Original subtitles

- Pathetic!

An absolute disgrace to the badge!

Everything you touch turns to shit!

You should have known better than to come in here today!

Your kids won't talk to you, and it's your fault.

Your dog ran away, and it's your fault.

Your wife has slept with everyone on the force,

and it's your fault!

Your fault, your fault, your fault!

You are an incompetent, googly-eyed numbskull

with a mug so ugly,

I would say only a mother could love it,

but I know for a fact she doesn't!

Yeah, sorry about that.

I really had to take that phone call.

(intense rock music)

- Let me guess, Chief,

you called me in because you want me off the force.

You wanna bench me, want me to hit the showers,

want to beat it, scram, vamoose.

- No, no, no. It's it's not like that, Brick.

We don't do things like that anymore.

Your methods may be...

questionable, but we're not allowed to reprimand you,

not after the trauma you've experienced

after the last 24 hours.

Gunfights, shootouts...

crazy hi-jinks involving an Italian restaurant.

Who's gonna replace all that spaghetti, Brick?

- That's part of the job, Chief.

I don't grow the potatoes. I just swallow the gravy.

- I know, I know.

You're the best we got.

No one swallows gravy like you, Brick.

But, following events of a traumatic nature...

it's been mandated that all officers undergo

post-traumatic stress disorder assessment.

- If this is some kind of joke,

you're a sad excuse for a clown.

- I just need you to answer a few questions, Brick.

Then you can get back to kicking, capeesh?

- Capeesh? Sounds like cat piss to me.

If you were a color of the rainbow, any color at all,

what color would you be?

- What's this have to do with kicking ass?

- I'll take that as blue.

Next question.

What makes for the best past-time?

Spending quality time with friends?

Taking a leisurely drive with a loved one?

Or, capturing and mutilating small animals?

(door slams)

- Pinko mother fucker with his touchy-feely bullshit!

- What was that about?

- Same shit, different day.

Chief's probably still upset because I slept with his wife.

But, hey, it was a bachelor party. These things happen.

- Wasn't it his bachelor party?

- Exactly. He wasn't even married to her yet.

She was fair game.

- You're right.

Thanks, Brick. That takes a load off of my conscience.

- [Brick] What's a load off? - Sleeping with the Chief's wife.

- Are you telling me you slept with the Chief's wife

at the same bachelor party?

- It was a bachelor party, all right.

But it was a different wife.

- Oh, which one? His first or second?

- I've lost count.

- Hey, look what I got for you.

Two tickets to the ball game.

- Wow! Thanks, Brick.

You've been so good to me.

- What can I say?

You're the best, and only, partner I've ever had.

We've had some exciting times, haven't we?

- We sure have. So many adventures.

- Yeah, like that time we busted the illegals

trying to smuggle food to their families.

- Yeah, and that time that we split up the families

and sent them to different detention camps.

- Yeah, yeah.

And who could forget the time we lost all those children?

- I can still hear the parents crying. Boo hoo!

(laughing)

- Wow, I'm proud of you, partner.

Proud of the work we've done together.

- Proud? - Damn proud.

- And now for me to embark on the biggest journey of all.

Fatherhood.

it's hard to believe this is my last day

before I start paternity leave.

- And I'll be with you every step of the way.

After all we've been through,

we're practically the same person.

- That's why our badge numbers are the same, right?

- [Brick] Yeah.

- I knew it wasn't a budget thing.

This office runs like a well-oiled machine.

(pats locker) (clanking)

(cat screams)

- That's correct.

Every officer has the same badge number,

because we're all on the same team.

- Where are we going?

- We've been assigned to wall duty.

- [Partner] Wall duty?

- Yeah.

- This day keeps getting better!

Nothing exciting or dangerous ever happens at the wall.

- No.

- I'm on top of the world, Brick.

I feel like I could live forever!

(ominous music)

- Hey, partner...

Don't forget your gun.

- Thanks, officer.

Almost forgot.

- It took me hours to clean all the alien blood and guts

out of the firing mechanism.

- Looks good as new.

- Brick, yours isn't quite ready yet.

We've had to order more Vaseline.

It's still pretty far lodged up that rookie's ass.

(screaming)

There's a chance he might die.

(laughing)

- Oh, well.

Rookie's got to learn not to make eye contact somehow.

Am I right?

- Yeah.

(chuckling)

I don't think I'll be needing it anyway.

Simple walk around the wall. What could possibly go wrong?

(ominous music)

(thunder booming)

- You know, Brick, I've been thinking.

- That was probably a mistake, but go on.

- It's just that, after a long career

of border security enforcement,

a man looks back and wonders if it was all worth it.

- I don't follow in the slightest.

- I mean, we're protecting our nation

from illegal alien immigrants.

- That's correct.

- And we have this wall to keep them out.

- Also correct.

- But the aliens are from another planet.

- Is there a point you're trying to make here, partner?

- Aliens have spaceship.

I mean spaceships. More than one.

- They also have goofy looking outfits and talk all funny.

Hence the wall.

- No, but I mean, what good is a wall

if they can just fly over it with their spaceships?

Also, the aliens are coming from space,

not the other side of the wall.

They don't have to deal with it.

The wall is not an obstacle.

They could land in the middle of Times Square

if they wanted to.

- Not on my watch!

- But- - Listen, partner...

it's clear you're missing the point of our mission.

- Have I?

- Yes, you have.

You see, this wall isn't merely a super effective barrier

separating us from the alien hordes

and their barbaric foreign culture.

It's a symbol.

- [Partner] A symbol?

- Yes.

A symbol of this great nation and what makes it great.

(patriotic music)

What makes it great, you ask?

I know you know the answer

But to those alien scum who don't, I say...

this nation is an oasis.

You have your desert, and we have our oasis.

And you're not gonna come here

and soil our clean air and pure water

with your dirty foreign feet.

We will not be tread upon!

We have a certain way of life,

and it will not be disrupted by the needs of others.

When they erected this wall,

they erected a giant middle finger

from Uncle Sam to the scum of the galaxy.

When we patrol this wall, we polish that middle finger

so they can see it all the way from Uranus.

You understand?

- I think I get it.

So the wall is like a giant right-wing penis.

- Now you're getting it.

(ominous music)

- Wow. This job is more fulfilling than I thought.

- You finally figured it out, even if it is your last day.

(ominous music)

I'm proud of you, partner.

- Proud?

- Damn proud.

(gun zapping)

(dramatic music)

Hang in there, partner! We'll fix you up real good!

Hell, he hardly got ya. Stop acting like a little bitch!

Partner?

Partner?

Partner?

Partner?

(austere music)

- My fellow Americans,

I come to you today with a question.

Look around you and tell me what you see.

Life used to be awful simple, pure.

But what happened to this nation's purity and simplicity?

Gone are the mom-and-pop shops on every corner.

Gone the high-quality American automobiles

that used to fill our glittering highways,

replaced by inexpensive, intergalactic lemons!

Lemons! What of the little Jimmy's lemonade stand?

All of these things lost like memories of bygone days.

Bye-bye, gone days!

(sighs heavily)

All replaced by incomprehensible, gibbering alien tongue!

Oh.

Oh.

There's a hair on my tongue.

Oh! Disgusting, disgusting.

We'll cut this part out. Um...

(snaps fingers)

Lemonade...

High-quality automobiles...

other things you like.

Who is responsible for these disappearances, hm?

Is it the massive cuts to social welfare programs? No!

Is it the many collapses of Wall Street

due to their reckless and irresponsible behavior?

No! (laughing)

Is it my illiteracy? Certainly not!

No, my friends, there is one source and one source only,

for this contagion rotting our nation.

It is the green menace, my friends,

that spills across our borders

like too much mustard on a corn dog.

They are the reason that you are poor!

They are the reason you don't have a job!

They are the reason that you think you're ugly and stupid

and nobody likes you!

And most importantly, they are the reason

for any irritating or inconvenient thing

that happens to you at any point.

Yes, my fellow Americans.

Join us, join me, on a campaign

to restore this country to greatness

and keep our borders secure.

Votes for President Joe.

Vote for four more years!

Thank you. (chattering)

Damn straight.

Garcon, another round for me and my partner.

- Sorry, man. We don't serve his kind here.

- What? Why?

(crowd laughing)

Because he doesn't have any skin?

What are you, prejudiced?

Just because he doesn't have any skin

doesn't mean he's any less of a man.

Okay, he's a bit slow, maybe even retarded...

(crowd laughing)

but that doesn't mean he doesn't drink.

Do you have something against retards?

That's more like it.

Back in the glory days, we didn't have to pay for drinks.

We'd show up in uniform and we'd get the respect we deserve.

Now, a bunch of left-wing flower children...

told the nation we're the bad guys.

Now I can't even get a dime to call my grandmother.

Not that I have a grandmother.

And I guess payphones aren't really a thing anymore.

The point is this is what happens

when you allow transgender bathrooms.

(crowd laughing)

- Geez.

(smacks table) Uh...

All right.

I'm gonna show you a trick with some dice.

I have...

(crowd laughing)

All right...

they're gone.

(crowd laughing)

(clapping)

Look, guys, I'm a raccoon.

Now I'm back to being a man.

(crowd laughing)

- Well, partner, it's been another hard day.

Like always, we came out on top.

I'm proud of you.

(clanging)

Damn proud.

(crowd laughing)

- All right, you guys suck.

I need a volunteer.

You. Come on, come up here.

(ominous music)

Wait, you never got fall-down drunk before.

You really are dead!

- Well, let's give people a show, all right.

Let's just get you to hold this in front of your face.

- Those green bastards!

- I say the magic words.

- I'll make 'em pay!

I'll make 'em all pay!

- Bam!

We got an alien.

- What the? What?

(crowd laughing)

- Sweet green, Pee-wee, child-snatching Herman!

Die, you green-skinned devil, die!

(gun banging)

(crowd laughing)

(crowd cheering)

(crowd laughing)

(gun banging)

- Brick...

- Chief.

- Brick...

- Chief.

- Brick-

- Chief.

Before I continue,

I need you to put yourself in my shoes for a second.

- What size do you wear?

- That's not what I meant.

- Are we gonna sit around talking about shoes all day,

or are we gonna get up and walk the walk?

- You shot up a bar full of innocent people

with your dead partner's gun!

- Not my fault.

My gun's still lodged up that rookie's ass.

(screaming)

- That was a serious breach of protocol!

- Well, like I said about my gun in that rookie's ass-

- I'm talking about the shooting!

You can't just go around shooting up...

civilians in a public place.

- I don't understand.

- It looks bad for the force.

And it attracts unwanted attention.

Liberal attention.

- You don't mean...

- I'm afraid so.

We've got the liberal agenda up our asses.

- How far up?

- All the way up.

- Christ. What do they want, my head?

(sighs)

- Worse.

They want...

your balls.

(sighs)

- You know I'd do anything for the force.

- No, Brick. Not like that.

(sighs)

I'm afraid that you're gonna have to attend a...

a group therapy session.

- What in castrated Christ's name is that?

- Well, it's a...

It's a big room where a lot of...

cowards sit around, and they...

they talk about their...

feelings.

- Honestly, Chief, I'd rather just give 'em my balls

and get it over with.

- 'Fraid we can't roll that way anymore, Brick.

- Damn!

- Look, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. It's gonna be rough.

Things get hairy, just...

scream and crap your pants.

They'll all think it's one of those

made up, new age medical conditions, like...

Klinefelter syndrome, and they'll leave you alone.

I need you to do this for me, Brick.

The force needs you.

Your country needs you.

Do you think you're up for it?

- You can count on me, Chief.

There's nothing those liberal cowards could throw at me

that would crack this foundation.

(ominous music)

- So the men were getting out of the pond,

just water dripping off of their muscular, chiseled bodies.

And that's when I realized...

I was never going to make it work for me.

My dad's spent a fortune sending me to conversion camps and-

- Conversion camps?

Are you saying...

- Yes.

I was straight, and we all knew it.

But my dads didn't want a straight boy for a son,

and I didn't want to disappoint them,

so I tried everything I could to change.

I once had so many dicks in me

I looked like a game of Kerplunk.

- Thank you for sharing.

Doesn't it feel good to share?

Let's all congratulate him with a single clap.

(group claps) Very good.

Who would like to go next?

- Yeah. Thanks.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out

what the hell I'm doing here.

All I said was I was in favor of stricter gun control,

and the next thing I know I'm here.

- You're an absolute disgrace.

- [Therapy Leader] Let's move on.

Who's next?

- Men...

struation.

- I don't...

- Men...

- I get that part.

- Struation.

- Um...

- Menstruation.

It's in the goddam word, man!

They're trying to blame us?

Men?

Me?

For all they're weirdo, voodoo, women problems? Huh?

- I see.

- Trying to enslave us in their women...

Temples of doom.

- Uh-huh.

- And Viet-fucking-nam, man!

- I think that's enough sharing for now.

Let's give him a clap.

(group claps)

- Okay.

All right. How about you?

- Uh, I don't...

- Oh.

Please. We're all here for you.

(screams and farts)

Oh. Oh, sorry.

I didn't realize that you have...

Klinefelter syndrome.

We'll move on.

Who's next?

- God, I thought you'd never ask!

Jesus saved me.

Where to begin on this epic journey called life?.

Okay, you know what? They suck!

So, on the grass there they had like...

It was small for this hurricane coming up, right?

But no! NASA released from a real photo in space.

And it was like 10 times bigger then.

And so what's the deal, right?

And they saw some islands.

They had these little solar panels in this one circle,

and apparently heat can create hurricanes,

and they're doing it on these islands!

Yeah. (man heaves)

So that made me think that's why

my friend chose to pick me up that early...

(heaving)

and not let me go to where it's at, you know?

(heaving)

Well, luckily, it actually...

(heaving)

I don't know what they're doing to my nipples, but...

Mm-mm.

- I'm sorry. I'm going to have to stop you there.

One of our members isn't paying attention.

Now, Brick, when one of us is speaking,

the rest of us listen.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

That man is eating his own shit!

(unsettling music)

- We all come from different places,

and we all have different life paths,

but we must respect one another.

- Cut the horse shit!

No one here has any real problems...

except maybe the shit eater.

This is America.

We have the longest winning streak in history.

Don't tell me you're tired of winning.

- Viet-fucking-nam, man!

- Shut your pie hole!

And you, shut your shit hole.

This country is so free

that if anyone has any problems, it's their own fault,

or maybe the fault of some dirty foreigner.

I didn't hear a single racial slur. Did you?

- This kind of unfocused way of talking

is why we're not getting anywhere.

Now, Brick, tell us why you're here.

- The liberal agenda forced me here against my will.

- Really?

Now, why would the liberal agenda put you here?

- Well, I was just minding my own business,

doing my part to protect this great nation of ours,

when I had to defend myself from an alien menace.

- It says here you shot up a bar.

- Well, you say tomato and I say

mind your own damn business!

Point is I saw a problem, and I solved it with violence.

It's part of the job. Happens all the time.

I'm not the ringleader of this circus,

but someone's got to stick his head up the elephant's ass.

As far as I'm concerned,

violence is the only thing that solves anything.

It's the American way.

Think about it.

You, the woman-fearing wuss.

You and I both know that women are engaged

in an international conspiracy to overthrow men.

But when push comes to shove,

we all know that men are stronger.

And you, the self-hating straight boy.

Conversion camps aren't cutting it?

I say start some fights.

Either you'll get the straight beat out of you,

or you'll beat off some guys.

Either way, you're a winner.

And you, the lefty liberal stooge,

squatting during the National Anthem

to take a shit on the Constitution.

- Why did I get it the worst?

- People wouldn't give you shit about your opinions on guns

if you carried a gun.

Anyone disagrees with you, just blow 'em away.

And you, the shit eater.

I'd say you're a lost cause,

and I'd personally like to put you out of your misery.

But then I'd be just as bad as the baby killers

from Planned Parenthood.

No.

I say you try a game of Russian roulette.

- It sounds like you have a lot of issues, Brick,

a lot of issues.

- What?

- You've come to the right place.

This is a group that can really help.

This is a group with a hands-on approach.

- What?

Wait. Get away!

Hey! What are you doing?

Get the hell off of me!

- [Therapy Leader] We're trying to help you, Brick,

whether you like it or not...

(growling)

with positivity and mindfulness.

- Don't touch me!

- With physical affection and homoerotic overtones!

- That's close enough!

- With interpretive dance!

- I don't need dance to interpret what's wrong with you!

- With conversation, soul searching, masculine tea parties.

- If I knew what an oxymoron was, I'd say you are one.

(gasps)

- [Leader] This would be easier if you didn't struggle.

- Oh, no. Get off of me you oxymoron!

- One of us!

- [All] One of us, one of us, one of us!

(ominous music)

- So...

- Huh?

- Well, I was just wondering

what made you decide to be a border security agent?

- Oh.

And why do you?

- To serve my country, do my part. You know, the usual.

- Typical.

- Do you have a different reason?

- To cum.

- Excuse me?

- First, I'll pass training and...

get a uniform.

In uniform, girls will find me attractive.

And I will get to select a wife.

On our wedding night...

I'll finally get to cum.

- Okay, welcome new recruits.

You are training batch number 69 of this year.

(laughing)

Let's start with roll call.

Joey McAllamerican?

- Here!

- Good name. Right on the nose.

And...

New Partner?

- Here.

- Your name is New Partner?

- Yes, well, I-

- What kind of name is New Partner for a man?

- No, I'm actually not a m-

- That's right, you're not a man.

You don't get your man card back until training is over.

Okay, let's get right into it.

Who can tell me

why do you want to be border security agents?

- To cum!

- Well, yeah, but what's the number one reason?

That's right, 'cause you get a gun.

So let's start off with lesson number one, gun safety.

(gun bangs)

- Oh my god!

(unsettling music)

- Okay, uh...

Moving along to lesson number eight,

covering up your mistakes.

Typical marijuana-induced suicide.

Okay, moving on.

(can clunks)

- What happened.

- What happened?

You're looking at the aftermath of the liberal machine

pounding my ass.

One group therapy session,

and the next thing I know,

I'm singing and dancing the night away

with a bunch of over-parented,

limp-wrist draft dodgers.

Christ!

What's happened to this country?

What's happened to me?

- You're taking this too far, Brick.

You're not married to me. You're married to your job.

If you don't quit, I'm leaving you.

- Maybe you're right.

- Oh, Brick.

- I've been around, seen too much.

Thought I had it figured out, but now...

I don't recognize anything anymore.

I...

just can't...

hack it.

- But you can't quit! You're a national hero.

If you quit, I'm leaving you.

- Maybe you're right.

- Oh, Brick.

- Maybe all I need is one of those...

What do you call them?

- A vacation?

- No, I need some time not doing what I always do.

- Like a vacation?

- Now you're gettin' it.

But what does a man do when he's not doing what he does?

- Well, my friend runs a book club. You could try that.

- Gimme a break. As if you have friends.

- You're just jealous that I know how to read.

- That's why I love you, baby. You tell it like it is.

- There's gotta be something out there

that you've always wanted to try.

- Shooting aliens and driving cars at dangerous speeds

have been my only hobby since I was a child.

Joining the force was just a natural extension of that.

It's all I know.

Nothing else has ever appealed to me.

- While you're figuring that out,

I could use your help around the house.

I've written out a list of chores for you to do.

- You want me to do chores?

It's as if the pinkos have already won!

- I'm going out to meet some friends.

You can do this. I believe in you.

Just try not to fuck it up.

(emotional piano music)

(upbeat music)

- Exotic.

Hey, little old lady...

- Are you talking to me?

- No, the other old lady. Who do you think?

Tell me what goes into a pie,

or I'll deport your ass to one of those shit-hole countries.

- Fuck you, asshole!

- Even the elderly are against me.

(bags rustling)

Is this...

a pie?

(punching bag)

Who you callin' a dummy?

Bitchin'.

(energetic music)

Good afternoon, citizen.

(chuckles)

Nice try, narc.

- Narc?

You're mistaken.

I'm a red-blooded American, just like you.

- What do you want?

- I'm looking for a...

chum.

(chuckles)

- A chum? Like for fishing?

- Maybe I'm not making myself clear.

I'm looking for a pal or a buddy.

- What? You want to be my friend?

- I'm a friend to all Americans,

to the Joe six pack, to the common man.

- Look, man...

I already got a bottom bitch.

But if you want seconds...

let's see what you got.

(fly unzips)

Ah, yeah, muffin.

That's the ice cream right there on the cherry.

Mm!

- Hi, honey? How was your day?

- I...

I don't know.

If this is normal,

I don't think I'm cut out for civilian life.

- Well, did you finish everything on the list?

- Of course. Brick always gets the job done.

Pie is fresh out of the oven. Read it and weep.

- I'm almost afraid to ask about the basement.

- That was the best part.

Look, I found a camera.

What do you think?

(sensual music)

- You know, Brick, maybe you should try meditation.

- Nah. I don't like Chinese food.

- Okay, so all you do is sit on the floor

and do absolutely nothing.

- Can I bring my camera?

- No. No cameras, no guns, no thinking, no nothing.

I know you can do it, sweetie. Just try not to fuck it up.

- Well...

at least nothing could possibly go wrong.

- My fellow Americans, I'm here to talk to you

about a very important decision

coming up in the very near future,

the most important decision of your lives.

It is a choice, my fellow Americans,

between freedom and slavery, between strength and ignorance,

between pure masculinity

and limp-wristed, weak, namby-pamby wussiness.

Yes, my friends, I'm speaking about the choice

between myself, President Joe,

a man who is already president,

and some liberal, left-wing nut bar

who has never been president I would like to note,

and whose name is not fit to pass my manly lips.

(smacks lips)

Now, I know what you're asking. Is this really a choice?

Well, I don't think so, and neither should you!

There is only one name you need to remember on that ballot.

One name that represents freedom.

One name that represents America.

One name that will defend you

from the evils of the liberal agenda.

One name that will defend this planet

from the green scourge that plagues it.

Plagues it? Scourges it?

Green scourge that plagues it?

Green plague that scourges it?

Can you scourge something? Is that...

You know what? I don't care.

I don't care. Why am I asking this?

Are we done? All finished?

We done here?

- Great Job, Mr. President.

- "Nice job, Mr. President."

I'm the president. Of course it was great!

Everything I do is great!

Are you implying that at some point

I do anything less than great?

You're fired!

(sighs)

Election bullshit is messing with my perfect game.

(whacks gulf club)

(sighs)

Son of a bitch!

I mean...

(chuckles)

exactly what intended.

Perfect shot as always.

- You're an inspiration to us all, sir.

- I'm gonna cum.

- Well, I am quite amazing. It's understandable.

But right now I need you to get my balls.

My balls. There's two of them.

I don't have them. I don't have any balls.

I need you to go get them.

(birds chirping)

Go on. Get my balls!

Am I speaking Martian? Go!

Now you.

Dance for me.

Yeah, yes. Dance for me right now, here, dance.

Yes. Yes, just like that.

Yes, uncomfortable and awkward, just the way I like it.

(dramatic music)

(thumping)

Use those elbows. Elbows are the knees of the arm.

Now, my balls.

Great Scott!

- Okay now, with all that proper

etiquette bullshit out of the way,

we'll be covering self-defense.

Sound good?

- Sounds good.

- Okay, bring in the training dummy.

(ominous music)

- That's not a dummy! That's a real man!

- Oh, I assure you he's a dummy.

Isn't that right, dummy?

You want that five bucks?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

It's okay.

- I am not beating up this poor man!

- Hey! You want to work with the big boys?

This is how it's done.

Now punch that poor defenseless man in the stomach.

- I'm so sorry.

- It's fine.

My wife left me.

(grunting)

- Again.

(grunting)

- Oh, look out. He's got a gun.

- What?

- I thought you wanted to protect America.

Finish him off.

- But he's unarmed and on the floor.

I think he's had enough.

- I'll tell you when he's had enough.

(gun bangs)

- Oh my god!

- [Trainer] Okay, let's try this again.

Bring in the next dummy.

(dynamic music)

- Breaking news!

The president, while working hard in the Oval Office,

was kidnapped at a nearby golf course.

Here is exclusive footage of the events

that have left our nation in a state of emergency.

(shouting)

- Help! Help! I'm the president, and I'm being kidnapped!

I told you the alien menace was real, but no one listened!

They look different than us!

(shouting)

And they're prone to violence!

- [Reporter] Who are you and what are your demands?

- [Alien] Hey, back off, man! You think this is a game?

I got mouths to feed!

Get that fucking camera out of my face!

- With the president in alien custody,

there is no telling how long this nation

can hold itself together.

First, it starts with the socialists

letting the kids in the neighborhood play in your pool.

And then we're all just looking at the TV

in the Best Buy window, thinking, "Should I take it?"

I mean, what are we gonna do without somebody telling us what to do

every minute of the day?

We're Americans!

Where is our apple pie gonna get baked

if nobody is there to do the baking?

That's my question.

How are you going to put food on your table

when there is no table anymore,

when there is no American jobs building the tables

to put in your house to make it a house?

Where are your parents? They're not gonna help you!

Stay tuned for the footage of the inevitable riots

that are bound to take place shortly.

(gasps)

- I have to find Brick!

You have to untie me!

It's an emergency!

(grunting)

- I don't think so.

You've been a naughty little chieftain.

- What's the damn safe word? I can't remember the safe word!

- I just wiped my ass with this piece of toast.

Are you going to eat it, or is it time for a whipping?

- No, no!

Let me go!

(grunting)

- So close!

Inner peace!

I can see it!

Just a few more...

- [Wife] Brick, the Chief is on the phone.

- What? Where am I?

What's happening?

- It's called a phone call, you imbecile.

Think you can figure it out?

Of course you can, because I believe in you.

- Thanks, honey.

Hello, Chief.

Yeah, you got it.

- What did he say?

- Chief needs me back.

The nation's in crisis, and I'm the only man for the job.

This is the big league,

and it'll take more than a Wiffle bat to slam this home run.

(traditional Eastern music)

- You did it, New Partner.

Welcome to the force.

Proud of you.

(gentle piano music)

- Proud?

- Damn proud.

Get your ass over to acquisitions,

get yourself a badge, a uniform.

It's time to get you partnered up.

(gentle piano music)

- All right, Chief. What's the scoop?

- Scoop?

Where have you been?

The president was kidnapped!

- Are you sure?

- Of course I'm sure!

Haven't you seen the television? It's on every channel!

Seen the riots?

- Riots? - Riots on every street.

- I thought people were just celebrating

one of those new age, hippy-dippy holidays.

Wait...

who's that?

- Brick, let me introduce you to...

New Partner.

Your new partner.

- Partner?

New?

But, Chief, he's a...

What the hell are you?

- Well, my mother is human and my father is alien.

They met at University of Toronto,

where my father was an interplanetary exchange student

with a scholarship in-

- Toronto?

Where's that? Pluto?

- Canada.

Point is I'm half human, half alien.

- What does that make you? Mulatto?

- Are you serious?

Is he serious?

- Brick, you can't say that.

- What am I supposed to say instead? Albino?

- Oh, that is wrong for a totally other set of reasons.

- Cantaloupe?

- What?

What does that even mean?

- Listen, Brick, this is your new partner,

and you're gonna have to get used to working together

whether you like it or not.

(slams table) - But Chief, only American citizens

can serve in Border Patrol!

- For your information, I was born here just like you.

I'm a fully licensed, legal citizen.

- I'll believe it when I see the birth certificate.

(paper rustling)

This is horse shit, Chief!

I'll bet he doesn't even know the secret handshake!

- I'm gonna level with you, Brick.

The liberal agenda isn't very pleased

with your group therapy session.

We need you back,

but they will only let you back under two conditions.

One...

no guns.

- Are you kidding me?

- And number two...

you're gonna have to take New Partner along

as a sign of good faith.

- Good faith?

No gun?

Is that what you call good faith?

How am I supposed to protect this great nation?

How am I supposed to protect myself

when this green pinko freak

inevitably tries to shove a probe up my ass?

- Actually, that's a common misconception.

We only shove probes up our own asses, never someone else's.

- Ah, you hear that? Your ass is perfectly safe.

- Yeah? What about my figurative ass?

My literal ass won't be worth shit

if he can't cover my ass, figuratively, on the street.

You need someone you can trust,

someone who's got your back and front, literally.

- My hands are tied, Brick.

Give him a shot, will ya?

He's passed all the same tests,

had all the same training as you.

Why, he's as American as mincemeat pie.

- You can count on me, Brick!

Listen here, Slick.

I may not like you, I may not trust you,

but you can count on one thing.

I am watching you.

If you so much as look at me funny

with those things you call eyes,

I will kick your ass all the way back to the outer cosmos,

where you came from.

Oh, one thing...

I always drive.

- Um...

No, Brick, you can't drive.

- What?

Do you have to do that?

- Do what?

- Drive like that?

- What are you talking about?

- The way you drive, it lacks the...

the pizzazz, the hip hop groove

that tells citizens you're street savvy.

- None of that made any sense.

- Listen, if you just pull over, I could show you-

- Nope! No way.

The Chief will have both of our asses.

- There you go, thinking about asses again.

You've got a one-track mind, assuming you have a mind.

(turns on radio)

- What are you doing?

- Putting on some kick-ass tunes.

Nothing gets me in the mood to kick ass

like a kick-ass soundtrack.

- Could you not?

I don't like distractions while I'm driving.

- That may be the lamest thing I've ever heard!

And I've heard more than my share

of the flag-burning Dixie Chicks.

How are we supposed to enforce the law

without a kick-ass soundtrack?

- This isn't a movie, Brick.

- My life...

is...

a movie.

- Well, mine isn't. I happen to take my job very seriously.

I act very professional and respectful to others.

- We're talking about foreign invaders, illegal aliens.

They may be the same color as you,

but they don't deserve your respect.

If I knew what a conflict of interest was,

I'd say I detect one.

- Well, there is no conflict of interest.

- What's a conflict of interest?

- Any suspect deserves our respect

until they've been proven guilty.

- Cut the horse shit, New Partner!

I've been doing this job a lot longer than you.

It's simple. We see perps, we bust 'em!

- You mean arrest them?

- If by arrest, you mean execute with extreme prejudice,

then the answer is yes.

- Well, that's not what they taught us in the academy.

- Listen, there's what they teach you in the Academy,

and there's what you learn on the street.

When we're out there and things get hairy,

you've gotta think fast.

And I didn't bring my razor blade for shaving

if you catch my drift.

- Is that a literal or a figurative razor?

- Literal.

See?

- I thought you said you didn't bring one.

I didn't bring my figurative razor,

but I did bring my literal razor.

- So what's it for?

- Branding

To let the perp's buddies know that their time is coming,

that Brick's on the case, and I'm coming for them,

and they're not gonna get away that easy.

- Jesus Christ, Brick! You brand suspects with a razor?

- You say that as if there's something wrong with that.

- It is wrong!

You're like some kind of a prehistoric moron.

- Listen, we're the good guys.

That's what sets us apart from the bad guys.

Everything we do is good by default,

just like everything they do is bad.

Every time they breathe the fresh American air,

they commit a crime,

and I will personally suck the air out of their lungs.

You worry me, New Partner.

I need to know I can trust you.

When push comes to shove,

I need to know you're in my corner,

landing spectacular hip shots with a pistol called justice.

You follow?

- I- - Ooh, coffee! Pull over!

(tires screeching)

(cat screams)

(squeaking)

- Okay, here's your coffee with cream and sugar.

- Perfect.

This is what it's all about.

All-American drink from an all-American establishment.

This is what we're fighting for.

This is why we put our lives on the line.

Wait, what did you get?

- Soy drink.

(groans)

Are you-

What in the fuck?

You almost made me spit out my fine American coffee.

Is this some kind of joke?

- I can't have sugar or dairy.

My body doesn't produce the enzymes necessary to digest-

- Christ!

Next thing you'll tell me you don't drink booze either.

- [New Partner] Well, I- - You know what?

I don't want to hear another one of your excuses.

My red-blooded American heart can only bleed so much.

- [Dispatcher] Calling any available officers.

There's a situation in progress.

Possible illegal alien safe Haven located downtown.

- Finally, some action! Hit it!

(dramatic music)

(seat belt clicks)

(dramatic music)

- All right. It's your first day, so I'll keep it simple.

Button hook entrance, spray everything in sight,

and when backup arrives, we tell them they shot first

and threatened to undermine the pursuit of happiness.

- No! I'm not doing that!

- Fine, wimp.

We'll tell 'em they made lewd gestures

towards the Statue of Liberty.

And if they investigate-

- No! I mean we're not gonna shoot up the place willy nilly.

- This is no time to be trigger shy, New Partner.

Are you a can-aloupe or a can't-aloupe?

- I don't even know what that means.

- If we start arresting aliens,

it could take hours, maybe even days to process them all.

Do you have any idea how much that'll cost

the all-American taxpayer?

- I don't care how much it costs!

There could be innocent people inside.

Besides, there's protocol to follow.

- Protocol?

How long have you been dry humping the liberal agenda?

You protocol-following pansy!

- I don't have to take this abuse from you.

I've got the gun. We're doing this my way.

- All right, tough guy. What's your big idea?

- Knock.

- Knock?

- I'm gonna knock, look inside.

If I see anything suspicious,

we'll have probable cause to enter.

- Fine, we'll try it your way.

But you wouldn't be so tough without that gun.

(knocks)

My turn!

(kicks in door)

Just as I thought!

A group of alien scum undermining the pursuit of happiness.

- You can all just stay right there.

We just have a few questions.

(squeaking)

- Look over there!

Their sinister alien leader!

You stay here and deal with the paperwork.

This load's about to be toast.

(dramatic music)

Gotcha, you green, gutless jabroni!

Now, spill the beans before I spill your guts.

What are you doing making American flags?

Those are quality jobs that should go

to average Joe Americans.

- [Alien] It's too late, Brick.

We're too deep in the system now.

- Wait a minute, Brick.

He's not an alien.

I think he's wearing a mask.

- A mask?

Oh!

Oh, shit!

You're a badder dude than I thought.

You just ripped his face off!

- I didn't rip his face off, Brick!

He's a white man disguised as an alien.

I bet you he's using them to run his sweatshop.

- That's not possible.

The big shots at the top are looking out

for the little guys like you and me.

They wouldn't give our jobs away.

He...

He must be an alien, right?

Did you use your space laser to fry my brain?

What...

What's happening to me?

You're...

You're both aliens, huh?

I'll kill you!

I'll kill you all!

(grunting)

Get your paws off me, you damn, dirty space ape!

- Sheila...

No, listen to me, Sheila!

She's a lying whore!

I don't know anybody named Ass Breaker.

No, no, wait. Did you say Ass Breaker or Ass Dominator?

Because I might know someone named Ass Dominator.

(thud)

Ow!

- I'm off the force.

- Brick, wait!

(delicate piano music)

Please, Brick.

We need you.

- Need me? You don't need me.

I'm a relic.

I should be working in a post office.

This force used to stand for something,

something that made sense.

Now, everywhere I look,

I hear people whining for human rights.

They even want human rights for aliens!

- The times they are a-changin', Brick.

But so can you.

- I can't change. It's too late for me.

Look at what I've been reduced to.

No gun, no fast, reckless driving,

and I've been partnered with the enemy.

The system's broken, Chief, and the liberal agenda broke it.

- You're the only one that can fix it, Brick.

- It's too late!

I used to make a difference around here.

Now I'm just in the way.

- But where will you go?

- I don't know.

Somewhere where things still make sense.

One thing's for sure.

I'm not gonna find that place standing around

gabbing with you.

- You might want to consider South Carolina.

- Yeah, it's on my list.

Goodbye, Chief, and good luck.

You're gonna need it.

- Godspeed, Brick.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

(emotional country music)

♪ Mama always told me ♪

♪ That you were too good for me ♪

♪ That you'd leave when you figured it out ♪

♪ Easy just to laugh it off ♪

♪ This busy body crazy talk ♪

♪ Besides we were in love ♪

♪ But you walked right up to me ♪

♪ And you told me that you hated me ♪

♪ I died a bit that day ♪

♪ Tell me what was I s'posed to say ♪

♪ I died a little that day ♪

♪ Turns out Mama was right ♪

♪ She always spoke the truth ♪

♪ Don't talk to girls ♪

♪ I didn't listen till ♪

♪ Don't talk to girls ♪

♪ I never needed you ♪

♪ Don't talk to girls ♪

♪ I never needed you needed you ♪

♪ Don't talk to girls ♪

♪ She always spoke the truth ♪

♪ Don't talk to girls ♪

(door closes)

- [Wife] You're home early.

- Yeah. I took a shortcut.

Listen, I've got to tell you something,

and it's not gonna be easy.

- Sweetie, there's nothing. You can say

that I wouldn't understand.

- I quit the force.

- God damn it, Brick!

You've always been a fuck up, you know that?

I knew I should have married that Texas oil tycoon.

- They didn't leave me any option.

World's changed, and it's left me behind.

I'm washed up, burnt out.

Like one of those foreign-made cars

with superior gas mileage.

- There's only one thing you can do to make this right.

- Go back to school? Get another job?

Make positive changes in my life?

- No. You should drink yourself into a stupor.

- You're right.

I can always count on your female intuition, wife.

- [Wife] Stop calling me that! I'm not your wife.

- What? - Here, take this giant bottle of booze,

go into the meditation room,

and don't come out until your head's on straight.

- That's a lot of booze. That could probably kill me.

- We can only hope.

(gentle guitar music)

- Hey, Brick. Good to see you again, buddy.

Remember that time we went to the park?

Good times.

(gentle guitar music)

Hey, Brick. Good to see you again.

Remember that time we played sport?

Good times.

(gentle guitar music)

Hey, Brick. Good to see you again.

Remember that time we went fishing?

Goo- (screaming)

(chainsaw buzzing)

Oh, god!

I'm melting!

(groaning)

- Oh, you're still alive.

- I...

think I just had an apostrophe.

I think it said I have to...

go on.

I have...

unfinished business.

- Will this unfinished business keep you out of the house?

- Yeah, I think so.

- Then I say go for it, sweetie! I believe in you.

- But first I'm gonna need some help.

Some...

Majestic, wizard-like help.

- And where will you find that?

- You meet a lot of strange people in my line of work.

(dramatic music)

(emotional blues music)

All right, where is he?

Him?

- Mother of God! No, not him.

The magic man with the tricks.

- This isn't that kind of bar.

- What do you take me for?

I saw him. I was here.

At first I thought it was slight of hand,

but when he survived my hail of bullets

I knew it was the real thing.

- Oh, you mean Terry.

- I mean the wizard.

- Okay, the last time you were in here

you shot up the whole bar.

I'm still cleaning blood off the walls.

Why would I just give him your address?

- Because the future of your country may depend on it.

And the future of your ass definitely depends on it!

- Are you sure you're in the right bar?

(fingers breaking)

- The address.

Now!

(fingers breaking)

(knocking)

Wizard.

- What?

- I have searched far and wide to find you, wizard.

From the bar to the...

Well, I guess just the bar.

But the point remains.

I've sought you out because I must learn

the mystical ways of our ancestors

to defeat the evil from outer space.

- Hey, aren't you, that guy that fired off a gun

at my last show?

- Let's leave the past in the past,

except for the part about the magic.

I need that in the now.

- Wait, do you think magic's real?

Look, man, I'm not a wizard.

I just perform shitty magic tricks

that anyone could do at a bar.

- This be enough?

- I am the fucking wizard. Come in, sir.

- Wow.

It's exactly how I imagined.

- Yeah.

My familiar threw a shit fit last week.

Took the kids. You know, wizard stuff.

- Intriguing.

What's this?

It's for Klinefelter syndrome.

Uh, it's magic fairy dust.

I freebase magic fairy dust.

What can I do for you?

- I'll save you the trouble of reading my mind

and cut to the chase.

- Yeah, thanks.

- There's a storm coming, but this ain't no hurricane.

No, these tornadoes aren't a force of nature

but a force of anger against the non-man menace

if you catch my drift.

- No, not at all.

Did you say something?

The president has been kidnapped,

and I need to harvest your magic powers

so I can mount a rescue mission against impossible odds.

Here, I brought my drill.

(drill buzzing)

Hold still for a minute, will ya?

- Whoa, man, chill.

You don't got magic powers by drilling it

out of someone's skull!

- Are you sure.

- Yeah, I'm pretty fucking sure. I'm the wizard here.

You get it with, like, practice and...

Look, the point is no drilling.

- Damn.

How long is this gonna take?

- Well, I guess that depends on you...

and your willingness to learn.

- You can mold me like putty in your hand.

I'm willing.

- Okay, great.

The first lesson is patience.

- Let's skip that.

- Look, man, patience is what made me what I am today.

Look around.

You could have all of this.

(can clinks)

- Wow.

All right! I'm in.

- Okay.

Lesson one. Um...

Go do all those dishes.

Dry 'em afterwards and stack 'em nicely.

- What in the majestic hell

does this have to do with gaining magic powers?

- Look, look, man. You don't want to do it, right?

- Right.

- So, this will teach you patience.

And that helps you...

You know...

with stuff.

(enthusiastic music)

- All right. I'll do it.

Not for you. Not for me.

But For the president.

For the country.

For freedom.

(enthusiastic music)

(sighs)

- Well, Brick, you finally did it.

You've achieved your dream.

Now go. Leave me.

- But what about my magic powers?

Don't you see, Bill?

The magic power was inside you all long.

- That sounds like some foreign pinko horse shit!

- Okay, sure.

Well, why don't you smoke this magic stuff?

- You're sure this isn't drugs?

- Sure I'm sure.

(lighter clicks)

(psychedelic sound effects)

- [Spirit Animal] Hi, Brick.

It's me, your spirit animal.

- What? What are you?

- [Spirit Animal] Don't you recognize me?

I'm with you always.

- Where am I now?

- [Spirit Animal] Don't worry. Nothing can hurt you here.

- I don't know about that.

- [Spirit Animal] You have many trials

and tribulations coming up ahead.

You must prepare yourself.

(grumbling)

I brought a friend. He will help explain things better.

Good luck, Brick! Goodbye!

- Brick, you do not know me,

but I've been watching you from the spectral realm.

I want you to know, Brick, the power lies deep within you.

Deep within.

I want you to reach.

Reach inside of yourself and find the power.

(hammer banging) Power. The power that you know you have.

(hammer banging) (squelching)

The powers is inside of you.

The power is deep inside!

(hammer banging) (squelching)

- Wow!

Thank you, wizard!

You are as good as your word.

I won't forget this.

This country owes you a debt of gratitude.

If the 1,500 I gave you wasn't enough,

I could write you a check.

- If you don't mind.

- Are you kidding?

What better way to spend taxpayer money?

(intense music)

(shouting)

- Shh.

(speaking foreign language)

(gun cocks)

(gun clicks)

(shouting)

(shouting)

Shh.

(speaking foreign language)

(gun clicks)

(shouting)

(gun bangs)

(groaning)

- Good evening, citizens.

No, your eyes do not deceive you.

It is I, Brick Forcefury.

As you may have heard, I'm now a fully fledged magician

with a license to murder.

I wish to test my newly acquired powers

by challenging your champion.

- Brick, what are you doing here?

- I should ask you the same thing.

I'm surprised you'd grace an establish of ill refute

with your presence.

- This is the only public form of entertainment

that hasn't banned aliens!

But you're not serious about partaking in this.

- Why not? I'm a magician.

- This is a place where people come to pay off their debts.

Nobody walks out of here alive.

- Don't you know about magicians?

We're majestic, a superior race of super-humans.

- Don't do it, Brick.

- Relax.

Just one round and I'm done.

(speaking in foreign language)

(gun cocks)

(gun clicks)

(cheering)

- Shh.

- Not a problem.

I hope you've placed your bets.

I'm about to make you all rich men.

- Don't do it, Brick!

(gun bangs)

- What'd you do that for?

(thump)

(grunting)

(gun banging)

(intense music)

- [New Partner] We've gotta get out of here!

(chair clatters)

- I underestimated you, New partner.

You kicked a lot of ass back there.

More importantly, you had my back.

- Of course I did. That's what partners do.

You would have done the same for me.

- Uh, yeah.

Right.

- What were you doing in there anyway?

- I had to test my magic powers

before rescuing the president.

- Your what?

- It's a long story.

Let's just cut to the chase and say

I paid a magician to do his chores, if you catch my drift.

- How does putting a gun to your head unleash your powers?

Are your powers dying?

Actually, I'm not entirely sure.

But I know it comes from within.

- That's great and all, but a Russian roulette

is not gonna help you save the president.

No, what you need is a spaceship.

- A spaceship! Right!

What else? - [New Partner] Just one more thing.

- Tell me.

- A partner.

(delicate piano music)

- All right, New Partner.

Consider yourself...

my partner.

(arms patting)

But before we go, there's something I've got to do.

(screaming)

(farting)

Bitchin'.

(thrilling music)

All right, partner. You were ready for this?

- I was born buddy.

All right, what's the plan, Brick?

- Our main target is the mothership.

But to reach it, we'll probably have to get past

a shit ton of fighters.

- This is suicidal!

- For lesser men, yes.

But for us, a cake walk.

You do eat cake, don't you, partner?

- For you, Brick, I'd eat a shit sandwich.

- That's disgusting.

A simple yes would have sufficed.

All right, punch it.

(rockets roaring)

(lasers zapping)

- They're coming in fast!

- Coming fast is my specialty.

All right, I'll take right, you take left, right?

- Wait. What are you...

(heavy gunfire)

(explosion)

(lasers zapping)

- I got one on my tail. I can't shake him!

- Hold on, Brick. I'm coming for you.

- I'm not gonna make it. Tell my wife I...

(heavy gunfire)

- Tell her yourself.

- What'd you do that for? I had him.

(lasers zapping)

- Shit! Brick, I got two on me!

- No time, partner. I got to get to that mothership.

You got this. I believe in you

- But... (dramatic music)

- [Alien] You've done well, Brick.

Against all odds, you've overcome every obstacle

and achieved the impossible.

Tell me, how did you do it?

Was it luck?

- Luck has nothing to do with it.

- [Alien] Well, what then?

- Well, my American upbringing,

from the Boy Scouts to the Border Patrol.

My belief in American values.

And my strict adherence do an all-American diet.

- [Alien] You certainly are a credit to America

and the human race.

- You bet your ass I am!

And now I'm gonna stop your tyrannical scheme.

- [Alien] Oh, I have no doubt about that.

But did you ever wonder, Brick...

Did you ever consider how it was possible

for you to get so far?

- I don't understand.

- [Alien] Precisely, Brick.

You're an idiot, a chump, a dummy.

Nobody with your meager intelligence

could ever get this far on their own.

- Well, I had help from a magician and my partner.

- [Alien] Of course.

Your new partner, the half alien, half human freak.

She represents the future of your-

- She?

- [Alien] Yes, she represents the future of your country.

And if you fail-

- I don't know the meaning of the word fail.

- [Alien] I'm sure there are many words

you don't know the meaning of.

But the fact is you won't fail the way you expect to fail.

- Huh?

- [Alien] What if I told you, Brick, that your success

isn't thanks to the help of your new partner

but to the help of your old partner?

- What?

- Hello, Brick.

- But...

you're dead!

- I assure you I'm very much alive, Brick.

- But I put drinks down the gullet of your lifeless corpse!

- A corpse, yes, but not mine.

It was a ringer, Brick, cleverly disguised to deceive you.

- What?

- Don't you see, Brick?

We're part of something bigger, something important.

- If you were my partner,

you would have killed this alien bastard before I arrived.

We took an oath, an oath to rid the earth of alien scum,

to uphold the American cause.

- [Alien] Precisely.

And what better way to fuel a cause than with...

Than with a martyr?

- What?

I don't...

What...

I don't...

- That's right, Brick, it was me,

your Commander-in-Chief, the whole time.

(stuttering)

It was I who set in motion

All the elements of your entire plan and revenge.

(cackles)

I've been making you dance like a puppet

since day one, Brick.

You've been my little puppet dancer...

- What?

Uh...

Yeah?

- The U.S. government will be able to abolish

all civil liberties.

- I...

I don't know. - [President] All civil liberties.

- Uh...

what? - Entirely at my discretion.

And after my spectacular Hollywood Navy Seal rescue...

(cackles)

oh, the American public will eat it up with with a spoon.

- I don't...

I don't understand.

- No longer will we suffer the inconvenience

of democratic process. (laughs)

Oh, no. - And the magician? Was he part of your plan?

- No, Brick, that was just some dumb shit you did

because you're a dumb ass!

- Oh. - Think about it, Brick.

You may be stupid. Indeed, you are stupid.

But compared to the masses, you could be a god.

join us, Brick.

- Join us, Brick.

- Together, we will crush the liberal agenda.

First we take the nation, then we'll take the world.

- Do it for me.

Do it for yourself.

We can be kings!

Aren't you tired of being bossed around?

Don't you want to do the bossing for a change?

We can be all-powerful!

- There's just one thing.

- What is it?

- You can't give me powers,

because I've had them all along...

inside me.

(gun bangs)

- Fool!

(laser zapping)

(gun clatters)

You who will suffer for your tomfoolery.

(gun bangs)

- Not if I have anything to say about it.

- You're alive!

- Of course.

You wouldn't have left me

unless you knew I'd be okay, right?

- Uh, yeah. Right.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah, I think I'm okay.

But this jabroni...

(gun cocks)

He's fucked.

- Fools! If you kill me, my evil plan succeeds.

What are gonna do about that?

- He's right.

At least, I think he's right.

- We can't let him get away with this.

- There must be another way.

Justice must be served, without all the bad stuff he said.

- If we arrest him, the country will collapse.

If he dies, alien genocide.

- Wait!

What if...

the blame went...

elsewhere?

- Elsewhere?

- Yeah, like...

an escaped goat.

- You mean scapegoat?

- Close enough.

- But who could take the blame?

Who would the idiot masses believe to be capable

of such an elaborate scheme?

- I know!

(gun bangs)

(dynamic music)

- It was a daring rescue attempt

by nation hero Brick Forcefury

and his new partner, New Partner.

But unfortunately, they were unable to save the president

from the dreaded...

space Jews.

Regardless, the country pays tribute to Brick Forcefury

and New Partner.

We take you live to Times Square,

where a parade is being held in their honor.

- Atta-boy, Brick!

Yes! I knew you could do it!

(peaceful music)

- Has somebody been a bad boy?

- Yes! (chuckles)

Yes, I'm pathetic!

I'm a disgrace to the badge!

Everything I do turns to shit! (laughs)

(peaceful music)

- Do you think we did the right thing?

- Don't worry.

If there's one thing I know about history, it's this...

History never repeats itself.

(joyful music)

(energetic rock music)