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1
00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:14,043
Sorry! it was a onetime offense, man.
2
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:16,610
Won't happen again.
3
00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:25,658
Come on, man. All I did was jaywalk.
4
00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:30,797
Stop! No, please! No! No!
5
00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:03,497
I'm the Batman.
6
00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:15,328
Tonight, all of Gotham again
finds itself terrorized by Joker.
7
00:02:16,903 --> 00:02:20,430
Only this time, instead of breaking
the law, he's enforcing it.
8
00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:25,204
Donning the costume and mocking the methods
of his constant rival, the Batman...
9
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:29,782
Joker has inexplicably turned to
fighting crime. The crazed catch?
10
00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:34,478
It seems the offenses he targets
barely qualify as crimes at all.
11
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:38,057
And as Kimberly Smith,
the 78-year-old grandmother of 10...
12
00:02:38,225 --> 00:02:42,423
learned after absent-mindedly driving for
three blocks with her turn signal flashing...
13
00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:48,262
while the crimes may be minor,
Joker's punishment of them is anything but.
14
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:52,468
Imitation is the sincerest form
of flattery...
15
00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:55,131
but why do you suppose
the tribute, Master Bruce?
16
00:02:55,442 --> 00:02:57,740
Cheap knockoff is more like it.
17
00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:02,781
But what troubles me most is that my
antidote failed to cure Joker's jaywalker.
18
00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:08,046
A new strain of Joker gas.
How very ghastly indeed.
19
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:23,461
- Joker?
- Where?
20
00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:28,501
I don't know what you're after,
but you will be stopped.
21
00:03:28,675 --> 00:03:32,373
The only thing I'm after, mayor,
are the bad guys.
22
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:37,377
Then how do you justify what you did
to three of Gotham PD's finest today?
23
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:41,351
And for what? Speeding?
It was a police chase.
24
00:03:41,521 --> 00:03:43,853
No one's above the law.
25
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:52,225
"Bill for services rendered.
One million dollars?" What?
26
00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:55,664
Crime-fighting ain't charity work,
you know.
27
00:03:55,836 --> 00:04:01,138
- And if the city doesn't comply?
- Then Gotham pays dearly.
28
00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:05,867
Sorry.
29
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:11,214
I must say, mayor, of all the scum
I've taken down so far...
30
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:15,713
it was your wife who
disappointed me the most.
31
00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:18,023
My wife? Sheila?
32
00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:19,920
What have you done to Sheila?
33
00:04:20,293 --> 00:04:24,730
Eleven items at a 10-item grocery
checkout. She had it coming.
34
00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:32,263
Sheila.
35
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:33,439
Sheila!
36
00:04:42,382 --> 00:04:44,714
Well, well, well...
37
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:46,617
graffiti!
38
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,920
That's a pretty serious offense, girls.
39
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:52,320
But that's why I became a crime-fighter.
40
00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:55,223
To take out garbage like you.
41
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,432
The costume party's over, Joker.
42
00:05:02,869 --> 00:05:04,530
Joker? Didn't you hear?
43
00:05:04,704 --> 00:05:07,366
The clown prince of crime
has checked out.
44
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:09,305
He just couldn't take any more.
45
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:11,308
Couldn't take the Batman...
46
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,879
always there
to thwart his latest scheme.
47
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:16,709
Well, it was really starting
to drive him mad.
48
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:20,884
But then Joker thought
if he couldn't beat the bat...
49
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:23,955
he'd be the bat.
50
00:05:24,724 --> 00:05:26,818
Then Gotham has one Batman too many.
51
00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:29,758
Which means one of us has gotta go.
52
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:31,989
My thoughts exactly.
53
00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:40,823
New and improved Batman
beats original recipe.
54
00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:43,894
But that doesn't mean
our rivalry has to end.
55
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:46,334
You see, the Batman needs a Joker...
56
00:06:46,506 --> 00:06:48,406
someone who gives him purpose.
57
00:06:48,675 --> 00:06:51,406
Which means if I'm going to
make it as the Dark Knight...
58
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:54,707
I'm going to need a Joker of my own.
59
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:58,909
And who better a foil than you,
old friend?
60
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:07,723
Joker venom.
61
00:07:07,894 --> 00:07:11,592
Just the thing to inject
a bit of humor into you.
62
00:07:16,202 --> 00:07:19,399
Don't fret, Batman.
You'll soon make a great Joker.
63
00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:22,598
Just don't forget to smile.
64
00:07:37,557 --> 00:07:40,083
That is quite a nasty bite, sir.
65
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,887
Really, Alfred, it's nothing.
66
00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:46,221
Nothing? Who knows what chemical
concoction that madman cooked up for you?
67
00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:50,461
Look, if the snake's venom was harmful,
I'm sure I'd know it by now.
68
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,465
And to tell the truth, Alfred...
69
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:54,004
I feel great.
70
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:56,142
Even a bit chipper.
71
00:07:56,843 --> 00:08:00,302
Even so, we should let your
lab results inform us whether...
72
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,677
anything dangerous is currently
coursing through your veins.
73
00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:06,251
I think the only dangerous thing
you're gonna find...
74
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:08,649
are my cholesterol levels.
75
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:13,555
- Sir?
- Nothing, Alfred. Just a bad joke.
76
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:16,196
Well, I'd better get to the hospital
and see about...
77
00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:19,128
sneaking a blood sample
from Mayor Grange's wife.
78
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:22,166
Sir, all things considered,
until we know your results...
79
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:24,599
I must insist
you remain in the Batcave.
80
00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:28,833
Sorry, Alfred. Right now, I'm the only hope
of Joker's victims getting an antidote.
81
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:32,240
And besides, Mayor Grange could
probably use some support.
82
00:08:32,545 --> 00:08:35,606
Seeing an old friend might
bring a smile to his face.
83
00:08:41,621 --> 00:08:44,386
I can't begin to imagine what
you're going through, mayor.
84
00:08:44,724 --> 00:08:47,022
It's been a real tough stretch, Bruce.
85
00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:50,730
Your arm. You hurt yourself?
86
00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:52,828
Cut myself shaving.
87
00:08:55,001 --> 00:08:56,469
Kidding.
88
00:08:58,738 --> 00:09:03,175
Yes, well, I am glad you came, Bruce.
I was hoping I could get your advice.
89
00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:06,404
Joker's demanding a large ransom,
and the city, well...
90
00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:09,879
just doesn't have that kind
of money available.
91
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:12,777
If it means helping Gotham
and easing your burden...
92
00:09:12,952 --> 00:09:14,920
I can write you a check right now.
93
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:17,188
You... You'd do that?
94
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,158
No.
95
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:22,387
Yes.
96
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:24,558
I'm not sure that's funny, Bruce.
97
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:28,395
No, I'm being very serious, sir.
98
00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:31,966
Are you sure everything's all right?
99
00:09:35,341 --> 00:09:38,436
Maybe I am a little bit out of sorts.
100
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:41,441
Why don't we see how Sheila's doing?
101
00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:46,751
I wanna warn you, it's pretty shocking.
102
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,551
Oh, that's terrib...
103
00:09:57,397 --> 00:10:00,697
Bruce, please!
104
00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:03,962
Sorry. Oh, I don't know
what's come over me.
105
00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:11,171
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
106
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:15,205
Hey!
107
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:17,845
The Joker venom.
108
00:10:24,691 --> 00:10:28,423
The results of the lab analysis
are grim, Alfred. Very grim.
109
00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:31,496
It seems Joker's new venom
attacks the nervous system...
110
00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:35,965
and forces the body to gradually increasing
fits of laughter, until finally...
111
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:41,006
Joker said he wanted an archenemy,
but he didn't say a pulse was required.
112
00:10:41,774 --> 00:10:44,243
That's rich.
113
00:10:44,410 --> 00:10:46,742
You crack me up, Al.
114
00:10:50,016 --> 00:10:51,950
So I devised this antidote.
115
00:10:52,118 --> 00:10:55,520
All I need is a sample of Joker's
original venom in order to complete it.
116
00:10:55,688 --> 00:10:57,850
Which would require finding Joker.
117
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:02,356
And soon. At the poison's current rate
of progress, I have an hour left to live.
118
00:11:05,698 --> 00:11:08,463
And now only 59 minutes, 39 seconds.
119
00:11:09,736 --> 00:11:13,502
Fifty-nine minutes, 27 seconds.
120
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:17,375
Things can't get any worse now,
can they?
121
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:50,567
Pull yourself together, sir.
122
00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:52,637
I'm sorry, Alfred.
123
00:11:52,812 --> 00:11:56,077
This venom is driving me batty. Batty!
124
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:01,752
The Batwave.
125
00:12:02,789 --> 00:12:06,282
- Break-in at the Gotham Museum of Art.
- Joker?
126
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:08,928
The crime clown has
a different MO these days.
127
00:12:09,095 --> 00:12:12,725
Isn't the museum hosting a collection
of priceless Fabergé eggs this week?
128
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:16,502
- You don't think...?
- Penguin.
129
00:12:16,936 --> 00:12:20,338
As much as I hate to suggest it,
Oswald Cobblepot...
130
00:12:20,506 --> 00:12:24,374
will have to get a free pass tonight,
as your focus must be on finding Joker.
131
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:27,912
If Joker's playing Batman,
he'll be there to take down Penguin.
132
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,913
I can hit two birds with one stone.
133
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,976
Get it? Birds!
134
00:12:34,954 --> 00:12:36,922
Good one, sir.
135
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,818
Break-in at the Gotham Museum of Art.
136
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:42,928
This looks like a job for...
137
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,326
the Batman.
138
00:13:03,249 --> 00:13:07,948
Oh, these precious eggs are
gonna hatch me a fortune.
139
00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:12,157
The perfect crime. No fuss, no muss...
140
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:15,158
- and no...
- Penguin.
141
00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:18,655
Batman.
142
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:41,954
Joker?
143
00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:43,816
I'm the Batman.
144
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:46,550
You see, the thing is...
145
00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:48,125
you're not!
146
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,990
The eggs, Penguin, or I scramble you.
147
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,563
Are you out of your gourd?
148
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:54,359
I'm in the middle of a heist.
149
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:58,971
You don't see me barging in on your
gas-all-of-Gotham schemes, do you?
150
00:13:59,138 --> 00:14:01,573
It is called professional courtesy.
151
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:05,075
Sorry, Pengy, but bringing down
Gotham's second biggest criminal...
152
00:14:05,244 --> 00:14:07,679
means my biggest bounty yet.
153
00:14:08,414 --> 00:14:10,109
Second biggest?
154
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:12,251
Says who?
155
00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:43,447
- Joker.
- Batman?
156
00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:48,914
If it isn't dumb and dumber.
157
00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:55,126
Okay, now you two are
starting to creep me out.
158
00:14:55,294 --> 00:14:58,093
This is no longer funny, Joker.
159
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:02,158
Hand over the venom.
160
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:08,068
But you're so close to completing
your evolution.
161
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,903
Well, it seems you two have
something to settle, so I'll...
162
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:14,138
- Not so fast, Penguin. The eggs.
- The eggs.
163
00:15:38,504 --> 00:15:40,063
Yes.
164
00:15:42,074 --> 00:15:45,237
That is one expensive omelet.
165
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,445
Since I can't leave here empty-handed...
166
00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:58,514
You do not want that, Penguin.
167
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:03,288
If you want it, Batman, I want it.
168
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:35,324
Comedy is timing, you know.
169
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:58,750
Well, now, what could it be
that you want so badly?
170
00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,646
No. That is not a good idea.
171
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:03,253
Says you.
172
00:17:08,561 --> 00:17:10,120
Priceless.
173
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:26,469
Well, guess I'll just hang out here.
174
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,206
That's a good one, Pengy.
175
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:46,792
You know, it's funny.
This situation reminds me of a joke.
176
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:49,294
A doctor told his patient:
177
00:17:49,468 --> 00:17:52,665
"I have bad news and worse news."
178
00:17:52,838 --> 00:17:57,002
"Oh, dear. What's the bad news?"
asked the patient.
179
00:17:57,343 --> 00:18:01,109
The doctor replied,
"You only have 24 hours to live."
180
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:07,114
"That's terrible," said the patient, "but
how can the other news possibly be worse?"
181
00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:15,120
The doctor replied, "Well..."
182
00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:19,162
I've been trying to contact
you since yesterday!"
183
00:18:31,143 --> 00:18:33,544
That joke always slays them.
184
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:55,930
You really know how to squelch a laugh.
185
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:03,533
Stop me if you've heard
this one before, Joker.
186
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,841
A man walked into a bar...
187
00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:11,642
and said:
188
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:26,054
Good one, Batman. Said:
189
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:31,399
Who knew you had it in you?
190
00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:35,868
That's the Joker I know.
191
00:19:43,315 --> 00:19:45,511
Hey, what's so funny?
14907
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