Original subtitles

I'm very much a creature of habit.

Perhaps it's a trait I got from my father.

Every night he would go through the mail, and every night,

like clockwork, he would get very cranky.

Damn bills.George.

You'd think he'd get used to it,

but night after night it upset him all over again.

Jury duty? Son of a...

George.

It was complicated.

I didn't like seeing him upset,

but what can you do? I love consistency.

IRS? This can't be good.

Sure it can.

When is the IRS ever good?

Perhaps they're writing to congratulate me

on filing such a beautiful tax return.

What's it say? Okay. Not so bad.

We owe four dollars and 22 cents.

What?

That could've been worse.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Let me see that.

I'm gonna wash up for dinner.

You realize they're wrong. My return was flawless.

I-It's four dollars. Forget it.

But they're saying I made a mistake.

You also got us a nice refund. You did a great job.

I appreciated my mother's love,

but what a boy really craves

is the unconditional approval of a government agency.

Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mr. Falcon.

Wait, who is Mr. Falcon?

No one.

Then why'd he say it?

Well, in the real version, he said a bad word,

but they had to change it for TV.

TV is so lame.

What did he really say?

That's so much better.

This movie workson a lot of levels.

Dad, I reviewed the tax return and I was right.

They're the ones who made the mistake.

Uh... What are you doing?

Writing a check to the IRS.

But we don't owe them anything.

They're claimingthat I underreported our income,

but I can prove that they're wrong.

It's not worth picking a fight with them

over a few bucks.

Just let me call them, I can sort this out.

Just drop it, we don't want to get on their radar.

But if you send that check, it's like admitting

I made a mistake when I didn't.

Sheldon, sometimes being right isn't the most important thing.

I'm glad you feel that way, because, boy, are you wrong.

We're done talking about this.

And there he goes, wrong again.

I'll have the rib eye, medium rare.

And for you?

Uh, just the house salad, please.

Very good.

House salad?

You watching your figure?

I have a physical tomorrow.

Oh, so your plan is to start eating healthy now?

Can't hurt.

It ain't gonna undo 70 years of red meat and beer.

I'm not trying to undo it,

I'm just trying to hide it under some lettuce.

Son of a Mitch.

Melissa Cooper.

What? I said "Mitch."

There's nothing wrong with that.

But you meant another word.

I'm sorry, what other word?

Just watch it.

Hold on. So you're saying if I have a friend

whose dad's name is Mitch,

I'm not allowed to talk about him?

I know what you're doing.

Okay, I just feel bad for my friend.

That poor son of a Mitch.

Melissa Cooper.

How's that salad?

It sucks. How's your steak?

You know how they overcook it sometimes

so it's a little bit dry?

Uh-huh.

Not this time. It's so good.

You know what else is good?

This radish.

Would you like some steak? Yes.

Then you probably should've ordered some.

It's delicious.

You are not a very nice lady.

Mmm.

Psst. Hey-a, kid.

Who is it?

It's me. The envelope with the IRS check.

What do you want?

You can't let him send me.

You didn't make a mistake.

Oh, I know that, but it's too late.

It's not. The check isn't due for 30 days.

So?

Just go in the kitchen and take me off the pile.

Buy yourself some time to straighten this out.

But tampering with the mail is a federal offense.

I'm not mail yet. I'm not in the mailbox.

That's the law.

But what if my dad notices you're missing?

Do it after he leaves for work. He'll never know.

That's brilliant.

I'm not real, so technically, you thought of it.

That makes more sense.

The next morning, I patiently waited

for my father to leave for work.

Are you leaving for work?

Yeah?

See you. Bye.

Bye.

I leapt into action.

My heart was pounding.

I don't know what kind of bladder control

professional spies have,

but this first-timer needed to pee pronto.

Now that I had prevented my dad from saying

I made a mistake, it was time to get the IRS to admit theirs.

IRS, Agent Green speaking.

Hello, my name is Sheldon Cooper.

Forgive me for cutting right to the chase,

but I'm outside and my skin is incredibly fair.

Okay, how can I help you?

You sent my family a bill saying we owe

an additional four dollars and 22 cents, but you're mistaken.

I filed a flawless return.

I'm sorry, how old are you?

That seems irrelevant, but I'm 11.

Your parents let an 11-year-old file their federal tax return?

This year. Two years ago, they let a nine-year-old do it.

Look, these tax codes are complicated.

If you only made

a four dollar mistake, that's pretty impressive.

I didn't make a mistake at all. You did.

Is that so? Yes.

But don't feel bad, these tax codes are complicated.

Uh-huh.

Okay, I've got your file right here, and, uh,

looks like you underreported your income.

Actually, if you check under charitable donations,

you'll notice that the money we made

at the garage sale did not count as taxable income

because we donated it to the church.

Well, I'll, uh, I'll have a look into that.

In the future, you might consider doing that

before you send out the letter.

So how does this work?

Do you apologize now, do I get it in writing?

It's no big deal.

It's a colonoscopy.

So? So,

one of those words means "colon," and the other means

"shoving a camera up it."

Mm. I'm surprised you need one.

Did you tell him about the salad?

It's not funny.

Stop being such a baby.

Something I have pushed out of my body. You can do this.

Wait, wait, I got an idea.

Why don't we do it together?

What?

No. Come on.

It'll be romantic.

You're weird.

Hey, kids. GEORGE SR.: What the hell?

Why are we getting audited?

What? Are you sure it doesn't say "applauded"?

Perhaps for a job well done?

We're being audited for the last three years

of our tax returns.

I don't get it.

I mailed in that check a week ago.

About that. I can explain.

Sheldon? I just needed some time

to prove there were no errors in my work.

What did you do?

I took the check

before Mom mailed it. What?

But I called the IRS and sorted things out.

Clearly you didn't.

I told you to let it go.

I'm sorry.

This could end up costing us a fortune.

I can fix it.No.

I'm gonna hire an accountant and have him handle it right.

But I want to help. You've helped enough.

Go to your room.

Yes, sir.

I feel bad beating you like this after you bought me drinks.

Okay, I tell you what. You want to make it more interesting?

Sure. Okay, how about this?

If I win, you get a colonoscopy with me.

God, are you still on this?

Come on, why not?

'Cause I don't wanna.

Well, I don't wanna, either, but my doctor said I got to.

Well, my doctor didn't say nothing.

When was the last time you saw him?

I don't know, it's been a while.

Yeah, well, like, "six months" a while,

"Watergate" a while? Drop it.

Uh, last time you saw him, were they using leeches?

I'm about to take this pool cue

and beat your doctor to the punch.

Oh. That long, huh?

Look, all I'm saying is you could use a checkup.

I feel fine. Okay.

At your age, there's nothing wrong with going in...

I'm not going to the doctor,

so just...

mind your own business.

Why didn't you eat with us?

I'm not hungry. Dad's mad at me.

Mom's not thrilled with me, either.

Why?

Mom made chicken,

and I said chickens cluck a lot,

so they should be called "cluckers."

And some chickens are moms,

so you could call them "mother..."

I don't care.

Mom sure did.

What did you do wrong?

I got Dad in trouble with the IRS.

He has to hire an accountant,

which could cost us a lot of money.

Dang, makes me not want to have kids.

Hello.

Well, hey.

Well, you missed it.

Some old broad went nuts over there

and threw her pool cue on the table.

She's crazy. Mm.

Sorry.

Well, you're not a fan of doctors, huh?

They never have good news.

They just want to find something wrong.

It's kind of their job.

If something's wrong with me,

I don't want to know about it.

That's dumb.

No, it's not.

If I'm gonna drop dead, I'd rather do it quick

and leave lookin' good.

I want to live so long

I start looking like a mummy.

You're off to a strong start.

Hey.

My husband went to the doctor.

And they found something.

Two days later, he was in surgery.

Nine months later, he was dead.

Geez.

I don't want that.

And I, I don't want

to put anybody else through that.

I'm sorry.

Mm.

I hope you stick around long enough

to start looking like a mummy, too.

I always pictured myself

more the Bride of Frankenstein type.

Well, you got the hair for it.

So how's it look?

Do I owe a lot of money? I don't have a lot of money.

Mm-hmm, I can see that.

Who did these?

Why?

Is it that bad?

They're impeccable.

Oh...

Actually, it was my son.

Well, why don't you just use him for the audit?

He's 11.

An 11-year-old did these?

Actually, he might've been nine at the time.

I'm not good with birthdays.

Hey.

Hello.

Playing with your trains?

I'm punishing myself by looking at them,

but not allowing myself to run them.

You don't have to punish yourself.

Because you'd rather do it? That's fair.

No.

It's okay. I deserve it.

Actually...

I want you to represent us at the audit.

But I messed everything up.

You did.

But I also know if anyone's smart enough

to get us out of this, you are.

Why'd you change your mind?

No reason.

What did the accountant say?

Nothing.

They said my returns were perfect, didn't they?

Play with your trains.

Why are you readin' the Bible?

I felt bad about last night,

so I thought it might be good for me.

Where are you going with this?

Nowhere, I just want to make you happy.

Uh-huh.

"And the man increased

"exceedingly, and had much cattle,

"and maidservants, and menservants,

and camels, and asses."Okay. Stop.

What? I'm just reading from Genesis.

Well, cut it out.Fine.

Let's try Exodus.

"And on the seventh

"day thou shalt rest:

that thine ox and thine ass may rest."

That is it, you are grounded.

For reading the Bible?

The way you are doing it, yes. Go to your room.

Okay.

I don't have a donkey.

But if I did, I'd take my ass out of here.

Hello.

I'm George Cooper. This is my son Sheldon.

Yes, we spoke on the phone.

You look exactly like you sound.

Not everybody does.

Should we get started? Yes.

I realize some people

may find the ins and outs of tax law

a little tedious, so allow me to spice this story up.

Instead of an audit, imagine this is a showdown

between two warriors in the most brutal

and exciting form of combat there is...

chess.

Am I the only one who just got chills?

Let's start with the business deductions

from Schedule A on the tax return dated

1989.

I know, bold opening move.

Don't worry, I came to play.

Happy to.

I've got those receipts right here.

Dated, highlighted...

and itemized.

Told you.

For the next three hours, we battled it out.

Two mighty brains

locked in mortal tax code combat.

Justify this expense.

Our AGI was less than 50,000.

Improper classification.

Rolled over from the previous fiscal year.

The receipt has barbecue sauce on it.

Dad. Sorry.

So you are

remarkably well-versed in the tax code.

Thank you. It's nice of you

to do your parents' returns

for free every year.

Oh, I don't do it for free.

My dad buys me a model train afterwards.

Interesting.

So you accept payment

even though you're not a licensed tax professional?

In clear violation of federal law.

Check.

I had walked right into his trap.

Excuse me, I need to use the restroom.

So, catch that Cowboys game last...

No.Yeah.

Ballard's.

Hello. Hey, what's up?

You'll be happy to know I went out and got a checkup.

Fantastic.

Yeah, great, just great.

And now you can shut up about it.

Well, how'd it go?

Good news, bad news.

Uh-oh. Good news is I'm fine.

Well, now, isn't that comforting to know?

Don't be smug.

So what's the bad news?

He wants me to have a colonoscopy.

Great!

Oh, my gosh, we can do it together!

Can't you just feel the romance?

No, you weirdo.

There you are.

Hey, we're waiting on you.

I want to go home.

What are you talking about?

We're not done yet.

Yes, we are.

I made a mistake that's gonna cost us

a lot of money that we don't have.

I feel so stupid.

Hey.

It's okay to feel stupid.

No, it's not.

It just means you're growing.

If you don't look back and think you were dumb,

then you, then you haven't learned anything.

So what do we do?

We get back in there.

What if we lose?

Doesn't matter... win or lose,

we don't give up, all right?

Now let's get in there and show 'em

what we're made of... What do you say?

I've heard you give that exact same pep talk at football games.

Well, I didn't have a special one prepared.

That's all right.

I feel properly pepped.

So...

where were we?

Check.

It's true.

I made a mistake.

But my dad taught me that's okay.

Wait.

My dad's a teacher.

Which means, my doing our taxes wasn't work for-hire,

but an economics lesson he was teaching me.

Therefore, the train he bought me wasn't payment

for unlicensed work, it was a reward

for successfully completing my lesson.

So it does not violate the statute,

and since the value of the train is less than $10,000,

there's no additional gift tax.

Checkmate.

Well, I guess that wraps it up.

Is it over? What happened?

We won.

Wait, we don't owe anything?

No, your returns are all in order.

Well done.

Thank you.

Your son's extremely intelligent.

Yep. I hope you audit us next year,

so I can run circles around you again.

Until he says something stupid. Let's go.

I can't believe we have to drink

so much of that garbage.

Well, the important thing is, we get to do it together, dear.

You are so full of crap.

Well, not for much longer.

Excuse me, the festivities have begun.

You're taking that whole thing with you?

I'm gonna be a while.