Original subtitles

Move along, there. Get back. Leave a bit of room there.

Come on. Get back there, please.

Look, here he comes.

- He's lovely. - Would you sign this?

Really, I'm just a guest here today.

We never miss your program on the telly.

Neither do I.

- More to your left. - This way.

Come on there, leave room.

It really is vulgar of you, Robert, to bring your wretched television fans with you.

I didn't bring them, dear lady. They simply materialized.

How do you do?

Don't you know each other? Robert Danvers, Julia Halforde-Smythe.

Enchanted.

You can ignore the charm, Julia. He's a rotter. Not your style at all.

Come on, get back. Let them out.

- Doesn't she look ravishing in white? - Yes.

So pure, so virginal.

Come along, Julia, I think we'd better move inside.

Just one moment. Nice smile, please. Thank you.

We were saying, Freddie, weren't we...

it's such a joy to see someone with breeding on the television...

instead of those young savages with their banjos.

Quite.

The fellow's as black as the ace of spades, but surprisingly decent.

Really? Then some of them are, aren't they?

Then the bloody fox turned 'round and set about the leading hound.

How very unsporting of it.

So they've taken Pinkie onto the board. Save him dozing all day in Parliament.

You know Pinkie.

Tell me, do you have a proper job?

I mean when you're not doing this television stuff?

I perform abortions. Didn't you know?

Excuse me.

I hope you'll be able to come to the annual garden fete this year.

- Yes, when is it? - Next Saturday.

You weren't able to come last year, were you?

- No, we were away. - Yes.

Will your husband be able to come with you as well?

...wood off the fairway, and it went on a terrible...

- Slice? - Slice, yes.

Do forgive me.

I'm going up to change now, Willie. Don't chat for too long, will you?

Okay, kitten. Off you go.

I must say, she's looking absolutely...

Yes.

I mean, she's really quite...

She is.

Yes.

What is the word? How would one put it?

- "Lovely." - Yes.

Yes, that's it. "Lovely."

Who's there?

It's you.

Am I disturbing you?

You're an absolute bastard, coming here like this.

- I wanted to see you. - Why?

For one last time.

For God's sake, it was you who threw me over.

Claire, how can you say that? You know I was shattered.

- Not shattered enough to marry me. - I know.

I was a fool. A blind fool.

What's the use of saying that now, today?

You look stunning today, Claire. Immaculate.

Like virgin snow.

Do I?

My God, but you're lovely.

No, Robert.

We had six glorious months. This is our last time.

That's out.

Isn't it better to end with a bang than a whimper?

- Someone may come in. - I locked the door.

- You only want me for one thing. - But what a lovely thing.

- Who is it? - Do you need any help, darling?

- No, Mommy. I can manage. - Don't forget the plane.

Will you be long?

Tell her five minutes.

My God, at least make it 10.

For they're a jolly good couple

and so say all of us

That's a wonderful girl you're getting. She's going to make you very happy.

Lose it gracefully, darling.

- Bye-bye, Mother. - Bye, dear boy.

- Bye, old man. - Bye-bye, son. Have a lovely time.

Good luck.

Bye, darling.

Weren't they just wonderful?

Let's go in now and have a drink. I could do with one.

I must say, she really looked beautiful, didn't she?

Back to London, I suppose.

Weddings always make me feel hungry. I wonder why?

We might have something to eat together, somewhere.

We might.

Where's your favorite place?

Aren't you the expert?

There's a tiny restaurant...

rather off the beaten track, that I'd like you to know about.

The menu is limited...

but very tasty and beautifully balanced.

As for the decor, it is discreet without being elegant...

the seating comfortable, and the atmosphere intimate...

whilst the lighting subtly enhances...

even the most ravishing companion.

The wines, too, are well chosen.

As a matter of fact, I had a hand in that.

Although the list is small...

as are the number of diners who are lucky enough to eat there...

that's not a bad thing.

Hear, hear.

For my part, I think that far too much attention these days is paid to quantity...

and not nearly enough to quality.

For example, how is this for starters?

Lady Heather was right.

You are a rotter.

You have a delicious flavor.

So, having set one's taste buds bursting, we come to the main dish.

A sort of shish kebab or skewered lamb.

These are meticulously selected cuts...

impaled with onions and garlic for flavor...

and turned over and over a bare flame...

until the meat sizzles and the juices run out.

For pudding or sweet or afters, I prefer the word "pudding" myself...

the banana surprise was a masterpiece.

- You're wonderful. - I know I am.

But, please, no more.

My God, but you're lovely.

So there we are, then...

a simple little menu that anyone could knock up at home.

That's all.

And until we meet again next week, good night.

You have been watching Robert Danvers' Good Taste.

Written, devised and produced by Robert Danvers.

Wines chosen and all dishes selected by Robert Danvers.

- What's this, then? - It won't poison you, you've had it before.

I'll bet I have. Cow.

Look, I'm not waiting in all night for you to finish that, you know.

I know.

- Evening, John. - Evening, Mr. Hunter.

Is the connoisseur of wine, women and two veg. back?

He is back, sir, but he's got company.

At 6:30? In the middle of the rush hour?

I think he's working them in shifts. I don't know what he's got...

but they go in and out of there like a women's relay race.

He must be very fit.

You should see this one, sir. Legs on her right up to her bum.

Not like my missus. Her ass comes down to meet her knees.

- John, taxi, please. - Right away, sir.

- Andrew, you're early. - No, as a matter of fact, I'm a bit late.

- You two know each other? - No.

This is Andrew Hunter, editor of a magazine I write for.

How do you do?

And this is...

- Sorry, what did you say your name was? - I didn't.

Of course you didn't. How stupid of me.

We have a taxi waiting.

Nice to have met you, Miss...

That's it, Miss... Stay tuned, back in a moment.

- Your supper's gone stone cold. - All right, I'm coming.

Don't know why I waste my time.

You ought to have some women to deal with.

Wish I had.

- Nothing like home cooking, John. - No, sir, nothing.

- What a slob you are, Robert. - What?

You treat your sex life like a continuous wine-tasting.

Roll them around and spit them out.

I know why married men live longer. They're half-dead already.

Nonsense.

All that sex is just a substitute for the real thing.

Who needs the real thing with a substitute like that?

Daddy.

Abby won't let me kick the ball.

- You have to get it off her, that's the game. - But she keeps picking it up.

- Kick her, then she'll put it down. - Okay.

Anyway, it's time you gave up all this philandering.

- How old are you now? 40-what? - About that.

Daddy!

Don't bother Daddy now, Abigail, he's busy.

But Barnaby kicked me.

- Kick him back. - All right.

Come on, now, Andrew, admit it.

Wouldn't you give your eyeteeth to be single, just for one week?

- Not for a day. - All right, you're too senile for sex.

I am not.

Yes, darling?

Have you been telling the children to kick each other?

Kick, darling? Not exactly.

Honestly, you're hopeless.

Just look at you. You're the same age as me...

but you act like my grandfather.

If you didn't rush off to that health farm so often...

to have your flue raked out, you'd have clinkered up years ago.

Who on earth is this?

Can't you look at a girl without actually lathering up?

Telephone, Mr. Hunter, from France.

That'll be about your wine-tasting trip.

- They are waiting for you, monsieur. - Thank you.

You'd better hurry, hadn't you?

Do give it a rest, old chap.

You speak English, do you?

Yes, but...only very small.

Paola!

Airplane, please.

But you're so heavy.

Here, let me. Come on.

You take this arm and I'll take this leg and...

And one...two...

Do you like Chinese food?

- Very much. - Good.

You know the little book by the telephone?

- The address book? - Yes.

My telephone number is in it.

Can you use chopsticks?

Good. A little sake, perhaps?

And then afterwards, who knows?

- That sounds wonderful. - Yes.

My God, but you're lovely.

My Arabella, Cinderella, what does she do?

You know she should have done it way back at midnight

Why, oh, why could she not get a thing right?

It could be cultural, I suppose.

Sure it's the right address?

But I stand up tall

Excuse me. Is that the Goodwins', down there?

'Cause she gets it all wrong And her love is so strong

Yes, everything's all right by me

Yes, that looks more like it. Boredom dripping from every lip.

Come on. I can't wait to get at the cheese straws.

Yes, I'll get my car keys.

Thank you for being so helpful.

- Come on. - I'll be up in a minute. I'm badly parked.

Here you are. I thought you'd fallen down a plug hole.

Come on, Mari. I like the idea, what about it?

- The bus stop's down the road. - I beg your pardon?

- You'll just catch one if you hurry. - Yes, thank you very much.

He'll know us next time, won't he?

- Come on. - Get away.

Okay. When you've calmed down a bit, I'll see you downstairs.

Miss me in the morning

Let me know, I give you warning

And I'll be around to see you right away

At the break of the day

And if you last the night without me

Your party looks like fun.

Forget about me

- Where do you live? - Not far.

- How far? - Two minutes in my car.

You'll see me no more

Let's go.

Miss me in the morning

Down from the States?

One of them.

You've been in England long?

Too long.

I'm sorry.

Why?

Here we are.

Do you approve?

Of what?

- What would you like to drink? - What have you got?

There's sherry, brandy, whisky, scotch or rye...

a few liqueurs: Dubonnet, Campari, slivovitz...

port, vodka, ouzo, sake.

Or we could even be devils and split a bottle of the old champagne, what?

Got any beer?

There's some rubbing alcohol in the medicine cabinet, if you'd care for that.

Scotch.

Yes, right.

- Here, let me take that for you. - No, I've got it.

There's a cupboard just to the left, you'll find.

Anything wrong?

Just kidding around.

- Please do, if you wish. - What?

- Leave. - You want me to?

Of course not.

Come on, say when.

You must be loaded.

I suppose I'm what you might call comfortably off, yes.

Yes, I'll bet.

- Cheers. - Cheers. Do sit down.

That was quite a party.

Do you go to many like that?

- Do you? - God, no. I couldn't live above that crowd.

You could hear the drummer halfway down the street.

Him. That exhibitionist. He's lousy.

He's been playing too many one-night stands. It's gone to his head.

Anyway, he's a gas fitter's mate, that's his real job.

- Can I have another one, please? - Of course.

Were you leaving, just now?

- Did you think I was? - I wasn't sure.

I was just trying to keep one-up on you for a bit longer.

- One-up? - I was looking for your name on the door.

- You mean you don't know my name? - No.

- Nor who I am? - Should I?

- It's just that I was under the impression-- - What is it, then?

I am Robert Danvers.

How nice for you.

Who am I?

- I've no idea. - See?

You see, we haven't exactly been formally introduced, have we?

- What is your name? - Marion.

Marion. How beautiful.

Can I have another drink?

If you're going to pour that stuff down, would you care for something to eat?

- Can you cook? - Within reason. What would you like?

Bread. A piece of bread.

- Just bread? - To soak it up.

Yes, of course.

- What are you, a mortician or something? - What?

A mortician. This is the kind of music they play in funeral parlors.

- I've been wondering about you. - Why?

- And interested. - In what?

Why do you always answer a question with another question?

Why do you?

- You wanted another drink? - Are you trying to get me tight?

You're frightening enough sober.

That chap you were chatting with on the pavement...

- You mean making it with? - I suppose I did.

He just happened to be passing.

Tell me...

do you often make it with chaps who are passing?

- Sometimes. Do you? - With chaps, no.

- Keep still a moment. - What's the matter?

You have a speck...

just...

there.

There you are.

Thank you.

What's so funny?

Nothing.

Good.

That party, what was it? Drink or drugs?

Who cares?

Amazing thing, progress.

A few years ago, a bottle of Spanish wine...

and an aspirin, last word in sin.

You sound just like my father.

Thank you.

- I've upset you. - No.

- You're sore. - I'm not.

Then why are you back there?

It's more comfortable...

and I can see you. And you're very pretty to look at.

"Stunning" is the word that springs to mind.

- Have you got to get home? - Why?

- You keep looking at your watch. - I'm timing you.

- Timing me? - You didn't bring me here to look at me.

I was under the impression that you brought me.

- Next you'll be shouting "rape." - If you like, yes.

If I like?

It took you exactly nine minutes and 40 seconds...

to say something even remotely connected with sex.

What was that?

There's always a bit of yak about sex before the pass.

- It's to get you in the mood. - To get who in the mood?

The girl. You're already in it.

Having got around to it, you come and sit next to me...

that took another 20 seconds, that's 10 minutes in all.

Most fellows I know would have made a grab as we walked through the door.

They're too lazy to chat you up.

They walk around in tight jeans so you can look at the goods...

and make up your own mind.

But you, you don't put the goods in the store window.

You bring me home, prove to me you're loaded...

drop big hints about who you are, and I'm supposed to be impressed...

and run back to my girlfriends and say:

"Hey, guys, guess who did me the big favor last night?"

You don't even like me, do you?

- I don't know you. - I mean, the look of me.

You're no chicken, are you?

- So, why did you come home with me? - Why not?

And if I made a pass at you now, what would your reaction be?

You want the results before you place the bet.

What do you reckon the odds are?

Look, may I ask you a question without getting a question in reply?

It depends.

Why did you say just now you wanted to keep one-up on me a bit longer?

Supply and demand, I suppose.

I'm in demand, and until I supply, I'm one-up.

And a bit longer?

The final result is never much in doubt, is it?

You ought to watch that little laugh, it's a dead giveaway.

I don't think I could cross that bit of floor between us...

any more than I could climb Everest.

Don't worry, you'll manage, sooner or later.

You're so cold-blooded.

- And what about you? - Me?

Do you want to marry me?

- What? - Do you?

- No. - Do you want to pay for it?

Pay for it?

- Good God, are you-- - No, just establishing.

You don't want commitments and you're too stingy to pay--

My dear girl, it's not a question of stinginess.

All right, let's put it another way.

You think it would be an insult to your virility if you had to pay.

So, here you are, you're onto a good thing.

No complications and no cost.

- If that's not cold-blooded, what is? - Absolute nonsense.

Your argument implies a form of sexual bartering that no longer exists.

Crap.

- What? - Crap.

But your attitude negates the whole fun of being male and female.

The whole artifice of flirtation and love-play. The final mutual pleasure.

As a matter of fact, there are some people who'd say...

that the female gets more pleasure--

You mean I would enjoy you as much as you would me?

Probably more, yes.

Granted, you're prettier than I am...

but a man, a mature man...

has something far richer to offer than mere good looks.

That's fabulous.

- How old are you? -19.

Good God.

How old are you?

Cigarette?

You've crossed that bit of floor.

What is it? What's the matter?

It's all right, I don't mind if you want to have me.

Thank you.

It's about the most beguiling invitation I've ever had.

Don't you want to?

I want to very much.

- Where's the john? - What?

John? Through there.

Maybe I'd better go now, before you get too worked up.

No one could possibly accuse you of being over-romantic, could they?

What do you expect?

Just that you might show a bit of enthusiasm, that's all.

- Do I have to enjoy it, too? - That was the idea of it, yes.

Do you mind if I skip the ecstasy bit this time?

We'll see about that.

- What are you, a weirdo or something? - Why do you ask?

All these mirrors.

It amuses me.

What's so amusing about staring at yourself on the throne?

You must be a weirdo, that bed's red-hot.

My God, it's the electric blanket. I forgot to switch it off.

I'm so sorry. I thought it would take the chill off the bed.

Look, I know I sort of threw myself at you and...

That's all right.

Now I've sort of gone off the boil.

Don't you worry about that. I'll soon put you back on it.

It's just that I wouldn't want to disappoint you.

You won't.

And I'm willing to bet that I won't disappoint you.

Okay.

- You know that party? - Yes.

- It was my party. - Yours?

I live there. I guess you could call it that.

And that guy on the drums...

- his name's Jimmy. - Of course.

You know, when I first got here, I went with a friend of Jimmy's called Mark.

- Mark? - Suddenly, he became horrible to me.

So Jimmy got me to leave Mark and come and live with him.

And now Jimmy's been nasty.

Oh, dear.

Bryan was kissing me when you saw us, and trying to get me to go with him.

Bryan is Jimmy's friend.

He said that Jimmy asked him...

to take me over and get me out of the way because of Caroline.

Good heavens.

And I know that 'cause two weeks ago, Peter made a pass at me.

Peter's another friend.

Only I don't like him, so I didn't go with him.

Anyway, it's just as well, because he's in the hospital with the dose.

Caroline's Bryan's girl...

and Jimmy's got her now.

That's how Jimmy got me.

They're all passing me around like a tray of cakes.

Just have a nibble and pass her on.

You know...

it isn't very nice being passed around.

Where are you going?

I thought you wanted to go to bed.

I can't imagine what gave you that idea.

Good night.

Listen to this:

"Vicar, 63, runs off with 18-year-old Sunday-school mistress."

I don't know what these grown men see in these young girls, I really don't.

No.

- Are you going to sit there all day, then? - Let me finish me tea, can't you?

And there's lover-boy's bagels. He'll be buzzing down for them shortly.

- Somebody's at the door. - Then answer it.

Morning, sir. Morning, miss.

- Lovely morning. - Is it?

Slept well, I hope?

- Why? Didn't you? - Me?

His lordship all right, is he?

I think so.

Think so?

Look, is there anything I can do for you?

Actually, I brought his bagels, but...

Bleeding bagels.

Come along, if you're ready.

- What did you say your name was? - Robert...

I see you found out.

Yes, I am the Robert Danvers.

Right, here we are, off we go.

Is that all you do, just eat for a living?

And write, teach, create, criticize, appear on television...

buy foods and wines, many things.

I'll drop you off at your apartment.

- And then goodbye? - That's right, yes.

I'd like to thank you.

- What for? - For not having me last night.

It was no effort, I assure you.

I don't suppose you'd like me to stay a few days?

I'm going to France tomorrow.

- Then your apartment will be empty? - And locked up.

That's me, the disposable girl. Use me once and then throw me away.

I haven't used you, so don't come the hard-luck story with me.

Thank you. Goodbye.

One last word of advice, young lady.

You're 19, and what is commonly called a pushover.

- Had it been anyone else but me last night-- - I know.

If you continue like this, by the time you're 21, you're going to...

You're too lovely to go throwing yourself at any man...

to let them take advantage of you.

- What's so funny? - Just the words you used, "take advantage."

- I'm telling you this for your own good. - Thank you.

Now would you do just one last thing for my own good?

- What's that? - Help me get my bags out.

I'm sorry, I'm too busy this morning.

You give advice, but when it comes to doing anything...

Just a minute.

All right, come on.

Now then, what about this Jimmy character?

Don't worry, it'll all be very civilized.

Get up, you sloppy, fat-assed, red-eyed jerk!

Jesus Christ!

Come on, it stinks in here. You need some fresh air!

It's you, I might have known.

Go on, get your ass out of here. Don't think you're going back to sleep.

I want you out of here, you bastard!

I do hope I'm not disturbing you.

Do you hear me? I'm getting out of this crummy joint!

I'm packing it in.

For God's sake, do you mind?

- What the hell's going on? - I think it's a raid.

Oh, God.

It's the police.

The police? Quick, Nigel, where are my knickers?

Now, don't panic.

They're in my jacket, breast pocket. Come on.

Go on, get out! I have to pack.

- Go on, beat it! - All right, just don't shout.

Christ, my head.

- Got any aspirin? - Not on me, no.

Out there, in the bathroom. Get them, would you?

There.

Yes.

How could you?

How could you, with that hag-bag!

- Stop shouting, can't you? - And that belly.

It's either too many buns or she's got one in the oven.

- She hasn't. - I hope she has.

I hope her old man makes it with the shotgun, then you'll be good and stuck.

- I thought you went with Bryan last night? - Did you?

- Didn't you? - What's it to you?

Don't start that stupid question bit again, for Christ's sake.

- Why not? - I've been worried about you.

Worried about me?

You lying punk! Pretending you give a damn!

- Stop. - You wanted me out...

so you could move her in, you louse!

- Mind that guitar, I tell you. - Up yours!

Look, will you listen to... Christ, my head.

I hope your head breaks open and all your brains spill out all over the place...

and you tread on them and fall over.

Gruesome turn of phrase, hasn't she?

My eyes feel like two piss-holes in the snow.

Ta.

I reckon I could grow mushrooms on my tongue.

What about women?

Just because I'm moving Caroline in, she starts screaming blue murder.

That's only natural, isn't it?

Natural? Why? Caroline will be company for her.

Cut the housework in half, they'd be laughing.

No, it's too reasonable.

Frigging women.

Tell you, if I didn't fancy them so much, I reckon I'd change sides.

Of course, that's because she's upset.

Upset? Her? What about me?

You can hardly expect her to enjoy sharing you.

Why not?

Most blokes are having it off with birds all over the place.

I just want to get mine under the same roof. Save myself a bloody fortune, mate.

Right, we're off. Ready, Robert?

Here, hang on. Is he with you?

Are you...

Look here, Mari, anything's better than that. You can't stay with him.

She's not staying with me.

There, see the sort of bloke he is? One night, then out.

Anyway, what is so offensive about her being with me?

I mean...

Shouldn't you know better at your age?

Please, Robert, my cases, would you get them?

Where did you find that?

I don't know how you can stand an old git like him touching you after me.

Anyone would be good after you.

Come back.

Think of the great times I'll give you.

Don't touch me. Go touch her instead!

It's off. Me bloody head's come off.

I'm blind, my God, I'm blind!

What happened? Are you all right?

Of course I'm not all right. Who the bloody hell did that?

Was that you, you stupid, clumsy, bloody twit?

Don't you start shouting.

You oaf, you idiot, you filthy, awful wreck!

God, I can't see anything.

Here, cut that out. I don't like it.

Then don't watch.

Why the hell I got mixed up with you juvenile delinquents, God only knows.

Shut up. You're not the only one who's hurt.

How dare you tell me to shut up. I'm practically blinded here.

- Give him a white stick and kick him out. - Get lost, you.

I can't see anything. The string in my eye's gone.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, making up to an old geezer like him.

I'll bet you never thought you'd drive me to this.

Look, that's enough.

You are the most arrogant young idiot I've ever laid my eyes on...

what's left of them.

You imagine that if a woman even looks at you it must be love...

and that any man over 40... 34...

I mean 35, must be repellant.

Let's face it. Chicks don't go out with old geezers like you...

for their lovely profiles, do they?

I can beat you to any woman.

You what?

Yes. Any woman, any place, any time.

Come along, Marion.

Goodbye!

Here, you'd better watch out for your truss, mate!

Did you notice he was really jealous? I mean, he really flipped out.

I never thought he gave a damn. Saying those things to put me off, too.

You have had a lousy time, haven't you?

All this trouble...

a smack in the eye and not even a quick flash to show.

We still haven't decided where we're taking you yet, have we?

I don't know what he was talking about.

You kiss very well.

There has been the occasional female in my life who hasn't found me...

completely repulsive.

My God, but you're lovely.

My God, but you're corny.

Save it.

All that's fine in theory, but it doesn't work in practice.

Where did you learn to make love, in a laboratory?

Now where are you off to?

Cigarettes and things for after.

As a matter of fact, it was the drive-in movie.

What was showing?

I never did find out. Why?

I'm curious.

No, I know it wasn't that.

Anyway, from where I was, I couldn't see too well.

Good girl.

Now what?

How very romantic you are.

I ought to bloody well put you across my knee.

Okay, come on.

What's the matter? Can't you stand the pace?

No, I can't.

Middle-aged Romeos should lay off young girls if they can't stand the pace.

Come on, you'd better go. Go on, get out.

- You really want me to? - Passionately.

Now what?

I love you.

For God's sake, don't start that.

Don't you want to try again?

No.

You sure?

My God, but you're...

Come on, say it, please.

You are. You're very lovely.

And so are you.

You're very nice, handsome.

Aren't you going to...

take advantage of me now that I want you to?

I should.

Don't worry...

I promise I won't laugh.

Aren't you going to take his bagels up?

He'll ring down when he wants them.

Got another one up there, has he?

Yes.

Is that all you've got to say?

Yes.

Be a nice world, wouldn't it, if all men carried on like him?

Yes.

- Morning, John. - Good morning, sir.

Is his lordship up and about?

I don't know, sir. He's been very quiet since yesterday.

Has he?

Good morning.

Can I help you?

Is himself in?

He's in the shower.

Would it be convenient if I waited?

I suppose so. What do you think?

I think it'd be delightful.

Thank you.

I've brought some proofs for him to check before he leaves for France.

- By the way, my name is Andrew Hunter. - So you're Andrew?

Yes.

- Would you like some breakfast? - No, thank you.

I made breakfast for him.

- You did? - Yeah, pancakes and maple syrup.

Good heavens!

Do I amuse you?

Sorry, it's Robert's description of you.

I imagined someone quite different.

Not quite the young Apollo you see before you.

Not quite.

Don't you want to sit down?

Thank you.

Robert has this thing, you see.

He does this transference business.

He sees himself as Dorian Gray and I'm the sort of verbal picture.

I think I will have some coffee, if I may.

Thank you.

You're married, aren't you?

Is it that obvious?

Do you mind if I ask a question?

Fire away.

Do you ever chase a bit of spare?

Do you ever chase a bit of spare?

No.

As a matter of fact, I don't.

Why don't you?

Apart from any question of love and loyalty...

it always seems to be such bad manners to one's wife.

People always find out.

It's like picking one's nose in public...

when one has a perfectly adequate handkerchief in one's pocket.

Robert says he won't ever get married, because he's bound to be unfaithful.

How long have you two known each other?

About a day and a half.

Who brought up the question of marriage?

- You or him? - Him.

Only I think he was just covering himself in case I did.

- There you are, Andrew, old man. - And so I am.

- Here we are, the proofs. - Good.

Darling, you'd better go and pack.

- I'm green with envy. - What?

Yes. She's a cute little thing.

Where on earth did you find her?

We met, she fell for me, and here we are.

- I don't like that. - All right, we'll scrub it.

- And you're taking her to France with you? - It seems to be a good idea, yes.

- To the wine-tasting? - Yes, why not?

Now, you see. That...

That is Danvers. That must be the projected image.

Right, good, then we'll use it.

I must offer you my heartiest congratulations, old boy.

She is a doll.

Now that's what I call going out in a blaze of glory.

Going out?

My father awaits your judgment with impatience.

Darling, meet our host, Monsieur Le Guestier.

Mademoiselle, merely by tasting this wine...

you will give me the pleasure of seeing the sun come out in your eyes.

Thank you.

You don't swallow it, you spit it out.

- Why waste it? - Then you can judge the next.

Who wants my opinion?

Thank you.

but, you must, how you say... Sip it gently.

No, you do it your way...

and I'll do it mine.

You must be joking.

- Madame is unwell, monsieur? - No, just tired.

- I'm bursting. - Then burst away.

Do excuse me, but aren't you Robin Danvers?

Yes.

There you are, what did I tell you? We're English, you know.

I wonder if I could have your autograph?

It's for my little girl.

Yes, it's rather difficult. I wonder if you could possibly...

Yes, of course.

...come 'round this side and then...

maybe I could borrow your bag to rest it on.

Would you sign it "to Alice," please.

To Alice? Yes.

Kind of you. I hope your daughter will soon feel better.

It's my son, actually. I'm rather worried about him.

It's in there.

You're disgraceful. Really, absolutely disgraceful.

God only knows why I brought you.

Do you realize...

I have had to buy 150 dozen bottles...

of an absolutely detestable wine for a shipper who will never forgive me?

You're not fit to be here!

You ought to be tearing up the King's Road with that drummer boy of yours.

You've made me a laughingstock.

You realize that, a complete, bloody laughingstock.

You've no sense of values, no scruples, no morals, nothing!

You look terrible.

Show me your tongue.

My God, but you're...

You're really great.

Yes, I suppose I am.

I want to ask you something.

Don't you ever get scared?

Of what?

Being alone.

Does that scare you?

Anyway, I never am alone.

There's always someone.

- There it is. Do you like it? - I love it.

Right, let's go and get it.

Monsieur Danvers, it is good to see you back once more. How are you?

Very well indeed. And yourself?

What do you think?

Darling, come and meet Monsieur Fournier.

Enchante. And I hope you enjoy your stay with us.

Thank you.

But Monsieur Danvers, this is wonderful.

And so English, so secretive.

You permit me?

Thank you.

And Madame is beautiful and charming, and you are a happy man.

You permit me?

Please.

We will put you in the bridal suite. Who is in the bridal suite?

No matter, throw them out.

Please.

Wow.

You will be comfortable, I hope, madame.

Yes.

Anything you need, anything, you call me.

- Thank you very much indeed. - Thank you.

We are proud to have you here, Madame, Monsieur Danvers.

That was just about the wickedest trick I've ever seen. Why did you do that?

See what I mean?

With all the compliments of the directeur, madame, monsieur.

And we all hope...

you'll have a penis, all your life.

They hope that you will have happiness...

all of your life.

Wow, I don't believe it.

That's it.

Isn't it beautiful?

My God, what's happening?

Marion, give me my...

What a beautiful day.

- Felicitations, madame. - Thank you.

- Bollinger. - Bollinger?

Tell me, do you arrange divorces as cheaply as you do marriages?

This looks like a lovely spot, darling.

Beautiful.

- Shall we drop anchor here? - Sure.

Now, when I tell you...

put her in reverse and take up the slack on the anchor.

Okay.

Now.

- How do I look? - Fantastic. What about me?

Too much.

- May I have the pleasure of this dance? - Anytime.

You dance divinely.

My Arabella, Cinderella, what does she do?

You know, she should have done it way back at midnight

Why, oh, why could she not get a thing right?

Look over there.

- Where? - Over there.

It's Robert Danvers, isn't it?

Yeah. I don't believe it.

Quick, let's have that camera.

What did I tell you?

I knew what she was after from the first moment she came here.

It's only justice, I suppose.

He's had a good long run. Now he's got her.

Only I get her, too, and I haven't done nothing, have I?

- You like that, don't you, Andrew? - No.

You might share it with us.

Here, look at this.

No!

Here, take a look at this.

She's only gone and married the frigger.

Would you believe it?

Dropout, that's what she is, bloody dropout.

I had a great time. Thank you.

So have I, my love.

You've been fantastic to be with.

I've learned so much from you.

You know, you really are adorable.

And you're improving. You almost sound as if you mean it.

Isn't it a drag to have to be going back?

Why don't we stay?

I'd love to stay, but I have to go back.

I have my new television show to do.

Tell them to run an old movie instead, nobody will know the difference.

You're very kind, but I think that they rather expect to see me.

That's the price of fame, darling.

When there are millions and millions of viewers expecting to see one...

one just cannot let them down. It's as simple as that.

My God, what's happening? What's going on here?

Who are they after?

I'm not entirely unknown, you know. I suppose it might be me.

Good morning, Mr. Danvers. The Daily Express.

- May we have a picture? - Not like this, if you don't mind.

- When were you married? - Was it England or France?

When was I what?

Here they come.

How about your marriage?

Once and for all, gentlemen, I am not married.

- Hold it, Mrs. Danvers. - Robert, look here.

- It was a mistake. - What about the confetti?

- A joke. - What's your maiden name, Mrs. Danvers?

- Ada Sludge. - Look this way, Ada.

- When did you meet? - At breakfast.

- Where? - In a Turkish bath.

- Is this the first time you've been in love? - You mean today?

- What's the difference in your ages? - Minimal.

How do you think your female fans will feel?

Look, I am not married. Off you go.

Come on, one nice quote, just one...

Lucky devil.

Of all the damn silly ideas...

I knew that confetti lark was a mistake.

How absurd, how completely absurd.

Now, where's that damn script?

It'll take me about three hours to tape the show.

Can I come with you?

No, I'm sorry, not this time.

I won't be any trouble.

It's just that I hate being alone.

I won't be long. I'll soon be back. Then you won't be alone.

Bye, darling.

- Good to see you back, Mr. Danvers. - Thank you.

Where to, miss?

Back to Mr. Danvers' place, miss?

Hello...

Somebody pulled the chain?

You got divorced already, then?

I just wanted to see what I've been missing all this time.

You did, did you?

She still here?

- What is it? - Come here a minute.

It's you.

Do you still want to share us both?

Changed your mind, have you?

- Now just a minute. - Shut up. Nobody's asking you.

Well?

It's been lovely seeing you both. Bye.

Mari, stop a minute.

Just listen a moment, can't you?

Now hold it, can't you, hold it.

Now, look, gentlemen...

if Mr. Danvers says he isn't married, then that's it, isn't it?

Come on, John, what's the score? You must know.

I told you, we're just good friends.

I deny it all. There's no marriage, no comment, no nothing.

- Then who are the flowers for, Mr. Danvers? - My Uncle Fred.

Darling?

Yes, my sweet?

- Who let you in? - John.

Just put me out of my misery, will you? Married or single?

What? Single, for God's sake, single.

I suppose it was too good to be true.

She did look quite intelligent.

She is. Extremely so. Incredible in one so young.

Does one have to be senile to be intelligent?

That's what she said. She seems to see right through things.

So the close proximity to you has enabled her to realize...

that while the fabric may be decaying, the structure is still sound.

Let's just say that she enjoys being with me.

I teach her a lot.

- Such as cooking. - Among other things, yes.

Thank you.

Now you have something in common for the long winter evenings.

There's one big difference, though.

- What's that? - She teaches me a lot.

Now that is different.

Hi, darling. Hello, Andrew.

Here.

- For me? - Yes.

Don't look so tragic. Smell them.

It's fabulous, Robert.

But I can't take it. No, I can't.

I'd better be going.

Please don't, Andrew. Stay and keep Robert company.

- Ask him to stay and eat. - Why should I? He gets fed at home.

Ask him, please.

You do have to get back to Gilly for dinner?

- Yes. - You see, he can't.

He must. Please, Andrew.

What's all this about?

I'm sorry, but I'm going.

Where?

I'm leaving.

I see.

Why?

I have to.

Must you go now?

It's best that I do. I still have your case. I'll return it.

Yes, of course.

Look...

why can't you go tomorrow?

He's coming for me any minute.

- He? - Jimmy.

The drummer? What? That horrible bloody drummer?

- Yes. - I won't shush. What do you mean, shush?

Keep your voice down.

- I've just seen him, and he's missed me. - He's missed you?

- Yes, he's forgiven me. - He's forgiven you?

Have you forgotten why you came here in the first place?

He's gotten rid of her.

Fancy him missing me.

I shall miss you.

Will you?

I'll tell you what. What if I have Jimmy send her around?

- No, thank you. - She's very pretty.

- You said she was an old hag. - That was two weeks ago.

Why must you go back to that psychedelic zombie?

I don't know. I guess he must really love me after all.

- That's what you said to me. - What?

You said...

- You said, "I love you." - Did I?

Anyway, you don't love me, do you? So what's the odds?

Sorry, fellas, no pictures.

Well?

Not so bad, how's yourself?

You're not him, are you?

I'm certainly not her.

No, I mean old flyblow. What's his name?

No.

I've come to get her.

Of course, you're the drummer boy.

That's right.

What happened to your other girlfriend?

Her? I've booted her ass out of it.

Did you really?

You sweet old-fashioned thing.

Where is she, then?

Who knows? Rubbing her ass, presumably.

You mean Marion?

Hi.

Andrew? You will stay, won't you? He's gone all quiet.

If you want me to.

Darling! Come and meet Jimmy.

- We've met. - Not properly.

Now, please, for me. Be friends.

Jimmy, this is Robert. Robert, Jimmy.

And when you've shaken, I want you to come out fighting.

Quite a lad, your mate, isn't he?

You seem to have looked after her all right, so I'll say no more.

- That's nice. - Sweet.

Come on, Mari. We've got to go.

My cases, would you get them?

Sure.

They're in there.

I'll show you.

Andrew, will you show him, please?

- It's too late, old chap. - Please.

- Don't go with him. - I've got to.

- I'll take you around the world, anything. - I can't.

- But I love you! - No, Robert. You don't need me. He does.

All right then...

I'll marry you.

Here!

What's going on?

He just asked me to marry him.

He what?

Listen, I've got a good mind to put my boot right in your old wedding furniture.

You'll never marry her.

- Marry him? No thanks. - I never asked you.

- See, he doesn't give a damn. - I'll stick one on you.

Shut up, Jimmy.

He gives me a pain in the ass, with all his posh chat.

You stick to your meat and mushrooms, matey.

I'm not going to marry him, so shut up.

What?

What was that you said?

I'm not going to marry you.

Why not?

Because I don't want to.

Good God!

- Do you mind if I put in a word? - I wish you would.

As you're obviously not going to live happily ever after...

- with young Lochinvar here... - Who?

...and as Robert won't live happily ever after without you...

why don't you divide yourself up and make them both happy?

Share myself out?

I can't make do with half a woman.

No. A whole woman, half the time.

Sounds like paradise to me.

You mean instead of him getting two birds, I get two fellows?

More or less, yes.

What a disgusting idea.

- You dirty-minded old perve. - You should be ashamed of yourself.

You should see a head shrinker.

- A married man with a wife and children. - You're sick.

I knew you were perverted the first time I saw you.

How would you like me to suggest that to your eldest daughter?

She's only eight.

You're lucky I'm a pacifist, or I'd give you a kick in the cobblers.

Leave him alone, both of you. He's only trying to help.

Come on, you.

Take it.

Don't hang about.

You're smashing.

Bye, darling.

Could you live with him and see me?

I don't know, I've never tried it.

Well?

Okay, if he can spare me.

Come on!

Bye.

- Get a move on. We're going to be late. - You're off?

- Yes. - Sure you've got everything?

If I haven't, I'll be back.

Good. I'll look forward to that.

Have a drink, old friend.

No, thanks. I've got a peculiar feeling in my stomach.

Is that love, do you think?

No, wind. You haven't eaten yet.

Go home to your wife.

Why don't you come, too?

- Take you out of yourself. - I'm already out.

If you change your mind, call me.

Hello?

- Hello? - This is Paola.

- Who? - Paola.

- Paola? - That's right.

Have you forgotten me?

- Paola who? - You promised me a Chinese meal.

Yes...

I promised you a Chinese meal.

- I have looked forward very much. - Yes.

The thing is, I don't feel in a Chinese mood at the moment.

Please, this is my only day off.

It's your only day off?

Yes, my only day.

Where are you speaking from?

I am very close to you.

I see, yes.

I'll tell you what to do.

If there's a time for romance, it's got to be now

It's got to be now

Before love dies

If there's a flame in your heart, there's gonna be fire

There's gonna be fire

It's in your eyes

My God, but you're lovely.