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1
00:00:01,752 --> 00:00:04,504
ADULT SHELDON: I'm very much
a creature of habit.
2
00:00:04,504 --> 00:00:06,423
Perhaps it's a trait
I got from my father.
3
00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:09,635
Every night he would go through
the mail, and every night,
4
00:00:09,635 --> 00:00:12,304
like clockwork,
he would get very cranky.
5
00:00:12,304 --> 00:00:14,264
Damn bills.
George.
6
00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:18,310
ADULT SHELDON:
You'd think he'd get used to it,
7
00:00:18,310 --> 00:00:21,480
but night after night
it upset him all over again.
8
00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:23,982
Jury duty? Son of a...
9
00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,025
George.
10
00:00:26,193 --> 00:00:27,569
ADULT SHELDON:
It was complicated.
11
00:00:28,654 --> 00:00:30,948
I didn't like seeing him upset,
12
00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:33,534
but what can you do?
I love consistency.
13
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:36,495
IRS? This can't be good.
14
00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:37,579
Sure it can.
15
00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:39,665
When is the IRS ever good?
16
00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:41,500
Perhaps they're writing
to congratulate me
17
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,877
on filing such a beautiful
tax return.
18
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:46,922
What's it say?
Okay. Not so bad.
19
00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:48,674
We owe four dollars
and 22 cents.
20
00:00:48,674 --> 00:00:49,883
What?
21
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:50,884
That could've been worse.
22
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:51,885
Yeah, tell me about it.
23
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:52,970
Let me see that.
24
00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:55,013
I'm gonna wash up for dinner.
25
00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:57,683
You realize they're wrong.
My return was flawless.
26
00:00:57,683 --> 00:01:00,185
I-It's four dollars. Forget it.
27
00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:02,104
But they're saying
I made a mistake.
28
00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:06,024
You also got us a nice refund.
You did a great job.
29
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,442
ADULT SHELDON:
I appreciated my mother's love,
30
00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:09,361
but what a boy really craves
31
00:01:09,361 --> 00:01:12,572
is the unconditional approval
of a government agency.
32
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,868
♪ Nobody else
is stronger than I am ♪
33
00:01:16,868 --> 00:01:19,705
♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪
34
00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:22,291
♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪
35
00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:24,626
♪ I am a mighty little man ♪
36
00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:28,880
♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪
37
00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:33,302
♪ ♪
38
00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:38,974
Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mr. Falcon.
39
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,227
Wait, who is Mr. Falcon?
40
00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:43,562
No one.
41
00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:45,230
Then why'd he say it?
42
00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:47,482
Well, in the real version,
he said a bad word,
43
00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:49,568
but they had
to change it for TV.
44
00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:51,153
TV is so lame.
45
00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:52,779
What did he really say?
46
00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:57,784
That's so much better.
47
00:01:57,784 --> 00:02:00,245
This movie works
on a lot of levels.
48
00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:02,873
Dad, I reviewed the tax
return and I was right.
49
00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:04,958
They're the ones
who made the mistake.
50
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,294
Uh-- What are you doing?
51
00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:09,463
Writing a check to the IRS.
52
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,256
But we don't owe them anything.
53
00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:13,258
They're claiming
that I underreported our income,
54
00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:14,718
but I can prove
that they're wrong.
55
00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:16,053
It's not worth
picking a fight with them
56
00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:17,638
over a few bucks.
57
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,639
Just let me call them,
I can sort this out.
58
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:22,267
Just drop it, we don't want
to get on their radar.
59
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:23,894
But if you send that check,
it's like admitting
60
00:02:23,894 --> 00:02:25,937
I made a mistake when I didn't.
61
00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:29,316
Sheldon, sometimes being right
isn't the most important thing.
62
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,985
I'm glad you feel that way,
because, boy, are you wrong.
63
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,404
We're done talking about this.
64
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:40,535
ADULT SHELDON:
And there he goes, wrong again.
65
00:02:42,871 --> 00:02:45,582
I'll have the rib eye,
medium rare.
66
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:46,917
And for you?
67
00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:49,127
Uh, just the house salad,
please.
68
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:51,338
Very good.
69
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:52,881
House salad?
70
00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,383
You watching your figure?
71
00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:56,510
I have a physical tomorrow.
72
00:02:56,510 --> 00:02:59,638
Oh, so your plan
is to start eating healthy now?
73
00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:01,390
Can't hurt.
74
00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:04,810
It ain't gonna undo 70 years
of red meat and beer.
75
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,478
I'm not trying to undo it,
76
00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:08,480
I'm just trying to hide it
under some lettuce.
77
00:03:12,651 --> 00:03:14,319
Son of a Mitch.
78
00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,154
Melissa Cooper.
79
00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:17,739
What? I said "Mitch."
80
00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:19,658
There's nothing wrong with that.
81
00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:22,369
But you meant another word.
82
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:24,371
I'm sorry, what other word?
83
00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,914
Just watch it.
84
00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:28,166
Hold on. So you're saying
if I have a friend
85
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:29,584
whose dad's name is Mitch,
86
00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:31,503
I'm not allowed
to talk about him?
87
00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:32,963
I know what you're doing.
88
00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:35,841
Okay, I just feel bad
for my friend.
89
00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:38,260
That poor son of a Mitch.
90
00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:40,053
Melissa Cooper.
91
00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:44,015
How's that salad?
92
00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:47,060
It sucks. How's your steak?
93
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,687
You know how they overcook it
sometimes
94
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,021
so it's a little bit dry?
95
00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:51,148
Uh-huh.
96
00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:53,191
Not this time. It's so good.
97
00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:55,360
You know what else is good?
98
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,779
This radish.
99
00:03:57,779 --> 00:03:59,531
Would you like some steak?
Yes.
100
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,366
Then you probably
should've ordered some.
101
00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:02,534
It's delicious.
102
00:04:02,534 --> 00:04:05,203
You are not a very nice lady.
103
00:04:05,203 --> 00:04:06,746
(softly):
Mmm.
104
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:14,171
MALE VOICE:
Psst. Hey-a, kid.
105
00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:16,339
(grunts)
Who is it?
106
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:19,551
It's me.
The envelope with the IRS check.
107
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,971
What do you want?
108
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:24,723
You can't let
him send me.
109
00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:26,141
You didn't make a mistake.
110
00:04:26,141 --> 00:04:28,226
Oh, I know that,
but it's too late.
111
00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:31,229
It's not.
The check isn't due for 30 days.
112
00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:32,856
So?
113
00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,649
Just go in the kitchen
and take me off the pile.
114
00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:37,736
Buy yourself some time
to straighten this out.
115
00:04:37,736 --> 00:04:40,906
But tampering with the mail
is a federal offense.
116
00:04:40,906 --> 00:04:43,658
I'm not mail yet.
I'm not in the mailbox.
117
00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:45,619
That's the law.
118
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:48,288
But what if my dad
notices you're missing?
119
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:51,291
Do it after he leaves
for work. He'll never know.
120
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:53,084
That's brilliant.
121
00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:56,588
I'm not real, so technically,
you thought of it.
122
00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:58,632
That makes more sense.
123
00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:01,593
ADULT SHELDON:
The next morning,
I patiently waited
124
00:05:01,593 --> 00:05:04,095
for my father to leave for work.
125
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,265
♪ ♪
126
00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:08,350
Are you leaving for work?
127
00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:10,685
Yeah?
128
00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,145
See you. Bye.
129
00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,650
Bye.
130
00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:28,828
ADULT SHELDON:
I leapt into action.
131
00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:30,872
My heart was pounding.
132
00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:34,084
I don't know what kind
of bladder control
133
00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,835
professional spies have,
134
00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:37,546
but this first-timer
needed to pee pronto.
135
00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:45,428
ADULT SHELDON: Now that I had
prevented my dad from saying
136
00:05:45,428 --> 00:05:47,347
I made a mistake, it was time to
get the IRS to admit theirs.
137
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:48,723
IRS, Agent Green speaking.
138
00:05:49,220 --> 00:05:51,260
Hello, my name
is Sheldon Cooper.
139
00:05:51,260 --> 00:05:53,310
Forgive me for cutting
right to the chase,
140
00:05:53,310 --> 00:05:55,560
but I'm outside
and my skin is incredibly fair.
141
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:57,850
Okay, how can I help you?
142
00:05:57,850 --> 00:05:59,810
You sent my family a bill
saying we owe
143
00:05:59,810 --> 00:06:02,270
an additional four dollars and
22 cents, but you're mistaken.
144
00:06:02,270 --> 00:06:04,070
I filed a flawless return.
145
00:06:04,070 --> 00:06:06,400
I'm sorry, how old are you?
146
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,450
That seems irrelevant,
but I'm 11.
147
00:06:08,450 --> 00:06:11,030
Your parents let an 11-year-old
file their federal tax return?
148
00:06:11,030 --> 00:06:13,910
This year. Two years ago,
they let a nine-year-old do it.
149
00:06:13,910 --> 00:06:16,870
Look, these tax codes
are complicated.
150
00:06:16,870 --> 00:06:18,540
If you only made
151
00:06:18,540 --> 00:06:21,000
a four dollar mistake,
that's pretty impressive.
152
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:23,210
I didn't make a mistake at all.
You did.
153
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,840
Is that so?
Yes.
154
00:06:26,840 --> 00:06:29,880
But don't feel bad,
these tax codes are complicated.
155
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:31,260
Uh-huh.
156
00:06:33,300 --> 00:06:36,350
Okay, I've got your file
right here, and, uh,
157
00:06:36,350 --> 00:06:39,350
looks like you underreported
your income.
158
00:06:39,350 --> 00:06:41,270
Actually, if you check
under charitable donations,
159
00:06:41,270 --> 00:06:43,360
you'll notice
that the money we made
160
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,270
at the garage sale
did not count as taxable income
161
00:06:45,270 --> 00:06:47,190
because we donated it
to the church.
162
00:06:47,190 --> 00:06:51,360
Well, I'll, uh,
I'll have a look into that.
163
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:52,910
In the future,
you might consider doing that
164
00:06:52,910 --> 00:06:54,580
before you send out the letter.
165
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:56,410
So how does this work?
166
00:06:56,410 --> 00:06:58,790
Do you apologize now,
do I get it in writing?
167
00:07:00,250 --> 00:07:01,580
It's no big deal.
168
00:07:01,580 --> 00:07:03,040
It's a colonoscopy.
169
00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:04,750
So?
So,
170
00:07:04,750 --> 00:07:06,920
one of those words means
"colon," and the other means
171
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:09,260
"shoving a camera up it."
172
00:07:09,260 --> 00:07:11,510
Mm. I'm surprised you need one.
173
00:07:11,510 --> 00:07:13,550
Did you tell him
about the salad?
174
00:07:13,550 --> 00:07:14,890
It's not funny.
175
00:07:14,890 --> 00:07:16,760
Stop being such a baby.
176
00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:20,560
Something I have pushed out
of my body. You can do this.
177
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,810
Wait, wait, I got an idea.
178
00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:24,730
Why don't we do it together?
179
00:07:24,730 --> 00:07:26,150
What?
180
00:07:26,150 --> 00:07:27,730
No.
Come on.
181
00:07:27,730 --> 00:07:29,320
It'll be romantic.
182
00:07:30,530 --> 00:07:32,240
You're weird.
183
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:33,740
MAN (over TV): Hey, kids.
GEORGE SR.:
What the hell?
184
00:07:33,740 --> 00:07:35,580
Why are we getting audited?
185
00:07:35,580 --> 00:07:37,990
What? Are you sure
it doesn't say "applauded"?
186
00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:39,540
Perhaps for a job well done?
187
00:07:39,540 --> 00:07:40,790
We're being audited
for the last three years
188
00:07:40,790 --> 00:07:42,120
of our tax returns.
189
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:43,750
I don't get it.
190
00:07:43,750 --> 00:07:45,790
I mailed in that check
a week ago.
191
00:07:45,790 --> 00:07:48,170
About that. I can explain.
192
00:07:48,170 --> 00:07:49,960
Sheldon?
I just needed some time
193
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,840
to prove there were
no errors in my work.
194
00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:52,930
What did you do?
195
00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:54,340
I took the check
196
00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:56,300
before Mom mailed it.
What?
197
00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:58,140
But I called the IRS
and sorted things out.
198
00:07:58,140 --> 00:07:59,680
Clearly you didn't.
199
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,310
I told you to let it go.
200
00:08:01,310 --> 00:08:03,310
I'm sorry.
201
00:08:03,310 --> 00:08:05,270
This could end up
costing us a fortune.
202
00:08:05,270 --> 00:08:07,190
I can fix it.
No.
203
00:08:07,190 --> 00:08:09,110
I'm gonna hire an accountant
and have him handle it right.
204
00:08:09,110 --> 00:08:11,650
But I want to help.
You've helped enough.
205
00:08:11,650 --> 00:08:13,280
Go to your room.
206
00:08:14,780 --> 00:08:15,990
Yes, sir.
207
00:08:22,870 --> 00:08:24,750
(groans)
(laughs)
208
00:08:24,750 --> 00:08:28,790
I feel bad beating you like this
after you bought me drinks.
209
00:08:28,790 --> 00:08:31,300
Okay, I tell you what. You want
to make it more interesting?
210
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:32,760
Sure.
Okay, how about this?
211
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:35,970
If I win, you get
a colonoscopy with me.
212
00:08:35,970 --> 00:08:37,850
God, are you still on this?
213
00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:39,140
Come on, why not?
214
00:08:39,140 --> 00:08:41,270
'Cause I don't wanna.
215
00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:43,140
Well, I don't wanna, either,
but my doctor said I got to.
216
00:08:43,140 --> 00:08:45,650
Well, my doctor
didn't say nothing.
217
00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:46,810
When was the last time
you saw him?
218
00:08:46,810 --> 00:08:48,860
I don't know, it's been a while.
219
00:08:48,860 --> 00:08:50,940
Yeah, well, like,
"six months" a while,
220
00:08:50,940 --> 00:08:53,360
"Watergate" a while?
Drop it.
221
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:56,990
Uh, last time you saw him,
were they using leeches?
222
00:08:56,990 --> 00:08:58,700
I'm about to take this pool cue
223
00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:01,290
and beat your doctor
to the punch.
224
00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:03,000
Oh. That long, huh?
225
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,750
Look, all I'm saying
is you could use a checkup.
226
00:09:05,750 --> 00:09:08,000
I feel fine.
Okay.
227
00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,380
At your age, there's nothing
wrong with going in...
228
00:09:10,380 --> 00:09:11,710
I'm not going to the doctor,
229
00:09:11,710 --> 00:09:13,590
so just...
230
00:09:13,590 --> 00:09:16,010
mind your own business.
231
00:09:16,010 --> 00:09:18,050
♪ The Texas honky-tonk blues. ♪
232
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,020
Why didn't you eat with us?
233
00:09:25,020 --> 00:09:27,690
I'm not hungry. Dad's mad at me.
234
00:09:27,690 --> 00:09:29,230
Mom's not thrilled
with me, either.
235
00:09:29,230 --> 00:09:30,190
Why?
236
00:09:30,190 --> 00:09:32,020
Mom made chicken,
237
00:09:32,020 --> 00:09:33,940
and I said chickens cluck a lot,
238
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:35,730
so they should be called
"cluckers."
239
00:09:35,730 --> 00:09:37,700
And some chickens
are moms,
240
00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:39,240
so you could
call them "mother..."
241
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:40,240
I don't care.
242
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:41,870
Mom sure did.
243
00:09:41,870 --> 00:09:43,370
What did you do wrong?
244
00:09:43,370 --> 00:09:45,450
I got Dad in trouble
with the IRS.
245
00:09:45,450 --> 00:09:47,160
He has to hire an accountant,
246
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:48,910
which could cost us
a lot of money.
247
00:09:48,910 --> 00:09:51,790
Dang, makes me not want
to have kids.
248
00:09:55,210 --> 00:09:56,630
Hello.
249
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:58,420
Well, hey.
250
00:09:58,420 --> 00:09:59,880
Well, you missed it.
251
00:09:59,880 --> 00:10:01,890
Some old broad went
nuts over there
252
00:10:01,890 --> 00:10:04,260
and threw her pool
cue on the table.
253
00:10:04,260 --> 00:10:06,100
She's crazy.
Mm.
254
00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:07,640
Sorry.
255
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,100
Well, you're not a
fan of doctors, huh?
256
00:10:10,100 --> 00:10:12,230
They never have
good news.
257
00:10:12,230 --> 00:10:15,400
They just want
to find something wrong.
258
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:17,400
It's kind of their job.
259
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:19,400
If something's wrong
with me,
260
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,410
I don't want
to know about it.
261
00:10:21,410 --> 00:10:22,740
That's dumb.
262
00:10:22,740 --> 00:10:24,330
No, it's not.
263
00:10:24,330 --> 00:10:26,450
If I'm gonna drop dead,
I'd rather do it quick
264
00:10:26,450 --> 00:10:28,790
and leave lookin' good.
265
00:10:28,790 --> 00:10:30,500
I want to live so long
266
00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:32,880
I start looking like
a mummy. (chuckles)
267
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,420
You're off
to a strong start.
268
00:10:34,420 --> 00:10:36,170
Hey.
(chuckles)
269
00:10:36,170 --> 00:10:39,170
My husband went
to the doctor.
270
00:10:39,170 --> 00:10:41,300
And they found something.
271
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:43,220
Two days later,
he was in surgery.
272
00:10:43,220 --> 00:10:44,970
Nine months later,
he was dead.
273
00:10:46,140 --> 00:10:47,350
Geez.
274
00:10:49,020 --> 00:10:51,060
I don't want that.
275
00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:54,480
And I, I don't want
276
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:57,190
to put anybody else
through that.
277
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:58,610
I'm sorry.
278
00:10:58,610 --> 00:10:59,990
Mm.
279
00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,450
I hope you stick
around long enough
280
00:11:03,450 --> 00:11:04,950
to start looking
like a mummy, too.
281
00:11:04,950 --> 00:11:06,120
(chuckles)
282
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:07,790
I always pictured myself
283
00:11:07,790 --> 00:11:10,000
more the Bride
of Frankenstein type.
284
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,370
Well, you got
the hair for it.
285
00:11:17,130 --> 00:11:18,800
So how's it look?
286
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,710
Do I owe a lot of money?
I don't have a lot of money.
287
00:11:20,710 --> 00:11:22,470
Mm-hmm, I can see that.
288
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:24,970
Who did these?
289
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:27,470
Why?
290
00:11:27,470 --> 00:11:28,850
Is it that bad?
291
00:11:28,850 --> 00:11:30,220
They're impeccable.
292
00:11:30,220 --> 00:11:31,810
Oh...
293
00:11:31,810 --> 00:11:33,390
Actually, it was my son.
294
00:11:33,390 --> 00:11:35,310
Well, why don't you just
use him for the audit?
295
00:11:36,310 --> 00:11:37,360
He's 11.
296
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:39,900
An 11-year-old did these?
297
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,490
Actually, he might've been
nine at the time.
298
00:11:41,490 --> 00:11:43,400
I'm not good with birthdays.
299
00:11:47,570 --> 00:11:49,240
Hey.
300
00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:51,160
Hello.
301
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:52,620
Playing with your trains?
302
00:11:52,620 --> 00:11:54,120
I'm punishing myself by
looking at them,
303
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,080
but not allowing myself
to run them.
304
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:57,920
You don't have
to punish yourself.
305
00:11:57,920 --> 00:11:59,880
Because you'd rather do it?
That's fair.
306
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,090
No.
307
00:12:02,090 --> 00:12:03,760
It's okay. I deserve it.
308
00:12:05,550 --> 00:12:07,340
Actually...
309
00:12:07,340 --> 00:12:09,850
I want you to represent us
at the audit.
310
00:12:09,850 --> 00:12:11,600
But I messed everything up.
311
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:13,230
You did.
312
00:12:13,230 --> 00:12:14,810
But I also know
if anyone's smart enough
313
00:12:14,810 --> 00:12:16,900
to get us out of this, you are.
314
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,400
Why'd you change your mind?
315
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:22,860
No reason.
316
00:12:22,860 --> 00:12:24,780
What did the accountant say?
317
00:12:24,780 --> 00:12:26,410
Nothing.
318
00:12:26,410 --> 00:12:28,240
They said my returns were
perfect, didn't they?
319
00:12:29,450 --> 00:12:31,540
Play with your trains.
320
00:12:37,250 --> 00:12:39,290
Why are you readin' the Bible?
321
00:12:39,290 --> 00:12:40,880
I felt bad about last night,
322
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:42,880
so I thought
it might be good for me.
323
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,260
Where are you going with this?
324
00:12:45,260 --> 00:12:47,300
Nowhere, I just want
to make you happy.
325
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,220
Uh-huh.
326
00:12:49,220 --> 00:12:50,720
"And the man increased
327
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,060
"exceedingly,
and had much cattle,
328
00:12:53,060 --> 00:12:54,980
"and maidservants,
and menservants,
329
00:12:54,980 --> 00:12:58,230
and camels, and asses."
Okay. Stop.
330
00:12:58,230 --> 00:13:00,480
What? I'm just reading
from Genesis.
331
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:02,900
Well, cut it out.
Fine.
332
00:13:02,900 --> 00:13:04,570
Let's try Exodus.
333
00:13:04,570 --> 00:13:05,900
"And on the seventh
334
00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:07,820
"day thou shalt rest:
335
00:13:07,820 --> 00:13:10,990
that thine ox
and thine ass may rest."
336
00:13:10,990 --> 00:13:12,660
That is it, you are grounded.
337
00:13:12,660 --> 00:13:14,290
For reading the Bible?
338
00:13:14,290 --> 00:13:16,290
The way you are doing it, yes.
Go to your room.
339
00:13:16,290 --> 00:13:17,790
Okay.
340
00:13:17,790 --> 00:13:19,370
I don't have a donkey.
341
00:13:19,370 --> 00:13:21,250
But if I did,
I'd take my ass out of here.
342
00:13:21,250 --> 00:13:23,170
GEORGE SR.:
Hello.
343
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:25,920
I'm George Cooper.
This is my son Sheldon.
344
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:27,420
Yes, we spoke on the phone.
345
00:13:27,420 --> 00:13:29,300
You look exactly like you sound.
346
00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:30,840
Not everybody does.
347
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,470
Should we get started?
Yes.
348
00:13:35,470 --> 00:13:37,100
ADULT SHELDON:
I realize some people
349
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:39,440
may find the ins and outs
of tax law
350
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:43,270
a little tedious, so allow me
to spice this story up.
351
00:13:43,270 --> 00:13:45,940
Instead of an audit,
imagine this is a showdown
352
00:13:45,940 --> 00:13:48,950
between two warriors
in the most brutal
353
00:13:48,950 --> 00:13:51,370
and exciting form
of combat there is...
354
00:13:51,370 --> 00:13:53,200
chess.
355
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,990
♪ ♪
356
00:13:54,990 --> 00:13:57,120
Am I the only one
who just got chills?
357
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,460
Let's start with the
business deductions
358
00:13:59,460 --> 00:14:02,000
from Schedule A on the
tax return dated
359
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,840
1989.
360
00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,090
ADULT SHELDON:
I know, bold opening move.
361
00:14:06,090 --> 00:14:08,130
Don't worry, I came to play.
362
00:14:08,130 --> 00:14:09,590
Happy to.
363
00:14:09,590 --> 00:14:11,260
I've got those receipts
right here.
364
00:14:11,260 --> 00:14:12,970
Dated, highlighted...
365
00:14:12,970 --> 00:14:14,430
and itemized.
366
00:14:15,970 --> 00:14:17,310
ADULT SHELDON:
Told you.
367
00:14:17,310 --> 00:14:19,520
♪ ♪
368
00:14:20,730 --> 00:14:23,690
For the next three hours,
we battled it out.
369
00:14:23,690 --> 00:14:25,190
Two mighty brains
370
00:14:25,190 --> 00:14:28,320
locked in mortal tax code
combat.
371
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:29,900
♪ ♪
372
00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:32,360
Justify this expense.
373
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:35,830
Our AGI was less than 50,000.
374
00:14:35,830 --> 00:14:38,250
Improper classification.
375
00:14:38,250 --> 00:14:40,210
Rolled over
from the previous fiscal year.
376
00:14:41,830 --> 00:14:44,670
The receipt has
barbecue sauce on it.
377
00:14:44,670 --> 00:14:46,670
Dad.
Sorry.
378
00:14:50,050 --> 00:14:51,720
So you are
379
00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:53,840
remarkably well-versed
in the tax code.
380
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:55,180
Thank you.
It's nice of you
381
00:14:55,180 --> 00:14:56,310
to do your parents' returns
382
00:14:56,310 --> 00:14:57,430
for free every year.
383
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,020
Oh, I don't do it for free.
384
00:14:59,020 --> 00:15:01,600
My dad buys me
a model train afterwards.
385
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,480
Interesting.
386
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,360
So you accept payment
387
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,570
even though you're not
a licensed tax professional?
388
00:15:07,570 --> 00:15:09,530
♪ ♪
389
00:15:10,780 --> 00:15:12,950
In clear violation
of federal law.
390
00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:16,700
Check.
391
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:19,870
ADULT SHELDON: I had walked
right into his trap.
392
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:23,290
Excuse me, I need
to use the restroom.
393
00:15:24,580 --> 00:15:26,080
(chuckles softly)
394
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:31,050
So, catch that
Cowboys game last...
395
00:15:31,050 --> 00:15:33,220
No.
Yeah.
396
00:15:33,220 --> 00:15:36,050
(phone rings)
397
00:15:36,050 --> 00:15:37,300
Ballard's.
398
00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:40,060
Hello.
Hey, what's up?
399
00:15:40,060 --> 00:15:42,270
You'll be happy to know
I went out and got a checkup.
400
00:15:42,270 --> 00:15:44,140
Fantastic.
401
00:15:44,140 --> 00:15:45,770
Yeah, great, just great.
402
00:15:45,770 --> 00:15:47,770
And now you can
shut up about it.
403
00:15:47,770 --> 00:15:49,110
Well, how'd it go?
404
00:15:49,110 --> 00:15:50,570
Good news, bad news.
405
00:15:50,570 --> 00:15:53,070
Uh-oh.
Good news is I'm fine.
406
00:15:53,070 --> 00:15:55,570
Well, now, isn't that
comforting to know?
407
00:15:55,570 --> 00:15:57,070
Don't be smug.
408
00:15:57,070 --> 00:15:58,280
So what's the bad news?
409
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:01,450
He wants me to have
a colonoscopy.
410
00:16:01,450 --> 00:16:02,870
Great!
411
00:16:02,870 --> 00:16:04,410
Oh, my gosh,
we can do it together!
412
00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:07,330
Can't you just feel the romance?
413
00:16:07,330 --> 00:16:09,340
No, you weirdo.
414
00:16:09,340 --> 00:16:10,590
(chuckles)
415
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,970
There you are.
416
00:16:14,970 --> 00:16:16,590
Hey, we're waiting on you.
417
00:16:16,590 --> 00:16:18,970
I want to go home.
418
00:16:18,970 --> 00:16:20,430
What are you talking about?
419
00:16:20,430 --> 00:16:21,930
We're not done yet.
420
00:16:21,930 --> 00:16:23,310
Yes, we are.
421
00:16:23,310 --> 00:16:24,690
I made a mistake
that's gonna cost us
422
00:16:24,690 --> 00:16:26,980
a lot of money
that we don't have.
423
00:16:26,980 --> 00:16:28,520
I feel so stupid.
424
00:16:31,610 --> 00:16:32,900
Hey.
425
00:16:33,990 --> 00:16:35,530
It's okay to feel stupid.
426
00:16:35,530 --> 00:16:37,280
No, it's not.
427
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,660
It just means you're growing.
428
00:16:39,660 --> 00:16:41,870
If you don't look back
and think you were dumb,
429
00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:44,120
then you, then you haven't
learned anything.
430
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:46,120
So what do we do?
431
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:47,460
We get back in there.
432
00:16:47,460 --> 00:16:48,670
What if we lose?
433
00:16:48,670 --> 00:16:50,420
Doesn't matter-- win or lose,
434
00:16:50,420 --> 00:16:52,420
we don't give up, all right?
435
00:16:52,420 --> 00:16:53,800
Now let's get
in there and show 'em
436
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:55,720
what we're made of--
what do you say?
437
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,180
I've heard you give that exact
same pep talk at football games.
438
00:16:58,180 --> 00:16:59,800
Well, I didn't have
a special one prepared.
439
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:01,300
That's all right.
440
00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:02,850
I feel properly pepped.
441
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,230
So...
442
00:17:11,230 --> 00:17:12,820
where were we?
443
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:16,860
Check.
444
00:17:18,820 --> 00:17:20,660
It's true.
445
00:17:20,660 --> 00:17:22,490
I made a mistake.
446
00:17:22,490 --> 00:17:24,700
But my dad taught me
that's okay.
447
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:28,710
Wait.
448
00:17:28,710 --> 00:17:30,540
My dad's a teacher.
449
00:17:30,540 --> 00:17:33,880
Which means, my doing our taxes
wasn't work for-hire,
450
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:36,720
but an economics lesson
he was teaching me.
451
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,180
♪ ♪
452
00:17:39,180 --> 00:17:42,180
Therefore, the train
he bought me wasn't payment
453
00:17:42,180 --> 00:17:44,430
for unlicensed work,
it was a reward
454
00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,390
for successfully
completing my lesson.
455
00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:52,270
So it does not violate
the statute,
456
00:17:52,270 --> 00:17:54,820
and since the value of the train
is less than $10,000,
457
00:17:54,820 --> 00:17:56,690
there's no additional gift tax.
458
00:17:57,860 --> 00:17:59,740
Checkmate.
459
00:18:02,450 --> 00:18:04,580
(sighs)
460
00:18:07,540 --> 00:18:08,870
(applause)
461
00:18:10,370 --> 00:18:12,130
Well, I guess that wraps it up.
462
00:18:13,420 --> 00:18:15,210
Is it over? What happened?
463
00:18:15,210 --> 00:18:16,340
We won.
464
00:18:16,340 --> 00:18:18,260
Wait, we don't owe anything?
465
00:18:18,260 --> 00:18:19,760
No, your returns are
all in order.
466
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:21,260
Well done.
467
00:18:21,260 --> 00:18:22,640
Thank you.
468
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,050
Your son's
extremely intelligent.
469
00:18:24,050 --> 00:18:26,180
Yep.
I hope you audit us next year,
470
00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:27,720
so I can run circles
around you again.
471
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,430
Until he says something stupid.
Let's go.
472
00:18:37,730 --> 00:18:40,070
(gags)
(grunts)
473
00:18:40,070 --> 00:18:41,700
I can't believe
we have to drink
474
00:18:41,700 --> 00:18:43,740
so much of that garbage.
(sighs)
475
00:18:43,740 --> 00:18:46,740
Well, the important thing is,
we get to do it together, dear.
476
00:18:46,740 --> 00:18:49,160
You are so full of crap.
477
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:53,330
Well, not for much longer.
478
00:18:53,330 --> 00:18:55,750
Excuse me, the
festivities have begun.
479
00:18:55,750 --> 00:18:57,800
You're taking
that whole thing with you?
480
00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,800
I'm gonna be a while.
33007
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