Original subtitles

Well, Pop, I'm all ready to go fishing, man.

That's great, son.

Mexico, one week. Great.

With Rollo.

You know, Rollo could catch anything.

I know it.

I've seen some of the girls he goes out with.

What you gonna be doing while I'm gone, Pop?

Well, I've figured out a schedule, here,

for every day of the week.

Oh, yeah, well, I'm just glad

you're not gonna pull

that old heart attack routine on me.

Let me take a look at that, Pop.

Okay, "Monday, join the Lonely Old Men's Club.

"Tuesday, call the hospital and send for an ambulance."

"Wednesday, pull the old heart attack routine."

I'm gonna tell you something, Pop.

I'm not gonna go for it, man,

because I haven't had a vacation in a long time,

and I'm not gonna let you ruin this one for me.

You're right, son.

I mean, you've been working hard,

and you deserve some time off.

I mean that.

Well, what you gonna do while I'm gone?

To keep yourself busy, I mean.

What do you mean, keep myself busy?

Well, I really don't expect you

to make any money on the business

while I'm gone.

What?

You don't expect me to make any money

while you're gone?

How do you...

Where do you think I got all this stuff from,

the good fairy?

Okay, I'll tell you what.

I'll bet you $20 that while I'm gone,

you don't make one cent profit on this business.

I won't make any profit. Are you kidding?

Listen, I am the big biz whiz of Watts.

You're the big biz whiz of Watts, huh?

Allow me to introduce myself...

J. Paul Ghetto.

So it's a bet?

20 bucks.

Bet to you.

Come on in!

Hey...

Hey, Pops, how's it going?

Uh, everything will be in order,

as soon as you have crossed the border.

Hey, man, why don't you dig yourself?

Hey, man, it's cool.

It just goes in one ear and out the other.

That's because you ain't got nothing in your head

to slow it down.

Hey, come on, Rollo, let's go, man.

Yeah. Bon voyage, Pops.

So long, Pop.

And "bon garbage" to you too.

We don't have time for that.

We're going fishing.

Nobody botherin' me.

Funny...

Me not making any money while you gone...

I won't make no profit.

Shucks, I can make money just like that...

Well, I can make money fast.

All I have to do is, uh... is, uh...

And then I'll, uh...

And after I finish doing...

Before I do anything, I'll watch some TV.

I got it!

Fred G. Sanford. G must be for "genius."

Hello. Is this the L.A. Times?

Let me speak to Ellie.

Hello, Ellie? This is Fred Sanford.

Yeah, I want to put another ad in paper...

about a room. Yeah.

Uh, "Manly furnished room for rent.

"Separate and equal toilet privileges.

"On a clear day, you can see the window.

"One week only. 20 bucks."

Huh?

No, no, no, it's not for Sanford Arms.

I'll give you a clue.

Uh, when you want yourself some extra money,

rent out the room that belonged to your sonny.

Yeah. Bye.

♪ Gets along From May to December ♪

♪ And... the days... ♪

one plant of new life... News.

News.

..deploying all combat forces from Thailand...

News.

Frozen.

I'll get it! I'll get... Oh.

Hello, Fred.

Donna!

Your lip's as cold as ice.

Well, come and help me thaw them out.

Oh, wait a minute, Fred.

I just stopped by after work.

May I come in?

Sure, come on in.

Uh, now, let's see...

Hello?

What?

Oh, about the room.

Well, yeah. Yeah.

Uh, you're a trucker,

and you want the room for one night?

Well, keep on truckin'.

What was that all about?

Well, see, I got a bet with Lamont.

He bet me that I wouldn't make no money

while he was in Mexico.

You know, so I'm gonna rent his room out.

Oh, honey, now, is that fair?

Fair?

At 20 bucks a week?

Let's see, where were we?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, see there?

Between the chin and the nose

is where the lips goes.

Ah...

Hey, go away!

Fred... The occupant is occupied!

Fred, answer the door.

Answer the door.

Oh, just my kind of luck.

Knockus interruptus.

Hi!

Uh, how are the both of you?

Um, are you Fred G. Sanford?

Yes, and the G is not for "gynecologist."

Uh, where's your husband?

Oh, he's, well... Fred...

invite the young lady in.

Uh, come in...

But, see, I won't be able to rent you the room

in your condition. Why not?

Well, you know, I hate surprise packages,

and looks like she's figuring to come unwrapped.

Sit down, honey.

Thank you.

What's your name?

Louella.

Oh, Louella, that's a pretty name.

When's your baby due?

In about six weeks.

Oh, see, Fred, you got nothing to worry about.

What if the baby ain't got no calendar?

Please, honey, just one week.

Aw, she needs kindness,

and you're a kind, kind man.

Okay, kindly take the first room on the left.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Sanford.

Oh, I don't want that.

Don't do that to me.

All right, Bubba, you wanted to play Scrabble.

Go on and move.

Oh, don't rush me, Fred.

Well... why don't you go on and give up?

No, Fred.

Hey, looks like I got something here.

Yeah. Let me see, here.

I got a seven-letter word.

Wow! A 50-point word, and I win the game.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Bubba.

Ain't no such word as "gezinta."

Sure there is.

No, wait a minute, I told you,

and I ain't gonna tell you no more,

there's no such word as "gezinta."

There is so.

It's an arithmetic word.

Gezinta?

Sure.

Two gezinta four. Four gezinta eight...

Are you kidding? You're trying to cheat.

I ain't going for that stuff.

And five goes-inta your lips.

Hi, Mr. Sanford. Mr. Bexley.

Oh, hi.

How's the Scrabble game going?

I won.

Gezinta?

See, two gezinta four...

Will you shut up, Bubba!

I made some dessert for you.

Oh, good.

Get that phone for me.

Hello?

Oh, yeah.

Long distance from Mexico.

Uh-oh.

Uh, hello?

Hey, Pop, who was that girl that just answered the phone?

I can't understand. It must be a bad connection.

Well, there's no bad connection.

I know a bad connection when I hear it.

Listen, honey, would you connect me with my son.

There must be some trouble here.

Would you stop it. Now, a girl answered the phone.

There's a girl in that house with you,

and I would like to know who it is.

Son, it ain't no girl. It's, uh, it's Bubba.

Bubba?

Yes, Bubba.

Hello, Lamont.

How are you, darling?

I'll talk to you later, Son. Bye.

Thank you, Bubba.

You're welcome, sweetheart.

Oh, shut up.

Dessert'll be ready in just a second.

You know, Fred, Louella's a nice person.

She is nice.

You know, for the last three days,

she's been fixing my food

and scrubbing the floors

and the windows and everything.

Wonderful.

Yeah, but Fred, she's gonna deliver a baby.

Well, what she does in her spare time,

I ain't got nothing to do with that.

I made your favorite, Mr. Sanford.

No, you didn't.

Wow. Chocolate sundae

with whipped cream and nuts and a married Chinese cherry.

Oh, wow!

Yup, it's got all that in it,

plus it's got one of my favorites in it.

Well, I think I'm going to bed now.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Goodnight, Louella. Thanks.

Hey, she does have one of her favorites in it.

Hmm?

You want my pickle?

No. You want mine?

Mr. Sanford?

Mr. Sanford... Mr. Sanford, wake up.

Wake up, Mr. Sanford.

Wake up, I think it's time.

Yes. The late show. Turn it on. Turn it on.

No, Mr. Sanford, I'm talking about my baby.

Turn it off. Turn it off.

I can't help it.

The pains are coming closer and closer together.

Mine too.

Oh, Mr. Sanford.

This might be the big one.

Oh, Mr. Sanford, please.

Well, sit down.

I'll call Donna. She'll know what to do.

Donna's not home, and Lamont's got the truck.

Hello, operator.

Emergency, get me the police, please.

There's about to be a breakout.

Come in! Come in!

Yeah, send them over to 92...

Wow. That sure was fast.

Yeah. Buenos noches, Mr. Sanford.

Listen, I was just cruising by in my cruiser,

and I thought it unusual

that your lights burning this late at night, so...

Yeah, Hoppy, I'm in big trouble.

Uh, Louella.

Oh, how do you do, Louella? Officer Hopkins, L.A.P.D.

Our motto, "Protect and Serve,"

but I see it's too late to protect.

So... How can I serve you?

She's going to have a baby any minute.

We've gotta get her to the hospital.

You mean now? She's gonna have...

Yeah, let's get her to the hospital.

Well, once again, into the breech, dear friends...

Oh, no!

No, I didn't mean that.

Uh, do you have a bag or something

that you'd like to...?

I'll move that chair.

Ah, here it is.

Oh, golly, Louella,

I can't tell you how thrilled I am

to be a part of this.

If it'll make you feel any better,

I am specially trained to deliver a child

should the emergency arise,

and since the emergency has arisen,

I want you to know that I'm gonna react to this

in just the way I was prepared to do.

Attention. Attention, please.

This is Officer Hopkins speaking!

I radioed ahead for a wheelchair.

Oh, yes. There it is.

Sir, that chair is to take the lady into the delivery room.

Okay, well, just me... Get me one of them stretchers.

Just get right in there.

Here, take this.

Don't mash the baby.

Okay, well, well, Mr. Sanford,

I've... I've got to get back to my beat now,

so I'll just leave you to handle everything here,

and I will handle everything out there.

Sir, would you come over here, please?

For what?

There are some forms I'd like you to fill out.

I just brought you a form here,

took nine months to fill out.

Your name, please.

Fred G. Sanford.

G is for "Goodbye."

Mr. Sanford...

What is your relationship to the patient?

I didn't touch that woman.

You mean you're not the husband?

No, there is no husband.

Bye.

Mr. Sanford, I have to ask some questions

when a woman comes to us out of wedlock.

I don't care if the woman came out of El Segundo.

Don't look at me.

Now, I have the patient listed here as Louella Evans.

Do you know what the name of the father is?

Uh... Chickened Out.

Listen, buddy, I've had a long, hard day.

I've seen broken bones,

bruises, contusions, and fractures,

and the last thing I need is a cranky old man

who ought to sue Mother Nature for malpractice of the mouth.

I really don't need none of your lip,

Mrs. Florence Nightenbuzzard.

I didn't ask to be here.

I'm not surprised.

You're probably not asked to go anywhere.

Wait a minute.

Didn't I see you on TV in Medical Story?

Didn't you play a bedpan?

Now, why don't you just go into the waiting room,

pick up a magazine,

and stuff it in your mouth.

Hey, buddy, give me a cigarette.

Yeah, sure.

Good.

Hey, man!

You really are nervous.

This your first one?

No, I've been smoking for years.

This is my third. It's always the same.

Here, have a cigar.

Take two.

No, really, man,

is your wife really having a baby?

At your age?

No, see, it's not my wife.

It's just a girl who's living with me.

You're kidding.

You sly old buzzard, you.

No, wait a minute. You got me wrong.

Let me explain it to you. See...

Mr. Sanford...

Would you step over here?

Excuse me, fellas.

Now, you are the acting father

for the Evans baby.

I ain't acting for no-no-no baby.

Let him watch TV like all the rest of the kids.

Since the real father is missing,

I have to give you a lesson

in how to change the baby.

Into what?

Observe.

Pick up the diaper, stretch it.

Pick the child up, set her in the center,

a little powder, pull through.

Turn this down.

Now, pick up the tape and press,

and pick up the tape on this side and press.

Now, you try it.

All right.

Jump up on the table.

Well, I never!

Not with anybody in his right mind.

Change that baby!

What are you doing?

Take off the...

Put the baby in the center, and powder it...

Mr. Sanford... Mr. Sanford!

And then... That's enough!

You take the baby, and put...

No... Take off the tape.

What are you doing?

And pull... Off the tape...

Congratulations, Mr. Sanford,

it's a baby boy.

Hey, how about that!

Congratulations, man!

A man your age.

Still virile.

Virile!

Still got what it takes!

Still hot stuff!

Yeah.

What do you say, Mr. Sanford, huh?

What do you say?

Have a cigar.

Have a cigar.

How about that.

Hey, man, I said I was sorry.

Just keep your voice down, Rollo.

It's 3:00 in the morning, and besides that,

I'm a little upset about what happened.

Hey, man, I'm sorry.

I want to tell you, man, my idea of a double date

is not a girl for you and her mother for me.

I mean, you get the hot tamale,

and I get the chili dog.

What was that?

I don't know. I thought it was you.

Hello, son. Hello, Rollo.

Hey, Pop. Goodbye, Rollo.

Yeah.

Ooh, I'll see you, son.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Yeah, son. Shh, not too much noise.

What are you doing?

I'm testing this.

Ow!

Shh! Shh!

Pop, what are you doing down here

in the middle of the night with a baby bottle?

Son, if I told you, you ain't gonna believe me.

I'll tell you.

See, this afternoon, at exactly quarter after 4:00,

Bubba started his second childhood.

You're right, I don't believe you.

Well, I can't lie to you, son.

There's a baby in the house.

No kidding.

Yeah, I can explain it, though.

It's my fault, but I can explain...

Oh, hello, Lamont.

You mean to tell me

you and Donna had a baby?

I don't believe it.

Come on, Lamont.

Uh, Listen, but we have something to tell you.

Don't tell me. Tell the Guinness Book of Records.

Lamont... While you were away,

your father rented your room out to a young lady,

and she had a baby.

Oh, thank you.

She had a baby in my room?

No, son, she didn't have the baby in the room,

she had the baby at the hospital,

and we brought her and the baby home.

Well, how long they gonna be here?

Uh, not long. How long?

U-u-until the baby graduates from high school.

I'll get it.

Is this the Sanford residence?

Yeah.

I'm Don Evans, Louella's husband.

Oh... it's the invisible man.

The hospital told me she was staying here.

Where is she?

She's upstairs. First room to the left.

Well, congratulations, Pop.

Congratulations for what?

You've reached the bottom, man.

Not only did you rent my room

without asking my permission,

but you rented it to a girl for one week

when you know she needed longer than that,

and now that I'm back home, what's the poor girl gonna do?

You don't care about anything, Pop.

You don't care about nothing.

I do care, son...

I don't want to talk about it.

Oh, well, I...

Mr. Sanford, I owe you my gratitude.

Oh, you don't owe me nothing.

Yes, I do.

You see, last week,

Louella and I had a terrible argument,

and I let her leave the house without stopping her.

I was just stupid.

If it weren't for you,

I hate to think what might have happened to her.

Well, what did he do? He took your $20.

No, Lamont, I think you ought to know

that your father went with Louella to the hospital

in the middle of the night,

stayed with her until the baby was born,

visited her and brought her home again,

without knowing when or if her husband would show up.

Well, she deserved it.

I mean, after all, she was renting a room here.

Mr. Sanford, thanks for everything.

Louella and I are going to leave now.

I love you, Mr. Sanford.

I don't like that stuff.

Watch the baby's back. Okay.

Hey, hey, just-just- just wait a minute.

Just a moment.

I almost forgot. My $20?

Hey, Pop, I don't think you should...

Hey, you keep out of this, now.

I'll handle this myself.

Here you go.

Yeah, thank you very much.

You see, son,

I did make a profit while you was in Mexico,

so you lose your bet.

Here. Here's something for the baby.

Come on. Come on. Take it. Take it.

A-and, son, you mind paying the bet off now?

It'll be my pleasure, Pop.

All right, then.

Here you go.

And here's something from my son for the baby.

Yeah.

Buy something nice for him.

Thank you both. Goodbye, now.

Hey, Pop, you're something else.

Now, wait a minute, son, you'll mash my cigars.

Here, have a cigar.

All right.

Donna, have a cigar.

Ah, what the hell.

Oh, hi, Lamont.

Oh, hi, Donna. Hey, look at this.

I got a telegram from Louella and Don Evans

naming Pop the godfather of their baby.

How about that?

Oh! Isn't that wonderful.

Yeah.

Say, does Fred know he's the godfather?

Son...

He knows.

He knows.