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1
00:01:27,617 --> 00:01:30,298
Steve, sorry. I couldn't find me phone.
2
00:01:30,999 --> 00:01:33,123
Hi. Thanks for calling back.
3
00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:36,295
No, no, no, I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine.
4
00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:40,758
Er, listen, I've had another idea
for Royston Vasey.
5
00:01:41,927 --> 00:01:46,008
What? No, no, hear me out.
I think this might be the one.
6
00:01:46,181 --> 00:01:50,309
All the characters wake up one morning
and they've got tails.
7
00:01:50,477 --> 00:01:55,021
Yeah, tails. You know, animals' tails,
like dogs, monkeys, pigs.
8
00:01:55,190 --> 00:01:57,563
Y'know, big bushy ones,
9
00:01:57,734 --> 00:02:00,024
squiggly ones,
10
00:02:00,195 --> 00:02:02,948
swishing ones, little bobtailed ones.
11
00:02:03,115 --> 00:02:05,985
Ones that poke over the tops of their heads.
12
00:02:07,286 --> 00:02:10,405
I don't know, I've only just thought of it.
13
00:02:11,498 --> 00:02:15,496
I just think it's a good way
of keeping these characters alive.
14
00:02:17,462 --> 00:02:20,381
I just don't think they're ready to go yet.
15
00:02:22,384 --> 00:02:24,175
Oh.
16
00:02:25,220 --> 00:02:26,846
Okay.
17
00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:29,718
No, no, no, I understand. Er...
18
00:02:29,892 --> 00:02:33,677
Why don't you talk to
the others about it fir-
19
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:37,271
Ah. They're all there with you, are they?
20
00:02:37,441 --> 00:02:39,433
Right, then. Well, okay.
21
00:02:39,610 --> 00:02:41,318
I'll speak to you later.
22
00:02:41,486 --> 00:02:43,029
Yeah. Bye.
23
00:03:24,154 --> 00:03:26,360
I made a little brown fish.
24
00:03:26,531 --> 00:03:28,940
Aaaghh!
25
00:03:29,993 --> 00:03:31,072
Don't go!
26
00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,742
Going somewhere local?
27
00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:50,169
- Jeremy!
- Please, it wasn't me, it was the others!
28
00:04:04,319 --> 00:04:06,894
Agghh! Agghh!
29
00:04:18,625 --> 00:04:20,749
Tubbs!
30
00:04:20,919 --> 00:04:23,244
Tubbs! Help me!
31
00:04:23,422 --> 00:04:27,550
I'm trying to get rid of this fish!
He doesn't want to go!
32
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:42,898
Edward, what are you doing?
He's getting away!
33
00:04:43,066 --> 00:04:44,145
Come on!
34
00:04:45,068 --> 00:04:48,686
Tubbs, did he get the joke
with the binoculars at least?
35
00:04:48,864 --> 00:04:50,904
No, didn't crack his face!
36
00:04:51,074 --> 00:04:52,700
After him!
37
00:05:27,110 --> 00:05:29,400
They're not real!
38
00:05:46,963 --> 00:05:50,001
But you're not real!
39
00:05:51,426 --> 00:05:53,751
We are now.
40
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:33,709
- So how old is Jacko now, Mr. Chinnery?
- Well, nobody knows for sure, Dahlia.
41
00:06:33,885 --> 00:06:39,010
He was a gift from the Shah of Iran in '77
and he was no spring chicken then.
42
00:06:39,182 --> 00:06:43,513
It's essential we get a specimen of his seed
before age precludes any issue.
43
00:06:43,687 --> 00:06:46,771
Yes.
So what exactly is the procedure?
44
00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:47,826
Oh it's quite simple, really.
45
00:06:47,829 --> 00:06:50,986
A small electrical stimulus is
applied to Jacko's rectum,
46
00:06:51,153 --> 00:06:54,486
producing spontaneous ejaculation.
47
00:06:54,656 --> 00:06:57,325
- Which I catch in this.
- Yes.
48
00:06:57,492 --> 00:07:00,446
Just, er... plug this in for me,
would you, Dahlia?
49
00:07:29,191 --> 00:07:30,816
Right.
50
00:07:31,860 --> 00:07:33,936
Chocks away.
51
00:07:39,743 --> 00:07:42,151
Nothing?
52
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:44,737
- Just a little dribble.
- Oh. All right.
53
00:07:44,915 --> 00:07:46,907
We'll have another go.
54
00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:51,248
I'll increase the voltage a wee bit.
Get in close to his, er...er...
55
00:07:51,421 --> 00:07:53,545
Get...Get in close.
56
00:08:05,712 --> 00:08:06,820
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
57
00:08:32,295 --> 00:08:34,087
- Hiya, Mickey, love.
- Hiya.
58
00:08:34,256 --> 00:08:36,960
'Ey,
at least it's good weather for your kite.
59
00:08:37,133 --> 00:08:39,293
It's not a kite.
60
00:08:43,431 --> 00:08:46,551
Well, I've got to go.
I've got to see a lady.
61
00:08:46,726 --> 00:08:48,933
See ya!
62
00:08:50,162 --> 00:08:53,101
Come down! Come down!
63
00:08:56,570 --> 00:09:00,983
- This is stupid. Why don't we go home?
- No way, we're gonna win this badge.
64
00:09:01,157 --> 00:09:04,409
It wouldn't be so bad
if we could get the fire going.
65
00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:09,489
Keep blowing, boys!
All it takes is one big poof.
66
00:09:10,667 --> 00:09:13,918
- Thanks very much, Mr...?
- Lipp. Herr Lipp.
67
00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:19,295
I was out taking my regular constipational.
I got caught in this terrible downpour.
68
00:09:19,467 --> 00:09:24,094
- I think I've got wood, if that's any help.
- Erm... no, we'll be all right.
69
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:27,432
Bitte? I cannot make out with you.
70
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:32,678
Please, pull back your purple skins
so I can see your heads.
71
00:09:38,862 --> 00:09:40,404
Alles klar.
72
00:09:40,572 --> 00:09:44,570
Now, why not let a practised hand loose
on your little twigs, huh?
73
00:09:44,743 --> 00:09:48,444
I know how to rub them just right
to make them spit fire.
74
00:09:50,332 --> 00:09:54,247
Wait! I was going to ask about bob a job!
75
00:09:57,380 --> 00:10:01,592
I've never known weather like it.
It's raining cats and dogs on the moors.
76
00:10:01,718 --> 00:10:05,336
I've not seen such a heavy flow
since my last period.
77
00:10:26,701 --> 00:10:29,110
Help! Help!
78
00:10:29,287 --> 00:10:31,493
This man needs help!
79
00:10:35,627 --> 00:10:37,122
Have you fell?
80
00:10:37,295 --> 00:10:41,791
Er, please, you must get out of the car
and come to my aid.
81
00:10:41,966 --> 00:10:44,042
You're joking, aren't you?
It's pissing down!
82
00:10:45,095 --> 00:10:49,508
Tell him you've been struck by a vehicle
and you've got internal bleeding.
83
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:54,060
- I have been struck by a vehicle...
- I heard what he said. Who is he?
84
00:10:54,229 --> 00:10:56,850
You help him if you're that bothered.
85
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:02,646
No, I-I can't, you see,
because me back's bad and-
86
00:11:02,821 --> 00:11:05,609
Oh, sod it. Get in the car! Get in!
87
00:11:09,911 --> 00:11:12,948
- Oh, brilliant! Soaking wet.
- Just drive!
88
00:11:30,265 --> 00:11:32,257
Go on.
89
00:11:32,434 --> 00:11:35,553
Well, er... Well, there's this lad.
90
00:11:35,729 --> 00:11:38,599
He's not really a lad, really. He's, erm...
91
00:11:38,773 --> 00:11:41,229
He's one of the teachers.
92
00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:44,521
And he's really fit. Takes me for science.
93
00:11:47,282 --> 00:11:52,027
And have you been thinking about this fella
when you're alone?
94
00:11:54,956 --> 00:11:57,032
Yes, Reverend.
95
00:11:58,084 --> 00:12:01,252
And are any of your thoughts
96
00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:04,339
of a carnal nature?
97
00:12:06,009 --> 00:12:08,299
You mean rude?
98
00:12:08,470 --> 00:12:10,177
Yes, my child.
99
00:12:10,346 --> 00:12:12,672
Yeah. They are.
100
00:12:13,725 --> 00:12:18,518
And sometimes
do you touch yourself in a way that...
101
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:22,310
seems forbidden?
102
00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:30,105
I'll take that as a yes.
103
00:12:31,409 --> 00:12:33,699
Now, love,
104
00:12:33,870 --> 00:12:39,707
you might ask what harm can come
from a young maiden such as yourself
105
00:12:39,876 --> 00:12:44,669
being drawn toward this...
attractive chevalier,
106
00:12:44,839 --> 00:12:51,294
to find yourself opening like a beautiful
flower in the warmth of the morning sun,
107
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:56,382
enjoying the simple blossoming
of womanhood.
108
00:12:56,559 --> 00:12:58,304
Bullshit!
109
00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:02,310
You come in here, getting your fishy fingers
all over my communion wafers,
110
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:06,646
slinging your jelly every hour God sends!
Go on, get stuffed!
111
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:15,236
You should be disgusted with yourself!
Go and play stinky pinky somewhere else!
112
00:13:20,875 --> 00:13:24,791
Doesn't really matter any more.
113
00:13:24,963 --> 00:13:26,920
Reverend?
114
00:13:27,090 --> 00:13:29,332
What the 'ell's going on?
115
00:13:56,327 --> 00:13:59,246
What's this, The Name of the Rose?
116
00:14:13,845 --> 00:14:18,720
Ah, you've had vandals, have you?
I had a cock sprayed on my door last week.
117
00:14:27,525 --> 00:14:31,357
Hang on a minute. This just happened.
118
00:14:31,529 --> 00:14:35,694
You see? It has begun at last.
119
00:14:35,867 --> 00:14:37,444
What's begun?
120
00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:42,119
Oh, there you are. Sorry I'm late.
121
00:14:42,290 --> 00:14:45,327
You wouldn't believe
what's happened at the zoo.
122
00:14:45,501 --> 00:14:47,542
Wouldn't I?
123
00:15:04,395 --> 00:15:07,764
- I've just realised who you are.
- Have you?
124
00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:11,227
It's you, innit?
Demon butcherer. Hilary Briss.
125
00:15:11,402 --> 00:15:14,072
Alles klar! The one with the funny meats.
126
00:15:14,238 --> 00:15:18,652
You used to put things in your sausages.
Killed all them people.
127
00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:25,786
- 'Ey, I used to eat your pork pies.
- They weren't pork.
128
00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:30,205
I know, I know. It's all bumholes
and eyelids, innit? Still nice, though.
129
00:15:31,839 --> 00:15:33,797
Look out!
130
00:15:41,724 --> 00:15:43,800
These frescoes speak of a time
131
00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:46,978
when the mantle of darkness
shall be riven by fire,
132
00:15:47,146 --> 00:15:50,266
the turbulent seas shall
swallow up the earth
133
00:15:50,441 --> 00:15:55,068
and a giraffe will spunk up
over a load of old biddies.
134
00:15:55,238 --> 00:15:59,698
In short,
they foretell the end of our world.
135
00:16:00,743 --> 00:16:04,611
- Our world? Don't you mean THE world?
- I know what I mean.
136
00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:08,870
Please stop talking in riddles.
Just tell us the truth.
137
00:16:09,043 --> 00:16:14,002
Very well. There may be a chance
that we can find salvation.
138
00:16:15,049 --> 00:16:19,095
There is a way through in this very chamber
139
00:16:19,262 --> 00:16:22,429
to a larger world beyond.
140
00:16:24,267 --> 00:16:27,102
You mean Calderdale?
141
00:16:27,270 --> 00:16:29,061
No.
142
00:16:29,230 --> 00:16:34,604
Over there is a doorway to another universe.
143
00:16:36,237 --> 00:16:41,196
I know it sounds far-fetched,
but bear with me.
144
00:16:45,251 --> 00:16:48,911
Give yourself up. This is a wild-goose cake!
145
00:16:49,083 --> 00:16:51,705
In here! Quick!
146
00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:59,506
There is a magical key that will grant us
access to the world beyond.
147
00:16:59,677 --> 00:17:04,054
I keep it with me at all times.
Now, where is it?
148
00:17:07,602 --> 00:17:10,223
Oh. Here we are.
149
00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:14,976
This is the last of the
three Keys of Ingress.
150
00:17:15,151 --> 00:17:18,235
Down there! Come on!
151
00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:20,564
I'm gonna be late for work now.
152
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:21,831
Shift yourself!
153
00:17:23,367 --> 00:17:25,609
Come off it, Reverend.
154
00:17:25,787 --> 00:17:29,369
You can't shit a shitter.
This is a wind-up, yeah?
155
00:17:29,540 --> 00:17:33,491
You don't understand.
Armageddon is upon us.
156
00:17:33,669 --> 00:17:37,834
Unless we act now,
this is our ultimate fate.
157
00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:46,054
All will be made clear on the other side.
Please understand, the first team failed!
158
00:17:46,224 --> 00:17:49,308
We cannot afford another fuck-up.
159
00:17:49,477 --> 00:17:51,719
This is Royston Vasey's last chance.
160
00:17:51,896 --> 00:17:54,352
When we go through that door...
161
00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:07,660
Well, now what?
162
00:18:07,829 --> 00:18:10,154
Sit tight
163
00:18:10,331 --> 00:18:12,407
and keep quiet.
164
00:18:31,602 --> 00:18:33,809
- Oh there's a load of sausages, look!
- Where?
165
00:19:15,104 --> 00:19:16,516
Ah!
166
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:19,524
- You're doing the tour, are you?
- Er...
167
00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:23,477
Well, the others have gone on
to the butcher's in the high street,
168
00:19:23,654 --> 00:19:28,032
so just follow the road round to the right.
You can't miss it.
169
00:19:29,504 --> 00:19:31,949
Splendid costumes, by the way.
170
00:19:32,121 --> 00:19:34,696
Thank you. I like your dress.
171
00:19:51,682 --> 00:19:54,173
Alles klar! Alles klar!
172
00:19:54,352 --> 00:19:55,598
Alles klar.
173
00:20:25,383 --> 00:20:28,420
- What's going on?
- Who are you? What do you want?
174
00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:31,678
- Eh? This is my flat!
- No. Get out, please!
175
00:20:31,847 --> 00:20:35,264
- What's all these ornaments?
- You must leave now. Go, please!
176
00:20:35,434 --> 00:20:38,223
- What are these ornaments?
- Go! Leave, please. Get out!
177
00:20:38,396 --> 00:20:42,441
I've only been gone a couple of hours!
178
00:20:42,608 --> 00:20:45,895
And put them sticks out! They stink!
179
00:20:57,623 --> 00:21:02,000
What is goin' on?
Me flat's full of... Asian people.
180
00:21:04,130 --> 00:21:07,297
Something's not right about this.
181
00:21:10,261 --> 00:21:13,131
Hello, Daves.
182
00:21:13,306 --> 00:21:15,880
I've been expecting you.
183
00:21:30,656 --> 00:21:33,859
Are you sure you don't want me
to cancel the party?
184
00:21:34,035 --> 00:21:38,281
No, I don't want to spoil your last night,
but if you could organise everybody-
185
00:21:38,456 --> 00:21:42,751
Alles klar.
You put yourself in my fist, Justin.
186
00:21:44,337 --> 00:21:46,038
Ah! Our carriage...
187
00:21:48,132 --> 00:21:53,803
- All right. There's these three fellas...
- Yeah. Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman.
188
00:21:53,971 --> 00:21:58,930
- That's right, turn it off when I've come on!
- Do you believe me now?
189
00:21:59,101 --> 00:22:03,313
It's one of those hidden camera
reality television things, isn't it?
190
00:22:03,481 --> 00:22:07,431
No. This is reality.
191
00:22:08,194 --> 00:22:11,611
Royston Vasey is just a fiction.
192
00:22:13,282 --> 00:22:17,944
- And so these four men...?
- Are our creators.
193
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:23,660
Yes. Collectively known
as the League of Gentlemen.
194
00:22:23,834 --> 00:22:26,290
Spooky, eh?
195
00:22:26,462 --> 00:22:29,036
There is so much to take in.
196
00:22:30,508 --> 00:22:33,627
And which one plays me?
197
00:22:33,803 --> 00:22:37,302
Him. He plays me as well.
198
00:22:38,599 --> 00:22:41,470
And me.
199
00:22:41,644 --> 00:22:45,345
The point is, gentlemen,
our world is coming to an end
200
00:22:45,523 --> 00:22:48,525
and these men are responsible.
201
00:22:48,692 --> 00:22:53,936
We have no time to lose. Anyway,
I'm sure the Reverend briefed you well.
202
00:22:54,824 --> 00:22:58,157
- Eh?
- Er... yes, she did.
203
00:22:58,327 --> 00:23:01,329
- What happened to this one?
- We didn't push him!
204
00:23:01,497 --> 00:23:03,122
It's all right, Tubbs.
205
00:23:03,290 --> 00:23:07,585
We approached him directly.
It was a... mistake.
206
00:23:07,753 --> 00:23:12,084
- Something must have frightened him.
- Can't think what.
207
00:23:12,258 --> 00:23:18,214
You see, this is our problem.
We are three of the more bizarre characters.
208
00:23:42,371 --> 00:23:45,408
It's not easy blending in.
209
00:23:48,085 --> 00:23:50,375
There is a lot of prejudice.
210
00:23:50,546 --> 00:23:54,082
The time has come
for a more subtle approach.
211
00:23:54,258 --> 00:23:56,417
- Edward!
- Thank you, Tubbs.
212
00:23:56,594 --> 00:24:01,387
The train to London leaves
in twelvety minutes. These are your orders.
213
00:24:01,557 --> 00:24:05,971
Seek out the creators.
Discover why they are destroying us
214
00:24:06,145 --> 00:24:08,055
and stop them.
215
00:24:08,230 --> 00:24:12,015
I've packed you some sandwiches
and I also made some fish cakes.
216
00:24:12,193 --> 00:24:13,569
- What kind of fish?
- Brown.
217
00:24:13,736 --> 00:24:15,112
Lovely.
218
00:24:49,021 --> 00:24:53,398
Okay, so... a hot chocolate and four Twixes.
219
00:24:53,567 --> 00:24:57,981
- Yeah, that's me.
- Alles klar. Oh, I must stop saying that.
220
00:24:58,155 --> 00:25:02,236
Erm... a veggie burger and a weak tea.
221
00:25:03,744 --> 00:25:06,200
I'll, erm, I'll just leave it in the bag.
222
00:25:06,372 --> 00:25:10,157
- Didn't you get owt?
- Oh, I'll just have a mouthful of everybody.
223
00:25:10,334 --> 00:25:13,003
I've got room for a couple of your fingers.
224
00:25:13,170 --> 00:25:17,038
- So, what have I missed?
- Here, have a look.
225
00:25:21,178 --> 00:25:24,547
- Ohh!
- Yeah, not that.
226
00:25:27,184 --> 00:25:29,889
- Ah ja, I see them.
- Can you see my one?
227
00:25:30,062 --> 00:25:33,929
- Ja... He's slimmer than you.
- Shut up!
228
00:25:34,108 --> 00:25:36,018
My one's at the computer.
229
00:25:36,193 --> 00:25:39,776
- He must be the clever one.
- Well, mine's telling him what to do.
230
00:25:39,947 --> 00:25:44,491
- No, it's my turn! I want to see my one!
- You're not in charge!
231
00:25:46,036 --> 00:25:48,326
Look at you!
232
00:25:48,497 --> 00:25:51,499
Bickering like infants.
233
00:25:51,667 --> 00:25:54,704
Haven't got a clue what to do next,
have you?
234
00:25:54,878 --> 00:25:56,670
Yeah.
235
00:25:56,839 --> 00:25:59,045
What?
236
00:25:59,216 --> 00:26:02,004
If we're quick, we can get on the Eye-wheel.
237
00:26:02,177 --> 00:26:05,381
Never mind the Eye-wheel. You listen to me!
238
00:26:13,355 --> 00:26:18,017
I don't give a calf's kidney about you two
or any of those clowns back in Vasey,
239
00:26:18,193 --> 00:26:20,946
but I do care about me.
240
00:26:21,113 --> 00:26:23,438
And I want to survive.
241
00:26:23,616 --> 00:26:27,234
So, we're going to do this my way.
All right?
242
00:26:35,210 --> 00:26:38,330
Right, he's sitting at the computer,
so what's he doing?
243
00:26:40,466 --> 00:26:43,005
- Writing?
- Precisely.
244
00:26:43,177 --> 00:26:46,012
We've got to get that computer.
245
00:26:50,559 --> 00:26:52,635
Ooh, there's my one!
246
00:27:02,696 --> 00:27:04,772
Can I help you?
247
00:27:06,450 --> 00:27:09,949
Oh, right.
If you'd just like to sign in for me?
248
00:27:12,039 --> 00:27:15,159
That's great. And are they with you?
249
00:27:18,253 --> 00:27:20,744
They need to sign in, too.
250
00:27:20,923 --> 00:27:24,968
- Oh, now he is bloody funny.
- We have him in Germany, Herr Bean.
251
00:27:25,135 --> 00:27:27,295
That one with the turkey...
252
00:27:27,471 --> 00:27:32,015
Shut up! You know what to do,
so get on with it. Make it quick.
253
00:27:32,184 --> 00:27:34,260
- Seen Unseen Bean?
- No, I haven't.
254
00:27:42,733 --> 00:27:45,062
I've got a packet for the
League of Gentlemen.
255
00:27:45,239 --> 00:27:46,816
Hang on, just a minute.
256
00:27:52,287 --> 00:27:57,710
Hang on, hang on. There's a £500 penalty for
deliberate misuse. Who's paying for that?
257
00:27:57,876 --> 00:28:01,495
If only I could get my hands
on a little tool! Got one?
258
00:28:01,672 --> 00:28:05,836
- No. I'll go and see if I can find summat.
- Aber schnell!
259
00:28:25,013 --> 00:28:27,444
Oh, hello, you must be Paul.
260
00:28:27,614 --> 00:28:34,069
This is our director, Liam, our writer,
Sheila, and our producer, Brian.
261
00:28:34,246 --> 00:28:36,488
Do please take a seat.
262
00:28:41,962 --> 00:28:43,919
Sign there, please.
263
00:28:45,048 --> 00:28:47,124
Minnie, can we get some coffee?
264
00:28:47,301 --> 00:28:50,883
- I asked about two weeks ago!
- Okay, just a sec.
265
00:28:51,054 --> 00:28:53,380
Sorry. Excuse me.
266
00:28:58,479 --> 00:28:59,558
Come on!
267
00:28:59,730 --> 00:29:02,981
Four whole weeks together?
I can hardly believe it.
268
00:29:03,150 --> 00:29:05,689
I know, but we mustn't get carried away.
269
00:29:05,861 --> 00:29:10,357
I know, but I can't help it.
Since the operation, I...
270
00:29:10,532 --> 00:29:13,901
- Oh, so he's had an operation.
- He was in a car crash.
271
00:29:14,077 --> 00:29:18,075
- Oh, I see, so the pain he's referring to is...
- Mm-hm.
272
00:29:18,248 --> 00:29:22,116
- Right. Sorry, can I start again?
- Course you can.
273
00:29:25,172 --> 00:29:28,755
Oh... four whole weeks together... Ouch!
274
00:29:28,926 --> 00:29:33,054
I can hardly believe it.
Since the operation...
275
00:29:36,308 --> 00:29:40,603
Hiya. I'm looking for summat hard,
like a spanner or dildo.
276
00:29:40,771 --> 00:29:43,226
It's all right. This'll do. Just borrow it.
277
00:29:43,398 --> 00:29:45,356
Mine's run out.
278
00:29:50,113 --> 00:29:53,613
- I think it's quite a good idea, tails.
- Excuse me?
279
00:29:53,784 --> 00:29:59,787
- This envelope, it's just full of leaves.
- Oh, dear.
280
00:29:59,957 --> 00:30:02,081
So, I'll hear in two or three days?
281
00:30:02,251 --> 00:30:04,790
- We'll be in touch.
- Thank you.
282
00:30:04,962 --> 00:30:06,753
Nice to meet you.
283
00:30:06,922 --> 00:30:08,347
You're very nice to play with.
284
00:30:10,801 --> 00:30:13,506
Thank you very much. Thank you.
285
00:30:21,186 --> 00:30:24,224
- What are you doing?
- I've just had an audition for a film.
286
00:30:24,398 --> 00:30:29,143
- They want me for Terry, he's been in an accident.
- Never mind that. Let's get this going.
287
00:30:29,319 --> 00:30:33,899
- Can I see some ID, please?
- Well, I-I've got these gloves.
288
00:30:36,392 --> 00:30:38,648
Sorry, guys, we'd better go down.
289
00:30:44,251 --> 00:30:48,747
- Nothing wrong with action, Mark.
- We're not doing a bloody heist movie.
290
00:30:56,471 --> 00:30:59,093
Slow down, I've got a stitch!
291
00:30:59,266 --> 00:31:00,927
Here.
292
00:31:02,769 --> 00:31:04,762
It's all here. They've written a film.
293
00:31:04,938 --> 00:31:07,477
- Brilliant? Am I in it?
- We'll have to see.
294
00:31:07,649 --> 00:31:10,188
I've just been up for a film.
295
00:31:10,360 --> 00:31:13,314
- We need to copy this file. Got the disk?
- Yeah.
296
00:31:13,488 --> 00:31:15,114
Sedaka.
297
00:31:15,282 --> 00:31:17,607
- You are joking.
- You can tape over 'em.
298
00:31:17,784 --> 00:31:21,451
Oh, God. Any spare disks around?
There must be one somewhere.
299
00:31:23,415 --> 00:31:27,164
- I usually back up on a five-inch floppy.
- I bet you do.
300
00:31:27,336 --> 00:31:31,121
Quick, unplug it!
We'll have to take the whole thing.
301
00:31:31,298 --> 00:31:34,086
- Leave the monitor!
- How are we gonna read it? Braille?
302
00:31:34,657 --> 00:31:35,700
Shh!
303
00:31:41,016 --> 00:31:42,392
Quick, get your masks on!
304
00:31:46,730 --> 00:31:48,408
- Why am I a pig?
- Shh!
305
00:32:04,164 --> 00:32:06,537
What's that sticking in me?
306
00:32:06,708 --> 00:32:08,305
The hard drive.
307
00:32:23,058 --> 00:32:26,557
- Have you seen me?
- Yeah.
308
00:32:37,489 --> 00:32:39,695
Get him!
309
00:32:49,418 --> 00:32:51,494
Whoa!
310
00:33:14,067 --> 00:33:16,143
Steve Pemberton?
311
00:33:23,493 --> 00:33:27,195
- What did you do that for?
- He can have it reframed.
312
00:33:28,915 --> 00:33:32,249
- Is he still alive?
- Ja.
313
00:33:35,088 --> 00:33:38,208
What would happen to me
if he passed under?
314
00:33:38,383 --> 00:33:41,337
Who knows? Maybe you'd go down with him.
315
00:33:43,555 --> 00:33:46,343
I can think of worse ways to go.
316
00:33:46,516 --> 00:33:51,938
- Go and get the computer, you! Quick!
- All right, all right! I'm not an octopus!
317
00:33:52,105 --> 00:33:58,903
What are we going to do with him? We can't
take him along. They'll be expectorating.
318
00:33:59,071 --> 00:34:01,444
We can't, we've got that charity gig.
319
00:34:01,615 --> 00:34:04,533
- I'm not doing that.
- We have to, we've been paid.
320
00:34:04,701 --> 00:34:06,694
They never wanna listen anyway.
321
00:34:06,870 --> 00:34:10,121
At least they'll be laughing
all the way through it.
322
00:34:10,290 --> 00:34:12,165
Steve?
323
00:34:18,256 --> 00:34:20,961
Where's the computer?
324
00:34:23,887 --> 00:34:26,592
Someone's fucking nicked it.
325
00:34:43,907 --> 00:34:47,359
I say we just... cut his leg a bit.
326
00:34:47,536 --> 00:34:50,620
- What do you mean?
- Cut him with a knife a bit.
327
00:34:50,789 --> 00:34:53,328
- To prove what?
- To see what he's like underneath.
328
00:34:53,500 --> 00:34:56,703
It's not The Roswell Incident.
He's a human being.
329
00:34:56,878 --> 00:34:59,843
- Do you think they eat food an' that?
- Of course they do!
330
00:35:03,732 --> 00:35:04,839
All right, all right.
331
00:35:08,390 --> 00:35:10,929
Hiya... Mr. Pemberton.
332
00:35:11,101 --> 00:35:15,515
- How are you feeling? Want another pillow?
- Not now, Reece, me head's pounding.
333
00:35:15,689 --> 00:35:18,263
It's funny, actually...
334
00:35:19,317 --> 00:35:21,856
I'm not Reece. I'm Geoff.
335
00:35:22,904 --> 00:35:24,980
Look.
336
00:35:27,826 --> 00:35:30,744
That's not padding, is it? It's real.
337
00:35:40,547 --> 00:35:43,038
Mark?
338
00:35:51,141 --> 00:35:55,685
We are your characters
and we've come into your world.
339
00:35:56,897 --> 00:35:58,973
You all right? You seem quiet.
340
00:35:59,149 --> 00:36:02,566
You know how it is, Mr. Shearsmith, mate.
341
00:36:03,612 --> 00:36:05,688
Your eyes look fucked.
342
00:36:05,864 --> 00:36:09,363
Well, I've been licking my candle
at both ends, you know.
343
00:36:09,534 --> 00:36:13,152
Well, when we've finished this script,
you can go on holiday, can't yer?
344
00:36:13,330 --> 00:36:17,197
Ja, that reminds me, actually.
I were gonna say about that.
345
00:36:17,375 --> 00:36:21,540
Um... what did we decide
about Royston Vasey?
346
00:36:26,426 --> 00:36:29,843
Yeah, very funny, Steve.
347
00:36:30,889 --> 00:36:32,135
See you later.
348
00:36:32,307 --> 00:36:35,640
Good luck, anyway.
Don't get your head bitten off.
349
00:36:39,272 --> 00:36:41,229
Bye.
350
00:36:59,084 --> 00:37:01,076
Hello?
351
00:37:04,005 --> 00:37:06,295
- I'm home.
- I don't believe this.
352
00:37:06,466 --> 00:37:08,839
You are such a fucking arsehole prick!
353
00:37:09,010 --> 00:37:12,344
One night since she was born,
I ask you to be early
354
00:37:12,514 --> 00:37:16,678
and you can't even manage that,
you fucking lazy pig!
355
00:37:16,851 --> 00:37:18,228
She needs changing,
356
00:37:18,395 --> 00:37:22,939
THIS lot need feeding and putting to bed,
and I'll be home at midnight.
357
00:37:23,108 --> 00:37:28,565
- Dad!
- I scored! I scored, Dad! Come on!
358
00:37:28,738 --> 00:37:34,278
"Exterior. Memorial Garden, London.
The year is 1690."
359
00:37:34,452 --> 00:37:37,786
Oh, don't read it out loud!
It's not even finished.
360
00:37:37,956 --> 00:37:39,831
"We are at a funeral."
361
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:45,457
"A group of regal-looking mourners
are extravagantly swathed in black crêpe."
362
00:37:45,630 --> 00:37:47,671
- Depressing!
- Hang on a minute.
363
00:37:47,841 --> 00:37:51,092
London, 1690? This isn't Royston Vasey.
364
00:37:51,261 --> 00:37:54,049
Where's the one with us in it?
365
00:37:54,222 --> 00:37:57,057
There isn't one.
366
00:38:03,940 --> 00:38:07,274
- What?
- There isn't one.
367
00:38:07,444 --> 00:38:10,896
We're not doing Royston Vasey
any more. Sorry.
368
00:38:11,072 --> 00:38:13,694
I see.
So, you've killed us off, have you?
369
00:38:13,867 --> 00:38:18,826
No, we haven't killed you off,
we just... fancied a change, that's all.
370
00:38:18,997 --> 00:38:22,782
- God, don't take it so personally.
- It is personal.
371
00:38:22,959 --> 00:38:24,750
- It's actually really good.
- Shut up!
372
00:38:24,919 --> 00:38:26,497
What's an homunculus?
373
00:38:26,671 --> 00:38:29,341
Look, we've been doing these
characters for ten years-
374
00:38:29,507 --> 00:38:32,675
- Ohoho! These characters?
- All right. You then.
375
00:38:32,844 --> 00:38:36,380
And we felt it was time to...move on.
376
00:38:36,556 --> 00:38:40,637
- Anyway, I don't have to justify myself to you.
- Huh!
377
00:38:40,810 --> 00:38:44,179
Steve! What you calling it?
378
00:38:44,356 --> 00:38:47,440
- What?
- This olden days film. What you calling it?
379
00:38:47,609 --> 00:38:50,693
- The King's Evil.
- Is it like Evil Dead?
380
00:38:50,862 --> 00:38:53,982
- I've no idea, I've never seen it.
- You've not seen it?!
381
00:38:54,157 --> 00:38:58,452
That bit where all them twigs
go up her fanny? It's brilliant.
382
00:38:59,496 --> 00:39:02,117
The King's Evil.
383
00:39:02,290 --> 00:39:06,039
- Is this the only copy?
- No.
384
00:39:08,149 --> 00:39:09,793
I know you too well.
385
00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:13,047
Goes both ways, you know.
386
00:39:13,218 --> 00:39:15,342
- Delete it!
- What?
387
00:39:15,512 --> 00:39:17,504
Delete it! Delete the whole thing.
388
00:39:17,680 --> 00:39:20,551
Then Mr. Pemberton here can sit
down and write us a Royston Vasey film.
389
00:39:20,725 --> 00:39:23,007
Oh no, don't Hilary,
I was just getting into it.
390
00:39:23,032 --> 00:39:25,020
Load of bloody rubbish.
What's this?
391
00:39:25,188 --> 00:39:28,498
"A wigmaker,
Mr. Ponsonby Snottington-Smythe..."
392
00:39:28,524 --> 00:39:29,850
You should be
ashamed of yourselves!
393
00:39:30,026 --> 00:39:32,186
- We're gonna change that.
- Not surprised.
394
00:39:32,362 --> 00:39:36,028
I think Snottington's funny.
Mind you, I have got a daft humour.
395
00:39:36,199 --> 00:39:40,066
Mr. Bean, the Carry Ons...
'Ey, here's one for you, Steve.
396
00:39:40,245 --> 00:39:43,614
- A Carry On, but with spacemen... Ooh!
- What?
397
00:39:43,790 --> 00:39:48,535
- He's gone!
- Shit! Stay, you, and delete that file.
398
00:39:48,711 --> 00:39:51,416
- Yeah, but...
- I said delete it!
399
00:40:04,727 --> 00:40:08,429
- Well, come in if you're coming.
- Oi!
400
00:40:30,211 --> 00:40:33,165
"The year is 1690."
401
00:40:33,339 --> 00:40:35,131
"We are at a funeral."
402
00:40:35,300 --> 00:40:40,971
"A group of regal-looking mourners
are extravagantly swathed in black crepe."
403
00:40:41,139 --> 00:40:46,892
"The chief mourners are King William III
and Queen Mary."
404
00:40:47,061 --> 00:40:51,807
"The King is inconsolable, dabbing
at his eyes with a lace handkerchief."
405
00:40:55,528 --> 00:40:58,363
Oh, lackaday, lackaday!
406
00:40:59,782 --> 00:41:04,860
I am melted into sweat with grieving
for my darling Hannah.
407
00:41:20,595 --> 00:41:25,139
Come away, Lemuel, come away.
Would you have us discovered?
408
00:41:29,771 --> 00:41:34,813
The King buries his favourite pet as though
it were possessed of an immortal soul.
409
00:41:34,984 --> 00:41:38,900
Pig interment is but the latest blasphemy
foisted on us
410
00:41:39,072 --> 00:41:43,532
by this Protestant monarch
and his whorish wife.
411
00:41:43,701 --> 00:41:48,281
If a Catholic monarchy is to be restored,
we must act now!
412
00:41:49,415 --> 00:41:53,746
What if we were to take
a blenched monkey in a wig,
413
00:41:53,920 --> 00:41:57,171
smuggle it into the court and then...
414
00:41:57,340 --> 00:42:00,839
No, no, no, no. But the wig is good.
415
00:42:02,178 --> 00:42:07,338
I know. I could fashion me a tonsure
in which is secreted a midget.
416
00:42:07,517 --> 00:42:11,016
When it is placed upon the royal brow,
the midget will strike,
417
00:42:11,187 --> 00:42:13,678
putting out the King's eyes
with his little thumbs...
418
00:42:13,856 --> 00:42:17,273
Your suggestions, sir, are patently absurd.
419
00:42:19,445 --> 00:42:22,945
Indeed, sir?
And what stratagem have you to offer?
420
00:42:26,160 --> 00:42:29,660
I have hesitated to mention this before.
421
00:42:29,831 --> 00:42:34,624
But well you know,
I have certain... acquaintances
422
00:42:34,794 --> 00:42:37,415
of a diabolic nature.
423
00:43:03,156 --> 00:43:05,280
Er... we have come to see-
424
00:43:05,450 --> 00:43:08,368
Doo arb eshpected, thir.
425
00:43:10,163 --> 00:43:13,165
What?
426
00:43:13,333 --> 00:43:16,619
Doo arb expected, thir.
427
00:43:16,794 --> 00:43:18,076
Thith way, thir.
428
00:43:54,999 --> 00:43:57,490
Good evening, gentlemen.
429
00:44:09,972 --> 00:44:12,547
Er... let me explain our presence-
430
00:44:12,725 --> 00:44:15,596
I know why you're here,
Sir Nicholas Sheet-Lightning!
431
00:44:15,770 --> 00:44:20,184
I know what black and bloody business
brings you to the house of Dr. Pea.
432
00:44:24,070 --> 00:44:30,655
If you are cognisant of our plot, Dr. Pea,
then, pray tell... can you help us?
433
00:44:31,703 --> 00:44:33,909
Help you...?
434
00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:37,164
Assassinate the Protestant King?
435
00:44:50,930 --> 00:44:53,006
- I'm tired tonight.
- Are you?
436
00:44:53,182 --> 00:44:54,641
Shattered.
437
00:44:55,435 --> 00:44:59,220
I see you had little success
with your previous endeavours.
438
00:44:59,397 --> 00:45:02,267
- How can he know?
- You are the very devil, sir!
439
00:45:02,442 --> 00:45:04,731
Not quite.
440
00:45:06,154 --> 00:45:07,779
This is the devil.
441
00:45:13,244 --> 00:45:15,997
But his methods are mine.
442
00:45:16,164 --> 00:45:18,655
So,
443
00:45:18,833 --> 00:45:21,123
you would kill the King.
444
00:45:24,922 --> 00:45:27,841
Happily, I have a scheme.
445
00:45:29,469 --> 00:45:32,720
What know you of the King's Evil?
446
00:45:32,889 --> 00:45:35,843
- Oh, plenty. I've heard he's horrible...
- No, you dolt.
447
00:45:36,017 --> 00:45:39,184
The King's Evil is the name given
to a senseless ceremony
448
00:45:39,353 --> 00:45:44,099
whereby the monarch's touch is said to cure
all manner of pox and canker.
449
00:45:44,275 --> 00:45:49,982
Senseless it may be, but a perfect means
of getting close to His Protestant Majesty.
450
00:45:50,156 --> 00:45:53,525
Yes. One of us, disguised,
451
00:45:53,701 --> 00:45:58,612
perhaps with a wig,
could smuggle a baby beneath his breeches.
452
00:45:58,790 --> 00:46:01,411
- Said baby...
- Oh, shut up!
453
00:46:01,584 --> 00:46:05,036
Could we be a little
subtler in our technique?
454
00:46:05,213 --> 00:46:07,205
Think of this, if you can.
455
00:46:07,381 --> 00:46:11,926
A creature grown from seed as in nature.
456
00:46:12,094 --> 00:46:14,633
An homunculus.
457
00:46:14,806 --> 00:46:19,136
- A demon?
- No, an homunculus.
458
00:46:20,061 --> 00:46:22,896
Through spells,
I can fashion such a creature
459
00:46:23,064 --> 00:46:26,646
and cause his skin to weep a lethal venom.
460
00:46:27,902 --> 00:46:31,687
- A poison'd man.
- Exactly.
461
00:46:31,864 --> 00:46:37,488
One touch of this Caliban's wretched hide
will be enough to kill King William.
462
00:46:40,706 --> 00:46:41,952
'Tis a fair scheme.
463
00:46:42,124 --> 00:46:45,493
And there will be nothing
to connect us to such a plan.
464
00:46:45,670 --> 00:46:47,829
It is magnificent.
465
00:46:48,005 --> 00:46:50,295
But wait, gentlemen, you forget.
466
00:46:50,466 --> 00:46:54,631
To make compact with the Dark One,
there is always a price.
467
00:46:58,391 --> 00:47:04,643
- I don't know what he's talking about.
- You each have to give me a bit of your body.
468
00:47:04,814 --> 00:47:08,183
You, clippings from your toenails.
469
00:47:10,278 --> 00:47:13,445
You, a cup of your drool.
470
00:47:15,324 --> 00:47:17,281
And you...
471
00:47:17,451 --> 00:47:20,738
- Both of your eyes.
- What?!
472
00:47:20,913 --> 00:47:24,959
Both of your eyes.
The creature has to see, sweetie.
473
00:47:25,126 --> 00:47:29,171
- Yes, but they didn't get any...
- Don't sulk! Moving on.
474
00:47:29,338 --> 00:47:31,379
- Aye.
- Aye.
- No!
475
00:48:32,443 --> 00:48:34,528
Ooh, yeah.
476
00:49:28,791 --> 00:49:31,200
It begins...
477
00:49:39,010 --> 00:49:41,501
...In a minute.
478
00:50:15,296 --> 00:50:18,298
What is it? What have you done?
479
00:50:19,216 --> 00:50:20,877
Come!
480
00:50:23,471 --> 00:50:25,381
Come...
481
00:50:41,655 --> 00:50:44,325
Oh. His eyes.
482
00:50:45,659 --> 00:50:47,735
You forgot his glasses.
483
00:50:56,045 --> 00:50:58,536
Help! Someone help me!
484
00:51:06,680 --> 00:51:09,433
Now, where were we?
485
00:51:22,196 --> 00:51:25,198
- Have you staggered far?
- God bless you.
486
00:51:25,366 --> 00:51:28,154
Great God, this is wrong.
487
00:51:28,327 --> 00:51:33,286
To think we have supped with the very devil
in our quest to do the Lord's work.
488
00:51:33,457 --> 00:51:38,119
- You say that now! Thank you very much!
- All will be well if we keep our nerve.
489
00:51:38,295 --> 00:51:40,206
But mark you,
490
00:51:40,381 --> 00:51:43,216
touch not this monster's flesh.
491
00:51:45,511 --> 00:51:47,136
God bless you.
492
00:51:52,401 --> 00:51:53,805
You get in line 'ere.
493
00:51:53,978 --> 00:51:56,054
God bless you.
494
00:51:57,481 --> 00:51:59,936
That's an interesting canker.
495
00:52:01,068 --> 00:52:02,670
God bless you.
496
00:52:06,365 --> 00:52:08,524
God bless you.
497
00:52:27,219 --> 00:52:30,007
Don't touch it, King, it's poisoned!
498
00:52:34,602 --> 00:52:36,678
We are undone!
499
00:52:44,570 --> 00:52:45,602
Aaah!
500
00:52:47,615 --> 00:52:51,363
I just, er... saved your life.
501
00:52:52,620 --> 00:52:55,657
Right, panic over. I caught him.
502
00:52:55,831 --> 00:52:57,409
Geoff?
503
00:53:00,002 --> 00:53:01,544
Geoff?
504
00:53:13,891 --> 00:53:16,809
"Geoff Tipps, a clever man with a big cock,"
505
00:53:16,977 --> 00:53:20,264
"comes in and stops the king
from being killed."
506
00:53:20,940 --> 00:53:23,561
"He is a hero."
507
00:53:23,734 --> 00:53:26,439
"His cock is big."
508
00:53:27,738 --> 00:53:30,407
Oh, Geoff, you bloody idiot!
509
00:53:39,208 --> 00:53:43,075
♪ Schlaf, Kindlein, schlaf
510
00:53:44,505 --> 00:53:48,420
♪ Schlaf, Kindlein, schlaf
511
00:53:48,592 --> 00:53:53,468
♪ Der Vater hüt die Schaf...
512
00:53:53,639 --> 00:53:56,759
- Steve?
- Shh.
513
00:53:56,934 --> 00:54:00,054
She's, er... she's just dropped off.
514
00:54:11,240 --> 00:54:14,110
- Did you have a nice time?
- Yeah.
515
00:54:19,581 --> 00:54:21,574
What's up?
516
00:54:22,626 --> 00:54:24,252
Nothing.
517
00:54:24,420 --> 00:54:26,626
You've been busy.
518
00:54:26,797 --> 00:54:30,748
Well, I can't live in a pigpen.
I have allergies.
519
00:54:30,926 --> 00:54:34,509
I run my finger round all your rims,
and look!
520
00:54:36,348 --> 00:54:41,853
So, um... our Sally told me about
what's been happening at her school.
521
00:54:42,021 --> 00:54:44,476
I have to say, I think it's appalling.
522
00:54:44,648 --> 00:54:47,519
- Did she talk to you about it?
- Oh, for sure.
523
00:54:47,693 --> 00:54:50,184
In fact, I might speak to her teachers.
524
00:54:50,362 --> 00:54:53,530
They obviously have no idea
how to handle titties, er, bullies.
525
00:54:55,466 --> 00:54:56,718
Bullies.
526
00:54:57,911 --> 00:55:01,706
Right, well, erm... I think I'll leave you
to get yourself off, and-
527
00:55:02,207 --> 00:55:04,367
I'll just go and empty the bins.
528
00:55:04,543 --> 00:55:05,777
Steve?
529
00:55:11,842 --> 00:55:13,609
Will you rub my feet?
530
00:55:24,259 --> 00:55:25,781
Properly.
531
00:55:31,956 --> 00:55:33,447
You're not funny, y'know.
532
00:55:35,240 --> 00:55:37,281
I'm not trying to be funny.
533
00:55:37,451 --> 00:55:41,662
I just...
haven't been feeling myself recently.
534
00:55:42,706 --> 00:55:43,749
Aww.
535
00:55:46,085 --> 00:55:48,493
Come here.
536
00:55:58,138 --> 00:56:00,179
Thank you.
537
00:56:03,310 --> 00:56:05,303
Look, I know it's hard...
538
00:56:05,479 --> 00:56:07,769
It isn't.
539
00:56:07,940 --> 00:56:11,226
I mean... you know,
I've been stressed out with the kids,
540
00:56:11,402 --> 00:56:13,810
and you've been working really hard, and-
541
00:56:13,987 --> 00:56:17,191
You've been bringing those characters
home with you.
542
00:56:17,366 --> 00:56:19,608
That's true, yeah.
543
00:56:22,037 --> 00:56:25,288
Things are just feeling really...
good between us.
544
00:56:25,457 --> 00:56:26,727
Good.
545
00:56:32,089 --> 00:56:36,419
Um... that reminds me, actually, erm...
546
00:56:36,593 --> 00:56:39,962
I must go and... empty the Hoover bag.
547
00:56:45,727 --> 00:56:47,851
The sack is full.
548
00:56:56,864 --> 00:57:01,526
Right, here's one for you. There's
an Englishman, Irishman, Scotchman...
549
00:57:01,702 --> 00:57:04,027
Oh, that's the best one yet!
550
00:57:04,204 --> 00:57:08,998
Imagine, an Irishman in that company!
Very good.
551
00:57:09,168 --> 00:57:12,916
- There's loads more to it. He's spoiling it.
- Ignore him. Go on.
552
00:57:13,088 --> 00:57:16,837
Get your gob round another goblet.
You're the hero of the hour.
553
00:57:17,009 --> 00:57:20,545
- I know. I am, aren't I?
- You are.
554
00:57:26,018 --> 00:57:31,855
Excuse me, thy ladyship, but, er...
wouldst thee like to see my cock?
555
00:57:32,024 --> 00:57:35,772
- It's gone bloody massive.
- When I've had me pudding.
556
00:57:35,944 --> 00:57:37,226
My lords.
557
00:57:37,404 --> 00:57:43,407
Let us raise our glasses
and toast our new friend and champion,
558
00:57:43,577 --> 00:57:48,702
Master Geoffrey Tipps,
who, with great bravery,
559
00:57:48,874 --> 00:57:51,994
has saved us from a deadly assassin
560
00:57:53,045 --> 00:57:55,500
of unknown provenance.
561
00:57:56,840 --> 00:58:00,791
- Master Tipps.
- Master Tipps!
562
00:58:00,969 --> 00:58:02,926
Cheers!
563
00:58:05,015 --> 00:58:07,305
Come forward, Master Geoffrey.
564
00:58:11,522 --> 00:58:13,688
- Kneel before your king.
- All right.
565
00:58:14,917 --> 00:58:18,185
Ooh, God, did you hear me knees then?
566
00:58:22,616 --> 00:58:25,700
Arise, Sir Geoffrey!
567
00:58:25,869 --> 00:58:28,574
Sir Geoffrey!
568
00:58:28,747 --> 00:58:31,286
Come, join us briefly in our royal chambers.
569
00:58:31,458 --> 00:58:35,041
Yeah, good. I could do with a crap. See ya.
570
00:58:39,258 --> 00:58:41,666
There goes me cock.
571
00:58:55,232 --> 00:58:59,017
- What's this?
- Receipts for my expenses.
572
00:58:59,194 --> 00:59:00,855
You don't have expenses!
573
00:59:01,029 --> 00:59:03,983
You try feeding a family of six.
It isn't easy.
574
00:59:04,157 --> 00:59:07,657
I'm trying to get Pemberton
to write us a Royston Vasey film.
575
00:59:07,828 --> 00:59:12,490
He keeps his old ideas in the spare room.
Find them and bring them to me.
576
00:59:12,666 --> 00:59:14,825
When am I supposed to do this? Hm?
577
00:59:15,002 --> 00:59:17,956
I've got to pick Joel up from tennis,
take Sally to cello
578
00:59:18,130 --> 00:59:22,081
and there's the baby's postnatal
appointment. I'm completely creamed over.
579
00:59:23,510 --> 00:59:26,381
You would do well to remember, Herr Lipp,
580
00:59:26,555 --> 00:59:30,340
that you're a pun, a one-joke character,
like the rest of us,
581
00:59:30,517 --> 00:59:33,352
and if Royston Vasey dies, you die with it!
582
00:59:33,520 --> 00:59:35,265
So you do as you're told,
583
00:59:35,439 --> 00:59:38,476
otherwise I might have to employ
more extreme measures.
584
00:59:38,650 --> 00:59:41,023
Alles klar?
585
00:59:41,194 --> 00:59:42,571
Alles klar.
586
00:59:47,534 --> 00:59:49,310
- I just have to wait a few minutes-
- Er, yeah.
587
00:59:51,705 --> 00:59:53,947
Lovely day for it.
588
00:59:59,112 --> 01:00:00,612
Ugh...
589
01:00:06,136 --> 01:00:09,138
So, tell me, Sir Geoffrey,
590
01:00:09,306 --> 01:00:13,553
what know you of this conspiracy
against our Protestant person?
591
01:00:13,727 --> 01:00:16,266
What think you of this popery?
592
01:00:16,438 --> 01:00:17,980
Pot-pourri?
593
01:00:18,148 --> 01:00:22,063
Can't see any, King. You could
do with some in here, mind. It stinks.
594
01:00:24,475 --> 01:00:25,771
What you doing?
595
01:00:25,947 --> 01:00:28,356
King, King,
there's an old fella in the toilet!
596
01:00:28,533 --> 01:00:30,360
'Tis only I, sir. Tom Tit.
597
01:00:30,535 --> 01:00:31,578
Who?
598
01:00:31,745 --> 01:00:36,823
Tom Tit. The night-soil man,
guardian of the royal stool.
599
01:00:37,000 --> 01:00:39,456
It's my function to take away your leavings.
600
01:00:39,628 --> 01:00:41,953
I can't go with you looking up me bum!
601
01:00:42,130 --> 01:00:47,089
If I might make so bold, sir,
there are methods of easing the passage.
602
01:00:50,681 --> 01:00:55,758
♪ Come out, come out,
Reluctant stool
603
01:00:56,812 --> 01:01:00,513
♪ Play not your maker for a fool
604
01:01:00,691 --> 01:01:05,187
♪ Oh, naughty guts, let go your prize
605
01:01:05,987 --> 01:01:11,231
♪ Let's cut this bum egg
606
01:01:11,410 --> 01:01:15,241
♪ Down to size-
607
01:01:19,584 --> 01:01:22,538
- Hello?
- Hello.
608
01:01:50,365 --> 01:01:53,652
"New character ideas."
609
01:01:53,827 --> 01:01:57,114
A clown with leprosy...
610
01:01:57,289 --> 01:02:00,658
White supremacist scoutmaster.
611
01:02:00,834 --> 01:02:03,159
Oh, that's very weak.
612
01:02:55,185 --> 01:02:56,669
Put him there.
613
01:03:00,477 --> 01:03:04,262
Have you done it? Did you get him?
Can I have his eyes?
614
01:03:04,439 --> 01:03:05,934
Later.
615
01:03:06,107 --> 01:03:10,272
Now, then. Let us examine our prize.
616
01:03:13,240 --> 01:03:17,321
- What queer finery he wears.
- I'm not queer! Don't bum me!
617
01:03:19,830 --> 01:03:22,238
"George of ASDA."
618
01:03:22,415 --> 01:03:25,535
- Who art thou, ASDA?
- Calm yourself, sir.
619
01:03:25,710 --> 01:03:29,875
Enough of this fubsy.
I have devices that will loosen his tongue.
620
01:03:30,048 --> 01:03:35,292
Why, I shall play him as a night-soil man
plays his poop spinet.
621
01:03:35,470 --> 01:03:38,139
What d'you mean, devices?
622
01:03:38,306 --> 01:03:41,889
Instruments of excruciating torment.
623
01:03:44,062 --> 01:03:48,439
We shall introduce you to...
the lady's cuddle.
624
01:03:51,027 --> 01:03:52,605
Sounds nice.
625
01:03:58,827 --> 01:04:01,662
Oh, please, God, I'll tell you anything!
626
01:04:01,830 --> 01:04:04,583
- I haven't started yet.
- Oh, right.
627
01:04:04,749 --> 01:04:06,457
Now I've started.
628
01:04:06,626 --> 01:04:10,458
Aaargh... At least let me take me coat off.
I'm boiling!
629
01:04:10,630 --> 01:04:14,581
Where do you come from?
What know you of the homunculus?
630
01:04:14,759 --> 01:04:16,551
What is an homunculus?
631
01:04:16,720 --> 01:04:19,555
We waste time.
Crush the marrow from his bones.
632
01:04:19,723 --> 01:04:23,140
Okay, Okay! Which one of you's
Ponsonby Snottington-Smythe?
633
01:04:23,310 --> 01:04:26,727
- He knows my real name.
- Yeah, I've read the whole plot.
634
01:04:26,897 --> 01:04:29,305
- We are betrayed.
- How know you of it?
635
01:04:29,482 --> 01:04:33,018
- There's these three fellas...
- You jest with me now, sir.
636
01:04:33,194 --> 01:04:35,685
Aaagh! No, there really are!
637
01:04:35,864 --> 01:04:38,189
They invented me, but they're doing you now.
638
01:04:38,366 --> 01:04:41,154
You're not real.
You think you are, but you're not.
639
01:04:41,328 --> 01:04:43,487
They control everything.
640
01:04:43,663 --> 01:04:45,205
Who betrayed our stratagem?
641
01:04:45,373 --> 01:04:49,075
I'm no longer concerned
with such petty affairs.
642
01:04:53,465 --> 01:04:57,593
Tell me more of these inventors.
643
01:04:57,761 --> 01:05:01,260
I don't understand it meself.
I-I can't tell you anything!
644
01:05:01,431 --> 01:05:04,052
On the contrary, George of ASDA.
645
01:05:04,225 --> 01:05:06,218
You will tell me...
646
01:05:06,394 --> 01:05:08,387
everything.
647
01:05:26,969 --> 01:05:27,928
Hello?
648
01:05:27,929 --> 01:05:31,202
- Hi, Reece, it's Steve.
- Oh, where are you?
649
01:05:31,378 --> 01:05:33,252
- I'm in Hadfield. Listen...
- Hadfield?
650
01:05:33,421 --> 01:05:35,960
What you doing there?
We've got this benefit gig tonight.
651
01:05:36,132 --> 01:05:37,461
Just listen, okay?
652
01:05:38,510 --> 01:05:42,009
Oh, Jesus. The characters
from Royston Vasey are alive.
653
01:05:42,180 --> 01:05:45,846
Th-They've come alive and they want us
to write a film for them, because-
654
01:05:46,017 --> 01:05:50,561
They stole the computer, yeah?
It was them who stole the computer-
655
01:05:50,730 --> 01:05:52,854
I'm standing here with Hilary Briss.
656
01:05:53,024 --> 01:05:54,328
Oh, you bastard.
657
01:05:54,354 --> 01:05:57,504
All that rather than spend two minutes of
your time helping out a load of mongoloids.
658
01:05:57,839 --> 01:05:59,004
It's true!
659
01:06:00,991 --> 01:06:02,901
He doesn't believe me.
660
01:06:03,076 --> 01:06:05,864
Give it here... This is Hilary Briss.
661
01:06:06,037 --> 01:06:10,249
Oh, hello, Mr. Briss.
This is Mr. Shearsmith.
662
01:06:10,417 --> 01:06:13,501
Not you as well, Mark.
I'm not doing this gig on my own.
663
01:06:13,670 --> 01:06:18,878
If you want to see your colleague alive, you
will listen carefully to what I have to say.
664
01:06:19,926 --> 01:06:24,837
I have some information
you may find... very interesting.
665
01:06:25,015 --> 01:06:26,213
I'm listening.
666
01:06:26,391 --> 01:06:30,306
Erm... does your man
have some moustaches?
667
01:06:30,478 --> 01:06:35,105
- No.
- Okay, so it's not Roger, Charles or Lucas.
668
01:06:38,194 --> 01:06:40,898
Now, no cheating, huh?
669
01:06:53,585 --> 01:06:55,744
Hiya, lads.
670
01:06:55,920 --> 01:06:59,207
You look very smart.
What's the occasion?
671
01:06:59,382 --> 01:07:02,918
It's that benefit gig tonight.
We talked about it last week.
672
01:07:03,094 --> 01:07:07,389
Oh reet, ja. I'd forget me own head
if it weren't fucked on.
673
01:07:07,557 --> 01:07:11,009
You remember what it's for, don't you...
Steve?
674
01:07:11,186 --> 01:07:14,603
Oh, for sure. Ja, it's the, erm...
675
01:07:15,899 --> 01:07:17,560
AIDS...
676
01:07:19,527 --> 01:07:20,904
Homeless...
677
01:07:21,071 --> 01:07:25,152
Gypsies Trust, in't it?
I'll just go and get me uniform.
678
01:07:25,325 --> 01:07:30,699
- Aber schnell, wir müssen nicht spät sein.
- Ja, genau so, es ist halb zwei...
679
01:07:34,626 --> 01:07:36,702
Scheisse.
680
01:07:43,593 --> 01:07:45,254
Get in!
681
01:08:00,318 --> 01:08:01,896
There!
682
01:08:07,242 --> 01:08:08,404
Come on!
683
01:08:10,954 --> 01:08:13,362
No, no, don't take me back there!
684
01:08:13,540 --> 01:08:17,490
- There, that must be it!
- Oh, no...
685
01:08:19,379 --> 01:08:21,834
Please...
686
01:08:25,593 --> 01:08:27,504
That's it.
687
01:08:37,605 --> 01:08:39,516
Evening, gents.
688
01:08:56,541 --> 01:08:59,792
- Shall we conclude our business?
- Let Steve go first.
689
01:09:04,382 --> 01:09:06,873
How could you not tell the difference?
690
01:09:07,051 --> 01:09:10,255
I thought you were staying in character,
like a Mike Leigh thing.
691
01:09:10,430 --> 01:09:11,972
What about those eyes?
692
01:09:12,140 --> 01:09:14,928
I thought you were tired,
all your babies and that.
693
01:09:15,101 --> 01:09:17,177
Oh, great.
694
01:09:19,022 --> 01:09:22,557
- You should spend time with your family.
- Fuck off!
695
01:09:27,989 --> 01:09:32,450
- You might want to change.
- Yes.
696
01:09:32,619 --> 01:09:34,196
Yes, I do.
697
01:09:34,370 --> 01:09:37,289
Well, thank you for your cooperation.
698
01:09:37,457 --> 01:09:41,075
- That's it?
- That's it. You're free to go.
699
01:09:41,252 --> 01:09:46,876
- It was nice meeting you. I hope...
- Can we just go now, please?
700
01:09:50,303 --> 01:09:54,254
Thank you for helping me,
but it really wasn't necessary.
701
01:09:54,432 --> 01:09:56,342
I didn't do it for you.
702
01:10:17,288 --> 01:10:18,570
Shittington!
703
01:10:19,165 --> 01:10:22,416
Welcome to Royston Vasey.
704
01:10:22,585 --> 01:10:24,330
This isn't possible.
705
01:10:24,504 --> 01:10:27,458
I'm afraid it is.
And it's all your fault.
706
01:10:27,632 --> 01:10:32,093
It's about time you took
some responsibility for your actions.
707
01:10:32,262 --> 01:10:36,093
This is all that's left of
a once proud creation,
708
01:10:36,266 --> 01:10:38,591
cast aside like a bit of scrag-end.
709
01:10:38,768 --> 01:10:41,805
- But we didn't write this!
- Precisely.
710
01:10:41,980 --> 01:10:46,191
You've been far too busy doing
Ponsonby Snottington-Smythe,
711
01:10:46,359 --> 01:10:49,895
and in the process, condemning us to this.
712
01:10:51,197 --> 01:10:53,818
Come on out. They won't bite you.
713
01:11:02,458 --> 01:11:06,456
The League of Gentlemen. Extraordinary!
714
01:11:08,089 --> 01:11:09,548
Hiya.
715
01:11:13,136 --> 01:11:17,846
We've put our heads together and
come up with a list of film ideas for us.
716
01:11:18,016 --> 01:11:20,341
You know, just to get you going.
717
01:11:23,980 --> 01:11:27,563
"All the Vasey characters
go on holiday together to Spain."
718
01:11:27,734 --> 01:11:29,975
Yeah, that were mine, actually.
719
01:11:30,153 --> 01:11:32,442
Imagine this lot checking
in on an aeroplane.
720
01:11:32,613 --> 01:11:36,742
And when they get there, the hotel's
not finished, no one speaks the lingo...
721
01:11:39,387 --> 01:11:43,313
"One of the characters is mistaken
for a gangster by the Mafia"
722
01:11:43,353 --> 01:11:45,887
"and gets chased around
with a bag of money."
723
01:11:49,756 --> 01:11:53,753
"A clown with leprosy befriends
a white supremacist scoutmaster."
724
01:11:53,926 --> 01:11:56,631
Who wrote this?
725
01:11:56,804 --> 01:11:59,675
Ignore them,
they're not even proper characters.
726
01:11:59,849 --> 01:12:03,301
We're not doing any more Royston Vasey.
We've all agreed.
727
01:12:04,479 --> 01:12:05,760
- Actually...
- Steve.
728
01:12:05,938 --> 01:12:08,145
No, no, hang on a minute.
729
01:12:08,316 --> 01:12:11,318
There might be a way of doing it.
What about...
730
01:12:12,904 --> 01:12:15,395
This is a really good idea, actually.
What if...?
731
01:12:19,911 --> 01:12:21,453
Fuckin' hell!
732
01:12:23,456 --> 01:12:27,917
Give it to me.
You sightless shit! We need them alive!
733
01:12:31,214 --> 01:12:32,412
Geoff!
734
01:12:32,590 --> 01:12:38,012
I'm sorry! They made me tell 'em everything!
They put me in a box with me coat on!
735
01:12:38,179 --> 01:12:40,753
I know it doesn't sound much
when you say it out loud.
736
01:12:40,932 --> 01:12:44,799
- Who are they?
- These must be our replacements.
737
01:12:45,895 --> 01:12:47,093
What d'you want?
738
01:12:47,271 --> 01:12:51,483
I have no quarrel with you,
my brothers in fiction!
739
01:12:51,651 --> 01:12:55,352
Hand over the creators
and there need be no more bloodshed!
740
01:12:56,697 --> 01:13:00,280
Give up the writers? Over my dead body.
741
01:13:00,451 --> 01:13:02,693
So be it.
742
01:13:20,888 --> 01:13:22,881
After them!
743
01:13:23,933 --> 01:13:25,261
This way!
744
01:13:25,435 --> 01:13:28,934
You've got to stop him!
He's, like, the main baddy in this!
745
01:13:44,495 --> 01:13:46,737
- Maybe we can get in there.
- Okay.
746
01:14:00,720 --> 01:14:04,256
Get up after them!
I must have those writers!
747
01:14:04,432 --> 01:14:09,307
Nay! We will not be twiddle-twaddled about
like pawns on a chequer-board!
748
01:14:09,479 --> 01:14:11,804
You are right.
749
01:14:11,981 --> 01:14:15,517
I declare this game... Ended!
750
01:14:17,410 --> 01:14:18,632
Ooh! What were that?
751
01:14:23,367 --> 01:14:25,112
Ooh, you bad sod.
752
01:14:26,120 --> 01:14:27,532
Is Steve really dead?
753
01:14:27,705 --> 01:14:30,374
He can't be!
We can't be harmed by our creations.
754
01:14:30,541 --> 01:14:33,080
- Incorrect! Frankenstein.
- Oh, yeah.
755
01:14:34,295 --> 01:14:37,664
Mind you, this is a bit more like
The Poseidon Adventure, innit?
756
01:14:37,840 --> 01:14:42,135
Yeah, as long as I'm not that fat one
that drowns. What's she called?
757
01:14:44,764 --> 01:14:46,888
Shelley Winters.
758
01:14:48,601 --> 01:14:50,725
That's another one gone, then.
759
01:14:50,895 --> 01:14:54,941
One writer yet remains.
We must secure him or we all perish!
760
01:14:55,107 --> 01:14:57,563
Here, hold this.
761
01:14:57,735 --> 01:15:01,234
- Ooh, it smells like, er, eggs.
- Well, they're in it, yes.
762
01:15:04,367 --> 01:15:06,443
Oh, come off it!
763
01:15:10,039 --> 01:15:13,408
You! Germany! Make yourself useful.
764
01:15:13,584 --> 01:15:16,372
Don't let anyone back in this crypt. Nobody!
765
01:15:16,546 --> 01:15:19,120
Alles klar. What are you going to do?
766
01:15:22,385 --> 01:15:24,924
I'm going to rewrite history.
767
01:15:32,520 --> 01:15:34,395
Pea!
768
01:15:39,944 --> 01:15:42,732
- It's finished.
- Finished?
769
01:15:42,905 --> 01:15:46,773
- I have the two remaining writers.
- Erm...
770
01:15:49,036 --> 01:15:53,117
One remaining writer, and he's agreed
to carry on doing Royston Vasey.
771
01:15:53,291 --> 01:15:56,126
- Has he?
- Yes.
772
01:15:56,294 --> 01:15:58,453
He likes your character, Pea,
773
01:15:58,629 --> 01:16:04,253
and he's prepared to write you
regular cameos as a baddy...chemist
774
01:16:04,427 --> 01:16:07,796
if you'll go back to them days now.
775
01:16:08,848 --> 01:16:11,138
A baddy chemist.
776
01:16:12,643 --> 01:16:15,562
I know you, meat-fletcher.
777
01:16:15,730 --> 01:16:17,854
We are kindred spirits.
778
01:16:19,191 --> 01:16:21,232
This place,
779
01:16:21,402 --> 01:16:23,811
it's had its day.
780
01:16:23,988 --> 01:16:27,903
Come with me. You know where you belong.
781
01:16:36,083 --> 01:16:38,658
You're right, Pea. I do know.
782
01:16:42,632 --> 01:16:44,921
I belong here.
783
01:16:46,427 --> 01:16:48,384
Then...
784
01:16:48,554 --> 01:16:53,299
you... Shall die, here!
785
01:17:00,566 --> 01:17:03,319
What the hell is that?
786
01:17:03,486 --> 01:17:06,190
That, Hilary,
787
01:17:06,364 --> 01:17:08,689
is an homunculus.
788
01:17:35,017 --> 01:17:37,093
Go on, Hilary!
789
01:17:41,107 --> 01:17:44,144
And I thought the pigeons were bad.
790
01:17:54,203 --> 01:17:55,829
Get it stabbed!
791
01:17:55,996 --> 01:18:00,623
It's not so easy. The creature seems
to be secreting some sort of poison.
792
01:18:11,220 --> 01:18:13,973
I cannot allow you to enter my passage.
793
01:18:25,985 --> 01:18:27,443
Yes!
794
01:18:29,029 --> 01:18:32,529
Please, if you let me go,
I'll write you your own series.
795
01:18:32,700 --> 01:18:35,453
A spin-off,
Less of Your Lipp it can be called.
796
01:18:35,619 --> 01:18:38,704
Just you doing innuendoes
week, after week, after week.
797
01:18:38,873 --> 01:18:41,364
You're such an easy character to write for.
798
01:18:41,542 --> 01:18:42,870
Am I?
799
01:19:00,686 --> 01:19:03,225
Yes! You've done it, Hilary!
800
01:19:08,486 --> 01:19:10,645
Sorry, I had to cheat.
801
01:19:11,989 --> 01:19:13,816
Hilary!
802
01:19:17,244 --> 01:19:20,115
It's too late, Geoff. I've had it.
803
01:19:20,289 --> 01:19:23,124
Oh, don't say that.
You'll be all right. Come on!
804
01:19:23,292 --> 01:19:25,617
It's up to you now.
805
01:19:25,795 --> 01:19:28,369
The future of Royston Vasey's in your hands.
806
01:19:28,547 --> 01:19:30,623
Oh, shit! What can I do?
807
01:19:32,426 --> 01:19:36,840
I think you'll be surprised what you can do.
You're strong...
808
01:19:37,014 --> 01:19:40,348
- You've got a good heart.
- I'm not gonna kiss you or owt.
809
01:19:41,811 --> 01:19:43,768
Hilary!
810
01:19:47,066 --> 01:19:49,819
I'm... dead meat.
811
01:19:56,992 --> 01:19:59,697
Well, well, well.
812
01:19:59,870 --> 01:20:03,488
You seem to have something of a task ahead.
813
01:20:05,000 --> 01:20:08,702
But do you have the courage
to take the helm?
814
01:20:10,047 --> 01:20:12,088
I thought not.
815
01:20:14,051 --> 01:20:16,590
More fool the butcher
816
01:20:16,762 --> 01:20:22,848
for bequeathing responsibility
to a baboon like you!
817
01:20:25,070 --> 01:20:26,637
Stand up, hog!
818
01:20:28,107 --> 01:20:30,616
Let us put an end to thy shame.
819
01:20:31,610 --> 01:20:35,691
- One last thing before you kill me.
- What is it, George of ASDA?
820
01:20:35,865 --> 01:20:37,857
A taste of your own medicine.
821
01:20:41,453 --> 01:20:45,535
You, my friend, are F-U-K-T. Fucked.
822
01:20:46,584 --> 01:20:48,126
You bitch.
823
01:20:56,886 --> 01:21:00,338
Right, come on, everybody. Follow me!
824
01:21:04,894 --> 01:21:07,895
Has he started writing?
Hilary said he'd changed his mind.
825
01:21:08,063 --> 01:21:10,733
- I have.
- And so have I!
826
01:21:10,900 --> 01:21:13,818
- Everyone stay where they are, please.
- What are you doing?
827
01:21:13,986 --> 01:21:17,853
You'll have to forgive me,
I've just come over a little queer.
828
01:21:18,908 --> 01:21:22,241
I don't know whether to take you in hand
or shoot both barrels into your mouth.
829
01:21:22,411 --> 01:21:25,495
- What would you suggest, huh?
- They both sound disgusting.
830
01:21:25,664 --> 01:21:29,033
- You do realise Steve and Reece are dead?
- It matters not.
831
01:21:29,209 --> 01:21:32,211
Of course it matters!
If he dies, we all die!
832
01:21:32,379 --> 01:21:34,420
- Precisely.
- Somebody do something!
833
01:21:34,590 --> 01:21:37,793
- Don't, man, you'll kill us all!
- I will free us all.
834
01:21:37,968 --> 01:21:40,590
Don't you see?
We're already free.
835
01:21:40,763 --> 01:21:43,681
We killed the monster.
We've beaten the prophecy.
836
01:21:43,849 --> 01:21:46,305
But we do not have free will.
837
01:21:47,311 --> 01:21:50,810
You will never believe in God or the Bible.
838
01:21:52,524 --> 01:21:55,858
You will never save the life of an animal.
839
01:21:58,447 --> 01:22:01,484
I will never have children.
840
01:22:01,659 --> 01:22:05,490
What is our quality of life
if we cannot change who we are?
841
01:22:06,248 --> 01:22:07,739
Wait!
842
01:22:08,916 --> 01:22:10,452
What about me?
843
01:22:11,669 --> 01:22:13,538
I've changed.
844
01:22:14,254 --> 01:22:18,003
I'm always the big fat stupid idiot
that messes everything up.
845
01:22:18,175 --> 01:22:20,055
Don't say owt, I know I am.
846
01:22:25,599 --> 01:22:27,267
But today...
847
01:22:28,644 --> 01:22:30,416
I'm the hero.
848
01:22:30,688 --> 01:22:33,357
I saved Vasey,
just like Hilary said I would.
849
01:22:33,524 --> 01:22:35,434
- He's dead, by the way.
- Aw...
850
01:22:35,609 --> 01:22:37,068
I know.
851
01:22:37,236 --> 01:22:39,857
Don't kill Mark Gatiss.
852
01:22:40,030 --> 01:22:45,073
'Cause if you do that, you're not giving him
the chance to change.
853
01:22:47,121 --> 01:22:49,362
That's all I ask. Just-
854
01:22:51,041 --> 01:22:53,532
give him a chance.
855
01:22:54,586 --> 01:22:57,042
Just give us all a chance.
856
01:22:59,466 --> 01:23:01,922
I couldn't have done any damage anyway,
safety's on look.
857
01:23:32,291 --> 01:23:37,084
- He's dead.
- Soz about that. Don't know what happened.
858
01:23:37,254 --> 01:23:41,584
That's okay.
I preferred you the way you were, anyway.
859
01:23:41,759 --> 01:23:44,629
So, how come we're still here?
860
01:23:44,803 --> 01:23:48,884
That's right. If he's dead, then surely...
861
01:23:51,226 --> 01:23:53,516
It's a miracle!
862
01:24:16,794 --> 01:24:20,412
- Nice one, Geoff.
- Well done, lad.
863
01:24:29,848 --> 01:24:31,390
Hello.
864
01:24:32,559 --> 01:24:34,635
Hello, there.
865
01:24:40,400 --> 01:24:46,356
Sir... Sir, we can't find our mummy
or daddy. Will you look after us?
866
01:24:47,407 --> 01:24:49,234
Of course.
867
01:24:49,409 --> 01:24:50,908
I would be honoured.
868
01:24:51,912 --> 01:24:53,036
Come.
869
01:25:13,600 --> 01:25:18,476
Well, Hilary, it looks like
we do have free will after all.
870
01:25:37,749 --> 01:25:41,285
- I wonder what he's thinking.
- Well, he had a terrible fall.
871
01:25:41,461 --> 01:25:44,214
There must be something keeping him going.
872
01:25:44,381 --> 01:25:47,549
Come on, then. Let's leave him to it.
64397
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