUND IT.

WAIT, I'M NOT LEAVING IT.

I CLEANED THAT AND PAINTED IT

AND DECORATED IT,

AND I DON'T CARE WHAT HE DID.

I AM NOT GETTING OUT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

AIN'T MY BUSINESS, HONEY.

YOU CAN TAKE THAT UP WITH THE SUBLETEE.

I DON'T WANT NO TROUBLE IN MY BUILDING.

THAT BASTARD.

THAT NO-GOOD BASTARD.

UH-HUH.

I'M NOT CLEANIN' THAT UP.

WHAT'S A SUBLETEE?

SOMEONE WHO'S NOT GETTING INTO THIS APARTMENT.

WHY SHOULD HE? IT'S OURS, ISN'T IT?

NO, IT'S TONY'S.

HE RENTED IT OUT TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

HE RENTED OUT OUR APARTMENT?

WHAT A CRAP-HEAD.

WHO'S THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IT'S TONY.

MAYBE HE CHANGED HIS MIND

AND CAME BACK.

OH, YOU ARE SO YOUNG. STAY HERE.

WHO IS IT?

ELLIOT GARFIELD.

WHO?

ELLIOT GARFIELD FROM CHICAGO.

IS TONY IN?

UH, THERE'S NO TONY HERE.

THERE ISN'T? TONY DeFOREST?

UH, THERE'S NO ONE BY THAT NAME HERE.

UH, WAIT--WAIT-- WAIT A SECOND.

3--3A.

THAT'S, UH, NO. THAT'S THE--

IT'S THE RIGHT APARTMENT.

I WAS HERE ONCE ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO.

WELL, THERE'S STILL NO TONY DeFOREST HERE.

COULD YOU OPEN THE DOOR A SECOND?

UH, NOT AT 5 AFTER 12:00 I CAN'T.

LOOK, YOU GOT A LATCH. KEEP IT LOCKED.

I JUST WANT--I JUST WANNA TALK TO YOU.

MAKE IT FAST. MY HUSBAND IS SLEEPING.

THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME MISTAKE.

I JUST SUBLET THIS APARTMENT

FROM THIS FRIEND OF MINE,

TONY DeFOREST. HE LIVES HERE.

WELL, THAT'LL BE NEWS TO MY HUSBAND CHARLIE.

LOOK, I GOT A RECEIPT IN MY POCKET

FOR 3 MONTHS' RENT. I--I SENT HIM A CHECK.

I'M SUPPOSED TO MOVE IN TOMORROW.

BUT I CAME IN EARLY. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

I START WORK IN THE MORNING.

YOU LOOK A LITTLE CONFUSED.

COULD I SPEAK TO YOUR HUSBAND?

HE'LL BE AT THE 37th PRECINCT AT 9:00 IN THE MORNING.

CHARLIE D'AGOSTINO. HOMICIDE. GOODNIGHT.

I'LL JUST CALL DETECTIVE CHARLIE ARGENTINO.

WHO WAS IT?

NEVER MIND.

DIDN'T SOUND LIKE "NEVER MIND" TO ME.

TONY RENTED THE APARTMENT TO SOMEONE.

BUT I'M NOT GIVING IT UP. IT'S OURS.

GO TO SLEEP.

HE RENTED IT? YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO LEAVE?

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

WHAT IF THEY FORCE US?

LET 'EM TRY.

HE RENTED THE APARTMENT.

THAT'S A DOUBLE CRAP-HEAD.

IT'S NOT FOR ME.

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE SLEEPING.

HELLO?

MRS. D'AGOSTINO?

WHO'S CALLING?

YOU KNOW WHO IS CALLING.

I WAS JUST UP THERE, MRS. D'AGOSTINO.

MISSIS WHO?

D'AGOSTINO.

AND HOW COME YOUR PHONE ANSWERS TO TONY DeFOREST'S NUMBER?

AND HOW COME THE KEY HE SENT ME FedEx

OPENS YOUR DOOR, HUH?

HUH? YOU WANNA ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS?

NO, WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER THEM?

ALL RIGHT, I WILL. THE ANSWER IS BECAUSE

SOMETHIN' FISHY IS GOIN' ON UP THERE.

NOW I'M WET AS A HERRING, MISSIS WHATEVER-YOUR-NAME-IS,

AND I DON'T HAVE A PLACE TO SLEEP TONIGHT,

AND NOW, ACCORDING TO MY NON-WATERPROOF WATCH,

IT'S 20 AFTER 12:00,

AND THAT APARTMENT BELONGS TO ME.

NOW, DO I COME UP THERE RIGHT NOW

AND DISCUSS THIS AMICABLY

OR STORM THE PLACE IN THE MORNING?

I HAVE A GUN. I'LL USE IT IF I HAVE TO.

YOU HAVE A GUN?

IF YOU BELIEVED IT, MAYBE HE WILL.

CHANGE! CHANGE!

I NEED CH--I GOT A PREGNANT WIFE IN THE LOBBY!

I NEED CHANGE!

WE'RE IN TROUBLE, RIGHT?

WE ARE NOT IN TROUBLE. WE HAVE OUR RIGHTS.

POSSESSION IS NINE TENTHS OF THE LAW.

WHAT'S THE OTHER TENTH?

SHUT UP.

BETCHA THAT'S THE LAST TENTH.

BACK TO BED. I'LL HANDLE THIS.

RIGHT, MRS. D'AGOSTINO.

HELLO?

I JUST CALLED THE 37th PRECINCT.

THERE IS NO CHARLES D'AGOSTINO IN HOMICIDE.

THEN I CALLED RITA SCOTT, AN OLD ACTRESS FRIEND OF MINE.

RITA WAS IN THE MERCHANT OF VENICE

IN THE PARK THIS SUMMER

WITH THE EVER POPULAR TONY DeFOREST.

RITA ALSO TOLD ME

ABOUT THIS GIRL TONY'S BEEN LIVING WITH,

A CERTAIN PAULA McFADDEN, A FORMER DANCER,

AND HER 10-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, LUCY.

RITA FURTHER TOLD ME THE APARTMENT IN QUESTION

IS LEASED IN THE NAME OF TONY DeFOREST.

SHE KNOWS THIS FOR A FACT.

BECAUSE RITA USED TO LIVE WITH TONY DeSMOOTHIE

PRIOR TO PAULA AND LUCY.

NOW THEN, CAN WE CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION

IN A DRIER ROOM, MS. McFADDEN?

YOU GOT A PROBLEM?

TAKE IT UP WITH THE HOUSING AUTHORITY.

DON'T HANG UP. PLEASE DON'T HANG UP.

I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE CHANGE.

PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE.

I'M SOAKED. I'M SOAKED TO THE BONE, MS. McFADDEN.

I--I--I--I--I--

I HAVE A VERY LOW THRESHOLD FOR PNEUMONIA.

NOW, LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TONY TOLD YOU.

BUT HE'S GOT MY MONEY,

I'VE GOT A LEASE, AND YOU'VE GOT MY APARTMENT.

NOW ONE OF US GOT SCREWED. LET ME REPHRASE THAT.

WE HAVE TO TALK THIS OUT.

AND I AM IN NO CONDITION FINANCIALLY OR HEALTH-WISE

TO LOOK FOR SHELTER IN THE POURING RAIN.

IF THERE IS SUCH A THING AS THE BLEECKER STREET FLU,

I THINK I'VE GOT IT.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SHOT IN A CONVENIENT PLACE?

5 MINUTES! THAT'S ALL I ASK!

LOOK, IN 30 SECONDS, THEY'RE GONNA CUT US OFF.

MY NUMBER IS-- IS 212-555-0137.

IT'S A FLOODED PHONE BOOTH ON BLEECKER STREET.

IF YOU HAVE ANY COMPASSION IN YOUR HEART...

OPERATOR HERE.

60 CENTS FOR THE NEXT 3 MINUTES, PLEASE.

I'M TRYING TO WORK IT OUT, OPERATOR!

IF YOU HAVE ANY COMPASSION IN YOUR HEART, YOU'LL CALL ME BACK.

THE NUMBER IS 212-555-0137.

212-555-013--

7.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

5 MINUTES. NO. LEAVE THE BAGS.

THIS ISN'T A PERMANENT CONVERSATION.

OH, I'M DRIPPING ALL OVER YOUR FLOOR.

IT'S BEEN DRIPPED ON BEFORE.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS. I DIDN'T KNOW

THERE WERE GONNA BE ANY COMPLICATIONS.

YEAH, WELL, THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF THAT GOING ON LATELY.

LOOK, I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR BEING HOSTILE.

I GET THE PICTURE.

TONY RENTS ME THE APARTMENT,

SPLITS WITH THE MONEY. YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER

GET DUMPED ON, RIGHT? WRONG.

TONY AND I AMICABLY ENDED OUR RELATIONSHIP.

WE AGREED THAT I WOULD KEEP THE APARTMENT,

AND YOU AND YOUR 3-MONTH CHECK GET DUMPED ON.

GET THE PICTURE?

VERY GOOD, VERY SHARP.

SHARP NEW YORK GIRL, RIGHT?

NO. DULL KID FROM CINCINNATI.

BUT YOU GET DUMPED ON ENOUGH, YOU START DEVELOPING AN EDGE.

OK, SO WHAT'S THE DEAL?

I GOT A LEASE IN MY POCKET.

YOU GONNA HONOR IT OR NOT?

I'VE GOT A DAUGHTER IN MY BEDROOM.

THAT TOPS A LEASE IN YOUR POCKET.

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO GET LEGAL,

BUT LEGAL IS ON MY SIDE.

I HAPPEN TO HAVE A LAWYER ACQUAINTANCE DOWNTOWN.

NOW ALL I HAVE TO DO IS CALL

THIS LAWYER ACQUAINTANCE OF MINE AND--

OH, MY GOD.

AN ACTOR.

WHAT?

ANOTHER LOUSY ACTOR!

HA HA!

OH, MY GOD.

"I HAVE A LAWYER ACQUAINTANCE." HA HA!

THAT'S RIGHT OUT OF STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE.

OH! STANLEY KOWALSKI IN SUMMER STOCK, RIGHT?

WRONG.

I PLAYED IT IN CHICAGO IN THE DEAD OF WINTER.

3 1/2 MONTHS AT THE DRURY LANE.

ASK AN ACTOR A QUESTION, HE GIVES YOU HIS CREDITS!

YOU WANT THE REVIEWS, TOO?

"ELLIOT GARFIELD

BRINGS NEW DIMENSIONS TO KOWALSKI

THAT EVEN BRANDO HADN'T INVESTIGATED," OK?

OH, TERRIFIC. TERRIFIC.

CARRY THEM AROUND WITH YOU, DO YOU? HUH?

DID YOU RIP YOUR OWN T-SHIRT, TOO?

YOU DON'T LOOK THE HE-MAN TYPE.

UNDER THESE SHABBY CLOTHES,

I'M VERY BUFFED.

WHAT ARE YOU, A CRITIC?

NO. NO, I LOVE ACTORS,

AS LONG AS THEY STAY UP ON THE STAGE WHERE THEY BELONG.

THE MINUTE THEY COME DOWN IN REAL LIFE,

THE WHOLE WORLD GETS SCREWED UP.

WELL, I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

I WILL NOT BE KICKED OUT OF THE SAME APARTMENT

BY ANOTHER ACTOR!

YOU WANT YOUR MONEY BACK, YOU GO TO NAPLES.

YOU WANT THIS APARTMENT,

BUY ME 2 TICKETS TO CALIFORNIA.

YOU HAVE 2 MINUTES TO THINK IT OVER BEFORE I YELL RAPE.

YOU ARE SOMETHING. IT'S A WONDER

TONY DIDN'T TAKE A JOB IN THE PHILIPPINES.

YOUR 5 MINUTES ARE UP.

YOU KNOW WHERE THE DOOR IS. REMEMBER?

WAIT A MINUTE. CALM DOWN, WILL YOU?

WHAT IF WE MADE A DEAL?

WHAT KIND OF A DEAL?

I DON'T KNOW. LET ME THINK OF ONE.

I JUST GOT HERE.

CAN I HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE?

NO. DON'T BE BASHFUL.

JUST SAY WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE SITUATION.

I KNOW THE SITUATION!

JUST LET ME SAY IT, BECAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.

THE SITUATION IS YOU HAVE NO MONEY,

BUT YOU HAVE MY APARTMENT.

I HAVE A JOB OFF-BROADWAY-- WELL, OFF-OFF-BROADWAY--

BUT NO PLACE TO SLEEP TONIGHT.

ALSO, YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER TO THINK OF.

I'M THINKING OF HER RIGHT NOW.

DO ME THE FAVOR OF HEARING ME OUT.

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN YELL RAPE, YOU KNOW.

I THINK THE ONLY PRACTICAL SOLUTION

IS TO SHARE THE APARTMENT.

I ACCEPT.

WHAT?

I ACCEPT.

I MIGHT BE STUBBORN, BUT I'M NOT STUPID.

YOU MEAN IT?

I HAVE A DAUGHTER WHO GOES TO SCHOOL,

AND I HAVE TO LOOK FOR A JOB.

YOU HAVE A KEY.

I WOULD HAVE TO STAND GUARD ALL DAY

TO KEEP YOU OUT.

SO YOU WIN. GET YOUR BAGS.

YOU GET THE SMALL ROOM.

WHAT THE HELL AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO?

WHERE ARE YOU?

OH! I'M--I'M SORRY.

I GOT THE WRONG ROOM.

HELLO.

YOU MUST BE LUCY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

I'M ELLIOT GARFIELD.

I'M MOVING IN THE OTHER ROOM.

OH?

I'M A FRIEND OF TONY. TONY DeFOREST.

THAT'S NICE. OH, SURE.

I'M AN ACTOR, TOO.

DOES MY MOTHER KNOW?

OH, YEAH.

SO I GUESS I'LL BE SEEING YOU AROUND.

GUESS SO.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

JEEZ.

I JUST MET LUCY.

WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?

THAT I'M MOVING IN.

SHE SEEMED TO TAKE IT IN STRIDE.

YEAH, WELL, YOU GROW UP FAST IN THIS APARTMENT.

I'LL GET THE REST OF HER THINGS IN THE MORNING.

CAN YOU MAKE A BED?

I THINK SO.

GOOD LUCK.

HEY, LISTEN.

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP

GRINDING YOUR TEETH FOR 2 MINUTES?

THE NOISE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

A DRIPPING STRANGER FROM CHICAGO

WITH A WET HEAD AND DIRTY SNEAKERS

MOVES INTO MY DAUGHTER'S ROOM,

AND YOU EXPECT SMILES?

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE DYNAMITE.

I LOVE LISTENING TO YOU TALK.

I HATE LIVING WITH YOU,

BUT THE CONVERSATION'S FIRST-CLASS.

THIS IS YOUR ROOM.

I DON'T CLEAN OR MAKE BEDS.

YOU CAN USE THE BATHROOM AND THE KITCHEN

WHEN I'M NOT IN IT

AND WASH IT UP WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH.

YOU PAY YOUR OWN FOOD,

LAUNDRY, LINENS, AND PHONE CALLS.

I WOULD APPRECIATE SOME QUIET

BETWEEN 6:00 AND 9:00 EVERY NIGHT,

BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN LUCY DOES HER HOMEWORK,

AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DRINK OR SMOKE,

AS LONG AS IT'S NOT DRUGS

IN FRONT OF MY 10-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.

NOW, DO WE HAVE EVERYTHING STRAIGHT?

NO.

NO?

I'M NOT CRAZY ABOUT THIS ARRANGEMENT.

YOU'RE NOT? DEFINITELY.

I PAY THE RENT. I'LL MAKE THE RULES.

I TAKE SHOWERS

EVERY MORNING.

SO DON'T HAVE YOUR LITTLE PANTIES

DRYING ON THE RODS.

I LIKE TO COOK.

SO I'LL USE THE KITCHEN WHENEVER I DAMN PLEASE.

I'M VERY CAREFUL WITH MY CONDIMENTS,

SO KEEP YOUR SALT AND PEPPER TO YOURSELF.

I PLAY THE GUITAR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,

AND I MEDITATE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING,

COMPLETE WITH CHANTING AND BURNING INCENSE.

SO IF YOU'VE GOT TO MOVE AROUND,

LET'S HAVE A LITTLE TIPTOEING.

ALSO, I SLEEP IN THE NUDE, BUFFO,

WITH THE WINDOWS OPEN.

WINTER, SUMMER, RAIN, OR SNOW.

ALSO, I MAY HAVE TO GO TO THE POTTY

OR TO THE FRIDGE LATE AT NIGHT,

AND I DON'T FEEL LIKE WEARING JAMMIES,

WHICH I DON'T OWN IN THE FIRST PLACE.

SO UNLESS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A QUICK THRILL

OR YOUR DAUGHTER AN ADVANCED EDUCATION,

I'D KEEP MY DOOR CLOSED.

THOSE ARE MY RULES AND REGULATIONS.

HOW'S THAT GRAB YOU?

AND WHAT IF I SAY NO?

I HAVE THIS LAWYER ACQUAINTANCE.

I ACCEPT.

OH, WE'RE MOVING RIGHT ALONG.

I DON'T LIKE THIS,

AND I DON'T THINK I LIKE YOU.

BECAUSE I'M AN ACTOR?

COUPLED WITH YOUR PERSONALITY.

OH. IT'S PROBABLY WHY WE WERE THROWN TOGETHER.

ONE OF GOD'S LITTLE JESTS.

WELL, IF YOU'LL MOVE YOUR SHAPELY LITTLE FANNY

OUT OF MY ROOM,

I'LL UNPACK AND DRY MY BEARD.

MS. McFADDEN?

YOU FORGOT TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.

I WAS WORKING ON GOOD-BYE.

HOW LONG IS HE GONNA STAY?

AS LONG AS HE LETS US.

GO TO THE BATHROOM.

I DON'T HAVE TO GO NOW.

WELL, SAVE IT TILL MORNING. IT'S NOT SAFE OUT THERE.

GOOD NIGHT.

NO KISS?

I'M ANGRY. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE IT.

WHAT THE HELL?

LISTEN TO THAT. DID THAT GUITAR WAKE YOU?

NO, YOU DID.

OH, SORRY.

IS HE GONNA PLAY THAT ALL NIGHT?

PUT THE PILLOW OVER YOUR EARS.

I'LL SMOTHER.

IT'S BETTER THAN THAT GUITAR.

WHO IS IT?

VERY FUNNY. CAN I COME IN?

THE DOOR IS OPEN.

ARE YOU DECENT? YES.

DO YOU REALIZE IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING,

AND MY DAUGHTER HAS TO--

GOD, YOU'RE NAKED.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE DECENT.

I AM DECENT.

I ALSO HAPPEN TO BE NAKED.

REMEMBER? I SAID "BUFFO."

I HAVE A GROWING DAUGHTER INSIDE

WHO'S NOT GONNA GROW ON 2 HOURS OF SLEEP A NIGHT.

DO YOU HAVE TO PLAY THAT THING AT THIS HOUR?

YES. IT HELPS ME TO FALL ASLEEP.

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED PILLS?

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY PILLS.

IT'S NOT HARD.

YOU POP THEM IN YOUR MOUTH AND SWALLOW.

I'M A PERSON OF HEALTH.

I DO NOT PUT UNNATURAL THINGS IN MY BODY.

MUSIC IS ONE OF NATURE'S SEDATIVES.

IF YOU JUST LISTEN TO IT INSTEAD OF FIGHTING IT,

WE'LL ALL BE ASLEEP IN 5 MINUTES.

IF IT REALLY BOTHERS YOU,

TAKE 2 SLEEPING PILLS AND STICK ONE IN EACH EAR.

♪ BOM BOM ♪

♪ BOM BOM ♪

♪ BOM BOM ♪

HE WON'T STOP.

I HAVE A LAWYER ACQUAINTANCE, TOO, I CAN GET.

JUST TAKE DEEP BREATHS

AND COUNT TO 100.

I'M SORRY, BABY.

I AM SO SORRY YOU GOT CAUGHT

IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THIS.

LUCY? LUCY?

WHY DOES HE HAVE TO PLAY NAKED?

Elliot,

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH...

WHAT'S THAT?

IT SOUNDS LIKE GOD.

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH...

UHH.

5 TO 6:00.

BOY, DOES GOD GET UP EARLY.

I SMELL STRAWBERRIES BURNING.

IT'S INCENSE.

WHAT'S INCENSE?

IT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW.

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH--

YOU KNOW IT'S 5 TO 6:00...

IN THE MORNING.

ISN'T THERE A CHURCH WHERE YOU CAN DO THAT?

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH...

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH

WAH WAH WAH WAH

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH.

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH.

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH.

WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH

WAH WAH WAH.

WAS THAT THE LAST CHORUS?

I AM IN A BLISSFUL STATE,

SO DON'T BUG ME.

IS THIS GONNA BE

GUITARS AT NIGHT AND HUMMING IN THE MORNING?

I'VE BEEN IN MUSICALS THAT DIDN'T HAVE THIS MUCH MUSIC.

THIS MORNING, I START REHEARSALS

FOR MY FIRST NEW YORK PLAY.

IT'S PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF MY LIFE.

MY ENTIRE CAREER MAY DEPEND ON IT.

AND AM I NERVOUS, MS. McFADDEN?

NO, NO, I'M NOT NERVOUS,

BECAUSE I HAVE MEDITATED.

I AM CALM.

I AM RELAXED. I AM CONFIDENT.

YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, DID NOT MEDITATE.

THEREFORE, YOU ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS.

TODAY IS AN IMPORTANT DAY

FOR ME, TOO, MR. GARFIELD.

I'M AUDITIONING

FOR A NEW MUSICAL THIS MORNING.

WELL, A REVIVAL OF A NEW MUSICAL.

I SLEPT 17 MINUTES LAST NIGHT,

THANKS TO YOU,

AND WITH THE BAGS I HAVE UNDER MY EYES,

UNLESS THIS MUSICAL

IS ABOUT BITTER, OLD LADIES,

I DON'T HAVE A CHANCE IN HELL.

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

WHAT IS THAT SLOP YOU'RE PUTTING IN MY DISHES?

WHEAT GERM, SOYA, LECITHIN,

NATURAL HONEY. EVERYTHING ORGANIC.

MY BODY IS A TEMPLE,

AND I AM WORSHIPING IT TO THE HEALTH GOD.

IT'S WHAT GIVES ME MY VITALITY, ENERGY,

AND WONDERFUL DISPOSITION.

I HAPPEN TO BE 63 YEARS OLD, MS. McFADDEN, AND LOOK AT ME.

CAN I FIX YOU A BOWL?

THIS...IS NOT GONNA WORK OUT, YOU KNOW?

UH, I MEAN, I...

REALLY DON'T KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH

TO TRULY DISLIKE YOU,

BUT YOU'RE JUST--

TOO WEIRD TO LIVE WITH.

WHY DON'T YOU

TRY TO FIND YOURSELF ANOTHER PLACE,

AND I WILL PAY YOU BACK ALL YOUR MONEY

ONCE I GET A JOB?

BUT YOU'RE FORGETTING THIS IS MY APARTMENT.

YOU'RE LIVING HERE ON AN ELLIOT GARFIELD GRANT.

YOU REALLY OUGHT TO TRY THIS.

IT HAS ALL-BRAN IN IT.

IT CURES IRREGULARITY, WHICH MIGHT BE YOUR PROBLEM.

MMM.

MMM. MMM. MMM.

HEY.

EXCUSE ME.

SORRY. SORRY.

EXCUSE ME. THANKS.

HEY. HEY.

I ALREADY SIGNED IN FOR YOU.

OK, GOOD.

YEAH, EVERY KID WITH 10 TOES IS HERE.

OH, MY GOD. THEY'RE SO YOUNG.

AREN'T THEY TOO YOUNG TO WORK IN THIS THEATER?

WHY AM I SO NERVOUS? ARE YOU NERVOUS?

NO, JUST OLD.

THERE'S A GIRL ON LINE

WHO GOES TO LUCY'S SCHOOL.

THE BOY ON THE LEFT... AND THE GIRL ON THE RIGHT.

JUSTIN ARNOLDS, EMILY FRANZ.

THE REST OF YOU, THANK YOU FOR COMING.

OK,

NEXT GROUP ONSTAGE, PLEASE.

THINK POSITIVE.

YEAH, MENTION IT TO MY LEGS.

2 LINES, PLEASE.

GIRLS AT THE FRONT.

PAULA?

IS THAT YOU?

OH! YES.

IT'S RONNIE BURNS.

OH! HI, RONNIE!

I THOUGHT YOU GAVE ALL THIS UP?

YEAH, I JUST PICKED THE WRONG ONE TO GIVE IT UP FOR.

YOU BEEN KEEPING IN SHAPE?

UH, YEAH. I NEVER STOPPED.

YOU WANNA SHOW ME?

UNLESS I CAN TAKE A WRITTEN TEST.

OK, EDDIE.

OH, GOD.

A FEW BASIC IMPOSSIBLE STEPS, KIDS,

SO, PAY ATTENTION.

READY?

5, 6, 7, AND,

1, 2, 3, AND 4,

5, 6, 7, KICK.

STEP, STEP, BA-DUH, BA-DUH.

REACH...REACH...

PREPARE AND SINGLE...

CHASSE, JETE, ...AND FINISH.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, UP TO TEMPO.

THE GIRL ON THE RIGHT AND THE BOY IN THE MIDDLE.

PAULA.

A LITTLE RUSTY, BUT NOT BAD.

MY PROBLEM IS, I NEED THEM VERY...YOUNG.

YOUNG...

OK, I'M GONNA WORK ON THAT.

NOW, THEN, WHAT ABOUT RICHARD?

NOW, THE QUESTION IS,

AND THIS MAY SEEM PERFUNCTORY,

WAS RICHARD ACTUALLY DEFORMED?

HISTORICALLY, WE KNOW HE WAS BORN

WITH A SEVERE CURVATURE OF THE SPINE,

GIVING THE IMPRESSION HE IS HUNCHBACKED,

WITH SOME PARALYSIS

OF THE LEFT HAND AND RIGHT FOOT,

SOME DAMAGE TO THE RIGHT CHEEK AND EYELIDS,

BUT...IS THIS THE WAY WE WANT TO PLAY RICHARD?

I DON'T THINK SO.

LET'S FACE IT.

RICHARD WAS GAY.

WELL, I DON'T THINK THAT'S ANY OF OUR BUSINESS.

IT IS, IN A SENSE, A GREEK TRAGEDY.

AS IF RICHARD DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLES.

AND HE-- HE WANTED LADY ANNE

NOT SO MUCH FOR HER BEAUTY,

BUT MORE BECAUSE A ROMANCE WITH HER

WOULD TAKE THE HEAT OFF HIM

IN THE ENGLISH COURT.

HOW DO I THINK WE SHOULD PLAY RICHARD?

AS AN ADONIS.

A MAN WHOSE BEAUTY

WOULD PUT LADY ANNE'S TO SHAME.

SO, LET'S GET RID OF THE HUMP.

LET'S GET RID OF THE TWISTED EXTREMITIES

AND SHOW HIM AS HE REALLY WOULD BE TODAY,

NOT DESIROUS OF BECOMING KING OF ENGLAND,

BUT RATHER OF BEING BELLE OF THE BALL.

UH...

YES, ELLIOT?

I HAVE A QUESTION.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

W-W-WHAT'S YOUR OBJECTION, ELLIOT?

WELL, UH, I HAVE TO PLAY IT.

I LIKE THE HUMP AND THE CLUB FOOT,

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON IT FOR 3 MONTHS.

AND I RESPECT THAT, ELLIOT.

THAT'S--THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE.

AN EXCHANGE OF IDEAS.

HEH.

UM, TELL ME, HOW DO YOU--

HOW DO YOU SEE RICHARD?

WELL, UH, I DON'T THINK

HE'S A MIDDLE LINEBACKER FOR THE CHICAGO BEARS,

BUT LET'S NOT TOSS AWAY ONE OF HIS PRIME MOTIVATIONS.

AND WHAT'S THAT?

WELL, HE WANTS TO GET LADY ANNE IN THE SACK.

THAT'S JUST A RUMOR.

I DON'T WANT TO PRESS THIS, UH, ELLIOT,

BUT LET'S JUST TRY IT MY WAY.

TRUST ME, ELLIOT.

I KNOW WHEN TO HOLD BACK.

WHY DON'T WE READ THROUGH THE FIRST ACT?

HOW FAR OFF THIS DIVING BOARD DO YOU WANT ME TO GO?

WELL...

DON'T GIVE ME BETTE MIDLER,

BUT LET'S NOT BE AFRAID TO BE BOLD.

BOLD?

YES.

"ACT ONE, SCENE ONE.

"ENTER RICHARD,

DUKE OF GLOUCESTER."

"NOW IS...

"NOW...

"NOW...

"NOW...

"NOW--NOW...

"NOW...

"NOW...

"NOW--NOW IS--

"NOW IS--

"NOW--NOW IS THE--

"NOW IS THE--

"NOW...

"NOW IS--

"NOW IS THE--

"NOW--NOW IS THE--

"NOW IS THE--NOW IS THE--

"NOW, IS THE--"

CAN WE TAKE A 5-MINUTE BREAK?

LET'S. LET'S.

38...

39...

40.

WHOO! THAT'S IT.

I CAN'T DO ANY MORE.

60. YOU SAID 60.

OH, MY MUSCLES ARE GONE. I CAN'T DANCE.

IT WAS A DUMB IDEA.

I'M GOING TO PUT YOU UP FOR ADOPTION.

YOU WANNA GET ME A COKE?

UH-UH. FATTENING.

GET ME A COKE, SWEETHEART.

MOTHER DOESN'T WANT TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.

ENTER, LADY ANNE.

DO YOU LIVE ALONE?

YES. FORTUNATELY,

THE OTHER COUPLE WHO LIVE HERE

ALSO LIVE HERE ALONE.

MAY I TAKE YOUR CAPE?

HI, LUCY. LUCY, THIS IS RHONDA.

RHONDA, LUCY. LUCY, RHONDA.

RHONDA, LUCY.

HI.

HELLO.

WHATCHA DOING?

SITTING ON MY MOTHER.

OH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN. TRY TO KEEP IT DOWN.

RHONDA AND I WILL BE WORKING IN MY BEDROOM.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

I'LL BET.

I HEARD VOICES. WAS THAT HIM?

UH-HUH. HE TOOK 2 APPLES.

DID YOU WRITE IT DOWN?

I DIDN'T HAVE A PENCIL.

I TOLD YOU.

WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN, REMEMBER?

IF HE TAKES A GLASS OF WATER, WRITE IT DOWN.

THIS IS NOT A HOTEL.

WHY DON'T YOU LIKE HIM?

WHO INVITED HIM?

THAT'S WHY I DON'T LIKE HIM.

IF HE WAS A LAWYER OR A DOCTOR,

INSTEAD OF AN ACTOR, WOULD YOU LIKE HIM?

MM-MMM. I WOULDN'T LIKE HIM IF I LIKED HIM.

HE GRATES ON ME.

I THINK HE'S KIND OF CUTE.

HE REMINDS ME OF A DOG THAT NOBODY WANTS.

YOU ARE NEVER TO THINK HE'S CUTE.

WHY DID HE TAKE 2 APPLES?

ONE FOR HIM AND ONE FOR HER.

WHAT HER?

HE'S GOT A GIRL IN THERE.

IN MY HOME?

HE HAS A GIRL IN THE BEDROOM?

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

SORRY.

YOU WANT ME TO WRITE DOWN GIRLS, TOO?

YOU KNOCKED?

CAN I SPEAK TO YOU IN PRIVATE?

GEE, IT'S A BAD TIME. HOW ABOUT AT BREAKFAST?

IS THAT A GIRL IN THERE?

JEEZ, I HOPE SO.

NOT IN MY HOUSE.

I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS SORT OF THING.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU HAVE A GIRL IN YOUR ROOM,

AND I DON'T OBJECT.

RHONDA, THIS IS MS. McFADDEN.

MAC LIVES JUST DOWN THE ROAD APIECE.

Ms. McFADDEN,

THIS IS RHONDA FONTANA, RISING YOUNG ACTRESS.

DON'T RISE.

HI. HELLO.

CAN WE TALK? THIS IS SERIOUS.

SURE. RHONDA, TAKE A BREAK.

OUT.

OUT? HER. OUT.

THEY HAVE MOTELS FOR THAT SORT OF ACTIVITY.

I HAVE AN IMPRESSIONABLE 10-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER

IN THERE, AND THAT IS NOT ONE

OF THE IMPRESSIONS I WANT HER TO GET.

SO, YOU GET THAT RISING YOUNG ACTRESS

THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

OUT WHERE? OUT OF MY RENTED APARTMENT THAT YOU'RE STAYING IN

OUT OF THE KINDLINESS OF MY HEART?

I WILL BRING HOME ANYONE OR ANYTHING I CHOOSE,

INCLUDING A ONE-EYED EPISCOPALIAN KANGAROO

IF THAT BE MY KINKY INCLINATION.

AS TO WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE,

WE HAPPEN TO BE REHEARSING ACT ONE, SCENE 4,

FROM RICHARD III.

I HAVE A CRETIN FROM MARS DIRECTING THIS PLAY,

AND I NEED ALL THE EXTRA WORK THAT I CAN GET.

HOWEVER, IF I CHOOSE TO ATTEMPT TO HAVE CARNAL KNOWLEDGE

OF THAT GORGEOUS BOD, THAT WILL BE MY PROBLEM,

HER OPTION, AND NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX.

WHAT WAS LITTLE LUCY'S IMPRESSION

OF WHAT WAS GOING ON IN MAMA'S BEDROOM

WITH TONY "LOVE 'EM AND LEAVE 'EM" DeFOREST?

TURN OUT THE LIGHTS, WILL YA?

WE'RE RUNNING UP A HELL OF A BILL.

ARE YOU OK?

I'M FINE. GO TO SLEEP.

ARE YOU UPSET BECAUSE THEY'RE MESSING AROUND IN THERE?

THEY ARE NOT MESSING AROUND.

THEY'RE DOING ACT ONE, SCENE 4,

FROM RICHARD III.

DID IT EVER BOTHER YOU

ABOUT TONY AND ME?

I MEAN, US...

NOT BEING MARRIED AND LIVING TOGETHER?

NO.

I WANTED TO GET MARRIED, YOU KNOW,

BUT HE COULDN'T GET A DIVORCE.

THAT'S OK.

I JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW YOU FELT.

GOOD NIGHT, ANGEL.

NIGHT.

IS THAT A SONG FROM RICHARD III?

DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET ME

BE HIT BY A RICH MAN IN A ROLLS-ROYCE.

I THINK I CAN SWING IT.

THANK YOU. NO, I'M SERIOUS.

I MEAN, IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.

WHAT DID I SAY?

THERE'S AN OUTSIDE CHANCE

I CAN GET US BOTH A JOB AT THE AUTO SHOW.

IT'S ONLY 2 WEEKS' WORK, BUT THE MONEY'S NOT BAD.

OH, ANY MONEY'S NOT BAD. WHAT WILL WE HAVE TO DO?

JUST LOOK PRETTY, POINT TO THE CARS,

SAY, "THEY'RE TERRIFIC."

I CAN DO THAT. I CAN POINT AND SAY, "TERRIFIC."

A FRIEND OF MINE

WILL LET ME KNOW THIS WEEKEND.

JUST KEEP IT QUIET.

WHAT A NICE PERSON YOU ARE.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL ME.

WELL, WE WERE BOTH GIVEN THE SHAFT

BY YOUR EX-HUSBAND. I FEEL RELATED.

YEAH.

THANKS.

COME.

NOW, TO CURTSEY WITH YOUR HOLY LOAD,

TAKEN FROM PAUL'S TO BE INTERRED THERE.

AND STILL...

AS YOU ARE WEARY OF THE WEIGHT,

REST YOU, WHILE I LAMENT KING HENRY'S CORSE.

STAY, YOU THAT BEAR THE CORSE,

AND SET IT DOWN.

WHAT BLACK MAGICIAN CONJURES UP THIS FIEND

TO STOP DEVOTED CHARITABLE DEEDS?

VILLAINS, SET DOWN THE CORSE,

OR, BY SAINT PAUL,

I'LL MAKE A CORSE OF HIM WHO DISOBEYS.

MY LORD, STAND BACK AND LET THE COFFIN PASS.

UNMANNERED DOG.

STAND THOU WHEN I COMMAND.

ADVANCE THY HALBERD HIGHER THAN MY BREAST,

OR, BY SAINT PAUL, I WILL STRIKE THEE--

MY CAREERETH IS OVER.

I AM MAKING A HORSE'S ASSETH OF MYSELF!

MARK...

I BEG YOU.

IF YOU WANT THIS KIND OF PERFORMANCE,

LET ME PLAY LADY ANNE.

YOU'RE UNHAPPY, ELLIOT?

NOT UNHAPPY, FREAKIN' PETRIFIED.

THE CRITICS WILL CRUCIFY ME,

AND THE GAY COMMUNITY, MANY OF THEM MY FRIENDS,

ARE GONNA HANG ME

FROM SHAKESPEARE'S STATUE BY MY GENITALIA.

YOU'VE GOTTA HELP ME, MARK.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, ELLIOTT?

I WANT MY HUMP BACK. I WANT MY CLUB FOOT.

I WANT A LITTLE PARALYSIS IN MY RIGHT HAND--

OR MY LEFT HAND. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A LOT.

2 STIFF FINGERS.

I--I NEED MOTIVATION.

I SEE. HMM. I SEE.

YOU WANT TO PLAY IT SAFE.

YOU WANT TO GIVE US YOUR STARCHED, CONVENTIONAL RICHARD.

AND WHY NOT?

THEY'VE BEEN DOING IT THAT WAY SOME 500 YEARS.

LISTEN, WHAT DO I KNOW?

I'M LUCKY I GOT THE PART.

IN CHICAGO, WE ACT DIFFERENTLY OUT THERE.

WE TRY TO DO THE PLAYS AS WRITTEN.

IF THAT DOESN'T GO DOWN IN NEW YORK, TERRIFIC.

I--I RESPECT YOU.

YOU'VE DONE OFF-BROADWAY.

I HAVEN'T.

I'M NOT A QUITTER.

I'LL PLAY RICHARD LIKE YOUNG SHIRLEY TEMPLE

IF YOU WANT,

BUT DON'T LET ME LOOK FOOLISH.

AND YOU FEEL FOOLISH?

I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE.

I PASSED FOOLISH ON TUESDAY.

WE HAVE TO TRUST EACH OTHER, ELLIOT.

I DO.

I WAS NEVER GOING TO LET YOU DO IT LIKE THAT.

OH, THANK GOD!

DO YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING?

I'M TRYING, MARK.

RICHARD DOESN'T HAVE TO BE GAY,

BUT LET'S USE THAT AS SUBTEXT.

WE'LL KEEP IT,

BUT NOW WE CAN BRING BACK THE HUMP AND THE CLUB FOOT.

AND THE TWISTED FINGERS?

IF YOU LIKE THEM.

OH, I LOVE THEM. I'M CRAZY ABOUT THEM.

THEN USE THEM, BABY, AND YOU'LL SEE WHAT I'M AFTER.

OH, WHATEVER.

TRY IT MY WAY, BUBELEH.

I WON'T LET YOU GO WRONG.

OH!

OH! OH!

EXCUSE ME, BUT HAVEN'T WE MET IN OUR APARTMENT?

PLEASE, I ENJOY SHOPPING.

DON'T SPOIL THIS FOR ME, TOO.

OH, RELAX. WE DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT TILL WE GET HOME.

WE NEED SOAP, DARLING.

NOT IN MY BATHROOM. LOOK, THIS IS SILLY.

IF YOU BUY WHAT YOU NEED, AND I BUY WHAT I NEED,

WE COULD HAVE MORE THAN WE BOTH NEED.

WHY DON'T WE HAVE ONE SHOPPING LIST

AND SPLIT UP THE BILL?

ON WHAT ITEMS?

FOOD, KITCHEN AND BATHROOM CLEANSERS.

EVERYTHING EXCEPT MALE AND FEMININE DOODADS.

THERE, YOU GO YOUR WAY, I'LL GO MINE.

THEN WE SPLIT EVERYTHING?

MM-HMM. I'LL PAY MY FULL 1/3 SHARE.

1/3?

I'M NOT THE ONE WITH A DAUGHTER.

OH, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

DIDN'T LADY ANNE WASH HER HANDS THE OTHER NIGHT?

QUICK. QUICK. I LOVE A QUICK GIRL.

OK, DOWN THE MIDDLE.

CHIANTI.

WE CAN'T HAVE SPAGHETTI MARINARA

WITHOUT A LITTLE VINO.

OH, YOU CAN ON MY BUDGET.

OH, PLEASE. I'LL PAY FOR THE BOOZE.

THIN OF STATURE, BUT NOT TIGHT OF POCKET. I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

CAN I HAVE A BOTTLE OF YOUR FINEST CHEAP CHIANTI, PLEASE?

THERE'S A NICE CALIFORNIA RED HERE FOR 6.99.

NOTHING FROM KANSAS?

NO.

HERE. OH! OH!

NOT THIS, NO.

OH. WHAT ABOUT, UH...

THAT? HEY!

YEAH, THIS IS MORE LIKE IT.

OK?

WHAT IS IT? WHAT'S WRONG?

MY BAG. THEY TOOK MY...BAG.

WHO DID?

THE--THE CAR. THERE WERE 3 OF THEM,

AND ONE GUY JUMPED OUT, AND HE GRABBED MY BAG.

I HAD EVERYTHING IN IT!

BASTARDS. DIRTY BASTARDS.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA GO AFTER THEM?

AFTER A SPEEDING CAR?

THANKS. THANKS A LOT.

THEY COULD BE ARMED.

I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

FIGHT IT OUT WITH A CAN OF TOMATO PASTE?

LEAVE ME ALONE. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

I STILL THINK YOU SHOULD GO TO THE POLICE AND REPORT IT.

I COULD CALL IF YOU WANT.

I WISH YOU'D BEEN THAT HELPFUL WHEN I WAS BEING ROBBED.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? I'M NOT A GERMAN SHEPHERD.

OH, MY GOD! THAT'S THEM!

THAT'S THEM, WHO?

THE ONES WHO TOOK MY BAG!

STOP THEM! SOMEBODY STOP THEM!

WHAT IS THIS, POLICE WOMAN?

GET OUT OF MY WAY!

I'M GONNA GET A BULLET

RIGHT BETWEEN MY FREAKIN' EYES.

OH!

OH, DARN IT!

ALL RIGHT. GIVE IT TO ME. GIVE ME HER BAG.

COME ON, DAMN IT! I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU GUYS.

GET OUT OF THE CAR! MOVE!

OK. WE SURRENDER.

PISS OFF, PISSHEAD.

GRAB HIM, COOKIE. LET'S TAKE HIM.

UNH! ALL RIGHT. DON'T GET EXCITED.

I WAS JUST ASKING. I WAS JUST ASKING.

FREAKIN' HUMILIATING.

I HAD ALL MY MONEY IN THERE.

EVERYTHING!

MY LAST DOLLAR IN THE WORLD!

GO AWAY WITH YOUR DAMN CHIANTI!

WHAT'S CHIANTI GOT TO DO WITH IT?

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD AT LEAST THANK ME

FOR RISKING MY LIFE FOR YOU.

DID YOU GET MY BAG BACK? NO.

SO, WHY SHOULD I THANK YOU?

MAN, WHY DO I HAVE SUCH LOUSY LUCK?

EVERY TIME AN ACTOR COMES INTO MY LIFE--

I JUST HATE ALL OF YOU!

GET AWAY FROM ME, OK?!

GET AWAY!

I REALLY DON'T THINK THEY ROBBED YOU

BECAUSE I'M AN ACTOR.

AND THEN, AFTER I GOT OUT OF NORTHWESTERN,

I GOT MY FIRST SUMMER JOB IN GRAND RAPIDS.

MICHIGAN. MM-HMM.

10 PLAYS IN 10 WEEKS.

WORKED LIKE A DOG.

I HAD HEPATITIS AND THE MUMPS

AND NEVER KNEW IT.

I THOUGHT I WAS JUST GETTING YELLOW AND FAT.

WHICH PLAYS?

UH, WELL, LET'S SEE.

THE FIRST PLAY WAS INHERIT THE WIND.

I PLAYED THE REPORTER.

GENE KELLY DID IT IN THE MOVIE.

WE RENTED IT.

CHECK. CHECK. GENE DID A NICE JOB.

MAYBE HE DIDN'T DIG AS DEEP AS I DID. WHO KNOWS?

THEN I DID CYRANO.

JOSE FERRER. SAW IT LAST WEEK ON CHANNEL 9.

I USED HALF THE NOSE, GOT TWICE THE LAUGHS.

IT'S STYLE THAT COUNTS, NOT MAKEUP.

BOY, YOU DON'T THINK MUCH OF YOURSELF, DO YOU?

POUND FOR POUND,

I GOT THE BIGGEST EGO THIS SIDE OF ST. LOUIS.

IN THIS BUSINESS,

YOU BETTER BELIEVE IN YOURSELF,

OTHERWISE, THEY'LL CHOP YOU UP

AND SERVE YOU AS AN ONION DIP.

WHAT ELSE? UH...

I WAS A DISC JOCKEY FOR A YEAR. NO GOOD.

YOU HAVE TO SEE MY FACE TO APPRECIATE THE WORK.

LITTLE MORE WINE?

De ante on the chianti.

HEY, THAT'S GOOD.

YOU'RE TERRIFIC WITH WORDS.

YOU ALWAYS PICK THE RIGHT ONES.

WORDS ARE THE CANVAS OF AN ACTOR.

HIS LIPS ARE HIS BRUSHES.

HIS TONGUE THE COLOR OF THE SPECTRUM.

WHEN HE SPEAKS, HE PAINTS PORTRAITS.

CLASSY. YOU'RE VERY CLASSY.

AH, THE KID'S GOT A GOOD EYE.

NOT LIKE TONY.

TONY WASN'T A CLASSY ACTOR.

HE WAS JUST, YOU KNOW...SEXY.

YOU DON'T FIND ME SEXY?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU'RE 10 YEARS OLD.

IN 3 YEARS, YOU'LL HAVE MY PICTURE ON YOUR WALL.

OK. IT'S AFTER 9:00. TIME TO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

5 MORE MINUTES?

TALK MORE. WE NEVER HAVE A GOOD TALKING

LIKE THIS AT DINNER.

THEN I DID A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM

ON PUBLIC TELEVISION IN CHICAGO.

I DID THE PART MICKEY ROONEY DID IN THE MOVIE.

PUCK. RIGHT ON.

THEN, I GOT A CALL FROM THIS LADY PRODUCER IN NEW YORK

WHO SAW IT AND ASKED ME

TO COME AND DO RICHARD III OFF-BROADWAY.

WELL, OFF-OFF-BROADWAY

ARE WE INVITED TO THE OPENING?

YOU REALLY WANT TO COME?

BOTH OF YOU?

TUESDAY'S A SCHOOL NIGHT.

WE WENT TO TONY'S OPENING ON A SCHOOL NIGHT.

I SAID NO.

OH, CRAP-- OOH, CRUD. SORRY.

I THINK I'M IN TROUBLE.

GOOD NIGHT.

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN MY BEDROOM?

ARE YOU TALKIN' TO ME?

YOU CAN HAVE THE BIG BEDROOM

FOR AN EXTRA $100 A MONTH,

PAYABLE RIGHT NOW IN CASH.

WE'LL MOVE INTO YOURS IN THE MORNING.

YOU MEAN A RENT INCREASE

FOR GETTING WHAT I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN IN THE FIRST PLACE?

NO, THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN LENDING ME $100?

I CAN EITHER PAY YOU BACK 7 1/2% INTEREST

OR DO YOUR LAUNDRY. TAKE YOUR PICK.

HE REALLY CLEANED YOU OUT, HUH?

EVERYONE FROM HERE TO ITALY.

OK.

I HAVE $97 AND CHANGE. I'LL SPLIT IT WITH YOU.

STARTING OPENING NIGHT, I GET $600 A WEEK.

I'LL MAKE YOU AN OFFER.

I'LL PAY ALL THE LIVING EXPENSES

UNTIL YOU GET YOURSELF A JOB,

AND I'LL DO MY OWN LAUNDRY.

I SEE, AND WHAT DO YOU GET?

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BE NICE TO ME.

YOU GO TO HELL!

WOULD YOU LISTEN VERY, VERY CAREFULLY?

'CAUSE THIS MAY BE THE LAST TIME

I AM EVER TALKING TO YOU.

NOT EVERYBODY IS AFTER YOUR MAGNIFICENT BODY, LADY.

IN THE FIRST PLACE, IT AIN'T SO MAGNIFICENT.

FAIR, MAYBE, BUT IT DOESN'T KEEP ME UP NIGHTS.

I DON'T EVEN FIND YOU THAT PRETTY.

MAYBE IF YOU SMILED ONCE IN A WHILE, BUT WHO KNOWS?

I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO DO ANYTHING AGAINST YOUR RELIGION.

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS CITY WHO GOT DUMPED ON.

I, MYSELF, AM A RECENT DUMPEE.

I AM A DEDICATED ACTOR.

I'M DEDICATED TO MY ART AND TO MY CRAFT.

I VALUE WHAT I DO,

AND BECAUSE OF A MENTALLY ARTHRITIC DIRECTOR,

I AM PLAYING

THE SECOND-GREATEST ENGLISH-SPEAKING ROLE IN HISTORY

LIKE A DOUBLE-ORDER OF FRESH CALIFORNIA FRUIT SALAD.

WHEN I SAY NICE, I MEAN...NICE--

DECENT, FAIR-- BECAUSE I DESERVE IT.

I AM A NICE, DECENT, FAIR PERSON.

I DO NOT WANT TO JUMP YOUR BONES, AND I--

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEE YOU WHEN I GET UP IN THE MORNING.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I DO LIKE ABOUT YOU.

LUCY. LUCY IS YOUR BEST PART.

LUCY IS WORTH PUTTING UP WITH YOU FOR.

HERE. HERE IS...

$52 FOR THE CARE AND FEEDING OF YOUR TERRIFIC CHILD.

YOU GET ZIP-A-DEE DOO-DAH.

YOU NEED MONEY FOR YOURSELF?

YOU BORROW IT FROM LUCY, OK?

I AM NOW GOING INSIDE

TO MEDITATE AWAY MY HOSTILITY TOWARDS YOU,

BUT PERSONALLY,

I DON'T THINK IT CAN BE DONE.

DEFORMED, UNFINISHED,

SENT BEFORE MY TIME TO THIS BREATHING WORLD,

SCARCE HALF MADE UP,

AND SO LAMELY AND UNFASHIONABLE

THAT DOGS BARK AT ME AS I HALT BY THEM.

WHY I, IN THIS WEEP--

WHAT?

AM I DISTURBING YOU?

YES. I'M SORRY.

THEN DON'T DISTURB ME.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SNAP AT ME.

YES, I DO. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WHAT IS WRONG?

WHAT'S WRONG? YOU OPEN TOMORROW NIGHT

IN FRONT OF THE NEW YORK CRITICS

WEARING A CHARTREUSE HUMP ON YOUR BACK.

YOU PLAY RICHARD III

WITH A TWISTED, PARALYTIC HAND

AND PINK POLISH ON YOUR NAILS.

I AM BUSY TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

HOW TO SAVE MY LOUSY CAREER.

THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

OH! I KNOW! I DIPPED INTO YOUR PEANUT BUTTER.

THE ALARM MUST HAVE GONE OFF.

WHAT DO I OWE YOU FOR ONE FINGER-FULL

OF SKIPPY CHUNKY SPREAD?

I CAME TO PAY YOU BACK YOUR $52.

I GOT A JOB.

ALSO, I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE ANY BICARBONATE.

LUCY'S SICK.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

OH, SHE HAD 2 DOUBLE CHOCOLATE SUNDAES FOR DINNER.

IT'S MY FAULT. I ORDERED THEM.

INCREDIBLE.

IT'S A WONDER THEY

DON'T SELL INSURANCE POLICIES TO KIDS.

HOW YOU FEELING, LUCE?

DID YOU SEE THE EXORCIST?

THAT BAD?

YOU BETTER GET OUT OF THE ROOM.

JUST RELAX. COME ON. FLAT ON YOUR BACK.

DON'T YOU TRUST ME?

I TRUSTED MY MOTHER, AND LOOK HOW I FEEL.

COME ON, FLAT ON YOUR BACK.

OK.

DEEP BREATHS. SLOW, DEEP BREATHS.

WATCH THIS.

YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THIS?

I MIGHT MANAGE IT.

HOW'S THAT FEELING?

A LITTLE BETTER.

HOW'S THE PLAY GOING?

PLEASE, ONE SICK PERSON AT A TIME.

I SURE WISH WE COULD GO TO THE OPENING.

YOU STILL OWE ME ONE WISH.

TODAY WAS THE PITS.

SURE, ANYTHING YOU SAY.

TERRIFIC.

NOW YOU HAVE TO GET ME A DRESS.

I'M SORRY ABOUT YESTERDAY.

THAT WAS VERY GENEROUS OF YOU.

I'M NOT USED TO THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.

I KNOW--DON'T SAY IT.

BLANCHE DUBOIS IN STREETCAR.

IT'S JUST...

SOMETIMES I FEEL JUST LIKE HER.

EVERY TIME YOU START TO TRUST A MAN,

THEY TAKE YOU AWAY AT THE END OF THE MOVIE.

ANYWAY, I'M SORRY FOR...

I'M JUST...

SORRY.

IF YOU'RE LISTENING, THAT'S MY ATTEMPT

TO BE NICE, DECENT, AND FAIR.

HOW AM I DOIN'?

MR. GARFIELD?

MR. GARFIELD.

MR. GARFIELD, WAKE UP.

YOU CAN'T SLEEP WITH MY DAUGHTER.

CENTER AISLE, ON THE LEFT.

THIS IS GONNA BE FUNNY. IS IT A COMEDY?

IT'S SHAKESPEARE.

BORING.

NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT

MADE GLORIOUS SUMMER BY THIS SUN OF YORK.

UH-OH.

AND ALL THE CLOUDS THAT LOWERED UPON OUR HOUSE

IN THE DEEP BOSOM OF THE OCEAN BURIED.

NOW ARE OUR BROWS BOUND BY VICTORIOUS WREATHS.

OUR BRUISED ARMS HUNG UP FOR MONUMENTS.

OUR STERN ALARUMS CHANGED TO...

MERRY MEETINGS.

HE SOUNDS LIKE THE GUY

WHO WORKS IN THE BEAUTY PARLOR.

I KNOW. I KNOW.

BE PATIENT.

THEY ARE FRIENDS. RATCLIFF AND LOVELL.

HERE IS THE HEAD

OF THAT IGNOBLE TRAITOR,

THE DANGEROUS

AND UNSUSPECTED HASTINGS.

IS IT OVER?

IT IS FOR ME.

...SO SMOOTH,

HE DAUBED HIS VICE WITH SHOW OF VIRTUE.

THE TRUMPET SOUNDS. BE COPIOUS WITH EXCLAIMS!

WHO INTERCEPTS ME IN MY EXPEDITION?

OH, SHE THAT MIGHT HAVE INTERCEPTED THEE

BY STRANGLING--

AAH!

RESCUE, MY LORD OF NORFOLK!

RESCUE! RESCUE!

HIS HORSE IS SLAIN, AND ALL ON FOOT HE FIGHTS.

SEEKING FOR RICHMOND IN THE THROAT OF DEATH.

RESCUE, FAIR LORD!

OR ELSE THE DAY IS LOST!

A HORSE! A HORSE!

MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE!

THAT'S WHAT I'D GIVE FOR A TAXI.

WEIRD CITY.

SHH! SOMEONE WILL HEAR YOU.

SOMEONE ALREADY SAID IT.

COULD WE GO BACKSTAGE

AND SAY HELLO?

I THINK HE'D RATHER BE ALONE.

HE'LL KNOW WE THOUGHT IT WAS LOUSY IF WE DON'T GO BACK.

ALL RIGHT. BUT TRY TO BE TACTFUL.

WHAT'S TACTFUL?

LIE.

BRAVA! BRAVO! BRAVO!

WONDERFUL JOB, MARK.

DID YOU LOVE IT?

DID YOU REALLY, REALLY LOVE IT?

IT WAS VERY INTERESTING.

OH, GOD.

SHE LOVED IT, EVERYONE! MY MOTHER LOVED IT!

♪ HELLO ♪

HELLO?

MR. GARFIELD, IT'S LUCY AND ME.

WE JUST, UM, WANTED TO COME BACK

AND TELL YOU HOW MUCH WE ENJOYED IT.

I HAD THE BEST TIME.

I THOUGHT THE BEST PART WAS THE END.

WHAT?

WE'RE NOT GONNA KEEP YOU.

JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR THE TICKETS

AND A LOVELY EVENING.

PEOPLE WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU

ON THE WAY OUT.

THEY WANTED TO REMEMBER YOUR NAME

SO THEY'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

OK, LET'S GO.

GOOD NIGHT.

WHAT WAS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S BROKEN. THAT VASE.

THAT MUST BE 12.95 PLUS TAX.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH, NOT ACCORDING TO THE TIMES.

HAVE YOU READ THE TIMES?

DO YOU WANT SOME COFFEE?

THE TIMES SAID,

"ELLIOT GARFIELD RESEARCHED RICHARD III

"AND DISCOVERED HE WAS ENGLAND'S

FIRST BADLY DRESSED INTERIOR DECORATOR."

OH, GOD!

GOD, THAT IS TASTY, RIGHT?!

OH!

I'LL MOP THAT UP.

YOU KNOW,

I NEVER PAY ATTENTION TO THE CRITICS.

GOOD! THEN YOU GO ON TOMORROW NIGHT.

AH! THE NAILY...DEWS--

THE DAILY NEWS SAID,

AND I QUOTE, "IT NEVER OCCURRED TO US

"THAT WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WROTE THE WIZARD OF OZ.

"HOWEVER, ELLIOT GARFIELD

MADE A SPLENDID WICKED WITCH OF THE NORTH!"

TACKY. THAT IS A TACKY REVIEW.

IF YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME, DO IT WITH PANACHE.

I'M SORRY.

OH, WHAT THE HELL?

IT'S JUST A SILLY, LITTLE NEW YORK DEBUT.

AMES, IOWA, IS WHERE IT REALLY COUNTS.

YOU DON'T MAKE IT IN AMES, IOWA,

YOU HAVE CAREER TROUBLE.

CHANNEL 5 WAS HONEST, DIRECT AND LOOSE.

THEY SAID RICHARD III STUNK

AND ELLIOT GARFIELD WAS THE STINKEE!

AM I IN BED?

IF I'M IN BED, I'M NOT VERY COMFORTABLE.

I THOUGHT YOU

DIDN'T PUT UNHEALTHY THINGS IN YOUR BODY.

I DIDN'T, I PUT IT INTO RICHARD'S.

I'M TRYING TO KILL THE SON OF A BITCH.

OH, PLEASE, PLEASE GO TO SLEEP.

THIS FURNITURE ISN'T MINE.

DO YOU THINK I'M DISCOURAGED, DEFEATED?

DO YOU THINK I'M GONNA GET UPSET

ABOUT 14 UNIMPORTANT REVIEWS?

YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS I AM, BABE.

SHH. WHOOPS, SORRY.

I FORGOT THIS APARTMENT IS PG!

I KEEP FORGETTING!

YOU WERE WONDERFUL TONIGHT. REALLY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I WAS WONDERFUL?

I WAS AN ELIZABETHAN FRUIT FLY,

THE BETTY BOOP OF STRATFORD-ON-AVON.

I WAS PUTRID.

CAPITAL "P," CAPITAL "U,"

CAPITAL..."TRID!"

PUTRID!

WELL, WASN'T IT?! HUH?!

NO, IT WAS AN INTERESTING INTERPRETATION.

IT WAS CRAP.

YOU DIDN'T SEE THEIR FACES

WHEN I WALKED OUT ON THE STAGE.

94 PEOPLE, ALL GIVEN A SHOT OF NOVOCAINE.

I WANT THE TRUTH.

YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH, OR I'LL

SMASH THIS PRICELESS $9 LAMP TO PIECES.

WAS I PUTRID OR NOT? SAY IT!

YES. YES, YOU WERE PUTRID.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE THAT BLUNT ABOUT IT.

I'M SORRY. PUT IT DOWN, PLEASE.

I MEAN, I THOUGHT

I HAD A GOOD MOMENT HERE AND THERE.

YOU KNOW, WALKING ON, WALKING OFF.

IN BETWEEN WAS CACA.

IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN GET YOU,

SOME OF YOUR HEALTH FOODS OR SOMETHING?

DON'T WALK OUT ON ME. ONCE A NIGHT IS ENOUGH.

OH, I'M HERE.

I'M LISTENING.

I REALLY CAN PLAY THAT PART, YOU KNOW.

I CAN PLAY THE HUMP OFF THAT GUY.

I WAS BETTER ON THE BUS

COMING UP FROM CHICAGO

THAN I WAS ON THAT STAGE TONIGHT.

NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT

MADE GLORIOUS SUMMER BY THIS SUN OF YORK.

AND ALL THE CLOUDS

THAT LOWERED UPON OUR HOUSE

IN THE DEEP BOSOM OF THE OCEAN BURIED.

ETCETERA. ETCETERA. ETCETERA.

OH, THAT IS GOOD.

IT'S WONDERFUL. HONESTLY.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE REALLY NOT SUCH A BAD PERSON,

YOU KNOW.

THAT PUTRID REMARK REALLY HURT.

THAT REALLY GOT TO ME, YOU KNOW?

I'M SORRY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME.

GOOD NIGHT.

DON'T TELL LUCY WHAT IT SAID IN THE TIMES.

I WON'T.

OR THE NEWS.

NO.

OR CHANNEL 2, 4, 5, 7, AND 11.

OH, AND THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL,

THE COOKING CHANNEL, THE CHINESE CHANNEL,

AND ESPN 1 AND 2.

I WON'T.

THANK YOU.

NO AUTOGRAPHS, PLEASE.

WHAT'S WRONG?

NOTHING.

SO, WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

I DIDN'T CRY TODAY. DO YOU MIND?

WELL--

I DIDN'T THINK HE WAS THAT BAD.

"ONE MUST ALWAYS RESPECT THE BRAVE

"AND COURAGEOUS ATTEMPTS TO EXPLORE SHAKESPEARE

"THROUGH NEW AND DARING CONCEPTS,

AND EVEN, IF YOU WILL, IRREVERENCE."

WHAT'S IRREVERENCE?

YOU'LL FIND OUT.

"BUT ELLIOT GARFIELD

AND MARK BODINE'S RICHARD III GIVES US

"LESS THAN A SUMMER STOCK CHARLEY'S AUNT

WITHOUT THE GOOD-NATURED AND INOFFENSIVE HUMOR."

DOES THAT MEAN HE DOESN'T LIKE IT?

THE MAN HAS 2 MONTHS TO LIVE.

HE'S A CYNIC.

WHICH ONE OF YOU

SCOTCH-TAPED MY TONGUE

TO THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH? UGH.

WANT SOME COFFEE?

WITH A DASH OF BICARBONATE, PLEASE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

FOR WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY.

WHY DO YOU LET YOUR CHILD READ PORNOGRAPHY?

WANT A BOWL OF PUFFED RICE?

STARVE A COLD, FEED A FAILURE, HUH?

HELLO?

WHO?

OH, JUST A MINUTE, PLEASE.

IT'S FOR YOU.

OH, I GOT THE COVER OF NEWSWEEK?

YES?

HELLO, HARV.

YES.

YEAH, I READ THEM.

MM-HMM. MM-HMM.

UH-HUH.

YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.

GOOD.

GOOD. OK.

THERE YOU GO!

THE MINUTE YOU THINK YOUR WORLD'S COLLAPSING,

SOMETHING WONDERFUL HAPPENS.

WHAT?

THEY CLOSED THE SHOW.

I DON'T HAVE TO DO IT ANYMORE.

THE "AMERICAN THEATRE" IS SAVED.

OH, I'M SORRY.

OH, LISTEN. EVERYTHING WORKS OUT.

NOW I'M FREE TO TAKE THAT OTHER JOB.

WHAT OTHER JOB?

I'M LOOKING! I'M LOOKING!

LUCY, WE'RE LATE. GET YOUR SWEATER.

LISTEN, DID YOU KNOW

THAT JACK NICHOLSON GOT TERRIBLE REVIEWS

THE FIRST TIME HE WAS EVER ON BROADWAY?

HE WAS NEVER ON BROADWAY.

OH. I THOUGHT HE WAS.

YOU REALIZE, OF COURSE,

YOUR DAUGHTER HAS A CRUSH ON ME.

NOT TO TAKE AWAY FROM YOUR PERSONAL CHARM,

SHE HAD ONE ON TONY, TOO.

THEY'RE FICKLE AT 10.

AND AT 6 SHE ALSO HAD A BIG THING

FOR HER FATHER.

WAIT FOR ME DOWNSTAIRS.

WHY?

BECAUSE I'M THE MOTHER, THAT'S WHY.

WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS?

MY IMMEDIATE PLANS?

WELL, I THOUGHT AFTER BREAKFAST,

I MIGHT TRY AN ABORTED SUICIDE ATTEMPT

AND THEN THINK ABOUT WELFARE.

IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'RE NOT GOING BACK TO CHICAGO.

CHICAGO? NO. SIBERIA, POSSIBLY.

I MEAN, YOUR ROOM IS PAID FOR.

IT BELONGS TO YOU.

THANK YOU.

IF I DECIDE TO LEAVE, I'LL GIVE YOU AN ADDRESS.

YOU CAN SHIP IT TO ME.

IF YOU STAY,

I COULD USE SOMEONE TO HELP ME OUT WITH LUCY.

I START WORK TODAY,

AND I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET BACK TO MAKE HER DINNER.

SO, WHAT I'M SAYING IS--

I ACCEPT.

GOOD.

SHE HAS DINNER AT 6:00.

THERE'S PORK CHOPS IN THE FREEZER.

OK. HAVE A NICE DAY.

CUTE. DEFINITELY CUTE.

...WHILE THE NEW TOYOTA GAS AND ELECTRIC ENGINE

GETS 60 MILES TO THE GALLON.

THINK ABOUT THAT THE NEXT TIME

YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

THIS EXTRAORDINARY DESIGN

ELIMINATES CONSTANT REFUELING

AND REQUIRES NO NEED TO PLUG--

DON'T ASK HER A QUESTION. SHE'LL GET NERVOUS.

I DIDN'T GET NERVOUS

WHEN SHE CAME TO MY OPENING.

IT REQUIRES NO NEED TO PLUG IT IN

TO YOUR LIVING ROOM OUTLET.

YOUR, UH, GARAGE OUTLET.

AHEM.

THE TOYOTA GIVES ASTOUNDING PERFORMANCE,

PLUS BETTER MILEAGE, WITHOUT ANY KNOCKING OR...

NOISES OR THAT ANNOYING BANGING SOUND

THAT'S JUST SO TERRIBLE.

TIRES, ONE ON EACH WHEEL, GIVES BETTER MILEAGE

BECAUSE OF...LACK... OF GAS FUMES.

IN CONCLUSION...

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY...

THAT THE TOYOTA DUAL FUEL MODEL

IS A JOY FOR ANYONE WHO IS LOOKING FOR, UH,

A GAS-DRIVEN CAR, OR BOTH AT THE SAME TIME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANKS A LOT.

THEY WOULD HAVE FIRED ME, BUT THEY

DIDN'T KNOW THE ENGLISH WORD FOR IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU CAME TO SEE ME ACT. CAN'T I SEE YOU?

IT WAS VERY NICE.

STUDY. LEARN YOUR LINES.

MAYBE NEXT YEAR YOU'LL BE READY FOR BIGGER PARTS,

LIKE TRUCKS. MAYBE TANKS.

DID YOU HAVE DINNER YET?

NO.

NO? SHE MUST BE STARVING.

WHAT AM I PAYING YOU FOR?

PAYING ME?

ONE PETRIFIED PORK CHOP AND A BROWN STALK OF CELERY

IS NOT A PAYMENT.

I CAME TO LEAVE LUCY WITH YOU.

I'M WORKING TONIGHT.

HE GOT A JOB.

DIDN'T I JUST SAY THAT?

ACTING?

I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

IT'S IN THE ENTERTAINMENT FIELD.

THAT'S AS MUCH AS I'LL TELL YOU.

I'LL BE HOME ABOUT 2:00, YOU KNOW?

SO DON'T WAIT UP. YOU LOOK TERRIFIC!

I NEVER KNEW YOU HAD A FIGURE.

THAT GIRL REALLY IMPRESSED ME WITH YOUR CAR.

OH, HE WEARS ME OUT.

I'M TELLING YOU, THAT MAN WEARS ME OUT.

I'M IN THE TAXI BUSINESS.

I'M IN THE MARKET FOR 100 NEW CARS FOR NEXT YEAR.

IF YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT,

I'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK.

YOU REALLY OUGHTA HANG ONTO THAT GIRL.

PRIVATE DANCING! FIT FOR A KING!

GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS! EXOTIC ENTERTAINMENT!

NEW SHOW EVERY 5 MINUTES.

GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS!

SEE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN

THIS SIDE OF LINDEN, NEW JERSEY.

HEY, WHAT KIND OF SHOW

THEY GOT IN THERE?

DIRTY. VERY DIRTY. FILTHY.

NEXT SHOW EVERY 5 MINUTES.

WHAT DO THEY DO?

THEY WON'T LET ME SEE IT. TOO DIRTY FOR THE HELP.

HOW OLD DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO GET IN?

OVER 12. YOU GUYS OVER 12?

UH, YEAH. YEAH. SURE.

COME ON INSIDE QUICK!

WHAT'S WRONG?

WE GOT A DRUNK ON STAGE.

GET THAT CREEP OUT OF HERE.

ME? I'M THE DOORMAN.

WHEN HE COMES OUT, I'LL OPEN THE DOOR.

YOU WANNA GET PAID OR NOT?

PAID. I WANNA GET PAID.

HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY! I'M YOUR BUDDY.

OK. WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN

SO WE CAN ENJOY THE SHOW, HUH?

I JUST WANT A KISS.

I HARDLY KNOW YOU.

BESIDES,

I DON'T KISS ON THE FIRST DATE.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THEY LIKE US.

COME HERE, YOU UGLY TWERP.

OOH! UH-OH!

I WANNA SMASH YOUR FACE IN!

SMASH HIM! SMASH HIM!

TOUGH CROWD. CAN I TALK TO YOU A SECOND?

MY NAME IS ELLIOT. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

EARL.

OH. EARL WHAT?

EARL THIS.

WHOO-HOO!

YOU KNOW WHAT CYNTHIA FEIN SAID?

WHO'S CYNTHIA FEIN?

THE GIRL IN MY CLASS WITH THE WALL-TO-WALL BRACES.

ELLIOT PICKED ME UP FROM SCHOOL TODAY,

AND CYNTHIA FEIN SAYS HE'S GOT CHARISMA.

DO YOU THINK HE HAS CHARISMA?

ALL RIGHT, CUT IT OUT.

CUT WHAT OUT?

STOP TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING BETWEEN US.

ME?! CYNTHIA FEIN SAID IT.

CYNTHIA FEIN, MY BEHIND.

STOP PUSHING ME.

WHO'S PUSHING? YOU ARE.

I'VE GOT YOUR FINGERPRINTS ALL OVER MY BACK.

HE'S OK, ALL RIGHT?

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,

HE EVEN ACTS LIKE A REAL HUMAN BEING.

BUT STOP PUSHING ME

BECAUSE THE MAN IS NOT MY TYPE.

YOUR TYPE NEVER HANGS AROUND LONG ENOUGH

TO STAY YOUR TYPE.

I HEARD THAT. WHAT DID YOU SAY?

IF YOU HEARD IT, WHY ARE YOU ASKING?

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID YOUR TYPE

NEVER HANGS AROUND LONG ENOUGH

TO STAY YOUR TYPE.

THAT'S A ROTTEN THING TO SAY.

I KNOW.

I JUST FELT LIKE SAYING IT.

OH, JEEZ.

IS THIS HALLOWEEN?

MR. GARFIELD. I THINK SO.

I DIDN'T HEAR YOU COME IN.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?

I USED IT TO STOP A FIST

FROM GOING THROUGH MY HEAD.

WHAT KIND OF MEAT DO YOU HAVE ON THERE?

VEAL PARMIGIANO.

I WAS SAVING THESE STEAKS FOR LUCY.

OH, MY GOD! DOES THAT HURT?

ONLY WHEN I ACT.

OH. I'LL GET SOME ICE ON IT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ANYMORE.

I'VE DECIDED TO LET YOU STAY

AS LONG AS YOU WANT.

IT'S MY ONLY HOPE FOR SURVIVAL.

LISTEN, SOMETHING'LL COME UP.

YOU THINK SO?

WELL, LUCY'S FRIEND CYNTHIA FEIN

THINKS YOU HAVE CHARISMA.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE GOT?

CHARISMA-WISE.

PUT THIS ON YOUR EYE.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT MY TALENT.

TALENT-WISE I'M VERY SECURE.

IT'S APPEAL-WISE I'M A LITTLE SHAKY.

TELL ME THE TRUTH.

AM I AS ADORABLE AS I THINK I AM?

YOU'RE OUTRAGEOUS.

I CAN'T KEEP UP WITH YOUR ENERGY LEVEL.

DO YOU GET THE FEELING

SOMETHING'S STARTING BETWEEN US?

I HAVEN'T HEARD THAT LINE SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

OUT OF MY WAY, PLEASE.

I HAVE TO SELL JAPANESE CARS IN THE MORNING.

IS THAT WHY YOU HAVE THE KABUKI MAKEUP ON?

YOU LET ME STAND THERE?!

TOWEL! CAN I HAVE A TOWEL, PLEASE?!

MMM!

DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN.

YOUR LIPS MAY SAY, "NO, NO,"

BUT THERE'S "YES, YES," IN YOUR EYES.

DON'T GET CUTE WITH ME.

YOUR CUTE LITTLE FACE DRIVES ME CRAZY.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FACE?

NOTHING WORKS, BUT YOU PUT IT ALL TOGETHER,

IT'S A KNOCKOUT.

OH! DON'T!

I THINK WE GOT OURSELVES

A HOT INFATUATION HERE.

I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME FOR ROMANCE.

I HAVE A DAUGHTER THAT I'M TRYING TO SAVE

FROM GETTING RICKETS.

I WENT FOR IT THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOU

THROUGH THE CRACK IN THE DOOR.

I SAID THAT'S THE BEST HALF A FACE

I'VE EVER LAID EYES ON.

DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH.

I DON'T WANNA BE ON YOUR SIDE.

IF YOU WERE A BROADWAY MUSICAL,

THEY'D COME OUT HUMMING YOUR FACE.

YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

I'M TOO OLD TO GET EMBARRASSED ANYMORE.

YOU HAVE A BETTER SMILE THAN ALL THE TOOTH ADS ON TELEVISION.

PLEASE. OH! PLEASE, DON'T DO THAT.

OH, DON'T MAKE ME FEEL HAPPY.

OH, I JUST HATE THIS SICKENING,

"IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE ALIVE" FEELING.

DON'T COME INTO MY LIFE.

I JUST GOT THROUGH

PUTTING UP ALL THE FENCES.

CAN'T I EVEN SEE YOU TO YOUR DOOR?

IT'S A ROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD.

ELLIOT. YES! CALL ME ELLIOT.

I'VE ALREADY KISSED YOUR NOSE.

ELLIOT--

I'M PRAYING--OH, GOD.

I PRAY--

I PRAY TO GOD

THAT THIS IS ALL GONE IN THE MORNING.

THE HELL YOU DO.

I'LL MEET YOU IN THE KITCHEN TOMORROW NIGHT.

DON'T DRESS.

PAULA! PAULA, WHERE ARE YOU RUNNING?

OH, I WANNA SEE LUCY

BEFORE SHE GOES TO BED.

I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

THE MASERATI PEOPLE

ARE THROWING A SMALL PARTY UPSTAIRS AT 21.

AND THIS GUY, GIORGIO--

THE ONE THAT SMELLS BETTER THAN US--

HE SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR YOU,

THE GIRL WITH THE LAUGHING TEETH.

OH, GEE. I CAN'T. I GOTTA GO HOME.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. HE'S GORGEOUS!

HE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU HE WAS.

YOU KNOW, IF IT WERE ANY OTHER TIME...

WHAT'S A BETTER TIME

THAN WHEN YOU'RE STILL ALIVE?

"THIS IS THE SLEEPING CHILD.

"KISS HER GOOD NIGHT

"AND COME UP TO ROOF FOR PRIVATE PARTY.

DRESS VERY FANCY."

ELLIOT?

ELLIOT, ARE YOU HERE?

SAY SOMETHING.

OH, I DON'T LIKE THIS.

I SAID IT WAS FORMAL, KID.

THE PARTY HAS TO BE OVER BY DAWN,

OTHERWISE IT'S ANOTHER 10 BUCKS

FOR THE SUIT.

♪ HEAVEN ♪

♪ I'M IN HEAVEN ♪

♪ AND MY HEART BEATS SO THAT I CAN HARDLY SPEAK ♪

♪ AND I SEEM TO FIND THE HAPPINESS I SEEK ♪

♪ WHEN WE'RE OUT TOGETHER ♪

♪ DANCING CHEEK TO CHEEK ♪

DON'T PANIC.

EVEN GINGER WAS NERVOUS

THE FIRST TIME SHE DANCED WITH ME.

WHAT ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT?

OH, KILL ME. I'M A SUCKER FOR ROMANCE.

I GOT A JOB.

A REAL JOB. A REAL ACTING JOB.

YOU DID? WHERE?!

THE INVENTORY.

IT'S AN IMPROVISATIONAL GROUP

ON CHARLES STREET.

THEY SAW RICHARD III

AND SAID IF I COULD DO THAT,

I COULD DO ANYTHING!

OH! OH! NO!

DON'T LET IT RAIN!

NOT ON OUR PARADE!

OH, IT'S OK.

THE SUIT'S TOO BIG FOR ME ANYWAY.

I AUDITIONED FOR THEM THIS AFTERNOON

WITH THIS GIRL LYNDA.

VERY TALENTED.

OH, THE SAME ONE THAT PLAYED LADY ANNE?

NO. THAT WAS RHONDA. THIS IS LYNDA.

IS SHE PRETTY?

NO, NO. UGLY. VERY UGLY.

DOESN'T HAVE A GREAT SMILE LIKE YOURS.

I PLAYED ABRAHAM LINCOLN, FAKED THE BEARD.

MARY TODD IS OUT OF TOWN.

GENERAL GRANT TAKES ME TO A BROTHEL.

OOH! YEAH.

SADIE, WHO RUNS IT, TRIES TO PULL MY BEARD,

AND I SAY, "NO, NO, NO, MADAM,

"NO ONE PULLS THE BIG GUY'S BEARD.

GRANT! PUT AWAY YOUR SWORD."

I IMPROVISED THE WHOLE...

♪ HEAVEN ♪

THING.

♪ I'M IN HEAVEN ♪

♪ AND MY HEART BEATS ♪

♪ SO THAT I CAN HARDLY SPEAK ♪

♪ AND I SEEM TO FIND ♪

♪ THE HAPPINESS I SEEK... ♪

OH, DON'T STOP!

OH! I DON'T WANT TO SHRINK MY RENTED SUIT.

♪ CHEEK TO CHEEK ♪

WHOO!

♪ HEAVEN ♪

♪ I'M IN HEAVEN ♪

HOW IS YOUR PIZZA?

PERFECT.

I JUST LOVE IT SOAKED WITH RAIN.

DAMN IT! I ASKED FOR RAINPROOF.

SO...WHAT HAPPENED WHEN TONY DUMPED YOU?

HE DIDN'T DUMP ME.

HE MOVED OUT FOR HIS CAREER.

IDIOT. MM-HMM.

IT HAPPENS A LOT IN THIS BUSINESS.

I MEAN, A GUY GOES ON THE ROAD

FOR 6 MONTHS WITH A SHOW,

AND HE GETS LONELY.

THE ONLY TIME YOU HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE

IS WHEN YOUR MAN IS IN A FLOP.

THEY'RE BROKE, BUT THEY COME HOME.

WHERE DID YOU MEET TONY?

I'M ASHAMED TO TELL YOU. WHY?

I SAW HIM

IN THE ICEMAN COMETH AT THE PUBLIC.

HE WASN'T VERY GOOD, BUT...

HE WAS GORGEOUS,

AND I COULDN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF HIM.

DON'T LAUGH.

I WAITED FOR HIM

TO COME OUT THE STAGE DOOR,

AND THEN I JUST INTRODUCED MYSELF TO HIM

LIKE A REGULAR GROUPIE.

A WEEK LATER I MOVED IN WITH HIM,

AND THE REST IS MISERY.

WHY DID YOU DO IT?

IF YOU DANCE WITH THE CHORUS OF A MUSICAL,

THE BOYS USUALLY HAVE HIGHER VOICES

THAN THE GIRLS.

10 YEARS OF THAT,

AND YOU GET VERY HUNG UP ON MACHO MEN.

THANK GOD I GOT THROUGH THAT PERIOD.

I'LL LET THAT REMARK PASS.

SO ARE WE GONNA SLEEP WITH EACH OTHER TONIGHT?

OF ALL THE RIGHT-UP-FRONT GIRLS I HAVE EVER MET,

YOU ARE THE MOST RIGHT-UP-FRONTEST.

WELL, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?

NERVOUS.

A PUSHOVER, BUT NERVOUS.

DON'T BE NERVOUS...

'CAUSE I'LL BE THERE.

WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?

I COULDN'T SLEEP, SO I WENT INSIDE TO READ.

WHAT'D YOU READ?

A LIFE OF LINCOLN. GO BACK TO SLEEP.

SO...WHEN DO I MOVE BACK TO MY OLD ROOM?

OH.

GOOD, GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

PLEASE. NO APPLAUSE.

AND WHAT'S NEW THIS MORNING?

OK, THERE'S NOTHING NEW THIS MORNING.

THEY SAY THIS KID LINDBERGH'S

GONNA TRY TO FLY THE ATLANTIC.

WILLIAM HOLDEN IS GONNA PLAY LINDBERGH.

JAMES STEWART IS GOING TO PLAY LINDBERGH.

WE'VE BEEN FOUND OUT, HAVE WE?

I THOUGHT THE KID WAS ROOTING FOR US.

DON'T CALL HER KID.

SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO BE CALLED KID.

OH, SORRY. IN CHICAGO,

IT'S AN EXPRESSION OF ENDEARMENT. YOU KNOW,

LIKE, "HI, KID." "HOW'S IT GOING, KID?"

"WHAT'S WRONG, KID?"

NOTHING.

GLAD TO HEAR IT. ANY BUTTERED TOAST?

SHE'S JUST SCARED, THAT'S ALL.

LUCY?

SHE'S AFRAID WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE CAN HAPPEN AGAIN.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO-- PARTNERS?

I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST YOU AND ME LAST NIGHT.

WHAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE AFFECTS HERS.

AND I'M SCARED, TOO.

LISTEN. WOULD YOU BE TERRIBLY HURT

IF WE JUST FORGOT ABOUT LAST NIGHT?

OH, IT'S TOO LATE. I'VE ALREADY

MADE THE ENTRY IN MY DIARY.

LOOK AT ME.

I'M STANDING HERE WITH SWEATY PALMS,

AND I HAVE MY HANDS IN COLD WATER.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING THIS MORNING.

HMM? WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

INSTEAD OF ASKING ME SO MANY QUESTIONS,

YOU COULD AT LEAST SAY TO ME "LAST NIGHT WAS WONDERFUL."

LAST NIGHT WAS WONDERFUL.

I MEAN, INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT YOUR LOUSY BREAKFAST

AND YOUR BUTTERED TOAST,

WHY CAN'T YOU LOOK AT ME AND SAY, "I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU."

I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S EASY ENOUGH FOR YOU TO SAY

WHEN I'VE TOLD YOU TO SAY IT.

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST TOUCH ME,

HOLD MY HAND, STROKE MY HAIR?

AT LEAST LET ME KNOW THERE'S SOME REALLY NICE FEELING

THAT EXISTED BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.

NO! IT'S--SEE? IT'S TOO LATE NOW.

I MEAN, IF I HAVE TO THINK OF EVERYTHING FOR YOU...

MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

GOD, I MUST BE CRAZY! CRAZY!

I KEEP DOING THE SAME DAMN THING TO MYSELF

OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

WHAT AM I GONNA LEARN?

YOU KNOW, I AM JUST NOT UP FOR FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN.

IT'S--IT'S TOO MUCH WORK.

UH, I THINK WE'D BE BETTER OFF

IF YOU'D JUST PACKED UP ALL YOUR THINGS

AND LEFT.

AND IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL.

NOW I KNOW WHY THEY ALL LEFT!

CRACKERS!

ANIMAL CRACKERS, LADY!

YOU HAVE A SEVERE CASE OF EMOTIONAL RETARDATION.

I AM NOT LEAVING! I AM ESCAPING!

IF ANY MAIL COMES FOR ME, JUST KEEP IT.

I'M NOT GIVING YOU ANY FORWARDING ADDRESSES.

BUT IN PASSING,

I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT LAST NIGHT WAS TERRIFIC.

THE SUPER BOWL OF ROMANCE. I GIVE IT A 9 ON A SCALE OF 10.

YOU GET ONE OFF FOR BURPING YOUR WINE,

BUT ALL IN ALL A VERY RESPECTABLE SCORE.

DON'T YOU GET GLIB ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

IT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME.

COULD YOU LOWER YOUR NEUROSES, PLEASE?

I'M NOT FINISHED.

DON'T EVER TELL ME WHEN TO GET AFFECTIONATE.

I TOUCH WHEN I WANT TO TOUCH.

I FONDLE WHEN I WANT TO FONDLE.

I WAS PLANNING TO TOUCH YOU ALL DURING MY EGGS

AND FONDLE YOU RIGHT THROUGH MY COFFEE.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

YOU LOVE TO LOVE SOMEBODY,

BUT THE MINUTE THEY TAKE THE INITIATIVE,

LIKE I DID LAST NIGHT, IT SCARES THE PANTS OFF YOU.

NOTHING OFF-COLOR INTENDED.

YOU DIDN'T WAIT OUTSIDE ANY STAGE DOOR FOR ME.

I APPROACHED FIRST. I TOUCHED FIRST,

AND YOU CAN'T HANDLE ANYONE GOIN' FIRST.

OH, YOU ARE LAUGHABLE,

AND...SILLY.

YEAH, YOU'RE A SILLY MAN.

IS HE THE SILLIEST MAN YOU EVER MET?

MM-HMM.

YOU--YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT.

YOU KNOW YOURSELF TOO WELL TO IGNORE WHAT I'M SAYING.

YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE?

TAMING OF THE SHREW.

WHICH I DID IN CANADA.

AND DESPITE THE FACT, KATE,

THAT YOU ARE A LARGE PAIN IN THE ARSE,

LAST NIGHT WAS THE BEST THING

THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME GIRL-WISE,

AND IF YOU WEREN'T BEHAVING

LIKE SUCH A HORSE'S RECTUM THIS MORNING,

YOU AND I COULD HAVE BEEN TOUCHING AND FONDLING

RIGHT UP TILL 5:00 WHEN I HAVE TO GO DO MY IMPROV.

PERSONALLY, MADAM, I THINK YOU BLEW IT.

HOPE YOU DIDN'T LEAVE YOUR SUITCASE ON YOUR BED.

IT'S JUST THAT... NEVER MIND.

LADY M!

THE BLACK PRINCE IS DEAD.

ENGLAND IS YOURS!

DON'T YOU WANT ENGLAND?

SPAIN, MAYBE.

SPAIN I CAN GET YOU CHEAP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THAT THING?

GET IN QUICK.

THE HORSE HAS A METER ON HIM.

IS THAT CYNTHIA FEIN?

LISTEN. I THINK YOU HAVE CHARISMA, TOO.

DID YOU TELL HIM?!

I NEVER SAID THAT!

WAIT TILL I GET YOU, LUCY!

SO...YOU WANT TO GO TO MY OPENING TONIGHT?

I HAVE HOMEWORK.

WHAT ARE YOU SORE ABOUT, ME AND YOUR MOM?

IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

WELL, SINCE YOU AND I

ARE GONNA BE CHANGING BEDROOMS TONIGHT,

I THINK IT IS,

ONLY I'M A LITTLE OLD-FASHIONED.

I WANT YOUR APPROVAL.

ME? I'M 10 YEARS OLD.

I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO VOTE YET.

I LIKE YOUR STYLE, KID. I REALLY DO. SORRY.

I HEAR YOU DON'T LIKE BEING CALLED A KID.

I'M A KID. IT FITS.

DO YOU LIKE ME?

YOU'RE WASTING A LOT OF MONEY. I'M NOT ENJOYING THIS RIDE.

ANSWER MY QUESTION.

DO YOU LIKE ME?

ASK CYNTHIA FEIN. SHE'S CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

I'M GONNA KEEP ASKING TILL I GET AN ANSWER.

DO YOU LIKE ME?

CAN I GET OUT OF THIS THING? I'M GETTING NAUSEOUS.

ANSWER ME, DAMN IT! YES OR NO!?

NOW, IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME EITHER WAY,

BECAUSE I'M GONNA MOVE IN WITH YOUR OLD LADY ANYWAY,

BUT I WANT TO HEAR IT FIRST

YES OR NO?

NO!

YES.

WAS THAT A YES?

YES.

A LOT?

YES.

A REALLY, REALLY LOT?

YES! YES, ALL RIGHT?!

WELL, AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE ME,

IT'S NOT 1/1000th AS MUCH

AS I'M NUTS ABOUT YOU.

I SWEAR, LUCY, IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE ME,

I WOULDN'T MOVE IN WITH YOUR MOM,

AND THAT'S THE TRUTH.

I AM CERTIFIABLY NUTS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR MOMMY.

NOW, BLOW THAT INTO YOUR HANDKERCHIEF.

I DON'T HAVE A HANDKERCHIEF.

WELL, THEN CRY ON THE HORSE.

PLEASE! PLEASE! NO MORE APPLAUSE.

IF THE OWNER OF THIS PLACE

HEARS SO MUCH APPLAUSE HE'LL HAVE TO PAY US,

AND THEN HE'LL CLOSE THE CLUB!

YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE

MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD?

HMM?

FURNITURE. MY OWN FURNITURE.

IS THAT TOO DOMESTIC A THING TO SAY?

NO, NO, NO.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WANTED FURNITURE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE THAT INTERESTED IN SITTING.

♪ LAUGHTER IN THE SUNSHINE ♪

♪ BABY... ♪

TODAY. SOMETIME TODAY.

♪ LOOK MY WAY ♪

♪ RAINBOWS IN THE SPRINGTIME, BABY ♪

SOMETHING DIDN'T COME OUT RIGHT.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT, ELLIOT?

IT'S NOT ON PARK AVENUE.

HOW MANY WEEKS DO YOU HAVE TO PLAY

BEFORE I CAN HAVE AN ARMCHAIR?

WELL, IF YOU TAKE ONE WITHOUT ARMS, ABOUT A YEAR.

OH.

MAMA BEAR DID THE CAVE REAL NICE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'VE GOT A MATINEE. IT'S SUNDAY.

UM, THAT'S MY SCARF.

YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN WEAR MY DRESS FROM RICHARD III.

HEY.

I THINK YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

OH? MMM.

I THINK YOU'VE GOT SOME VERY NICE QUALITIES, TOO.

OH, BY THE WAY,

LEAVE YOUR TUESDAY MORNING OPEN.

WHAT ARE WE DOING TUESDAY MORNING?

HOW DO BLOOD TESTS STRIKE YOU?

AAH!

OH, I JUST WANT TO GO HOME, GET IN MY BED,

AND WAKE UP IN HOLLYWOOD.

OH, THAT WAS A 4-STAR SHOW. MAYBE 5.

YOU KNOW, THAT WAS ONE I'D LIKE TO BOTTLE.

GOD, WE WERE GOOD! WHOO! WHOO!

DEPUTY, THERE'S NO AIR IN HERE!

GIVE THE ACTORS SOME AIR!

WE'RE HUMAN BEINGS, NOT CATTLE!

MOO! MOO!

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WHOO!

HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE IN THAT THING?

WHO'S THAT?

I WOULD KNOCK,

BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO KNOCK ON A CURTAIN.

WHO IS THAT?

HELLO. OLIVER FREY.

WHO?

OLIVER FREY. IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

OLIVER FREY-- THE DIRECTOR?

I BELIEVE SO.

OH! NO KIDDING!

OH, THAT'S-- NICE TO MEET YOU.

OLIVER FREY, WHAT DO YA KNOW?

PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

THIS IS GRETCHEN.

IT'S NOT POSSIBLE TO PRONOUNCE HER LAST NAME.

OH, THAT'S OK.

HOW DO YOU DO-- WHOA!

GET BACK HERE.

HOW DO YOU DO? I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

WE THOUGHT YOU WERE WONDERFUL.

OH, REALLY? YEAH, IS THAT WHAT YOU--

IS THAT WHAT YOU THOUGHT?

I HAVE NO REASON TO LIE.

WELL, IT'S A GOOD GROUP.

THEY'RE ALL TERRIFIC KIDS.

I LOVE THEM ALL.

YOU'RE VERY TALENTED, YOU KNOW.

ME? OH, THANK YOU.

WELL, WE DON'T WANT TO KEEP YOU.

I JUST HAD ONE THING I WANTED TO ASK YOU.

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN A MOVIE?

YOU MEAN MAKING ONE?

WELL, WE COULD GO TO ONE,

BUT I THINK WORKING IS MUCH MORE FUN.

WITH YOU? YEAH, I'M INTERESTED.

I AM, TOO.

CERTAINLY, I'M INTERESTED!

ARE YOU KIDDING?! SURE.

WELL, I'LL HAVE MY PEOPLE CALL YOUR PEOPLE.

GREAT. OH, WAIT.

I--I DON'T HAVE ANY PEOPLE.

OH, WELL,

I'LL GET YOU SOME, AND I'LL CALL THEM.

I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.

AND SO... I SUPPOSE GOOD-BYE.

YES, GOOD-BYE.

WELL, I SUPPOSE YOU WANT YOUR DOOR CLOSED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?

DID YOU LOCK YOURSELF OUT AGAIN?

LUCY, WHAT IS IT?

AT LEAST WE DIDN'T GET A LETTER THIS TIME.

SENDING THAT STUFF TO THE LAUNDRY,

I HOPE?

I GOT A PICTURE. WHAT?

A PICTURE, PAULA. I GOT A MOVIE!

WOW. HERE IT COMES AGAIN.

IT'S A TERRIFIC PICTURE.

OLIVER FREY IS DIRECTING.

I HAVE TO BE IN SEATTLE ON LOCATION TOMORROW MORNING.

OH! SEATTLE, WASHINGTON.

YEAH, I KNOW WHERE THAT IS.

IT'S FAR AWAY.

WHO CARES? I'M NOT WALKING.

THEY LEFT A FIRST-CLASS TICKET AT THE AIRPORT.

4 WEEKS' WORK. 2,350 A WEEK.

OH, I MEAN, OLIVER FREAKING FREY--

I MEAN, HE'S THE BEST, YOU KNOW?

I DIDN'T EVEN ASK WHAT THE PART WAS.

WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

SO, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT THAT BIG A PART.

YOU KNOW, NO ONE HEARD OF AL PACINO

BEFORE THE GODFATHER, RIGHT?

I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER FOR YOU.

OH, LOOK AT ME. I'M SHAKING.

I SPENT 20 YEARS BUILDING UP MY EGO,

NOW WHEN I REALLY NEED IT, IT LOCKS ITSELF IN THE JOHN.

OH, IT'LL COME BACK. TRUST ME.

WHAT'S WRONG?

IT'S--IT'S 4 WEEKS, 4 LOUSY WEEKS.

THAT'S A WEEK LESS THAN 5.

YEAH, I KNOW.

NO, YOU DON'T KNOW.

YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA GET DUMPED ON AGAIN, DON'T YOU?

YOU SAY YOU'LL COME BACK.

WHY SHOULDN'T I BELIEVE YOU?

WELL, BECAUSE IF I WERE YOU,

I WOULDN'T BELIEVE AN ACTOR EITHER.

YOU NEED SOME HELP?

NO. I SEE YOU TOOK EVERYTHING.

THEY TOLD ME IT WAS FREEZING UP THERE,

TO BRING ALL MY WARM CLOTHING.

PAULA, PAULA...COME ON.

YOU KNOW I WOULD TAKE YOU WITH ME IF I COULD.

IT'S JUST--IT'S WAY UP IN THE MOUNTAINS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S VERY ROUGH COUNTRY.

THEY GOT WOLVES UP THERE, YOU KNOW.

NOT IN THE MOVIE. I MEAN BIG, HUNGRY WOLVES.

I'VE ALWAYS GOTTEN ALONG FINE

WITH WOLVES.

LISTEN, I THOUGHT YOU'D BE EXCITED,

YOU KNOW, JUMPING UP AND DOWN.

I MEAN, IT'S WHAT I'VE WORKED FOR MY WHOLE LIFE.

ISN'T THAT WHAT A MATURE

YOU ROOT FOR ME, I ROOT FOR YOU?

THIS IS MY THIRD TIME AS CHEERLEADER.

OK, I GET THE POINT, YOU KNOW?

FORGET IT. I'M NOT GOING. IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

NOT IF I HAVE TO PUT YOU THROUGH 4 WEEKS OF HELL

WONDERING IF I'M GOING TO BE COMING BACK OR NOT.

YOU KNOW, I GOT THIS PICTURE.

I CAN GET ANOTHER ONE.

OK.

THE HELL I'M NOT. THAT'S CRAZY!

WHY SHOULD I DO A DUMB, STUPID THING

BECAUSE YOU DON'T TRUST ME?

I'M GOING.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO TRUST ME.

YOU GONNA TRUST ME, PAULA?

YEAH, I'LL PLAN MY DAYS AROUND IT.

DAMN IT. DAMN IT TO HELL!

I HATE THOSE 2 GUYS WHO WALKED OUT OF HERE.

I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO'S COMING BACK,

AND I'M GETTING ALL THE BLAME.

NO.

YOU GO, ELLIOT.

I WANT YOU TO GO.

I MEAN, IF YOU COME BACK, THAT'S FINE.

I'LL BE RIGHT HERE PUTTING UP MY WALLPAPER.

AND IF YOU DON'T, THAT'S OK, TOO.

I'LL MISS YOU, BUT I'LL SURVIVE.

I'VE GROWN UP SO MUCH IN THESE LAST 2 MONTHS.

I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.

I'M ALL GROWN UP.

I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER OR STRONGER IN MY LIFE.

SOMEONE'S ACTUALLY ABOUT TO WALK OUT THAT DOOR,

AND I'M NOT CRUMBLING INTO A MILLION PIECES.

I MEAN, GOD, THAT JUST...

FEELS REALLY GOOD.

BYE, ELLIOT.

YOU MAKE A NICE MOVIE

AND HAVE A WONDERFUL CAREER,

AND, YOU KNOW,

IF YOU'RE EVER UP FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD,

I'M GONNA KEEP MY FINGERS CROSSED FOR YOU.

WHAT IS THERE ABOUT YOU

THAT MAKES A MAN WITH 157 IQ

FEEL LIKE A DRIBBLING IDIOT?

WHATEVER IT IS, I THANK GOD FOR IT.

THANK YOU, GOD.

YOU KNOW...

INTERESTING LESSON I JUST LEARNED.

FALLING IN LOVE AND BECOMING SUCCESSFUL

MAY VERY WELL BE THE WORST THING

THAT CAN HAPPEN TO A MAN.

IF MY PLANE CRASHES IN THAT STORM,

I'M COMING BACK TO HAUNT YOU.

I'LL BE THE GHOST OF BLEECKER STREET.

I'LL BE SITTING IN THAT KITCHEN

EATING PASTA AND DRINKING CHIANTI

UNTIL YOU'RE 96 YEARS OLD.

SO LONG, KID.

SEE YA, KID.

♪ WITH YOU ♪

♪ BY MY SIDE ♪

♪ WE COULD HAVE OWNED ♪

♪ THE MOON ♪

♪ AND SKY ♪

♪ BUT NO MATTER ♪

♪ HOW HARD I TRY ♪

♪ MY LOVE ♪

♪ ESCAPES THE LIGHT ♪

I CAN'T SLEEP.

GIVE IT 5 MINUTES. JUST GET INTO BED.

I CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE.

YEAH?

HOW ABOUT PREDICTING MINE?

I PREDICT THERE'S A PHONE RINGING IN YOUR HOUSE.

HELLO.

GET DRESSED. YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

WHAT? WHERE ARE YOU?

ON THE STREET IN MY OLD LEAKY PHONE BOOTH.

THE PLANE HAD ENGINE TROUBLE.

WE'RE DELAYED 2 HOURS,

SO I CASHED IN FIRST CLASS FOR 2 COACH.

WHAT ABOUT LUCY?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT LUCY.

CALL DONNA.

SHE CAN STAY WITH HER TILL WE GET BACK.

COME ON!

THE CAB'S TICKING AWAY YOUR NEW BEDROOM SET.

BUT I THOUGHT YOU SAID I CAN'T COME WITH YOU.

I'LL TELL THEM YOU'RE MY ANALYST.

ACTORS ARE VERY HIGH-STRUNG PEOPLE.

YOU REALLY WANT ME TO COME?

YOU SURE LOVE A LOVE SCENE, DON'T YOU?

YES! I WANT YOU TO COME!

IT'S OK, THEN. I DON'T HAVE TO.

JUST AS LONG AS YOU ASKED.

PAULA, DON'T PLAY GAMES WITH ME.

MY CAB'S HALF UNDERWATER.

YOU'LL HAVE ENOUGH TO DO THERE

WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT ME.

BESIDES, I'VE GOT WORK TO DO.

I'M SPENDING ALL YOUR MONEY ON OUR APARTMENT.

BUT I'M NUTS FOR YOU!

I HOPE I'M CALLING THE RIGHT NUMBER.

PAULA, DO ME A FAVOR.

ANYTHING, ANGEL.

WILL YOU HAVE MY GUITAR RESTRUNG?

I'M NOT SLEEPING TOO GOOD LATELY.

I'LL CALL YOU TOMORROW.

HE LEFT HIS GUITAR?!

HE REALLY IS COMING BACK.

I NEVER DOUBTED IT FOR A MOMENT.

ELLIOT!

I HAVE IT! I HAVE IT!

HAVE A SAFE TRIP, SWEETHEART.

I LOVE YOU.

NEVER MIND THAT! YOU'RE RUSTING MY GUITAR!

♪ HEAVEN ♪

♪ WOKE UP ♪

♪ JUST IN TIME ♪

♪ HEAVEN WOKE UP JUST IN TIME ♪

♪ TO SEE ♪

♪ TO SEE HOW ♪

♪ BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ YOU ARE ♪

♪ ONE LAST ♪

♪ STROKE OF GENIUS ♪

♪ HEAVEN WOKE UP JUST ♪

♪ SHED ITS LIGHT ♪

♪ ON ♪

♪ ME ♪

♪ HEAVEN SPEAKS ♪

♪ SO TENDERLY ♪

♪ ALL YOUR LIFE YOU'VE WAITED ♪

♪ FOR LOVE TO COME AND STAY ♪

♪ AND NOW THAT I HAVE FOUND YOU ♪

♪ YOU MUST NOT SLIP AWAY ♪

♪ I KNOW IT'S HARD BELIEVING ♪

♪ THE WORDS YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE ♪

♪ BUT, DARLING, YOU MUST TRUST THEM, PLEASE ♪

♪ TRUST THEM JUST ONCE MORE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE, BABY, GOOD-BYE ♪

♪ GOOD-BYE ♪

♪ DOESN'T MEAN WE'LL NEVER ♪

♪ BE TOGETHER AGAIN ♪

♪ GOOD-BYE ♪

♪ DOESN'T MEAN FOREVER ♪

♪ GOOD-BYE ♪

♪ GOOD-BYE, GOODBYE GIRL ♪