Original subtitles

Lamont?

Lamont! Lamont?

Check the kitchen. Uh, Lamont?

Hey, Lamont.

Where is he? What?

I don't know.

Officer Smith, if... If he's in this mess,

we're never gonna find him.

What's happening?

What's going on here?

Hi, Donna.

Do you know where Lamont is?

Why, yes, he went to Bakersfield

to pick up some refrigerators. Why?

Uh, can he be reached?

Well, I don't know.

I think he said

he was going to sleep in the truck tonight.

What's the matter?

Well, uh...

I'm afraid we got some bad news for you.

Uh, hold it, Smitty.

We don't want to, uh...

We don't want to upset the lady.

Uh, you'd better sit down.

What is it?

Please, sit down.

I don't want to sit down.

Well, then, would you mind if I would?

I've really had a rough day.

What is happening?

Please tell me.

Don't be worried,

and don't be frightened, Donna.

He's gonna be all right.

Who?

Fred, but don't worry about it.

Yeah, you see, he was only run over by some gangsters

and given two days to live.

It's nothing.

Fred was run over by some gangsters?

Well, only his toe.

He's all right. He's in the hospital.

Oh. Well.

What's all this about being given two days to live?

He witnessed a murder by Mr. Big.

He's the only man

ever to see Mr. Big actually pull the trigger,

and the Mob has threatened to kill him if he testifies.

Well, he just won't testify. It's that simple.

Well, there's a $25,000 reward if he does.

That's not so simple. Let's go.

All right.

This is worse than basic training.

Well, Bert, I'd better get back inside.

Okay, Bill.

Well, what did the nurse say?

Three-O-something I don't know.

Hold it right there. Freeze.

It's okay, sergeant. We're police officers.

How do I know that?

Anyone can acquire a uniform and say he's a police officer.

Hey, will you... Turn around. Turn around.

Get your hands up against the wall.

Drop your IDs on the floor.

My gosh, he is good. I mean, I just love that.

I mean, it's so real.

I mean, this could be a movie, sergeant.

Can I see Fred now?

Hey, Smitty, Hoppy.

Hello, Bill. How you doing, Bill?

Hey, Bert, they're all right.

Please, may I... Who is she?

Oh, this is, uh... This is Donna Harris.

She's the fiancée of the doomed man.

Will you stop that?

You have a great fiancé, Miss Harris.

Can I see him. Is he all right?

Well, his foot hurts a little, but it'll be all right.

Is Fred in there all by himself?

Don't worry. We gave him a whistle.

If he gets in trouble, he blows it,

and we'll be in there in a second.

Uh, sergeant, how's he bearing up?

He's a trooper, a real trooper.

A brave man, Mr. Sanford. The stuff heroes are made of.

Can I go in now, please?

Yes, of course.

What?

What's wrong?

What is it? Her, her!

Donna?

Me?

Yeah. How do you know it's her?

Yeah, how do I know it's her?

Only she knows if she's her.

She could be disguised as her and be them.

Oh, Fred. Now, you know it's me.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if you really Donna,

then say something that only Donna would know...

and make sure that it's something

that I would know Donna would know.

Hmm... All right.

Every time I come over to the house,

and you're alone, you always try to...

Donna, Donna, honey, that's you!

Oh, honey, oh.

Hey, keep an eye on her for me.

Oh, Donna. That's you, darling.

Listen, what did these fellas bother you for?

Hey, give me more fruit. More fruit.

Hey, listen, next time, get some nectarines,

because they're in season too.

You bet, sir.

Hey, listen, would you gentlemen

be kind enough to leave me alone here with my fiancée.

Let's go, out. Oh, certainly.

Yeah, yeah, out, out. All of y'all. Out.

Fred, does your toe hurt much?

Enough.

Enough? Enough for what?

Enough for me to live here as long as I want to,

and be waited on hand and toe by the L.A.P.D.,

and get all I want to eat,

and have a big color TV up on the wall.

And be a target

for every hired killer in the country.

Don't worry, darling. Nothing could happen to me.

Can't you see?

I got half the police force watching me.

What was that?

Oh, my God!

Clear... Clear the window!

Goodbye, cruel world.

Goodbye, hemorrhoids!

What happened here?

My 'nana go boom.

I want a rundown

on everyone who touched this man's banana.

Right, sergeant.

I wanna know the history of this banana

from when it was on the tree until it blew up in this room.

Send a man to every fruit store in this precinct.

Bring me back names, addresses and phone numbers.

And bring me back some nectarines.

I'm very sorry for that, Mr. Sanford.

Listen, listen... What about my electric shaver?

Hopkins? Yes, sergeant.

Get this man the electric shaver.

Right.

Could you leave me with my fiancée now?

Yes, sir. Out.

Yeah, out.

Hey, hey, Donna. Hm?

When Lamont gets back from Bakersfield,

he gonna be rich.

Fred, now, what are you talking about?

Look here.

Did you see the newspaper today?

No. Look here.

There's a $25,000 reward for anyone giving information

that leads to the arrest and conviction

of one Daniel Tracy, also known as "Mr. Big."

Now, all of a sudden, I have become "anyone."

You are about to become "dead one."

Oh, Donna, that's ridiculous.

Now, Fred...

Now, how did you get involved in all this, anyway?

Well, let me tell you.

I was going through my regular hard day's work...

Mm-hmm.

And I was coming out of the movie, and...

And this car came zooming around the corner,

"Rrrh," zoom,

and this big fat guy leaned out the window...

He had an earring in his ear...

And he shot this little skinny fella

who was standing there, had popcorn in his teeth.

Fred, you were standing that close?

That's right.

Oh, how can this city let hoodlums like that

run around the street free,

killing and shooting

with no regard for human life.

Oh, I can't stand it. It's wrong.

Ow, ow!

What is it? What happened here? What is it?

Hey, listen, uh... pardon me, fellas.

Can I talk to my fiancée in private now?

Oh, certainly, Mr. Sanford. Okay, out, out.

Yeah, out. Put your pistol back.

See, Donna, I got it made.

When Lamont comes back,

I'll tell him to get married,

and after he gets married, just spend a full life,

and just bring the grandchildren by

to see me every Sunday.

Fred, you can't spend the rest of your life

in a bed.

Hello, Mr. Sanford.

Why not?

Uh, Gloria, Angel of Mercy... meet Donna.

Donna, Gloria.

Hello.

Hello.

Are you comfy and cozy?

Yes, I'm comfy, and this is my friend "Cozy..."

And as soon as you leave the room,

"Cozy" here can come a little closer,

and make "Comfy" a little more comfier.

Oh, Mr. Sanford, you are the one.

I am the one. I am the one.

That's wonderful.

Mm-mm. Yeah.

She's kind of cute, isn't she?

She just started this afternoon,

and she took the other girl's place that was on earlier.

Why did she take somebody else's place?

Don't ask me why. How should I know?

What's the matter?

Aah! Throw it away.

Do something, will you?

Oh!

Aah!

Where, where?

What happened? What is it?

The nurse who was just in here,

she left a time bomb under Mr. Sanford's pillow.

Sounds like a tooth fairy gone bad.

How did that nurse get in here anyway, Bill?

Oh, she was in earlier.

She just reported to work on an earlier shift,

and I theorized she was all right.

You "theorized"? You "theorized"?

I'm sorry.

You "theorized"?! He "theorized"?

What else can we tell you, Fred?

Tell me what "theorized" means.

Assumed.

Assumed? Assumed?

Well, uh, Mr. Sanford,

according to Webster's Collegiate Dictionary...

I know what "assumed" means.

Now, just go on back out there

and be a little bit more careful, will you?

Will you do that?

And... Oh, my gosh. What?

My pocket transistor radio.

You must have thrown it out with the time bomb, Donna.

Bill... Yes, I'll pick one up right away.

Gentlemen, might I be alone with my fiancée?

Oh, certainly. Let's go.

Right.

Fred...

you are ripping off this city for a fortune.

No, I'm not.

I'm only getting what's coming to me.

After all, I'm handing them Mr. Big

on a silver platter.

Yeah, if you live that long.

Oh, I'll make it, Donna,

and Lamont will have everything that he wants,

and then you'll have reason to be proud of me,

and all of you will be proud of me

because I finally did something to make you proud.

And I... I risked my life for the sake of justice.

Justice?

You mean, for the $25,000, not justice.

"Justice" good.

Just as good.

You know something, Fred Sanford?

Now, please don't lecture me, Donna.

I'm left in a hospital with a busted big toe,

being chased by gangsters, and I haven't had my nectarines.

I'm not gonna lecture you, Fred.

I'm going to tell you I am proud of you,

really proud.

Oh, not because you're risking your life

for your son... or for the money...

or even for justice.

I am proud of you because you are what you are...

a very, very brave man.

Ouch!

This is your idea of protection?

This is your idea

of taking care of Mr. Sanford?

Look at this room...

bullets, bombs, explosions.

It's all right, honey. I've calmed down now.

It's not all right, Fred.

Yes, it is.

Come on.

Now, will you please tell them

that you don't know

who shot that poor man with the popcorn in his teeth,

and that you're not going to testify,

and then you won't need protection,

and they'll leave you alone.

But I am gonna testify,

and I'm gonna get that $25,000,

and I would appreciate it very much

if you gentlemen would take better care of my life.

We're awfully sorry, Mr. Sanford.

We'll call headquarters, double the guard,

make sure no one slips by us.

Make sure no one stands near that window,

and keep the drapes closed.

Right, sergeant.

Oh, where is he?

Shoot her! Shoot her. What?

A gor... A gorilla. Shoot her!

No, hold it!

Fred, are you crazy?

They could have killed Esther!

And won the love

of every man in the world who could see.

Fred Sanford, I came here feeling sorry for you

because you were attacked by criminals.

I remember how scared I was when they robbed my store,

but at least they didn't run over my toe.

I can see that.

They ran over your face.

You can insult me all you want to, Fred Sanford,

because I'm here on behalf of my church,

and I cannot be hurt.

Well, then I apologize for insulting you.

Oh, Fred, do you really mean that?

Of course I do, darling.

Darling?

Listen, would you do me a favor, sweetheart?

Of course, dear. What is it?

Well, it's a little stuffy in here.

Would you mind pulling them drapes back

and open the window for me?

Not at all.

No, no. Hold on, ma'am.

Would you all excuse us, please?

I'd like to speak to, uh... Fred and Esther alone.

Oh, certainly. She's all right, Bill...

And, sergeant, Okay.

I can vouch for this woman.

We'll be in the hallway, Fred.

All right. Listen, any of y'all going outside?

Why, Mr. Sanford? It's about time

for my roast beef sandwich.

I'll pick one up for you right away, sir.

All right.

All right, Esther.

Now, what's all this business

about the church?

I just want to know how much of the $25,000

Fred's gonna donate to the church,

praise the Lord.

He is not going to testify, Esther,

so he won't be getting any money.

Is that right, Fred?

No, that's not right.

I'm gonna testify,

and I'm gonna get that $25,000,

and I'm gonna put most of it in a trust fund

for my son, Lamont, and I'm gonna...

I'm gonna spend the other $23,000

on yours truly.

Fred Sanford...

you may be able to turn a deaf ear on me,

and you may be able to turn a deaf ear on the church,

but you will never be able to turn a deaf ear

on your conscience.

It's just unfortunate I only got two ears,

and I wish they was long enough to cover up my eyes

so I wouldn't have to look at your ugly face.

Why, you heathen!

Ow!

Shoot her, shoot her!

Shoot her!

But Mr. Sanford, she's your sister-in-law.

That don't make no difference.

Her face is wanted in three continents

for indecent exposure.

Shoot her!

Take your hands off of me, heathen!

Mr. Sanford, as the police commissioner,

I wanna tell you that every man on the force

is proud of you.

Well, I felt it was my duty, commissioner.

May I quote you as saying that

on the air, Mr. Sanford?

Why, sure.

I feel the two go hand in hand. Which two?

Uh, his money and my duty.

See, his money is number one, and my duty is number two.

Mr. Sanford, in a couple of hours,

I'm gonna bring Daniel Tracy in through this door.

All you have to do is identify him,

and we'll protect you until after the trial.

Oh, by the way...

here are your nectarines.

Uh, would you mind taking the pits out?

Mr. Sanford, what do you intend

to do with the money once you get it?

Well, I intend to give the money

to the Fred Sanford Foundation for 100 selective charities.

Oh, really? What are some of those charities?

Well, one of them is for an old man

with a young son, 34 years old,

whose mother died at an early age,

and he was forced to live in Watts

and drive a red truck.

There a lot of those?

You'd be amazed.

Hello, Fred.

Donna.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, this is wonderful.

Donna Harris, meet Commissioner Daly.

How do you do, sir?

Miss Harris.

And here's Mr. Martinson from the 4:30 news.

Hello. How do you do?

Fred, here's your mail.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Get-well cards from all of my friends.

Let's see, this one's from Grady.

"Dear Fred, I am very proud of you.

"You just go ahead and testify.

"Good conquers evil, and right makes might.

"Nothing will happen to you.

P.S. Can I have your color TV after they rub you out?"

That old dumb Grady.

Here, let me see that.

Yeah, take it.

And check it for fingerprints.

See what this one is.

"Dear..."

What? What does it say?

Nothing at all, honey. Nothing.

Oh, it's not a "nothing." It's a "something."

Let me see. No, it's nothing...

Fred, I can see it in your face.

Listen, I say it's nothing

and you can't see something in my face

and don't argue about it.

Now, just leave me alone.

Just leave me alone. Just go on out.

Come on. Fred.

Out. Please, Donna. Just leave me alone.

Please, please.

"Dear Hero:

"This is your final warning.

"If you don't want your son and girlfriend hurt,

"forget you saw anything,

"and then forget everything else,

"or your company will be Sanford and Nobody.

Remember, forget it."

I gotta forget it. I gotta forget everything.

I gotta forget everything I saw.

What did I just say? I forgot.

Stand by, please.

Action.

Good afternoon.

Don Martinson and the 4:30 news.

I am standing

in the very well-guarded hospital room of Fred Sanford,

the man who saw Daniel Tracy allegedly shoot

Johnny Popcorn two days ago.

In a few minutes,

the police commissioner will bring in Mr. Tracy

for Mr. Sanford to identify.

Well, Mr. Sanford, how do you feel?

I don't remember.

You don't remember how you feel?

Hey, where am I? Where is this?

What am I doing here?

Why was I born?

♪ Why am I living? ♪

Do you remember seeing a murder this week?

Week? Uh, what's the week?

What's the matter with him?

The poor man's mind is gone.

Now he doesn't have a mind or a personality.

Well, maybe seeing Daniel Tracy

will stir up a memory.

Commissioner?

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is Police Commissioner Daly

and the man with him is Mr. Big, Daniel Tracy,

owner of Tracy's Toyland and Massage Parlor

in El Segundo.

Let's watch.

Mr. Sanford... Oh, yes.

How is he?

What I'm about to ask you is very important.

Now, your identification can have a big effect

on the future security of the people of this city.

Do you recognize this man?

Man?

What's a man?

Is this a man?

Uh, hello, man.

Mr. Sanford.

This is Daniel Tracy, a.k.a. Mr. Big.

You said that you saw him attempt a murder.

Murder? A murder?

Oh, let me fluff my murder and go get some rest.

Hey, commissioner, can I go?

You're wasting my time.

Oh, he's holding back. He's faking.

No he's not, commissioner.

The poor man is obviously sick.

Looks like he's got amnesia to me.

Yeah, that's right, amnesia.

I don't remember...

I don't remember your name, his name, or my name.

Now, listen, Daly, leave out of here

and take Mr. Tracy with you.

Mr. Sanford, it sounds like your memory is coming back.

Will all of y'all get out of here now?

Leave me alone.

Can't you see the man is petrified?

Yeah, get out of here, Donna.

Donna, Donna,

and get on this horse you brought in here

and ride away.

Why, Fred Sanford, you old...

That's him.

That's him!

That's who?

The man who robbed our store three years ago,

and wounded my husband, Woodrow.

That's him.

Oh, he...

Would you swear to that in court on a Bible?

Use mine.

Lady, you just made yourself $25,000.

No, praise the Lord.

My church just made itself $25,000.

But, commissioner, isn't she in danger now?

From what?

The Mob wouldn't dare touch her now.

She just made a statement on national television

holding a Bible.

She is safe, Miss Harris.

Wait a minute.

It's all coming back to me clearly now.

See, he's the one that did it.

Too late.

She beat you to it. Get him out of here.

It's... He did it. Good day.

Would you come with me? Wait a minute.

Big fat guy, guy with an earring.

Wait a minute.

Well, that's it from the 4:30 news

in a hospital room in Los Angeles.

Back to you, Jim.

No, back to nobody.

Give me a hundred dollars,

and I'll tell you who it was that did it.

Good day. I'll identify him.

See, I was outside the movie, when this car...

Fred...

Donna, give me a dollar. I'll tell you who did it.

What are you doing?

No, that's my letter. Wait a minute.

"Dear Hero, This is your final warning..."

So that's what happened.

Oh, Fred,

you were willing to risk your own life

for the $25,000,

but you wouldn't risk mine.

Well... Fred, you're wonderful.

You're... so special.

You threw away the $25,000 and didn't even tell me why.

I got a lot to be thankful for, Donna.

I mean, I got me a radio,

and I got me an electric shaver.

I get all I want to eat.

That's right.

I got a color television...

and you got a lot to be thankful for too. What?

That the reward wasn't $50,000.

Fred, you wouldn't have!

I'd like to think I wouldn't have.

Hi, Fred.

Oh, hi, Donna.

Ah.

What did the doctor say?

He said you'll be out of here

in a couple of days.

Oh, he did? Mm-hmm.

Well, maybe I'll just stretch it out a little bit.

Listen, everything is free, ain't it?

It's not free.

When you refused to testify,

you gave up the right to charge the city

for everything.

Well, let's get on out of here.

Oh, no.

Fred, I don't think you're healed properly.

No, I'll be all right.

Hand me my shoes over there.

Let's get on out of here.

Here.

Well, all right.

Come on. Let's get on out of here.

Get my clothes down here, down the hall.