Original subtitles

Hey, Pop?

I'm in here, son.

Hey, Pop. Lunch ready?

Yeah, you're gonna love it.

I got the recipe from the Cavorting Connoisseur.

Here it is right here.

You're gonna love it, I telling you!

What is it?

What you want it to be?

Somebody else's lunch.

Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo?

In here, Mrs. Hopkins.

Oh! Oh.

Good afternoon, Lamont, Mr. Sanford.

I just stopped over to borr...

Oh, I see you have been watching the Cavorting Connoisseur, yes?

It's an old Southern recipe, Louisiana Quiche.

The Connoisseur calls it Louisiana Quiche,

but I call it Oklahoma Crud.

That's crude.

Crude crud, ain't it?

Oh, well, I'm... I'm having a little get-together this week

for some of the ladies in the neighborhood.

Oh, at the Sanford Arms?

Yes. Correct. Yes. It's sort of a...

Get-to-know-your-minority party.

I wondered if I might borrow a bowl for my potato chips?

Oh, sure. I've got one right here.

Oh. Good.

There you go. How about that?

That's fine. Than... Oh! Mr. Sanford...

Mr. Sanford, my bathtub is backing up again.

Now, what do you suggest?

I suggest you get in it, take it out of reverse,

and drive it off a cliff.

Well, I never!

Try it. You'll like it.

Oh!

Oh!

Why don't you sit down and have your lunch?

You expect me to eat that?

It could be worse.

How?

You could expect me to eat it.

I'll grab myself a Fatburger after the next delivery.

I'll tell you something...

No, no. Wait a second. One day...

I'm going to come in this house,

and you're gonna fix a decent meal for me.

Is that today's mail?

Yeah, that's today's mail.

I sorted it already.

Yeah... These... these go to you.

And these go to me.

And this one goes in the filing cabinet.

Goodbye, bill.

Oh, wow! It came, Pop!

I've been waiting for this for weeks.

Man, I've been accepted.

Accepted?

Oh, your adoption papers.

Somebody's gonna take you off my hands.

No, Pop. Well... You remember Lee Ginsberg?

He came down to the Y a few weeks ago,

and he saw me in one of my acting classes,

and he said I was terrific, Pop. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, and he's accepted me into his workshop.

It's an honor to study with Lee Ginsberg, Pop.

I mean, he's a fabulous teacher, and besides that,

he developed an entirely new method of acting.

"Tuition, $200."

He developed an entire new method of robbery.

The class starts next Wednesday.

I hope I have enough money saved.

Listen, wait a minute.

Remember, that money in there,

some of that's my money in there

for the work that I did.

I know, Pop, and you deserve a fair share

for the work you do around here.

Tell me something.

Here's a dime.

168... 169... 170.

I'm $30 short,

but I think I can have the money

by next Wednesday.

Well, listen, son, why don't you forget about

this old Ginsberg guy?

I can teach you more about acting than he can.

Oh, sure you can.

Sure I can! Give me that money.

Hey, would you give me my money back?

Listen. See that?

I got you acting like a guy who just lost $170.

Stop it. Now, look.

Pop, I just want to tell you,

I know this doesn't mean anything to you,

and $200 is an awful lot of money, but...

This is very important to me, Pop, and I hope you understand.

Listen, Lamont, you're my son. I do understand.

Good.

Thanks a lot, Pop.

And I can't wait

to see you starring in your first movie...

"Deep Dummy."

Oh, hi, Hutch. Hi, Lamont.

See you later, Pop.

Hi, Fred. Hiya, Hutch.

What's that awful smell?

Oh, it's a recipe I got from the Cavorting Connoisseur.

Would you like to have some?

I don't think so. I think you burned it.

Well, put some Solarcaine on it, you won't know the difference.

Hey, that reminds me.

The Cavorting Connoisseur is on right now.

And that's it for today's edition

of the Cavorting Connoisseur.

We missed it.

I do hope you enjoyed the show,

especially Mrs. Waterford's household hint...

How to make sour cream in your own home.

You wanna know how to make sour cream in your own home?

You get some skim milk

and hold it up in front of Esther's face.

Goodbye, everybody.

See you next time.

See you, Cavorting!

Don't touch that dial!

How would you like to make some easy money?

Easy money?

He's reading our minds, Fred.

Are you tired of not having any money at all?

Now he's reading our pockets.

Why don't you be a Whopper Chopper salesman?

Simply call 555-9191

and our representative will come out and show you

how this do-all food chopper can improve your lot in life.

Yeah, I got a lot to improve.

No obligation.

Call now and learn how you too can earn easy money.

Oh, that ends it. That guy's crazy.

Ain't no such thing as easy money.

Oh, I wouldn't say that, Fred.

You know, my cousin became

one of those Whopper Chopper salesmen,

and he made over $400.

$400?

In only 10 days.

$400 in 10 days, that's $40 a day.

I haven't seen that kind of money since...

since, uh... since...

Ain't never seen that kind of money!

What'd you say that number was?

Hey, wait a minute, Fred!

Now, my cousin is a great salesman.

I don't think you can do as good as he could.

I can sell anything to anybody at any time, any where.

Hah, hah!

Hah-hah-hell!

Let's see.

If he gives me a hundred Whopper Choppers

at $1.75 apiece... that's... $175.00.

And I'll sell them for $6.75...

And that makes my profit...

Let's see... 432 divided by 81 goes into 719 over...

Yeah, okay, okay.

Hello?

Yes, yes! Speak! Oh.

Coming, coming, coming..

Four billion...

Good morning, good morning, good morning!

Are you one Fred Sanford?

Yes. I... Good to see you!

My name is Danny Taylor,

and I'm your Whopper Chopper representative,

and I'm here to tell you...

♪ Da-da, da-da-da-dah! ♪

♪ A Whopper Chopper man Is hard to beat ♪

♪ He looks 100 per... From head to feet ♪

♪ He's got a smile, a style A winning way ♪

♪ No matter where you go You'll recognize him ♪

♪ And you'll say ♪

♪ Now there's a man I'd like to know ♪

♪ He has that good old Whopper up-and-go ♪

♪ And just to look at him Is quite a treat ♪

♪ It's hard to beat A Whopper Chopper man ♪

Well, just sign here, Mr. Sanford.

Sure. These must be your papers to declare you legally insane.

No, sir, Mr. Sanford.

See, those are just the contracts.

See, I'm gonna make you a rich man.

Well, that's what I want to hear about.

Uh, sit down.

Well, thank you very much, sir. Thank you.

Oh... Not in my seat!

Yes, sir, yes, sir, a rich, rich, R-I-C-H

rich man.

Hey, let me make you comfortable.

Sit right there.

Thank you.

Well, there she is, Mr. Sanford.

The Whopper Chopper.

She dices, slices, minces, chops, and grates.

She's the wonder of the century.

She's sleek. She's streamlined.

And she's inexpensive.

Is she free Friday night?

Cute.

Cute, Mr. Sanford.

Well, look, I've got

the rest of your Whopper Choppers in my car.

I'll just stack them up out back.

Now, let me see, that's 100 Whopper Choppers

at $1.75 apiece.

That's 175 smackeroos.

Well, as soon as I sell a hundred Whopper Choppers

for $6.75 apiece, I'll give you your $175.

Uh-uh-uh, Mr. Sanford.

You see, my policy is C.O.D... Cash on delivery.

Well, now, that's a good policy, but try my policy... H.I.D.

H.I.D.?

Yeah. "Have it in December."

I'm sorry, Mr. Sanford.

I guess we just can't do business.

Good to see you.

Hey, wait a minute!

Well, you know what?

I'll just have to sell these to Mr. Lewis across town.

Let me see... this is his fourth order.

Fourth order? Right.

You see, he's already made $1600 selling Whopper Choppers,

and you could too,

but, well, if you don't have the money...

I didn't say I didn't have the money.

Here, take the contract.

I got the money. It's my son's money.

See, it's my money once removed, and I gonna have to remove it.

Well, Mr. Sanford, just remember,

it takes money to make money.

Well, let me think a second.

I thought.

Hey, look out there.

Should I or shouldn't I?

I'm, uh, waiting, Mr. Sanford.

Give me a minute. I'm trying to decide.

He'll kill me.

He'll kill me not.

He'll kill me.

He'll kill me not.

Uh, I'm talking about $1600, Mr. Sanford.

He'll kill me, but I'll die rich.

Here's the money.

Thank you, sir,

and here's your Whopper Choppers.

And Mr. Sanford, thank you very much for the money.

Believe me. You won't regret it.

Uh-huh.

Good to see you.

Hey, Pop, who's that dude?

What's in the box?

What box?

Oh, in the box. Um...

♪ Fa la la-la La la la-la ♪

Here's your Christmas present.

And don't open it up till the 25th of December.

Whopper Choppers?

The television commercial!

Pop, you didn't!

No, I swear I didn't.

Take my lie for it.

You gave that dude my tuition money

for those Whopper Choppers.

You stole my money!

Don't say that.

I mean, when I sell the Whopper Choppers,

I'll give you your money back,

and I'll have enough money to give you

that 30 bucks extra you need.

But it's stealing, Pop.

No, it ain't.

It's stealing with interest.

The banks do it all the time.

You stole my money, man.

You knew how much that acting class meant to me.

Well, I'll get it back.

Pop, if I don't have that money by Wednesday, man,

I'm splitting. I'm leaving.

Oh, son, don't say that.

I mean, after all I've done for you.

Well, stop doing things for me, man.

How come every time you do something ridiculous,

it's for me?

It's never for you.

And if I don't get that money, Pop,

you will have messed up a great opportunity for me,

and I'm not gonna let you do it anymore.

I didn't know that acting class

meant more to you than your sick old father

who's been taking care of you

for 35 years with arthritis.

Don't you understand, Pop?

It's not just the acting lessons.

This is the last straw, man.

If I let you get away with this,

there's no telling what you'll do next.

Wait a minute, son. Be reasonable. Be reas...

Oh, shucks!

If Lamont leaves, I'll die.

I'll die.

What am I gonna do?

Freddie's life's gone down the drain.

God pulled out the stopper.

He stole money from his only son...

For these lousy Whopper Choppers.

You really think you're gonna sell

some of those Whopper Choppers

at the party?

Well, I'd better, because I only got two days

to get Lamont's money back.

You said you could sell anything just by turning on the charm.

Yeah, and I turned on my charm,

and the people turned on their sprinklers.

You mean you didn't even sell one Whopper Chopper?

Not one.

Well, you'd better move fast

if you don't want Lamont to move out.

Yeah, well, I don't want him to move out.

He might be a dummy,

but he's the only dummy I've got.

I'll get it. See you later, Fred.

Okay, Hutch.

Good evening, ladies.

Oh, hello there. How are you?

Mr. Sanford, you dear, dear man.

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate

your allowing us to use your home

for this little get-together.

Well, make yourselves at home.

My door's always open.

Have a seat, ladies.

Hi, Mr. Sanford.

Oh, hello, Janet. How's your husband?

Oh, he's fine.

Hey, how long you been married now?

Three weeks.

Three weeks.

Mm-hmm.

I remember when I was married three weeks.

I said to my son, Lamont...

Lamont! Oh, ho, ho!

Oh, Mr. Sanford!

Oh, ho, ho. Oh, Mr. Sanford.

You are a caution,

and I might add, a very, very gracious host.

Not only a gracious host,

but I'm supplying the free entertainment.

Oh, splendid! How interesting!

Yes.

Well, wha...

Hey, wait a minute. What's the matter with you?

Why you crying?

This is the first time

me and Roger have been apart since we got married.

Well, what are you crying for? You ought to be happy.

You need the rest.

Now, I want you to pay close attention

because you'll never see this again in your life.

You will be amazed!

Now, this is an onion.

Amazing.

I want you to notice there is nothing up my sleeve,

and there is a hat, and there is nothing in the hat,

so forget the hat.

Here's what I want to talk about...

The Whopper Chopper.

Here it is, ladies!

I want you to look at this Whopper Chopper.

This little gadget you can have for the low, low price of $6.75.

$6.75.

You just take an onion and drop it right in there,

like this,

and all you have to do is turn the han...

And grab... wait a minute.

Wait, wait... Oh!

Oh! Oh... Oh, my goodness.

You need a safety catch.

Mine has a safety catch on it.

You got one of these?

Oh, yes, indeed. We all have one.

You see, Mrs. Miller

had a Whopper Chopper party last week.

We all bought one.

You mean none of you ladies are gonna buy a Whopper Chopper?

What has that to do with the party?

Come, let us get on with the magic.

Oh, you want magic?

Yes!

All right, now's my disappearing trick.

Mr. Sanford,

can you really make yourself disappear?

Not me. You.

Me!

Her. All of them... Out of the house!

Come on.

Grab your cookies.

Get on out of here, all of you.

Get out of here.

Get out of here before I saw all of you in half...

Now is the time.

And here it is.

Your Cavorting Connoisseur has done it again...

Duck à l'Orange.

Smells positively scrumptious.

Isn't that gorgeous?

Hey, Hutch, this must be the place here.

Hey, you know what?

There's a dead duck in this building.

Fred. Huh?

Do you really know what you're doing?

Listen, Hutch, I gotta get rid

of these Whopper Choppers,

and this is my last resort.

Where are you going?

Where am I going?

Up in the crowd, where everybody is.

In the audience? In the audience.

Excuse me. Pardon me, ma'am.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Will you please?

Not for all the money on earth.

In just a moment, I'll be inviting

one of you lucky people in the audience

to join me in this marvelous repast.

But, right now,

let's take time out for a commercial message.

30 seconds, Cavorting.

Mr. Connoisseur.

Hi, Danny. How are you?

Great. Couldn't be better.

Hey, I just wanted to tell you

what a pleasure it is to be running our commercials

on your program.

Whopper Chopper sales have tripled.

Happy to help.

Hey, listen, it's our pleasure.

Tape is rolling.

I'll see you later.

Talk to you later. Right.

And we are back.

Well, who is going to be my dining companion today?

I will!

No, you won't.

I will, I will.

You sit down.

You need to go on a diet and lose weight.

I will! I will! I will! I will!

How you feeling?

Hey, Hutch, I told you

there was a dead duck in here!

Come on. Sit down. Let's eat.

Just a moment, sir. Just a moment.

My, you must be ravenous.

Good bread. Good meat. I'm a Baptist. Let's eat.

Would you mind telling me your name first?

Fred G. Sanford.

And if you got any, the G is for gravy.

Nice to meet you, Fred.

I take it you like duck.

I can take it or leave it.

It's for my baby.

Your baby?

Little Lamont.

Duck à l'Orange for an infant, Mr. Sanford?

Shouldn't he be eating baby food?

Yes. Well, you don't think I'd take a drumstick

and shove it down his throat, do you?

His food has to be chopped, and sliced, and diced,

and... and that's why I'm here.

Pureed. Pureed.

I love a pureed.

I love a parade.

See, this what I want to show you here.

This Whopper Chopper. Lookit here, folks.

For a low, low price, it smashes,

it slices, it dices,

it does everything in the home.

All you do is just turn the handle...

Wait a minute, now.

Isn't this fun?

Here, Fred, let me help you.

Oh, no, I'll do it myself.

.0..In the whole world,

you take a whole duck and chop it right down...

Wait a minute!

Hold on, folks.

The Whopper Chopper.

Please get one of these

for the low, low price.

Just call me at 555-1079.

And I give blue-chip stamps.

And se habla espanol.

Call me... cinco-cinco-cinco- uno-cero-siete-nueve.

Stop it! Stop it!

Hold it!

Hold it!

You're ruining my company's image.

Stop the tape! Stop the tape!

What do you want me to do, Cavorting?

Keep rolling. Keep rolling.

I love it. I love it.

My audience will love it too!

Wait a minute!

You can't show this on TV.

I'll be the laughingstock of the Chopper Industry.

Hey, throw this guy out of here.

Mr. Sanford, I'm warning you... Warn this.

I'll throw this duck at your head.

All right, then, Mr. Sanford.

Okay, look.

All right, look. I'm begging you.

I'm begging you. Look.

Just don't sign the release.

Release?

Yes, I mean, allowing them to show this on television.

They... They can't do it without your consent.

I'll sign anything they give me,

as long as I get my money back for these Whopper Choppers.

Okay. I'll tell you what, Mr. Sanford.

I'll buy them all back from you.

Here's your $175.

$175. For what?

For what? For your hundred Whopper Choppers.

Now, just a moment.

Now, you're a businessman...

Now, you know I paid $175 for those Whopper Choppers,

and I can't sell them for the same price.

Ain't no profit in that.

All right, how much more?

Well, see, there's overhead.

Overhead? What overhead?

Well, onions, a torn shirt sleeve,

knuckles... that's $200.

$200!

All right, $200, but you gotta give me your word

that you'll never sell another Whopper Chopper... ever.

That's $5.00 more.

Just for your word?

My words start at $5.00 apiece.

Well, all right.

Here's $200 and the $5.00 for your word.

And here's my word...

Oh, John.

If it wasn't for scientists like you,

the swamp monster would still be killing...

I love you, John.

You've made the world safe for mankind.

Hey, Pop, what are you watching that for?

That's the 15th time you've seen that movie.

Son, that movie is a classic.

Now, if you'd just stay home and watch movies like that,

you wouldn't have to go to that old, dumb acting class.

You don't just learn acting by just watching movies.

You have to practice.

I've learned a lot in those classes. Look. Here.

Now, you read this,

and I'll show you exactly what I mean.

Now, you be Father Callahan. Go ahead.

Father Callahan...

This is Father Callahan, killer.

You haven't got a chance.

You're surrounded, my son.

Come out with your hands up.

Ooh... You dirty rat.

You'll never take me alive.

You're the guys that gave it to my brother,

and I'm gonna give it to you.

I'm coming out blasting! This one's for you, kid.

What do you think, Pop?

I can't believe

that a guy that never had acting lessons

before in his life could be that good.

All right.

I loved it. I was terrific.

Let me do it for you again.

Come on.

Now, listen, you dirty rat...

No, no. More teeth. More teeth.

I know how to do this.

You dirty rat... You dirty rat...