Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[CUSTOMER RETCHING]

I'm sorry your meal .was not to your liking

May I offer you a coupon ?for another time

?A coupon

That was the worst meal !we've ever had

If I wanted to eat a meal that tasted like sawdust

I could have !just stayed home

,Just couldn't resist ?could ya

I didn't mean it .like that

!HUSBAND: Yes, you did

!Now see what you've done

.This is a problem

[SCOFFS] .You're telling me

I thought for sure I used enough duck sauce to disguise .the taste of the sawdust

Look, I know there's a drought ,and flour is scarce

but you can't !feed people sawdust

!We'll lose customers

!I'm way ahead of you, Li .Check it out

Welcome to Ping ,and Li's Noodle Shop

now providing laundry service .with every order

Babysitting available .on site

.Manicure and pedicures

.Shave and a haircut .Dental

,Minor surgery performed .while you wait

?YELLS] What]

?What do you think? Ah

And now keep in mind .I'm just spit-balling here

[SIGHS]

Spit-balls are one of ,my secret ingredients .by the way

[ALL GASPING]

!Dang it, Ping

.ZHIZHU: Hi, fellas

!Oh, my goodness

!Zhizhu !What a rare surprise

Are you here ?for the leg massage

.I'm running a special

Eight legs .for the price of four

I could also express your spinnerets .for a small fee

I believe we have another situation .with the Wellspring

.There have been vibrations

NU HAI: All I said was that as Leader ,of the Constellations

I should be the one to introduce us .at the Palace

BAO: Again with ?the "leader" stuff

?Why not the most famous ?Or best-dressed

Or the one ?with the sweetest voice .PS, all me, by the way

I hate to interrupt but does anyone ?have any snacks handy

.I'm hungry

You haven't stopped eating since we left .Panda Village, Fan Tong

I'm nervous about meeting the Emperor .so I'm stress-eating

And I'm nervous ,about stress-eating, so .you know, it's a vicious cycle

.Now that's weird According to the map

the pickup point where we're catching the boat .in the morning is that way

?It's locked

Then I guess we're !kicking the door down

.CHUCKLES] No, no] No one's kicking .down any doors

But we do need to find a way in there

so maybe we could find a window ...or perhaps a chimney

[SUN WUKONG SINGING] ♪ Twelve million pots of tea on the wall

♪ Twelve million pots of tea

♪ If one of those pots should happen to plotz ♪

[LAUGHING]

[SHUSHING]

!Don't shush me We have esteemed guests .coming our way

!Guests? Ooh

?Why didn't you say so

[EVIL LAUGH]

I was hoping ,we'd get there early

you know, maybe do .a little clothes shopping

I hear ruffles .are a thing now

[DOOR OPENS]

:FAN TONG I think I might need .some new shorts myself

.PO: Whoa .Looks like a mining town

:NU HAI .This place feels deserted

!An abandoned mining town !Creepy

?I can dig it." Get it" !Up top! Wordplay

?Nobody

I don't think .this is the pickup point

.Everyone, stay close

...Uh

[LIGHTNING CRASHES]

:FAN TONG .That's weird

Usually I can tell when it's going to rain

because my head .starts to tingle

!Totally feeling it now

PO: This isn't a safe spot !to be in a storm. Let's go

[GASPS]

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING WICKEDLY]

[EXCLAIMING]

!Follow me

!I know a place

Okay, there's no way .we're following that guy

[YELLS]

PO: That storm !came out of nowhere

Yes, that's the way things .happen 'round here

!It'll pass ,In the meantime

!welcome to my man-cave

?May I take your things

Thanks for your ...hospitality, Mister

.Sun Wukong !The pleasure is all yours

.Whoa, whoa, whoa .Wait a minute

,Like Sun Wukong the immortal trickster ?Monkey King guy

.CHUCKLING] Me? No]

.I'm not that Sun Wukong

.Met the guy once .Total wack job

.I'm just the caretaker here

,Pardon me but what's that red liquid ?dripping down the mountains

Please tell me .that's cranberry juice

?Unnerving, isn't it

That's the red dust .coming off the mountain

,You're in Langgan the only red jade mine .in all of China

?BAO: Red jade

Nice! I have been thinking .about getting an earring

[Earrings? [SCOFFS

The power in Langgan Jade !would blow your ears off

.It's all gone anyway .Not a nugget to be had

.That's why everyone left

.Except me, I love it here

!So quiet

.And pants are optional

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] ,Thank you .Mister Optional Pants

,Soon as the rain passes .we'll be on our way

Well, you're free .to go at any time

Of course you'll miss .the free buffet

!Sweet heavenly dumplings

,And what do you know

I just had .the guest room re-done

My bed's got a silk pillowcase for my delicate .combination skin

.And mine's hard as a rock .Just like I like it

It's almost like this place .was designed just for us

I'm sure it's just .a coincidence, Nu Hai .Don't make it weird

GASPS] Is that] a pair of Capri pants ?in my size

!Awesome

!Mistress Long

?What is it, General Fang

I thought I instructed you to keep an eye on the Empress .while she mourns

The Empress has requested your presence .in her chambers

.Immediately

.Poor suffering girl

I expect she's come to realize

she's not ready for the responsibility .of the throne

She'll be looking ,to lean on me for help

which I'll only be .too happy to give

Fang, get me a handkerchief so I'll be ready to dry .her inevitable tears

Can I just say

it is so inspiring .to watch you work

.I know

,Thank you for coming .Shi Long

As you know, father's death .came as a great shock to me

.Here come the water works .Handkerchief me, Fang

But it has made me realize that

I know you better .than you think I do

.Much better, in fact

I'm not sure I know .what you mean, Empress

.I thought you'd say that Daddy always said I was a maverick

.and I go after what I want

...So

[Surprise! [SQUEALS

I made you an outfit .for the funeral

This style ,will flatter anyone

even someone with numerous body flaws .such as yourself

.You're welcome

.Thank you, your Grace ?Will there be anything else

Yes, there is .one other teeny thing

When Master Po ,and the Constellations arrive

I want to take part .in their investigation

.Of course ?Wait, what

I can't just sit around .if my people are in danger

.That isn't very mavericky

,Your exaltedness .it could be dangerous

.Not with you by my side

We are gonna make .such a great team

,Me, the idea girl and you

.doing what I say

Anyone else uneasy about sleeping in a hut ?with a possible maniac

We're stuck here till the storm lets up

so you may as well .try to catch some z's

I'll keep watch and make sure .nothing hinky goes down

[DOOR OPENS] [SCREAMS]

?How's everyone doin'

Did you like ?the pillow mints ?Ya comfy

.Physically, yes ...Emotionally

.We're good. Thanks

I'll be in the next room .if you need anything

!Anything at all [CHUCKLES]

.Mmm

[CHUCKLES MISCHIEVOUSLY]

.Yeah, we're gonna die

!Well, good night

[SNORING]

[LIGHTNING CRASHES]

[YAWNS]

...What the ?Where am I

!I'm on a stage? Sweet

!Hey y'all It's great to be back ,in my subconscious

...but I, uh

[FAINT COUGHING]

I don't have .anything prepared

:SUN WUKONG How's about a joke ?to warm 'em up

.Great idea .Thanks, Monkey Guy

So, did you guys see that current event

that happened ?in the news recently

?What

[YELLING]

!I don't think they're fans ?What do I do now

:SUN WUKONG You could try .being talented

?Or interesting .Just a thought

I hate to be the one ,to break it to you, Bao

!but you're not a big star

In fact, you're not !a big anything

LAUGHS] Sorry to] .crush your dreams

!BAO: Help !JING: Hey

!Back off, stanky toes

Jing! Am I dreaming you ?or are you dreaming me

.Don't know But that new voice .of yours is a nightmare

,Now come on .let's get out of here

?Leaving so soon

[GROANS]

[GASPS]

Sure I can't interest you ?in some friendly sparring

,Watch out Jing !he's a tricky monkey

!Man, that kid was a pest

?So what do you say I'll even give you .the first shot

Well, your face .is really punchable !I'm in

[GRUNTS] [SQUEAKS]

...What the

[SUN WUKONG LAUGHING]

.Not much of a fighter

Guess that's why they say you're the weakest .of the Four Constellations

!No one says that !You're a liar

?SUN WUKONG: Liar

.That hurts my feelings

I've only told .one lie in my life

?Know what it was

!That I've only told one lie

?What does that even mean

:NU HAI !It's a brain game, duh

?Nu Hai What are you doing ?in my dream

What are you ?doing on my desk

!Hey !No cheating off friends

NU HAI: I may be flat ,and two-dimensional !but that hurt

,Students !your test begins now

!Luckily, I love tests

?What's the subject ?Math? Science? History

:Question one What is always coming" "?but never arrives

!That's a trick question

.But I happen to know this one ".The answer is "tomorrow

!You fail

[SCREAMING]

[ALL GROANING]

[SIGHING IN RELIEF]

?Guys? Did you see that

You mean the part where your worst nightmare

was finding out you're not as smart ?as you think you are

.Yeah, I saw that

!Not helping

?Hey, where's Fan Tong

[ALL SCREAMING]

?This is Fan Tong's nightmare

[CHUCKLING]

[GASPS]

[SHRIEKING]

?What is it ?A ghost? A monster

.It's his shadow

[FAN TONG WHIMPERING]

!It's still there

[FAN TONG SHRIEKING]

I almost feel bad .that was so easy

[ALL SCREAMING]

[YELLS] ?Why are we screaming

!I failed a test

.Bombed on stage !My fists got squishy

I'm getting the feeling it's checkout time here .at the Creepy Monkey Inn

And I guess .I'm doing the packing

The storm seems !to have broken. Let's go

?Where's Fan Tong

?Food, Fan Tong? Really

.Seemed a shame to waste it .Nu Hai's right

This is no time !to be worrying about food

,Sorry, Master Po ...but I

.Wait a minute

Since when does Master Po ?not worry about food

!Hinky! Hinky

!You're not Master Po

[CHUCKLES] !You found me

The old tell-tale tail !always gives me away

[SHRIEKS]

?Where's Master Po !The real one

?PO: Can someone let me out

.It's not great in here

I think this might be where the miners had .their indoor outhouse

,To free him all you have to do .is get past me

.This shouldn't be too hard There's only one of him !and four of us

.Good point

,You just had to say it ?didn't you

Good luck !finding the real me

And you gotta do it ...before sun-up

Otherwise Po ...will be stuck here

!For 500 years

Zang, get this message .to Po

We need him back in Panda Village ASAP

to help protect .the Wellspring

.Okay, got it

Question: Do I have time ?for a quick bite before I go

,No. And trust me you don't want to eat .anything here anyway

Hey! I will try .not to take that personally

[GROANS]

!I didn't say stop

.You know what I mean

?Do I Do you know how fragile ?I am right now

,Well, Ping no matter how terrible your cooking may get

or how foolhardy ,your business ideas may be

you will always .mean the world to me

[SOBS]

It's times like these I'm grateful .for your strength

You love birds ,look pretty busy .so I'm just gonna go

[LAUGHING]

I think I got a beat .on the real one

!Darn it. False alarm

I guess .I can tell you now

I really am ,the immortal trickster !Sun Wukong

!I knew it If I weren't trying to defeat you right now

I'd totally be asking .for your autograph

[YELLING]

!Ow

?Why are you doing this

I was trapped here by the gods

after they accused me of stealing the mystical !red jade of Langgan

?Did you steal it

!Of course I did

,And I was going to return it .until someone stole it from me

I've told some .whoppers in my time .But that beats 'em all

The gods didn't .believe me either

They sentenced me to stay in this mine for 500 years

unless I could find someone .to take my place

?So you trapped Master Po !That's not fair

What part of 'immortal trickster' ?are you not getting

[SCREAMS]

!Constellations !Group meeting

?What is it, Fan Tong

I just really need .to catch my breath

.There's no time to rest We have to pick up the pace

if we want to find !Sun Wukong by sunrise

:FAN TONG .But that's just it, Nu Hai

I think this monkey guy .is trickier than that

,No offense, Fan Tong ,but in this scenario without Master Po

you're the brawn .and I'm the brains .I'll think, you fight

Okay. But I think .I'm offended

,With any luck Zang should make it to .the Forbidden City by day's end

.Good

And when you're ,done with the map ?can you tear off a corner

I need a little seasoning .for my broth

[DOOR OPENS] [GROANING]

All I can hear .is boom, boom, boom

Get me some .sawdust tea, stat

Are you here about the noises coming ?from the Wellspring, too

No, I'm just getting home .from a late-night party

,What can I say ,the kids are gone .I'm empty nesting

Now, what about ?the Wellspring

Well, there's something .going on with it. Again

?So what are we gonna do

I'm confident Po will be back soon .to deal with it

?And if he doesn't return

Then we'll just .take care of it ourselves

We are the Guardians .of the Wellspring after all

PING: Let's hope .it doesn't come to that

,I hate to rush ya but your deadline !is starting to rise

[GASPS]

,Even though he wasn't real .that still felt pretty good

[PANTING]

!Not you again

[WHIMPERING]

[SUN WUKONG SCREECHING]

.Hey, Nu Hai

Have you noticed anything weird ?about these monkeys

NU HAI: You mean ?besides everything

,Quit wasting time !Fan Tong

.None of them have shadows

None of them !except that one

[CHUCKLES]

,Congrats, big guy .you nailed me

,Unfortunately your timing .not so good

,The sun is up so I'm heading out

.and Po is staying in

And hey, once you get over the crushing loss

,of your Master .let's all grab lunch

.I don't believe you

.No, I really mean it

And if lunch doesn't work !we can do brekkie ...If that doesn't work

You said in my dream that you've only told one lie

.and that was it So maybe .nothing you said is true

.That's right What if everything ?he says is a lie

.See? He's still tricking us

For an imaginary sun .that is surprisingly juicy

Guys, I think .we're still dreaming

!You're insane ,And I should know .I'm insane

That means .the fight was a dream

Master Po getting !locked up was a dream

Me being untalented .was a dream

That means all we have to do !is wake up

!Quick .Knock yourself out

?What .On the count of three

!One, two, three

[ALL SCREAMING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Man, that was some serious log-sawing !you guys were doing. Hey

[GASPS]

.It's totally dry out here

!And the gate is open

Are you guys gonna explain to me ,what happened back there ...or am I just

[SUN WUKONG LAUGHING]

!Don't go !I was just playing

[ALL YELLING]

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

Five hundred years !isn't that long

I've got scabs .older than that

,It's quiet here great place to write .a follow-up memoir

.Sorry, Mr. Wukong We have someplace .we gotta be

And we're behind .schedule as it is

,Come on guys maybe they'll hold .the boat for us

[GRUNTING]

!This is not over

,In fact .it's just beginning

?So what do you figure .They solved the riddle ?Think they'll do

!Thank you

[SUN WUKONG LAUGHING]

[GROANS]

I have an important message .for Dragon Master Po

?Oh, really I'll be happy to .give it to him personally

Well, I really .shouldn't, you know .It's from Panda Village

,On the other hand ,that was a long trip

and I drank a huge iced tea .before I left

,I don't normally do this

but would you care to use one of ?the private royal restrooms

I bet they got !that two-ply toilet paper !Here, take it

.LI: Dragon Master Po

I have reason to believe .The Wellspring is in danger

.Please return to Panda Village as soon as possible

Also, I hope you're ...getting enough to eat

?XIAO: Shi Long

.I heard something ?Who was that

.No one

Probably just the voices .in my head again

.Sometimes they're so loud

,Now come I want you to taste the menu .I've planned for the funeral

,And don't worry I've ordered a low carb .option for you

I'm not worried .at all, Empress

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]