All language subtitles for The Larry Sanders Show s01e12 A Brush With Greatness.eng

Now that sign says "applesauce."

No, I'm kidding.

It says "applause."

Ray, do me a favor.
Could you flick that once?

All right.

Now remember, you're all
a big part of the show...

so the better you are,
the better Larry is.

All right, here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

In five, four, three, two...

Live, on tape from Hollywood,
The Larry Sanders Show.

Tonight, join Larry
and his guests...

Bebe Neuwirth, Penny Marshall...

Garth Brooks and me,
"Hey Now" Hank Kingsley.

And now, because I am daffy about this
guy and I don't care who knows it...

Larry...

Sanders!

Thank you very much.

Before I go on with the monologue,
I have to ask Hank...

what is "daffy"?

You said you're "daffy about the guy,"
which scares me.

What exactly does "daffy" mean?

It shouldn't scare you.
I mean...

cuckoo about the guy.

You should get some help.

I'm getting some
immediately after the show.

Hope the bars are open.

Larry Bird retired because
he said he realized he was white.

Gerald Ford's son, Steven...

is going to be in a new NBC series
called Secret Service.

Not since Neil Bush appeared on
television in America's Most Wanted...

has a president's son
been on television.

Speaking of President Bush...

he says that he's
going to "come out swinging."

Isn't that what
got Clinton into trouble?

Do not flip around.
Come right back.

Do not flip around.

Please explain
Garth Brooks to me.

He's a sweet kid, good old boy.

- Chicks seem to dig his sound.
- "Chicks seem to dig his sound"?

Artie, I don't wanna keep you. I know
you have Twiggy waiting at your pad.

Does this hat make my ass
look fat, by the way?

Horse-hocky. Everybody
looks good in a cowboy hat.

- Yeah, right.
- Larry.

Before you take off, I've invited
a Mr. Ben Smalley to the show...

and he's the head honcho
from Chicken In A Minute...

that fast-food chicken place?

It's a national chain, and they're
looking for a new spokesman...

and it's between me...

and that obnoxious turd
who does that "Hey, Vern" character.

- Oh, that's Ernest.
- He's funny.

"Hey, Vern." "Whattaya say, Vern?"
He's a pisser.

- We gotta get him on the show.
- Listen.

Mr. Ben Smalley's coming
the night after next.

Now, would it be possible for me
to mention Chicken In A Minute...

during the actual body
of the show?

Right. Right. Phone call for me.
Better get that.

Well, listen, we'll...
we'll be discussing this...

I thought we agreed that
the fishing pole was an outdoor toy.

You are such a girl, and besides,
the shag bass are biting, honey.

- What?
- The shag bass.

- Honey! Jesus!
- What?

- We're having this for dinner.
- Let's cook it up.

- Put it back.
- Put it back?

- Throw it back into the carpet?
- No, put it back in the fridge.

Popular talk-show host Larry Sanders
was involved in an incident...

at Quinn's Market in Larchmont Village
yesterday evening.

Shopper Carol Biederman says
she was just waiting in line...

when Sanders pushed his way in front of
her, knocking her into a magazine rack.

He just bumped me out of his way
like I wasn't even there.

It was just rude, you know?

I think that
we have to send a message...

to these celebrities
and say, like...

you know, just because
we're the little people...

doesn't mean that we don't exist.

You know, he looks thin
when you see him on his show...

but in real life,
he has kind of a gut.

- What was he buying?
- Turn it off.

- He had a big bottle of Excedrin.
- You wanna playback?

- No, turn it off.
- Giant size.

- Artie, please?
- And a jar of...

- Do you recognize that woman?
- No.

But you were in this
supermarket last night?

For God's sakes,
put a bright light on me.

Yes. I had one of those headaches
where I get tunnel vision.

I pulled off to get Excedrin
at the nearest place I could...

got the Excedrin and some artichoke
hearts, 'cause you know I love those.

Artichoke hearts?
Ever try 'em in a salad?

- They really add zing.
- Don't they?

So I get that stuff.

The woman must have seen me in the
market, and she makes up this story...

like she's clearly
delusional and pathetic.

She sounds exactly
like that crazy woman...

that keeps breaking into
Letterman's house.

Except, instead of a house,
it was a supermarket.

Instead of Letterman, it was you.
Instead of breaking in, she got pushed.

Instead of New York, LA.

- Instead of a redhead...
- I'll tell you what pisses me off.

The media should have something
better to do than focus on me.

That's why I refuse to watch the local
news. "Two kittens fell in a well."

- Who gives a shit?
- Exactly.

Who are you calling?

I don't want anybody
to talk to the reporters.

What reporters?

Not many.

How many?

Not many.

- Approximately.
- Approximately not many.

Have you ever seen Larry be physically
abusive to one of his employees?

- Never.
- Absolutely not.

It depends on what you mean by
"physically abusive."

Would you call beating a man
half to death...

because he ran out
of nondairy creamer abusive?

Of course, after you beat a man like
that, you know what the next step is.

Larry had to make him his bitch.

Trouble on
the Carol Biederman front.

- Does the bad boy say I shot him?
- Oh, worse than that.

Security camera
at the supermarket.

Entertainment Tonight
got a copy of the tape.

- How did you get it?
- Mary Hart sent it to me.

I fished a dead bird out of her spa
on the Fourth ofJuly.

- She owed me a favor.
- Put it in.

All we're gonna see is me and my
artichoke hearts and my Excedrin.

That's all.

I'm tellin' you.

How would you like to be the guy
who watches this all day long?

Ten bucks says it's a cable channel
by the end of the year.

- There she is.
- Is that her?

Look at her.
She's not gonna buy that.

This isn't a fuckin'
lending library, lady.

- Look who's here.
- There's Larry.

And the artichokes
are in your left hand?

Left hand.

Turn it off.
There's nothing else to see.

They're making something
out of nothing.

- Whoa!
- I'm fucked.

I'm really fucked.

Thanks for coming in
on such short notice, Norman.

I'm a publicity man.
Damage control is my job.

Listen, you guys,
I just don't remember, honestly...

bumping into this woman at all.

I remember I was in the grocery store,
and I heard a crash...

but, you know, a supermarket in LA,
lfigured it was looting.

That's understandable.
It would've been my first thought.

Then, after I saw the tape,
I remembered that woman.

I've never seen a grocery cart
so overloaded in my life.

The woman must have been storing stuff
for the quake or something.

Take it easy.
Let that Excedrin work for you.

What's the word
from the network, Norm?

They were fine until they saw the tape,
and then they started coughing up blood.

Half the civilized world is gonna watch
Entertainment Tonight in a few hours...

and they're gonna see Larry body-slam
a woman half his size into a metal rack.

- What?
- Terrible.

This is a publicity bonanza.

- Gentlemen, I'm wetting myself.
- The woman wants an apology.

After seeing the tape,
I think she deserves one.

I'm gonna apologize,
and then we're done with the thing.

Just wait one second.

Let's not kill this cow
before we've milked it.

Isn't this
negative publicity, Norm?

There's no such thing.

Look. Flashback
two years ago, okay?

The Roseanne Barr show
is number 12 in the nation.

Then she does this little thing
called the national anthem.

The country is outraged.

Cut to two months later.
The show is number one.

So what are you saying?

That after the monologue,
I should scratch my balls and spit?

No, really,
look what's going on around you.

You got you, you got Leno,
Letterman, Arsenio...

Whoopi, doopty, poopy.

Now some chick in the supermarket,
she swings the spotlight onto you.

You want to let it go right by
and land on somebody else?

I mean, this is a terrific opportunity,
and I'm wetting myself again.

You may have a problem there...

that's just completely unrelated
to the world of publicity.

Oh, thank you.

What's up, Norm?

CNN is airing the tape.

Oh, great. So now everyone
in Iraq knows I'm an asshole.

You are gonna pull
a gigantic audience tonight.

And a bigger one tomorrow night.
Do you know what I'm doing?

Yeah, but don't worry.
The chairs are Scotchgarded.

My point is, do you want
to double your audience share...

or do you want to apologize
and just nip it all in the bud?

What do you think, Artie?

Well, personally, I lean toward nipping,
but on the other hand...

this is the sort of thing that might
have kept Dennis Miller on the air...

for another week or two.

Let it slide
for a couple days.

- We'll see what happens.
- You will not be sorry.

Hi, I'm Suzanne Vafiadis with
E! Entertainment Television.

Popular talk-show host Larry Sanders's
greatest challenge...

isn't coming from
Jay or Arsenio...

but from grocery shopper
Carol Biederman.

Today the controversy
heated up again...

when a videotape taken from
an in-store security camera...

revealed Sanders knocking
the petite Miss Biederman...

into a metal display stand.

Hello, everyone, and welcome
to Showbiz Today.

The Larry Sanders controversy
continues.

Upon closer examination,
the videotape first broadcast on CNN...

clearly shows Larry Sanders
shoving the former honor student...

Carol Biederman,
into the magazine rack.

Sanders has yet to apologize
for this insensitive act.

CNN talked to Tommy Oh...

a store employee at Quinn's Market
in Hollywood who witnessed the incident.

I was just, you know,
ringing up a customer, and boom.

I see this lady go flying.

I don't know much
about this Sanders guy...

but, you know, I don't think Arsenio
would do something like this.

At the University of Illinois
in Champaign-Urbana...

college students have created a new
dance they call "The Sanders Shuffle."

Insiders tell us that it involves
only a few simple steps...

but a whole lot
of pushing and shoving.

You okay?

- What's it like?
- What's what like?

What's it like being nobody?

I can see this is gonna be
a fun conversation.

What's it like
not being a celebrity?

I mean, you must do a lot
of shitty things in your personal life.

I bet you bumped into someone
in a supermarket.

Yeah, sure.

Well, the other day, this guy tried
to take my parking spot at Von's.

I yelled at him,
"Hey, you son of a bitch!"...

and I gave him the finger.

That's a beautiful story.

See, I can't do that.
I can't be an asshole.

That must be real hard
for you, Larry.

It is. It's very frustrating.

Remember when Johnny Carson
got arrested for drunk driving...

and it made the front page
of every newspaper?

You know how many people get arrested
for drunk driving every day?

They're not on the front page
of the newspaper.

OnlyJohnny Carson is.
You know why?

- He was drunk.
- No, but he's Johnny. That's the point.

You think she would have sold
those tapes to Entertainment Tonight...

if I wasn't Larry Sanders?

I'm moving to Montana.
That'll make everybody happy.

- I'm getting you an Excedrin.
- I don't want any more Excedrin.

I'll have...
Just get me none.

Because I'm so wired... I've had so many,
I can barely lie still.

Now, let's go over this once more.

So we get
the Chicken In A Minute...

papers and cups
and wrappers and things...

and we put them
in the trash in my office.

You know, not too obvious.

Maybe we leave one
on the desk...

and Mr. Ben Smalley will think
I eat there all the time.

You want me to go to Chicken In A Minute
and buy food to get the wrappers?

Not buy. Not buy.
Forget the food.

All we need are the wrappers.

Why don't I just go outside
and climb into the Dumpster?

No, no. Please, Darlene.

I would never ask you to do that.

I'm mean... Hey.

You've got your dignity, babe.

Remember that.

- How long has he been in there?
- It's almost three hours.

- Maybe he's taking a nap.
- Larry does not sleep during the day.

I can hear him
moving around in there.

He's been sighing and...

- He'll be all right.
- Look, Arthur.

He turned down an Excedrin.

I didn't know that.

Larry!
Buddy, open up!

Go away, Artie.

What are you doing in there, pal?

I'm vivisecting a choirboy.
Why don't you callJohn Tesh?

Hey, that's the spirit.

Listen, buddy, I'm looking forward
to this show tonight.

Fred Savage is on.
His voice is changing.

You'll get a lot
of fun out of that.

And we've got this great dog who drinks
coffee while he smokes a cigarette.

You gotta see this to believe it.

Hey, Larry?
There's somebody out here to see you.

Hey, everybody,
it's Tony Danza.

Yo, Angela, how ya doin'?
I got a new series to pitch for you.

It's me in an apartment
alone with a kitty. Bad-luck kitty.

The kitty keeps gettin' into trouble.
It's a bad-luck kitty, right?

- Bad-luck kitty put a spell on me
- Cram it, Jerry.

Now, right this way, and...

You remember Darlene,
my assistant.

Darlene, you remember Mr. Smalley.

- You can call me Ben.
- Thank you.

I had a parent named Ben.

Come on, Darlene.
Now, let's...

Let's show Ben...

that we can run a tidy ship here.

So let's put these
Chicken In A Minute wrappers...

from the food
that we enjoyed earlier...

in the trash,
right where it belongs.

Now, if we walk right over here...

we can drop in
and say hello to Larry.

Hey now, Larry.
It's your good buddy.

Fuck off, Hank.

Now, right over here...

Larry, open the door.
It's me.

If you don't open the door
in the next five seconds...

I'm gonna tell everyone out here
the nickname you have for your penis.

One...

Good going, Jeannie.

- You think I should apologize to her?
- Absolutely.

- She's the one exploiting me.
- Honey, you're bigger than that.

- Rise above it.
- I can no longer rise.

- We should move to Montana.
- That's bullshit.

We got a show to do.
What do you say?

Hey, listen, I've decided...

I'm going to apologize to that woman
and put an end to all of this right now.

I'm glad to hear that.

It's obvious that you injured her, and
apologizing is the right thing to do.

It's the human thing to do.
It's the only thing to do.

God bless you
for making the right choice.

- Thank you. I feel good about it.
- Good. But consider this.

- Don't do this.
- Larry, hear me out.

Why not have her on the show
and apologize to her?

I swear to Christ, this is brilliant.

The only way you're gonna get better
ratings is if you marry Hank on the air.

- God, you're a sick fuck.
- Thank you.

I don't want to apologize on the air.
Tell him, Artie.

Norman, I like your idea.
Get Miss Biederman on.

Apologize.
Schmooze the hell out of her.

The audience will love you for it.

Before we go off the air tonight,
in continuing the tradition...

of me not having
the smallest corner of my life...

that isn't open
to public scrutiny...

I would like to take these last few
minutes of this show to introduce...

fresh from taping A Current Affair
and Inside Edition...

we all know who this is, the woman
whom I bumped into in the supermarket.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a warm welcome...

to Miss Carol Biederman.

Carol, nice to see you.

- Have a seat.
- Very nice of you to come by.

And may I say, first off,
just off the bat...

you are twice as attractive
in person...

as you are
on that security camera.

It does not do you justice.

I just want to take
this opportunity...

to apologize...

and to say that...

I'm really very sorry
for what happened.

I didn't see you there.

I think you saw me, and I also think
that you know what you did.

Everybody saw it.

I don't think...

that's necessarily true
that everybody saw it.

I think that
a lot of people saw it...

but the main thing is we're here tonight
to sort of mend the fence.

- That's right.
- Sort of to, you know...

And, Carol, because...

As a sort of token of my apology...

I would like you to accept...

from me to you...

a beautiful, brand-new
refrigerator/freezer.

I'm so happy
to have you here, Carol...

and there's nothing more important
than one's human dignity...

and I hope you will accept this as
a token from The Larry Sanders Show.

I don't think I can accept that
until I talk to my attorney.

It might be construed
as a settlement for my damages.

Well, gee, I mean...

if you wanna get your attorneys
involved, I certainly can get my lawyer.

Easy, easy, big man.

I think what Larry's
trying to say... if I may say...

is that this is a gesture
of goodwill, as he says...

and maybe you can
help him ease his guilt...

by accepting a beautiful,
beautiful present from Antarctic.

It's a gorgeous freezer.
Gorgeous freezer.

- Right. It's an Antarctic 5000.
- That's what I thought.

And I believe it has
an automatic ice maker...

- and dual beverage dispensers.
- Is that right?

And patented, self-regulating
Frostbuster technology.

It's the future of your kitchen today,
and it's only from Antarctic.

- Boy.
- Thank you, Cindy.

- Cindy?
- Yes, that's Cindy.

That's Cindy Remington, a junior at USC
majoring in telecommunications...

and I believe she loves horses.

- Cindy Remington.
- That'll be fine.

It... It is a nice one.

Please accept it before
he describes the ribbon.

I will accept the refrigerator.
Thank you very much.

Thank you, Carol.
Just in the nick of time.

Artie is signaling we're out of time.
Thank you for watching.

Thank you, Carol,
and we'll see you all tomorrow night.

Good night. Sleep well.

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