Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

PO: All right, gang, I know we're all hungry because ,we skipped second lunch

but let's try not to ?freak out, okay

We've made it this far

and I'm sure the fertile part

.is just over that hill up ahead

.Okay, my bad

!Your bad indeed

.You said it, boss

.He sure did

!Zip it, dumdums

!But I'm too young to die

!And I'm too pretty

.Boys. So dramatic

If it gets to the point we have ,to survive by eating each other

I say we start with the Dragon Master

since he got everyone's .hopes up. Except mine

I know how to manage !my expectations

.Ooh! Very tender

!Hey

.I was kidding! I'm a vegetarian

:CHOW GUARD 1 .We're lookin' for the Mayor

?You boys seen Li

.Nope

?You seen him, Dim

.Sure haven't, Sum

Where are the Guardians ?of the Wellspring

...Uh

?What's a well spring, Dim

.Darned if I know, Sum

.Attention, everybody

I just wanted to confirm that everything is totally normal in the village

and nothing weird or concerning .is going on with the Wellspring

,And in even more good news Mei Mei is apparently ,going on tour

so all further performances .of hers have been canceled

[ALL CHEERING]

!It's a miracle

?Are you Mayor Li

.I sure am

And also my son .is the Dragon Master

We come from the palace ...on behalf of Mistress

.Empress Xiao

Dragon Master Po received your letter regarding the Wellspring

and asked us to come .on his behalf

!Oh, thank heavens

!Help has arrived

We'd like to speak with you in private

so as not to alarm .the other villagers

.A top secret government meeting

.Oh! Po would be so proud

.He's my son, you know

Is it dark in here

or am I finally suffering the consequences of having ?looked into that eclipse

I think I just need to .get a little air

I think I'm having .a panic attack

Do either of you

?have a paper bag

?How do I look I want my people .to see a leader

.Someone who is warm and kind

.Not scaly and badly dressed .No offense

How could I possibly ?be offended

Your highness. I come before you .on behalf of Bunnyburg

.The drought is worse than ever

We are unable to grow crops

and the resources we ship in .have ceased completely

.Well, that is just unacceptable

?How did that sound

,I was going for authoritative but also a, "Hey, the Empress .is just like us" vibe

?It worked for me

.Oh, really? Thank you so much .You are so sweet

I thought the pipeline thingy was supposed to be working .by now

Projects of this size .and nature take time

I'm starting to think we can't wait for Dragon Master Po

and the Four Constellations .to arrive

I think I might have to .investigate this on my own

I say this with ,the utmost respect ,Your Majesty

you can't just wave a wand .and fix everything

[SIGHING] ,You're absolutely right .Shi Long

.Note to self, buy a scepter

I pinky swear to personally see to it

that our plans to address .the drought be sped up asap

,In the meantime my Imperial Guards will prepare a large shipment

of food and resources to be sent back with you .to Chinchillaville

[GUARDS EXCLAIMING]

.Uh, I'm actually a Rabbit

.Of course you are

.Oh, thank you, your highness .Oh, thank you so much

.Yes! Nailed it

[YELLING]

,Easy, little guys .we come in peace

.Peace? We do not do peace !We are warriors

[YELLING]

!Look, look, guys! Hey

I think there's been some .kind of misunderstanding

.We don't want to hurt you

.I kinda do

Uh, mmm, can we just ?talk for a sec? Huh

'Cause we're kind of .in a hurry

.Talk? Ha! We do not talk

.We fight

,We punch, we kick

,we do head butts ,sometimes there's biting

...finger pointing in the

.This thing's so defective !Attack

?Huh

!Ow, ow, ow

?Bao

?'Sup

!All hail glorious Bao

:MOLE-RATS !All hail glorious Bao

!All hail glorious Bao ?How do they know your name

.Shh! I'm basking !It's beautiful.All hail glorious Bao

We have read the holy text and have waited for the arrival .of our savior

.Oh, brother. Literally

You are all invited to a big feast

in honor of the new God .of the Wasteland

,Ah! The God of the Wasteland !yeah

.That sounds so edgy, so urban

.You had us at big feast

Who else knows about ?the Wellspring being in danger

?Is this a prank ?Did Ping put you up to this

?Who's Ping Does he know about ?the Wellspring, too

No one knows about the Wellspring missing .besides me

.Perfect .Let's move to Phase Two

.LI: I do not like Phase Two I repeat, I do not like .Phase Two

[BONES CRACKING]

[MOANING]

!Your pedipalps are magic

My, you are just .full of tension

I'd love to go all shiatsu .on you, but I might draw blood

?Oh! What the heck ?What are you doing on my table

.That's a health code violation

,I've got very urgent business !Li is missing

,LI: Uh, please

I just have a number .of questions about Phase Two

.Well, we found him

.Looks like we're too late

Spider-guy, I need you to work .on my trapezius muscles

Well, if you're not gonna !do anything, I will

Dead or alive, I'm getting .my best friend back

!And revenge

.Hey

In honor of the arrival of our ,new god and esteemed guests

,I present to you a traditional feast

.of all of our favorite foods

I wonder if they're gonna ?have dry salty plums

I've had a craving .since last season

But first. We will begin .the seven-hour crowning ritual

,Now with that out of the way let us enjoy the nourishment

that our bountiful .fields provide

!Feast

.Ooh, hot, hot, hot

.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

?Can you pass the salt

Uh, guys, am I ?missing something

I think we're all .missing something. The food

I'm all for using your ,imagination, but this

.this is a whole other level

.Okay, I'm officially hangry

Jing, our heroic-ness .is for helping others

.Especially those in need

.And they are clearly in need

Oh! Is our food not good enough ?for you village folk

.What? No! No, no, no, no

,We're just, uh .taking it all in

...Look at all this yummy .Stuff

?Did you whip this up yourself

,Because, I mean, wow, this I mean you should get .a food cart, truly

I mean, you could take this .on the road

Mmm. Oh, almost as good .as my dad's

I mean, it's better .than my dad's. So good

.It's really good

,To Bao !the God of the Wasteland

:MOLE-RATS !All hail glorious Bao

.We prayed he would come

!And now I'm here .God status, y'all

Tell my son how .you'll save us all

?Save you from what exactly

,The Beast of the Wasteland !of course

When the earth tremors collapsed our tunnel system

we had to move above ground where the beast has been .picking us off one by one

He refuses to accept our .generous food offerings

.Can't imagine why

It is the same beast that !you defeated in your scroll

!We are saved

.Oh, the Key-lin

Yeah, I totally know .how to defeat that guy

".It's pronounced "Chee-lin

Now where does ?this "Chee-lin" live

[QILIN ROARS]

The Empress is starting to .interfere with our plans

[GROANING]

DARK SHADOW: You must control the Empress until everything .is in place

.I will

With the palace still reeling ,from the Emperor's death

there's a power vacuum left .that I intend to fill

?DARK SHADOW: How

.I've hired an assassin

:DARK SHADOW You fool! You are not even .in the lineage

What is your plan? Assassinate ?the next 50 relatives in line

...I, I

,Hard power is brittle

.soft power is resilient

You must use the Empress .until we no longer need her

.Fix this

.You got this, man .You're a god now

.And you totally look the part

You know we can all ?hear you, right

,You made your bed now go lay in it

so we can get to the Forbidden City .and help the Emperor

.You know I never make my bed

Bao is great, but I think !we should all go, or... Ow

The holy text said you defeated .the beast alone

.You got this, Bao .Make us proud

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

,Just going for a short walk .alone

.Be back in a jif

?Hello? Is anybody there

.'Sup, bro? Nice, uh, back flame

[ROARING]

[SCREAMING]

[PANTING] .The beast has been defeated

[CHEERING]

!All hail glorious Bao

!All hail glorious Bao ,Let's go, move along .time's a wasting

[QILIN GROWLS]

,Probably just a death rattle .you know

Very common with creatures ...of that

[QILIN ROARS]

.Size

!You are a liar

You have broken our hearts .into a million little pieces

!Okay, fine

I admit my memoir was .a bit of an embellishment

And by embellishment .he means totally made up

!False God! False God! False God

We spent weeks building .a statue to honor you

.I'll take Bao's place

.What? Bao always has my back

.No .Not really

?When .So I've got his

Okay, at this point I think ?that I should just... Seriously

?Fan Tong, what are you doing

.Let Master Po handle this

The strange sand puppies .gave me the nod

.I'm trying to help you

.But I don't want your help

?What's wrong with my help

.I'm perfectly capable .Move, please

.Make me

.Just leave me alone !No

?Why !Because I'm your friend

.Say uncle

.Bao !Say it. Say uncle

!You're not my uncle

!All hail glorious Fan Tong

!All hail glorious Fan Tong

.Stop. You're making me blush

Probably gonna hurt .scroll sales

LI: Okay, I take back .what I said

,You might get away with this but there's still a chance ,to do the right thing

.which I'm sure you will

.Not so fast

You best be on your way .back to the old folks' home

Unless you want a fast track .to the Spirit Realm

,After the life I've lived there ain't no way they're .gonna let me in

[BOTH GRUNTING]

?Ping? Grandma? Is that you

Oh, let me feel !your warm embrace

.Oh, well, we tried

.Yo, nice catch, Giant Spider

.The pleasure was all mine

.Here goes nothing

[ALL YELLING]

Oh, thank you so much .for saving my life

If there is anything .I can do to repay you

?Money is good. Now what

It seems the Imperial Guards don't want us to know .the Wellspring is missing

Which means there is .only one place left to go

Mistress Long, Empress Xiao .is not in her chamber

She insisted on going .for a short walk, alone

Argh! Don't you know how dangerous it is for the Empress ?to be alone right now

[GASPING]

Empress, what brings you ?to this part of the palace

I want to see the pipeline plans .for myself

You know I'm more .of a visual learner

Yes, I recall you copying off of my old tests .in home school

.Oh, Shi Long .You're such a martyr

?Where is your study anyway

Ah, the door is just .at the end there

,Full disclosure ,there is a lot of dust

,old paint ,bones of fired servants

discarded artificial ,kumquat trees

boxes of collars ,from deceased pets

,expired deadly potions and possibly a family .of albino third cousins

.Although I believe they moved

.Ah! Ew

.Really no place for an Empress

We have a big day tomorrow

and I know we both want your father's funeral service

.to be absolutely perfect

You should try .and get some rest

?What would I do without you

,I'd probably be fine .but you know what I mean

LI: Why would Imperial Guards try to Phase Two me

for contacting Po to tell him ?the Wellspring is in danger

.It doesn't make any sense

,Two words .government corruption

?We doin' this or what

[QILIN GROWLS]

.Holy underpants

Our heroic-ness .is for helping others

[ROARING]

?Hi, friend. Are you okay

.I don't wanna hurt you

I've come to ask you to please leave the weird ground rodents .alone

,They may be crazy but you've eaten their friends .and that's just mean

.I did not eat their friends

,So, I says to the guy ".I'm a mole, not a rat"

.And he lets me go

.Then I totally ratted him out

I was lonely .and have no friends

I've always been ,a fan of comedy

and they'd already paid ,the two drink minimum

so I felt weird about .kicking them out

!I love comedy

?You do !Totally

I'm sure my friend Bao could .come up with a clean tight five

!Well, that sounds great .I'd love to have him

I'd love to have all your friends. Just let me .go get some fliers

.Great news, everyone .I killed the Qilin

With kindness. And our shared .love of stand-up comedy

?Stand-up what

I prefer to be prone .when I laugh

And now the Qilin .and I are friends

You have proven yourself to be a true warrior .through your compassion

.I always wanted a pony

Anyway, the Qilin agreed to leave you guys alone .from now on

!A truce

!A truce! A truce! A truce

?Would you care for an apple

.Great job, buddy

Solved the problem .and nobody got hurt

,Well, except for Bao .egotistically speaking

!All hail glorious Fan Tong .Wow, thank you

,I'm very flattered .but I'm not your god

My friends and I must continue .on our journey

But we wish you .the best of luck

And, uh, we'll make sure to speak with the Emperor about getting you guys water

,to help your, uh .civilization thrive again

?I'm guessing it thrived once ?Maybe

!There it is !The Forbidden City

.I can tell you're angry

You ambushed me on a job .you hired me for

.I always complete my missions .No matter what

Don't worry, I have a much .bigger mission for you now

?And do you have any associates

You will need some help taking out the Dragon Master ,and his students

.the Four Constellations

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]