All language subtitles for The Comedy Get Down s01e10 LA Story 2.eng

Previously on "The Comedt Down."

The show tonight is
going to be at the Forum,

which is my home.

So you guys got me some good
seats for tonight?

Kareem, you got the best seats.

The best.

Kareem walk out with just...
without paying the bill?

He invited our asses out to dinner

and then bounced on the check.

I took care of our
little Kareem problem.

He did put him in a very special seat.

DL: Oh!

I guess there was a mix-up.

Apparently Kareem had already
bought the dinner tonight

on his house account.

- Okay, okay, all right.
- DL: Kareem, baby!

GEORGE: Charlie did it! Charlie did it!

[THEME SONG]

?

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod -
www.addic7ed.com

The Comedy Get Down
1x10 "LA Story Part 2 " Dec 21, 2017

GEORGE: What are we gonna do?

We stuck Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in
the rafter seats for nothing.

In his house, home of the
showtime legacy, mm-mm-mm!

White Terry, come on in here, man.

What's up?

Go find Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

and bring him to the VIP section.

Okay.

And remind him that he's invited

to the big after-party tonight.
Of course.

And tell him it's your
fault he got bad seats.

My fault? But I didn't do anything.

- Of course you did.
- It's not my fault.

It's called taking one
for the team, White Terry.

It's what a family does for each other.

- Family?
- Family.

You guys... consider me
part of the family?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

I mean, more like a overgrown
foster kid with a lisp,

but yeah, family nonetheless, yes.

I'm gonna take one for the team.

A full-time family team member.

I don't hug.

- Okay, okay, White Terry.
- DL...

I'm a Jehovah's Witness

I think you know how
to let yourself out.

Okay.

[DOOR SHUTS]

- It should be all right.
- Hopefully that'll work.

Does that mean I don't have
to get you a birthday gift?

AUDIENCE: [CHEERING]

I'm talking about you
white people because I can.

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

Y'all know those [BLEEP] guys.

You do shit that no other
culture on earth would do.

Y'all seen the animal channel,

going to the mountains in a desert,

and try to catch a scorpion.

Tss!

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

[BLEEP] don't [BLEEP]

with nothing that got more legs than us.

[BLEEP] like floor on fire.

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

I don't know. It had too many legs.

Y'all seen this shit on YouTube
about four or five months ago?

White family went to Africa on safari,

and they got chewed
up by a pack of lions.

I was laughing my
mother [BLEEP] ass off.

It's not that I'm not compassionate

about you Caucasians.

It's just that the shit is stupid to me.

[BLEEP] have been in Africa

since before it was called Africa.

Not one chewed up by a pack of lions.

Here come that crazy white man.

Look, Daddy. He's a beaut.

Come on, let's go closer.

The African guy like, I don't
think you want to go any closer.

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

You know that crazy white
man think he know everything.

I read a book!

They won't bite you when
they're already feeding.

They're already feeding.

Here, Umbuntu, take my camera.
I want a picture of it.

Okay.

Over here.

[CHOMPING SOUNDS]

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

I get a free camera
like this every week!

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

Leave shit alone, white people.

Y'all trying to [BLEEP]
with Mother Nature.

You're gettin' your ass whooped.

You're not going to beat a planet.

Every year, tornados [BLEEP]
up y'all trailer parks.

Are we sensing a pattern here?

That's God's way of saying
get this shit off my property!

This ain't no real house.

Stop putting the fake grass
in front of this shit.

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

And how does your mobile home
get [BLEEP] up by a tornado?

The first word in this
is phrase is mobile.

If you see the tornado,

drive your house away
from the mother [BLEEP].

AUDIENCE: [APPLAUSE]

You ain't never heard of a
tornado [BLEEP] up the projects.

That's God's way of saying
leave them [BLEEP] alone.

They got enough problems.

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

I don't [BLEEP] the white women.

When you see with me a white woman,

it's 'cause it was in a movie,

'cause every [BLEEP] that done
[BLEEP] with a white women

that's famous, they got problems.

OJ still ain't outta jail.

Kobe's still trying to live
down the incident in Colorado.

Tiger Woods is [BLEEP] up.

And at 15-18, white people,
he can't play golf no more.

You the best golf player in history.

White [BLEEP], I don't know!

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

?

AUDIENCE: [CHEERING]

Nobody's seen White Terry?
He didn't find Kareem?

No, man. No word yet.

Nina, can you find out what's going on?

Yeah.

Nina for White Terry?

- WHITE TERRY: White Terry.
- Have you talked to Kareem?

WHITE TERRY: Negative.
He is not in his seat.

I've been looking everywhere
for him, but no luck.

Hey listen, man. What we all wanna know

is how come you can't find
a 7-foot angry giraffe

who just so happens to be
wearing a white suit.

WHITE TERRY: Uh, Nina, there's
someone else on our channel.

Identify yourself, sir.

Charlie mother [BLEEP] Murphy.

WHITE TERRY: Go for White Terry.

Hey, White Terry, listen.

You get Kareem and you bring him
down to the dressing room ASAP.

If you don't do that,
I'm gonna find you,

and I'm gonna beat the white off you.

Your name is gonna be Just Terry.

Get it? Just Terry.

WHITE TERRY: Copy that.

AUDIENCE: [APPLAUSE]

Lamar Odom was in a coma.
Black people prayed it away.

Prayer changes things.
Maybe that's true to you.

But nothing'll wake your ass up
from a coma faster

than your ex-woman is making
your medical decisions.

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

That mother [BLEEP] Khloe's in charge.

He hopped right up. I'm all right!

I just needed a nap and some Pedialyte.

You ain't gonna get my money **, shit.

I'm up!

My wife would never unplug me.

She'd leave me plugged in
just to [BLEEP] with me.

Who are your bitches now?

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

Gay people can get married
in all 50 states, man.

I'm glad for them.

If straight people had to fight
that hard to get married,

we'd had to live with that shit.

I want to get married, but
[BLEEP] is illegal, so...

I got three strikes.
I can't do no shit like that.

I'm on probation.

And black people don't like gay
people, which is dumb to me,

'cause if it weren't for gay people,

we wouldn't have a choir
director, so, uh...

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER AND MOANS]

Oh, that ain't [BLEEP] true?
We'll see tomorrow!

You ever been to a church with
a straight choir director?

That's the most boring church ever.

Like, hey, man, where the
sister with the tambourine, huh?

I've gotta praise Jesus.

Our first gay player drafted
in the NFL, Michael Sam.

I'm proud of America for
evolving past the point

they look at somebody's sexuality.

A lot of gay activists were upset.

Michael Sam won the seventh
round 'cause he was gay.

Michael Sam win the seventh round

'cause he ran a 4 in 9, now.

In America, you can be gay,

but you can't be slow and gay, [BLEEP].

You got to come out the gate
just as fast

as you came out the closet, now.

You can [BLEEP] your man on Saturday

as long as you can catch
that man on Sunday.

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

I think it's hilarious that
the first gay dude was drafted

by the Rams.
That cracks me the [BLEEP] up.

If it would've been the
Packers or the Browns...

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

Caitlyn Jenner was the
Woman of the Year last year,

which is amazing to me,

'cause she didn't become a woman
'til April,

and the year wasn't over yet.

You can be the woman before taxes.

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

Isn't Caitilyn beautiful?
You mother [BLEEP], not to me.

To me she, she look like Mrs. Doubtfire.

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

You can say you're a
woman and used to be a man,

and I'll call you what you tell me to.

But the doctor gonna call you

and tell you
you need a prostate examination.

You can wear a sundress when you go,

but you're still getting
a finger in your ass,

so happy anniversary, I guess.

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

We live in a country
where you can self-identify.

You can you say you
something, and there you that.

So from now on, I'm a white man
trapped in this [BLEEP] body.

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

Now my name is Chad.

I don't think the police
gonna respect my... woo!

Wait a minute, officer,
you don't understand.

I'm a white man trapped
in this [BLEEP] body.

Well, both you mother
[BLEEP] get out the car.

But the [BLEEP] first.

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

Man, y'all think Kareem
gonna ever forgive us for this?

I don't know.
What we did was pretty bad.

No, he ain't gonna forgive us, man.

What we did was like going
in somebody's living room,

and taking a shit on the rug.

Wait a minute. Who's the rug, then?

Kareem is the rug.

Wouldn't Kareem be more
like the hardwood floor?

- Yeah, like a basketball court.
- Exactly.

GEORGE: Wait a minute.

Wouldn't the bad seat be the rug?

No, the bad seat would be the shit.

Bad seat would be
shit that's on the rug.

I think Kareem is the couch
that's on top of the rug.

It was no couch, George.

You can't add that to a word problem.

No, 'cause it was... it was...

It's a word problem...
once it's a word problem...

'cause if you say...
like, we had the hardwood floor.

- I agree that we put that in.
- Yeah.

Now, I say basketball court.
You say a hardwood floor.

But it's the same thing.
Those are synonymous.

So that equals those two things.

It's actually the square root of the pi.

'Cause you said the pi, and
I didn't know exactly...

Enough with the metaphors, all right?

We disrespected the man.
That's all that matters.

But when the shit
comes out of the sky...

- You're on.
- Look, tell DL to stretch.

I'm trying to figure this out right now.

Okay, so it's a rug, a
chair, and Chinese man.

Well speaking of rugws, is it this rug
right here? 'Cause I just got these.

AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I mean, you know, I'm trying
to do a little something better.

I've been trying to, you
know, get a little bit shape.

I had to try and lose some weight, man.

[BLEEP] damn.

I walked down the street.
I'll tell y'all a story.

I'm walking down the street

and I see this white lady
gonna come up to me,

like, oh my god,
I can't believe it's you.

She got a little daughter with her.

She was like, can we
take a picture with you?

I'm like, of course, you know?

I take the picture with them and shit.

I'm about to leave. I walk out.

She like, thank you, CeeLo!

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

CeeLo?

? [BLEEP] you ?

? And little girl, [BLEEP] you too ?

I don't [BLEEP] like CeeLo, shit.

I walk right into a SoulCycle class.

[BLEEP]!

Soul suit on, [BLEEP].

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

Shit, I gotta do something, man.

Everybody's losing weight, man.

? man.

I had to lose weight.

I'm, like, the last fat
[BLEEP] in Hollywood.

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

Anthony Anderson lost weight.
You see Anthony looking good.

Mother [BLEEP] Rick Ross
shed a lot of weight.

The boss. He used to be like, huh!

Now he lost all that
weight, he saying, heh?

[BLEEP] Al Roker, Al Sharpton.

Al Sharpton lost too
much [BLEEP] damn weight,

don't you think?

He [BLEEP] lost neck weight.

You can't have no little-ass neck

and have a perm, Al.

You can't have [BLEEP] on TV
looking like a damn bobblehead.

It doesn't [BLEEP] look good.

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

You know what, Al? You can't do it.

I'm trying to get it together, man.

See, now I'm listening
to all this music.

You came out there.

The old school, got their pop on.

But now these songs,
they ain't [BLEEP] around.

They say what they wanna say now.

? Is it just me Is it just me ?

? With the [BLEEP] so good ?

? I shouldn't have to [BLEEP] for free ?

I'm like, oh, jeez, is that
on the radio right now?

Jesus! What the hell?

You kids ain't messing around, man.

We used to have songs that
had sexual stuff in them,

but it was, like, an innuendo.

Like, you still had
to figure it out and shit.

Y'all heard "Down in the DM"?

Ain't got time for
that bullshit no more, man.

? It goes down in the DM, hey ?

? Snapchat me that [BLEEP] ?

Whoa!

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

I'm like, damn, did he
just say "Snapchat me the... "?

And I didn't even know what it was.

When I first heard it, I
had never heard of Snapchat.

I thought Yo Gotti was saying,
"Snatch me that [BLEEP]."

I was like, woo, Yo Gotti,
that's pretty impressive.

You know, with all this Bill
Cosby shit going on right now,

I'm not sure

you wanna be snatching at
nobody's [BLEEP] like that.

They're like, no, it's Snapchat.
It's a app.

I don't know if y'all know this,
but on Snapchat,

you can take a picture
of your [BLEEP], okay, ladies?

You can take a picture of your [BLEEP]

and you can put it
on the internet, all right?

And it'll melt away like a
snowflake in about three days.

So if ever you're bored,
Snapchat's [BLEEP] out there.

It no big deal to us.
Snapchat's [BLEEP].

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

And the girls getting in on it too.

They ain't messin' around.

The girls' raps just as aggressive.

I'm riding around in the car

with my little 12-year old daughter.

We in the car. This song on.

She's singing her little heart out.

I hear this lyric and
it just throw me off.

This girl all on the record.

? And you gotta eat the
booty like groceries ?

I'm like, oh!

Okay, where is Yolanda
Adams when you need her?

"You gotta eat the
booty like groceries?"

Come on.

And don't get me wrong, y'all.

I'm over 40, so I'm
willing to participate.

That ain't what I'm talking about.

That ain't what I'm saying.
I'm talking about

I need to know how much
groceries we talking about.

This is more where my
concern is, you know?

We talking 10 items or less, you know?

AUDIENCE: [LAUGHTER]

Or is it Costco's?
Is it gonna be a Costco's day?

- Great show, man.
- I had a lot of fun, man.

The after-party gonna be lit!

We got the legs too.
You know, it's a little tough...

No, no. It's good.

Hey, you guys, I just heard from Kareem.

- Is he pissed?
- I'd say he's more hurt.

- Hurt tall guy?
- Yeah.

Um, he's out back in the limo if
you wanna go make things right.

You know, I mean, you know what?

We'll go talk to him, get
him to come to the after-party.

Maybe he'll love that.
The afterparty tonight.

Kareem is chill. He's a chill dude.

He'll understand this.
I'm sure he'll understand.

Yeah, what if he doesn't?

- CEDRIC: Yeah.
- We blame White Terry.

Ah. Ah ha!

There you go!
We hired him for that, right?

Blame White Terry!

That sounds fine to me.
As long as it's not me.

CEDRIC: Why even have a white guy around

that you can't blame shit on?

Where is he? I thought he was
right out here, man.

I think he's supposed to be out there.

- Is that him?
- GEORGE: I think so.

Whoa, whoa, wait, hey. Be careful, man.

Don't just walk up on anybody.

[KNOCKS ON WINDOW]

[WINDOW WHIRRING]

Kareem!

Hey, man, we've been
looking everywhere for you.

Should've checked the nosebleeds.

That was a huge mistake.

See, we thought you stuck
us with the dinner bill,

and we just wanted a little payback.

- We was just playing, bro.
- We apologize.

Look, it's fine. I can take a joke.

It's all good.

I figured it would be, man.
If this is all good, man,

why don't you come on
back in with us, man?

Party's going on. It's great.

Wolfgang threw down.
Food's delicious, good music.

Come on back in and
celebrate with us, brother.

It's gonna be the
best party of the tour.

Actually, the party
just ended... for you.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna drive down
the street named after me.

Good bye, mother [BLEEP].

Angry Giraffe Street.

DL: The party's over for us.

EDDIE: That was some
cryptic shit right there.

[BLEEP] that.

That's what I'm saying.

Sorry, guys. I can't let you in.

No, we're the performers.

Comedy Get Down?
That's our stuff right there.

Uh, Eddie Griffin, Cedric
the Entertainer, DL Hughley,

Charlie Murphy, George Lopez.

Oh I know who you are.

We've been instructed not to
let you back in the building.

I suppose this has something
to do with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

It's his house.
I'm just following orders.

Ain't this a bitch?

- Lock it up!
- Shit!

Hey, LeBron, let me
talk to you for a minute.

My man! My momma's in there!

Are you serious right now?
Call Nina, man.

I didn't bring my phone with me.

Yeah, my phone is in the car.

GEORGE: Aw, man, I don't have any bars.

Talk about bad luck.

Aw, man.

Man.

- You guys hungry?
- I could eat.

What up, babe? How are you doing?

George, you're paying, right?

- Why do I gotta pay?
- You gotta pay, George.

You know the rules.

You do the voices.
You're the richest guy here.

All right. [SPEAKS SPANISH]

Ah, they got the ice Kareem.
That's punny.

Y'all, I'll take a beer
and get this, then.

You wanna do beer? Let's break out, man.

- All right, thank you.
- Thank you.

Yeah, that's good right there.

Hey, guys, for real?
It's been a great tour.

To good friendship, good times.

- To The Comedy...
-Get Down!

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah.

Anybody got a bottle opener?
Hey, we need a bottle opener!

How do you say "opener" in Spanish?

GEORGE: Abrebotellas!

EDDIE: [UNINTELLIGIBLE]

CEDRIC: Aw, shit.
This has been a bad night.

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0