Original subtitles

- MM.

OH, THIS SOUP IS REALLY HOT.

- HEY, SHH.

[whispers] THAT COUPLE'S HAVING A FIGHT OVER THERE.

IT'S A REALLY GOOD ONE. HE'S PISSED.

- ALL I KNOW IS THAT

I WOULD NEVER LOOK THROUGH YOUR EMAIL

BECAUSE I RESPECT YOUR PRIVACY.

- OH. SHE CHECKED HIS EMAIL.

THAT IS NEVER OKAY.

- MM-KAY, WELL, WHY ARE YOU DEFENDING HIM

IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE?

- HAVE YOU EVER CHECKED MY EMAILS?

- NOT ANYMORE. THEY'RE SO BORING.

I MEAN, IT'S ALL LIKE FANTASY FOOTBALL UPDATES,

AND WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION WITH POTTERY BARN?

- I BOUGHT ONE FRAME FOUR YEARS AGO.

THEY'RE OBSESSED WITH ME.

- EMAILING WITH A GIRL IS ABSOLUTELY CHEATING.

- HOW COULD I CHEAT ON YOU?

YOU KNOW THE PASSWORD TO MY CELL PHONE.

- OKAY, WELL, THAT WOMAN IS CRAZY.

- YOU KNOW I DON'T LOVE THAT WORD.

- RIGHT.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY ANYTIME

A WOMAN STANDS UP FOR HERSELF, SHE'S CRAZY.

I MEAN, FOR A GUY TO BE CALLED CRAZY,

HE'S GOT TO BE A HOMELESS CRACKHEAD

TALKING TO PIGEONS.

FOR A WOMAN TO BE CALLED CRAZY,

SHE JUST HAS TO TALK.

- SORRY. I-I DIDN'T MEAN TO CALL THAT WOMAN CRAZY.

SHE'S NOT CRAZY. SHE'S JUST...

IRRATIONAL, PARANOID, AND PSYCHOTIC.

- THANK YOU.

WHITNEY IS TAPED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

- OKAY, THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID. - I'M JUST SAYING.

NOBODY SHOULD HAVE A PASSWORD ON THEIR PHONE

BECAUSE NOBODY SHOULD BE TRYING TO GET INTO IT ANYWAY.

- OKAY, BUT IF YOU WEREN'T DOING SOMETHING SHADY,

YOU WOULDN'T NEED A PASSWORD IN THE FIRST PLACE.

- OKAY. HEY.

CAN YOU GUYS TAKE YOUR FIGHT SOMEWHERE ELSE?

IT'S MAKING ME JEALOUS.

- LOOK OUT. NAILED IT.

WHO'S NEXT. - I AM, I AM.

ALEX, GIVE THEM SOME MONEY.

WHAT AM I DOING?

- NO, WE'RE PLAYING A GAME TO SEE

WHO CAN TAKE THE FUNNIEST PHOTO.

AND THE WINNER GETS THEIR PICK

OF ONE ITEM FROM THE LOST AND FOUND.

- OH, MAN. I WANT THOSE DENTURES.

- FOR WHAT? - YOU'LL SEE.

- SHE'S GOING FOR THOSE DUMB TEETH? SHE'S CRAZY.

THERE'S AN iPOD NANO RIGHT IN THE FRONT.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, R.J.

DON'T SAY THE "C" WORD AROUND WHITNEY.

- NO, NO. I SAID "FRONT."

- NO, NO, NO. SHE HATES THE WORD "CRAZY."

IT TRIGGERS SOMETHING WEIRD IN HER,

AND IT TAKES HER A LONG TIME TO EXPLAIN

WHY IT'S YOUR FAULT.

- OH. I'M LIKE THAT WITH THE WORD "FLAKEY."

IF I CANCEL HANGING OUT WITH YOU,

IT'S NOT BECAUSE I'M FLAKEY.

IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU.

- MINE IS "BITCH."

IT'S NOT MY FAULT IF YOUR JOKES AREN'T FUNNY.

MARK.

- MINE IS "WUSS." EVEN HOW IT SOUNDS.

ESPECIALLY HOW IT LOOKS SCRATCHED INTO YOUR LOCKER.

- ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S YOUR THIRD RAIL WORD, R.J.?

- I DON'T HAVE ONE.

- WHAT? COME ON. EVERYBODY'S GOT A HOT BUTTON.

WHAT ABOUT, LIKE, "WIMP"?

- NOPE. - "AFRICAN PRINCE"?

- CAREFUL.

- ALL RIGHT.

YOUR TURN. - ALL RIGHT.

DON'T LOOK.

GOT IT.

- OKAY. ALL THE PHOTOS ARE IN.

HERE WE GO. - [giggles]

- OUR FIRST CONTESTANT...

- [muffled laugh]

COME ON!

IT'S A PICTURE OF NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER.

IT'S SO RIDICULOUS.

- OKAY. NEXT.

- OH, THAT'S MINE.

- WHAT IS IT?

- MY PAYCHECK.

IT'S THE BIGGEST JOKE AROUND HERE.

[laughter]

- OH, OKAY. YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?

GUYS, THE BEER HAS ZERO ALCOHOL IN IT.

[laughs]

- OKAY. NEXT.

[laughter]

- DO IT! DO IT. I LOVE THAT FACE.

- THERE YOU GO.

- OKAY. NEXT.

- THAT ONE'S MINE.

- IS THAT YOUR BUTT?

- YEAH.

- WILL YOU FORWARD ME THAT?

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? GAME OVER.

- WHAT? OH, I WON. LANDSLIDE.

- WE'RE OBVIOUSLY GONNA BE CALLING IT A NIGHT.

- I'M GOING TO CALL IT THE NIGHT I SAW WHITNEY'S BUTT.

- WAIT, I WANT TO GET MY TEETH.

- COME ON, LEAVE THE TEETH.

YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH.

- WHY ARE YOU SO FREAKED OUT ABOUT THIS?

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL. IT WAS JUST MY BUTT.

IT LOOKED LIKE A PEACH.

- YEAH, THAT'S MY PEACH.

- OKAY, IT WAS OUR FRIENDS. THEY DON'T CARE.

THEY THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.

- NO. NOBODY THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.

- DID THEY THINK IT WAS SEXY?

- NO, IT WAS A BUMMER.

- GOD. HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA BE MAD ABOUT THIS?

- I DON'T KNOW. THAT WAS BIG DEAL.

- EXCUSE ME?

- NO. I MEAN, SHOWING ALL OF OUR FRIENDS

YOUR FANNY, ALL RIGHT?

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FUNNY PHOTO CONTEST,

NOT A MOLE CHECK.

- LOOK, I ONLY HAVE ANOTHER COUPLE YEARS

TO TAKE PICTURES LIKE THAT BEFORE MY PEACH

TURNS INTO A PRUNE.

- THAT'S NOT HOW FRUIT WORKS.

LOOK, THE REASON WHY I'M SO PISSED OFF ABOUT THIS

IS BECAUSE I'M YOUR HUSBAND, AND I'M THE ONLY GUY

THAT GETS TO SEE YOU LIKE THAT.

- [scoffs[ ALEX, I WAS JUST TRYING

TO WIN US SOME TEETH.

YOU MISSED OUT ON A REALLY WEIRD THREESOME.

[clacking her teeth]

- UH, I DON'T EVEN KNOW-- KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

- COME ON, R.J. YOU HAVE TO HAVE A THIRD RAIL WORD.

JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS.

"WEIRDO BEARDO."

- NOPE.

- YEAH, THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

YOUR BEARD'S A WORK OF ART.

WHAT ABOUT "KING DORK"? THAT ONE ALWAYS STINGS.

OR "VIRGIN" OR "SKID MARK."

- I DO NOT HAVE ANY HOT BUTTON WORDS

BECAUSE I'M AN ADULT.

- YEAH.

BUT SOMETHING MUST HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU

WHEN YOU WERE A KID THAT MESSED YOU UP

AND LEFT A SCAR.

I MEAN, NOT ON YOUR PERFECT FACE

BUT SOMEWHERE.

- MAYBE, BUT I DON'T SIT AROUND AND WHINE ABOUT THINGS

BECAUSE I'M NOT A CHILD.

- NEITHER AM I.

- OH.

MICHELLE'S BABY SHOWER WAS LAST WEEKEND.

- SO YOU MISSED IT?

- WELL, IF IT WAS IMPORTANT, I WOULD'VE REMEMBERED.

I DON'T KNOW THAT BABY.

I'LL SHOW UP WHEN IT HAS A MEMORY.

- AND YOU WONDER WHY PEOPLE CALL YOU FLAKEY.

AND IT DOESN'T MAKE ME A BITCH TO SAY THAT.

SAYING THAT MAKES ME HONEST.

- I AM NOT FLAKEY.

- OKAY.

- OKAY, WELL, I DON'T THINK I'M FLAKEY,

AND YOU OBVIOUSLY DO.

SO WHITNEY WILL BE THE TIE BREAKER.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S GO OVER THERE RIGHT NOW AND SETTLE THIS.

- YOU FORGOT YOUR PURSE.

- [clears throat] I KNOW.

I WAS COMING BACK TO GET IT.

BITCH.

- PHONE.

- MAKE SURE LILY DELETED THAT PICTURE.

- IT MIGHT BE IN THE CLOUD.

- "THE CLOUD"?

YOUR PEACH IS IN THE CLOUD?

- IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.

I MEAN, EVERYBODY WATCHES PORN.

- NO, YOU'RE NOT A PORN STAR.

- HEY! I COULD BE.

ASK MY THERAPIST.

WHY ARE YOU BEING SO UPTIGHT?

- OKAY, I'M NOT UPTIGHT.

- YES, YOU ARE.

I DON'T KNOW WHEN IT HAPPENED,

BUT IT HAPPENED.

FOR EXAMPLE...

- THAT DOESN'T MAKE ME UPTIGHT.

THAT MAKES ME NORMAL.

PLEASE CLOSE IT.

- UPTIGHT.

- I AM NOT. - MM-HMM.

- I JUST DON'T WANT THESE EGGS TO HATCH.

- WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GUY

WHO USED TO GO TO STARBUCKS IN HIS BOXERS,

WHO WOULD SING CHRISTINA AGUILERA

IN A CROWDED ELEVATOR?

- [Spanish accent] AGUILERA.

- OKAY, YOU'RE THE ONE THAT USED TO SEND ME DIRTY PICTURES.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GUY?

- THAT GUY GREW UP.

- THAT GUY GREW UPTIGHT.

- OH, YEAH? - YEAH.

- HOW ABOUT THAT?

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM.

LIGHTS ON, BLINDS OPEN. WHATEVER.

- IT'S OKAY, BABY. EVERYBODY GETS OLD.

- "OLD"?

- I'M GONNA GO CHANGE.

YOU PROBABLY WANT TO GET BACK TO YOUR NCIS.

- IT'S THE NUMBER ONE SHOW IN THE WORLD.

NCIS.

[belt buckle clinking]

[clears throat]

UPTIGHT, HUH?

I'LL SHOW YOU UPTIGHT.

UPTIGHT AND UP CLOSE.

- WHOA! - AAH!

- AAH!

AAH!

- WHITNEY!

DO YOU THINK I'M FLAKEY?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- WHA--NO-- WHAT WERE YOU DOING THERE?

- OKAY, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

I WAS PROVING A POINT.

- OH, OKAY, WELL, YOU PROVED A POINT WITH ME.

IT WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE. - VERY. VERY.

I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA HAVE TO FIGHT IT.

- WHAT IS GOING ON?

- UH, WE CAME OVER TO ASK YOU A QUESTION,

BUT THEN WE SAW ALEX'S PENIS.

AND NOW I SEE IT EVERYWHERE.

SO WE'RE GONNA GO.

- GOD, WHAT IS IT WITH WEDNESDAYS

AND ME WALKING IN ON NAKED PEOPLE?

[chuckles] I MEAN...

[door closes] - LOOK, I CAN EXPLAIN.

- WHAT ARE YOU DO--

WERE YOU TAKING A DIRTY PICTURE?

- YEAH.

- AWW.

ALEX. WAIT, FOR WHO?

- FOR ANDERSON COOPER. FOR YOU!

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR FRIENDS JUST WALKED IN HERE

AND SAW MY...EVERYTHING.

AND I'M JUST--THEY'RE GONNA MAKE FUN OF ME.

- OKAY, THEY ARE NOT GONNA MAKE FUN OF YOU, OKAY?

IF THEY'RE GONNA SAY SOMETHING,

THEY WOULD HAVE, LIKE, TEXTED ME BY NOW.

[phone vibrating]

THAT COULD BE ANYONE.

[phone vibrating]

LOOK. [clears throat]

[snickers]

- I KNEW IT.

- IT'S OKAY. CALM DOWN.

IT IS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "NOT THAT BIG"?

- HEY, R.J., CAN YOU GO DOWNSTAIRS

AND GET ME A JAR OF OLIVES?

I'M STUCK ON A SUPER IMPORTANT CALL.

- SURE. TELL YOUR MOM I SAID HI.

- I'M NOT TALKING TO MY MOM.

WHAT WAS THAT, NANA?

NO, THAT'S JUST THE GUY I WORK WITH AND WANNA BE.

WHAT?

WHERE'S THE OLIVES?

ARE YOU OKAY?

UM, I GOTTA GO, BEER DELIVERY GUY.

YEAH, LOVE YOU TOO.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

- I SAW SOMETHING.

- WAS IT THE DRUNK RAT?

- NO, I SAW...A SPIDER.

- I KNEW THERE HAD TO BE SOMETHING THAT SET YOU OFF.

YOU'RE AFRAID OF SPIDERS.

- YOU MEAN MURDERERS WITH 50 EYES?

- OH, THIS IS GONNA BE FUN.

- THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT.

- OKAY, NOW LET DOWN YOUR DRAWBRIDGE.

- LOOK, WHEN MY DAD LEFT,

I HAD TO BE THE MAN AROUND THE HOUSE.

OUR NEW PLACE HAD ALL THESE SPIDERS.

MY MOM AND MY SISTER WERE SCARED OF 'EM,

SO I HAD TO BE THE ONE THAT KILLED THEM.

ONE NIGHT, ONE OF THE SURVIVORS...

GOT HIS REVENGE...

AND BIT ME ON THE FACE.

I CAN STILL FEEL THE...

LITTLE HAIRY LEGS ALL OV--

IT WAS BIG, BLACK--

- CAREFUL...

- [giggling] YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.

OH, REALLY.

- GOOD OBITUARIES TODAY?

- [laughs]

- ARE YOU STILL EMAILING WITH ROXANNE AND LILY?

THEY'RE-- YOU'RE STILL AT IT?

- OH, WE'RE JUST JOKING.

- "JOKING"?

- WHAT? IT WAS FUNNY.

WE'RE JUST LAUGHING ABOUT IT.

- "IT"? "LAUGHING"?

- NO, IT'S NOTHING. - COME ON, LET ME SEE.

I WANT TO SEE. CAN I SEE IT? - NO.

- ALL RIGHT. BUT LOOK, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK.

I KNOW WHAT I'VE GOT.

- YEAH. - YEAH.

I'VE NEVER GOTTEN ANY COMPLAINTS.

- WE MAKE IT WORK.

- HILARIOUS. [door closes]

[shower running]

WHITNEY, YOU'RE TAKING A SHOWER?

- NO, IT JUST STARTED RAINING IN HERE.

- OKAY.

HERE WE GO.

"BOOTS. BOOTS.

BOOTS."

THERE IT IS.

[laughs]

AH.

THAT'S NOT THAT BAD.

- ALEX, DO YOU KNOW WHERE I PUT THE--

- YES? WHAT? NO, I DIDN'T.

- WERE YOU GOING THROUGH MY EMAILS?

- WELL, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SHOWERING.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU.

- OH, ME? WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S DELIBERATELY

WASTING HOT WATER.

- DON'T EVEN TRY TO DO--YOU KNOW I TAKE ICE-COLD SHOWERS.

DID YOU FIND WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR?

- OKAY, FINE. YOU KNOW WHAT? YEAH.

I WAS LOOKING THROUGH YOUR EMAILS.

BUT I HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW IF YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS

ARE MAKING FUN OF MY DONG.

THAT'S MY RIGHT.

- OKAY, BUT YOU ARE THE ONE THAT SAID

THAT IT IS NEVER OKAY TO GO THROUGH SOMEONE ELSE'S EMAILS.

- NOW SHE'S LISTENING TO ME.

- OKAY, YOU COMPLETELY VIOLATED MY PRIVACY.

- PRIV--SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE ABOUT PRIVACY?

YOU JUST TOOK A PHOTO OF YOURSELF

THAT WOULD MAKE ROBERT MAPPLETHORPE BLUSH.

- OKAY, OKAY. FIRST OF ALL, GREAT REFERENCE.

I APPRECIATE YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF PHOTOGRAPHY

SINCE THAT IS MY PROFESSION.

SECOND OF ALL, I CAN'T-- THAT--JUST ADMIT

THAT IT WAS NOT COOL THAT YOU DID THAT.

YOU'RE SO STUPID.

- SO I'M STUPID?

- YEAH. THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE CRAZY.

- EXCUSE ME?

- YEAH, YOU HEARD ME. I SAID YOU'RE CRAZY.

YOUR EYES ARE CRAZY, YOUR CLOTHES ARE CRAZY,

YOUR OPEN-TOED BOOTS ARE CRAZY.

YOUR HAIR'S CRAZY, YOUR LONG-ASS ARMS ARE CRAZY,

YOUR EYES ARE CRAZY.

EVERYTHING'S CRAZY. CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY.

CRAZY!

- YOU ALREADY SAID MY EYES ARE CRAZY.

- YEAH? WELL, YOU GOT TWO OF 'EM.

AND THEY'RE BOTH CRAZY.

I'LL PACK AN OVERNIGHT BAG.

- MARK?

MARK?

MARK!

- YOU ARE SUCH A WIMP.

THERE ARE NO SPIDERS DOWN THERE.

- IS THAT WHAT HE TOLD YOU TO SAY?

YAAAH!

- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU LOOK COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS.

SPIDERS ARE MORE AFRAID OF PEOPLE

THAN PEOPLE ARE OF SPIDERS.

[shrieks]

- [shrieking]

[both shrieking and whooping]

- UHH! UHH! NO, NO, NO. NO, NO.

Y-YOU'RE NOT HELPING. YOU'RE JUST MAKING A MESS.

both: AAH!

- HE'S MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH ME.

I MEAN, "EYES" CONTACT.

- GET THE GUN. - WE HAVE A GUN?

- I THOUGHT YOU HAD A GUN.

- DON'T BE RACIST RIGHT NOW. - IS THAT RACIST?

- WELL, IF YOU HAVE TO ASK, IT PROBABLY IS.

- HEY.

WOW, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- OH, LOOK. A SPIDER.

[baby voice] HE'S A BIG BOY.

- YOU LADIES DON'T MOVE.

I GOT THIS.

I'M JUST GONNA YELP "EXTERMINATORS."

- WAIT, I'M A MEMBER OF ANGIE'S LIST.

- I'M GONNA GO SET IT FREE.

HI, BUDDY. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

IT'S SO TICKLY. - [gasps]

[baby voice] WHO'S A GOOD LITTLE SPIDER?

- HOW CAN YOU DO THAT?

IT'S SO BIG AND SCARY.

- OH, WE'RE NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING.

- YEAH. WE SAW ALEX'S PENIS.

- AH.

- HEY. - HEY.

I'M GOING TO BED. - GOOD NIGHT.

- NIGHT.

- IT'S 4:30.

- I'LL TAKE TYLENOL PM.

- WE'RE ALL OUT OF TYLENOL PM.

- I'LL EAT SOME TURKEY.

- WE BOTH AGREED NO EATING IN THE BEDROOM

UNLESS WE'RE FILMING.

LOOK, WHIT, I SHOULDN'T HAVE CALLED YOU CRAZY.

- NO, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

I KNOW CRAZY. I COME FROM CRAZY, OKAY?

AND I AM NOT THAT. I'M NOT THAT FOR YOU.

SO FOR YOU OF ALL PEOPLE TO CALL ME THAT REALLY SUCKS.

IT INVALIDATES HOW HARD I HAVE WORKED

TO NOT BE CRAZY, SO THAT I WOULDN'T RUIN THIS.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO CALL ME STUPID.

- I NEVER CALLED YOU STUPID.

- YEAH, YOU DID. YOU CALLED ME STUPID WITH THE EMAILS.

- I DID? - YEAH.

AND LAST YEAR WHEN WE WENT TO SEATTLE,

YOU CALLED ME STUPID 'CAUSE I WANTED TO RENT AN S.U.V.

AND THEN A COUPLE MONTHS AGO, WE WERE BOTH IN THE KITCHEN,

YOU CALLED ME STUPID WITH THE STOVE.

- I'M PRETTY SURE IN THE KITCHEN, I CALLED YOU A MORON.

- NO, THAT I'M FINE WITH.

- THEN WHY AREN'T YOU FINE WITH STUPID?

- LOOK, WHEN I WAS A KID,

I HAD A LOT OF TROUBLE IN SCHOOL.

AND MY BROTHER WAS IN ALL THE ADVANCED CLASSES

AND ALWAYS GOT STRAIGHT As.

AND MY MOM HAD TO TUTOR ME EVERY NIGHT BEFORE DINNER.

AND MY BROTHER WOULD JUST CONSTANTLY CALL ME STUPID.

AND MY DAD WOULD LAUGH.

- I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

- YEAH, SO IT JUST BOTHERS ME.

- I PROMISE NOT TO CALL YOU STUPID ANYMORE.

FROM NOW ON,

I'LL ONLY THINK IT.

- YOU KNOW, IT'S PRETTY COOL

WE CAN MAKE FUN OF EACH OTHER LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T THINK MOST COUPLES CAN DO THAT.

- YEAH, BUT WE SHOULD PROBABLY STAY AWAY

FROM THOSE PARTICULAR WORDS, YOU KNOW.

SO HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF "STUPID,"

FROM NOW ON I'LL CALL YOU...

- "GENIUS."

AND INSTEAD OF "CRAZY," I'LL CALL YOU...

- SOFIA VERGARA.

- [Spanish accent] VERGARA.

YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY GLAD WE HAVE EACH OTHER.

- ME TOO.

'CAUSE NO ONE ELSE WOULD HANG OUT WITH US.

- WHY NOT?

- BECAUSE I'M CRAZY AND YOU'RE...

A GENIUS.