All language subtitles for Bless the Harts s02e18 Hoot N Haw.eng

(sizzling)

(sniffs)
Oof, who farted?

It wasn't me. I haven't farted
a day in my life.

Which one of you did it?
Fess up.

Please stop talking about farts.

Can we circle back
to Gram saying

she's never farted
a day in her life?

�'Cue's up!
�Ugh, none for me.

I lost my appetite
due to your ass�smelling yard.

Oh, yeah. The skunk population
is exploding this year.

(skunks chittering)

I don't know what happened,
but the skunks have had

a very horny springtime.

Well, that horny springtime

is turning into
a very stanky summer.

�You need to clean this up.
�They're not in my yard.

It's Dr. Chakrabarti's.
I'll go talk to her.

(slurps)
Hi, Wayne.

Okay, now, don't try to
sweet�talk me, Dr. Chakrabarti.

You got to do something
about your yard.

My yard?
We've been over this, Wayne.

Why would I allow
a seasonal skunk orgy

on my land, huh?

They ruined my papasan chair
with their musky lovemaking.

No, no, no. These skunks
are your problem, Wayne.

No, ma'am. My property ends
at that truck tire.

That's why
the truck tire's there.

No, no, no. My land stops
at the iridescent orb.

Dr. Chakrabarti,
an iridescent orb

is not legally binding.

Neither is a truck tire.

Okay, we're gonna settle this
once and for all.

The land in dispute
is right here.

Skunktown.

What the hell is Skunktown?

Yet another person who missed

my five�part
library lecture series

on the history of Greenpoint.

Oh, how did I miss that?

�Yeah, could you
just give us a quick... �DENISE: Skunks

first colonized this land

�in 1794.
�♪ ♪

With the arrival

of European settlers,
an uneasy truce

was established
tween man and skunk.

Gifts were exchanged.

Treaties were struck...

and broken.

A feud ignited,

resulting in
the Battle of Skunktown.

�(indistinct shouting)
�(explosions)

Skunk and man lost life.

The skunks learned the hard way

you can't bring an anal gland
to a gunfight.

Somebody should put that
on a T�shirt.

I'm already on it.

So, yeah, about the land?

Yes. Skunktown was annexed

in 1970 to 843 Tipton Drive.

No! That's my address.

Aw, you got to be joking.

Ugh. Looks like we've got
some skunks to battle.

Better prep your anal glands,
Wayne.

♪ ♪

Great. Now I have to deal
with these skunks,

not to mention the headache

of having to move
my property line tire.

Yeah, if only that tire
was in the shape of something

that would make it move easier.

Wayne, get rid of the skunks
and build something

on that land
it turns out you own.

You could build
a mini golf course.

Or an outdoor escape room.

If it's outdoors, could people
just, I don't know, leave?

Not if the walls are mirrors.

Couple of loonies.

Let's celebrate
with drinks at Tipsy River.

Uh, I don't want to go
to Tipsy River.

I don't want to bother my meemaw

�while she's working.
�Let's not push it.

He's embarrassed
of his country�ass grandma.

Don't be embarrassed
of your meemaw, Wayne.

She's fun.

There he is.
The son of the cutie

who shot out of my ha�hooey.

It's my grandson, y'all.
Hoot 'n' Haw!

Come on, everybody,
say it with me.

�Hoot 'n' Haw!
�DINERS: Hoot 'n' Haw!

That's what we Edwards do
when we see each other.

�Yes, Meemaw. We all know.
�(sighs)

Hoot 'n' Haw! Come on, Wayne.

Hoot 'n' Haw!

�Hoot 'n' Haw.
�(bell dings)

Hey, y'all.
Jimmy Lee, your burger's up.

You mind getting it?
I got to talk to my grandson.

(Jimmy Lee groans)

So, did y'all hear
me and Ned broke up?

Yeah. Lord.

I caught that horny�ass,
dried�up gnome

rubbing his nephew's
step�aunt's feet.

Uh, keep it down, Meemaw.

Packed my things,
took Uncle Tommy

and hauled ass out of there.

It's a hell of a thing
being adrift.

�No place to call home.
�Well, this is perfect, Meemaw,

'cause Wayne
just discovered he got

�a whole other parcel of land.

�Mm�mm.
�But luckily, I'm good.

Yeah. Robert Plant's coming
to the coliseum this weekend.

We're gonna crash with him.

Wait, like,
Led Zeppelin's Robert Plant?

Yeah, Vi.
Meemaw used to be a groupie.

And not during
his crap Led Zeppelin era.

We're talking Honeydrippers.

And you can bet there's gonna be

some "good rockin' at midnight."

(snarls)

�We beat you once, skunks.
�(skunks screeching)

We'll beat you again!

(both shout)

DENISE:
The Second Battle of Skunktown

was threatening
to be even bloodier

�than the first.
�(grunts)

No! Wayne, we're being overrun!

I'm taking so many butt spurts.

Me, too. Oh! Jenny.

�Jenny!
�Yes?

Should we just call Exterminex?

Yeah, let's do that.

Damn, they are good.

Look at your land, Wayne.
Oh, it's beautiful.

I'm so excited.
I want to make it into something

that'll make you
and Betty proud.

(horn honking
"Battle Hymn of the Republic")

(excited shouting)

Huh?

Oh, no.

(tires screech)

(dogs barking)

Hey, y'all. We're moving in.

Hoot 'n' Haw!

No, no, no. Meemaw, wait.

What happened with Robert Plant?

His wife found me hiding
in the business center.

Yeah, busted. Then I realized

I can park myself
on Wayne's new land.

Meemaw, no. No, no, no.

We got to get her out of here.
If she unpacks,

she'll be here even longer
than the skunks were.

Just trading one infestation
for another.

�(snickering)
�Uncle Tommy, get back here.

(grunts)

(gasps)

This is a disaster. Oh, look,

Dr. Chakrabarti and Betty
are already staring.

Oh, Wayne, don't be embarrassed.
He's just a little boy.

Your grandmother and her son,
your uncle,

need a place to say.

It's not just gonna be Meemaw
and Uncle Tommy.

When there's one,
there's thousands.

Trust me, you give these people
an inch, they'll take a yard.

And by that I mean they'll
fully take control of your yard

and everything in it.

�(distant rumbling)
�Wayne, quit being

such a judgy butt
about your own family.

♪ ♪

(engines revving)

♪ ♪

�(cheering)
�What?

Jenny�� you, Betty and Vi
should just go on home.

�Y'all don't need
to see all this. �No.

You always keep your fam
at arm's length.

I am so excited
to finally meet them.

Okay, who am I looking at here?

Well... (sighs)
Uh, twin ladies

in the pickup truck
with all the fishing poles

are my cousins Deb and Jubel.

The lady with the crossbow
is Aunt Donna.

JENNY:
And the girl riding beside her on the cooler scooter

in the American flag bikini?

�Is that her daughter?
�No.

That's my Great�Aunt Caroline.

The younger one
is your great�aunt?

They're country, Jenny.

No one is the age
they're supposed to be.

Oh, and that guy
who looks like an old prospector

is my second cousin Dean.

�He's a prospector.
�(chuckles)

And that woman
with the faraway look

is Aunt Faroway.

Is she in black and white?

(sighs)
Just go inside.

I'll make this whole thing
go away.

No, we're gonna welcome them
with open arms.

Jenny, no. Do not. I forbid you.

"Forbid"?

Oh, you just pushed a button.

(sighs)

Hey, Meemaw! Everyone!

What do y'all want
to eat and drink?

�Bad idea. Don't do this.
�Hey, Vi?

�Can you run up
to the Quick Mart... �Stop talking.

...and get some drinks and stuff
for our guests?

VIOLET:
Okay, let me make sure I have this right.

I've got
four Dr. Mister Cherries,

a six�pack
of Bulletproof Extremes,

ten Diet Klutz Regular
and ten Diet Klutz Chuggers,

a three�liter bottle of Mountain
Inferno, Professor Purple,

�(whooping)
�Diet Professor Purple. I don't know what this is,

but a snifter
of Caffeine Avalanche,

Lemon Whack Bold

and the latest issue
of American Fun Club?

Yep, sounds like everything.

Violet, would you be a darling

�and take Uncle Tommy with you?
�(grunting)

Meemaw, no.
You know what? I'll just go.

�(zapping)
�Violet cannot handle Uncle Tommy.

Excuse me? Who watches Gram
during her wine naps?

I think I can handle it.

No, you can't handle it.

And you just pushed a button.

(sighs)
Friggin' Hart women.

I can totally handle it.
Come on, Uncle Tommy!

(laughing)

�Hee�hee�hee�hee�hee�hee!
�(banjo playing)

BETTY:
Look at this boonie�ass mess.

Don't any of them have shoes?

Oh, Mother,
stop being such a snob.

It's not like you grew up
in London, England.

I'm just saying
you can trade up.

Go to an airport bar.
Sidle up to a pilot

or a brain surgeon
or a jazz musician.

Who do you think is flying
through our tee�tiny airport?

Violet might be a turnoff,

but we can send her
to overnight summer school

�till you win him over.
�Hey, y'all want some peach wine?

No, thank you.

I got my seasonal box wine
that retails for $16.99.

�Thank you, though.
�Meemaw,

we would love
to try your peach wine.

Well, normally I prefer
my fruit�flavored wines

in slush form,
but I'll have a thimble sip,

because that is what a woman
of polite society does.

Oh, brother. Fill her up.

�Not bad.
�(choking, coughing)

Yes. Very passable.

I'll have another snort.

Oh, now, careful, Betty.

That's stronger
than normal wine.

It's technically considered
a Class I controlled substance.

I think I know
how to handle myself.

Hoot 'n' Haw!

�Hoot 'n' Haw!
�(cheering)

(grunting)

VIOLET:
"You can't handle Tommy."

Ha. Well,
guess who is a�handling it?

�(Uncle Tommy laughs)
�What the...?

No. No! How the hell
did he move so quickly?

Oh, of course.

The power of sugar.

Uncle Tommy!

Okay, think, Violet. Think.

If you were
a ten�year�old feral ADHD boy,

where would you hide?

Ha.

Nice try, Tommy Boy.

Aha! I got you.

Okay. That was not
a dumb guess, though.

When I came home from work,

there he was,
cradling that strumpet's feet

�like they was a newborn baby.
�(banjo playing)

That raisin�bodied sumbitch.

But I love him. I still do.

♪ ♪

(lively chatter)

Wayne, your grandmother
is crying her eyes out.

(sobbing)

Or is she throwing up?

Either way,
she's not doing good.

I think we need
to go talk to Ned.

To try and get them to leave?

No, to be supportive,
like family.

Where does Ned live?

Up where most
of the Edwardses live: in Haw.

Wait. Are you saying "Hall"?

H�A�W. Haw.

It's out off Highway 98,
past Delk.

Wait, isn't that just...
the woods?

Yes! And there's no way
I'm going back to Haw,

and neither are you.

(whispers):
Oh, you just pushed a button.

WAYNE:
No!

♪ ♪

(wood creaking)

(cawing)

JENNY:
Oh, this is cute.

"Don't go to Haw." Baloney!

Haw is darling.

Aw, she looks nice.

Oh, look.
Got a sweet little church.

Oh, I love that architecture.

(smacks lips)
I've always said they don't

make enough square churches.

�(screeches)
�(gasps) I'm gonna die in this hellhole!

Um, sorry to interrupt
your leather smithing...

uh, Ned?

Maybe. Depends on who's asking.

And just know, I can have
a dozen dogs surrounding you

with just one whistle.

Uh, Jenny. Jenny Hart.

Oh, hell. Wayne's old lady?

Yeah. Is that bad?

Everything's bad.

I miss my woman. I'm upset.

And when I'm upset,

the only thing that calms
my nerves is leatherworking.

I'm making a duster.

You seen Meemaw?

She won't tell me where she is.

Well, yes.
She's on a little plot of land

that belongs to Wayne.

Wayne's known where she's been
this whole time?

That sumbitch!

He knew where Meemaw was

and did not tell me.

Therefore, he lied by omission.

And now we gotta duel.

I'm sorry, did you say "duel"?

Yes. Duel.

Out here,
we live by the old ways.

But you're, like, ten minutes
away from an airport.

Tell your boy Wayne
it's time to duel.

Duel...!

(echoing):
Uncle Tommy?

�(birds squawking)
�Tommy?

�(lasers firing)
�Uncle Tommy?

Tommy!

Come on, Violet,
you said you could handle it.

Now you have to handle it.

All I have to do is...

dig deeper...

and think like him.

(can clacking)

♪ ♪

�(bubbling)
�(slurps)

(exhales)

Hee�hee�hee�hee�hee�hee!

Okay, okay.

�♪ ♪
�I see a bench. Kick.

Tree.

Kick.

Rock.

Hmm, what do I do? Bite it?
Sure!

Then what?

Throw. Yes!

Where? Car!

�(horn honking)
�Now I panic.

Ooh, I'm scared.
Good. Yes. I run into the woods.

I roll in crap
for some natural camo.

Yes, yes!

Zigzag run!

Spit! Kick!

Duck behind a tree.

(electronic ping)

Hee�hee�hee�hee�hee�hee�hee!

(banjo playing)

Wayne! Wayne, Wayne,
Wayne, Wayne, Wayne.

How do I put this?

�I talked to Ned.
�Jenny, what?

�You talked to Ned?
�Well, first of all, I can go where I want.

And secondly,
OMG, Ned is so funny.

At least I think
he was being funny.

I hope he was being funny.

'Cause he challenged you
to a duel, and I was like,

"Huh, a duel? Come on, man."
And then he said, "Yeah, duel."

And he pulled out what I'm
pretty sure was a real live gun,

even though it was
cartoonishly big.

But yep, he definitely said
the word "duel." (laughs)

What?

(gasps)

So he's done that joke
on you, too?

It's not a joke.

The Edwardses duel.

�We're duelers!
�What?!

Why do you think there's
ten women to every one man?

JENNY:
Well, I don't know,

I just assumed it was
heart disease or something.

No! 80% of our deaths
are duel�based.

This isn't real.
Am I in a nightmare?

�(motorcycle approaching)
�(gasps)

(excited chatter)

NED:
Wayne Edwards, you have betrayed my trust.

Therefore,
I hereby challenge you

�to a duel.
�(others gasping)

♪ ♪

Okay, now I'm in the woods.

Where do I go? What do I do?

A shiny hubcap!
What do I do with shiny things?

I bite them.

Ugh, it tastes bad.

I need water.
I drink the water.

It also tastes bad.

I spit it out.

I see a skunk staring
straight at me. Aah!

(skunks chittering)

Hee�hee�hee...

Okay, I'm genuinely scared now.

Well, lookee
who decided to show up.

You all out of foot rubs, Ned?

I told you, woman,

that foot rub
was not sexual in nature.

She was having a cramp.

Well, you could've fed her
a banana,

you leathery old horndog.

Okay, well, I think it's time
to settle this the right way.

A healing, nice long chat sesh?

No! A duel.

�(whooping, cheering)
�Or, watch me.

Hey, look what I'm doing.
Whoo! Look at my feet!

Look at my crazy legs!

Jenny, I'm�a need you
to step aside.

Mmm.

I, Wayne Edwards, of sound mind,

do hereby accept
your challenge...

to duel.

Oh, my Lord, Mother,
what have I done?

You got to talk to Meemaw.
We can't do this.

You're right.

I'll talk to her.

Are you as horned up as I am
right now?

(cheering, whooping)

ALL:
Hoot 'n' Haw!

Great.
Is this what you wanted, Jenny?

To get to know my family?

Well, this right here is
what it is.

�My family.
�DONNA: Take your positions!

You have been called
to the field of honor.

�Excited in your no�no spot yet?
�No!

I mean, that is crazy.
I am not okay with this.

Oh, my God, he looks like
a walking Young Guns reboot.

No! Jenny, don't!

BOTH:
One.

Two.

�Three.
�No!

(shouts)

♪ ♪

(distorted yell)

(screams)

Oh, my God, Wayne.
Wayne, are you okay?

This is insane. I want
to tongue�kiss you. What?!

Wait. Why do you smell
like Arby's?

(whispering):
I faked getting shot.

�It's the only way
to get rid of Meemaw. �What?

(coughs) Because in front
of God and everybody,

my dastardly plan to tear
y'all apart has been foiled.

Which means�� oh, God,
I'm just now realizing this��

that you will now return to Haw.

And as much as it pains me
to admit this,

that I accept that
all my extended family

will follow you,
rather than grace my...

(groans) property
with your familial presence.

Well, what do you say,
Sarah Fay?

Will you have me back?

I would say yes, but...

I smell a rat.

(Betty gasps)

�Yep, this is Horsey Sauce.
�(others gasp)

You know what, Meemaw? It is.

'Cause all this is horse crap.

�(gasps)
�Our dumb traditions,

our backwards,
country�ass family,

our�our Hoot 'n' Haws,

all y'all barefoot,
peach wine�drinking squatters,

y'all are a country nightmare!

Looks like someone
did get shot today.

Me. Right in the heart.

Let's go, everybody.

(others muttering)

(skunks chittering)

(screams)

Ha!

♪ ♪

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Cousin Violet,
you came looking for me.

People never look for me.

Probably 'cause no one knows
how to find you.

But you found me.

Yeah, well, I got skills.

Come on, let's get you home.

This is why I keep my family
at arm's length.

The more you see,
the more you'll know

that I'm nothing
but a country bumpkin,

and you're not gonna like it,
and... you're gonna leave me.

Wayne...

no.

(chitters)

I mean, even this skunk doesn't
want to waste his spray on me.

(chitters)

Thanks, but I know you're
just being nice.

Skunk, make yourself at home.
Everyone else has.

This is my life now, Jenny.
I'm the mayor of Skunktown.

Wayne, you've witnessed
my mother scam a toddler,

dine and dash at church potluck,

and backhand a Shriner.

But you love her and I love her,

'cause her crazy ass
made me who I am.

Just like I love
your crazy�ass family.

And you.

Exactly the way y'all are.

WAYNE:
I love you, too.

Wait. Where's Betty?

♪ ♪

Meemaw, I got to tell you,

you did a hell of a job
with Wayne.

And don't ever tell him
I said this,

but he's a good, good man.

You know, when he met Jenny,
I knew he'd found the one.

He said he met a girl, but
then he didn't bring her around,

and I would call and say,

"What happened, Wayne?

"You and this new girl
get abducted by a UFO,

like your Aunt Jubel?"

�(door opens, closes)
�I knew he was ashamed.

�Not ashamed.
�He's not. He really loves you.

Hey, let's just stop talking.

'Cause I know you want
to help me make these dumplings.

I do.

♪ ♪

(sizzling)

Give me a Hoot 'n' Haw!

OTHERS:
Hoot 'n' Haw!

Buck muted my Facebook posts
about how cell phone towers

shrink your ding�a�ling,

so we got us a duel!

Hoot 'n' Haw!

TV NARRATOR:
After the Battle of Skunktown,

skunk and man learned
to coexist in relative harmony.

Local lore even contends
that an army general

married a skunk,

though it has never been proven.

Does that general
look like Wayne?

�Yeah. He's got skunk blood.
�Meemaw!

A man and a skunk
can't procreate.

Oh, hell yes, they can.

Tell me more!

I got some theories of my own.

I need to hear all of them.

�(grunting)
�(laughter)

(dogs bark)

�(meows)
�(horn honks musically)

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