All language subtitles for Sexology.2016.eng

Hey, Catherine.
How was your trip?

Did you find your orgasm?

Oh, my God!

Gabrielle, pack your bags.

You have to experience this.

Catherine has...
We've been through so much,

and for so many years,
I get these phone calls

and we're on different sides
of the planet,

and she's like, "Oh, my God!
You have got...

You have got to do this.

It is a miracle.
It's a miracle."

I'm so sorry that it took me
so long to figure it out,

that it's us.

I have spent so many years
being so miserable

being made love to.

No matter how much
I love my partner,

no matter how beautiful
of a man he is,

no matter how...

how willing I am to go there,

I don't know how to get there.

I came home after having
met a woman

who had full-bodied orgasms

and an incredibly awakened
sex life,

and I had a deep sense,
suddenly,

that I was capable of this,

in fact, that all women
are capable of this.

And I said to him, "If I don't
get to experience

my full sexual potential,
what I'm hardwired

to be able to feel
as a woman,

this deep pleasure...
before I die,

I don't think I want to live."

It didn't matter
how successful I was

in every area of my life,
as a mother, a wife,

in my career.

As long as I was
sexually unsatisfied,

I felt like a failure.

I would say the moment
that it shifted

was this experience that I had
with my husband

that for an entire week
I was orgasmic.

-And...
-Whoa.

...everything orgasmed.

My tongue on the roof
of my mouth.

His nose to my nose.

His finger stimulating
my fingertips.

Like for hours and hours
and hours.

So much so that I thought I was
going to explode and die.

It was insane.

I'm like,
"Oh, my God, Gabrielle!

You're not going to believe
what is possible!"

There is no physical pleasure,

because I can't get out of
the way of my thoughts.

And we're going to learn
to transcend that?

Yes, because I've been
headlocked most of my life.

I have actually been able
to experience

what it feels like to be able
to release the head

and move into the body.

I'm not sure
I can do this.

I think I'm a lost cause.

Would you just
trust me?

If it can work for me,
it can work for anybody.

[Catherine] I'm going to
introduce you to every expert

in the field of sexuality
until you find your orgasm.

Because we live in such
a sexually repressed culture,

any investigation or talking
about that makes you a pervert,

because we're terrified
of sexual desire.

All religions shame sexuality.

It's like, watch out, it's bad,
it's naughty, et cetera.

Other than procreation.

Because that happens to help
build our numbers

in our religion.

Sex is what animals do,
and we are animals.

And making love
is a different business.

When I talk to women about
sex drive, for example,

or libido, that happens to be

the biggest sexual complaint
in America.

This is baffling to me.

How can we be still sexually
illiterate in the 21st century?

Learning sex is just like
learning to play an instrument.

We all have natural
musical ability.

Everyone has a sense of rhythm,

but whether you learn to play
the piano or not is up to you.

I think that women don't know

that they're entitled
to have great sex.

And I don't think they know that
their bodies are capable of it.

I was not having cataclysmic
sexual experiences.

But I knew that there was more.

I didn't know there was more.

I actually thought women
were lying

when they said there was more.

When they said they had
full-body orgasms

or sex was fabulous.

The question we need
to ask ourselves,

we need to ask everyone,

is, "Are you ready to play
a larger game?"

As a man,
I have no idea about women.

Still?

I'm still learning.
I'm still learning.

You never learn completely
about women.

Why?

Why? Because they are
opposite to us.

Completely opposite to us.

Do you think that men and women
separate their mind and body

the same way,
or do you think that women

are more inclined to do that,
to sort of disconnect

between the head
and what lies beneath?

Can a woman have a satisfying
sexual experience

if she's disconnected
from her body?

Absolutely not, impossible.

Can a man
have a sexual experience,

maybe not hugely satisfying,

if he's not really in his body,
absolutely.

Men reach orgasm fairly easily,
most men do, anyway.

The women, you have to know
how to do it,

and, of course,
women themselves know how--

Well...?

Yes, some don't, that's true.

In fact, there are places
in the world

where you ask the women
how often do you have orgasm,

and they don't even know
what you mean.

A lot of people in our culture
feel like they're broken

or something's wrong with them
because they're not having

the mind-blowing orgasm.

And it's not that you're broken.

It's that you have a lack
of sex education.

The question is,
how do I have an orgasm?

Is it a kind of pathetic,
spasmodic...

-Sneeze
-...seven-second...

...sneeze, thank you...

or is it this full experience,

where the heart is fucked open
to God,

where the entire body shudders
with quivering tenderness,

opening up the heavens
and the earth

in this ecstatic merger

which reveals the ultimate
essence of all that is?

-Yes! I say yes!
-Thank you, thank God!

That's the orgasm
I want to have.

When women are looking
for a man,

subconsciously they're looking
for this real man

who can give me an orgasm.

Do all men think they're
great fucks?

It's cultural
conditioning, yeah.

So, yes.

But you know what, so do women.

Normal penetration lasts between
two and seven minutes.

-What? That's it?
-Yeah, that's it.

And it takes between 20
and 45 minutes

for a woman to become
fully aroused.

That doesn't work very well
hand in hand, does it now?

Yes, exactly.

The ability to stay aroused

in a relationship
which is sustained is huge.

So let's offer two things
which I think are just

so critical, and without it,
we can't move.

The first is that each partner
has to take responsibility

for their own arousal.

What we usually do is the man
says to the woman,

"Turn me on."

The woman says to the man,
"Arouse me."

Now, that should
absolutely happen --

the man should
ravish his woman,

the woman should be
a radiant goddess for her man --

but that's only half
the story.

The other half of the story is,
I need to take responsibility

for my arousal,
and the way I do that

in a monogamous relationship

is that I eroticize
all of my partner.

When women don't take
responsibility

for their sexuality,
they split off from it.

They either wait for someone
to come rescue them,

or they project the perceived
negative aspects

onto somebody else.

I just have been

blaming my lovers
for my dissatisfaction

and have been completely
shut down in my body.

There's a whole network
of erectile tissue

in a woman's body,
in her vaginal area.

It looks like a penis
turned inside out, really.

Like split in half
and turned inside out.

We have as much erectile tissue
internally

as a man has externally.

Pound for pound,
inch for inch,

women have a penis's worth
of erectile tissue.

It just takes us 20 to 45
minutes to get a hard-on.

The vagina
is from the same tissue

that makes the shaft
of the penis.

The clitoris is from the same
tissue at the head of the penis.

Your clitoris has 6,000
to 8,000 nerve endings,

and it's an extraordinary tool

that's just there
for your pleasure.

I've experienced
two very different type

of orgasm/climaxes,

that I didn't know existed.

One was this

type of climax that I literally
had to force to happen.

It's like it was very
will-induced.

And there was a lot of pressure
around it and stress.

I have to say, like physical,
muscular tension

and withholding of breath
and clenching.

Then there was this other orgasm
that was very elusive,

that just happened to me.

And I didn't have
to do anything.

And I think there's a confusion.

We've had so many discussions
with girlfriends

and they don't know
the difference.

The clitoris is where you have
the light bulb orgasms.

Clitoral orgasms
are very exciting.

Cervical orgasms,
vaginal orgasms,

are voluptuous.

The orgasms that happen for me

45 minutes
into a love-making session

are completely different
than the ones that happen

20 minutes
into a love-making session.

So there is
this cumulative effect.

The longer we're bringing
that arousal,

the more juices are flowing,
literally,

the more blood --

It's just like everything's
enriched, engorged.

The body is working
at its optimum capacity.

I definitely feel like I've had
a varied experience

with all different types
of orgasms.

Some are full-body,
some are more...

soul shattering.

How long do you think
your orgasms last?

Minutes.

Are you talking
or am I talking?

As soon as he ejaculates,
he has to go to sleep.

And you haven't even started,
he's gone to sleep.

It's true. It would be good
to have lots of men lined up.

Absolutely.

The masters of old used to say
the man should enter soft

and come out hard.

Not go in hard, finish himself,

come out soft,
meaning he's depleted.

He should come out more virile
than when he started.

Which is not that easy to do.

-How do you get it in?
-She stuffs him in.

Like she folds
the socks together.

-Oh, so you fold the penis...
-You fold him in, stuff him in,

and he grows
and lengthens inside you.

-Hopefully.
-Hopefully.

Well, with a little squeezing
of the muscles, this can happen.

OK, we're going to discuss

everything from mapping
the female genitals,

which, you would think
we would know what's going on

between our legs,
but actually we don't.

I don't like to go to the gym,
but when I have been

and I'm in the shower,
I make a point of making sure

I look at every woman's vagina
to compare my own to,

because it's the only chance
I get if I don't look at porn,

-which is not accurate.
-Those aren't even real.

You can't even see
the full vagina.

No, but I do my best.

I'm so curious.

If they were celebrated
everywhere,

if we had these massive shrines
to them,

I think we would be like,
"That's right, mm-hmm."

We should be able to spread
our legs and go, "Wow!"

Women have all
of these pleasure parts

that most of us
don't know about.

We don't know.

Our healthcare providers
don't know.

The sex books, the textbooks,
most tantra teachers,

sexuality teachers,
sex educators,

midwives, doctors -- they don't
know this stuff is there.

Why?

The first edition
ofJoy of Sex

did not mention
the word "clitoris."

Really?

-You're kidding.
-I kid you not.

Didn't really focus that much
on female pleasure, actually.

So we got back one part
of the clitoris.

And then we got
the "G spot."

Um, which isn't a spot

and the Dr. Grafenberg,
who it's named after,

didn't have one.

So I don't really care
for that name.

The only problem is it's not
actually a spot.

It's a tube of erectile tissue

that surrounds the tube
of the urethra.

Do you know where
your G spot is?

Yes.

This is the clitoris.

This, therefore,
would be the G spot,

which we're not calling
a G spot anymore.

-No, fuck the G spot.
-Fuck the G spot.

-Sacred spot.
-Sacred spot.

-Have you mapped your G spot?
-No.

So, mapping,
it's like a clock face.

You want to see your G spot
like a clock face.

Let's say you're at
the twelve o'clock position,

and you would do like,
OK, now I'm doing

back and forth
with medium pressure.

On a scale of 1 to 5,
how arousing is that?

-Yeah.
-So it might be side to side,

it might be more
of the "come hither."

I say anchor and pull
instead of "come hither."

So this is like
what normal sex does,

is friction over,

versus anchoring in
and pulling towards.

Do you see the difference?

So you're anchoring underneath
and pulling away.

This is the area where
the Grafenberg spot is.

And that's where
it will swell.

But you have to use
quite a bit of pressure.

It's not just a nice --
you have to use two fingers.

-You really wanna come here!
-You really wanna come here!

It's hard to stimulate
with a penis.

A lot easier with fingers.

You could do it with a penis
but at quite an angle.

The clitoris has a shaft,

which is under the hood.

The clitoris has legs,

which extend 3 to 4 inches
down on either side,

like a fat wishbone.

And that's just the three parts
of the clitoris.

all made of erectile tissue.

There's the vestibular bulbs,

which are two big, fat wads
of erectile tissue.

-Mm. That sounds so good.
-I know.

Pleasure in a woman's body

is the offering that we make
to the divine.

And the expression of pleasure
in the body

is something that's hard
for most women.

Because we've been shut down,
right, and it's not safe.

My earliest memories were where
I was very orgasmic

at a very early age

and was utterly ashamed
because of it

and would spend hours
in the gym class

at the top of the ropes where
no one could see me coming.

Like this.

Like a little monkey.
Like a bonobo.

Oh, you are a bonobo!

Play with gifting yourself,

giving yourself
pleasure sessions.

I've been conditioned
for so many years,

because I've been
self-pleasuring

since I was very young,

to do it from such
a negative place.

You know, it's what's turned me
on has been so negative.

So the idea of doing
something tender and...

It's just like,
"That's gonna turn me on?"

Forget the orgasm stuff for now.
Focus on the pleasure.

And run little experiments
and notice what happens

and when anything good happens,
practice that.

The best way to get to
the orgasm is to let go of it.

Yeah.

Pleasure practice is, in fact,
the attention towards opening

and relaxing.

There's specific aspects
like dancing,

like being with your animals,
like being in beauty.

Like being in nature.

Smells, sounds,
delicious foods.

All of those things
automatically open the body.

So this brings us to pleasure
and the body

and women, and women's
orgasmic potential.

The Hitachi Magic Wand was,
for a number of years,

the most popular masturbatory
device in the United States.

It's hard core,

the amount of voltage coming out
of that thing.

-How big is it?
-It's...

You can put all penises aside
when you have one of those.

But it's not used internally,
of course.

It's an external massage device.

Why have something so big
for just the clit?

'Cause it works wonders.

I mean, as opposed to like
a "zzz,"

it's like "ZZZ!"

It's kind of scary, actually.

Vibrators were invented
by doctors

who didn't want to actually
touch women

because it was considered that
orgasms cured hysteria.

There's something that
a woman has designed

called the Crystal Wand.

It actually has a little handle,

and it's beautifully curved.

It's not the size of a penis
at all.

It's... it's delicate.

-More like the size of a finger?
Yes, like the size of a finger.

It's a delicate piece
of assistance

to help keep
the energy in there awake.

By the way,
if anybody's worried about it,

the stats are that in couples
where they self-cultivate,

they have more partnered sex.

It does not take the place
of partnered sex.

It's not like somehow
if you touch yourself,

you're not going to want
your mate -- not true.

Most of our body parts
were named by men.

So there's this lack of sort
of sensual sensitivity

to the anatomy.

So, what do we do
with our vaginas,

do we just make something up?

What would that word be?
What would it look like?

How many syllables
would it have?

The most accurate word
would be "vulva."

It sounds like a bloody car.

I think it's important to
reclaim every single word

that has been identified
as our genitals.

And I don't mind going back
historically

and reclaiming "cunt,"

because it was like
not an insult, originally.

And in fact, it was like
a very honoring term.

What I'd invite you to do
with all of the media images

and all of the stuff that you've
been bombarded with

that has a negative like, ecch,

is to start creating
your own new images.

In our culture right now,
coming on a woman's face

is more like a degrading thing,

as opposed to seeing it
as something beautiful

and something that is
life giving.

The idea of Amrita for
the female sexual fluids,

that this is like the divine
nectar of a goddess.

And you can think of it the same
way with a man,

like this is the divine
nectar of a man.

However, I'm more concerned
by what he is feeling

when he ejaculates.

And if he is feeling
negativity

and objectifying me.

Because it's very hard for me
then to transcend that

into my own version of, "OK,
I'm absorbing his essence,"

even though he may be thinking,

"I'm gonna fucking come all over
her fucking face, that cunt."

Why are you sleeping
with that person?

No, I'm not sleeping
with that person,

but that's where my mind
goes to,

because of the images
that I've absorbed

throughout my life

and through my own sexual
experiences in my past.

Can you reframe objectification?

Please.

So, instead of being an object
in a negative sense,

being like,
"You're irresistible."

You are so hot and irresistible

that he just has to have
an orgasm.

It's more like idolizing
rather than objectifying.

Yes, like they're idolizing you.

You're so irresistible,
you're so hot.

OK, that I like.

So you become what you believe,

and you must believe yourself
to be this vibrant, juicy,

powerful, self-healing
majestic creature,

because that is truly
what you are.

A woman.

We need to make new language,
so for example,

what's the word
for a clit erection?

OK, men have "boner," "hard-on,"
"morning wood."

Tumescence. Tumy.

I have never
heard this word before.

It means engorgement,
apparently.

I got a tumy?

That sounds like a suitcase.

What about a hoodie?

A standing-O?
Like a standing ovation?

Oh, I like that.

Like, I have a standing-O
for so-and-so.

I got a throb.

What about a whale?

-Really, a whale in your pants?
-I got a whaler.

I think that the earthquake ones
are really good.

Like an 8.0?

An 8.0, oh, I love that.

Blue balls, right?
How many blue clits are there?

No human is just masculine
or feminine.

The masculine and the man,
you know, ask a guy,

how is he feeling?

Good, OK.

What are you thinking?
Nothing.

What are you thinking? Nothing.

When you have a wife
and six children in a cave

in the middle of winter
and you go out and track a deer

and that deer has a baby,
you better be dull enough

that you don't feel
enough compassion

to not kill the mother
and the baby

because otherwise
your whole tribe will die.

Why do I have
a hard time with that?

Because you're a woman
and life

and the sustaining of life
and the exchange of love

is the most important thing.

Everybody has an internal female
and an internal male.

So woman have a male that is
actually there for them to use.

What they end up doing is,
they use it in an unhealthy way.

So what that looks like is
the aggressiveness,

the control, the domination.

But those are actually
unhealthy male qualities

even in a male.

Women are not happy
with modern men.

Thousands and thousands
of women told me about,

why can't they find a guy
who's just gonna man up?

But when they run across
a man who does,

they go, "He's acting like
a caveman,

he's not being sensitive,"
and so yeah.

-That is so funny.
-Not from a man's point of view.

I can't help that.
I mean, I want the ape man.

But then when he does something
apelike, I'm horrified.

It just hasn't really
occurred to me,

in my little nucleus of a family
and my relationship with my man,

I didn't think he was still
a Neanderthal.

Well, actually, I do call him
a Neanderthal at times.

But hasn't he evolved
away from that cave?

Yes, he has, but the first thing
that happens is

survival needs to be handled.

What is the disparity
between the female...

Just the undulations between
all those emotions.

There is no undulation
in the masculine.

-None?
-None.

You have to imagine
if your masculine is the pole,

the unwavering pole
of consciousness

that you can undulate around?

The pole is, to me,
it's a symbol

of the fourth wave
of feminism,

which I believe is coming,
we're on it, we're in it.

But it is the wave
of sexual reclamation,

body reclamation,
feminine body reclamation,

and within that body
resides our sexuality.

We are sexual creatures, right?

Our breasts curve,
our hips curve,

our asses curve,
our legs curve, our necks curve.

We're just these wonderful,
curvy, beautiful creatures,

and our bodies are meant
to attract

and have conversations
with everybody,

very specifically
the masculine energy

and the masculine eye
and the masculine body,

and the feminine has to master
the dance

between her feminine
and masculine energy.

It's a dance.

Curve of movement.

Feminine movement.

That's that big, stretchy,
round, curvy, yummy movement

that is slow...
Yeah, yeah, beautiful.

You're already moving
through sensuality.

Letting the flavours move you.

Letting them stir up
the emotion inside,

which is allowing yourself
to feel.

[Catherine] Dr. Pat Allen
will help Gabriel and me,

um, be less masculine.

And she's the one who said,
before I met you,

when I was in a really
paltry relationship

and she had just autopsied
the relationship,

which she does very finely,

and I said, "When am I gonna
meet a good man?"

And she said, "When you meet
a better man than you."

So let's say I, hypothetically,
come to you and say --

You're asking for a friend,
right?

-Yes, I am.

So, my friend
is sexually unsatisfied.

-Man or woman?
-She's a female.

-She looks a lot like me.
-No, she's not female.

She's male.

You women have Yin bodies
but Yang souls.

We use this word "chivalry,"
but it's really to describe

this act of the masculine
showing up

and being present
for the woman.

That's what a lot
of modern women are craving,

is that they have so much
masculine energy at play,

they're dying for a place
to surrender and let go.

My fellow insists on opening
the car door for me,

no matter what is going on.

There could be
a torrential downpour,

but he walks around the car,
and I say,

"It's OK, honey,
I'll make a run for it,"

He ignores me completely,
and it is so fucking sexy

to be ignored in that instance.

Exactly.

It's about allowing myself
to feel safe to let go.

Like if every time he does
something like that,

I take a moment just to go,

"Wow, he's signaling to me
that I can let go."

This conversation we're having
in certain circles

would be very frowned upon,
right?

From a strong feminist
perspective.

I would have frowned upon this
conversation six months ago.

That's the difference,
it's a choice, right?

I don't think we trust
our own pleasure.

We were taught not to.

We were taught pleasure
was dangerous,

it was gonna get us
in trouble.

It was gonna cause us
to be too wild.

We weren't going to be pleasing
to other people.

We'd be bad girls.

Most of us have shut down
our sexual energy at some point

earlier on in our lives,
when we were told

that what we were doing
was inappropriate.

Whether it was touching
ourselves, whatever,

which all little children do.

We got negative messages
about our sexual energy,

how to hide that and not to
pleasure ourselves in any way.

I think I have been
so shut down,

the thought of deep pleasure has
been almost terrifying to me.

Like if I allowed myself
to feel that good,

what does that mean?

Am I that worthy?

You know, I've never felt that
I've been worthy

of that kind of release,
of feeling the bliss.

I can read that in you, that you
don't love yourself deeply.

No. Not even much at all,
let alone deeply.

Do you stop yourself from having
a full experience

because of that fear?

I mean, it seems like you go
for that anyway.

Well, I think I've spent
so many years trying to be

what I want people to think
that I am

rather than...

being my authentic self.

I'm sure that has to do with
not wanting to let go

to even be able to climax,

because it's like you have
to let go to that degree

of appearing foolish or not
knowing what's going to happen.

I just had this funny image
of myself

when I would receive pleasure
as a child,

and it was in the wrong way.

The person who
I sought pleasure with,

we would make a tent
in my bedroom,

within a tent,
so that if someone were--

'Cause there was no lock
on the door --

if someone entered the room,
we would have enough time

to undo what we were doing
in our pleasure

before they got through
the two layers of the tent.

And I'm thinking, maybe,
in my love making,

I should make a tent.

Two tents.
That's a way of creating safety.

And when you really feel safe,

then you can start
to feel your pleasure.

Your goal is to actually focus
on the sensation,

but if something
is distracting you,

allow yourself the ability
to say,

"Oh, that's distracting me,
I need something adjusted."

We just have to wait
while she drifts off.

See you later.

So the sensual are ruled
by the mind,

and they have a hard time
getting in their body.

Um, a great example is like

what I do with the sensual
wiring types in session is

literally get them on the table
and be like,

"OK, tell me everything
that's wrong in the room

that needs to be adjusted
before you can settle down."

They need to have like
all of the t's crossed

and the i's dotted
and everything set up

in a particular way

so then they can settle
into their sensuality.

Ding! Oh, yeah, I forgot
to turn the laundry over.

The bedroom's not clean.

Beep. Gotta start
all over again.

That would be me.

Get the Swiffer out.

So she can interrupt
her sex drive at any moment

with any kind
of stressful thing,

and as soon as
the stress hormones come in,

epinephrine, norepinephrine,urrrr,arousal goes down

and lubrication goes down

and her sex drive
goes in the toilet again.

Do you find it hard to get
out of your head

and out of your thinking
and into your body?

For a woman, totally,
100 percent. For a man, no.

For women, yes.

If I relax myself and I let
the day's problems go,

the children go, whatever,
and I say,

"OK, tonight, you know,
nothing else matters,"

then it can happen.

But if one thing is on my mind,
it's not gonna happen.

I don't care how hard he tries.

It's OK to sit there
in a meditation,

"I love myself,
I love my body,

I love my breasts,
I love my vagina,

I love my thighs,"
but that's my mind talking.

My body does not feel that
at all.

The mind's job is to think,
so number one,

don't make an enemy
of your mind, that is its job.

But then you should be able
to develop a frequency

that the mind can go
and you can keep going.

If the mind is stopping you
from the deeper experience,

then you're having an aversion

and probably avoidance
of some deeper feelings.

So to really have
a deep ability

to hold orgasmic energy
for a long time,

you're going to feel a lot,

not just what you
"want to feel."

A lot of people just want
to have a better orgasm,

they want their relationships
to get better.

They don't understand
that they're going to feel

more of what they haven't
been feeling.

I need more instruction.

Where is the problem?

Right here.

But the body's still having
these experiences.

Yes, but what's the good of that
if the mind is saying,

"You're faking, you're lying,
you're shit, you're ugly,

you're frigid, you're cold,
fuck you"?

You can't stop your body
from being orgasmic.

However horrible the things are
that you say to yourself,

your body's still having
these profound experiences.

But my mind is nullifying it
because I'm not able to enjoy it

because it's...
there's such a restriction

put on the experience
by my interpretation of it.

My question to you is,

how can your mind
actually prevent

the sensation of your fingertips
on your arm?

It can't reduce the feeling
on my arm,

but what it can do is reduce
the experience of pleasure.

How?

All right, you be my lover
and stroke my arm.

Oh, my lover is stroking my arm.

I wonder why he's doing that.
What's he after?

He wants something
from me because--

OK, so what I'm hearing
right then is that

the moment you had this
experience, you were present,

and then you stopped
being present

and you went off
in your mind loopy.

Do you remain present
while I'm talking to you

or are you still looping?

-Always looping.
-You're always looping.

-You want to slap me, don't you?
-Yeah.

Oh, no!

The South Pole of the clitoris
is the sacred spot,

or the G spot.

And that's where
all of the messages

really get to the brain,

that I'm having orgasms here,
I'm having a great time.

I love penetration, I love
a man's penis inside me.

That's all being said
to your brain

in a positive response.

Letting yourself be penetrated
by a man

is a deeply intimate,
deeply vulnerable,

deeply spiritual,
deeply scary thing.

Before physical penetration
there comes

emotional penetration,
psychic penetration,

spiritual penetration,
where...

we feel a man and we feel
how stable is he.

When we want to be penetrated,
we have to make ourselves soft.

What you're saying is so key.
I thought it was backwards.

I thought the penetration
would move me

and would cause me to surrender,

but it wasn't until
I completely surrendered

that he could actually
penetrate me effectively.

As a man, I think, you know,
when spending time with a woman

or a lover,
it's really important

what you're bringing
to the space as well,

you know, and if you're
in a relaxed state,

women typically respond
to that, you know.

So that's a great place
to start, checking...

how you're breathing,
what your intention is.

What is it that you could bring
that would, uh...

have a woman soften
and feel safe?

When you get penetrated by
a man who is that conscious,

the penetration has
a different weight.

It's a totally
different feeling,

when the whole totality
of existence

presses down on this man
who then presses into you.

I have experienced that.

How do you teach a man
to penetrate?

Well, he has to know
his purpose.

He has to know what he's about,
and the most important thing is

you cannot be more important
than his purpose,

which, of course,
every woman hates...

-Mm-hmm.
-...and loves.

Yeah, it is really sexy
and annoying at the same time.

Yes, it is sexy
and annoying as fuck!

Catherine's been through
a process

with one of the healers,
his name is Nityama,

and he takes you into your body
where you're experiencing

this wave of orgasmic pleasure.

And we're looking for a model

to do this demonstration
on camera because

Catherine and I are too chicken.

In the end of the process,
your genitals don't exist.

You are literally
an orgasmic wave.

I would love to experience
these long-lasting waves

that you've
been telling me about,

but I can't really say
that I've experienced that.

My fella and I are going to work
on the same techniques

so I can actually
accomplish that with him.

The two of you will do
a simple exercise,

and you'll be able to see how
it's a metaphor of love making.

Right hand to right hand.

You'll close your eyes.

Calm your mind and become aware
of your own hand.

Your own right hand.

I'm going to massage you
for a long time.

I'm focusing on releasing
your negative emotions.

You're breathing, you're
releasing negative emotions

and then filling up
with positive emotions.

You're moving your body

and processing
your positive emotions.

And now, very slowly,

start to explore
your partner's hand.

Where is their hand?

You'll start moving the hand
to actually explore it.

Go slow enough to where you
never lose sight of yourself

or your friend's hand,
your partner's hand.

Where are they?

When I went back to Shareef,
I said, "I got it.

I figured it all out, I got it.
This is what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna do this
and you're gonna do this,

and I will do that
when you do this.

After that, you'll do this,
and I will do this."

And the minute
we got into intimacy,

my fear arose

and my trust issues arose.

And I said, "Stop everything."

Shareef isn't a healer.

He hasn't been trained
in the art of tantra.

He's a beautiful gentleman,
so guess what he did?

He stopped and he backed off.

What I needed was for him
to do this thing

which is new for me
of holding space,

which is basically,
"My wife is raging at me.

I'm just gonna stay here
with her."

What happens is, in that love,

you pass through that phase
of mistrust and fear,

and then you can come back
to an orgasmic potential.

During our session,
I don't know what I was feeling.

I went through
so many different degrees

of sensory awareness in my body.

What happened to you
is you lose your control.

You surrender.

You know when you're exercising
and you push yourself

and you push yourself
and push yourself

like you get to this level,
this plateau, and you're like,

"I'm going to go further." No?

Well, that was my entryway
into seeing

that leveled potential in sex,

that I would hit this level
and then go another level

and then go another level
and go another level

and break through to something
completely, you know,

where I would come out of this
experience with this orgasm

and feel like
a different person,

but feel like more of me.

Not different like
somebody else, but more of me.

Guys are offended when somebody
offers to teach them,

and they're even offended
when women offer to teach them.

Yeah, well, I'm going about it
in a different way.

I'm not saying that that's
what I want.

I'm getting pissed

and I'm being, I'm angry.

What are you telling him
you're pissed at?

Anything, everything.

So you're blaming everything
and anything

rather than
the root cause of it?

Haven't you stressed
how important that is to you,

to have that time with him?

Do you think he understands
it's hard for you?

You're holding, not just a hand,

it's a person's hand.

And the person has lived
many years

and been through many things.

The actual hand you're holding,
if you can imagine this,

that hand, that simple thing
we take for granted,

that hand has actually
clenched in pain,

it's actually wiped away tears,

it's waved goodbye,

it's carried its first lunchbox
to school.

It held hands
for the first time.

Beautiful.
Hold still for just a second.

Good. Good.

That was a beautiful exercise,
and I felt...

I felt...

everything.

I thought that once Shareef
had experienced me in that state

and had experienced
that state himself

that everything would change,
but it hasn't.

I think I had this misconception
that once a woman is opened up,

that she's in
a perpetual state of bliss.

-And that's not...
-That's not the case.

Not, not necessarily.
It's like...

It's layer
after layer after layer.

Great.

Sacred spot or G spot area
itself can be very numb

initially upon contact.

And it's numb to protect itself.

It's a sleeping giant in there.

And it's filled with energy and
it's filled with consciousness.

And the body kind of like
holds trauma and it goes numb.

It's called body armoring.
It desensitizes.

So it needs to go through
a process of reawakening.

And that is called
somatic sexual healing

or we call it tantric healing.

People also have, uh,
in particular

like emotional trauma
and wounding.

It's not uncommon
and they say--

There's no scientific basis
for us to say this,

but they will say
clinically that people seem

to hold wounding
in the sexual areas

if they have had trauma,
and sometimes

when they do the healing work,

it will release
a lot of emotion.

Well, I'm really inspired
to hear a doctor state

that trauma is stored
in vaginal tissue.

A lot of my experiences
as I was waking up this area

was a huge release of emotion.

I had sexual trauma as a child,

and I did decades
of different types of therapy,

and I always still felt
like a victim.

My body felt like it was never
going to purge itself

of that original trauma.

But when I started doing
sexual healing work,

somatic sexual healing work,
it's gone.

When you think of the number
of women

who have been sexually abused --
the numbers are phenomenal --

and the number of women
who report problems

where they're not feeling
pleasure,

I think there's got to be some
correlation there.

And trauma doesn't always have
to mean like a specific trauma,

although that can be very
painful and long-lasting.

It can be a series

of stress-related
negative experiences

and cultural conditioning.

Why is that vagina numb?

It's a problem with nerves,
right?

So you look
at the pudendal nerve

and see if that's a problem.

That can give you clitoral
numbness, penile numbness.

How do you look at that nerve?
What does that entail?

Hi, Dr. Weiss.

Keep pushing in against my hand.
The other way.

-I'm just going to check the...
-Whoo!

-Right there?
-Yes, that's so painful.

So that's when I press the tube.

What does that mean?

She has an injury
in that muscle fiber.

That can give, that area--

See, this goes next
to the bladder.

That can give you urinary
urgency or frequency.

That's tight.

You don't have to change
anything for me.

I guess I feel very vulnerable
with your hand inside me.

Oh, that feels good.

-You have a good voice.

That whole area feels
like it's on fire.

-And that's about to be fixed.
-Oh, it can?

Oh, I don't like that.

That feels very...

Ever fall on your tailbone?

Yeah, I did have
a roller-skating accident.

I must have been about,
I don't know, 15?

When you get to a muscle
like this,

it's like the body armor
captures emotions at the time

and people will start crying
and doing all kinds of stuff.

Maybe I'm just hanging onto
some old stuff.

Tight ass?
No, I have a tight clitoris.

Catherine and I believe that
there's a point during labour

where we both felt
very close to orgasm.

Had we a better understanding
of deep relaxation in the body

and were able to be more
centered and grounded,

specifically in the area
that was birthing,

we may have been able
to sort of transcend

the pain during childbirth
and actually have an experience

that was quite pleasurable.

So we wanted
a professional opinion

about whether you thought
that was even possible.

Yeah, I mean,
theoretically, why not?

Because the boundary
between pleasure and pain

is very close.

There were moments where I felt
tremendous sexual pleasure.

But I was so convinced that
it was probably more like pain

because that's how I was
conditioned to think.

Even if we just reprogrammed
women into thinking...

-Just giving them permission.
-Yes, to feel pleasure.

You were a midwife.

Did you ever experience a woman
having an orgasmic birth?

Absolutely.

In fact, most of what I learned
about how to have amazing sex

I learned from being a midwife,

from working with women,

and from learning from birth.

That makes sense because it's
a trance state that you go in.

It's an altered state.

We've both given birth
three times,

and you go into
an altered state.

Exactly. In fact,
the altered state of labour

and the altered state
of arousal

are almost exactly
the same state.

-Yes, they are.
-Yes, they are.

Then they're supposed to be
that way.

If we knew how to stimulate
women properly during labour,

we would have orgasmic births.

There are birth orgasms.

There are cultures who apply
vaginal stimulation, massage,

vaginal massage,
prior to the delivery.

I imagine that if you're
stimulating a woman sexually

around the clitoris,

that it would change
the nerve impulses.

That must be a Californian thing
because I do a perineal massage

and I promise you
I never go there.

So you do a perineal massage,
but you're massaging

all the way around
the vagina.

Just the perineum because
that's the area

that's the most,
you know, under pressure,

the most at risk
of breaking apart.

This is precisely our point.

If we avoid the area

that presents itself
as a pleasure zone --

I'm not sure why we avoid
that area but we obviously do...

I don't know if I need to speak
to my lawyer now.

We set them up to fail.

We did everything
we possibly could

to keep them from getting
into that altered state.

It would be like
saying to somebody,

"OK, I want you to get turned on
and have an orgasm

and you have to go to the
hospital because it's dangerous,

and you might fail at it
because a lot of people do.

And now we're going
to put you in a silly gown

and put you in the bed
with the fluorescent lights

and the weird smells and then
strange people are gonna come in

and periodically stick
their hand in your crotch

and judge you, and then also
ask you ridiculous questions,

like your mother's maiden name,
your social security number.

You have to think about
the answers.

And you're on a clock.

You better do it in time,"
and then they're gonna go,

"So how you doing, getting wet?
Getting turned on?"

That's what we're doing
to women with labour.

And when we understand
the connection

between birth and sex,

then we would treat birth
entirely differently.

In my first labour, during many,
many hours of labour,

at one point I was hanging off
my midwife's neck,

like just dangling off her
like, "Help me!"

And she looked down at me
and she said,

"You can let this baby out now."

And I was like, "Oh!"

I was given permission
to be safe enough

to bring this child
into the world,

and all of the sudden,
my hips opened

and everything started moving
and out she came.

Same thing with sex.
Same thing with pleasure.

I learned monkey breath
from Elena Tonetti

who was the birth woman,
and it's what they gave women

when they got stuck in labour,
second stage,

so that they could have
the orgasmic birth.

But it was also a technique
that helped them get out

of their thinking minds
and into their primal mind.

Which is where you need to go
for orgasm,

and sensual types really have
trouble with this.

So I say do a little
monkey breath in the bathroom

before you go have sex.

Because maybe you don't want
your partner seeing you

doing monkey breath
'cause it looks kind of crazy.

Move your jaw side to side,
don't get in a pattern.

Close it, tighten it,
squeeze your eyes shut,

open, keep breathing.

Move your bodies,
a little stiff in your bodies.

You can move your body...

Female ejaculation.

We're going to demystify
what that is

and why it's so important.

Squirting.

-Otherwise known as squirting.
-OK.

There's a difference, not only
in urine and female ejaculation,

but a significant difference

and something they call
gushing or squirting,

which is diluted urine
that has a little bit

of the component from
the female prostate gland,

the PSA,
prostate-specific androgen,

and glucose and fructose,

and it has some
of the components of urine

in the gushing.

Have you encountered a squirter?

Oh, yeah.

-Oh, yeah.
-Or a gusher.

So you have a technique in order
to elicit such a thing?

I wouldn't say it because
every woman's not the same.

-Right.
-Good answer.

The one I experienced it with
was actually an older lady,

like in her 40s.

-Older.

The thing about ejaculating is,
you have to really, really,

really surrender.

Because now you're actually
pushing out a little bit

as the pleasure rolls
through you.

Which is the hardest thing
to do.

So you have to be really
comfortable that you're not...

You know, that even if you peed
on the bed, it doesn't matter.

Or whatever, you have to be
really comfortable

with your partner.

And if you're not
and you're holding back,

and you're keeping that muscle
a little bit tight,

you can't ejaculate.

The tendency in women,
we're to be good girls.

We're not supposed to make
messes in bed.

We're not supposed
to completely surrender

and let go of everything.

I want to be good and I want
to be sweet and perfect

and I want to look good
and hold it all together.

And I think that's
the biggest thing

that holds many women back.

I think we're so afraid
of being out of control,

and when you're experiencing
intense bliss,

you're completely
out of control.

Some women ejaculate so much

that scientists can't quite
explain it.

Don't look at me!

Catherine was calling me,
"Oh, my God.

You have to try this modality,
it's amazing,

I'm squirting
all over the house!

I'm squirting the neighbours."

And that is a gift from God.

And the goddess flows through
in this wet way.

She just, in her own wet way,
she just flows through.

-The gushing goddess.
-The gushing goddess.

Not in teaspoons or tablespoons,
but in cups and quarts.

Ancient cultures called it
this sacred fluid, the Amrita.

Kama Sutra.
I mean, this goes way back.

Thousands and thousands
of years.

There's a tribe in Africa
where they teach women

-to spray the walls...
-To spray the walls?

-Yeah, so that's the gushing.
-How fun!

The Batoro tribe
and they call it Kachapati.

How fabulous. We should have
a Kachapati party.

I invite women to expand
their orgasmic potential

because it makes you happier,
it's better for your health.

It helps keep you more useful,
your biochemistry,

your hormones,
helps menopause symptoms.

There's so much research
now coming out

on how orgasm
is amazing for you,

and how expanding your orgasm

and having
different kinds of orgasms

helps keep you healthy
and actually live longer.

Orgasm is a whole-brain
phenomenon.

Basically, all the systems
of the brain

are "go" at orgasm.

One of the biggest things that
our participants have to do

to find out what is going on
in the brain

is either be self-stimulated
or stimulated by a partner

and keep still
while they have an orgasm.

You have to invent
a new machine.

We've made a "happy helmet,"
which has a nice neck brace,

that really helps stabilize
the brain.

-Would you like to model that?
-No.

-This is mine.
-Oh, that's yours?

And he's contributed a bunch
of orgasms for the men's study.

Bravo!

What OM taught me was

to feel what was there

as it was happening,

literally one stroke at a time,
and it changed my sex life.

So I don't know that I would
experience

what I experience in sex
without have OMed.

I could see that one hand
was stroking the clitoris,

but it looked like your thumb

was right at the entrance
of her vagina.

So this is the entry,
the introitus, right?

I would have my thumb
just barely at the edge.

And that gives me,
it has a couple purposes.

It's like a ground,
and it's also a way

that I can actually feel
the involuntary contractions

going through her body,
so at a certain point,

it's almost like RPMs.

I can actually feel the speed
her body is actually moving at.

The beauty for me of OM
is that you can plug it--

If you're a monogamous couple,
you can use it

to get closer to your partner.

There are people who are
interested in realization

who use it for that purpose.

There are women who are,
like I said, tired and wired,

who just want to like get
their shot of oxytocin

and be on with their day.

I think the other element is
that it's 15 minutes a day.

I'm missing something.

You don't do it in conjunction
with sex.

So a woman will strip
from her waist down.

Assume a position.

And you stimulate the left
upper quadrant of the clitoris.

The number-one thing
I would say about it

is my attention has like
shot through the roof.

And I realize it is
my most valuable asset.

Your awareness.

This isn't sex and it's not
a replacement for sex,

and it's not foreplay.

It's like I would go
and do yoga

or I would do
sitting meditation.

It's my practice that I have
to have it be

that my tank is full.

And when my tank is full,
you know,

when I have a massive amount
of pleasure in my body,

it will naturally change
my sex life.

I brought a present
for both of you.

I brought you some rose quartz
Ben Wa balls.

It sounds like dessert.

Your vagina's
going to swallow them.

And they're delectable
and delicious.

So you want to put it
through the hole.

And then we're going
to tie it off.

So you want to make sure that
you thread them individually.

OK, because what you want

is for them to be
moving around separately

inside your vagina.

So the Jade Egg practices
are really good to help you

just really gently start
to get to know

the internal parts
of your vaginal walls.

What can you do with your egg?

How skilled are you
with your egg?

OK, this is probably a
reflection of my own practice,

but I can push eggs
and cocks out of me.

Like...
I mean, I'm telling you.

I will be in this crazy
orgasmic experience,

-and all of the sudden...
-You eject a cock!

I eject a cock.

One more time.

Good, now connect the dots.

Inhaling to the back,
exhaling as you come front.

-Yeah, good!

Oh! Lost one.

To get women
to exhale with sound,

to get women to make any sound

is a big accomplishment.

That's the one thing
they all say.

"Oh, I'm not used
to making sounds.

I don't make sounds."

Do you see how we, like,
shut all this off?

Like we're afraid to make sound,
we're afraid...

So all of our tools
that lead us to ecstasy

we've kind of shut down
and didn't allow.

And if you think about
sexual energy

as a zero to a ten,

like zero being freezing,
ten being boiling,

if every time you come together,
you're starting at freezing,

it's going to take a really
long time to get to boiling.

And so ideally you're constantly
hanging out at this simmer,

like a five or a six and even
a seven or an eight,

where the sexual energy
is already high,

so that all it takes is
a bit of a touch, a squeeze,

-a bit of a stroke.
-Whoo!

And somebody's already
very close,

because they're in
this perpetual state,

the perpetual state
of wantonness.

I think that I'm more aroused
by a love scene,

explicit or not,

in a beautifully shot film
than any porn I've ever seen.

So I wondered what would it be
like to be exposed

to images and sounds that are
not forced and faked,

debasing, dehumanizing women.

dismissing their right
to explore profoundly

genuine pleasure?

What if we were to make
an erotic film

that had the sensibility
of a feature romance

with a real couple
who'd been exposed

to the same journey
of sexual awakening,

making love
without a performance?

What would it be like

to witness her
authentic arousal,

her sounds, her movements,

her expressions,

her vulnerability,

to see his utter devotion
to her pleasure?

What would that look like?

When you are in trance,

you stop making
critical judgments

and you have acceptable
selective focus

'cause you have
a direct experience.

So, G, when you know

that you have your eyelids
totally relaxed,

just give them a little test
so that I know.

That's right, now stop
in relaxation,

deeper and deeper now...

The acceptable selective focus
part is that

you're perfectly aware
of everything that's going on

and, in fact,
when you're in trance,

actually your sensory apparatus
lights up.

And you're actually
way more aware

of everything
that's going on around you,

it's just that you don't care

because you're focused in
on the person

who's leading you through
the experience

because everything that person
says, feels, does,

turns into your experience
as well.

Whenever some old bad habit
or some old way of thinking

pops up, you will hear my voice
going, "G, stop it."

The reward that virtually
all women have asked for

is they want to become
fully orgasmic.

Why does orgasmic energy
heal neurosis?

Because the lack
of orgasmic energy

is what causes neurosis,

with that intense frustration,
OK?

And you're seeking
gratification desperately

in any way you can,

and a lot of it tends to be
attention-getting behaviors,

which neuroses are.

All throughout mind and body,
that's right.

It gets stronger.
It takes you away.

That's right,
your body wants this.

Your mind is ready for this.

Now stop.

Your desire to be free
grows stronger.

Take a deep breath now.

Your eyes open, wide awake,

returning all the way back
to the room.

And how are you doing?

OK, so tell me what happened.

-I'm not sure.

-I think I went pretty deep.

-I could feel the heat.
-OK.

And then I could feel
the desire.

And then I just felt...

a release, but it wasn't quite
the desired release

that I was going for.

No, that's OK. That's OK.

Whatever response you have is,
in fact,

the perfect response
for you at that time.

That's why you're having it.

Can you tell us what happens
when somebody experiences

sexual abuse,
especially children?

It taints or it skews the sexual
experience going forward,

because it's got this other
thing attached to it.

And I think that's where people
can get stuck, right,

is doing years and years
of talking therapy

and being like,
"I know what happened.

You know, I've done
all this work around it,

and yet I'm still
feeling stuck."

The child might feel
some arousal just from the fact

that they're being stimulated,
but now that arousal

is coupled with this memory

of a violation,
so those become married.

Those actually become
neuropathways

that are established
in the person.

So if it's not consensual,
you can have

this incredible sexual energy
opened up in a child

but her consciousness
or his consciousness

is not capable of processing
or integrating.

I think once a child
is turned on sexually,

in that perverse manner,
she's turned on.

Tell me a little bit
about that.

Well, I...

I was sexually tampered with
by my next-door neighbour

growing up.

How old were you?

I was 4.

And then, uh...

And then there was more abuse.

I was terribly confused
and I felt dirty.

And so I would look for
that kind of stimulus and...

What does that mean?

It means I became
a masturbating machine.

From 4?

Yes. Oh, yeah.

It was just such
a powerful emotion

to feel, uh... orgasmic...

that I would seek it out.

Do you make that wrong?

There was just such
a stigma surrounding...

Even when my mother talked to me
about the abuse,

it was in a whisper.

And if she caught me
playing with myself,

it was, "That's not OK."

So I was always like,
"Oh, fuck.

I have to do this really
quietly."

It's the quiet thing about her.

And no one can hear me
or see me,

or smell me.

You know, there was
a sensory like vacuum.

That's when you started
disconnecting from your body?

I would imagine so.
It would make total sense.

How would you describe
your sexual experiences now

as an adult?

Did anything happen in your body
when I asked that question?

-Yeah.
-What happens in your body?

Just...

that same feeling of choking.

Do you think it's possible
to heal sexual trauma

without working
physically on the body?

I think that it's possible.

But I think that,
because I hold the belief

that the body holds memory,
emotion and trauma,

that needs to be released
in some way.

We are constantly having to work

against the tension
in our bodies,

and the more we know
how to do that,

the more pleasure we can have.

You relax your lips and mouth
and let the emotion flow.

Yeah, relax your mouth again,
sweetie.

You gotta let it go,
because if you don't, Gabrielle,

it lives in your body.

And the reason you can't
feel your body

is 'cause she's frozen
in muscular contraction.

You have to release it,

in order to rec-- [sighs]

That's the feminine.

Relax your-- yes!

It hurts.

Yes, it does hurt.
Then let it go.

-Oh!
-You have to release it, baby.

The pain of that-- Yes!

Put your hand on where it hurts.

Oh, yeah.

OK, release it.

I don't care if it's difficult.

[chuckling] I can tell.

A lot of people start
their sex life with just sex.

Then they find out you're not
compatible at all.

And then they find out
they can't communicate

or negotiate, so you agree
not to have intercourse

until you agree that you are

sexually and socially monogamous

and you're going to build
the relationship.

It's about pacing,
growing a relationship.

That's the organic bit.

If you can imagine that
what you need is forgiveness

for all the times you said yes
when you meant no.

God! How many times was that?

You have to learn to say no
before you say yes.

That's the right way.

Know why you're choosing
who you're choosing

to be intimate with.

There's a part of you
that really wanted

to get your dad's attention,
and he was busy

and you didn't get that.

And I'm wondering if you've
used sexuality

as a means
of getting men's attention.

Yeah.

And...

because of your need
to feel needed,

you've allowed your boundaries
to be crossed.

Squeeze, hold for a moment.
Then exhale and bear down.

OK, so when you breathe
into your abdomen,

you're actually bringing
blood supply, nutrients, oxygen,

down into your vaginal muscles

and activating
your pelvic floor.

By doing that, you awaken
your sex center.

So I like to visualize
like I have roots

that grow down into the earth.

Pull forgiveness from the earth.

As if you could take
a deep breath of forgiveness

from the bottom of your spine.

Imagine that the Mother Earth
is giving it to you

and you let it fill your heart.

And I'm pulling up nutrients
from the earth into my vulva.

And then, as I'm exhaling,

I'm releasing the stuff I don't
want back into the earth.

And then you let that thread,
on the exhale, of forgiveness,

come from your heart

and you send the energy
into that chakra.

Hold for a moment.

And exhale.

Four-count inhale,
four-count exhale.

And breathe deeply
into your belly.

Do you think that then
we're still expecting

"them" to be responsible
for our state,

for our capacity to let go?

That's where I've been
my whole adult life

is, "Why can't you make me come?
What's wrong with you?"

People who found it bizarrely
difficult to talk about sex

were the people having it while
they were actually having it.

Because you're terrified
that if you say anything at all

about what is going on,

you will hurt
the other person's feelings,

you'll put them off you,
you'll derail the encounter.

You'll derail
the entire relationship.

I've successfully done
all of those things during sex.

-How about you?
-No.

But at the same time,
you want to please your partner,

so you'll seize your cues
from anywhere you can,

If the only cues were from porn,
those are the ones you'll take.

The problem is, most women know,

"I don't know
what I want you to do.

I just know that I don't want
what you're doing."

And so how do you then
begin the conversation

and be experimental
with each other,

so that you both get to win?

Love-making becomes
very awkward suddenly,

even with a partner who you've
been with for a long time,

and you have tremendous trust
and obviously have,

you know, profound feelings for,

you have to take a step back
and say,

"OK, I'm not going to do this
the way I've been doing it."

We're talking about
an entire reinvention of sex

as we know it.

What would be beautiful is
if each partner

was ready to be curious

and available to make discovery
about the other,

rather than assuming
we already know

everything there is to know.

I can totally empathize with
how enormously hard it is

to have that conversation,

because I will sleep
with a young guy

and I'll go, "OK, this has
got to be addressed."

Now, do I have
this conversation or not?

Because the moment I begin it,

the entire dynamic
is gonna change.

Then I'll go, no,
I have to do this

for every other woman
he will ever sleep with.

And, by the way,
we all have to do that.

I have never, ever, ever faked
an orgasm in my entire life.

I have.

No one teaches you to fake.
You just know.

It's like, "Oh, my God,
is he ever gonna stop?

OK, I'm gonna come now.
Here I go."

That's what we were taught
when I was a young woman.

It's good manners.

In my youth, to say that you
did not have orgasms in coitus

was to admit to a defect.

I felt like that:
for most of my life

I couldn't have
vaginal orgasms.

-I felt defective.
-Yeah.

I realize now, in retrospect,
that I was faking everything.

And I'm not just talking about
this fabulous faked orgasm,

which I have down, by the way.

I'm talking about...

faking my desire.

Hmm.

Faking...

the desire for my partner.

So what do you get
from faking your desire?

Their desire.

And if you evoke their desire,
how does that make you feel?

Desirable.

I think now I would rather
be real and undesirable

than fake and hot.

Do you think that women
know what they're doing

when it comes
to satisfying a man orally?

Uh, all that matters to me is

the one that does it to me
does it right.

It's OK to love sucking cock.

If you have to put a banana
in your mouth for 15 minutes

and enthusiastically suck it
and choke on it,

after three minutes, would you
still be enthusiastic

about sucking
on this big banana?

I do have an answer for that.

It's big, it's messy,
20 things happen.

You don't know when it's going
to like squirt at you.

So...

So I decided, I'm going
to fall in love with the penis.

Women! We must not be
embarrassed like this.

Must give better head!

Women love to give blow jobs

because they like to see
the guy helplessly entranced,

his eyes rolling back.

I was thinking, couldn't lingams
be very useful

in opening a woman's
throat chakra?

Yes, yes.

Almost all women

have lost
the capacity to really enjoy

all of the exquisite feelings
of the throat.

The throat is directly connected
to the vagina.

Even to the point that when
a woman is truly connected,

when her vagina contracts,
so does her throat.

Often, what is slow
or soft or gentle to a man

is still too fast for us.

Because a man doesn't have
the wiring yet

to go that slow and that gently

and still think
that anything's going to happen.

The thing I have to say
most often in bed is, "Slower."

Yes.

That is a function
of porn culture,

because men get the impression
it's all about the jackhammer.

Vrrrr! You know.

The second thing I have
to say is,

"Don't touch me down there

until I'm begging you
to touch me down there."

Yes!

Wiring, it's an erotic blueprint
that happens from,

I believe from birth.

It's based on your biochemistry,
your hormonal makeup.

It's based on your history
growing up.

So if you touch someone
who's energetically wired

on their genitals
before they're fully ignited,

it short-circuits them.

So they need to be ignited
through like not touching.

I'm energetically wired,
so, for example,

for many years,
I didn't understand myself.

I was like, something's
wrong with me.

I need to heal something.

I kept thinking, I'm broken,
as opposed to thinking,

no, I'm just wired
and these are my needs

before I can get sexual.

Catherine, for example,
is energetically wired,

so for her, Casper,
if he spends more time

sort of on
the outskirts of her,

that's where she's going to go
into her sensual self,

whereas very few women
are sexually wired

where it's like, let's go
straight for the kill.

So you speak energy,
she speaks sensuality.

And together we make
quite a team.

There are layers to touch,
so here's the first layer.

Do this, Catherine,
start way out here.

This is like going
directly to your clitoris.

I said I was
one giant clitoris.

I did, I already said it.

Breathe...

Allow yourself the deliciousness
of all of this

before you even get
to the elbow.

Like go so slow.

But why is it that I want
my lover to do this to me?

Well, because you're
sensation-wired.

-And why can't he?
-Because he's sexually wired.

It's not that he can't,

it's just that he doesn't
know how to.

As a man,
first of all, you touch me,

I know you touched me.

If you do it too light,
it's like...

it almost irritates me.

This is one of the downsides
of a woman

trying to do to a man
what a man does to her.

You're two different people.

Pleasure comes in all forms.

But we tend to have
a go-to expression.

Right? Because
we have a natural flavour.

She's a cool blonde,
you're a hot brunette.

A man's relationship to women
and sexuality

is like a woman's relationship
to shoes and clothing.

Your men are doomed to walking
into a clothing store

where every item is the same
color and the same cut.

If you're always brunette,

it's like he has to eat pizza
every day

and wear the same clothes
day and night.

The impulse for variety in us
will never go away.

If we could have one outfit
for the rest of our lives,

we'd kill ourselves.

When we first met,
I would go straight from the set

to his restaurant,
and I'd still be in costume.

You're right,
the way he reacted to me

was as though I was
a different woman each time.

Yes, because you were.

I was, right, and now that I'm
wrapped with the show,

I wouldn't possibly wear
those outfits, I'm dull.

-You're a pizza every evening.
-I'm the pizza.

Most of us have learned to
become this tiny little sliver.

Because I thought that's how

you hold onto your integrity
sexually, but that's not true.

Your partner looks at someone
and there's sexual attraction.

And I think it's funny 'cause
some people still act shocked.

They're like, "Oh, my God,
if you really loved me,

you wouldn't be looking
at so-and-so."

I say that all the time.
Busted.

"If you really loved me,
you wouldn't look at her ass."

Well, that's ridiculous
because we're animals.

Instead of, "I can't believe
you're looking

at this other dude,"
it's like, you know,

"What is it
about this attraction

that we can apply
to our connection?

What is it about him
that you're finding appealing

that might be missing with us."

If anything, I feel nervous
about being vulnerable,

you know, to someone
like that emotionally

and digging deep into
some trauma that may be in me,

but mostly just excited
about that, too.

You have a lot of innocence
and yearning and hope, right?

Bring it to me, yeah.
Bring it...

Bring it into your body. Yes!

Keep looking at me, though.
Yeah.

When you close right now,
it's easier,

and I'm gonna make it harder
for you.

-Thanks.
-Yeah.

Now, find pleasure right there.

-There you go.
-Oh, it's so painful.

You gotta let it go, yeah.
You can sob it.

And I'll hold you
if you want me to.

Let it go.

Yeah, sob it.
Yeah, sob it.

Sob it.
You're not making any noise.

-Let it go.

-[sobbing]
-Let it go.

Let it go.

That's it, more.
Feel I'm touching, right here.

Let it go here, yes.
Now here.

Did you feel the places
I touched on your body

and all of the sudden
it melted into your feminine?

That's your feminine.

Enjoy the sensuality of tears.

Now do a little sensation.

Touch your face, and just notice
how that feels

while you're doing that.

Good. What are you aware of?

When you're ready to talk.

What do you notice in your body?

Oh, me?

I'm pointing at you because
she was lost.

Did you notice,
she was completely lost

in just the sensation
of her arm.

Yeah, I was realizing
that my body

is, in fact,
attached to my head.

Yeah, they are connected
after all.

It's so beautiful for me
to witness someone

who feels dissociated
from their body,

who feels unsafe, to gradually
come into the experience

of their body safely
and to be able

to open themselves
to intimacy,

knowing that
they're fully centered,

they're able to be
and stay in their body.

In my old thinking, an orgasm
has to happen to me.

But it is something that I have
to do for myself.

But I never understood that.

Because you have
all these tactile receptors,

if I know how
to activate them all,

you take off.

I could actually bring you
to orgasm and never touch you.

I feel excited.

As a man comes to understand
energetic love making,

he realizes
that he makes contact

with the woman

long before he ever
physically touches her.

And that becomes the basis

of his ability to make love
to her 24/7.

So just to start out,
I'm just gonna...

gently come in and make contact
with her body.

When I was waving my hand
over her,

I had already made contact
with her energy field.

So the body is like

the gross level of her.

And the energy field out here is
like the subtle level of her.

So I was making contact with
the subtle layer of her energy.

And as I'm moving my hand,

I'm actually moving
that layer of energy.

So she feels me waving
back and forth

in that layer of energy
in her field.

Actually making love
to her without...

direct contact at first.

And then at a certain point,
her body starts to take on

the natural undulating wave
that energy has.

So then at that point,
I can just

dance with her, play with her,
stay in tune with her,

and she just kind of rides
the wave of her own energy.

Let's be aroused
by the entire body.

But then
let's actually be aroused

by everything about my partner.

It's about the utter,
unique specificity

of me meeting you

and me receiving all of you,
everything.

Your entire childhood,
all of your pain,

your brokenness, right?

Everything that went wrong,
taking it into my body,

receiving it, transforming it,
opening it.

Fucking it open and giving you
everything that I am,

all of my ecstasy
and all of my joy,

and the passion of my life
and my brokenness

and everything that is me.

And I'm giving it to you
and saying, "Fuck me open."

So, here's the crazy thing.

A, it's really really, really,
really sad

that it's so hard
to get to this place.

And B, once you've been there,
you...

everything changes
because you can't go back.

It's so hard making
that transition

so that you can surrender enough
to experience your femininity.

The minute you're with a man
and they're giving you the thing

that they know you want that you
didn't even know that you want,

they become
immediately trustworthy.

And suddenly that man
becomes a god.

Your body has been having
to listen to your mind.

Your mind has been telling
your body

what it is,
what it's capable of,

what it's not capable of,

and...

so...

I had to work through my body
not listening to my mind.

I have a secret,
I know the secret.

And I am the secret.

But ironically, we all have
the same secret.

Yes.

That emotional breakthrough
was amazing!

Celebrate!

-What?!

There you go, let your head go,
let your head go.

Yes!

OK, baby, that was gorgeous.

So, Nityama was doing

I guess what would be considered
a couple's session,

and what happened
was extraordinary.

And Shareef was able
to be responsible

for sending me
into this place of

what I could describe as bliss,
just pure bliss.

At a certain point,
Shareef had his hand

under my left shoulder

and Nityama had his hand
under my right.

And it felt like
I was being nurtured, by men,

which is very rare.

And then I felt this...

this connection
coming from my left,

which is where Shareef was.

I felt this sudden
deep connection

just for a second.

And then all of a sudden,
his fingertips

went like this along my throat,

and I...

lost it.

I mean, literally lost it

I lost all sense of restraint
and judgement...

and I just went
into this extraordinary

full-body experience
where I felt

nothing but self-love
just pouring into my body,

all around my genitals and down
into my beautiful thighs,

and there was no cellulite
involved whatsoever.

Down into my gorgeous legs
and my fucking amazing feet,

and all the way back into
my flat beautiful six-pack.

This was my experience.

You know, into these beautiful
bodacious breasts

and these fabulous petals
of nipples

and into my neck and my arms,
my capable brilliant hands

and into my mind that was just
this flowing lotus flower.

I mean, I was just in this place
of like pure self-love.

And I was so excited that I was
able to do it,

which was spurring it on
even more.

I was just like,
"Here we are, here we are!

It does work, it does work!
I am perfect!

I'm not flawed."

In all of us
there's a virgin,

and the virgin means integrity.

Do you think that that part is
inside each of us

and cannot be perpetrated?

It cannot be.

That's the piece
that I connected with,

that, for the first time
in my life, I felt

what it was like
to feel perfect.

Me too.

Rolling.

Look at the light bouncing off.

The light bouncing off his hat?

You can kind of see
everything more in-depth.