Original subtitles

That sign says "applesauce."

No, I'm kidding. It says "applause."

Ray, do me a favor. Could you flick that once?

All right.

Now, remember, you're all a big part of the show...

so the better you are, the better Larry is.

You see this gentleman? He's giving me this sign.

It says, "We're on in ten seconds"...

so get ready to have a good time.

All right, here we go. This is exciting, isn't it?

In five, four, three, two...

Live on tape from Hollywood, The Larry Sanders Show.

Tonight join Larry and his guests Mimi Rogers...

the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Michael Richards...

and me... hey now... Hank Kingsley.

And now, because he's got the name that says "goodness"...

Larry Sanders!

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Well...

Thank you. I appreciate it. Really.

Really. That's... You're very desperate.

Thank you for being here.

May I say right off the bat...

Princess Di, it was announced in the paper today...

has, evidently, rumored, I guess, bulimia.

And this is true, I'm going to England.

Hank, maybe you can help me on this, 'cause I'm not up on the protocol.

I know you're not supposed to eat until they eat.

Now, how would it work in this case?

All I know is always use the small fork first.

Oh, boy.

"Keep the day job" is the old joke.

- You look attractive tonight. - Thank you.

Ross Perot has dropped out of the presidential race...

proving again that if you have a silent T in your last name...

you cannot become president.

Paul Tsongas...

The silent T does not work. Harry Truman, yes...

because his name isn't Harry Ruman.

We have a wonderful show. Don't judge it by the jokes.

We have Mimi Rogers, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Michael Richards.

Don't flip around. We'll be right back.

I will say that were I in the Academy I would have voted for you...

for an Academy Award for that last movie.

- Really? - Absolutely.

Thank you. That is so nice.

I'm not saying it just to be nice. I think you were terrific in that.

Thank you. I would have voted for you, too, if you'd been in a movie.

That's the prerequisite that's stopped me from winning an Academy Award.

There's some little, small print that says...

you have to be in a movie to get a nomination.

You know what I think? I think we should do a movie together.

Sounds good to me.

Among other things, I would love to see how you do a nude scene.

Well, l...

I do them...

I can tell you, funny and yet sexy.

Really? So we have nude, yet funny and sexy.

- Exactly. - That's interesting. What sign are you?

- Sagittarius - Sagittarius, okay.

I'm an Aquarius. I think that would work.

- Is that right? - Sure. You're a fire sign.

I'm an air sign. Air feeds the fire, fans the fire, strokes the fire.

Easy. So...

The more air that goes into...

The harder one blows the air into the fire, the more...

- Flame, yeah. - Heat, and...

Explosions can result.

And before you know it, there's no way to put it out.

That's right!

And my rising sign is kindling, but, please...

let's get back to the nude scene.

I'm a Capricorn.

Butt out.

Of course, Hank could be in the nude scene if you wanted him to be.

Well, actually, three is kind of a crowd.

- So, um... - Yes.

I should tell you, I'm married.

I can tell you that that has never stopped him before.

Now, let me make this clear...

if I may, not only to Hank, but to everybody watching...

I take my wedding vows seriously...

and love my wife and am totally committed to that relationship.

Now, by nude, do you mean neither of us would be wearing clothes?

- That's correct. - I see.

Because I've been tricked before and ended up being the only one.

Usually it results in a call to the police and all hell breaks out.

This is, clearly...

We are out of time? Is that the signal? This is... I can't believe...

I'm never gonna get to tell my Academy Award story.

I'm sorry. You did not get to finish that. Why don't you come back?

- Really? - Want to come back tomorrow?

Come back tomorrow.

That's the first time you've invited anyone back for two nights in a row.

- And that includes Hank. - I'd love to.

That is great. I can't believe where the time went.

I'd like to apologize to Michael Richards of the Seinfeld show...

- for running out of time. - What an asshole.

Why is he inviting her back? I'm the one who got bumped.

Sleep well.

- You definitely are a delight. - Thank you.

- Phil Abbot's your brother, isn't he? - Paul.

- Tell him I enjoy his work. - That'll mean a lot to him. Thanks you.

- See you tomorrow. - See all of you tomorrow.

And you are?

That was great. How do you come down from a show like that?

Jazzercise.

I am not so sure I should've invited her back.

It'll be fine. Special chemistry between you two.

I'm on in five minutes, I mean... Hey, Larry. It was a good show.

- Thanks. - I'm still gonna get paid, right?

- Absolutely. I'm sorry we ran long. - It's okay. It's all right.

- Gee. - So we'll do it another time.

- Absolutely. - It was a wonderful show.

It could have only been improved by Mr. Michael Richards.

- We'll be calling your agent. - My agent's on the phone.

- Do you want to talk to him? - Tell him hello for me.

- I love that move. - One of my favorites.

- Who's booked tomorrow? - First, a civilian...

then the Pixies, the great Billy Connelly...

and I guess, Mimi Rogers.

You're saying that like I did something wrong.

Where?

- You know Christine. - Sure. Hi. From, uh...

The Price Is Right.

- The New Price Is Right. - Of course.

We're going over to the Smokehouse.

Oh, the New Smokehouse?

We're gonna have a drinkski. Do you want to join us?

No, but glad to hear the Russian lessons are working out for you.

Try the veal. I don't care that they live in cages.

It's out of this world.

You know, if Hank does well he gets a year's supply ofTurtle Wax.

I really think that we should do a movie together.

- Well, I would certainly... - Because l...

I would really love to see how you handle a nude scene.

You know, honey, this is supposed to be...

I'm both, in a nude scene, funny and yet sexy.

Really?

- Michael Richards was supposed to... - Honey. Honey.

I should tell you, I'm married.

It's not that that's ever stopped him before.

- Let's see who Leno's... - No, no, honey.

I want to see if see straddles you.

You have a great sense of humor. Have I mentioned that to you?

So, do you fuck her on the desk or on the couch?

I'm guessing the desk because Hank is on the couch...

and I know you're not into that.

Why don't you come back tomorrow?

Really?

Two nights in a row?

Well, you know, I made a mistake. I'm sorry.

I will bump her. She's as good as gone.

- I don't want you to bump her. - No, I wanna bump her.

It's a bad precedent to set. The next thing you know...

it'll be George Segal month.

Honey, do you trust me?

I trust you. I don't think I trust him.

Good night. Sleep well. I know I won't.

- I've got the Batman sketch. - Good. All right.

Batman gets old. He's got the Bat-walker.

- He's got the utility truss. - Is Robin old?

Excuse me, okay? I'm gonna finish it.

His mind is totally gone.

He steps out of the Batmobile, okay?

And?

And, and he...

We've got nothing.

Gentlemen. Milady.

Mimi Rogers indeed will be joining us this evening...

and that means the Batman sketch is out.

We had it all worked out. It was brilliant.

- Why don't you bump Billy Connelly? - We had gold, Arthur.

I'm sorry we have to reschedule, but I'd love to hear what you got.

Fine. Type it up.

That's great. Hang on one sec. Arthur, guess what?

Larry, the Bangles want to reunite and they want to do it on your show.

- I don't know. - It's such a shame.

- The heavy one has such a pretty face. - Arthur, that's Wilson Phillips.

- Or the Temptations. Can I talk to you? - We gotta find somebody.

Where the hell's Meat Loaf? Get him. Meat's a good boy.

Excellent. I have something to talk to you about.

I guess it was more important than I thought.

Actually, kindling is my rising sign.

So we could build quite a fire there.

- Right there. - What?

- I'm flirting. - What flirting?

Look at the way I'm grinning there.

Now, let me make this clear if I may.

What the hell are you talking about? What flirting?

- Where? - Not there.

There. Right there. I'm flirting.

- What? - Look at the way I'm grinning.

You know that's not how I grin when I'm doing just any interview.

- I'll freeze-frame it. - For Christ's sake.

This is like watching the Rodney King tape. Don't make me watch this anymore.

For God's sakes, look. She's doing the hand on hand. See?

She knew I was flirting and she jumped right in there.

I have seen the hand on the hand done many times.

I, myself, have done it with Gregory Peck. Trust me, I felt nothing.

All I'm saying is I've played this course before.

I know right where it goes. Hand on hand, flirting backstage...

and then I'm fuckin' 'em in Hank's Malibu pad.

You don't want to do that. He's had septic problems with that place.

I see a pattern. What's to stop it from happening again?

- Excuse me. - No problem.

I have a show to produce. Must see if Hank is back.

- Then we'll look at the tape again? - Oh, sure thing.

Here's a letter from the Tree People. Are you doing their benefit?

Tell them I have Dutch elm disease.

It's very serious.

- It's me. - Find out who's doing this first...

- Okay. - Before I say yes.

All right. Here are the Billy Connelly questions...

- the Bert Crawley questions... - Who's Bert Crawley?

A guy from Minneapolis who carves soap.

And we got him? That's great. What a coup.

Leno will be jealous. I think he's just got that has-been Julia Roberts on.

Oh, boy. You have to remind Mimi Rogers to finish her Academy Awards story.

There's some other questions on there.

I am not gonna ask her about when she lost her virginity...

because then I'll have to tell mine, and it always embarrasses my sister.

Okay, no virgin.

Always embarrasses my sister, I say. Never mind.

- I get it. - Tell her "don't flirt," please.

- Don't flirt. - Don't say "don't flirt."

You know what to tell her. Don't tell her it came from me, okay?

- Okay. - Leave that... Okay.

Close it. Leave it open. Thank you.

You know how many bars of soap it takes to make a Virgin Mary?

- Is this a riddle? - No, I figured it out the other day.

Excuse me. Larry just made me go into Mimi's room and tell her "don't flirt."

- No way. - Yes, he did.

- Tell me what she said later. - Yes, I will.

Mr. Crawley, you're going out and talk to Larry for a little bit.

Then we're going to bring out your soap sculptures.

I don't do just the soap. I also tell jokes.

It seems these two colored fellas were sittin' on the porch...

I don't think there's going to be enough time tonight.

- But this is a very funny joke! - I'm sure it's great.

- It'll make their hair giggle! - I'm sure it will.

It doesn't have to be colored. We can make them Polack.

- Oh, it's you. - Hey, Hank.

- You just get here? - Yeah, busy day. Up to my shorts.

I was doing a commercial spot for Stanley Light Duty Hammers.

How'd it go?

- What do you mean? - I mean, was it, uh...

It was fine. It was just a job.

- Got a check. - Great. Can't wait to see it.

If you ever need any Stanley products, please, let me know.

Thanks.

Except nails. They said absolutely no nails.

Damn it.

Could I talk to you for a minute?

I was just going to get my makeup on...

although I wear far less than any other talk-show host.

Oprah's actually a small, whiteJewish man.

But don't tell anybody.

It'll just take a second.

All right.

This is kind of embarrassing, but did I do something wrong?

No, why?

Beverly was just in here.

- Is that right? - Yeah, and she told me Arthur said...

that we weren't going to do some of the questions...

and that I should be careful not to flirt too much.

No. Boy, he did not mention anything about that to me.

I just felt like maybe I did something wrong last night.

Are you kidding? You were great last night. Really.

Absolutely. You know, that...

That's a great area, that artificial flirting thing.

The audience loves that.

Did it seem artificial?

Well, you know, not artificial...

but, you know, not real.

Oh, I was serious.

- What's so funny? - It's just that, uh...

Oh, man!

I really thought...

You're such a good actress that I thought you were serious for a second.

Look, Larry, l...

I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I really do find you attractive.

I'm just being honest.

You know...

I find you attractive also...

and I'm not just saying that 'cause you said it to me.

- Are you okay? - I have a rotator cuff problem.

I threw it out during the monologue.

I have the number of a great chiropractor in Santa Monica.

- Why don't I hook you up with him? - That would be nice.

But I really have to go. I have to do my makeup.

I wear far less than any other talk-show host.

- I already told you that. - Listen, I don't...

I don't actually have his actual number.

- But I will give you this. - So this is...

This is my number. You can call me to get his number.

That is really nice.

- Thank you. - And have a great show.

Well...

You look so much thinner in person.

I'm Bert Crawley, soap carver from Minneapolis.

- Excuse me, gentlemen. - Oh, hello, Mrs. Sanders.

- That is not Mrs... - Why don't we go out to the set?

I also tell jokes.

There's these twoJews sitting on the porch.

- One of them says to the other... - Sorry, Larry.

I'll see you out there!

I'll see you out there.

See you out there.

She was standing right on top of me. I could count the little hairs...

on that groove under her nose.

- What do you call that? - This thing?

What is that?

- It's a cleft. - No, the cleft is your chin.

That's your philtrum. I know, 'cause it's very hard to cover up.

- Philtrum sounds right. That's it. - So you...

- I could count the hairs on the... - you want the keys to my...

- philtrum there. - Place in Malibu?

No, I don't want the keys.

- You sure? - No, I'm not sure, but I'm married.

- Where is he? - I think he's in Mimi Rogers' room.

I'm gonna catch up with him at home.

What's Mimi Rogers promoting?

I don't know.

- Television show or a movie? - I don't know.

So she's not really working on anything at all?

I don't know.

Hank, I'm not gonna fuck it up this time.

I'm really impressed. This is a new Larry.

Usually you take the keys by the third try.

- Sorry. - No! Don't be sorry.

I mean, I'm really impressed.

If I feel you're getting into...

any dangerous flirting territory with Mimi...

I'll make a signal like this.

I'm not gonna be able to see that. Like what?

That? I'm not gonna see that. You do that all day long anyway.

- Would you stop it? - This is for me.

Oh, for God's sakes, Artie.

Hey.

How about this?

I have to tell you, though, I had a really great time last night.

As... That is terrific, may I say. As did I.

- My parents saw the show. - Terrific.

- Terrific. Did they like it? - They liked you.

As a matter of fact, my mother thought you were very cute.

Well, moms do like me.

And your dad? How did he feel about me?

You are completely adorable when you can't take a compliment.

And, Bert...

may I say, you're adorable...

when you can't take a compliment.

Not that I'd given you one, but it's a feeling I have.

- Thank you, anyhow. - My pleasure.

Bert, didn't you have a joke you wanted to tell?

How's your shoulder doing? Did you call my chiropractor?

My shoulder has been feeling much better.

Thank you for asking, if I may say.

Let's watch Nightline.

How about a song?

A song! Bert, do you know any songs?

- "Camptown Races." - I know that song.

- Sounds good. - "Camptown Races" sounds good to me.

One, two...

Camptown ladies sing this song

Doo dah, doo dah

Camptown racetrack five miles long

All the doo dah day

Gonna run all night

Gonna run all day

I bet my money on a bobtail nag

Somebody bet on the bay

- You got out of it this time. - I did?

Yeah. She's singing "Camptown Races" with a guy who carves soap.

She's just being a good guest.

- Are you sticking up for her? - No, I'm not.

- Are you? - No. I'm not sticking up for her.

We're having an argument about Mimi Rogers.

- Isn't that ridiculous? - Yes.

That's exactly my point.

I'm sorry. I'm not gonna flirt anymore on television...

anywhere else and television and anywhere.

- I love you very much. - Thank you.

- We'll take it one day at a time. - Thank you all.

I hope you enjoyed tonight's show.

I'll see you tomorrow night. My guests will be...

Boyz II Men, Danny DeVito...

and, oh, Michelle Pfeiffer.

Michelle Pfeiffer?

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