Original subtitles

[ Thinking ] Out there,

while people gossip or take 10-minute breaks,

I remain at the ready.

Nothing can happen that I haven't anticipated.

I am the gatekeeper, the keeper of secrets,

for I am Birdgirl's assistant.

- Gillian! - And Judy's.

My veggie gumbo has tomatoes again.

On it, boss.

[ Thinking ] I was made for this.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

♪ Who's the girl that saves the world? ♪

♪ Hey!

[ Imitates fanfare ] Birdgirl!

Still half a million short. Damn.

Maybe if we sell -the Northfield plant. -We already did.

I thought -we sold Southfield. -We did.

- Eastfield? - No one would buy Eastfield.

It's in the middle of nowhere.

Plus, it smells like beans.

[ Cellphone dialing ] Yuri: Hello?

Yuri, Charlie.

I have a property so deep in Assburg,

it's not on the map. I'll take it.

He wants East Assburg.

I won't take a penny less than ...e you nuts?

We got a live one here. Don't blow it.

[ Whispering indistinctly ] We've got a deal.

- We've got a deal. - Lock it up.

Someone must have made a sale, 'cause I just piddled.

[ Chuckles ] Not really.

Oh! Still 12 bucks short.

[ Can opener whirring ]

[ Whirring stops ]

[ Whirring resumes ]

Whoa-ho, whoa, whoa, whoa.

She eats on the company dime?

- He does. - Huh.

I thought all cats were girls.

Anyway, there's your 12 bucks, right there.

And, uh, you could afford to miss a couple of meals.

[ Meowing angrily ]

Aaah! Get her off me!

Sir, Peter Pants contributes in ways you don't know,

but, fine, we'll switch him to... dry food.

- Carry the 2, and... - blammo... we hit zero. - Thank God.

Maybe this will stop all the employee rumors about layoffs.

There have been rumors about layoffs?[ Clears throat ]

The shifting of resources may mean staff changes.

In fact, I'm sure of it.

Why didn't someone tell me "staff changes" means "layoffs"?

I'm the good CEO. I can't lay people off.

And you won't have to, as long as you stick

to this ass-clenchingly precarious balance sheet.

Speaking of ass-clenching, anyone headed outside?

[ Leash rattles ]

- Well, that went well. - You did great.

You're actually kind of growing into this.

I kind of am.

Gillian! I'm running late.

I'm just gonna Birdgirl straight from here.

Fresh from the cleaner's!

Did you... Reinforce the pits and tits?

Of course.

Hey, anybody want to grab a drink?

[ Gasps ][ Door buzzes ]

That was close. Did he see it? Did he see the suit?

Did he see it, you guys? Did he see it?

Hold it up like you were.

Okay, this is very important.

No one can see the suit,

because then they'll know that Judy is also...

Wait, I almost said it.

[ Whispering ] Does Meredith know?

Do I know what?

Don't be mean.

Yes, I know, along with everything else,

because I'm in your mind.

Gillian, it's kind of a low-key secret.

It's okay for people really close to me

to know about Birdgirl,

but I don't want everybody knowing about it.

Judy, if even just one person

knows about your secret identity,

then they tell three more,

then those three become nine,

then they tell three, and it's three cubed.

You see where I'm going with this?

Then, someone falsely claims Birdgirl injures them

and sues Judy Ken Sebben for all of Sebben & Sebben.

Gillian, I appreciate it. [ Grunts ]

But there are already a ton of pictures on the Internet

comparing me and Birdgirl.

Ooh, pits then tits.

Wah-wah. Much better.

Three, two, one.

Birdgirl!

Tell no one of what you've seen here.

I will tell no one of that.

I protect Judy's secret identity,

not for her sake but for ours.

Well, a little bit for hers.

She's so boss.

[ Light switch clicks ]

Let's get you home.

[ Men chuckling ][ Grunting ]

[ Humming ][ Dye pack beeping ]

Hmm?

[ Gasps ] That was unexpected.

[ Light switch clicks ]

Man: Energy.

"No, not same!"

Nuh-unh.

Birdgirl: Coming in for landing.

I'll be there in three, two...

Birdgirl![ Meows ]

Gillian, did you get the cost-saving

but still-delicious cat food?

Of course.

After he eats, can you play with him?

I got a cat so he could play with himself,

but he doesn't, because he's a cat.

[ Singing indistinctly ]

[ Purrs ]

Okay, great day today, Gillian.

You can go home now and get some rest.

I am so amped.

I'm never gonna get to sleep tonight.

[ Guitar plays softly ][ Yawning ] Make sure I sign those contracts tomorrow

and find something to remove blue dye...

from... skin.

[ Light switch clicks ]

[ Music fades ]

[ Meows ]

♪ When I'm alone

♪ And I've got no one to dry my tears ♪

♪ I hear a voice crying out ♪

♪ In my...

Carl! I can't take this anymore.

None of us can take it.

Eileen, I'm a grown man, okay?!

I've been out looking for a job, and now I'm home.

I just want to spread my legs and relax!

You're drunk, Dad.

You're both drunk.

Where'd this Goddamn cat come from?!

Cassie, how many times do I have to tell you

to close the screen door when you come in?

- Dad, you're drunk. - That door was shut. - Dad, you're drunk.

You know Cassie always shuts that door when she gets home.

You're just too drunk to notice.

[ Glass shatters ]

My God.

That Goddamn cat's right.

I'm a drunk.

I need to dry out and get my family back.

We're right here, Dad.

Cassie: We've always been here, Dad.

[ Gasps ] Risking country music star Caleb Lee Hutchinson?

We'll always be here, Cassie, right here, no matter what.

[ Smoke detector beeping ]

♪ Unlock the door ♪ And set it free

♪ Unlock the door ♪ And let it be

[ Screaming ]

[ Elevator bell dings ] Dee-dee-doo.

Morning, all. Good morning.

Good morn... Oh! Oh, my God!

Floris is dead!

- What? - What?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

No? Just resting?

Thank goodness. [ Yawns ]

Floris, refill that carafe, you lazy bag.

Energy.

[ Elevator bell dings ][ Clears throat ]

Good morning, Judy.

I haven't seen you since 6:00 P.M. last night,

when we both left work.

Your dress is smoking.

[ Gasps ]

- We have to fire Gillian. - We can't fire Gillian.

Remember that ass-clenchingly precarious balance sheet?

Her ridiculous number of O.T. hours has put us in the red.

[ Singsong voice ] I need those ridiculous hours.

My life will fall apart.

- We've got no choice. - Unless we...

Put her in a coma... hire another assistant to split her workload.

[ Normal voice ] Probably what Mer said.

A new employee is actually cheaper than overtime.

Okay, great, now Birdgirl gets an all-night assistant.

No more boring sleep.

- I'll get Gillian. - Crudité time.

Gillian, take a seat.

Did I do something wrong?

No, you did everything right.

You're working too much.

I'm working just the right amount

of all the time, all the time.

Gillian, we were wondering, you know,

would it be so bad if we hired a night assistant?

You take normal business hours, 6:00 A.M. to 6:00 P.M.,

and someone else... Okay, perfect.

That went easier than I thought.

I'll start the hiring process straightaway.

I already know who I'll hire.

[ Inhales deeply, exhales sharply ]

We need someone with tight lips and a tighter ass...

not literally.

Just someone who can keep a secret

and takes it deadly serious.

Gillian said "ass."

I'll find the one person who can do this job.

Mm.

- Gillian! - Gillian!

Loose lips. Can't keep his mouth shut.

None of these people are good enough for Judy.

Bingo.

Gillian. Hi.

Ugh. Hi, Benjy.

Rumor has it, the boss is looking for some night help.

FYI... the best version of me comes out at night.

Everyone knows that's just stacked pubic hair, Benjy.

Besides, you're too late, as "ushe."

I've already found the perfect match.

Oh, yeah? Who?

None of your beeswax, "Pube-jy."

Okay, okay, good burn.

Welp, when you realize you're desperate for the Benjy Effect,

you know where to find me.

Nowhere near Birdgirl. That's where.

Interestingly, she's a little casual

about her secret identity,

which means we have to be super serious about it.

Got it?

[ British accent ] Got it.

[ Grunts ] Hyah![ Normal voice ] Oh, my...

Nose in the carpet, hands above the top bun.[ British accent ] Oh, hello.

I'm Gennifer, your new night assistant.

Oh, so, so sorry!

She told me you'd be starting tonight.

I'm shocked she actually hired someone.

She's, like, totally freaked out

about people learning my not-secret identity.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, that Gillian. [ Chuckles ]

Stop.

Hmmmmmmm.

Show time.

[ Normal voice ] Nice job, Gennifer.

[ British accent ] You, too, Gillian.

[ Normal voice ] You're almost as good as me.

- Nobody's that good. - Oh, one thing.

Never give Birdgirl a freshly sharpened knife,

because she stores them in her pants.

Oh, I know. How?

Because I'm you.

You're kind of crazy.

And I quite like it.

[ Yawns ] Energy.

Another day guarding the secret comes to a successful end.

[ Alarm clock ringing ]♪ I will paint a picture

Just as another begins.

The sun rises because of me,

though I'm not the sun.

That's, like, Elizabethan for,

"What have you done for me lately?"

♪ When I jump inside and walk on... ♪

What the [bleep] have you done?

That's totally normal.

Okay, so tonight is your speech

at the Harley-Davidson Hogs For a Female Cause.

And Friday, you have

the Women in Business Male Empowerment Seminar,

a networking event for businesswomen, run by men.

Got it. Let's write the keynote for tonight.

Maybe we start with some motorcycle slang.

"Good evening, riders.

I hope you're all keeping the rubber side down."

Cutting. Right.

The latest numbers are in.

Productivity is way down.

People are spending all their work hours

droning on about the not-layoffs.

So, by worrying about layoffs, employee productivity is down,

which will lead -to massive layoffs. -I'll take notes.

Thanks for saying that... out loud.

I say, if they can't stop talking about layoffs,

- do some layoffs. - No, we have to find some way

to get a positive message out there.

- Bwee-oop? - No. No cheating.

Just a snap of these fingers,

and everyone forgets about layoffs...

and a few of them, their names.

No, we're gonna do this the right way.

I'll go to these functions and deliver an upbeat view

of Sebben & Sebben.

Meredith, you do a listening tour.

Make the employees talk so much,

they forget what they're afraid of, but no "bwee-oop."

I promise.

Gillian, I forgot to tell Gennifer

I'm gonna need her at the event tonight,

and you, both of you... there... tonight...

at the same time. Can you let her know?

Uh, both of us? There, tonight?

I'll do some Birdgirl-ing, go to the event,

then get back to Birdgirl-ing.

It's a Birdgirl sandwich with a hog-meat center.

Speaking of hog meat, where is Birdcat?

Energy.[ Snorting ]

I'll find him.

I don't know, Trace, they just put me on register,

and I don't want to lose this job.

I'll pay it all back on Thursday, babe.

They won't even know.

[ Purring ]

My God, even a cat can see it.

I don't need to sacrifice my job for a man.

Get your hands off me, and get out.

We are done and done, and don't ever come back here.

I don't know where or how or why or how,

but I'll get you, Cat.

That cat's a freak.

He's not a freak!

He's an angel.

♪ Unlock the door ♪ And set it free

♪ Unlock the door ♪ And let it be

So, let's go around the room,

and you tell me what's on your mind.

Using the pads in front of you, I want you to write down...

[Bleep] journaling!

Am I in trouble here?

Is this about the layoffs?

Like, 1 to 10, what's my risk exposure?

[Bleep] it! We're all at risk!

Look, either way, I'm covered.

Protected class. They can't fire me.

It'd look like they discriminate against majorities.

And the majority of people would have a big problem with that.

They might rise up, take the power

they already have into their own hands.

[Bleep] it!

Thanks for coming, everyone.

And... synchronize watches.

The event starts at 8:00.

Gennifer, you meet Birdgirl at the southeastern entrance

at exactly 19:56 with Judy's outfit.

[ British accent ] Got it.

Birdgirl, you'll steal away behind the chocolate abyss.

Chocolate abyss?

Oh, it's a bottomless fondue pot,

which will provide you with ample cover

to change into Judy's evening gown.

Then, you'll meet me, Gillian, at the production booth,

where I'll drop off her head shot

to be projected on the screen,

and we'll get Judy ready to go onstage.

Got that, Gillian? Roger.

Le coq au vin, Gillian.

Benjy? What are you doing here?

I never miss this event... for obvious reasons.

Benjy works at Sebben & Sebben.

Miss Ken Sebben, we're all pulling for you.

[ Wristwatch beeping ] Finally, a female CEO. It's time.

Man: Introducing your keynote speaker...

- Speech, speech! - ...CEO, and honorary hog...

Speech, speech, speech, speech.

...Judy Ken Sebben!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪

[ Engine revs, tires squeal ]

♪

[ Engine idling ]

Hello, riders.

I hope you're keeping the rubber side down.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I just found out we raised over $160 million

for female causes tonight.

Isn't that something?[ Cheers and applause ]

Uh, $160,000.

[ Audience groans ] Sorry about that.

[ Audience "ohhs" ] We live in amazing times.

In my company,

old ladies are no longer considered just back-warmers.

[ Audience groans ]

And when it comes to my employees,

uh, if they can't stop talking about layoffs, do some layoffs.

Sorry, uh, bit of a mix-up.

Must be the fumes.

[ Laughs ]

Just so we're clear, there are no massive layoffs going on.

I'm gonna stop saying the word "layoffs."

This is the absolute last time I say "layoffs."

[ Grunts]

You were so concerned about my secret identity,

we messed up the reason we were here...

to stop the rumors about layoffs.

- Not happy, Gillian. - It's my fault.

You do seem to be stretched a little thin.

What if somehow we found the funds

to hire a second assistant to assist you?

What about that weird kid on the 27th floor?

The pubic-lump guy?

Yeah, he seems to be an upper-level floater.

Super perfect way -to describe him. -Benjy can fill in

Man: Energy... that Gillian and Gennifer might miss.

There are no gaps!

I mean, okay, great.

Benjy it is. I'll tell him.

I know where to find him. We're friends.

Even though I hate him.

[ As Benjy ] [ Clears throat ][ Gasps ]

Your magnetic pen, ma'am?

Benjy here, reporting for duty.

I'm Benjy. Yeah, that's me.

Hmmmmm.

Great! Welcome to the team!

[ Normal voice ] Judy Ken Sebben's office.

[ As Benjy ] Judy Ken Sebben's office.

[ British accent ] I'm a tea drinker, Floris!

You git!

Benjy!

Gillian!

Gennifer![ Cellphone rings ]

[ As Benjy ] Judy Ken Sebben's office.

[ Coughing ] Energy.

[ Water running ]

[ Normal voice ] Benjy, you're so annoying.

Aah! Look at yourself.

You need help. You're going to die.

Then I'm going to die, and nobody's going to know

until a corpse dog sniffs me out

because you have no friends and you're always at work.

I have everything under control.

I can't let you find out that Judy is Birdgirl.

I know she's Birdgirl.

♪

Energy.

- Ahem. - Did I do something wrong?

Gillian, some things have been falling through the cracks.

And not just the one on your face.

I think it'd be best to get the assistants together...

on the same page.

Uh, let me go get them.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Whew.

Energy.

[ Glass shatters ]

The gig is up, Gennifer.

Or should I say Gillian?

Gillian, you don't have to do this anymore.

[ British accent ] No! I'm Gingerfer.

I'm Gengillian.

Gillian, stop. You're making it worse.

It is with great sadness, uh, that we must force you

to use your five months of unused vacation time.

[ Normal voice ] Fired?!

You're firing me?

[ Laughs ] Let's just put her in a coma.

I'm the only one strong enough to keep the secret.

I'm the only one you can trust!

I gave my everythi-i-i-ng!

And now I'm fired! [ Grunts ]

[ British accent ] You don't run from me, missy!

[ Normal voice ] No, you don't run...

[ As Benjy ] No, there is no Birdgirl.

[ British accent ] No, you shut up!

There's no Birdgirl without me!

[ Normal voice ] Or me! [ As Benjy ] Or me!

[ Normal voice ] I'm the keeper of the secret!

[ British accent ] I'm Judy's assistant!

[ Deep voice ] I'm all Judy's assistants!

Oh, my God.

[ Grunts ]

You can't see her change into her costume!

[ Grunts ]

Carl, we're gonna lose the house.

Eileen, I'll get another job.

[ Gasps ] Maybe I'll get a job, too.

God damn it, Eileen.

Don't say that.

[ Meows ] How'd that cat get in here?

Cassie![ China shatters ]

40 pounds of dry-aged Wagyu beef.

The real missing Dead See Scrolls.

A Ferrari!

The forgotten Klimt painting!

We're gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Lighter clinks ]

The cat's lick. It's...

Pointing to Heaven.

That's right.

She's an angel cat.

[ Smoke detector beeping ]

♪ Unlock the door ♪ And set it free

♪ Unlock the door ♪ And let it be

♪ Unlock the door and follow... ♪

[ Screaming ]

Oh, no, they're out of that cute leopard print

Gennifer wears seamlessly from morning to evening.

Hey!

You shouldn't be out.

Let's get you home.

[ Cat meows ]

Birdgirl: Whoa!

Gillian!

Oh, sorry. I'll find your wet food.

[ Thud ]

Aw, Gillian.

[ Grunting ]

Gillian: Must protect boss.

[ Vomiting ]

[ Humming ]

We're so tired.

[ Guitar plays softly ]

Shh.

[ Normal voice ] What happened?

Pretty sure we're gonna make the news again.

You can watch tomorrow.

I was just trying to protect you.

Gillian, we're all just regular people

trying to do the best we can, and you're better than best.

You mean it?

Yes, but you suck at taking care of yourself.

Rest, and tomorrow we can talk about that vacation.

Wow, that sounds nice.

Whew. Boy, I can... I can really smell that.

Hoo!

[ Siren wails in distance ]

Birdgirl: Birdcat, coming in for landing.

I'll be there in three, two...

[ Grunts ]

Man: Relax.

Half a mil in the black.

When folks saw that the stress of working for you

turned your assistant into a three-headed monster,

some of them decided to pursue other opportunities.

A lot of people quit.

Veggie gumbo, extra tomatoes.

When is Gillian back?

[ Sniffing ] I hate that guy.

♪ Hey, who's the girl that saves the world? ♪

♪ Birdgirl!

♪ Wins a fight, unique like pearls ♪

♪ Birdgirl!

♪ Who's the one they can't defeat? ♪

♪ Hey, Birdgirl!

♪ Ultra fierce and so unique ♪

♪ Hey, Birdgirl!

♪ Birdgirl!

♪ Hey [ Imitates fanfare ]

Made in Georgia.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0