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1
00:00:00,599 --> 00:00:02,898
ADULT SHELDON: I'm very much
a creature of habit.
2
00:00:02,953 --> 00:00:05,243
Perhaps it's a trait
I got from my father.
3
00:00:05,328 --> 00:00:07,592
Every night he would go
through the mail,
4
00:00:07,677 --> 00:00:09,561
and every night,
like clockwork,
5
00:00:09,646 --> 00:00:11,288
he would get
very cranky.
6
00:00:11,373 --> 00:00:13,482
- Damn bills.
- George.
7
00:00:14,373 --> 00:00:16,740
ADULT SHELDON:
You'd think he'd get used to it,
8
00:00:17,232 --> 00:00:20,959
but night after night
it upset him all over again.
9
00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:23,115
Jury duty?
Son of a...
10
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:24,389
George.
11
00:00:24,971 --> 00:00:26,944
ADULT SHELDON:
It was complicated.
12
00:00:27,698 --> 00:00:29,756
I didn't like
seeing him upset,
13
00:00:29,841 --> 00:00:32,452
but what can you do?
I love consistency.
14
00:00:32,545 --> 00:00:35,337
IRS?
This can't be good.
15
00:00:35,421 --> 00:00:36,710
Sure it can.
16
00:00:36,795 --> 00:00:38,584
When is the IRS
ever good?
17
00:00:38,764 --> 00:00:40,710
Perhaps they're writing
to congratulate me
18
00:00:40,803 --> 00:00:42,748
on filing such a beautiful
tax return.
19
00:00:43,162 --> 00:00:45,650
- What's it say?
- Okay. Not so bad.
20
00:00:45,735 --> 00:00:47,874
We owe four dollars
and 22 cents.
21
00:00:47,959 --> 00:00:48,828
What?
22
00:00:48,912 --> 00:00:51,001
- That could've been worse.
- Yeah, tell me about it.
23
00:00:51,086 --> 00:00:52,265
Let me see that.
24
00:00:52,350 --> 00:00:54,046
I'm gonna wash up
for dinner.
25
00:00:54,131 --> 00:00:56,976
You realize they're wrong.
My return was flawless.
26
00:00:57,061 --> 00:00:59,320
I-It's four dollars.
Forget it.
27
00:00:59,405 --> 00:01:01,077
But they're saying
I made a mistake.
28
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:04,584
You also got us a nice refund.
You did a great job.
29
00:01:04,669 --> 00:01:06,608
ADULT SHELDON:
I appreciated my mother's love,
30
00:01:06,693 --> 00:01:08,178
but what a boy
really craves
31
00:01:08,263 --> 00:01:11,724
is the unconditional approval
of a government agency.
32
00:01:12,761 --> 00:01:15,952
♪ Nobody else
is stronger than I am ♪
33
00:01:16,037 --> 00:01:18,662
♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain
34
00:01:18,747 --> 00:01:21,327
♪ I bet I could be your hero
35
00:01:21,412 --> 00:01:24,724
♪ I am a mighty little man
36
00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:27,888
♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪
*YOUNG SHELDON*
37
00:01:27,972 --> 00:01:29,972
*YOUNG SHELDON*
Season 04 Episode 14
38
00:01:30,056 --> 00:01:31,892
Episode Title: "Mitch's Son and the Unconditional Approval of a Government Agency"
39
00:01:32,069 --> 00:01:34,294
[♪]
40
00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:38,662
Yippee-Ki-Yay, Mr. Falcon.
41
00:01:39,553 --> 00:01:41,689
Wait, who is Mr. Falcon?
42
00:01:41,773 --> 00:01:42,857
No one.
43
00:01:42,942 --> 00:01:44,294
Then why'd he say it?
44
00:01:44,428 --> 00:01:46,615
Well, in the real version,
he said a bad word,
45
00:01:46,700 --> 00:01:48,706
but they had
to change it for TV.
46
00:01:48,791 --> 00:01:50,360
TV is so lame.
47
00:01:50,581 --> 00:01:52,235
What did he really say?
48
00:01:55,036 --> 00:01:56,662
That's so much better.
49
00:01:56,924 --> 00:01:59,190
This movie works
on a lot of levels.
50
00:01:59,283 --> 00:02:01,927
Dad, I reviewed the tax
return and I was right.
51
00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:04,431
They're the ones
who made the mistake.
52
00:02:05,091 --> 00:02:06,505
Uh... What are you doing?
53
00:02:06,684 --> 00:02:08,733
Writing a check to the IRS.
54
00:02:08,927 --> 00:02:10,467
But we don't owe them anything.
55
00:02:10,584 --> 00:02:12,334
They're claiming
that I underreported our income,
56
00:02:12,418 --> 00:02:13,772
but I can prove
that they're wrong.
57
00:02:13,856 --> 00:02:15,253
It's not worth
picking a fight with them
58
00:02:15,337 --> 00:02:16,474
over a few bucks.
59
00:02:16,559 --> 00:02:18,346
Just let me call them,
I can sort this out.
60
00:02:18,431 --> 00:02:21,216
Just drop it, we don't want
to get on their radar.
61
00:02:21,301 --> 00:02:23,092
But if you send that check,
it's like admitting
62
00:02:23,176 --> 00:02:24,732
I made a mistake
when I didn't.
63
00:02:24,825 --> 00:02:28,310
Sheldon, sometimes being right
isn't the most important thing.
64
00:02:28,559 --> 00:02:31,677
I'm glad you feel that way,
because, boy, are you wrong.
65
00:02:31,856 --> 00:02:33,747
We're done talking
about this.
66
00:02:36,397 --> 00:02:39,443
ADULT SHELDON: And
there he goes, wrong again.
67
00:02:41,838 --> 00:02:44,763
I'll have the rib eye,
medium rare.
68
00:02:44,848 --> 00:02:45,939
And for you?
69
00:02:46,024 --> 00:02:48,232
Uh, just the house salad,
please.
70
00:02:48,466 --> 00:02:50,130
Very good.
71
00:02:50,368 --> 00:02:51,833
House salad?
72
00:02:52,019 --> 00:02:53,349
You watching your figure?
73
00:02:53,434 --> 00:02:55,037
I have a physical tomorrow.
74
00:02:55,122 --> 00:02:58,919
Oh, so your plan
is to start eating healthy now?
75
00:02:59,155 --> 00:03:00,451
Can't hurt.
76
00:03:00,536 --> 00:03:03,978
It ain't gonna undo 70 years
of red meat and beer.
77
00:03:04,106 --> 00:03:05,365
I'm not trying
to undo it,
78
00:03:05,450 --> 00:03:08,005
I'm just trying to hide it
under some lettuce.
79
00:03:12,128 --> 00:03:13,599
Son of a Mitch.
80
00:03:13,684 --> 00:03:15,162
Melissa Cooper.
81
00:03:15,247 --> 00:03:16,872
What?
I said "Mitch."
82
00:03:16,957 --> 00:03:18,458
There's nothing wrong
with that.
83
00:03:18,543 --> 00:03:21,029
But you meant
another word.
84
00:03:21,114 --> 00:03:23,032
I'm sorry,
what other word?
85
00:03:23,565 --> 00:03:24,831
Just watch it.
86
00:03:24,916 --> 00:03:27,312
Hold on. So you're saying
if I have a friend
87
00:03:27,397 --> 00:03:28,396
whose dad's name is Mitch,
88
00:03:28,481 --> 00:03:30,208
I'm not allowed
to talk about him?
89
00:03:30,659 --> 00:03:32,146
I know what you're doing.
90
00:03:32,318 --> 00:03:35,194
Okay, I just feel bad
for my friend.
91
00:03:35,278 --> 00:03:37,761
That poor son of a Mitch.
92
00:03:37,845 --> 00:03:39,673
Melissa Cooper.
93
00:03:41,830 --> 00:03:43,115
How's that salad?
94
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:46,163
It sucks.
How's your steak?
95
00:03:46,275 --> 00:03:47,880
You know how they overcook it
sometimes
96
00:03:47,965 --> 00:03:49,607
- so it's a little bit dry?
- Uh-huh.
97
00:03:49,692 --> 00:03:51,871
Not this time.
T's so good.
98
00:03:52,538 --> 00:03:54,587
You know
what else is good?
99
00:03:55,122 --> 00:03:56,607
This radish.
100
00:03:56,793 --> 00:03:58,568
- Would you like some steak?
- Yes.
101
00:03:58,653 --> 00:04:00,365
Then you probably
should've ordered some.
102
00:04:00,450 --> 00:04:01,740
It's delicious.
103
00:04:01,870 --> 00:04:04,146
You are not
a very nice lady.
104
00:04:04,713 --> 00:04:06,208
[softly]:
Mmm.
105
00:04:10,227 --> 00:04:12,904
MALE VOICE:
Psst. Hey-a, kid.
106
00:04:13,226 --> 00:04:15,396
[grunts]
Who is it?
107
00:04:15,488 --> 00:04:19,014
It's me.
The envelope with the IRS check.
108
00:04:20,845 --> 00:04:22,013
What do you want?
109
00:04:22,347 --> 00:04:23,833
You can't let him
send me.
110
00:04:23,918 --> 00:04:25,139
You didn't make a mistake.
111
00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:27,186
Oh, I know that,
but it's too late.
112
00:04:27,271 --> 00:04:30,529
It's not.
The check isn't due for 30 days.
113
00:04:30,661 --> 00:04:31,662
So?
114
00:04:31,747 --> 00:04:33,860
Just go in the kitchen
and take me off the pile.
115
00:04:33,945 --> 00:04:37,079
Buy yourself some time
to straighten this out.
116
00:04:37,212 --> 00:04:39,712
But tampering with the mail
is a federal offense.
117
00:04:39,805 --> 00:04:43,024
I'm not mail yet.
I'm not in the mailbox.
118
00:04:43,170 --> 00:04:44,688
That's the law.
119
00:04:45,082 --> 00:04:47,099
But what if my dad
notices you're missing?
120
00:04:47,184 --> 00:04:50,321
Do it after he leaves for work.
He'll never know.
121
00:04:50,577 --> 00:04:52,103
That's brilliant.
122
00:04:52,195 --> 00:04:55,727
I'm not real,
so technically, you thought of it.
123
00:04:56,097 --> 00:04:57,745
That makes more sense.
124
00:04:58,947 --> 00:05:00,956
ADULT SHELDON:
The next morning, I patiently waited
125
00:05:01,041 --> 00:05:02,822
for my father
to leave for work.
126
00:05:04,998 --> 00:05:06,176
[♪]
127
00:05:06,261 --> 00:05:08,096
Are you leaving for work?
128
00:05:08,816 --> 00:05:09,863
Yeah?
129
00:05:09,994 --> 00:05:11,487
See you. Bye.
130
00:05:14,451 --> 00:05:15,737
Bye.
131
00:05:26,709 --> 00:05:28,149
ADULT SHELDON:
I leapt into action.
132
00:05:28,234 --> 00:05:30,440
My heart was pounding.
133
00:05:31,837 --> 00:05:33,542
I don't know what kind
of bladder control
134
00:05:33,627 --> 00:05:34,581
professional spies have,
135
00:05:34,666 --> 00:05:37,471
but this first-timer
needed to pee pronto.
136
00:05:39,245 --> 00:05:41,356
ADULT SHELDON: Now that I had
prevented my dad from saying
137
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:44,855
I made a mistake, it was time
to get the IRS to admit theirs.
138
00:05:44,947 --> 00:05:46,572
IRS, Agent Green speaking.
139
00:05:46,657 --> 00:05:48,735
Hello, my name
is Sheldon Cooper.
140
00:05:48,820 --> 00:05:50,238
Forgive me for cutting
right to the chase,
141
00:05:50,322 --> 00:05:52,436
but I'm outside
and my skin is incredibly fair.
142
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,699
Okay, how can I help you?
143
00:05:54,783 --> 00:05:56,614
You sent my family a bill
saying we owe
144
00:05:56,698 --> 00:05:59,269
an additional four dollars and
22 cents, but you're mistaken.
145
00:05:59,353 --> 00:06:01,096
I filed a flawless return.
146
00:06:01,180 --> 00:06:03,360
I'm sorry, how old are you?
147
00:06:03,444 --> 00:06:05,100
That seems irrelevant,
but I'm 11.
148
00:06:05,184 --> 00:06:07,705
Your parents let an 11-year-old
file their federal tax return?
149
00:06:07,790 --> 00:06:10,846
This year. Two years ago,
they let a nine-year-old do it.
150
00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,166
Look, these tax codes
are complicated.
151
00:06:14,432 --> 00:06:15,459
If you only made
152
00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:18,003
a four dollar mistake,
that's pretty impressive.
153
00:06:18,088 --> 00:06:20,461
I didn't make a mistake at all.
You did.
154
00:06:22,071 --> 00:06:23,684
- Is that so?
- Yes.
155
00:06:23,768 --> 00:06:26,948
But don't feel bad,
these tax codes are complicated.
156
00:06:27,032 --> 00:06:28,512
Uh-huh.
157
00:06:30,110 --> 00:06:33,072
Okay, I've got your file
right here, and, uh,
158
00:06:34,408 --> 00:06:36,229
looks like you underreported
your income.
159
00:06:36,346 --> 00:06:38,612
Actually, if you check
under charitable donations,
160
00:06:38,697 --> 00:06:40,683
you'll notice
that the money we made
161
00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:42,363
at the garage sale
did not count as taxable income
162
00:06:42,447 --> 00:06:44,440
because we donated it
to the church.
163
00:06:44,744 --> 00:06:48,002
Well, I'll, uh,
I'll have a look into that.
164
00:06:48,087 --> 00:06:50,159
In the future,
you might consider doing that
165
00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:51,495
before you send out
the letter.
166
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:53,366
So how does this work?
167
00:06:53,450 --> 00:06:55,931
Do you apologize now,
do I get it in writing?
168
00:06:57,260 --> 00:06:58,482
It's no big deal.
169
00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:00,159
It's a colonoscopy.
170
00:07:00,244 --> 00:07:01,505
So?
So,
171
00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:04,144
one of those words means
"colon," and the other means
172
00:07:04,229 --> 00:07:05,813
"shoving a camera up it."
173
00:07:05,897 --> 00:07:08,730
Mm.
I'm surprised you need one.
174
00:07:08,815 --> 00:07:10,355
Did you tell him
about the salad?
175
00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:11,683
It's not funny.
176
00:07:11,768 --> 00:07:13,690
Stop being such a baby.
177
00:07:13,775 --> 00:07:17,535
Something I have pushed out
of my body. You can do this.
178
00:07:17,620 --> 00:07:19,756
Wait, wait,
I got an idea.
179
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,533
Why don't we do it together?
180
00:07:21,973 --> 00:07:23,194
What?
181
00:07:23,369 --> 00:07:24,713
No.
Come on.
182
00:07:24,798 --> 00:07:26,451
It'll be romantic.
183
00:07:27,501 --> 00:07:28,682
You're weird.
184
00:07:28,767 --> 00:07:30,895
- MAN [over TV]: Hey, kids.
- GEORGE SR.: What the hell?
185
00:07:30,979 --> 00:07:32,550
Why are we getting audited?
186
00:07:32,635 --> 00:07:34,979
What? Are you sure
it doesn't say "applauded"?
187
00:07:35,064 --> 00:07:36,466
Perhaps for a job well done?
188
00:07:36,551 --> 00:07:38,199
We're being audited
for the last three years
189
00:07:38,283 --> 00:07:39,518
of our tax returns.
190
00:07:39,815 --> 00:07:40,940
I don't get it.
191
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:42,750
I mailed in that check
a week ago.
192
00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,216
About that.
I can explain.
193
00:07:45,300 --> 00:07:47,105
- Sheldon?
- I just needed some time
194
00:07:47,190 --> 00:07:48,753
to prove there were
no errors in my work.
195
00:07:48,837 --> 00:07:50,213
What did you do?
196
00:07:50,298 --> 00:07:51,353
I took the check
197
00:07:51,437 --> 00:07:52,838
- before Mom mailed it.
- What?
198
00:07:53,041 --> 00:07:55,182
But I called the IRS
and sorted things out.
199
00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:56,619
Clearly you didn't.
200
00:07:56,703 --> 00:07:58,403
I told you to let it go.
201
00:07:58,682 --> 00:08:00,145
I'm sorry.
202
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:02,105
This could end up
costing us a fortune.
203
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:03,847
- I can fix it.
- No.
204
00:08:04,102 --> 00:08:05,933
I'm gonna hire an accountant
and have him handle it right.
205
00:08:06,017 --> 00:08:08,805
- But I want to help.
- You've helped enough.
206
00:08:08,997 --> 00:08:10,518
Go to your room.
207
00:08:11,866 --> 00:08:13,215
Yes, sir.
208
00:08:20,030 --> 00:08:21,686
- [groans]
- [laughs]
209
00:08:21,954 --> 00:08:25,549
I feel bad beating you like this
after you bought me drinks.
210
00:08:25,634 --> 00:08:26,761
Okay, I tell you what.
211
00:08:26,846 --> 00:08:28,303
You want to make it
more interesting?
212
00:08:28,387 --> 00:08:29,980
- Sure.
- Okay, how about this?
213
00:08:30,065 --> 00:08:33,047
If I win, you get
a colonoscopy with me.
214
00:08:33,131 --> 00:08:34,861
God, are you still on this?
215
00:08:34,946 --> 00:08:36,080
Come on, why not?
216
00:08:36,201 --> 00:08:37,455
'Cause
I don't wanna.
217
00:08:37,540 --> 00:08:40,058
Well, I don't wanna, either,
but my doctor said I got to.
218
00:08:40,143 --> 00:08:42,518
Well, my doctor
didn't say nothing.
219
00:08:42,603 --> 00:08:44,019
When was the last time
you saw him?
220
00:08:44,104 --> 00:08:45,798
I don't know,
it's been a while.
221
00:08:45,882 --> 00:08:48,370
Yeah, well, like,
"six months" a while,
222
00:08:48,455 --> 00:08:50,151
- "Watergate" a while?
- Drop it.
223
00:08:50,235 --> 00:08:53,377
Uh, last time you saw him,
were they using leeches?
224
00:08:53,813 --> 00:08:55,917
I'm about to take this
pool cue
225
00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:57,791
and beat your doctor
to the punch.
226
00:08:57,876 --> 00:08:59,855
Oh.
That long, huh?
227
00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:02,685
Look, all I'm saying
is you could use a checkup.
228
00:09:02,769 --> 00:09:04,905
I feel fine.
Okay.
229
00:09:04,989 --> 00:09:07,385
At your age, there's nothing
wrong with going in...
230
00:09:07,469 --> 00:09:08,865
I'm not going to the doctor,
231
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:10,088
so just...
232
00:09:10,173 --> 00:09:12,057
mind your own business.
233
00:09:12,997 --> 00:09:15,557
♪ The Texas honky-tonk blues.
234
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:18,753
Why didn't you eat with us?
235
00:09:18,837 --> 00:09:21,338
I'm not hungry.
Dad's mad at me.
236
00:09:21,425 --> 00:09:22,952
Mom's not thrilled
with me, either.
237
00:09:23,036 --> 00:09:24,393
Why?
238
00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:26,456
Mom made chicken,
239
00:09:26,541 --> 00:09:28,261
and I said chickens cluck
a lot,
240
00:09:28,346 --> 00:09:30,112
so they should be called
"cluckers."
241
00:09:30,197 --> 00:09:32,019
And some chickens
are moms,
242
00:09:32,104 --> 00:09:33,310
so you could
call them "mother..."
243
00:09:33,394 --> 00:09:34,549
I don't care.
244
00:09:34,768 --> 00:09:36,041
Mom sure did.
245
00:09:36,126 --> 00:09:37,400
What did you do wrong?
246
00:09:37,485 --> 00:09:40,065
I got Dad in trouble
with the IRS.
247
00:09:40,197 --> 00:09:41,309
He has to hire an accountant,
248
00:09:41,393 --> 00:09:43,377
which could cost us
a lot of money.
249
00:09:43,587 --> 00:09:46,007
Dang, makes me not want
to have kids.
250
00:09:49,366 --> 00:09:50,632
Hello.
251
00:09:51,236 --> 00:09:52,459
Well, hey.
252
00:09:52,543 --> 00:09:53,722
Well, you missed it.
253
00:09:53,806 --> 00:09:56,065
Some old broad went
nuts over there
254
00:09:56,150 --> 00:09:58,369
and threw her pool
cue on the table.
255
00:09:58,533 --> 00:10:00,370
- She's crazy.
- Mm.
256
00:10:00,605 --> 00:10:01,886
Sorry.
257
00:10:02,017 --> 00:10:04,257
Well, you're not a
fan of doctors, huh?
258
00:10:04,932 --> 00:10:06,487
They never have
good news.
259
00:10:06,572 --> 00:10:09,433
They just want
to find something wrong.
260
00:10:09,815 --> 00:10:11,619
It's kind of their job.
261
00:10:11,783 --> 00:10:13,550
If something's wrong
with me,
262
00:10:13,635 --> 00:10:15,439
I don't want
to know about it.
263
00:10:15,713 --> 00:10:16,919
That's dumb.
264
00:10:17,003 --> 00:10:18,181
No, it's not.
265
00:10:18,424 --> 00:10:20,775
If I'm gonna drop dead,
I'd rather do it quick
266
00:10:20,869 --> 00:10:22,751
and leave lookin' good.
267
00:10:23,174 --> 00:10:24,745
I want to live so long
268
00:10:24,830 --> 00:10:27,089
- I start looking like a mummy.
- [Chuckles]
269
00:10:27,174 --> 00:10:28,452
You're off
to a strong start.
270
00:10:28,536 --> 00:10:30,501
- Hey.
- [chuckles]
271
00:10:31,008 --> 00:10:33,321
My husband went
to the doctor.
272
00:10:33,955 --> 00:10:35,372
And they found something.
273
00:10:35,456 --> 00:10:37,287
Two days later,
he was in surgery.
274
00:10:37,371 --> 00:10:39,199
Nine months later,
he was dead.
275
00:10:40,345 --> 00:10:41,695
Geez.
276
00:10:43,093 --> 00:10:45,138
I don't want that.
277
00:10:46,728 --> 00:10:48,705
And I, I don't want
278
00:10:48,790 --> 00:10:51,301
to put anybody else
through that.
279
00:10:51,610 --> 00:10:53,006
I'm sorry.
280
00:10:53,091 --> 00:10:54,440
Mm.
281
00:10:55,442 --> 00:10:57,480
I hope you stick
around long enough
282
00:10:57,565 --> 00:10:59,268
to start looking
like a mummy, too.
283
00:10:59,353 --> 00:11:00,659
[chuckles]
284
00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:02,073
I always pictured myself
285
00:11:02,158 --> 00:11:04,197
more the Bride of Frankenstein
type.
286
00:11:04,290 --> 00:11:06,462
Well, you got
the hair for it.
287
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:12,857
So how's it look?
288
00:11:12,947 --> 00:11:14,716
Do I owe a lot of money?
I don't have a lot of money.
289
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,758
Mm-hmm, I can see that.
290
00:11:18,104 --> 00:11:19,453
Who did these?
291
00:11:20,283 --> 00:11:21,505
Why?
292
00:11:21,944 --> 00:11:23,090
Is it that bad?
293
00:11:23,184 --> 00:11:24,623
They're impeccable.
294
00:11:24,783 --> 00:11:25,877
Oh...
295
00:11:25,962 --> 00:11:27,189
Actually, it was my son.
296
00:11:27,347 --> 00:11:29,784
Well, why don't you just
use him for the audit?
297
00:11:30,388 --> 00:11:31,651
He's 11.
298
00:11:32,513 --> 00:11:34,174
An 11-year-old did these?
299
00:11:34,259 --> 00:11:35,628
Actually, he might've been
nine at the time.
300
00:11:35,712 --> 00:11:37,384
I'm not good with birthdays.
301
00:11:42,165 --> 00:11:43,353
Hey.
302
00:11:43,658 --> 00:11:44,947
Hello.
303
00:11:45,281 --> 00:11:46,502
Playing with your trains?
304
00:11:46,587 --> 00:11:48,009
I'm punishing myself by
looking at them,
305
00:11:48,093 --> 00:11:50,011
but not allowing myself
to run them.
306
00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:51,840
You don't have
to punish yourself.
307
00:11:52,033 --> 00:11:54,016
Because you'd rather do it?
That's fair.
308
00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:55,478
No.
309
00:11:56,026 --> 00:11:58,001
It's okay.
I deserve it.
310
00:11:59,599 --> 00:12:01,009
Actually...
311
00:12:01,743 --> 00:12:03,807
I want you to represent us
at the audit.
312
00:12:04,228 --> 00:12:05,636
But I messed everything up.
313
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:07,116
You did.
314
00:12:07,509 --> 00:12:08,918
But I also know
if anyone's smart enough
315
00:12:09,002 --> 00:12:10,455
to get us out of this, you are.
316
00:12:12,780 --> 00:12:14,540
Why'd you change your mind?
317
00:12:15,411 --> 00:12:16,633
No reason.
318
00:12:17,197 --> 00:12:18,540
What did the accountant say?
319
00:12:18,633 --> 00:12:19,775
Nothing.
320
00:12:19,860 --> 00:12:22,142
They said my returns were
perfect, didn't they?
321
00:12:23,771 --> 00:12:26,034
Play with your trains.
322
00:12:31,744 --> 00:12:33,245
Why are you readin'
the Bible?
323
00:12:33,330 --> 00:12:34,705
I felt bad about last night,
324
00:12:34,813 --> 00:12:36,689
so I thought
it might be good for me.
325
00:12:37,978 --> 00:12:39,276
Where are you going
with this?
326
00:12:39,361 --> 00:12:41,400
Nowhere, I just want
to make you happy.
327
00:12:42,072 --> 00:12:43,330
Uh-huh.
328
00:12:43,766 --> 00:12:44,948
"And the man increased
329
00:12:45,033 --> 00:12:47,127
"exceedingly,
and had much cattle,
330
00:12:47,212 --> 00:12:49,088
"and maidservants,
and menservants,
331
00:12:49,173 --> 00:12:52,229
- and camels, and asses."
- Okay. Stop.
332
00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:54,463
What? I'm just reading
from Genesis.
333
00:12:54,548 --> 00:12:57,166
- Well, cut it out.
- Fine.
334
00:12:57,250 --> 00:12:58,863
Let's try Exodus.
335
00:12:59,115 --> 00:13:02,083
"And on the seventh
day thou shalt rest:
336
00:13:02,243 --> 00:13:05,087
That thine ox
and thine ass may rest."
337
00:13:05,172 --> 00:13:06,634
That is it,
you are grounded.
338
00:13:06,719 --> 00:13:07,941
For reading the Bible?
339
00:13:08,033 --> 00:13:10,510
The way you are doing it, yes.
Go to your room.
340
00:13:10,595 --> 00:13:11,798
Okay.
341
00:13:11,883 --> 00:13:13,120
I don't have a donkey.
342
00:13:13,205 --> 00:13:15,400
But if I did,
I'd take my ass out of here.
343
00:13:15,814 --> 00:13:16,968
GEORGE SR.:
Hello.
344
00:13:17,157 --> 00:13:19,431
I'm George Cooper.
This is my son Sheldon.
345
00:13:19,537 --> 00:13:21,526
Yes, we spoke on the phone.
346
00:13:21,611 --> 00:13:23,279
You look exactly like
you sound.
347
00:13:23,363 --> 00:13:24,558
Not everybody does.
348
00:13:24,643 --> 00:13:26,558
- Should we get started?
- Yes.
349
00:13:28,986 --> 00:13:30,486
ADULT SHELDON:
I realize some people
350
00:13:30,571 --> 00:13:33,455
may find the ins and outs
of tax law
351
00:13:33,540 --> 00:13:36,858
a little tedious, so allow me
to spice this story up.
352
00:13:37,048 --> 00:13:40,557
Instead of an audit,
imagine this is a showdown
353
00:13:40,642 --> 00:13:43,096
between two warriors
in the most brutal
354
00:13:43,181 --> 00:13:45,768
and exciting form
of combat there is...
355
00:13:45,853 --> 00:13:47,056
chess.
356
00:13:47,197 --> 00:13:48,652
[♪]
357
00:13:48,736 --> 00:13:50,741
Am I the only one
who just got chills?
358
00:13:50,825 --> 00:13:53,276
Let's start with the
business deductions
359
00:13:53,361 --> 00:13:56,034
from Schedule A on the
tax return dated
360
00:13:56,119 --> 00:13:57,673
1989.
361
00:13:57,775 --> 00:14:00,119
ADULT SHELDON:
I know, bold opening move.
362
00:14:00,275 --> 00:14:02,119
Don't worry,
I came to play.
363
00:14:02,251 --> 00:14:03,299
Happy to.
364
00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:05,346
I've got those receipts
right here.
365
00:14:05,431 --> 00:14:07,023
Dated, highlighted...
366
00:14:07,108 --> 00:14:08,849
and itemized.
367
00:14:10,281 --> 00:14:11,634
ADULT SHELDON:
Told you.
368
00:14:11,884 --> 00:14:14,060
[♪]
369
00:14:15,033 --> 00:14:17,728
For the next three hours,
we battled it out.
370
00:14:17,837 --> 00:14:19,087
Two mighty brains
371
00:14:19,236 --> 00:14:22,033
locked in mortal tax code
combat.
372
00:14:22,118 --> 00:14:23,471
[♪]
373
00:14:23,828 --> 00:14:25,751
Justify this expense.
374
00:14:26,712 --> 00:14:29,134
Our AGI was less than
50,000.
375
00:14:29,430 --> 00:14:31,652
Improper classification.
376
00:14:31,762 --> 00:14:34,705
Rolled over
from the previous fiscal year.
377
00:14:35,852 --> 00:14:38,596
The receipt has
barbecue sauce on it.
378
00:14:39,009 --> 00:14:41,186
- Dad.
- Sorry.
379
00:14:44,677 --> 00:14:47,016
So,
you are remarkably well-versed
380
00:14:47,108 --> 00:14:48,100
in the tax code.
381
00:14:48,185 --> 00:14:49,147
Thank you. It's nice of you
382
00:14:49,231 --> 00:14:50,453
to do your parents' returns
383
00:14:50,537 --> 00:14:51,584
for free every year.
384
00:14:51,668 --> 00:14:52,803
Oh, I don't do it
for free.
385
00:14:52,888 --> 00:14:55,502
My dad buys me
a model train afterwards.
386
00:14:55,802 --> 00:14:57,349
Interesting.
387
00:14:58,013 --> 00:14:59,288
So you accept payment
388
00:14:59,372 --> 00:15:01,681
even though you're not
a licensed tax professional?
389
00:15:01,765 --> 00:15:03,942
[♪]
390
00:15:04,868 --> 00:15:07,131
In clear violation
of federal law.
391
00:15:08,898 --> 00:15:10,123
Check.
392
00:15:12,087 --> 00:15:14,623
ADULT SHELDON: I had walked
right into his trap.
393
00:15:15,129 --> 00:15:17,607
Excuse me, I need
to use the restroom.
394
00:15:18,704 --> 00:15:20,271
[chuckles softly]
395
00:15:22,343 --> 00:15:25,262
So,
catch that Cowboys game last...
396
00:15:25,354 --> 00:15:26,513
- No.
- Yeah.
397
00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:28,888
[phone rings]
398
00:15:30,664 --> 00:15:31,718
Ballard's.
399
00:15:31,803 --> 00:15:34,155
- Hello.
- Hey, what's up?
400
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,555
You'll be happy to know
I went out and got a checkup.
401
00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:38,210
Fantastic.
402
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:39,724
Yeah, great, just great.
403
00:15:39,809 --> 00:15:41,727
And now you can
shut up about it.
404
00:15:41,936 --> 00:15:43,114
Well, how'd it go?
405
00:15:43,198 --> 00:15:44,681
Good news,
bad news.
406
00:15:44,765 --> 00:15:47,224
- Uh-oh.
- Good news is I'm fine.
407
00:15:47,443 --> 00:15:49,686
Well, now, isn't that
comforting to know?
408
00:15:49,770 --> 00:15:51,079
Don't be smug.
409
00:15:51,163 --> 00:15:52,555
So what's the bad news?
410
00:15:53,904 --> 00:15:56,100
He wants me to have
a colonoscopy.
411
00:15:56,185 --> 00:15:57,131
Great!
412
00:15:57,216 --> 00:15:59,229
Oh, my gosh,
we can do it together!
413
00:15:59,314 --> 00:16:01,260
Can't you just feel
the romance?
414
00:16:01,345 --> 00:16:03,334
No, you weirdo.
415
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:04,917
[chuckles]
416
00:16:07,873 --> 00:16:08,943
There you are.
417
00:16:09,094 --> 00:16:10,707
Hey,
we're waiting on you.
418
00:16:11,209 --> 00:16:13,014
I want to go home.
419
00:16:13,435 --> 00:16:14,819
What are you talking about?
420
00:16:14,904 --> 00:16:16,017
We're not done yet.
421
00:16:16,101 --> 00:16:17,076
Yes, we are.
422
00:16:17,161 --> 00:16:18,702
I made a mistake
that's gonna cost us
423
00:16:18,787 --> 00:16:20,775
a lot of money
that we don't have.
424
00:16:20,914 --> 00:16:22,742
I feel so stupid.
425
00:16:26,201 --> 00:16:27,224
Hey.
426
00:16:27,921 --> 00:16:29,882
It's okay to feel stupid.
427
00:16:29,967 --> 00:16:31,032
No, it's not.
428
00:16:31,936 --> 00:16:33,576
It just means you're growing.
429
00:16:34,044 --> 00:16:36,007
If you don't look back
and think you were dumb,
430
00:16:36,107 --> 00:16:38,334
then you, then you haven't
learned anything.
431
00:16:38,997 --> 00:16:40,147
So what do we do?
432
00:16:40,232 --> 00:16:41,483
We get back in there.
433
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:42,662
What if we lose?
434
00:16:42,747 --> 00:16:44,999
Doesn't matter...
win or lose,
435
00:16:45,084 --> 00:16:46,952
we don't give up,
all right?
436
00:16:47,037 --> 00:16:48,007
Now let's get
in there and show 'em
437
00:16:48,092 --> 00:16:49,570
what we're made of...
What do you say?
438
00:16:49,654 --> 00:16:52,218
I've heard you give that exact
same pep talk at football games.
439
00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:53,983
Well, I didn't have
a special one prepared.
440
00:16:54,106 --> 00:16:55,281
That's all right.
441
00:16:55,366 --> 00:16:57,162
I feel properly pepped.
442
00:17:04,013 --> 00:17:05,153
So...
443
00:17:05,526 --> 00:17:06,865
where were we?
444
00:17:09,206 --> 00:17:10,334
Check.
445
00:17:13,176 --> 00:17:14,509
It's true.
446
00:17:15,078 --> 00:17:16,648
I made a mistake.
447
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,898
But my dad taught me
that's okay.
448
00:17:21,048 --> 00:17:22,357
Wait.
449
00:17:22,732 --> 00:17:24,128
My dad's a teacher.
450
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:28,217
Which means, my doing our taxes
wasn't work for-hire,
451
00:17:28,302 --> 00:17:31,030
but an economics lesson
he was teaching me.
452
00:17:31,115 --> 00:17:32,740
[♪]
453
00:17:32,844 --> 00:17:36,350
Therefore, the train
he bought me wasn't payment
454
00:17:36,435 --> 00:17:38,725
for unlicensed work,
it was a reward
455
00:17:38,810 --> 00:17:41,201
for successfully
completing my lesson.
456
00:17:44,181 --> 00:17:46,163
So it does not violate
the statute,
457
00:17:46,248 --> 00:17:49,016
and since the value of the train
is less than $10,000,
458
00:17:49,101 --> 00:17:51,388
there's no additional gift tax.
459
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:54,162
Checkmate.
460
00:17:56,418 --> 00:17:57,888
[sighs]
461
00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:03,060
[applause]
462
00:18:04,044 --> 00:18:06,295
Well, I guess
that wraps it up.
463
00:18:07,101 --> 00:18:09,062
Is it over?
What happened?
464
00:18:09,217 --> 00:18:10,311
We won.
465
00:18:10,396 --> 00:18:11,779
Wait, we don't owe anything?
466
00:18:11,864 --> 00:18:13,611
No, your returns are
all in order.
467
00:18:13,696 --> 00:18:15,060
Well done.
468
00:18:15,145 --> 00:18:16,354
Thank you.
469
00:18:16,438 --> 00:18:17,834
Your son's
extremely intelligent.
470
00:18:17,918 --> 00:18:19,966
Yep.
I hope you audit us next year,
471
00:18:20,050 --> 00:18:21,749
so I can run circles
around you again.
472
00:18:21,842 --> 00:18:24,021
Until he says something stupid.
Let's go.
473
00:18:30,537 --> 00:18:32,209
[gags]
[grunts]
474
00:18:32,310 --> 00:18:33,662
I can't believe
we have to drink
475
00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:35,577
- so much of that garbage.
- [sighs]
476
00:18:35,927 --> 00:18:38,660
Well, the important thing is,
we get to do it together, dear.
477
00:18:38,745 --> 00:18:41,312
You are so
full of crap.
478
00:18:43,052 --> 00:18:45,144
Well, not for much
longer.
479
00:18:45,229 --> 00:18:48,202
Excuse me,
the festivities have begun.
480
00:18:48,287 --> 00:18:49,895
You're taking
that whole thing with you?
481
00:18:49,979 --> 00:18:51,982
I'm gonna be a while.
482
00:18:52,066 --> 00:18:54,066
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