Original subtitles

[woman] The day I met my husband...

How about I keep you to myself for the rest of the afternoon?

-Oh? -And for the next couple years?

A lucky pirate that finds treasure

doesn't yell for his mates,

-he keeps it. -Oh.

-How about some lunch? -Sure.

We wouldn't want to make love on an empty stomach.

Well, I guess not,

especially not with a perfect stranger.

Where the heck did you get the idea that I was perfect?

Men always tell you exactly who they are,

we just don't listen.

Be my wife. Marry me, Joanna.

Yes.

I'll never let you go.

[Joanna] Good.

Why don't we listen?

[applause]

Sometimes, it's easier to see the truth

if I imagine an audience

watching my life play out on stage.

I imagine what they must be thinking.

Before your very eyes,

I will create the perfect woman

for my very own.

[applause]

[Joanna] Marriage is an illusion.

It's always perfect in the beginning.

This perfect shiny bubble...

waiting to burst.

I fantasized about killing him right from the start.

I knew it felt bad.

[applause]

I just didn't know how bad it could get.

[woman] Can you believe this?

I almost had sex with a complete stranger

in my child's playroom.

God! I have a drinking problem, I know.

I have to tell my husband before he leaves me.

[sobs] I don't know how to tell him.

I-- I don't know.

You know all the answers.

What do you think I should do?

I mean, are you sure you have to tell him?

I think I should. He knows something is up.

Oh...

And, you know, I wanted to be honest with him.

He knows I-- I can't tell a lie.

Well, you weren't really happy with him anyway, were you?

Oh, I don't care. I can't lose my husband.

I can't stand to be, "Poor Karen,

we must have her over for dinner one night."

One of those single women

that everybody secretly feels bad for.

[Karen groans]

Oh, what am I talking about? It's my nightmare, not yours.

Well, nightmares usually end, you know,

and this one will too.

-Come on, have a cigarette. -Thanks.

-[knock on door] -Yes?

-[door opens] -[woman] Sorry to interrupt.

Your mother called again for the third time.

Tell her I'll call her right back, will you?

[woman] Sure thing. Also, Bob Atkins called

looking for your husband.

-Yes, all right. -[door closes]

Okay. I should go.

I've taken up enough of your time.

Now, look, you know better than that.

I've got to go to the store.

My life is falling apart, but my kids still have to eat.

[chuckles] That's true.

-What time is it? -It's almost 4:30.

[Karen] Oh, one of your husband's designs.

-Yes. -I hope you know

how lucky you are.

Oh, I do. Believe me, I do.

Thank you for--

-Oh, God, Joanna. -Oh, get it together.

Remember what we said? No regrets. You promise?

I can't promise but...

-I'll try. -That's my girl.

And just call me any time you need, okay?

-Thanks. -Day or night.

Poor Karen.

Jesus, pathetic.

-[phone rings] -[woman] Bob Atkins, line two.

Yes, Bob?

Why your husband won't call me back is beyond me.

I've DuPont ready to go for a golf outing on Tuesday.

[Joanna] At the club?

And you tell him he better be there.

Now, what is the damn hold up? Where is he?

Oh, well, Greg is just dying to go to the country club,

but couldn't he go next week?

Absolutely not. This isn't just about golf.

We are friends, but I'm still his boss.

Yes, I know.

Well, tell him to call me immediately.

I want to speak to him.

Okay, all right.

[sighs]

What the hell am I supposed to do?

How did I let this get so bad?

How could I possibly explain this?

Oh, what the hell am I going to say?

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello, and thank you for inviting me

to tell my story tonight.

You see, my husband--

Well, he has been very busy lately.

He's taken on nocturnal bird watching

as a hobby.

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello, and thank you for inviting me

to tell my story tonight.

You see, my husband--

Well, he has been very busy lately.

He left on a trip this past weekend

to meet his long lost twin brother.

-[applause] -Thank you. Thank you.

Hello, and thank you for inviting me

to tell my story tonight.

You see, my husband,

well, slept with one of his students

about two months after we were married.

Believe me, I didn't mind.

Here's a letter dated about one week after our honeymoon.

"From the moment I laid eyes on her,

I knew she was a girl I'd have to follow

'til the very end.

There's something about her,

the way she looks at me in class like I'm..."

[Greg] ...the smartest man she's ever met.

Something so helpless and innocent about her.

I could do things to her. Could break her in two.

-[glass breaking] -[gasping]

What's the matter with me?

[switch clicks]

[Joanna] My wedding day.

[applause]

This strange performance

of who I thought I wanted to be.

How do we lose ourselves so easily?

Where do we go?

[car door opens, closes]

[engine starts]

-Hi. -[brakes squeal]

Hey, you! Be careful.

Don't you ever scare me like that again.

Do you hear me?

I thought you were gonna give me some cookies.

Maybe later on.

-Do you promise? -Yes, I promise.

You stay right there in that driveway

until I get out.

Do you understand?

Hey, where are you going?

[brakes squeal]

[Joanna] It's just-- Well,

we're going on a long trip soon,

so I really need access to these funds.

We're sorry for wasting your time today,

but, unfortunately, the account is under your husband's name.

-Can I change it now? -Of course.

Oh, that-- that's great.

Oh, I'm glad we can do it for you.

My husband is so pleased with this bank.

I'll give you one of our standard forms here.

-Form? -Yes, one of these.

You mean, I can't change it now?

Just take the form home to your husband,

uh, have him fill it out, and, uh, when you bring it back,

I can release all the cash easy.

But why is that necessary?

-Uh, these are the rules. -Oh.

The account was set up in his name,

so we'll need his signature to authorize the release--

Well, I can assure you my husband is fine with it.

-Sure. -Yes.

But like I said,

we'll need his signature to authorize this.

Once I get his name on this form,

-we'll be good to go. -Ugh...

[man] You know what?

When you get home, why don't you just

have him call my office,

and we can do a verbal authorization.

[echoing]

When did I lose control?

You think I don't know your plan?

You're gonna be very disappointed

when it backfires.

Joanna.

I don't want to intrude,

but is your husband sick? I haven't seen him in a while.

[Joanna] Sometimes I have this feeling

in the pit of my stomach.

[woman] Of course, I-- I want to make sure...

This is not my home.

[woman] I know your husband is very particular about the lawn,

so whatever you need, just call me.

-I am right next door. -This is not my life.

[woman] I remember, he was very upset

with the reindeer menagerie.

Where is he, by the way?

I-- I haven't seen him for some time,

is he okay?

How are you, by the way?

[vacuum whirring]

[applause]

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello, and thank you for inviting me

to tell my story tonight.

You see, my husband has been very sick lately.

He's not as strong as he lets on.

A rare disease of the heart.

[vacuum whirring]

[applause]

Hello, and thank you for inviting me

to tell my story tonight.

You see, my husband fell off a ladder

trying to clean the gutters last weekend, and--

[vacuum whirring]

Hello.

Hello, and thank you for inviting me

to tell my story today.

You see, my husband knew

he didn't have much longer to live,

so he took his own life.

I guess he loved me so much,

he didn't want me to watch him suffer any longer.

[vacuum whirring]

Hello. You see, my husband...

You see, my husband, well...

Hello. Hello.

You see, my husband...

[scream]

Oh...

-Hi. -[gasps]

Oh. You scared me.

Shh!

What's the matter?

Oh, you don't have to worry now.

He-- He's fine. I was just fixing his lunch.

-Hm. -Do you not believe me?

He's dead, so he doesn't need lunch.

I told you I'd give you a cookie.

See?

Say the truth.

What did you say?

You have to tell the truth.

I'm gonna kill you.

I decided that this morning.

-[straining] -[laughing]

[applause]

Hello.

[distorted] You see, my husband-- Oh, thank you.

Hello.

You see, my husband-- Hello.

And today, for inviting me to tell my--

[distorted] He's a very bad man.

Women are like knives.

They'll either cut you or serve you

depending on how you pick them up.

[Joanna] When did I disappear?

Where did I go?

[gasps]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[applause]

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is the most wonderful trick of all,

to get rid of a woman.

[panting]

Sometimes, I have to remind myself

that I have done nothing wrong.

I am not bad.

I have done nothing wrong.

-[gunshot] -[grunting]

[gunshot]

-[gunshot] -[gasp]

[gunshot]

[rapid gunshots]

Hey. Bang, bang!

Did you get the bad guy?

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello, and thank you for inviting me

to tell my story today.

You see, my husband, well...

found out I was going to divorce him.

I knew he had a gun, but he didn't know

I had one as well.

I certainly never thought it would come to this.

But I will say as a woman,

we have to do what we can to survive.

[phone rings]

[rings]

[rings]

[rings]

Yes?

[woman] Joanna, you okay?

-Yes. -Oh, good.

Everything's fine over here. I somehow made it out alive.

And I'm so sorry about all the...

- -[talking indistinctly]

[sobbing]

[horn blowing]

[man] All aboard!

[indistinct chatter]

[gong sounding]

[big band music plays]

All aboard!

All aboard!

Sometimes you have to go far away

to get back to yourself.

Well, good evening.

What is it with me and men?

John.

How do you do, John?

Can we really change?

Thank you very much.

See ya, sailor.

So, would you like a cigarette?

Yes, I'd love one.

[chuckling]

The roses are beautiful. Thank you for sending them.

So, where will you be stationed?

Uh, I wish I knew.

I mean, any particular post?

Doesn't really matter.

They're all more or less the same.

-Oh. -Except for the women.

They're all different.

-I like women. -So do I.

I think they're the real fun of travel for me.

Uh, meeting someone.

There's always a chance of meeting

that one special person.

Like you must have.

Oh...

It is Mrs. something, isn't it?

Yes.

My, uh... husband died a year ago.

[chuckles]

Did I thank you for the roses?

Mm-hmm.

But I'd love to hear you say it again.

Yeah? Thank you.

I think I'd better say thank you for the lovely conversation,

and say goodnight like a good girl.

You sure?

Yes. Goodnight.

Sometimes it's easier to just disappear.

[applause]