Original subtitles

( music playing )

ANNOUNCER: Starring tonight,

Cornel Wilde,

Geraldine Page,

Jack Albertson,

Rosemary Forsyth,

James Gregory,

and Bobby Darin,

Good evening,

and welcome to an art museum of the unique,

Paintings offered up

that infrequently find themselves

hung in the more prosaic places,

Paintings that are frequently

as much formaldehyde as they are pigment,

So, upon viewing, if you sense a touch

of the grave, the morgue, the concrete slab,

count yourself more or less normal

in terms of your taste in art,

at least this art,

Number one entry,

a painting that suggests a story replete

with gaslight, hansom cabs, and cadavers--

an all-star cast of corpses

appearing in what we call

"Deliveries in the Rear,"

delivered to you now on "Night Gallery,"

( music playing )

( wagon wheels rumbling )

( grunts )

( knock on door )

MAN: Well?

GRAVE ROBBER: Tell Dr, Fletcher we brought,,,

Never mind what you brought,

Bring 'em in,

Look lively,

FLETCHER: Now, gentlemen,

The cardinal rule

in all dissections

is to locate all important structures

and those most vulnerable to damage,

Nerves are essentially more important than muscles,

And in this category,

motor nerves are more important than sensory nerves,

Arteries are more important than veins,

Now, in that area of the cadaver

where we are overwhelmed by a,,,

a conglomeration of nerves,

best keep in mind

that you may ignore all nerves

but the chief ones,

In this way, the would-be surgeon

achieves two things--

a savings in time and a much clearer picture,

Example,,,

in the axilla,

keep the axillary and the cephalic veins,

Ignore all others,

In the femoral triangle,

profunda femoris,

Mr, Tuttle,,,

if that look of yours bespeaks fatigue,

nap in your dormitory,

If you are prone to fainting,

be good enough to take it into the hallway,

And if nausea is your special weakness,

out of the building, please,

I'm sorry, Dr, Fletcher,

Speak up, please,

It's the,,,the corpse, sir,

The what?

The cadaver on the table, sir,

It's just that he looks so,,,

he looks so,,,

unappetizing,

Hmm,

Unappetizing,

My dear would-be Dr, Tuttle,

this poor, dead, nameless wretch

is not on a restaurant menu,

( laughter )

He is here in a postmortem attempt

to teach you to save lives,

That he is, uh, unappetizing

should not affect you in the slightest,

I wonder how appetizing you would look

if you had been cut into and sewed up

and generally opened and close

as often as he has,

FLETCHER: The important thing, gentlemen,

is the direction of the incision,

It's an oblique angle,

roughly like this,

Excuse me,

- Delivery, sir, - Mmm,

Gentlemen, tomorrow morning at 10:00,

A good evening to you, Dr, Fletcher,

Lovely merchandise this evenin',

FLETCHER: Remains to be seen,

( grave robbers laughing )

That's funny,

Not intended to be,

Where did you find this?

Oh, Now, you know as well as I do, Doctor,

I'm not at liberty to divulge,,,

You're certainly at liberty to divulge time, place,

and method of exhumation,

This man's been dead at least three weeks,

Not even a nodding acquaintance with a mortician,

Body's never been embalmed,

Decomposing and of no use at all,

We ain't doctors,

Indeed, you're not,

Get this out of here and bury it

where you found it,

GRAVE ROBBER: Oh, doctor,

You'll be pleased with this one,

Oh, this one's an absolute jim-dandy,

Hmm,

That's more like it,

There's not even rigor mortis here,

This man's been dead less than two hours,

You said you preferred them fresh, Doctor,

Where did you find him?

Just a spot of luck, Doctor,

A little good fortune on our part, eh?

$50, at least,

wouldn't you say,

GRAVE ROBBER: ( chuckles )

I think next Thursday

we'll be able to do you good again, Doctor,

All right, all right,

Jamie, take a look at this,

Dear God,

Mmm,

Dead about two hours,

The cause?

Look there, behind the ear,

He might have been bludgeoned,

Mmm,

Skull fracture and,,,

instantaneous death from the look of it,

You know, Jamie, it's a moot question

as to whether our suppliers

merely disturb death

or actually cause it, hmm?

However,

if I'm to teach young men the art of surgery,

I cannot allow myself the luxury of moral outrage,

If I don't leave soon,

I'll be minus a fiancée,

See you in the morning, Jamie,

Come now, Jamie,

No one else mourned him,

Why should you?

( crickets chirping )

( harpsicord playing )

( piece ends )

FLETCHER: Beauty, talent, goodness,

What more could any man want?

I hope not much more,

BENNETT: Barbara, dear,

There's a bottle of claret in my study,

I wonder if you'd be good enough to,,,

BARBARA: You wonder if I'd be good enough

to leave you to men alone for a bit

so you can say something inappropriate

for a young woman's ears, is that the idea?

BENNETT: To beauty and talent, add discernment,

You're marrying a most exceptional young lady,

Dr, Fletcher,

I say this cognizant of the father's bias

that goes with it,

You have five minutes and no more,

BENNETT: Sit down, John,

I wanted to chat with you all evening,

I had a, uh, talk this afternoon

with Dr, Shockman,

Mmm, With negative results, I'm sure,

I grant you he's a bit single-minded,

But in this case,,,

I'd like to hear the case,

Your use of cadavers,

What would he suggest as an alternative,

store mannequins?

He doesn't object to your use of the bodies,

but he did express to me a deep concern

as to,,,

as--as to the source,

If the good Dr, Shockman

wants his college to turn out reasonably competent surgeons,

then he must also supply

the wherewithal to teach them

the arts and skills of healing with a knife,

I grant you, I'm no--

I'm no doctor, of course,

but it does strike me that we tread on thin ice here,

Rumor has it, according to Shockman,

that you and certain others

accept delivery of these corpses

with no question at all as,,,

as to where they came from,

Well, that, unfortunately, has become the case,

but you see, Mr, Bennett,

it's very rare that the surviving loved ones

allow us to move into the graveyard

after the sad ritual,

And, therefore, we are forced

to deal with the dregs, the scum,

a--a breed of social subhumans,

who have no qualms about their profession,

Well, that's just the point,

What is their profession, to rob graves,

to--to murder?

John, you can't be a part of that,

I am no part of it, Mr, Bennett,

I do not sell shovels,

I do not fill holes,

I do not order assassinations,

I am a surgeon, sir,

and I teach surgery to others,

About these cadavers,

What about them?

Dr, Shockman went so far as to suggest that

they were the victims of foul play,

I have no doubt,

You mean, you'd accept,,,

FLETCHER: What Dr, Shockman did not say is that

if they are indeed the victims of, uh,

a knifing, a bludgeoning or the garrote,

the victim in each case is himself

a piece of scum--

a drunk, a derelict,

a felon,

a nameless, wondering, nonentity

whose death goes quite unnoticed,

John, you can't,

Now, let me tell you what we do

with this nameless derelict,

We give him a,,, a kind of immortality,

We give him something he hadn't had

in all his life, a function,

We make him valuable,

We put him to work,

We lay him on a--on a slab,

and we use him in the most salutary,

educative fashion--

to teach young men through his death

how to maintain life in others,

And that, Mr, Bennett,

although it may shock, offend, unnerve,

that is man using his brains

to the best possible purpose,

BENNETT: And to do so, you'll rob him of

his own right to live,

And I submit to you, John,

that that may be professionally expedient,

but it is neither the right

nor just nor moral,

It appears that I absented myself too long,

Well, your father and I

had a minor disagreement,

but it's finished,

I don't consider it a minor disagreement,

and it's hardly finished,

We'll talk about this again, John,

What happened, John?

Oh, it was inconsequential,

It's just that your father

has taken-- taken it upon himself

to dabble in surgery

in a peripheral area,

He was talking to Dr, Shockman this afternoon,

Oh, Dr, Shockman must be part mystic,

Apparently, he believes that,,,

birth,,,

comes from a rib in the Garden of Eden

and that cadavers are manufactured

like gas mantles in some factory,

Well,,,

I'd better go now, darling,

I, um ,,,

I have a class in the morning and a,,,

a damnably long day,

Uh, please say good night to your father

and offer him up

apologies for me, will you?

Sincerely felt apologies?

Oh, hardly,

Diplomatic, ritualistic apologies

in deference to his age

and the fact that I'm gonna marry

his only daughter,

And tell him that I have one endearing quality,

I happen to love his daughter very much,

and all the cadavers in the world

can't change that,

Is that somehow supposed to assuage him or please me?

There are times, John,

that the surgeon in you

gets in the way of the man,

Maybe that's the reason it took you so long

to decide to marry,

Mmm, I've done myself no good this evening,

Tell your father for me that

there are numerous times

when I would gladly throw away

the scalpel, the sutures,

and all the rest of it,

But the problem is that

disease always manages to outdistance science,

And whatever our ingenuity

and brilliance,

we're still no match for death,

And until we are, my darling,

you'll have to share the man in me

with the surgeon,

( door closes )

( playing )

A most unpleasant confrontation,

I gathered,

There are facets to John

that, well,

to say the least, they disturb,

( horse galloping )

How could a man so dedicated

to saving lives

be so ignorant of the sanctity

of life itself?

( playing )

( horse trotting )

DRIVER: Whoa,

( carriage leaving )

I'm afraid you're at the wrong address, Mother,

You're Doc Fletcher, ain't you?

That's correct, I'm Dr, Fletcher,

but I don't receive patients at my lodging,

I ain't here for no treatments!

- What then? - You got me Charlie!

Mother, I have nothing that belongs to you,

but I do have some advice for you,

Go home and sleep it off!

You don't get off scot-free like that, Doc,

Now, admit it, you got me Charlie,

You got him in that hellhole of yours!

You got him lying on a slab,

and every day, you cut into him! Every day!

Now, you listen to me, mother,

I do not have your Charlie,

I don't even know who Charlie is,

But if you don't get off my front steps,

I'll have a policeman here in a minute,

and then you'll see!

Don't give me that about a policeman!

Don't give me that,

Oh, that's what I should have had here first,

You're no better than the ghouls you hire,

You're just a ghoul yourself,

That's what you are!

You're just a ghoul!

That's what you are!

Oh, you're a grave robber!

( knocking on door )

I'm going to get the police!

I'm going to get the police to kill you,

to hang you

for disturbing the dead!

( knocking )

The police,

I'm gonna get them!

( bells ringing )

Good afternoon, Dr, Shockman,

An unexpected pleasure,

Not pleasure, Dr, Fletcher,

Why don't you just leave it at unexpected?

FLETCHER: Well, whatever,

What can I do for you, Doctor

Precious little,

except reassure me

that no member of my staff

has involved himself

in the grimy, unpalatable business

of corpse-stealing,

Dr, Shockman, you and I both know

that frequently when a cadaver is brought to us,

we very pointedly refrain from asking questions,

That may very well be,

But this morning,

I was visited by some ancient biddy

who was not so reluctant to ask questions,

Her principal question was the present

whereabouts of her husband,

It was her contention that he is in this building,

where he is currently being used

for dissection,

We have no such subject here,

That had better be the case,

The woman has threatened

to bring the police into this,

I expect we will shortly be visited

by a raft of detectives

with a court order to examine the premises,

and should they find a cadaver named Charlie,

Dr, Fletcher,

you had best be very glib in your explanations

as to how he arrived here,

Dr, Shockman,

we have no male subject here at all,

As a matter of fact,

we have the body of a woman,

which should lay at rest any interest

the police might have in the matter,

I hope for your sake that is the case,

This further admonishment,

Dr, Fletcher,

For the time being,

I would discontinue the dissection of humans,

Use animals,

Animals?

Dr, Shockman,

we are trying to graduate

a class of surgeons here,

not taxidermists!

SHOCKMAN: Better taxidermists

than sanctimonious collaborators in murder,

Apparently, I'm in your debt, Jamie,

Fortunately, the good Dr, Shockman

is rather ceremonial about his comings and goings,

When I heard he was coming here,

I hurriedly and conveniently

hid the body in the basement,

I am in your debt,

But it's a short-term indebtedness, Doctor,

As long only as it takes the police to arrive,

demand that we produce the body,

and comprehend that you were lying

to Dr, Shockman,

You told him that we had a woman cadaver,

Hmm,

And so it shall be,

So it must be,

( horse trotting )

GRAVE ROBBER: All right, get down and ask him,

ACCOMPLICE: Why me ask him? Why not you?

GRAVE ROBBER: You heard what the doctor said,

He's got to have a female,

No ifs and buts,

One corpse, female,

Get down and ask him now,

( knocking )

Oh, it's you,

ACCOMPLICE: Any merchandise on display?

He's all I got,

He?

You got no she?

No,

I could let you have him after 11:00 in the morning,

Cheap at that,

County is burying him,

so the casket will be closed

right after the morning service,

It won't do, I've got to have me a female,

Then you'll have to try elsewhere,

Appears that's the case,

( door closes )

A little brisk to go digging,

Much too brisk for my way,

I think we'll do our huntin' on the wing

this evenin',

Risky,

Mighty risky,

especially since it's a woman,

Fletcher's anxious,

in a frantic hurry,

That means he'll pay top dollar,

and that means I don't care about the risk,

( students conversing )

- Dr, Fletcher, - Yes?

Hannify is my name,

I wonder if you'd mind answering a few questions,

Yes, a very few,

I'm due for a lecture inside,

Well, we have a complaint, Doctor,

A woman named, uh,

Woods has,,,

had a husband named Charlie,

Yes, I've met the lady,

She has some insane idea

that we have her husband's body here,

I take it then that you don't?

You take it correctly,

Are you, uh,,,

dissecting this evening?

That would be my intention,

I was further told by Dr, Shockman

that you have the body of a woman,

That's quite correct,

So it would seem that the good lady, uh,,,

What did you say her name was?

- Woods, - FLETCHER: Yes, Woods,

So it would seem that the good lady

is overabundantly imaginative

and less abundantly sober,

It would seem so, Doctor,

if indeed the cadaver is that of a female,

May I see it?

Am I to understand

that the word of a drunken old crone

has the same value as mine?

The lady was in a saloon last night

and overheard some conversation between two men

who've been on our books before,

They're grave robbers, sir,

She heard one of the men mention her husband's name,

and then your name was brought up,

The degree of dependability, Doctor,

is not at issue,

But a missing corpse and a possible homicide,

that is the issue,

And so I'll ask you again

to allow me to examine whatever it is

you're cutting into this evening,

It is the,,,

body of a woman, Doctor,

Yes, as I told you,

I,,,

thank you for your trouble, Doctor,

and I,,,

apologize for any inconvenience,

It's quite all right,

I hope the good woman finds her husband,

Well, I share the hope, Doctor,

And, uh,,,

I have one more hope,

for worse and forlorn,

that one day I catch you accepting a delivery,

and I'll see to it that the next thing

you hold in your hand won't be a scalpel,

It'll be a sledgehammer in a prison rock yard,

They are waiting for their pay,

This was a sticky one, Doctor,

as you can imagine,

A hundred dollars for this delivery,

The price is going up, hmm?

Aye, the price goes up

when you've only got an hour or so

to produce a female corpse,

And there'll be no questions about this one,

No questions at all,

FLETCHER: All right, gentlemen,

Tonight we will continue our examination

into the art of dissection,

First, a small preface to tonight's event,

It has to do with the value of life,

the so-called value,

No doubt you've heard whispered concerns

about where we obtain our subjects for dissection,

May I tell you briefly

that such concerns are misplaced?

Any cadaver which aides

in teaching you young gentlemen

the art of surgery,

that cadaver has served its purpose,

And so that there's no misunderstanding

among any of you in this room,

no individual life is of any consequence

if it means the saving of many lives,

That, gentlemen, is the first and cardinal lesson

you must learn,

And now, we will begin tonight's session,

( moans )

( screaming )

( music playing )

Painting number two in the Night Gallery,

addressing itself to the strains

and stresses of the married,

having to do with the fact that there is more than one way

to kill a cat,

and more than one way to dispose of a wife,

Our painting is called

"Stop Killing Me,"

( music playing )

( traffic noise )

( car door closes )

( typewriters clacking )

( phone ringing )

( footsteps )

My name is Mrs, Frances Turchin,

and my husband is killing me,

Hmm, Yeah,

My wife is killing me,

( chuckling )

Uh, well, do you wanna lodge

your formal complaint against him?

- Is that it, Missus, uh,,, - Turchin,

Mrs, Frances Turchin,

My husband is Bernard W,,

6310 East Howard Street,

Staten Island,

Aren't you writing any of this down?

Oh, well, no, no, ma'am,

not unless you wanna make a formal complaint,

See, the taxpayers don't like us to waste too much paper,

- You know what I mean? - Oh,

BEVERLOW: Now, Now, then you say

your husband's trying to kill you?

No, No, no, no,

He is killing me,

Right now, while I'm talking to you, he is killing me,

Don't you understand?

No, No, ma'am, I don't believe I do,

You mean to say that your husband has, uh,

has made an attempt on your life?

No,

No, no, no, no, no, He hasn't done anything,

but tell me that he is going to kill me,

he's going to kill me, he's going to kill me,

he's going to kill me,

At least a hundred times

for the last three weeks,

In person, on the telephone, at home,

in the car,

any chance he gets, And,,,

Friday night,

we went to the movies,

and right in the best part,

he turned to me and he says,

"I'm gonna kill you, Frances,"

It spoiled the whole film for me,

Tsk tsk tsk,

Uh, tell me this, Mrs, Turchin, has, uh,,,

has he made these threats on your life

in the company of other persons?

Oh, of course, of course,

He doesn't care who's around,

Two weeks ago, my sister, Velma,

was over for dinner,

and right in the middle when she was telling about her,,,

her neighbor's asthma, he says,

"Excuse me a minute, Velma,"

and then he turned to me and he said,,,

"Heh heh! I am gonna kill you, Frances,"

And then he laughed,

Ah ha ha ha!

And he tells my sister,

"Go on with your story,"

( sniffling )

( Frances sighs )

You don't believe me?

No, it's just that you,,,

FRANCES: You call him up, He'll tell you,

You call him on the telephone,

He'll tell you himself,

Ulster-8-9945,

Oh, he'll tell you, He's proud of it,

He says, "No one has ever

found an easier way to kill a person,"

BEVERLOW: And you, uh-- I mean,

you really think you're husband's serious about this,,,

Well, call him!

Ulster-8-9945,

8-9945,

And has he indicated just, um,,,

how he intends to kill you?

Oh, certainly,

He says that I will probably

be run over by a car,

If not, I will fall down a flight of stairs

and break my neck,

We live on the third floor,

Ah,

FRANCES: And then if not that,

he says maybe I would take too many sleeping pills,

I don't know how many I've taken

since he started this crazy thing,

Maybe I've taken too many already,

And if I do doze off, he pokes me and he says,

"I'm gonna kill you, Frances,"

And then he goes to sleep,

( snores )

And I lie there

all night,

worrying,

That's how he's killing me,

Yeah, Hey, you know, maybe that's it,

Maybe he just figures on worrying you to death, huh?

Oh, exactly, Exactly,

He is worrying me to death,

and someday I am gonna be worrying so much

that I will get run over by a car,

I will fall down a flight of steps, I--

Oh, well, what's the use?

It's just the way he planned it,

And the other night,

he said,,,

that he gives me a week at the most,

- Oh? - FRANCES: A week,

A week,,,

and I'll be dead,

And you know what?

No, No, what? What, ma'am?

I believe him,

Just today,

on the way over here,

I didn't even see the bus that I was waiting for,

I was standing right out in the middle of the street,

and if some nice girl hadn't pushed me back,

he would've killed me right then,

- Your husband? - Well, of course, my husband,

Who else are we talking about?

Right, sorry, ma'am,

So,,,

what are you going to do about it?

Well, I don't know what I can do about it, Mrs, Turchin,

you know, unless you want to, uh,,,

file a formal complaint against your husband,

A complaint? I have told you he is killing me!

Isn't that complaint enough?

I don't wanna start with papers and subpoenas,

I will be dead already,

I don't want to swear out complaints,

I want you to speak to Bernard and tell him

to stop killing me!

Well, I suppose I could call him up

and talk to him, Mrs, Turchin, if you'd like that,

But first--now, first, Mrs, Turchin,

you know, would you mind explaining to me

why you think your husband's trying to kill you?

Oh, because I won't divorce him,

That is all,

Just because I won't divorce him,

Is that a reason to kill a person?

Well, there's some people I know

who might think that's reason enough, yes, ma'am,

Well, then,

he will have to kill me,

because I will never divorce him,

Never!

At my age,

where would I find another husband?

- Yes, ma'am, - FRANCES: So,,,

Ulster-8-9945,

Yeah, but, uh, first,

would you mind telling me why

you think your husband, you know, wants a divorce?

Because--now, wait a minute now, Mr, Turchin,

You know, this just might be

a matter for a marriage counselor or something,

not for the police department at all,

But he says there are a thousand reasons

and all of them are crazy,

Would you like to hear some of those

crazy reasons, officer?

Yeah, if you don't mind, Yeah,

Oh, I don't mind, They're all crazy,

You'll see,

Crazy reason number one,

He says,,,

that I do not cook well enough,

We have been married for 23 years,

and suddenly, he says

I do not cook well enough,

So it's either divorce him

or killing me,

Are you married, Officer?

Yes, ma'am,

- Is this your wife? - Yes, ma'am,

FRANCES: She looks like a very sweet woman,

Does she cook well?

Hmm? Uh,,,

Well, I guess you could say she's about the average, ma'am,

Well, there, you see? Nobody is perfect,

And then crazy reason number two,

Because I'm not as beautiful

as I was when he married me,

Now, is that a crazy reason or not?

How long have you been married, may I ask?

Uh, fourteen years come next May, ma'am,

Well, is your wife as beautiful as she was

when you married her?

Be honest,

No, I don't guess you could say that, no,

So,,,

crazy reason number three,

He says he has nothing left to say to me,

After 23 years, he says he is all talked out

as far as I am concerned,

And he's not interested in listening

to anything I have to say, either,

Now, is that a crazy reason or not?

I mean, don't you have times

when you don't have anything to say to your wife?

Yes, ma'am,

Is that a reason for divorce

or killing?

I have been married

just as long as he has, you know,

Crazy reason number four,

Because I clutter up the bathroom,

Well, what woman doesn't clutter up the bathroom?

I have--I have cosmetics,

I have cleansers,

I have shampoos,

I try to keep as much as I can on the dresser,

but where am I to put all the rest?

In the closet?

Where does your wife keep her cosmetics?

In the bathroom, ma'am,

Ah, There you are,

And crazy reason number five,,,

STANLEY: Excuse me, Mrs, Turchin, but, uh,,,

I think I got a pretty good grasp

of the situation right now,

Yes, sir,

Gonna call your husband up on the telephone,

ask him to come down here,

and I'll have a little talk with him, hmm?

Oh, I'm so glad,

Oh,

I think you can talk some sense into him,

Ulster-8-9945,

Bernard W, Turchin,

Would you like me to, uh,,,

- wait while you call him? - BEVERLOW: No, no,

No, that won't be necessary, Mrs, Turchin,

I'm just gonna call him up

and ask him to come down here, you know,

You run along home,

and we'll just have a little chat then, that's all,

Thank you,

Thank you,

I don't know what I would've done,

- Ah, - FRANCES: Just today,

on the way over here,

I was standing right out in the street,

thinking about it, and--

I told you about that, didn't I?

You mean about the girl pulling you back

from in front of a bus, yeah,

FRANCES: Well, you see? You see what he's made me?

A week he gives me at the most,

I just hope I'll get home all right,

Well, I'd be glad to have one of the officers

drive you home, ma'am,

No, No, I'll be all right,

Oh, I feel so much better

just having talked to you about it,

If only he'd just stop that killing me, killing me,

killing me, killing me,

- Okay, - Yes,

System's foolproof, he says,

Anybody could do it, just anybody,

All they have to do is follow his instructions,

Can you imagine?

Isn't that the craziest thing you ever heard of?

Well,,,

thank you,

Quite all right, ma'am,

You have the number now?

- BEVERLOW: Yeah, - Ulster-8-9,,,

9945, got it right here,

Yes, that's right,

BEVERLOW: Bye, Mrs, Turchin,

Thank you again,

( door closes )

( car horn honking )

( tires screeching )

( woman screams )

( crash )

( crowd shouting )

Uh, Hello, Is there a Mr,,, Mr, Turchin there, please?

( siren )

Oh?

Mr, Bernard W, Turchin?

Uh, how do you do, sir?

No, you don't know me,

My name is Beverlow,

Sergeant Stanley Beverlow

down at the 14th Precinct station,

Yeah, Well, I was wondering

if you could come down here and have a little talk with me,

- It's, uh,,,Oh, no, - ( siren grows louder )

No, no, nothing official,

Actually, it's kind of a, uh,,, kind of a personal matter,

Yeah,

Well, if you could, it'd be just fine,

Sometime this afternoon say?

Huh? 4:30?

It'll be fine, I'll be off-duty then,

( siren blaring, crowd conversing )

All right, Mr, Turchin,

Thank you, sir,

Thank you very much,

Good-bye,

( siren blaring )

Here, we have a cameo dandy,

Problem?

How to flee the coop,

how to make tracks away from the police

and unhappy peers,

Ship out to safer climes,

The story of a chap, who, if he'd it to do over again,

would have remained where he was,

He finds out that he is precisely

what is the title of the picture,

"Dead Weight,"

( music playing )

( ship's horn blaring )

( buoy clanging )

( fog horn blowing )

( knock on door )

Come in, sir, Come in,

- Well, Mr, Landau, - ( water cooler gurgles )

I'm happy to announce that you'll be out of the country

by this time tomorrow with no trouble, sir,

No trouble whatsoever,

As I've already explained,

my system is absolutely foolproof,

On that, sir, I pledge my word,

Your word, huh, Mr, Bullivant?

Well, for $15,000,

I'm gonna need more collateral than that,

But you have it, sir,

You have it,

The unsullied reputation of my firm,

Over 47 years in business

at the same location,

and not one customer complaint,

Well, I figure if anything goes wrong,

I don't get me a chance to get a refund,

not from a cell on death row,

You know what I mean?

Now, Mr, Landau,

place yourself in my hands,

And never again

will you see the inside of a cell,

You talk a good game,

I do more than talk, sir,

I am a man of highly ethical principles,

If I thought myself incapable of honoring my promises,

I would enter some other line of work,

( ship's horn blares )

You, uh,,,

You tell me I can go anyplace I want in this world?

I mean, anywhere?

Any place at all, Mr, Landau,

You just name it,

Interestingly enough,

I had one customer--

a rather whimsical chap--

who opted for Red China,

And he arrived in Peking

two years before the ping-pong team,

Yes, Mr, Landau,

nothing is too challenging

for Bullivant and Company, nothing,

I was thinking South America,

Yeah, South America,

Splendid, splendid,

A capital idea,

Uh, might I suggest Buenos Aires?

Rio has become a bit overdone of late,

if you know what I mean,

I don't know what you're talking about,

I mean, for $15,000, it's--I just don't know,

Well,

you can always take your business elsewhere,

There is no somewhere else,

And even if there was, there's no time,

You read the papers?

They got me splattered all over the front page,

I got more space than the last moon shot,

I'm surprised I got over here

before some joker put the finger on me,

Oh, in that case, Mr, Landau,,,

( water cooler gurgles )

15,000 is not such an extravagant expense,

As a matter of fact,

unless the reports are greatly exaggerated,

you will show a profit of, uh,,,

oh, better than $200,000 for your efforts,

Do you know what I had to go through to get this, old man?

( water cooler gurgles )

BULLIVANT: Two bank guards,

one teller,

and a six-year-old child,

Tsk tsk tsk,

I suppose the child was necessary,

He got in the way of a bullet,

What was I supposed to do, whistle it back?

There was lead flying all over the place,

Besides, what was a kid his age

doing on the street at 10:00 in the morning?

Why wasn't he in school where he belonged?

Why wasn't he in school?

Well, I guess

that'll teach the little rascal not to play hooky,

Are you playing some sort of a game with me or what?

I, sir? Heaven forbid,

- ( water cooler gurgles ) - Uh, let's see,

Well, Mr, Landau, the hour is growing late,

There's much to be done,

If I'm to put the machinery in motion,,,

You sure nothing can go wrong, huh?

What could go wrong, sir?

I am an exporter,

And you, sir, are simply another consignment

of outward cargo

bound for Argentina,

LANDAU: Well, you just make sure you take good care

of the merchandise,

I handle everything with care, Mr, Landau,

That is why after 47 years,

I am still in business,

( chuckling )

Forty-seven years in the same job?

Are you kidding?

For me, that'd be like pulling hard time,

I'd rather do a stretch on a rock pile,

( laughs ) Forty-seven years,

Ah, well, to each his own,

Would you join me in a little sherry, Mr, Landau?

LANDAU: Sherry?

What, are you crackers? That's for old biddies,

Ain't you got nothing with a,,, with a little more muscle, huh?

I'm afraid not,

Perhaps it's merely foolish superstition,

Let's put it down to the eccentricity of an old man,

But I always like to, uh,

complete a transaction by sealing the bargain

with a toast,

Would you indulge with me, sir?

I mean, uh, what could it hurt, right?

Right, Godspeed,

Yeah, whatever,

Now,,,you know, I was, uh,,,

I was thinking about that kid you were talking about,

He ran right in front of my line of fire,

I put a ,45 slug in him,

Six years old, You could drop a--

You could drop a elephant with a ,45 slug,

( creaking )

( water cooler gurgles )

( gasping )

( easy listening instrumental music playing )

( knock on door )

DELIVERY BOY: Come to pick up some air freight,

LAX to Buenos Aires?

It'll be ready in a moment or two,

Would you mind giving me a hand?

I've got to nail this lid down,

Dog food, huh?

My Pomeranian's off her feed,

Do you think if I switch to your brand,,,

I'm afraid you won't find this stocked on the shelves

of your neighborhood supermarket, young man,

This is strictly for exportation,

For export only, huh?

Must be pretty expensive merchandise,

Well, there've been some complaints,

but in the end, the customer

invariably pays the price,

Well, you get what you pay for in this life, I guess,

Indeed you do, young man,

- Indeed you do, - ( hammering )

And if you'll forgive a boast,

I think I can say it was pardonable pride,

there's not another manufacturer in the country

who can duplicate the secret recipe,

( hammering )

My goodness, how time flies,

We must hurry, young man, hurry,

Wouldn't do to miss the plane,

Wouldn't do at all,

I promised my customer

this would leave the country today,

And in the 47 years,

I've never failed a pledge,

( water cooler gurgles )

( music playing )

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