All language subtitles for Me, MYSELF & I S01E12 The Break Up (English)

I'm an enthusiastic guy.

But sometimes that enthusiasm
can get me into trouble.

It's led me to make some rash decisions.

I just heard the worst news ever.

Worse than a doctor telling
you an angry donkey's kick

at a petting zoo will mean a lifetime
of being called One-Nut?

Alright, maybe not the worst news,

but Principal Mosca said
that money is so tight

that the Student Council wants

to cancel the Spring
Invention Convention.

Well, you just won the last one.

You'll retire undefeated.

But I don't wanna retire.
I wanna save it.

You know, I heard the Student Council

is holding a special election
for president next week.

Yeah, Jordan Frankel
was forced to step down

after it came out he was lying
about his boy scout service.

Really?

You know what this means?

Jordan Frankel doesn't know
how to start his own campfire?

No, I'm gonna run for
Student Council President.

That is a horrible idea.

Sometimes my enthusiasm

has caused me to ignore
my better judgment.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

So what're you feeling for dinner?

I was thinking burritos.

Well, that was the easiest
it's ever been

to pick a place to eat
in the history of dating.

What's your favorite burrito spot?

In LA, it's Guac the Casbah.

But all time,
it's this little hole-in-the-wall place

in Santa Barbara.

You gotta take me there some day.

Well, why don't we go on Friday?

We could make a long weekend out of it.

I mean,
don't you think it's a little early

in our relationship to take a trip?

Well, who's to say how
long you have to be dating

before you can go away together?

Well, according to "Cosmo"

a premature vacation can lead
to learning too much too soon

about your partner.

Like the fact that you read "Cosmo"?

Wendy has one magazine in her bathroom.

And I read it a lot.

And sometimes my enthusiasm
flat-out scares people.

You're tapping your finger.

You brought me to a public place.

You stuffed me with bacon.

You have bad news.

I do have some news that
may cause you to scream

if you weren't sitting next to children.

That's right,
I sat you next to children.

Oh, this must be really bad.

Okay, here goes.

I recently decided...

and please remember the children...

to resign as General
Manager of the Bulls.

Dad?

Dad, are you gonna say anything?

I'm trying to have another heart attack.

We had a blast in Santa Barbara.

We could've stayed all week.

Well, I'm glad you're here.

Otherwise you would have
missed my 40th birthday party.

Which I planned, for lack of a
better term, the crap out of.

No, I'm pretty sure
that's the best term.

Hey, c'mon, Lisa, I wanna show you
the dress I'm gonna wear.

You'll love it.

And even if I don't,
I will say that I do

because I know how expensive it was.

How expensive was it?

Wendy? Wendy?

Okay, she's doing that thing
where she pretends she can't hear me.

Sure am, honey.

Yeah.

So, your first trip away
is in the books. And it was?

- A disaster.
- What?

Yeah,
I think I need to break up with her.

What happened?

First of all,
she drives like, freakin'...

God, I don't know any of
those racecar drivers' names,

but one of those guys.

And the second we got there,

she just planned everything
down to the minute.

So, you wanna break up with a
woman because she's organized?

A little picky for a guy
who lives in a garage.

The truth is,
I just don't see Lisa in slow-mo.

Slow-mo.

Yeah, the way
I used to see Nori Sterling.

Nori? C'mon, dude.
That was middle school.

Lisa and I just don't have "it".

Okay, what is "it"?

"It" meaning, wanting
to spend all our time together.

"It" meaning, looking into her eyes

and feeling a deep connection
that will last a lifetime.

Did you just quote last month's "Cosmo"?

You can't call it
weird if you know that.

I have got to throw away that magazine.

Mm-hmm.

You're running for
Student Council President?

Are we sure that's a good idea?

Should we not be sure?

Well, these things tend
to be popularity contests.

And, Justin, why is Alex running again?

To save the Invention Convention.

I think I just proved my point.

It doesn't matter, 'cause as of now,

no one else is even running against me.

Oh, well, that's a different story.

'Cause you're certainly
more popular than no one.

Even if someone else does join the race,

there's no need to worry.

Because I've decided to
become your campaign manager.

Thanks, but I don't need
a campaign manager.

Oh, but you do.

I did some polling at lunch,

and right now you're not someone
people "want" to have a Capri-Sun with.

So what should I do?

Well, people still see you
as an outsider,

so I suggest pandering to the locals.

Show up to the debate
with your face painted Laker colors.

Purple and gold.

No, no, no, no, no.

I will not under any circumstances

wear Lakers colors as long as I live.

What if I gave you 20 bucks?

No, absolutely not.

Huh. A candidate with morals.

This is gonna be tougher than I thought.

I just don't understand

how you could leave our Chicago Bulls.

Are you okay?

Blink twice if you're in danger,

and you're being watched right now.

Everything is fine, Dad.

I wanted to rebuild through the draft

and ownership wanted
overpriced free agents.

So the time felt right for a change.

You were General Manager
of the Chicago Bulls.

That's like being in heaven and saying,

"Eh, I could do better".

See, this is why
I didn't wanna tell you.

Fine, fine.

I just... I get a little emotional

when it comes to the Bulls, I guess.

But I worry about you.

You know, getting a General
Manager's job is not easy.

Well, don't worry.

I already have a couple
of offers I'm considering.

You do? Good. From who?

'Cause you know what?

You can use that as
leverage to get more money

when you eventually
go back to the Bulls.

You are hopeless, you know that?

I'm sorry, it's just that we're talking

about the most important
thing in my life.

Me or the Bulls?

Wow, it is taking you way
too long to answer that.

Look, you cannot break up with Lisa
until after Wendy's party.

What? Why?

She's one of Wendy's best friends.

If she gets dumped, she'll be a mess.

If she's a mess, Wendy's a mess.

And then the entire party goes to hell.

So you want me to stay with someone

that I don't see a future
with just for a party?

That doesn't really seem fair to Lisa.

What's not fair is the
Beyonc� impersonator

that I hired is charging me extra
to sing "Crazy in Love".

How is that not included?

That's what I'm saying.

- Right?
- Look, c'mon, man.

I want this party
to be perfect, alright?

It's just another two days.

Please.

Alright. Fine. Two days.

As long as I don't have
to ride in a car with her.

She really drives that fast?

Yeah, it's like driving in a car

with something something, Jr.

Ooh.

Vote Alex Riley for President.

Vote Alex Riley for President.

Never heard of him.

He's my lab partner in Science.

Are you sure you can't run as Chokey?

Don't worry, I'm working on
the name recognition problem.

I got the school paper
to run a puff piece on you.

"How Chokey Became Alex:
A Redemption Story".

How'd you get them to do that?

A reporter owed me a favor.

I covered for him
after an ill-timed fart

at the "Just Say No" assembly last year.

That's incredible.

Thanks, Justin.

I also got you an endorsement

from one of the most
popular ladies in school.

Nori's campaigning for us? That's great!

Nori Sterling is running for President.

You're in trouble, dude.

What?

Who were you talking about?

- Seriously?
- What?

Getting Rhonda's endorsement
was a major coup.

So you have to stay with a
woman you wanna break up with?

That's a bit of a pickle.

I know, it's not great,
but it's for Darryl, you know?

It's only for a couple of days.

We've been spending
so much time together,

I just don't know how
I'm going to avoid her.

Yeah, I've picked up on some
helpful evasive maneuvers

over the years.

An oldie but goodie is the fake illness.

I once told someone I had the flu,

so I wouldn't have to go
to their soccer game.

Yeah, that was me.

Well, give me a break, Alex.

You weren't exactly
headed for the World Cup.

What's important is that
you don't do anything to lead her on.

And that includes parking
your plane in her hangar,

if you know what I mean.

I think I would've been less grossed out

if you had just said "no sex".

You're in a classic holding pattern.

You're circling the airport
until a runway opens up

and air traffic control declares you

safe for a breakup.

Now I think you're really just forcing
the airplane analogies.

Roger that.

And I am now free to
move about the kitchen.

Buckle up, everybody.

Still going.

Vote for Nori.

I'd love your vote.

Oh, hey, Alex.

You're running for President?

Yeah, I told you the other day.

Hey, Alex, so I was thinking about...

- You smell so good.
- What?

Um, great conversation.
Nobody said anything weird.

Bye.

Sorry, I must've misunderstood.

So, what're we gonna do?

I'll drop out.

But if you don't mind saving
the Spring Invention Convention

for me when you win, that'd be awesome.

Oh, I was actually thinking
we could use that money

for a winter formal instead.

We could have a DJ, a taco truck,

and maybe even a dance contest.

You know, we could have all those things

at the Invention Convention,
plus inventions.

Yeah, I'm not sure that sounds better.

Well, then,
I'm not sure I'm gonna drop out.

Okay, but promise me
no matter what happens,

we'll still be friends.

I promise.

Vote for Alex Riley.
I'll go the extra mile-y.

Vote for Nori,
return the school to glory.

God, yours is so much better.

Alright,
I just wanna say that I am sorry

for the other day. It is your career.

And if you wanna leave the best
team that has ever existed,

that's your dumb choice.

But I respect it.

Thank you, Dad.

Because I did just
accept one of the offers.

Oh, you did?

I am so proud of you. What team is it?

Oh, how could you be GM of the Lakers?

You are impossible.

The Lakers are from LA.
They do not share our values.

I'm from LA.

And look what you've become.

A successful, independent woman
at the top of my field?

Yes, and I am extremely proud of you.

But this Laker thing is a betrayal.

Don't you even wanna hear
why I chose the Lakers?

I already know.

To punish me.

Good-bye, Dad.

Well, I only hope that one day
that you have a daughter

who grows up to be the General Manager

of your most hated basketball team.

And yes, I realize
that's a very specific curse.

Look, if you're gonna have any chance
to save the Invention Convention,

you can't let your feelings
for Nori get in the way.

Oh, that's gonna be a problem.

Because whenever I'm around Nori,

it's like I completely
lose sense of everything.

I blurt weird stuff, I sweat a lot,

I'm not my usual cool self.

As your campaign manager,

I'm obligated to agree
that you are cool.

Well, it doesn't even matter.

Because I'm never gonna
be able to beat Nori.

You can if you take some big
swings in the debate tomorrow.

Say if you win there will
be no homework on Fridays.

No school on Mondays.

Free pizza every day for lunch.

I can't keep those promises.

We're not in the keeping
promises business.

We're in the getting elected business.

Knock, knock.

Lisa? What're you doing here?

Well, my baby's sick,

so I thought I'd bring him chicken soup.

Oh, that's sweet.

But, uh, I was just about
to get into bed.

Ooh, that sounds fun too.

Excuse me...

Uh, we never talk anymore.

Alright, let's talk.

Our trip last weekend was so fun.

Where are we gonna go next?

- Like, another trip?
- Mm-hmm.

- Like, in the future?
- Yeah.

What about New York?

That would be so fun.
We could see a show.

You could meet my parents.

Actually, I can call them
and see when they're gonna be there...

No. Don't, don't.

Why not?

Because, um...

sex?

Yeah. Okay.

I believe in a brighter tomorrow.

And that is why, if elected,

I promise the football
team new uniforms.

And Chess Club will receive brand new

chess stuff.

And water fountains will
be a thing of the past.

Because on my first day in office,

I will install chocolate milk fountains.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'm pretty sure that's impossible.

Well, Principal Mosca, I'm an inventor,

so when I see something
impossible, I ask,

"How do we make it possible?"

That line tested very well at breakfast.

Nori Sterling, your opening remarks.

Faculty, fellow students,
if I'm elected, I...

I love you, Nori.

I said... I, um,

I-I love... I love to worry.

No, you didn't.

This is going to be hard to spin.

You had sex with her?

She was talking about
meeting her parents.

You get off on some weird stuff.

No, I mean, she was escalating
the intimacy of the relationship,

and so I had to stop it.

So you had to stop the
intimacy by having sex?

It made sense at the time.

I hate to tell you this, buddy,

but you just made your
breakup much more difficult.

Yeah, I know. And I feel terrible,
'cause I don't wanna hurt her.

She's a great person.
She's funny, she's caring.

She laughed at my Kermit
the Frog impression.

Ooh, that is not a good impression.

I know, that's what I'm saying.

It's just that we don't have "it".
And I want "it".

Look, I know this breakup
isn't gonna be easy.

But when all is said and done,
the most important thing is...

- That I'm happy.
- That this party...

goes off without a hitch.

And that you're happy too.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Alex, you...

What are you doing?

I have to move back to Chicago.

Oh, come on, Alex.

Whatever it is, it can't be
as bad as you spitting a mint

in Nori's mouth, right?

I told her I loved her in
front of the whole school.

Ouf.

So will you buy me a ticket?
I know you get discounts.

Sorry, bud, but you're not moving.

You can't change course every
time there's some turbulence.

Well, actually, that's exactly
what you're supposed to do.

But you get my point.

I can't go back to that
school and face her.

It'll be so embarrassing. I'm a joke.

A joke who just so happens
to be Student Council President.

What?

Turns out half the grade voted for you

'cause they thought it was
funny to vote for a dumbass.

And the other half just
wrote in "Vanilla Ice".

And since he doesn't go to our school,

you're the new President.

Whoa, I...

Thank you for all your help, Justin.

Well, if you decide to run
for another term, I'm out.

I will never be part of
another election ever again.

The wheeling, the dealing, the lying.

Oh, that reminds me, if anyone asks,

your cousin is Joe Montana
and he's speaking at graduation.

It's wonderful to be here.

I wanna thank the Lakers for
making me feel so at home.

Where did I go wrong?

Did I not hug Abby enough?
Did I hug her too much?

Well, you know what they say,

it's always tough to watch
your daughter accept

an amazing new job in a field she loves.

Fine, One-Nut, just let me mope.

What made you choose Los Angeles?

First off, I think
anybody would be thrilled

to be part of such a storied franchise.

Yeah, a horror story. Huh?

And I think this team has
an incredibly bright future.

A future of losing. What?

These jokes are bad,
and stop elbowing me.

But I suppose the biggest reason

that I chose to come here is,

I wanted to be closer to my dad.

What?

Hey!

What the...

Ow.

Hey, guys, I'd like to say a few words
about my amazing wife, Wendy.

Oh, stop.

Okay.

No, I was pretending to be humble.

Please keep going.

- Come on up here.
- Aw.

I feel like my life didn't even start

until you came into it.

You are my love.

You are my life.

You are my everything.

Baby, you are my everything.

They're so in love.

Yeah, they really are.

Do you ever think one day
we'll have what they have?

Hey, do you want the rest of my cake?

Oh, Alex, did you not hear me?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Can we just maybe talk about this later?

Why? Is there a problem?

No, no, no, no, no.

So?

Do you think we'll have what they have?

No, no, no, no, no.

What?

Look, Lisa,

I think we're two very different people.

Wait,
are you breaking up with me? Now?

Look, I wanted to tell you
earlier in the week,

but I was trying to be nice.

What?

So why did you have
sex with me last night?

Um, this is not
how I wanted this to happen.

I'm very, very sorry, Piggy.

That was my Kermit...

Lisa. Lisa.

Looks like we have a new "single lady"
to add to the Bey-Hive.

C'mon, read the room, Fake-yonc�.

Hey, Nori.

Hey, Alex.

Congratulations.

I don't love you.

What?

I mean, you know,
I didn't mean it when I said,

"I love you".

Then why'd you say it?

Be... Because Justin...

Justin told me that if
I embarrassed myself

in front of everyone,

then I would get the sympathy vote.

Oh, well, I guess it worked.

I'm really sorry if it
also embarrassed you.

Well, you made a bunch
of campaign promises.

Better get to work, Mr. President.

Enthusiasm is important.

But you can't let it blind you
to the things that really matter.

Hey, Nori, wait up.

The only promise I made
that really matters

is when I said that I
would never let anything

get in the way of our friendship.

So, as my first order as
Student Council President,

I think we should have a winter formal.

Really?

I'm kinda the only person

that cares about the
Invention Convention.

And I think a winter
formal would be something

the whole school would like.

I think you're gonna
make a great President.

Gross, it's still just water.

I may not get a second term.

And sometimes, when your enthusiasm
gets you in trouble,

you have to take a
step back and refocus.

You couldn't wait two more hours?

Two more hours?

Look, I'm sorry I ruined
your birthday, okay?

But it's kinda your guys' fault too.

I mean, you're the ones
who introduced me to her.

Get back on track, man.

Look, I appreciate you guys
setting me up with Lisa,

but there was just something missing.

That thing that you guys have.

You guys have "it".

And maybe someday I'll find "it" too.

Aw. Okay, that was sweet.

So I've decided not to take off
my shoe and hit you with it.

Thank you, Wendy.

Hey, you know Wendy's twin
sister is visiting next month.

- Oh, yeah, she's nice.
- You met her at the picnic...

No, that is not happening.

But I've got to be honest,

there are some things
I'll never really be enthusiastic about.

Thank you.

No freaking way.

It turns out that my daughter

is far more important
than any basketball team.

Pretty obvious,
but glad you eventually got there.

Aw.

Okay, so listen.

Is there any chance
that this is all a ruse

and you're gonna tank the team
on purpose from the inside?

No, Dad.

Blink twice if that's really your plan,

but you can't say it out loud.

You're gonna have to blink eventually.

Hopeless.

- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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