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I felt very vulnerable as a woman.

Like, I was much smaller.

Even though you're not a-- I don't know, I mean, you're--

you're not considered a vulnerable person a lot of times,

I'm half, one third the size now.

-And you had a vagina, which was-- -And-- yeah.

I usually don't have things that people want to have sex with,

so that was very strange for me.

-Uh... -[chuckles]

[cheerful rock music]

[air conditioner buzzing]

[sharp thuds]

-[Christmas music] -[soft rattles]

Mommy, why is Christmas canceled?

Don't worry, son.

Christmas can never truly be canceled.

-Will that be all, Mr. Crenshaw? -Hey, Mark, you've done enough.

Why don't you go home and spend some time with the family?

Take care of yourself.

[Vanessa] Becky, we need to hurry!

The bank is going to take possession

of this place at midnight!

[Becky] Vanessa, we know that.

Why aren't you upset about this?

[coughs] Oh, it's very sad.

Becky, I've got something to show you!

I don't want to hear it.

Haven't you done enough already?

[Phillip] I-- I found the deed.

It was in your ornament this whole time.

[Becky] My grandmother's ornament?

[Mr. Crenshaw] This means that the bank doesn't have to foreclose on us.

It says Vanessa signed off on this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not so fast!

Is this mean you're going to stay?

-[chuckles] -Oh, Phillip has to go back home to Dallas.

This is my home.

But your dream of being an Olympic fencer...

That's not important any more.

When I found out I inherited

a Christmas tree farm in Mellow Falls,

I didn't even know where that was.

I knew nothing of haystack dances

or Earl's Gingerbread contests.

And I didn't know I'd find a girl as wonderful as you here.

[inspirational music]

[ornament rattles]

You never forget who you are.

Oh, just kiss her already!

Earl! Have you been here this whole time?

[laughs]

Well, you heard the man.

[inspirational music]

[applauding]

[sharp rattles]

During that time, I was pretty much a mess.

I was moping around, I was pretty heartbroken.

The breakup made me put up a huge wall

and find it difficult to connect with people

or even be around people after that.

[refrigerator buzzes]

Hi, Maria.

How are you?

[sighs] Not great.

Let's just say I didn't handle the breakup well.

-My family never really liked him... -Why are you upset

about breaking up with him?

You're acting like Mom!

I u-- used to always think it was--

would be better to be a guy,

and that I probably wouldn't be feeling

as sad as I was feeling

if I was just a guy.

I wish I was a guy!

Better be careful what you wish for,

because that did happen.

-And the last thing you wanted was to be a man... -And--

-...I guess. -The last thing I wanted

was to, um,

be in this position that we're in.

Being a man was one thing, but being...

-Yeah, but I-- -...Casey was another.

[slosh]

[Casey] Okay, I was

a little bit unhealthy.

His lifestyle went against

everything I believed in.

Whoa, wait. Check her out.

I mean, the lettering is right on the butt.

It's just begging to be looked at.

[man on radio] Do you drive your car or does your car drive you?

-Come on down... -In Soviet Russia, car drive you.

And while I'm closer with my brother

than probably you are with your sister, I--

I was pretty lonely at the time too, I think.

-Uh... -[CJ] So I think in that sense,

we were two lonely people living very different lifestyles.

I don't want to say we were forced together.

-It's called fate. It's called destiny. -Oh, fate, destiny.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

[upbeat rock music]

[interviewer] Now, can you all introduce yourselves?

I'm Casey.

My name is CJ.

We swapped bodies.

[lively music]

[car engine rumbling]

[soft thud]

[paper rustling]

-[phone ringing] -[man] So I guess you know that Hitchero & Company

wants to buy us out.

But we obviously want to fetch a good price.

[soft thud]

Swish.

I'm sorry, sir.

Buy us out?

I-- I thought it was a merger.

What's the difference?

Well, both companies get to keep their identities, for one.

Oh, I don't think you know mergers work.

I've been married 20 years,

I've never heard of it working that way.

Besides, I want to cash out now while I can still enjoy my money.

And I know I couldn't have a better person

to help me negotiate with Hitchero & Company...

other than you.

Me?

I-- I would love to, sir. [softly chuckles]

I know you'll do a good job.

I'd have to be an idiot to mess this up!

Eight o'clock? Yeah, come over

and we'll think of something to do from there.

Okay. Bye.

Roy!

-[knocking on door] -Roy.

Casey,

you are invading my quiet place,

you better have a damn good reason!

Roy, it's about Wendy.

Wendy? The hot Italian chick, Wendy?

[birds chirping]

Proceed.

I got a date with her tonight. What do I do?

You have a date with her tonight?

Okay. Well, easy-peasy, lemon squeezy, my friend.

You put on a horror film, right?

You get all snuggly on the couch.

You let her see all these people die horrific deaths,

and it gets her in the mood to repopulate,

if you know what I'm saying.

[laughs] You know?

Sex, Casey. Jesus.

Netflix and chill?

It's the first date. I need a wing man.

Mm-mm. No, no, no, no, no.

Alright. It's not a "group hang"

if it's a couple...

and then one guy hanging out with the couple.

You know what this is called?

Ménage à trois?

What? No. It's called being a third wheel, it sucks.

You know, the French have, like, 300 words for three-way.

It's like Eskimos and snow.

[TV plays]

[sharp gunshots]

[gunshots continue]

-[man on video game] Whoa! -[video game announcer] Loser.

What other games do you have?

Oh, um, Rage, Primal Rage,

Streets of Rage, Street Fighter,

Final Fight, Final Fantasy, Phantasy Star,

Star Wars...

Okay.

...Star Trek, Starcraft,

Minecraft, Warcraft...

God of War, Gears of War, Metal Gear Solid...

Twisted Metal, Metal Slug,

Metal Gear Rising, Dead Rising,

Dead or Alive...

Oh, wait, I sold that one to GameStop. Sorry.

[light suspenseful music]

[light switch clicks]

[CJ] You want to come get your stuff now? On a Friday night?

-I'm going out! -[man on the phone] Yeah, well, get over it!

[CJ] Barry, you took my dog!

[Barry] It's our dog. I was there when you got him.

[CJ] No, it's not our dog, it's my dog!

[Barry] I paid for him. It's my dog!

You know what? You're ruining my night! Good bye!

[sighs]

[deeply exhales]

So, when are you going to show me around town?

Well, I'm a bit of a home-buddy, but...

I-- I'll take you out.

How about Tuesday?

Sounds great.

-See you then. -Bye-bye.

Bye!

[whispers] Together, we're saving lemurs. Awesome.

[softly slurps]

[indistinctively murmurs]

[birds chirping]

[Casey vocalizes]

Got a job interview today. How do I look?

[deeply sighs] You look like a divorced alcoholic.

That's what I'm going for.

Well...

[deeply sighs]

[light Asian music]

[keyboard clacking]

[phone rings]

Hey, could you get my report ready

for the two o'clock meeting?

[phone continues to ring]

Is this the applicant?

[secretary] Yes, I believe it is.

[calm music]

You can step into my office.

Thanks for coming in, Casey.

Your résumé really jumped out at me.

We have the same name. Except I usually go by CJ.

What's the J stand for?

Oh, Casey Jones, I got it. That's hilarious.

-Yeah. -"Even machines must obey the law.

Lawbreakers shouldn't roll giant steel boulders

down the steps of burning buildings!"

What was that?

The guy with the hockey mask.

Oh, Friday the 13th,okay. [chuckles]

Well, I guess that is technically true.

Who knows, but whatever.

Why do you want to work at Versa Corporation?

What is it about ballpoint pens,

razors, and lighters that excite you?

Uh, guess I always liked those things.

Right.

It says here you were the voice in the new Toy Story?

Yes, I was the Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine.

Really?

Actually, it was Hulk Hands.

How did that go?

[loud thud]

Smash...

Actually, it might have been Sock'em Boppers.

Okay, I get the idea.

Uh, we'll contact you at jamminbastardo@gmail.com?

Guess what, lady?

Human Resources lady.

I know what you're thinking.

News slash!

Humans aren't resources!

We aren't meant to fuel your Matrixmachines

with our babies' blood, okay?

Soylent Greenis people.

Did you know that? I think you did.

I'm being very nice.

Just because you're being nice doesn't mean you aren't being a dick about it.

Okay, I'm done! This is ridiculous.

-I'm shredding your resume! Ow! -No, no, just wait!

[electric buzzes]

[sharp thuds]

[electric buzzes continue]

[high-pitched ringing]

[eerie music]

[coughs]

[keyboard clacking]

[tap running]

[toilet flush runs on]

Um... what the hell are you doing?

Lisa, I do not have time for you right now!

Dammit.

Where is Casey?

The shredder blew up and she left me there for dead.

What? Oh, my God! Are you okay? No, I-- I haven't seen him.

Him?

Yes. Here let me get your jacket,

you seem a little out of sorts.

What is this? The fat guy

in a little coat bit from Tommy Boy?

-I'm leaving, lady. -No...

[calm music]

Hey! She was just--

Christina, cancel my two o'clock. I can't deal right now.

What is going on around here?

-[Casey screams] -[lively music]

[CJ] All I remember is being shocked.

Like a huge shock from my toes through my butt hole to my head.

I mean, I was...

I didn't even realize I'd had swapped bodies

And then I'm looking at myself in the sidewalk.

[Casey] Oh, my God! How did this happen?

-[CJ] I don't know. -Why are you me? Why am I you?

-I don't know. -How am I going to take selfies now?

-I don't know. I don't... -How do we swap back?

-What if we're like this forever? -...know.

[CJ] Pump the brakes, lady!

I don't swap bodies every day.

Take a chill pill.

How can you be so calm about this?

I have to be this guy?

Who is this guy?

Who are you? And why aren't you freaking out?

I mean, I didn't have anything else to do today. It's not a big deal.

I'm unemployed and I live with my brother, Roy. Who cares?

Well, I'm a career-minded woman.

And I have a lot going on right now.

I can't go into work like this!

Okay.

If you keep up appearances for me,

I'll keep up appearances for you.

Do you know the first thing about being a woman?

Uh, they like to be that Fixer Upperlady.

Make cupcakes,

go antique shopping and crank out kids.

Mm... okay, that's pretty accurate.

Alright, sweetheart. What do guys like?

Okay. I want to sit on a throne of swords,

a big cup of mead,

and one of those hunks of meat, just chomp on it.

Alright!

Listen, I don't want to do this as much as you.

[lively music]

I'll be you, and you be me,

and that's it.

What do you say? Deal or no deal?

Mm... okay.

But first, let me get a selfie

because I look too pretty right now.

Come on! Don't tell me I'm some sort of basic bitch.

-Ow... -[CJ] We had no choice but to suck it up and swap.

We had to. We had to live each other's lives.

This is a nightmare.

This is nice.

[lively music]

[alarm beeping]

One... one, one, one!

That's an M&M?

[beeping continues]

Yes, Casey, what do you want?

What is the code to your security system?

Oh, I forgot about that.

-90-97. -90-97.

You have too much desirable shit in here.

What this house needs is a button where you push it

and then a boar head pops out in the middle

of a pentagram with a bunch of people's

pictures with their eye balls punched out.

I mean, and candles too.

A burglar would see that and run out of here.

Yeah, I don't think ADT sells that model.

[birds chirping]

[alarm rings]

[sharp thud]

What ungodly hour is this?

[electronic music]

[Casey] Well, the first day of being a woman,

I found that there was so many options for clothes.

I thought you just threw on a pair of jeans

and a shirt and then that is your outfit forever.

[CJ] I mean, you're really struggling

with the hair and makeup situation.

More green.

[upbeat electronic music]

[CJ] Um, I definitely stuck out being a 6'4...

male wearing yoga pants,

-But, um, I refuse to wear... -Oh, well-- anything else?

...whatever the hell you had in that closet.

[upbeat music]

[softly burps]

Oh, my God.

[soft clicks]

There are so many ants!

I know.

-[birds chirping] -[softly snorts]

I knew that too. I mean, I'm cool with ants.

[mug softly clanks]

So, what are you doing today,

big fella?

Well, we, big fellas,

are going to the golf course today.

Did you forget?

-No. -Good, because I need my caddy.

And I also need you to change out

of Mom's yoga pants. Stat.

Or at the very least, put a fig leaf over your junk

because you're practically nude in my kitchen.

[printer whirring]

[CJ] I mean, I've worked so hard for my job

to get to where I was.

The thought of him taking my position

-was probably my worst nightmare come to life. -Good morning!

-[phone ringing] -Good morning.

Oh, here is this report you requested.

There you go.

-Give me that. -So that thing with you and Casey yesterday.

That was odd. Are you okay?

-Me? Casey? -Mm-hmm.

No. Everything couldn't be more normal.

Okay, just double-checking. Um, do you want me to call him back for a second interview?

No. No, no, no, no, no, no. He's...

Right, he's a... [chuckles] bit of a loser, right?

No.

No, I-- he's a cool guy.

CIA, you know.

Really? You're sure?

Did he tell you that?

Because aren't they supposed to, like, keep that stuff secret?

Yeah... pillow talk.

We had sex.

-Oh, okay... -You know, his big, fat penis

made me squirt all over the place. I mean, it was wild.

-[whispers] Waterfalls. -Wow. That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard you say.

Sex talk. What can I say? You know how us girls are.

You know what? I'm going to go to my office.

I have meetings to schedule.

-[sharp thud] -[light jazz music]

You're dressed like Prince George.

[laughs] Can I get a...

Oh, look at you! You're learning!

-Alright. -I've been in the country club a few times.

What country club? I don't take you to a country club.

It's a joke man. Lighten up.

Alright. Well, now is not the time for joking.

Now is the time for training.

Mark my words, brother.

This time next week, I'll make it into the top 500.

In the world?

In the state!

[sharp thud]

Hot damn.

[laughs]

[golf clubs softly rattle]

The short time I had at Versa, I knew that place was...

all over the place.

[light electronic music]

So, get this.

Pizza Pop-Tarts.

Ted, we don't own Pop-Tarts.

We don't even sell food!

We wouldn't call it Pop-Tarts, maybe, like, Pizza Pastry.

Right? A pastry with the sauce, meat, and cheese

baked right in the crust

that you put in a toaster.

What is the icing?

Don't tell me it's one of those weird ones without the icing.

Icing goes on Toaster Strudels.

It wouldn't be icing! We'd have, like, you know,

marinara in the packets, alright?

I'm telling you, it's brilliant. It's delicious.

It's "brillicious."

Pizza Pop-Tarts.

Okay, can we get this meeting started?

[paper lightly rustles]

So, the big deal is this week.

That is the word on the street.

Suffice to say this is very important to us and, look,

I know you're going to knock it out of the park. I know this.

I-- I just want everything to go off without a hitch,

and these guys are a little old fashioned,

so I was wondering if you wouldn't mind

wearing a dress to the meeting.

A dress?

Wait... you think I'm gay?

No, I didn't say that!

That's not something I-- I mean...

That's none of my business, you know.

I-- look, forget I said anything.

Here is a little petty cash.

Means nothing.

Go buy yourself s-- something nice.

Don't sue.

Ge-- get yourself some jeans,

a new flannel shirt or something, or a dress.

Forget I said anything. Forget it, forget it.

[light lively music]

[Casey] I did take it more seriously than I would

if I was having that job

because I hate authority, I hate bosses.

-[CJ] You also don't like responsibility, I feel. -Hey! What's up?

[CJ] To you, it was kind of, like, a hangout.

My man! How you doing?

[Casey] It-- I was a bit unprofessional.

What you got over there? It's, uh, interesting. Keep up the good work.

But I showed up. I wanted you to keep your job.

I wanted you to do well and land that deal.

You were probably there just for the food.

Yeah.

Oh! Doughnuts.

[Casey] I didn't know you had different taste buds.

That was a... that was a bit of a shock for me.

I thought everyone had the same taste buds, but...

Well, you learn something new

-when you swap bodies. -This guy's face is less sensitive than my legs?

[soft scratch]

[softly sighs]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

What is this big deal?

I just had a meeting with your boss

and I had no idea what was going on.

The boss will handle everything.

The less you know, the better.

That way you won't screw it up!

Come on! I'm going in blind here.

[loudly sighs] The short of it is

a Japanese company is acquiring Versa for a billion dollars.

Wait. A billion?

[snorts] Should be more, like, four billion.

That's what Star Wars went for, and Marvel, and UFC.

Come on! Don't sell yourself short.

We aren't UFC. We aren't Star Wars.

We make cheap plastic crap!

Well, you guys actually make something.

It's not a bunch of sweaty dudes in a cage

or furry animals running around the forest.

Listen. This deal is above my pay grade

and it is definitely above yours.

Just smile and nod.

[sighs]

Got it?

Just smile and nod. Got it.

-[bottles softly rattle] -[Roy burps] Oh.

[laughs] Oh, shit!

I c-- I can't, I-- [continues to laugh]

I don't need to hear this right now!

I'm bloated, I'm body-conscious!

[loudly laughs]

I'm going on a diet. That's it!

[calm music]

[door slams]

[tense music]

-Oh, my God! [hisses] -[hisses]

I am so sorry for springing this on you, but I need you to watch Alex.

-Sure. -Oh, you're a doll.

-[CJ] You're the doll. -We got to get a new lenser.

The last one ankled on us

and we need to be ready to bow on the Peacock by fall.

What did I tell you about talking in Variety Speak?

It's the worst thing ever.

[Maria] I'll be back in a few hours.

Well, I am headed out.

Later, sis. Be good.

Later... sis.

[door squeaks]

[door closes]

Who are you and why are you playing with my Yoda?

[sighs]

[ethereal music]

[woman on video] In a moment I will guide you through a body scan

to begin the process of relaxation,

so you can release tension and negativity.

By letting go completely,

you can turn your attention inward.

[Roy, in deep voice] Today marks the day

the teddy bears will have their picnic.

Little Bunny Foo Foo,

hopping through the forest,

scooping up field mice and bopping them on the head!

[maniacal laughing]

-[coughs and chuckles] -[woman] ...cool air as it passes

into your nostrils

[phone rings]

-Hello? -Some woman dropped off her kid.

I think it's your sister.

Oh. That's just Maria and Alex. He's well behaved.

Actually, while I have you on the line,

what's with your brother saying creepy shit to me?

Like what?

Like straight out of a horror movie.

Oh, he's just being funny.

I make my own horror movie trailers

and put them on YouTube.

Is that what you meant when you said

you're a voice-over artist?

Um...

I kind of am.

Whatever. Goodbye.

[sighs]

What can you tell me about girls?

Um, in video games they can jump higher.

[calm jazz music]

How did you think I was in the actual Toy Story?

-I just don't get that. -I never once believed

you were in the actual Toy Story.

-Um... okay. -I think you believed

-you were really in the actual Toy Story. -[softly chuckles]

You thought that video was funny.

After the fact.

[lively music]

I ran out of your favorite flavor.

Doesn't that make you angry?

My analyst wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

She says I get upset at things that remind me of my mother.

The problem is, she reminds me of my mother.

It's a vicious cycle.

[deeply inhales and exhales]

[birds chirping]

[guitar playing]

[knocks on the door]

-Hey. -[Roy] Hi.

It's Casey here?

Oh, no, he went out for a run,

so, yeah, just me.

-Okay. -Yeah.

I-- but, hey, since you're out there,

could you throw this pizza box away for me?

-Sure. -Awesome. Thank you.

Oh, but not there, though!

Casey can't see it.

Uh, he's on a health fit.

We're not supposed to eat pizza and I did.

Uh, there's a trash can down there.

-Okay. -If you can just put in there,

-that'd be really great. Thanks. -Alright.

Alright. Well, see you around.

Well, when he first mentioned

or implied that he had a friend, Wendy.

I was expecting maybe a girl

who worked at GameStop or something.

-It takes a special kind of person to understand Casey. -Oh, dammit.

-Hey. -Hello.

Would you like some pizza?

No, don't tempt me with that.

-I'm trying to avoid junk food. -Oh, oops.

Okay, not doing that then.

We need to, like, catch up with Wendy,

-see what she-- Oh, we don't? Okay. -No, we don't.

I mean, I'm-- I'm not, like, attracted to her anymore at all,

like, I only have eyes for you.

[CJ] Hmm... and for Lisa's butt.

[Casey] She's, like, purely...

How is it going?

...physical. Like, it's--

I mean, not even, like,

I mean, not even l--

You're digging yourself in a very deep hole.

I know this is coming out of left field, but, um...

Would you like to go on a date sometime?

-Sure. Why not? -Cool.

I can't wait till you take me out on Tuesday.

-Tuesday good? -Yeah.

I can't wait either, you know.

Um, so, I'm g-- I'm feeling real gross right now.

I feel so bad. The other day I yelled at this guy in the women's restroom,

but maybe he identifies as female.

I got to go take a shower.

-Okay. -But I'll see you Tuesday.

[coughs] Uh, he's probably too manly for that.

I don't know. He had very soft, delicate features.

What does such a sweet girl see in such a loser?

You ever heard of baby-faced assassin?

You want my guess? She is a witch.

Looking for her next plump victim.

He even had tits.

You're a hoot and a holler.

So she's into you? Because you're a little "plump" yourself.

Oh...

So, uh. for our date, my place?

Seven o'clock?

-Yeah. -Tuesday?

Cool, okay.

[light jazz music]

[door loudly squeaks]

Hi.

These are for you.

[Casey] Yeah, so, she gave me flowers.

-That was something new, I never got that. -Thanks.

And then she was a bit upset

that we weren't going to that place, but I thought,

you know, "It's nice enough here."

So, where are you taking me?

I thought we'd order in.

I thought we were going somewhere nice.

This is nice.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Plus, I've got coupons.

Here is the menu. Make sure

it's at least $35,

but not too much over.

Why can't you just relax?

Because I don't want to waste my money.

Plus, I work every day

burning down native villages for it.

I want to make sure that their sacrifice wasn't in vain.

Oh, my God! Don't be such a drama queen.

I was a little bit...

excited.

Because I was like, "Alright," like,

"I know girls."

What would you like to drink this evening, sir?

Two glasses of your finest Cab.

Good.

Thank you.

[light jazz music]

This place is amazing.

I'm so glad you like it.

I actually went with my sister here one time.

She was going through a breakup

and we came here and got so drunk,

it was-- it was a lot of fun.

Aww, that's so sweet.

I didn't know you had a sister.

Does she live around here?

No.

Uh, what d-- what would you like on the menu? Like, uh,

truffles? Duck? Lobster?

Have whatever you want. It's on me.

Don't tell me that you don't like Harry Potter.

Well, I mean, wh-- why do they only take magic lessons?

I mean, they just-- all they do is practice spells.

When you're a woman, you're either a prude or you're a slut.

Oh! How true.

Also, I don't get why it's such an accomplishment for guys

to have a lot of sex, but not for girls.

I know, right?

Oh, it gets on my nerves.

You get it.

Don't you think they could've found a better love interest

than Kevin James for that movie?

Well, take it up with Aristotle.

He is the one that defined comedy

as the ugly guy getting the hot girl.

I love this. This has been so wonderful.

I'm going to go powder my nose.

You're coming with?

[laughs] You're too cute!

God, I can't stand Trump,

he's so xenophobic.

-And don't act like he's not in bed with those Russian-- -Shh.

Let's stop this serious talk.

Let's just say we...

Uh, do you see what my eyebrows are doing?

This is the worst date I've ever had.

This was one of the best dates I've ever had.

Seriously, I'm so happy!

Really, thank you. I was so looking forward to hanging out with you.

And this place is lovely. I had an amazing time.

Really, really wow! [chuckles]

Oh, what a great night.

Yeah.

-Let's get going. -Alright.

Lisa! Don't leave.

I'm not usually like this.

What? An asshole?

No, I'm usually an asshole.

-[laughing] -[Casey] Yeah.

[Wendy] Oh, my gosh! That's so funny! [laughs]

Oh, you're awesome.

[Casey] Oh, I try. Thank you.

[laughs] That's just too good.

Uh-uh, stop.

Now I'm going to powder my nose.

Okay.

[Casey] I have got to get out of these pants.

I've been in them all day.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

I guess we're doing this.

[cheerful music]

[phone rings]

Hi, Christina.

-Hi. -Thought I'd pop in, say hi. Is that a new blazer?

That blue makes your eyes pop. It's great.

It-- it is. Thank you. Thank you.

Is Casey here?

[chair's wheels rattles]

What's up?

-[bell chiming] -Anything new?

I found an M&M under your boob.

Oh, I wondered where that went.

Can I have two coffees, please?

That'll be 6.25.

Oh, I got this.

[Casey] Where did you get all that money?

Have you been stripping in my body?

From your boss.

Well, I need some because money is tight right now.

You're just used to living like a rock star.

You've got to be more frugal.

Here you go!

-Keep the change. -Oh, thank you.

Well, there is plenty of food at the house.

Did you break into my apocalypse supplies?

Are you talking about the tins of popcorn?

And why is all the cheddar, regular, and caramel popcorn all mixed together like that?

I take out the divider and shake the tin up.

That's disgusting.

Not as disgusting as what you rich people eat.

Fish eggs, and snails or... whatever.

The job is going well.

Well, that's a surprise.

You'll be happy to know I kept your date with Wendy.

Wait, what?

How did that go?

Good.

Until I didn't know how to operate your penis.

There's only so much work I can do...

-to, um, fix him and his mess. -What-- [chuckles]

-I-- you know-- -[Casey] I think it was because you couldn't,

-uh, get aroused for a woman because... -But that's your body.

-...yeah. -I can't--

But it's the mind that is in control of the body.

I-- I would've been able to perform just fine.

I'll talk to you later.

If anyone was going to screw up that relationship,

it should've been me.

And not you in my body.

What are you, John Travolta from Face/Off

making moves on my girl?

Why are you trying to ruin my life?

I'm doing so great for you.

I even scored a date with Lisa from work.

Lisa? What did you do?

What all girls do when guys aren't around.

Make out.

And we, like,

had a real passionate kiss,

like, straight tongues down our throats.

That didn't happen.

-[soft moan] -[Casey] Okay, well... yeah. I--

I barfed a little inside my mouth.

She is my frenemy!

Well, you know what they say about frenemies.

The frenemy of my frenemy...

-is my frenemy. -She is using you.

In fact, I don't want you getting with women at all. I'm not a lesbian.

Oh, what was that about you getting with Wendy?

Oh, I was doing you a favor.

Besides, I kind of wanted to know what having a penis was like.

Why do you want to know what it's like being me?

I hate being you.

Oh, like being a girl is that bad.

I didn't say I hate being a girl.

I said I hate being you!

Everything I eat turns to ash on my tongue.

I think I'd notice if I was eating ash.

Just because I have a more sensitive palate

-than you doesn't mean... -You're lonely!

You don't have anyone.

-Not even a dog. -You're a jerk.

Oh, I'm a jerk!

You are the jerk.

Wendy hates me now.

I'm stuck in this body because of you.

You don't want me getting with other girls. Fine!

I'm going to get with so many dudes

your vagina is going to fall off!

The tempers were flared a little bit.

Yeah, you had, like, a temper tantrum.

-What's that booty do? -Poop!

When I left the café, I didn't break your heart?

No, I hated your guts.

I'm not the reason we switched. You are!

And if anyone's John Travolta,

it's you, I'm Nicolas Cage.

And I'm going to eat so many cupcakes

you're going to be fatter than you've ever been!

Give me some of those cupcakes, please.

Oh, no problem.

How many would you like?

Just keep going.

[upbeat electronic music]

[girl chuckles] Look at this guy's yoga pants. [laughs]

Oh, look who it is.

You know, to be honest with you,

I don't think you can handle this.

Am I supposed to know y'all from somewhere?

What do we have here?

-Hey! -Uh-uh.

Now, why does fatty needs cupcakes, Sassy Kat?

Let's do him a favor and save him the calories, Ringleader.

At least save him one.

You know, since he bought them for us, Star Killer.

-[Casey cries] -[girls laugh]

[whimsical music]

[paper bags softly rustle]

Is there somebody else?

[Casey cries]

[coughs]

Girl problems, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I'll put on some pants.

[calm music]

Ted...

why are we using these chairs?

This is the latest trend in Japanese business.

You know, the Japanese... [with accent] they like the chairs.

You sound like an Italian.

I sound like Mario.

The Japanese invented Mario.

Not surprised you didn't know that.

[tense music]

[translator and Mr. Hitchero speaking Japanese]

[translator] So, he wants to cut to the chase.

He likes your operation.

We've gone over the financials and we're very impressed.

We're confident offering the billion valuation

to purchase Versa and its holdings.

Uh, tha-- that sounds reasonable.

This is a valuable thing.

I'm not just going to give it away for nothing.

I want real money.

Not what Jordan makes. I want to make what the guy

who pays Jordan makes.

[Mr. Hitchero speaking Japanese]

But you all need this deal.

[chuckles] I can go without.

I'll live on the street if it means you don't get your new toy.

I'd rather cut the baby in half than to see you have it.

I'd shoot myself in the head

if it meant you got your suit dirty!

I'll clean that up.

[translator speaking Japanese]

[Hitchero yells in Japanese]

Swish, am I right? [chuckles]

[mimics explosion]

Every time I get close to someone, they leave me.

Shit man. I-- [sighs]

You just got to be who you are,

you know, and if somebody doesn't like that, then...

it's not worth it, you know.

That's the thing. I don't even know who I am anymore.

Well, frankly, Casey,

you're kind of a loser.

But, if you do exactly as I tell you to,

I can help you get Wendy back, alright?

Wendy?

Yeah, Wendy, the hot Italian chick.

Wh-- what are you crying about, what's going on?

-[birds chirping] -[cellphone chimes]

[light suspenseful music]

[phone ringing]

[sharp thuds]

Maybe she didn't translate it word-for-word.

She said she'd clean it up.

[Lisa] Did you see them storm off?

You probably got that poor girl's head chopped off

with a samurai sword.

The Japanese don't still do that.

It's a fluid situation.

If by fluid you mean it's an episode of CSI,

then, yeah, it's a fluid situation.

I thought you and me were brohams.

Is this about me saying your illogical statements

make robots' brains explode?

That's a good thing.

You could stop the next Terminator uprising.

They make a robot now that can eat human flesh.

She made a pass at me.

Is this true?

I believe I read it on Wired.

N-- no, not about The Terminators.

The... relationship you have.

Yeah, so?

It's whatever year it is.

It's not that, I--

you know, just-- look, she's your subordinate.

She is?

Yeah, I felt I couldn't turn you down for fear of reprisal.

Well, I have no choice but to bump you down to the same position.

That makes the problem go away.

So now, you can choose to continue this relationship or...

terminate it.

Fine by me.

[scoffs]

It's Casey, call me back, please.

I-- I want to see you naked. Do you got a--

I-- I'm hopeless.

You're not hopeless, man. You're a dude, alright? It happens.

Okay?

Girls, a lot of the times, be bitches,

and bitches be haters, and haters be tripping.

Therefore, bitches most definitely be tripping.

Am I right?

[birds chirping]

[water lapping]

[loudly sighs] Lisa!

[sharp thud]

Oh, I made a pass? I don't think so.

[sharp thuds]

[sighs]

Does anyone knock around here?

It is my house.

I brought us some salads.

[bags rustle]

[CJ] About the other day...

CJ, I'm sorry.

For everything I said, I-- all the stupid stuff.

I was wrong.

You just hit a nerve with the lonely thing. That's all.

Don't pay attention to me.

You have a family.

Still, I couldn't even see my parents this Thanksgiving

because I had to work.

I even called the Butterball help hotline

just to... have someone to talk to.

I pretended I was cooking a turkey and everything.

That's-- that's dark.

So, anyway, how did the meeting go?

Great, uh, you know,

the FCC just has to approve of it

and then they got to dot I's, cross T's and it's done. [chuckles]

You mean the FTC, right?

Yes, you know so much about this.

[calm bass music]

[CJ] I think, when you're literally inside someone else's body,

you really can't help

but become attached to them, emotionally.

It just kind of brought us together as first friends and then...

I don't know. This was kind of like the first time

I wasn't alone any more.

[gentle music]

[light switch clicks]

[dog barks]

[door squeaks]

Good morning.

Where were you last night, Hot Topic?

None of your business.

Wow!

That's a big smile.

Was it sexy time with a girl, huh?

Oh...

[bag softly rustles]

I would've loved to see the movie

with John Candy and Dan Aykroyd.

They did, it's called The Great Outdoors.

Hey, really?

W-- you know who else would've made a good pairing?

Martin Short and Kurt Russell.

That's Captain Ron.

I-- I wish they make a movie starring Bill Murray

and Richard Dreyfuss.

What do you want, Ted?

Did you just come in here to cast things

that already exist?

Boss man wants to see you.

Seems important.

Great, just what I need today.

[vocalizes]

[suspenseful music]

-[sharp thud] -[soft splatter]

Here, you'll want that.

Okay.

I heard back from Hitchero...

About that, listen, I am so sorry.

I didn't mean anything that I said.

-I don't know what I was thinking, was-- -They countered

with two and half billion.

[chuckles] That's more than we could've ever possibly hoped for!

-That's great! -He said that if my employees believed in the company

that much, it must be a good one.

Wow.

Bottoms up.

[glasses clink]

[moans]

Now, if you want your job back,

I'd like for you to have it back,

but suffice to say,

you're going to have to break it off with Lisa.

Oh... [chuckles] I'll break it off all right.

[gentle guitar music]

Why are you so dressed up?

Can't I dress nice every once and awhile?

I suppose you can try.

Here.

What is this?

It's your unemployment check, dummy.

Would you endorse it? You owe me for, like,

everything.

So... And I'll give you this, though.

You're getting pretty good at applying for things

you are woefully unqualified for.

You know, like Tesla.

[laughs] And NASA, and Versa, and all the A's.

Versa isn't that farfetched. I mean...

Okay.

No, it isn't.

No, no, I'm with you. I agree with you.

No. It isn't.

[tense music]

You wanted to see me?

"Threescore men,

threescore more.

Cannot place Humpty Dumpty as he was before."

Oh, my God.

Can we just forget about this already?

[suspenseful music]

[scoffs]

You opened up a can of worms.

What are you talking about?

You shat the bed,

now you have to sleep in it.

No. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Yes, but three lefts do make a right.

You think I'm an idiot?

-Yeah. -I just faked being stupid this entire time

so I could easily climb the ladder of success.

"Oh, what's that idiot doing up there?

Oh, don't worry, she'll fall off eventually, just leave her alone."

Oh, wait!

Now I'm at the top,

pouring boiling oil over the peasants below!

Do you know how long it took for humans to disobey God?

One day.

Many think it was the serpent that tempted Adam and Eve.

No. It was God.

He placed the low-hanging fruits.

He showed them where it was. What it did.

Okay. And your point?

Do you know how long it took for that same apple

to hit Isaac Newton in the head before he discovered gravity?

[whispering] Millions of years later.

Are you sure you're not an idiot?

I was testing you this entire time.

Like God tested Adam and Eve.

Like he tested Job by giving him boils.

Or Abraham when he told him to kill his son.

You see, Lisa,

you disobeyed me.

How can I trust you if you won't kill your son for me?

If they are stupid enough to give your ass an interview,

they might be dumb enough to actually give you a real job.

[laughs]

I mean, for goodness graces,

you put your YouTube voice-over work on your résumé.

And the original Coca-Cola website.

[loudly laughs]

Pack up your stuff and get out.

Just let me stay. I'll do whatever you want.

Put your stuff in the basket.

[laughs]

Oh, man, the original Coca-Cola GeoCities website, that's a--

[continues to laugh]

It puts the ID card in the basket.

[door closes]

[loudly chews]

[birds chirping]

[cellphone rings]

-CJ, I have some really good news-- -Are you kidding me?

You interviewed just to qualify for unemployment?

-How did you find-- -This has been a joke to you the entire time, huh?

-I need to-- -You know, some of us have to work for a living!

Some of us work hard to get

-where we are! -Can I say something, please?

You aren't qualified to work at Versa.

I just called you in for an interview

-because you have the same name as me, okay. -Oh, my God.

-Could you please stop talking? -You aren't even qualified

-to work at Krispy Kreme! -You're being crazy right now.

-Listen, this isn't-- -Did you just call me crazy?

-Did you just call me crazy? -No, I didn't call you crazy.

-I did not call you crazy. -You know what?

-You're not crazy. -Don't speak to me ever again!

Don't call me. Don't text me.

-I'm blocking you on all forms... -Oh, my God.

-Don't block me. -...of social media!

-I'm coming over to your hous-- -Good bye.

He just hung up on me. I'm going.

[softly slurps]

[car door closes]

[keys softly rattle]

Oh, come on!

I'm mad at you.

Well, I've got good news,

you're going to want to hear this.

[paper rustles]

What is this?

You know your 401k?

You've been socking away money ever since you started working at Versa seven years ago.

Oh, I forgot about that.

Well, since they have a stock matching policy,

you've been accumulating wealth.

And Versa was worth a lot less back then.

-2.1 million dollars? -Mm-hmm.

Versa sold for 2.5 billion.

He threw in a little sweetener for, uh,

being so instrumental in the deal.

[deeply inhales] It's going to be on the news tomorrow.

CNBC, I'm not sure. Probably, who cares.

This changes my life.

If you want to buy me dinner, I wouldn't object.

Or a Jet Ski.

Hey, can I ask you something?

What's the deal with Ted?

Oh, he made self-repairing glass for the company.

So he's an inventor?

More like he said, "Wouldn't it be cool

if cracked glass repaired itself like human skin?"

Then patented and gave it to R&D.

So, he is an idea guy?

Well, if an idea guy is the worst thing a person could be,

then yes, he is an idea guy.

You know, you're wrong.

You have a lot of people in your life who care about you.

I care about you.

You're the only person I can really be myself around.

You know, if you leave me now,

you take away the biggest part of me.

Okay, it's creepy now.

[gentle music]

[suspenseful music on TV]

Can I lay down in your lap? I miss myself.

Sure.

Thank you.

So, I have the same name as the "Ki Ki Ki, Ma Ma Ma" guy?

No, you have got to learn

the difference between your goalie mask wearing maniacs.

Casey Jones and Jason are so different.

[door bangs]

What's up, boners?

-[Roy yawns and grunts] -Oh, hello, Roy. Um...

-Hello. -This is CJ.

That's my brother Roy.

Hi.

-[CJ whispers] Did you tell him? -[whispers] No.

-You tell him. -You tell him.

Shut up! You tell him!

-Roy? -Mm...

We have something to tell you.

Back a few weeks ago...

we-- when w-- when I wen--

Roy, we switched bodies.

I'm your brother. What's up?

[laughs]

Uh, yeah, I already knew that.

What?

It's not like it wasn't obvious, buddy.

The only curse word you seem to know nowadays is shit.

-Shit! -So, brother...

[sighs] what is it like to have boobs now?

You want to feel them?

Oh, very much so. [crack knuckles]

-[Casey] Hey! -[sharp smack]

Alright. Jesus Christ.

[whispers] They taste like cinnamon.

Like Cinnamon Toast cinnamon? Oh, my God.

Alright, so, what kind of stuff have you guys tried

to get out of this?

What do you mean? What kind of stuff?

I don't know. You know, go back to whatever fortune teller machine

that did this to you in the first place?

We were taking the more wait-and-see approach.

Yeah, I mean, we thought we had to learn

a life lesson or something.

A life lesson?

This a Hallmark movie, buddy? Come on! No.

You go back to whatever switched you in the first place.

It's supposed to switch you back.

[music on TV continues]

The shredder.

[light switch clicks]

[light suspenseful music]

Mm. This is it, huh? The evil shredder.

Just missing some claws, huh?

Freddy Krueger.

No, that's not Freddy Krueger, you dumb bitch.

-Ninja Turtles. -Okay. focus!

Okay.

Let's place our hands on the shredder as one.

Roy, you can pour the water.

Alright, you got it. Just pour it in the...

[laughs] Wouldn't it be funny if all three of us swapped?

-[Roy groans] -Oh, c-- Jesus, Roy!

I like my body.

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

Are you sure?

I'm sure.

Okay. On three?

Yes.

Like, on three, or after three?

-Start from zero. -Three. Go! Come on!

Okay.

[loud dripping]

[tense music]

Did it work?

No.

Right.

[lively music]

Yeah, shit, guys, I'm out of ideas. Let's get drunk, huh.

Sure.

Actually, I want to get changed before we go.

What is wrong with what you're wearing?

By me I meant you.

Oh!

Well, hey, guys.

Just came to grab some last minute stuff

because I didn't want to come back in the morning.

Wait, you were fired?

Yeah, I messed up and she fired me.

Now that the dust has settled...

The dust hasn't even begun to settle.

Well, I guess I'll see you guys around.

Lisa, wait.

Give her her job back.

Come on.

Um...

Okay. I mean, I have to tell the boss and convince him.

It's going to be a lot of work and a lot of effort. I'm not sure.

The real question is why did you give her her job back?

Felt like the right thing to do.

She probably needed it more than we did at that point.

Actually you were talking about quitting.

I was?

Yeah.

In fact, now that your position has opened up,

just offer it to her.

Well, you know, the business industry is too cut throat for me

and with everything going on with the boss retiring

-and Ted with his Pizza Pop-Tart enterprise-- -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Pizza Pop-Tart? That sounds "brillicious." [chuckles]

Don't ask.

Sure. Why not?

Oh, my God! You're the best. Thank you so much.

I need this job.

-Thank you, thank you. -All right! You get to keep your job.

Yeah, and you don't.

-So, if you could just put that down over there. -Oh. In here?

Yeah, there.

Anyway, I'm sorry, I didn't even recognize you.

You're the guy from the bathroom the other day.

You guys are a thing?

-It's so cute. You look so happy. -[CJ blows raspberries]

-[chuckles] Him? No. -And I'm sorry,

I don't think I've met you before.

Oh, um... [coughs]

I am Roy.

I am a professional athlete.

Bowler?

Nope, not a bowler.

Competitive hotdog eater?

-[laughs] Let me-- let me give you a hint. -Yeah.

-Okay. -Yeah. I got it! Baseball player.

Okay, you know, I'm just going to go now.

Thanks. Nice to meet you.

Where are you guys going?

Psst.

One more stop. I want to make your brother prettier than he's ever been.

Oh, goody.

[echoing bangs]

[gentle music]

That shade looks good on you.

Why is it so sticky?

Don't lick it.

One more thing.

Wear this.

Why is everybody trying to take my pants off?

-[sighs] -[knocks on the door]

Guys, can we please go now?

-["Mexico" by The Pass] -♪ With the water with the bottles ♪

♪ Have your chase reached to the clouds ♪

♪ Down to Mexico

♪ With the moon...

[yawns] Three beers please.

Thank you.

Ah, thanks, man.

Sure, yeah, no, no problem.

This place is interesting.

This is my favorite place in the entire world.

Ultraman over there p-- protects me

when I get very, very drunk.

-[sharp thud] -Oh!

Oh, you two have fun.

I'm going to go over there now.

Did he just Garfield us?

I don't follow.

Garfield...

cuts a slice of chocolate cake,

but then takes the rest of the Pac-Man looking piece.

-Alright. I'm paying. -Oh, what's up, man?

You want to get in on this, uh...

Yeah. I call hot Metroid chick.

-Alright. -Don't even try.

He doesn't just take the piece?

No, he takes the rest of the cake.

Okay. You know what? Let's make this a little interesting, alright?

-Damn. -I got $40 in my wallet.

-Cool, each get $20? -No, winner takes all.

-Oh. -But we got a couple of ground rules.

Number one, I'm the sexy Metroid girl.

Number two, no falcon punches.

And number three, you can't be Kirby!

Can I be the little pink ball who sucks people up?

-Do you know what that-- -Game on, baby!

Why would he leave a piece at all?

It just seems like a lot of work.

You know, I've never thought about that.

It's kind of generous for Garfield, anyway.

[upbeat dance music]

[unintelligible chatter]

You know, you're a big softie, giving Lisa her job back.

I think you have a fuzzy memory. That was you.

Besides, I don't think I was supposed to fire her anyway,

so you kind of saved my butt.

You know, I got to say,

we make a good team.

I'm kind of liking getting to know you.

Really?

So, what color are my eyes, then?

Well, at first they're brown,

and then, if you look into the light,

they're like amber.

And if you look really close by the iris,

it's like honey.

And then, when the sun hits them,

it's green.

That's my favorite.

Nice try, but I've seen Maid In Manhattan.

Well, smart guy, what color are my eyes?

I guess they're brown too.

Alright. Enough. [sighs]

Two Natty Lights, please.

And I got that.

Make it a Tanqueray.

Whoo, I love a gin girl.

This girl?

No, you don't. This girl is so high-maintenance,

so annoying.

High-maintenance doesn't scare me, baby.

I'm a lesbian.

Girl on girl is my favorite.

I have, you know...

STDs. All of the STDs.

It's really nasty down there.

Diarrhea.

I have diarrhea right now.

Okay, buddy. I'm taken.

-[soft thuds] -[glass clicks]

I'm taken.

Yeah. I-- I'm taken!

["5-0" by Jack Harlow]

♪ Always had trouble respecting limits ♪

[unintelligible chatter]

Whoa, don't let me stop you.

[ironic laugh]

I think she's had a little bit too much to drink,

so we're going to get going here.

[CJ] Wait. No, I want to stay.

♪ 5-0, I don't fuck with 5-0

♪ Whipping through your neighborhood ♪

♪ They telling me to drive slow, I don't ♪

["Frostbite" by Mark Geary]

Do you know the song "Guitar Man"?

By Cake?

No, the original, by Bread.

Why would I've listen to Bread when I can have Cake?

Okay, don't be all Marie Antoinette about it.

Do you like my dancing?

You dance like a white guy.

Oh, so like Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly?

♪ ...are

♪ It's who you are it's what you are ♪

The good thing about being over six foot is I don't have to wear heels.

What are we going to do to change back?

I know one thing we haven't tried!

Fornicate under the consent of the king.

I don't know...

Oh, come on! Just do it with your eyes closed.

Already do that.

You want to have sex with yourself?

No, I've been having sex with myself

all throughout high school.

This is so narcissistic!

♪ It's what you are

[CJ] It kind of just happened organically.

I mean, this challenge came to us and we,

uh, stumbled, but in the end, we're better for it.

I think that might've happened for that reason.

-[CJ] Yeah. -[Casey] I think we needed to learn something.

I think Roy was wrong about the life lesson.

I hadn't know when one body ended

and the other began anyway.

[CJ] I did. I definitely did.

[Casey] I mean, with the lights off,

it sort of just all becomes one person, one body.

♪ It's not like I've been here before ♪

♪ Like me

♪ Like you

[birds chirping]

Good morning.

How are you?

Great.

How are you?

Great.

[CJ] You know, I feel like we both...

learned so much about ourselves, and each other,

and life from this whole experience.

[gentle music]

"The grass is always greener on the other side."

"Never judge a book by its cover."

"Two shoe, brown shoe, left shoe, right shoe." We learned that.

And that opposites attract.

-All those cliches, we, we learned them all. -[snorts]

[CJ] We always take walks, and feed the ducks,

and feed the horses.

-Now we have each other and we're happy. -[Casey] Yeah.

We couldn't get enough of each other.

So I guess we decided on being together

from the experience.

She brought the best out of me. She made me a better person.

I learned a little bit about putting care into my appearance,

and looking better, and eating right,

and realizing this is my one body,

so I better take care of it.

[CJ] What being a man has taught me about being a woman is

kind of just being more yourself and, like, owning who you are

and loving yourself,

because I guess at any given moment,

you could not be yourself...

-Yeah, you could... -...if you switch bodies.

...totally change against your will.

[CJ] So, it's made me more confident

in my own body and made me, I guess, a more confident woman.

Well, that's good, I'm glad that I could help do that for you.

I wouldn't take credit for that, but...

You made me a better person.

Oh, I know.

-Oh, okay. -I know.

I mean, you make me a better person

whether you're me or not.

How about that?

That's sweet.

["It's OK" by The Pass]

♪ I know it's a lot

♪ But it's okay here

♪ As we focused on the clock

♪ People fade away

♪ 'Cause it's life

♪ It's okay here

♪ Bathroom closet is always stuck ♪

♪ And the paint will get stained, it's away ♪

♪ It's away

♪ The paint will get stained, it's away ♪

♪ It's away

♪ And the paint will get stained ♪

♪ But you cannot go in there all day ♪

♪ Waiting for a new solution

♪ Never dreamed it this way

♪ This will be your contribution... ♪

♪ But I know it's alive

♪ But it's okay here

♪ Your eyes are focused on the clock ♪

♪ But the people fade away

♪ 'Cause it's life

♪ But it's okay here

♪ The bathroom closet it's always stuck ♪

♪ And the paint will get stained ♪

♪ 'Cause it's life

♪ But it's okay

♪ Your eyes are focused on the clock ♪

♪ But the people fade away

♪ 'Cause it's life

♪ But it's okay here

♪ The bathroom closet is always stuck ♪

♪ And the paint will get stained, it's away ♪

♪ It's away

♪ And the paint will get stained, it's away ♪

♪ It's away

♪ And the paint will get stained ♪

You see? This is nice. Isn't this nice?