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1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,745
♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,897 --> 00:00:07,506
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,699 --> 00:00:11,084
♪ But where are thosegood old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,220 --> 00:00:14,087
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,223 --> 00:00:17,850
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,001 --> 00:00:21,353
♪ Lucky there's a manwho positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,505 --> 00:00:22,929
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,024 --> 00:00:24,581
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,683 --> 00:00:30,154
♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:35,986 --> 00:00:38,929
(alarm beeping)
11
00:00:38,989 --> 00:00:40,330
(alarm off)
12
00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:43,459
(yawns)
13
00:00:46,330 --> 00:00:48,029
(blows raspberry)
14
00:00:48,090 --> 00:00:50,215
Alexa, what's in the news
this morning?
15
00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:52,029
ALEXA:
Here is your morning briefing.
16
00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:54,439
In Washington, D.C.,
Congress has passed a measure..
17
00:00:54,463 --> 00:00:57,056
Alexa, skip to
celebrity birthdays.
18
00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,117
Mario Lopez is
47 years old today.
19
00:01:00,177 --> 00:01:03,062
No way!
Someone should tell his face.
20
00:01:03,255 --> 00:01:04,788
I know, right?
21
00:01:04,890 --> 00:01:06,451
(chuckles): Seriously!
22
00:01:06,475 --> 00:01:08,901
Okay, see you later, Alexa.
23
00:01:09,094 --> 00:01:11,144
You're my best friend.
24
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:13,980
And you're...
you're awesome, Lois.
25
00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:16,149
Best friends.
26
00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:19,912
MEG (calling out):
Hey, Mom, my period started
on the couch.
27
00:01:20,105 --> 00:01:21,154
(takes deep breath)
28
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,656
You wanted to have a family,
you wanted this life.
29
00:01:24,776 --> 00:01:27,064
My shoes are on the roof.
Get 'em.
30
00:01:27,088 --> 00:01:29,755
(children's song playing on TV)
31
00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:32,235
-♪ The driver on the bus peeksto check his phone ♪
-Come on, move your arm up.
32
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:34,262
- Up. Close your hand.
- ♪ Check his phone ♪
33
00:01:34,286 --> 00:01:36,740
- Okay, push it through. Good.
- ♪ Check his phone ♪
34
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:38,983
-Just let me do it.
-♪ The driver on the bus peeksto check his phone ♪
35
00:01:39,007 --> 00:01:41,069
- Other arm. Almost done.
- ♪ Whoops, he hit a dog ♪
36
00:01:41,093 --> 00:01:43,936
Move your thumb.
Move your thumb. Push.
37
00:01:44,087 --> 00:01:45,731
- There. Done.
- ♪ The driver on the bus ♪
38
00:01:45,755 --> 00:01:47,584
♪ Says, "Shut up, shut up,shut up ♪
39
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:50,995
♪ Let me think for a second." ♪
40
00:01:51,019 --> 00:01:52,519
(Lois straining)
41
00:01:52,655 --> 00:01:54,113
Why did you do this?
42
00:01:54,306 --> 00:01:56,301
If they didn't want us
to put our foot down there,
43
00:01:56,325 --> 00:01:59,337
they shouldn't make it
a perfect fit for a toilet shoe.
44
00:01:59,361 --> 00:02:01,528
- Who's "they"?
- Uh, Big Toilet?
45
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,622
"Big Toilet"? Is that a thing?
46
00:02:03,773 --> 00:02:05,457
Shh!
47
00:02:05,650 --> 00:02:07,253
MAN: Welcome back to
the Stuff You Should Just Spend
48
00:02:07,277 --> 00:02:08,961
the Money On podcast.
49
00:02:09,112 --> 00:02:11,797
Today's episode: "Expressing
Your Dog's Anal Glands."
50
00:02:11,948 --> 00:02:14,691
MAN 2: Yeah, you really don't
want to DIY on the anal glands.
51
00:02:14,751 --> 00:02:16,696
Just spend the money.
It can't cost more than,
52
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:18,698
- I don't know, 30 bucks.
- (Brian grunts)
53
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:20,859
-MAN: $30 is three monthsof Netflix.
-(grunts)
54
00:02:20,883 --> 00:02:22,702
MAN 2: So don't watch
The Crown for three months.
55
00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:25,051
- I like The Crown.- MAN: What if I like The Crown?
56
00:02:25,204 --> 00:02:26,957
-MAN 2: Watch it allin one weekend.
-(both grunting)
57
00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:29,167
If you don't finish
a Netflix series in a weekend,
58
00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:31,151
- that's on you.
- Lois, can we just...
59
00:02:31,193 --> 00:02:32,893
can we just kiss a little first?
60
00:02:33,045 --> 00:02:34,631
You know what?
I think it's actually starting
61
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,800
to clear up on its own.
♪ Whoa, Black Betty ♪
62
00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:38,157
♪ Bam-a-lam, hey, Black Betty ♪
63
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:39,491
♪ Bam-a-lam! ♪
64
00:02:39,684 --> 00:02:41,952
♪
65
00:02:45,449 --> 00:02:47,724
- (horn honks)
- (Lois honks back)
66
00:02:47,826 --> 00:02:51,253
Take a bite out of my ass,
you sack of dirt!
67
00:02:54,032 --> 00:02:55,986
(mellow music playing)
68
00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:57,176
(inhales deeply)
69
00:02:57,369 --> 00:03:00,262
Ah... you made it.
70
00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:04,090
Morning, Kyle, Lisa, Kyle H.
71
00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:05,517
Morning, Lois.
72
00:03:05,669 --> 00:03:07,330
What'll it be this morning?
The usual?
73
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:09,374
Ah, you know it.
And with the morning I had,
74
00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:10,931
better make it a large.
75
00:03:11,025 --> 00:03:13,503
So the usual.
76
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,677
How are the muffins
this morning, Lisa?
77
00:03:15,738 --> 00:03:18,422
Oh, not the banana nut, 'cause
I know you're allergic to nuts.
78
00:03:18,482 --> 00:03:20,460
(chuckles): That's right, I am.
Good memory.
79
00:03:20,484 --> 00:03:22,179
Well, it's what makes you
so unique.
80
00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:23,702
MAN: Hurry up!
81
00:03:23,895 --> 00:03:25,849
You know, I always thought
that peanut allergies
82
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,873
just went away
when you became an adult.
83
00:03:27,917 --> 00:03:29,115
You know, like tonsils.
84
00:03:29,268 --> 00:03:30,358
Tonsils go away, right?
85
00:03:30,461 --> 00:03:31,952
I thought I read that.
86
00:03:32,046 --> 00:03:33,046
What are tonsils?
87
00:03:33,238 --> 00:03:35,105
Anyway, let me put in my card.
88
00:03:35,165 --> 00:03:36,790
I got one with a chip on it.
89
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,459
It's like we're living
in the Star Wars.
90
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:40,961
Okay, tip.
91
00:03:41,055 --> 00:03:42,221
I'll do cash.
92
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:43,780
Good, you heard me.
93
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,116
"Would you like to donate
a cup of coffee
94
00:03:46,176 --> 00:03:47,784
to a soldier overseas?"
95
00:03:47,844 --> 00:03:50,787
Yeah, that seems like
a good cause.
96
00:03:50,847 --> 00:03:52,956
MAN: Hey. Here's your
free cup of coffee
97
00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:55,317
- from a lady in Rhode Island.
- What?
98
00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:02,574
♪
99
00:04:21,453 --> 00:04:24,078
Excuse me. Are you in line
for the bathroom?
100
00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:25,822
- No.
- Oh.
101
00:04:25,924 --> 00:04:27,432
Then move!
102
00:04:27,584 --> 00:04:30,352
- (rattles doorknob)
- Give me the key!
103
00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:35,774
So, how was everybody's day?
104
00:04:35,967 --> 00:04:38,259
- I made the football team...
- Congratulations.
105
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,171
...throw up because I put
cleaner in the Gatorade.
106
00:04:41,231 --> 00:04:42,447
Still pretty good.
107
00:04:43,842 --> 00:04:45,971
You know, the funniest thing
happened to me today.
108
00:04:45,995 --> 00:04:48,006
I go to this coffee shop
every morning,
109
00:04:48,030 --> 00:04:49,975
and they do this fun thing
where every week
110
00:04:49,999 --> 00:04:51,935
they choose
a Customer of the Week.
111
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:54,184
It's just a silly thing,
which is why it's so fun.
112
00:04:54,286 --> 00:04:56,202
Anyway, I've never been picked.
113
00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:58,188
Which is fine.
114
00:04:58,248 --> 00:04:59,856
The thing is...
115
00:04:59,958 --> 00:05:00,944
Oh, boy.
116
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,634
...I'm friendly, I always tip,
117
00:05:02,827 --> 00:05:06,046
I almost never say anything
when foreigners loudly FaceTime,
118
00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:09,027
and in general,
I'm a pretty good person.
119
00:05:09,051 --> 00:05:10,291
Right?
120
00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:12,455
Yeah. I mean,
you show little patience
121
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:15,147
for the handicapped at times,
but... yeah.
122
00:05:15,340 --> 00:05:17,002
Yeah, it just,
it just feels like
123
00:05:17,026 --> 00:05:18,633
it should probably be my time.
124
00:05:18,694 --> 00:05:20,321
Well, maybe this'll be
your week.
125
00:05:20,345 --> 00:05:21,486
Oh, you think so?
126
00:05:21,679 --> 00:05:23,157
I don't know.
That-that felt like
127
00:05:23,181 --> 00:05:24,375
the right thing to say,
so I said it.
128
00:05:24,399 --> 00:05:25,969
I do impulsive things.
129
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:28,735
That's how I ended up getting
Rod Stewart's hair.
130
00:05:28,887 --> 00:05:30,220
Morning, luv.
131
00:05:30,322 --> 00:05:32,831
Mind if I sing a tune
into your vagina?
132
00:05:33,024 --> 00:05:35,876
♪
133
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,896
Everybody,
if we could have your attention,
134
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:43,175
we'd like to announce this
week's Customer of the Week.
135
00:05:43,368 --> 00:05:45,471
Ah. I've never seen them
do it live. (chuckles)
136
00:05:45,495 --> 00:05:48,263
This must be what it feels like
to see Bruce.
137
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:53,410
This week's
Customer of the Week is...
138
00:05:53,470 --> 00:05:55,062
Lester!
139
00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:58,523
♪
140
00:06:06,558 --> 00:06:09,034
(sobbing)
141
00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:13,372
(sobbing loudly)
142
00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:21,265
Hey, Bon,
Wednesday Wisdom's live!
143
00:06:21,289 --> 00:06:23,030
- Is it good?
- No.
144
00:06:23,092 --> 00:06:24,508
It's great!
145
00:06:30,799 --> 00:06:32,852
You know what I think
the problem is, Stewie?
146
00:06:32,876 --> 00:06:34,226
I need to show them
147
00:06:34,335 --> 00:06:36,206
that I deserve to be
Customer of the Week.
148
00:06:36,230 --> 00:06:38,291
-You don't.
-Well, they probably see
a woman like me and think,
149
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,210
- "She's got it all."
- They don't.
150
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,142
I know it's
a silly little award,
151
00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:44,196
- but I don't ask for much.
- You do.
152
00:06:44,220 --> 00:06:45,553
And this is the one place,
153
00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:47,808
the one place
that makes me feel happy.
154
00:06:47,832 --> 00:06:50,002
- You aren't.
- I don't understand
what I'm doing wrong.
155
00:06:50,026 --> 00:06:52,318
I-I feel like I really vibe
with everyone there.
156
00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:54,432
- You don't.
- I'm one
of their best customers.
157
00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:56,226
You know,
if I stopped showing up,
158
00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:57,751
they'd probably wonder
where I went.
159
00:06:57,775 --> 00:06:59,855
- They wouldn't.
- Because I'm a nice person.
160
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,272
- You're not.
- I tip in cash.
161
00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:03,257
- So?
- And I can't think of one reason
162
00:07:03,281 --> 00:07:05,068
- why they wouldn't pick me.
- I can.
163
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,972
Oh, thanks for listening,
Stewie.
164
00:07:07,410 --> 00:07:08,646
- I had no choice.
- You know, I'm gonna show them
165
00:07:08,670 --> 00:07:10,281
that I deserve to win
this award.
166
00:07:10,305 --> 00:07:12,246
I need this... just like I needed
167
00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:15,082
my own Gregor
"The Mountain" Clegane.
168
00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,751
- Next.
- Hi, Gil.
169
00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:17,854
Uh, can I get...
170
00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:19,807
Pound of honey ham. Cut it thin.
171
00:07:19,831 --> 00:07:21,334
Oh, excuse me,
I believe I was next.
172
00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,442
Step aside, lady.
173
00:07:28,023 --> 00:07:29,355
Yeah, hi, Gil.
174
00:07:29,508 --> 00:07:31,928
Can I try a piece
of the pepper turkey?
175
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,119
♪
176
00:07:37,073 --> 00:07:38,792
Here you go.
Anything else today?
177
00:07:38,816 --> 00:07:40,770
Yeah, the coffee,
and you know what?
178
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:43,203
I'll take that piece of artwork
for sale on the wall.
179
00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:45,205
Really? That's my painting.
180
00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:47,023
Wha...? Is it?
181
00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:48,967
You are very talented.
182
00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:51,211
Well, how much do I owe you?
183
00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:54,806
- $600.
- (chokes) $600?
184
00:07:54,999 --> 00:07:56,039
Do you still want it?
185
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:56,975
Of course.
186
00:07:57,126 --> 00:07:58,384
(quiet grunt)
187
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,206
It's important to support
local artists
188
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:02,167
by spending
a year's worth of co-pays
189
00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:04,169
on a painting of a...
(chokes, belches)
190
00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:05,391
(pounding counter)
191
00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:06,376
...bridge.
192
00:08:06,436 --> 00:08:08,153
A ladder and an apple.
193
00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:11,064
A ladder and an apple!
What a theme!
194
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,044
Can you split it
on two debit cards?
195
00:08:13,068 --> 00:08:16,014
- I have a limit.
- I can't really ring it up
on the register.
196
00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:18,205
- It has to be cash.
- (chokes)
197
00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:20,890
Perfect!
198
00:08:20,951 --> 00:08:23,084
♪
199
00:08:26,698 --> 00:08:28,676
- By the way, I told you.
- Told me what?
200
00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:30,678
I told you nobody
could tell I was drinking.
201
00:08:30,702 --> 00:08:33,253
- No one cares.
- I care. I do.
202
00:08:34,723 --> 00:08:37,827
Here, take this. Start recording
right before they say my name.
203
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,811
And hold it landscape,
not portrait.
204
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:42,262
This is an important moment,
not a fast-food worker fight.
205
00:08:42,414 --> 00:08:44,667
(quietly):
I wish it was
a fast-food worker fight.
206
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:48,101
- What?
-(loudly): I wish it was
a fast-food worker fight.
207
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:49,528
Welcome, everybody.
208
00:08:49,721 --> 00:08:52,531
This week's
Customer of the Week is...
209
00:08:53,525 --> 00:08:55,951
...Terry Newcustomer.
210
00:08:57,746 --> 00:09:02,093
Wow, this is so unexpected,
because I'm such a new customer.
211
00:09:02,117 --> 00:09:03,353
Lois, should I stop recording?
212
00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:04,784
Oh, you got a text.
213
00:09:04,878 --> 00:09:06,022
Oh, I clicked it.
214
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:06,878
Oh, it's Bonnie.
215
00:09:07,030 --> 00:09:08,380
She's responding to you.
216
00:09:08,573 --> 00:09:10,790
Oh, about me.
Oh, I'm reading the old texts.
217
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:11,916
Oh, I should stop.
218
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:12,884
Oh, but I can't.
219
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,053
Oh, you're unhappy.
220
00:09:14,245 --> 00:09:15,245
Oh, who's Greg?
221
00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:17,113
Oh, there's Greg.
222
00:09:17,173 --> 00:09:19,040
♪
223
00:09:19,935 --> 00:09:22,969
All right, on three, everyone
say their favorite Spider-Man.
224
00:09:23,121 --> 00:09:25,230
All right? One, two, three.
225
00:09:25,423 --> 00:09:27,043
(saying different Spider-Man
characters and actors)
226
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,667
ALL BUT LOIS: What?!
227
00:09:29,260 --> 00:09:31,380
(Meg, Chris, Peter,
Brian and Stewie arguing)
228
00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:35,907
In fact, there'd be no superhero
movies without Tobey Maguire.
229
00:09:36,100 --> 00:09:38,743
No way!
Garfield never got a chance.
230
00:09:38,895 --> 00:09:40,056
Is Affleck the best Batman?
231
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,540
No. But he had
the best Batman body.
232
00:09:41,564 --> 00:09:44,082
He'll be the first ex-Spider-Man
to win an Oscar.
233
00:09:44,233 --> 00:09:46,859
Just 'cause it's in animation,
people think it's not legit.
234
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,588
(indistinct arguing)
235
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,332
♪
236
00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:55,010
(others continue arguing)
237
00:10:00,124 --> 00:10:01,766
I don't get it!
238
00:10:01,959 --> 00:10:02,992
Wait, Spider-Man?
239
00:10:03,053 --> 00:10:04,344
He's a guy with spider powers.
240
00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:06,124
Can't I have one thing
in my life?
241
00:10:06,148 --> 00:10:07,250
Is that too much to ask?
242
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:08,756
What is it, do they hate me?
243
00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:11,017
Because astrologically
I'm very compatible
244
00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:13,019
with Kyle H. and Lisa.
245
00:10:13,155 --> 00:10:15,133
I'm a Gemini
and they're both Aquarius,
246
00:10:15,157 --> 00:10:16,764
so we're natural matches!
247
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,803
Kyle is a Virgo,
which doesn't match with Gemini,
248
00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:21,194
but they're supposed
to at least care about people!
249
00:10:21,346 --> 00:10:22,787
What am I missing?
250
00:10:22,980 --> 00:10:25,101
You know, Mom, if you
really want to get noticed,
251
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,978
you should save
one of their lives.
252
00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:28,921
- What?
- There was a kid at school
253
00:10:28,945 --> 00:10:31,265
who got a whole page
in the yearbook dedicated to him
254
00:10:31,289 --> 00:10:34,190
because he saved a kid
who had a peanut allergy.
255
00:10:34,292 --> 00:10:36,354
Peanut allergy?
256
00:10:36,378 --> 00:10:38,044
I have a peanut allergy.
257
00:10:38,196 --> 00:10:41,865
Yeah. This kid accidentally ate
something with peanuts in it
258
00:10:41,925 --> 00:10:43,549
and the other kid came over
259
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,718
and Pulp Fictioned him
with an EpiPen.
260
00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:46,854
Huh...
261
00:10:47,004 --> 00:10:48,699
I can't even touch peanuts.
262
00:10:48,723 --> 00:10:51,040
That kid was a hero.
263
00:10:51,101 --> 00:10:52,558
Hero...
264
00:10:52,711 --> 00:10:53,801
You flush it!
265
00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:55,528
It scares me when it goes away.
266
00:10:57,107 --> 00:10:58,398
Yes... hero.
267
00:10:58,492 --> 00:10:59,492
I'll be a hero,
268
00:11:00,702 --> 00:11:02,296
and then they'll have
to make me Customer of the Week.
269
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:03,806
Why is this story
all about Mom this week?
270
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:06,956
What, are we giving
Seth's voice a rest?
271
00:11:12,288 --> 00:11:15,256
(electric guitar riff plays)
272
00:11:20,872 --> 00:11:24,165
Okay, I'll just pour
some of these Planters peanuts
273
00:11:24,226 --> 00:11:25,828
into Lisa's car.
274
00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,093
The official peanut
275
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,831
of poisoning
people with allergies.
276
00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:30,855
What? No, she's kidding!
277
00:11:31,007 --> 00:11:32,265
Come on, look at me:
278
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,767
top hat, gloves, shoes,
no other clothes.
279
00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:36,194
I'm a good guy!
280
00:11:36,387 --> 00:11:39,346
Okay, now I wait
for her to get in her car
281
00:11:39,408 --> 00:11:41,274
and start to have a reaction.
282
00:11:41,426 --> 00:11:44,185
Then I'll swoop in
and save her with this EpiPen.
283
00:11:44,246 --> 00:11:46,871
Then I'll be a lock
to be Customer of the Week.
284
00:11:47,064 --> 00:11:49,023
Stewie, you okay back there?
285
00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,192
Having fun playing
with Mommy's phone?
286
00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:53,269
Yup. I put
the headphones up my nose,
287
00:11:53,329 --> 00:11:55,004
but I made it work.
288
00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:58,269
Okay, there she is.
289
00:11:58,293 --> 00:12:00,051
She's walking to her car...
290
00:12:00,244 --> 00:12:01,794
she's getting out her keys...
291
00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:03,537
she's starting her car...
292
00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:05,140
driving away?
293
00:12:08,887 --> 00:12:12,230
Damn it, I didn't put
enough peanuts in there.
294
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,233
Oh, shaving cream!
295
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:19,279
Ooh, shaving cream.
296
00:12:22,025 --> 00:12:23,908
Oh...
297
00:12:24,101 --> 00:12:26,202
shaving cream.
298
00:12:30,533 --> 00:12:31,533
Oh, good.
299
00:12:32,294 --> 00:12:34,085
Oh, shaving cream.
300
00:12:40,761 --> 00:12:44,153
Mom, why are we at the hospital
to visit your barista?
301
00:12:44,255 --> 00:12:46,656
Chris, I promise
that if one of your baristas
302
00:12:46,758 --> 00:12:49,487
ever gets into an accident,
I'll go to the hospital, too.
303
00:12:49,511 --> 00:12:51,155
Okay.
That's all I wanted to hear.
304
00:12:51,179 --> 00:12:54,347
I've got a lot of baristas
who make questionable choices.
305
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:57,420
Hi, you must be Lisa's mother.
306
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:58,351
How's she doing?
307
00:12:58,445 --> 00:13:00,186
Did she say what happened?
308
00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:02,763
No, she's mostly just said...
309
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:04,357
(ghastly moaning)
310
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,284
Oh, that's not a good moan.
311
00:13:06,477 --> 00:13:09,098
Well, apparently,
someone put peanuts in her car
312
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:10,847
and she's deathly allergic.
313
00:13:10,907 --> 00:13:12,015
Oh, no.
314
00:13:12,075 --> 00:13:13,625
Here are flowers.
315
00:13:13,776 --> 00:13:15,813
STEWIE:
She took those
from a guardrail memorial.
316
00:13:15,837 --> 00:13:18,057
D-Do they have any leads on
who could have done it?
317
00:13:18,081 --> 00:13:18,871
No.
318
00:13:19,024 --> 00:13:20,540
Good. Grief!
319
00:13:20,634 --> 00:13:22,874
"Good grief," is what
Charlie Brown would say here.
320
00:13:22,994 --> 00:13:24,989
Peanuts. Probably
a poor choice of reference.
321
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:27,358
But they're going to check the
parking lot surveillance tape
322
00:13:27,382 --> 00:13:28,382
to see who did.
323
00:13:28,499 --> 00:13:30,883
Surveillance tape? Good grief!
324
00:13:31,019 --> 00:13:32,293
Uh, who are you again?
325
00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:34,887
I'm a... a very good customer.
326
00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:36,463
Oh, my God, I've got to go.
327
00:13:36,525 --> 00:13:38,525
Exit stage left!
328
00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:44,405
That was a very sad door
to run in to.
329
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:57,418
What the hell? Lois?
330
00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:02,131
LOIS:
Put the phone down, Kyle H.
331
00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:05,363
...so then
I start hearing people say
332
00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:06,919
there are different levels
333
00:14:07,072 --> 00:14:08,658
of peanut allergies
and I was like, "Levels?"
334
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:11,182
I mean, when I hear allergy,
I think rash,
335
00:14:11,375 --> 00:14:13,334
not throat-close-car-crash.
336
00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:16,412
Okay, well, I-I'm so glad
that we could talk about this
337
00:14:16,472 --> 00:14:19,190
and that you understand
how we got to where we are.
338
00:14:19,342 --> 00:14:20,766
So, are you gonna let me go?
339
00:14:20,861 --> 00:14:21,861
Yes.
340
00:14:23,012 --> 00:14:23,936
I mean, once I figure out
this whole kerfuffle.
341
00:14:24,030 --> 00:14:25,088
Oh.
342
00:14:25,189 --> 00:14:27,198
Why, are you scared, Kyle H.?
343
00:14:27,391 --> 00:14:30,017
This isn't scary.
344
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,703
I'm a good person.
345
00:14:31,854 --> 00:14:34,038
Now, there are two ways
we can go from here:
346
00:14:34,231 --> 00:14:36,135
you can give me
your absolute trust,
347
00:14:36,159 --> 00:14:38,918
or I can get you hooked
on heroin.
348
00:14:39,070 --> 00:14:40,286
Heroin's not bad.
349
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,289
Not having heroin,
that's what's bad.
350
00:14:43,441 --> 00:14:45,884
Y-You can trust me. It's just...
351
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:47,052
Just what?
352
00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:48,277
I have a cat.
353
00:14:48,338 --> 00:14:49,888
Someone needs to feed him.
354
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:52,557
(long inhale)
355
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:56,135
Now, a bad person
would say "who cares" here.
356
00:14:56,287 --> 00:14:58,804
But since I am a good person,
357
00:14:58,899 --> 00:15:00,714
I will take care of your cat.
358
00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:02,420
Now, open your mouth,
I'm gonna stuff
359
00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:04,277
my son's baseball sock in it.
360
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,081
What the hell? Who are you?
361
00:15:17,233 --> 00:15:18,324
Oh, hello.
362
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:22,086
Um, hi,
I'm Kyle H.'s cat-sitter.
363
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,475
He didn't tell me
he had roommates
364
00:15:24,499 --> 00:15:26,573
who could feed his cat for him.
365
00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:29,168
Wait, why do you have
his laser pointer
366
00:15:29,320 --> 00:15:30,987
and Heisenberg keychain?
367
00:15:31,089 --> 00:15:33,839
Yeah, his keychain flair is how
he expresses his quirkiness.
368
00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,391
He must be in danger!
369
00:15:40,357 --> 00:15:42,317
You can't leave us
like this, lady.
370
00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:43,359
Don't say "lady."
371
00:15:43,467 --> 00:15:44,995
It makes me feel old.
372
00:15:45,019 --> 00:15:47,089
And why is everyone acting
like this is my fault?
373
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:49,338
If anything,
it's Kyle H.'s fault.
374
00:15:49,399 --> 00:15:51,174
I'm a good person.
375
00:15:51,234 --> 00:15:52,786
People are gonna know
we're gone.
376
00:15:52,810 --> 00:15:54,138
I promised my boyfriend
that I'd...
377
00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:55,598
- Wait, you're gay?
- Yeah.
378
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:56,679
You sound surprised.
379
00:15:57,849 --> 00:15:58,623
I don't know,
you just don't present as gay.
380
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,016
Oh, so gays "present"?
381
00:16:00,076 --> 00:16:01,367
No, no, no, that's not...
382
00:16:01,519 --> 00:16:03,294
What? I'm woke, okay?
383
00:16:03,487 --> 00:16:04,537
Is he your boyfriend?
384
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:05,855
No, I'm not gay.
385
00:16:05,915 --> 00:16:07,540
What? But you're roommates.
386
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:09,278
- So?
- So?!
387
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:10,342
And that's not weird?
388
00:16:11,346 --> 00:16:12,657
I mean, do you have
your own bathrooms?
389
00:16:12,681 --> 00:16:14,617
- No.
- What, so you just walk around
390
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,285
- like there's nothing
potentially sexual?
- Yeah.
391
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:18,389
Yeah. I mean,
ever since he joined the gym,
392
00:16:18,502 --> 00:16:20,105
he's really turned
his body around.
393
00:16:20,129 --> 00:16:21,773
But that's not what
I'd be attracted to.
394
00:16:21,797 --> 00:16:24,126
It's more sticking to
his commitment to get healthy.
395
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:26,190
- That's attractive.
- Aw, thank you, bro.
396
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:27,354
Mm, you're welcome, bro.
397
00:16:27,378 --> 00:16:28,728
See, this!
398
00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:31,138
I don't know.
I-I guess I'm not woke, okay?
399
00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:33,216
Fine, you win
with your gay stuff.
400
00:16:33,276 --> 00:16:35,045
That's what you want,
right? To win?
401
00:16:35,069 --> 00:16:38,404
Here, drink whatever you
think a day's worth of water is.
402
00:16:38,556 --> 00:16:40,217
Look, what I was trying
to say is that
403
00:16:40,241 --> 00:16:42,886
you can't leave us like this
because I promised my boyfriend
404
00:16:42,910 --> 00:16:44,855
that I'd make a meal for
his grandmother's meal train.
405
00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:47,821
If I don't drop it off, they're
gonna know something's wrong.
406
00:16:47,882 --> 00:16:50,750
(long inhale)
407
00:16:50,885 --> 00:16:52,084
(exhales)
408
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:53,660
What are you supposed to make?
409
00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:56,180
- Beef Wellington.
- What... Beef Wellington?!
410
00:16:56,373 --> 00:16:57,868
- For tonight?
- Yeah, why?
411
00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,478
- Is that hard?
- Yes!
412
00:16:59,502 --> 00:17:03,021
If you're starting
at 2:00 p.m., very! Yes!
413
00:17:08,186 --> 00:17:09,955
Lois, have you seen
the pooping iPad?
414
00:17:09,979 --> 00:17:12,104
I can only go
while watching Tiger King.
415
00:17:12,257 --> 00:17:13,843
- Huh?
- The iPad we use only
416
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:16,592
while pooping and occasionally
on flights for Stewie.
417
00:17:16,652 --> 00:17:19,590
Ew, I play Elmo's ABCs on that.
418
00:17:19,614 --> 00:17:21,873
Is that why
I keep getting pink eye?
419
00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:24,094
I don't know where it is.
420
00:17:24,118 --> 00:17:25,545
But it's definitely not
in the shed.
421
00:17:25,569 --> 00:17:27,064
So don't even look
back there in the shed.
422
00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:29,025
What, you mean
the earwig fortress? No thanks.
423
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:30,456
I haven't been in there
424
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:31,861
since I won the Battle
of the Wheelbarrow.
425
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:33,217
Nyah-ha!
426
00:17:33,410 --> 00:17:36,220
Too fast and too smart
for you, earwigs.
427
00:17:37,673 --> 00:17:40,444
Now, to continue
clearing the yard...
428
00:17:40,468 --> 00:17:44,303
(monotone):
...collecting moisture
and sleeping in wood.
429
00:17:44,455 --> 00:17:46,042
Hey, Lois, what ever happened to
430
00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:47,710
- that Customer of the Week
thing?
- Th-the what?
431
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,328
The Customer of the Week
at the coffee shop.
432
00:17:49,352 --> 00:17:50,551
Did you ever win?
433
00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:52,197
Why? Why would you
bring that up?
434
00:17:52,221 --> 00:17:53,607
What are you, obsessed with it?
435
00:17:53,631 --> 00:17:55,217
Uh, you...
You had been talking about it...
436
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:56,960
Oh, so you can hear me
when I say that,
437
00:17:56,984 --> 00:17:58,929
but can't hear me
when I say "get off the couch."
438
00:17:58,953 --> 00:18:00,319
I like to be up by people.
439
00:18:00,455 --> 00:18:02,580
May I be excused to...
440
00:18:02,773 --> 00:18:06,375
(monotone):
bring this plate of moisture
to the crawl space?
441
00:18:08,329 --> 00:18:09,979
Yeah, for the record,
442
00:18:10,039 --> 00:18:11,183
I would rather
drink a sinus infection
443
00:18:11,207 --> 00:18:12,367
than win that stupid award.
444
00:18:12,408 --> 00:18:13,499
It's all rigged anyway.
445
00:18:15,044 --> 00:18:16,739
Did you know that Lester lived
in the same building as Lisa?
446
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:18,482
How is that fair, huh?
447
00:18:18,506 --> 00:18:21,006
God, what a boring thing
to bring up at dinner, Brian.
448
00:18:21,159 --> 00:18:22,842
I'm going to the sunroom,
449
00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:25,828
and that's where I'll be from
9:00 to 11:00 if anyone asks.
450
00:18:25,888 --> 00:18:27,421
No one come check on me.
451
00:18:28,833 --> 00:18:31,216
You guys want to play spin
the bottle for finger stuff?
452
00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,018
Crank this night up a notch?
453
00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:35,113
I'm in.
454
00:18:37,358 --> 00:18:38,761
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
455
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,763
In local news,
two roommates were found
456
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:42,714
bound and gagged in
their apartment this morning
457
00:18:42,738 --> 00:18:45,790
in what they're calling,
"The Cat-Sitter Tie-er Upper."
458
00:18:45,941 --> 00:18:48,367
Guys, we need to get better
name-comer-upper-withers.
459
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:51,087
♪
460
00:18:52,957 --> 00:18:55,374
(sirens wail faintly)
461
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,552
♪
462
00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:14,110
Okay.
463
00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:19,323
(indistinct radio chatter)
464
00:19:19,475 --> 00:19:20,566
Lois?
465
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:23,068
I'm just finishing the dishes.
466
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,221
I'm a good person, Joe.
467
00:19:25,323 --> 00:19:27,890
Sometimes good people
do bad things, Lois.
468
00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:29,392
You can finish the dishes.
469
00:19:29,493 --> 00:19:31,151
Then I gotta take you in.
470
00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:33,078
You can't take her away, Joe!
471
00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:34,747
(whispering)
472
00:19:34,899 --> 00:19:36,402
And you can put in
one load of laundry.
473
00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:38,009
Then I gotta take you in.
474
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,510
(whispering)
475
00:19:39,703 --> 00:19:41,904
After that, you can write
down the Wi-Fi log-in.
476
00:19:41,964 --> 00:19:43,848
Then I gotta take you in.
477
00:19:44,041 --> 00:19:45,090
(whispering)
478
00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:46,829
Where's the peanut butter?
479
00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:48,260
(whispering)
480
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:49,948
Well, Peter, I think
the main difference is
481
00:19:49,972 --> 00:19:51,414
Chinese people are from China
482
00:19:51,474 --> 00:19:53,582
and Japanese people
are from Japan.
483
00:19:53,684 --> 00:19:54,684
(whispering)
484
00:19:56,053 --> 00:19:58,533
Yes, that's probably why you
were banned from the restaurant.
485
00:20:04,195 --> 00:20:07,096
♪
486
00:20:07,156 --> 00:20:09,332
♪
487
00:20:27,343 --> 00:20:29,301
Good morning.
488
00:20:29,454 --> 00:20:31,620
Ah, what a charming place
this is.
489
00:20:31,681 --> 00:20:34,123
Oh, look, you do
a Customer of the Week.
490
00:20:34,183 --> 00:20:35,382
How cute.
491
00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:38,885
Now, I'll take
a Nitro Cold Brew.
492
00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:41,797
And with the morning I've had,
better make it a large.
493
00:20:41,857 --> 00:20:43,223
Hey, that's funny.
494
00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:45,076
Yeah, I know.
495
00:20:45,227 --> 00:20:47,119
There you go.
496
00:20:48,030 --> 00:20:50,639
And there you go.
497
00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:53,233
Well, you could have said
thank you.
498
00:20:53,294 --> 00:20:55,902
Don't see a lot of
five dollar bills in there.
499
00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:59,507
I must be a pretty good person
to give a five.
500
00:20:59,531 --> 00:21:01,531
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