Original subtitles

- MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY FAMOUS PEOPLE

ARE AT THIS CHARITY THING.

THERE'S THAT ONE GUY FROM THE COMMERCIAL.

- OH, MY GOD, LOOK, THERE'S WHAT'S HIS FACE FROM MUSIC.

- HUH.

OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S HOPE SOLO.

- THE GUY FROM STAR WARS?

- HOPE SOLO? THE OLYMPIC SOCCER PLAYER?

- THE HOT GIRL?

- YEAH, IS SHE HOT? I DON'T--

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T-- I DON'T KNOW.

OH, MY GOD. SHE'S COMING OVER HERE.

BE COOL.

- YOU BE COOL. - YEAH.

- IS THIS THE LINE FOR THE BAR?

- I HAVE-- IF THERE'S, UM--

MOJITOS. I'M GOOD, THANKS.

- I'M SORRY?

- I'M SORRY, I THINK HE'S TRYING TO SAY THE WORD "YES."

- YEAH, YEAH. HI, I'M ALEX.

- HI, I'M HOPE.

- HI. THIS IS MY FRIEND, WHITNEY.

- WOW.

- WIFE.

- FRIEND. OKAY.

- HOW LONG HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN TOGETHER?

- FOUR YEARS.

- GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, ALEX.

- OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT.

LOOK, I-I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU.

- OKAY, TO BE CLEAR,

A HOT, FEMALE ATHLETE CAME OVER HERE,

AND YOU TRIED TO PRETEND LIKE YOU WERE--HAD--THAT YOU--

[laughs]

SORRY.

I AM TRYING VERY HARD TO BE MAD ABOUT THIS.

YOU JUST CAME OFF LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT.

- OKAY, UH, YEAH, YOU KNOW, I WAS A BIG IDIOT.

WAH-WAH.

- WHY WOULD SHE GO OUT WITH YOU?

SHE'S YOUNG, SHE'S GORGEOUS, SHE'S TALENTED.

- WELL, I GOT YOU.

- THANK YOU.

UM, SO WHAT WAS I ANGRY ABOUT?

WHITNEY IS TAPED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

- HEY. HOW WAS YOUR DATE?

- AMAZING.

- REALLY? WHAT AMAZING DATE ENDS AT 9:15?

- YOU KNOW, NOT EVERYONE WAITS TILL THE LAST CALL

TO GO HOME.

- COME ON, THIS IS, LIKE,

YOUR THIRD TIME OUT WITH HIM, ISN'T IT?

DIDN'T HE INVITE YOU BACK TO HIS PLACE OR ANYTHING?

- YEAH, HE CAN'T.

HE LIVES IN A LOFT WITH A BUNCH OF ROOMMATES,

WHICH SUCKS, 'CAUSE WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE

TO SPEND THE NIGHT TOGETHER.

- THAT IS THE PERFECT SITUATION FOR A GUY.

THERE'S THIS GIRL THAT I'VE BEEN SEEING.

THAT'S RIGHT. I'M A MAN, I HAVE NEEDS.

SO JUST CONSIDER YOURSELF ON THE BACK BURNER

UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

AND I'M REALLY INTO THE FACT

THAT SHE NEVER WANTS TO SPEND THE NIGHT.

- AND YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD THING?

- YEAH, WE ALL THINK IT'S A GOOD THING, RIGHT?

RIGHT?

- JUST SO YOU KNOW, I DON'T CARE.

- WHAT?

- THAT YOU'RE SEEING SOMEONE.

I MEAN, IT SOUNDED LIKE YOU THOUGHT I CARED,

BUT I DON'T.

SO I AM GOING TO GO TO THE BACK BURNER.

BATHROOM.

- HEY, LISTEN, MARK,

IF A GIRL DOESN'T WANT TO SLEEP OVER,

USUALLY IT MEANS THAT SHE DOESN'T SEE YOU

AS A PROVIDER, OR AT LEAST A REAL OPTION.

- YEAH, GIRLS DON'T USUALLY LEAVE

UNLESS THEY HAVE A REALLY GOOD REASON,

LIKE THEY'RE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE,

OR EVERYTHING IN YOUR PLACE IS WET.

- WELL, SHE HAS TO GET UP EARLY FOR WORK IN THE MORNING.

- OH, WHAT DOES SHE DO?

- BARTENDER.

WAIT, THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

ALL RIGHT, UH, LET ME JUST CALL HER.

HELLO?

UH, KINKO'S?

IS SHELLY THERE?

SHELLY.

- LOOK, MAN, SHELLY AIN'T THERE, OKAY?

BUT ASK TAMIKA IF MY PASSPORT PHOTO IS READY.

[cell phone chimes]

- OH, DON'T ANSWER IT.

COME ON, WE'RE WATCHING THE NEWS.

- SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE IS NOT THE NEWS.

IT'S CHLOE.

- OH.

YOUR EX-FIANCEE IS TEXTING YOU?

NOPE. I FEEL NOTHING.

- YEAH, SHE SAID SHE HAS A JOB INTERVIEW

IN THE CITY THIS WEEKEND

AND SHE WANTS TO KNOW IF SHE CAN CRASH HERE.

- YEAH...NO.

- YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING FUNNY?

- WHAT DID YOU DO?

- WELL, LAST TIME I SAW HER, I KIND OF MENTIONED

THAT IF SHE WAS EVER IN TOWN, SHE COULD CRASH HERE.

- I'M SORRY, WHAT?

- WELL, I DIDN'T EXPECT HER TO ACTUALLY TAKE ME UP ON IT.

SHE'LL JUST BE CRASHING HERE FOR ONE NIGHT.

- OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, STOP SAYING "CRASHING."

YOU'RE 30, OKAY?

SECOND OF ALL, YOU WANT YOUR EX-FIANCEE

TO STAY WITH US IN OUR ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT,

THE ONE SHE USED TO LIVE IN BEFORE ME?

- SEE, ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

- NO, IT'S WEIRD.

- OH, COME ON, DON'T BE LIKE THAT.

- YOU NEED TO CALL HER AND TELL HER

THAT SHE CANNOT STAY HERE.

- OH, YOU KNOW HOW SHE IS. SHE'S SO FRAGILE.

WHENEVER SHE GETS HER FEELINGS HURT,

SHE JUST FALLS APART.

- OKAY, SHE DOES SOUND FUN TO HANG OUT WITH,

BUT SHE CANNOT STAY HERE.

- WAIT A MINUTE.

IS THIS ABOUT ME NOT ORDERING THOSE CURTAINS YET?

'CAUSE I CAN DO IT RIGHT NOW.

I'LL PULL IT UP ONLINE. LET ME DO IT ONLINE.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THIS IS ABOUT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

OKAY, YOU'RE PUTTING ME IN A COMPLETELY

UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION.

- HOW COME YOU NEVER WEAR THAT BRACELET I GOT YOU?

- STOP TRYING TO DISTRACT ME.

I AM NOT LETTING SOME DESPERATE, BROKEN GIRL

COME STAY IN YOUR PLACE.

LAST TIME THAT HAPPENED, YOU GOT A WIFE.

THAT IS MY MOVE.

- LOOK, WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THIS ISN'T MY FAULT, ALL RIGHT?

YOU FORCED ME TO FIND CHLOE AND HAVE US RECONNECT.

- OKAY, I WANTED YOU TO GET CLOSURE WITH HER,

NOT FOR US TO BE MORMONS.

CALL HER.

- [groans]

SHE'S NOT ANSWERING.

- ALEX!

- ALL RIGHT.

HEY, CHLOE. UH, HEY, IT'S ALEX.

YEAH, UM-- OH, I'M GOOD.

UM, ABOUT SATURDAY--

UH, TURNS OUT THERE'S KIND OF A PROBLEM,

AND, UH--

UH-- OH, NO, IT'S NOT THAT.

IT'S JUST THAT, UH, WHIT'S NOT COOL WITH IT.

- ALEX, DON'T SAY THAT!

- OKAY, CHANGE OF HEART. YOU'RE CONFIRMED.

SEE YOU SATURDAY.

- CONFIRMED?

- WELL, SHE GOT QUIET, YOU GOT LOUD, I GOT SCARED.

[knock at door]

OKAY, IT'S CHLOE. PLEASE PLAY NICE.

- OKAY, I'M GOING TO BE NICE TO HER.

I'M NOT GOING TO BE NICE TO YOU.

- PERFECT, SO JUST ACT HOW YOU NORMALLY DO.

- HI, GUYS! - HI!

- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LETTING ME STAY HERE.

FUN AHEAD.

- HI. HERE, LET ME TAKE YOUR LUGGAGE.

- THANK YOU.

OH, NO.

NOT GOING TO HUG YOU, ALEX.

I'VE HAD QUITE ENOUGH OF THAT IN MY DAY.

ALSO, I DON'T THINK MY BOYFRIEND WOULD APPRECIATE

SOME STRANGE MAN'S HANDS ALL OVER ME.

- BOYFRIEND? THAT IS SO GREAT.

- NICK IS MY SOUL MATE. - OH, OKAY.

- WE MET WHEN HE SAT NEXT TO ME ON A BUS.

HELLO, FATE, NICE TO MEET YOU, RIGHT?

I-I JUST FEEL LIKE A NEW WOMAN.

IT'S LIKE, SOMETIMES I LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR,

AND I'M LIKE, "WHO ARE YOU?"

BUT THEN I'M LIKE, "OH, GIRL, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU 'CAUSE YOU'RE SMILING SO MUCH."

SIT DOWN, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

OH, WOW. HELLO AGAIN, COUCH.

THIS IS REALLY TAKING ME BACK.

WE SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON THIS THING.

- MOVIES. SHE MEANS WATCHING MOVIES.

OH, UH, PLUS, UH, WE RE-COVERED THE COUCH,

SO IT'S BASICALLY, LIKE, A NEW COUCH.

UH, WHITNEY PICKED OUT THE FABRIC.

I LOVE THE NEW FABRIC. I LOVE WHITNEY.

- HEY. - HMM?

- I'M NOT GOING TO LIE, WHITNEY.

I WAS ALSO A LITTLE BIT WORRIED ABOUT THIS.

I WAS ALL, "CHLOE, THIS MIGHT BE WEIRD, GIRL."

BUT IT'S NOT.

CHLOE, STOP BEING SO PARANOID.

- I'M SORRY, I AM LOST.

- DO YOU MIND IF I USE THE BATHROOM?

- OH, NO, NO, NO. IT'S, UH, RIGHT--

YOU KNOW WHERE IT IS, 'CAUSE YOU LIVED HERE.

- UGH, A BOTTLE OF LOTION EXPLODED IN MY BAG.

BATH AND BODY WORKS, ONE, CHLOE, ZERO.

DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING THAT I COULD SLEEP IN?

- OH, I WAS HOPING THAT YOU WOULD ASK THAT.

- OOH, OOH, ALEX, DO YOU STILL HAVE

THOSE FLANNEL PAJAMAS THAT WE GOT IN MAINE?

WHAT WAS THAT THING THAT YOU ALWAYS SAID ABOUT MAINE?

- YEAH, WHAT WAS THE THING?

- UM, IN MAINE, I WAS YOUR MAIN MAN.

- [laughs]

- WELL, I'M OBVIOUSLY LEAVING, FOR SURE.

- ME TOO. LET'S, UH, LET'S DO SOMETHING.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I'M SO HUNGRY.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU ARE STAYING HERE WITH YOUR GUEST.

I'M GOING TO GO DOWN TO MARK'S.

AND IF HE'S NOT HOME, I'LL JUST WALK INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC.

- NO, NO, NO. HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

COME ON, YOU CAN'T MAKE ME STAY IN HERE WITH HER.

IT'LL BE WEIRD.

- OH, BECAUSE IT'S NOT WEIRD NOW?

I AM GOING DOWN TO MARK'S.

FUN AHEAD.

[knock at door]

HEY, MARK, CAN I, UH, HANG OUT HERE FOR A WHILE?

- SURE. WHAT'S GOING ON?

- UH, CHLOE.

- OOH, YOU LEFT HIM ALONE UP THERE WITH HER?

- OH, UH, HE'S NOT ALONE.

APPARENTLY THERE'S, LIKE, TWO OF HER.

- HEY, SINCE YOU'RE HERE,

COULD YOU MAYBE TAKE A LOOK AROUND AND SEE

IF THERE'S ANYTHING OBVIOUS

THAT MIGHT BE MAKING WOMEN NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT?

- YOU KNOW I CAN'T SAY NO TO YOU

WHEN YOU MAKE THAT PATHETIC FACE.

- I WASN'T MAKING A FACE. THIS IS JUST MY FACE.

- WELL, FIRST OF ALL, THIS COUCH,

IT IS REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

WE'VE JUST NEVER TOLD YOU BEFORE 'CAUSE WE DON'T WANT

TO HELP YOU MOVE A NEW ONE IN HERE.

OH, YOU ONLY HAVE RED KEG CUPS AND PAPER PLATES.

- SMART, HUH?

- WHAT THIS SAYS TO WOMEN

IS THAT EVERYTHING IS DISPOSABLE TO YOU,

AND THAT YOU CAN'T COMMIT TO ANYTHING.

- OR THAT IT'S ALWAYS LIKE AN AWESOME KEG PARTY IN HERE.

WHEN YOU SAY IT OUT LOUD, IT DOES SOUND SAD.

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

WHAT--WHAT-- WHY DO YOU HAVE A BUNCH

OF WOMEN'S HAIR BANDS AND BOBBY PINS?

- GIRLS ARE ALWAYS LEAVING THAT STUFF HERE,

SO I PUT THEM IN A PILE IN CASE THE NEXT GIRL NEEDS ONE.

- NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

- HAVE YOU SEEN MY LAPTOP?

OH, YOU'RE ON IT.

- I'M iCHATTING WITH YOUR MOM.

I HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO HER IN AGES.

- YEAH, I GUESS I GOT HER IN THE BREAKUP.

LOOK, CHLOE, GET OFF MY COMPUTER.

I NEED TO USE IT.

AND STOP TALKING TO MY MOM.

SHE'S CONFUSED ENOUGH ABOUT WHITNEY AND I'S RELATIONSHIP

AS IT IS.

[cell phone chimes]

- OH, THIS IS NICK.

OKAY, HE'S BEEN FREAKING OUT ALL DAY

BECAUSE HE THINKS THAT I LIED TO HIM

ABOUT WHERE I'M STAYING, SO JUST BE QUIET.

- OKAY.

- [soft voice] HEY, BABY.

DID YOU WIN THAT SWORD ON eBAY?

- CHLOE! - ALEX!

- [groans]

- NICK.

OKAY, I AM STAYING WITH ALEX,

BUT THE ONLY REASON WHY I DIDN'T TELL YOU

WAS BECAUSE I KNEW THAT YOU WOULD BE JEALOUS,

AND IT'S REALLY NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.

NO, PLEASE, DON'T HANG UP!

HE HUNG UP.

- IS HE MAD?

- NO.

HE WILL COOL DOWN, AND HE WILL CALL ME BACK.

CHLOE, CHLOE, CHLOE.

YOU ARE A STRONG QUEEN.

AND YOU ARE THE PERFECT WEIGHT FOR YOUR HEIGHT.

[cell phone chimes]

OKAY, THERE HE IS.

WOW, NO.

NO, THANK YOU.

HE BROKE UP WITH ME.

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU--WHAT--

YOU'RE THE PERFECT WEIGHT FOR YOUR HEIGHT, OR--

- IT HAPPENED. IT'S HAPPENING.

- ARE YOU OKAY?

- HE SAID THAT MY STAYING HERE IS COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE.

WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?

- ME?

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT ASKED TO STAY HERE.

- YOU OFFERED.

- YOU ACCEPTED.

- FIRST OF ALL, STOP YELLING AT ME.

- NO, I'M NOT-- OH, OKAY.

I FORGET HOW TO FIGHT WITH YOU.

DON'T YOU USUALLY START CRYING, AND--

- [sobbing]

- HERE IT IS.

AND NOW YOU'RE IN THE BED.

- IT'S LIL.

both: HI.

- HEY.

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING OUT WITH THAT GUY AGAIN.

- OH, YEAH. I'M ON MY WAY.

WE'RE MEETING AT OUR USUAL FOOD TRUCK,

AND THEN WE'LL MAKE OUT IN THE PARK

UNTIL IT GETS SCARY.

- YOU'RE EATING FROM A FOOD TRUCK,

AND THE PARK IS SCARY?

- WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAVE OUR OWN PLACE TO GO BACK TO,

EVEN FOR JUST A NIGHT,

OR EVEN A FEW HOURS.

BUT...OH, WELL.

HOW'S MY HAIR LOOK BEFORE I GET STICKS IN IT?

- HEY, I THINK WHAT LILY IS HINTING AT

IS THAT SHE WANTS SOME ALONE TIME WITH THIS DUDE

IN YOUR PLACE.

- YOU'RE ASKING ME TO LEAVE MY APARTMENT

SO YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE IN IT?

- YEAH.

- YOU'RE EXACTLY LIKE MY EX-HUSBAND.

- JUST LET HER USE YOUR PLACE.

- WHY DON'T YOU LET HER USE YOUR PLACE?

- I WOULD, BUT I DON'T KNOW Y'ALL LIKE THAT.

- [groans] I--

I MEAN, I GUESS I CAN JUST KEEP MYSELF BUSY UNTIL--

WHAT TIME DOES THIS PLACE CLOSE?

- LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW.

- ALL RIGHT, FINE. OKAY, GO AHEAD.

- OH, THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU.

- HEY, THAT IS REALLY NICE OF YOU, ROX,

LETTING YOUR FRIEND GET WITH SOME STRANGE DUDE IN YOUR BED.

- OH, WELL, SOMEONE SHOULD.

- SHOULD I GET RID OF THESE BOBBLEHEADS?

AND REPLACE THEM WITH, LIKE, WHAT?

PORCELAIN CATS?

- MARK, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH?

FOR THE RIGHT GIRL,

NONE OF THIS SUPERFICIAL STUFF WILL MATTER.

LOOK, EVERY GUY I'VE EVER DATED

HATED THE FACT THAT I SLEEP WITH THE TV ON.

I LEAVE IT ON ALL NIGHT.

- UGH, I HATE THAT.

- EVERYBODY DOES.

BUT ALEX HAS NEVER MENTIONED IT ONCE.

- SO IT'S MORE ABOUT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON?

AWESOME.

IN THAT CASE, I'M GOING TO KEEP ALL MY JEANS

AT THE END OF MY BED.

- HEY. - HEY.

- UH, LISTEN, DO YOU MIND

IF I TALK TO WHITNEY ALONE FOR A SECOND?

- DO YOU WANT ME TO GO TO ANOTHER ROOM

AND PRETEND TO DO SOMETHING?

- YEAH, OR YOU COULD JUST DO SOMETHING.

- NO, I'LL PRETEND.

- SO, UH, HOW'S IT GOING UP THERE?

- UH, IT'S NOT IDEAL.

UM, LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING.

ALL RIGHT, I KNOW THAT IT WAS TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE,

AND I CROSSED A LINE.

BUT SOMETIMES, IT'S REALLY HARD TO TELL WHERE YOUR LINE IS.

- SO THIS IS MY FAULT?

- WELL, NO, I JUST-- IT'S CONFUSING.

I MEAN, YOU THOUGHT THAT HOPE SOLO THING WAS FUNNY.

I MEAN, YOU FORCED ME TO HAVE A LAP DANCE

WHEN WE WERE IN MICHIGAN.

- IT'S JUST-- I HAVE A BAD BACK.

I LIKE TO FARM THAT STUFF OUT.

- SEE, YOU'RE SO COOL ABOUT STUFF

THAT GIRLS ARE JUST USUALLY NOT COOL ABOUT.

- OKAY, WELL, THEN DON'T PUNISH ME FOR THAT.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE GIRLFRIEND

WHO'S CONSTANTLY LAYING DOWN RULES.

DON'T MAKE ME BE THAT GIRL.

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? I GET IT, AND I'M SORRY.

- IT'S OKAY.

- GOOD, OKAY.

SO, SINCE IT'S OKAY AND EVERYTHING,

AND SINCE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND YOU'RE SO PRETTY--

I MEAN, YOU REALLY ARE A STUNNER.

UM, CAN YOU JUST BE COOL ONE MORE TIME?

AND THAT TIME IS NOW?

WE KIND OF HAVE AN UNPLEASANT SITUATION GOING ON--

[whistles] UP THERE.

- OH, NO, DID YOU NOT TELL CHLOE ABOUT THE DOUBLE FLUSH?

- WELL, UH, NO, UM--

CHLOE'S BOYFRIEND BROKE UP WITH HER,

AND NOW I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET HER OUT OF OUR BED.

- COME ON, COME ON. OKAY, NO, HONEY.

NO, NO, NO. BACK TO THE COUCH.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE ABLE TO LIE DOWN IN ABOUT ONE SECOND.

LOOK AT THE-- IT LOOKS LIKE--

- HERE. - NO, NOT THERE.

IT LOOKS LIKE A BED. IT'S, LIKE, A HALF A BED.

LOOK, COME ON. THERE WE GO, THERE WE GO, BABY.

OKAY, OKAY, JUST STAY HERE.

I'M GOING TO, UH, GET YOU SOME WATER.

- YES. - WATER, WATER.

- OH, WHIT, THAT WAS AMAZING.

NOBODY GETS CHLOE OUT OF BED.

- OH, GOD.

I AM NOT PROUD OF WHAT I DID IN THERE.

AND SHE'S GOING TO BE VERY SORE TOMORROW.

- MY LIFE SUCKS.

- LOOK, CHLOE, YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY, ALL RIGHT?

WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU THROUGH THIS.

I'M JUST GOING TO CALL YOU A CAB.

- NO. WOULD YOU JUST--

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

BUT COME ON, SHE KEEPS CRYING.

CAN YOU JUST PLEASE MAKE HER STOP?

- I'M TRYING.

YOU DATED HER FOR TWO YEARS.

HOW DID YOU USED TO GET HER TO STOP CRYING?

- I THINK THAT, IF I DID THAT,

UH, THAT WOULD PROBABLY MAKE YOU MAD.

OH, BUT HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THEN I'D MAKE HER A SANDWICH.

- OKAY. OKAY.

OKAY, HERE, CHLOE. HERE'S SOME WATER.

- WHIT-WHIT? - YEAH?

- NICK WAS THE PERFECT GUY.

I MEAN, I FEEL LIKE I'LL NEVER FIND SOMEONE AS GREAT AS--

- NO, NO. THAT IS A NO.

GET OUT OF THERE. YOU CANNOT ROMANTICIZE HIM.

OKAY, THE KEY TO GETTING OVER A BREAKUP

IS FOCUSING ON HIS BAD QUALITIES.

SO, UH, JUST THINK OF SOME THINGS

THAT REALLY BOTHERED YOU ABOUT HIM.

- OKAY, UM--

WELL, I THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY GROSS

THAT HE NEVER SHAVED HIS BEARD.

AND HE HAD THIS WHOLE, LIKE, SLOPPY, STONER, HIPSTER VIBE.

- OKAY, OKAY.

UM, UH, WHAT ELSE? KEEP GOING.

- HE HAS NO ATTENTION SPAN.

WE WOULD BE IN THE MIDDLE OF A SERIOUS, INTIMATE SITUATION,

AND HE WOULD JUST GET DISTRACTED BY THE WEIRDEST THINGS.

- HEY, DUDE, WHAT'S UP?

I'M EATING ONE OF YOUR GUYS' PICKLES,

AND, UH, I GOT A QUESTION.

NO, IT'S NOT AN EMERGENCY.

WELL, THAT WAS RUDE.

- OH, MY GOD.

EPIPHANY.

OF COURSE THIS HAPPENED WITH NICK.

HE'S EXACTLY LIKE ALEX,

AND ALEX WAS EXACTLY LIKE BRENT,

AND BRENT WAS EXACTLY LIKE PETER.

- THIS IS GOOD. YOU'RE THINKING CLEARLY.

AND LOOK, CHLOE, YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THESE GUYS.

- HEY.

- I DIDN'T SAY I DID.

- THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH, WHITNEY. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

- I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. - GOOD.

- THANK YOU. - GOOD, GOOD, GIRL.

- OH, WOW.

OH, ALEX?

I'M GOING TO GO AHEAD AND TAKE MY SANDWICH IN THE TUB.

THANK YOU.

- WHIT, THAT WAS AMAZING.

OKAY, I GUESS I'LL JUST TAKE THIS SANDWICH OVER TO CHLOE.

OH, HEY, NO, NO, I WON'T,

BECAUSE THAT'S COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE,

BECAUSE SHE'S NAKED IN THE TUB,

AND THAT WOULDN'T BE, UH, OKAY WITH YOU, OBVIOUSLY.

- [laughs]

VERY GOOD.

SO I GUESS THAT MEANS I WILL TAKE THIS TO HER IN THE TUB.

HER PICKLE AND BREAD SANDWICH.

[knock at door]

- HEY, MARK.

CAN I COME IN?

OR ARE YOU ENTERTAINING A BASIC BITCH?

- NOPE. COME ON IN.

- I GAVE LILY THE NIGHT ALONE WITH HER NEW GUY,

SO CAN I HANG OUT HERE FOR A BIT?

I MEAN, I TRIED WHITNEY'S FIRST, BUT--

- CHLOE.

YEAH, STAY AS LONG AS YOU WANT.

SORRY ABOUT THE COUCH.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I LIKE YOUR COUCH.

- OH. OKAY.

UH, HEY, YOU WANT A DRINK OR SOMETHING?

I GOT VODKA IN THE FREEZER.

- OH, PLEASE. [chuckles]

OH, YOU CAN JUST PUT IT IN ONE OF THOSE KEG CUPS.

MAKES IT A PARTY.

OOH, BOBBY PIN.

MY BANGS ARE DRIVING ME INSANE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE I'LL LET LILY HAVE THE PLACE ALL NIGHT,

AND I'LL JUST STAY HERE ON YOUR COUCH.

I MEAN, IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU.

- YEAH, THAT'D BE-- OF COURSE, YEAH.

- BUT DON'T COME NEAR ME DURING THE HOUR THAT I SLEEP,

OR I WILL CHOKE YOU OUT.