Original subtitles

[EKG beeping] [heart beating]

[steady beep]

[somber string music]

*

- [sighs]

TIME OF DEATH, 2:47 P.M.

- [crying]

- WHERE'S YOUR BROTHER?

WHERE'S ANGUS?

[dramatic Scottish folk music]

- MY NAME IS ANGUS MCLEOD.

TODAY MY FATHER'S LIFE WAS CUT SHORT,

AND WHEN A LOVED ONE IS RIPPED FROM YOUR LIFE,

JUSTICE MUST BE SERVED.

NOW IS THE TIME TO GET MY REVENGE.

[screams]

YAH!

- ANGUS, STOP IT!

STOP IT, ANGUS!

ANGUS, STOP IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M GETTING REVENGE...

FOR MY FATHER'S DEATH.

- OH, ANGUS...

YOUR FATHER DIED OF NATURAL CAUSES.

THERE'S NO NEED FOR REVENGE OF ANY SORT.

- NATURAL CAUSES?

NATURE!

AH!

- NO, ANGUS, WAIT!

- [trilling battle cry]

HA!

[shouting]

[grunting]

[arrow twangs]

[grunting]

[trilling battle cry]

[groans]

HUAGH!

[sighs]

I DON'T GET IT.

I PUNCHED A FLOWER.

I STRANGLED A TREE.

BUT NONE OF IT MADE ME FEEL ANY BETTER.

- ANGUS, THERE IS NO ONE TO BLAME FOR YOUR FATHER'S DEATH.

HIS HEALTH HAD BEEN DECLINING FOR YEARS,

AND HE HAD A CANCEROUS TUMOR.

THERE'S NOT MUCH...

- CANCER?

CANCER!

[trilling battle cry]

[dramatic Scottish folk music]

*

[music dies]

I COULDN'T CURE CANCER.

[trills sadly]

- FORGET ABOUT CANCER!

YOUR FIGHT WITH NATURE-- IT WORKED!

- WHAT?

- THANK YOU, SONNY BOY!

- FATHER!

YOU'RE WELL!

I DID IT!

[upbeat rock music]

*

- THE HEALTHCARE SYSTEM IN THIS COUNTRY

COMES WITH ITS SHARE OF PROBLEMS.

BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.

BY EDUCATING YOURSELF ON THE SUBJECT,

YOU HOLD THE POWER.

- I GOT A HEALTHCARE PROBLEM FOR YOU.

MY PROCTOLOGIST-- THE GUY'S A QUACK.

I MEAN, THIS GUY SHOULD TAKE UP RESIDENCY IN BELLEVUE.

I MEAN IT.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR PROCTOLOGIST?

- HE'S INSANE; THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM.

HE TELLS ME I COME IN TOO MUCH.

- HOW OFTEN ARE YOU GOING IN?

- EVERY SINGLE DAY EXCEPT SUNDAYS.

- DO YOU HAVE A HISTORY

OF COLON OR RECTAL PROBLEMS IN YOUR FAMILY?

- NO, I DON'T.

- YOU DON'T NEED TO GO TO THE PROCTOLOGIST EVERY DAY.

- YEAH, THANK YOU, TIM,

BUT I THINK I'LL TAKE MY PROCTOLOGY ADVICE

FROM MY PROCTOLOGIST, IF YOU DON'T MIND.

COINCIDENTALLY, THOUGH, MY PROCTOLOGIST TOLD ME

THE SAME EXACT THING THIS MORNING.

HE'S GOT ME BENT OVER THE TABLE.

I'M HAPPY AS A CLAM.

AND HE TELLS ME HE'S GONNA CANCEL MY DAILY APPOINTMENTS.

I SAY, "EXCUSE ME?"

HE SAYS IT'S A WASTE OF MONEY.

I SAID, "WELL, IT'S MY MONEY,

AND I CAN SPEND IT ANY WAY I DAMN PLEASE."

WELL, HE GETS UP, POINTS TO THE DOOR,

SAYS, "I'D LIKE YOU TO GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE."

I'M GETTING MAD.

I START TO PUFF UP A LITTLE LIKE I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM.

TIM, I WANTED TO TAKE A SWING AT THIS WHACK JOB.

I REALLY DID.

- THESE VISITS AREN'T COVERED BY YOUR INSURANCE?

- THIS IS ALL OUT-OF-POCKET.

- IF IT'S NOT COVERED BY YOUR INSURANCE,

YOU SHOULDN'T BE GOING IN THAT MUCH!

- I LIKE TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING'S WORKING BACK THERE,

OKAY?

WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR EVERYONE TO UNDERSTAND?

IT'S A VERY IMPORTANT BODY PART, THE REAR.

IF I WANT TO SPEND MY HARD-EARNED MONEY

GOING TO THE PROCTOLOGIST EVERY SINGLE DAY,

THAT'S MY RIGHT.

IT'S MY MONEY AND MY HEALTH,

AND I'LL MAKE THE CALLS.

AND I DON'T NEED PEOPLE LIKE TIM

OR DR. LOUDON TELLING ME OTHERWISE.

TIM, YOU MADE ME VERY UPSET HERE TODAY.

I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS.

GOD--NO, I'VE GOT TO GO.

THIS IS TOO MUCH.

- WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT,

ONE MAN'S OPINION ON THE HEALTHCARE DEBATE.

- WELCOME TO MY CANDY FACTORY.

YOU'RE IN AN EDIBLE WONDERLAND THAT YOU WON'T SOON FORGET.

NOW, FOLLOW ME,

AND I THINK YOU'LL ENJOY WHAT YOU SEE...

AND TASTE.

[plays loopy slide whistle tune]

[chimes tinkling]

- SHALL WE?

- GRAMPS, LOOK.

GUMDROP WALKED US RIGHT BY THIS DOOR.

- OH.

- [laughs softly]

- YEAH.

IT'S JUST SOME MOPS AND A BUNCH OF OLD JUNK, HARRY.

- UNLESS...

EVERYONE, COME QUICK!

both: ANOTHER EDIBLE ROOM!

[all gasp]

- LOOK, IT'S CANDY PAPER.

- SUGAR DUST POWDER!

- AND DARK CHOCOLATE CHAIR.

- A LICORICE MOP.

I WANT TO TAKE IT HOME.

- CANDY BULBS!

AH-HA-HA!

THE CANDY BULB IS POKING MY MOUTH.

- [laughs]

- BUT IT TASTES GOOD.

- HEY!

GET OUT OF THE STORAGE CLOSET!

- MR. GUMDROP,

I LOVE YOUR DAZZLEBERRY NECTAR.

- THAT'S WINDOW CLEANER, YOU TWIT!

HEY, STOP DRINKING MY MOTOR OIL, KID!

- BUT IT'S DELICIOUS.

- PEOPLE!

IF A ROOM IS EDIBLE,

I WILL LET YOU KNOW!

THESE ARE MY JANITORIAL SUPPLIES.

HEY, STOP IT!

IF YOU'RE THAT HUNGRY,

HAVE A CHOCOLATE BAR, OKAY?

I HAVE LITERALLY THOUSANDS OF THEM

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL.

- OH, BOY, EDIBLE WRAPPING!

- MM!

- OPEN THEM!

- THE WALLPAPER TASTES LIKE WALLPAPER.

- IT DOES?

- IT IS!

LISTEN TO ME!

NOTHING IN THIS ROOM IS FOR CONSUMPTION.

MOST OF IT IS FOR CLEANING.

DEEP CLEANING.

- WHAT ABOUT THIS SANDWICH?

- CAN'T I EAT IT?

- NO.

- BECAUSE IT'S NOT EDIBLE?

- NO, BECAUSE IT'S MY DAMN SANDWICH!

- OH.

- HEY!

- HERR GUMDROP...

I ATE ONE OF YOUR LITTLE MEN.

- THAT'S IT!

YOU ALL LOSE!

GOOD DAY!

- BUT WHAT ABOUT THE TOUR?

- I SAID GOOD DAY.

- WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL ABOUT IT.

- OH.

- MAYBE WE'LL JUST HAVE TO SELL MR. GUMDROP'S SECRETS

TO HIS COMPETITOR, MR. BEETLEVALUE.

COME ON, HARRY, AND BRING THAT CANDIED CANE.

- FINE.

IT'S WOOD!

[somber music]

*

- MR. GUMDROP...

I COULD NEVER GIVE YOUR SECRETS AWAY.

- HARRY...

- AHH!

SCREW YOU, GUMDROP!

- GUMDROP, NO!

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

both: AH!

- OW, MY ASS!

[bell dings]

- HI, FOLKS, I'M LEWIS KENN OF FRESHY'S FOOD CORPORATION.

IT'S COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT SOME OF OUR CUSTOMERS

HAVE HAD UNPLEASANT EXPERIENCES WITH FRESHY'S FOOD ITEMS.

IT'S NOT RIGHT,

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT RESULTS IN SERIOUS INJURY

OR DEATH.

WE'VE HEARD YOUR COMPLAINTS LOUD AND CLEAR.

YOU DON'T LIKE DYING FROM OUR PRODUCT.

AT FRESHY'S, WE LOVE FOOD.

SO WE'RE EXCITED TO DO AWAY

WITH THE INGREDIENTS THAT CAUSE INJURY AND DEATH

AND REINSTATE A NEW ALL-NATURAL MENU.

WE'RE SO CONFIDENT IN THE NEW MENU,

THAT IT COMES WITH MY GUARANTEE.

IF YOU DIE ENJOYING FRESHY'S,

WE'LL PAY FOR YOUR FUNERAL, PERIOD.

WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR FROM A DINING EXPERIENCE?

I'M LEWIS KENN.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTINUED LOYALTY.

- YES, OH, YES.

WELCOME TO OCEANSIDE CITY PIER

FOR THE 95TH ANNUAL HOT DOG EATING CONTEST.

LET'S MEET OUR CONTESTANTS, SHALL WE?

FIRST, ROMPIN', STOMPIN' BARRY BARREL.

- BOW!

- VORNO'S PERENNIAL FAT BOY,

TORNADO MULDOON.

- WHOO!

- HU WALIYASHI.

[gong strike]

THE BOTTOMLESS PIT.

- HI, DAD.

- TOBY THUD.

AND WRAPPING OUT OUR FIELD...

PERCY APPLEWOOD DEMILLE...PIP.

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET...

GO!

AS EACH CONTESTANT TAKES DOWN HOT DOGS

IN THEIR OWN UNIQUE STYLE.

LOOK AT THESE GUYS EAT.

LOOK AT THEM GO, FOLKS. LOOK AT THEM GO.

LOOKS LIKE TIME IS RUNNING OUT.

AND THREE, TWO, ONE. THAT'S TIME.

HOT DOG, WE HAVE A WINNING CONTESTANT.

AND THAT WINNER IS...

PERCY APPLEWOOD DEMILLE...PIP!

PERCY IS THIS YEAR'S DAINTIEST HOT DOG EATING CHAMPION.

PERCY, HOW DO YOU FEEL?

- I LIKE THE KETCHUP.

THE MUSTARD STINGS MY TEETH.

- OKAY.

- WELL, TIFFANY, IT'S BEEN A REWARDING WEEK

PROVIDING CARE FOR MY PATIENTS.

BUT I AM OUT OF HERE.

AND I SURE HOPE THOSE TROUT ARE BITING,

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD

TO THIS FISHING TRIP SINCE--

[door bangs open]

- HELLO, DOCTOR!

HAHA!

HOW IS MY FAVORITE PROCTOLOGIST DOING?

HEY, WHAT IS WITH THAT FISHING GETUP, MAN?

YOU LOOK CRAZY.

- YOU KNOW, I'M TAKING MY SON FLY-FISHING, MIKE.

HIS CARDIOLOGIST THINKS

THE FRESH AIR WILL DO HIM SOME GOOD.

- DID THE MAID QUIT?

- I WAS REALLY JUST ABOUT TO LEAVE, SO...

- WELL, I GOT HERE BEFORE YOU DID.

HOW ARE YOU, TIFF?

I DO LIKE THE GREEN ONES--MM.

SEE YOU IN A MINUTE.

DOC, YOU SHOULD SMILE MORE.

IT'S GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH.

- OKAY, THANK YOU.

- LET'S DO A NICE LONG ONE TODAY, HUH?

- UGH.

- [coughing]

- BRANDON, IT'S DAD.

- DAD, I GOT MY TACKLE BOX FULL!

- I'M SORRY, SON, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO POSTPONE

THE FISHING TRIP.

- IS IT MIKE AGAIN?

- YES, IT'S MIKE AGAIN.

- BUT... [groans]

- I'M SORRY, SON.

THIS IS MY JOB.

- LOUDON!

CHOP-CHOP.

WHAT IS WITH HIM TODAY, TIFF?

[dramatic music]

*

HEY, DR. LOUDON!

WE HAVEN'T DONE OUR FULL PROCTOLOGICAL EXAM!

WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED IT YET!

LOUDON!

DAMN!

- HI, FOLKS, IT'S ME, LEWIS KENN, AGAIN.

AND HERE AT FRESHY'S,

WE RECENTLY REVAMPED OUR MENU,

AND THE RESPONSE HAS BEEN OVERWHELMING.

I'VE HAD TO PAY FOR THOUSANDS OF FUNERALS,

SO MANY THAT WE'VE BEEN FORCED TO AMEND OUR POLICY

TO SOMETHING MORE FINANCIALLY FEASIBLE.

FROM NOW ON, FRESHY'S WILL ONLY PAY FOR FUNERALS

CORRESPONDING TO DEATHS CAUSED BY...

AND ONE TYPE OF DEATH I CANNOT MENTION ON THIS BROADCAST.

THAT'S THE LIST,

AND WE AT FRESHY'S THINK IT'S PRETTY FAIR.

WE HOPE YOU AGREE.

[laughter]

- OH, GUYS, YOU GOT TO MEET MY NEW GIRLFRIEND.

- MM!

- I GOT TO WARN YOU, THOUGH.

SHE'S A CONJOINED TWIN.

- OH.

- AND THE OTHER TWIN, I USED TO DATE HER.

- YOU USED TO DATE THE OTHER TWIN?

JEFF, I GOT TO SAY, THIS IS VERY PECULIAR.

- YEAH, WHAT AN INTERESTING QUIRK.

HEY, IS THAT MY PROCTOLOGIST OVER THERE?

THAT JERK HAS BEEN BLOWING ME OFF.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

- MIKE, COME ON.

- AGH!

- MIKE, YOUR SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS!

[indistinct conversation]

- HOW'S THE SALAD, JERK?

- WHO'S THIS, GERARD?

- I'M GERARD'S PATIENT.

DO YOU MIND?

- ALL RIGHT, JUST RELAX, OKAY?

- WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN, HUH?

STANDARD DAILY RECTAL CHECKUPS-- RING ANY BELLS?

- THOSE CHECKUPS ARE ENTIRELY UNNECESSARY, OKAY?

PROBLEMS WITH THE RECTUM, COLON, AND ANUS

DON'T DEVELOP AS QUICK

AS YOU'RE INSISTING ON COMING IN.

- OH, LOOK AT THE HOT-SHOT PROCTOLOGIST OVER HERE.

WHERE DID YOU LEARN THAT, POOP CHUTE UNIVERSITY?

AND DON'T SAY "INSISTING" LIKE I'M SOME SORT OF FREAK.

- THEY'RE A WASTE OF TIME, OKAY?

NOBODY SHOULD BE COMING IN TO THEIR PROCTOLOGIST

EVERY SINGLE DAY.

- I'M SORRY, WASTE OF TIME?

I'M PUTTING YOUR UGLY KIDS THROUGH COLLEGE

WITH THESE VISITS.

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT

TO DENY ME SERVICE.

- EXCUSE ME, I HAVE EVERY RIGHT

TO DENY SERVICE TO A PATIENT

FOR WHAT ANY LAWYER WOULD DEEM UNNECESSARY DOCTOR VISITS.

- DON'T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE I'M SOME SORT OF BACKWOODS FOOL!

- YOU'RE NOT THE KING OF THE PROCTOLOGISTS, ALL RIGHT?

NEWS FLASH!

- YOU KNOW SOMETHING, MIKE?

IT IS PEOPLE LIKE YOU--

- OH, HERE WE GO!

- YEAH, HERE WE GO!

IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU

THAT PUT AN UNNECESSARY STRAIN ON THE HEALTHCARE SYSTEM

WITH THESE UNWARRANTED DOCTOR VISITS!

- RIGHT, 'CAUSE YOU GOT THEM LINING UP AROUND THE DAMN BLOCK

TO GET THEIR ASS CHEEKS AROUND YOUR HOT LITTLE HANDS!

I'M YOUR BEST CUSTOMER, YOU ASS-BRAINED IDIOT.

- HEY, I DON'T NEED YOUR BUSINESS, PAL!

I DON'T NEED IT, AND I DON'T WANT IT!

YOU'RE NOT MY PATIENT ANYMORE, OKAY?

OKAY, SO THAT'S THAT.

- HUGE MISTAKE!

I'M COMING BACK EVERY SINGLE DAY!

- OH, NO, HANFORD.

I WAS GONNA GIVE YOU ONCE A MONTH.

NOW THAT'S OFF THE TABLE.

YOU CAN'T EVEN COME IN ONCE A MONTH.

HOW DOES THAT BURN YOUR LITTLE RED ASS?

- ONCE A MONTH?

[both shouting]

- NO, I'M COMING IN TWICE A WEEK, ALL RIGHT?

STARTING RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

GET OUT OF HERE, SON OF A BITCH!

- AH!

SCREW YOU! I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!

- FRIENDS?

I HATE YOUR [bleep]-ING GUTS!

- NO! - OKAY?

- YOU'RE JUST MAD. - NO, I'M NOT MAD!

- OKAY, I'LL KILL YOU!

- TIM! - I'LL KILL YOU!

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

[all shouting]

- I'M GONNA GIVE THIS RIM-LORD

A REAL REASON TO SEE A PROCTOLOGIST.

- OH, YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS, ASS-JOB!

OH, I'M COMING BACK, LOUDON.

OH, YOU CAN BET YOUR FLABBY LITTLE ASS, I'M COMING BACK.

- AH, OKAY, YEAH, YEAH.

- YOU SON OF A BITCH!

- OKAY, OFF YOU GO.

THERE HE GOES.

WHAT?

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

EVERYBODY EAT, EAT!

WE'RE ALL HERE TO EAT AND HAVE A GOOD TIME!

EAT!

STUPID SON OF A...

- YOU KNOW, HE'S JUST LOOKING OUT FOR HIS HEALTH, GERARD.

- OH, YES, HONEY, I KNOW HE'S JUST LOOKING OUT FOR HIS HEALTH,

GERARD.

- JUST MAKING SURE.

- HE'S JUST A STUBBORN SON OF A BITCH!

- AND SO, CLARENCE OWINGS WILL BE DEARLY, DEARLY MISSED.

HE LEAVES BEHIND HIS BEAUTIFUL WIFE, BEATRICE,

THEIR FIVE WONDERFUL CHILDREN,

AND TOO MANY GRANDCHILDREN TO COUNT.

[slight laughter]

CLARENCE WAS A BRAVE MAN.

HE FOUGHT BRAVELY IN WORLD WAR II,

WHERE HE EARNED HIMSELF A PURPLE HEART.

AND HE MADE THIS TOWN A BETTER PLACE EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I ASK YOU TO REMEMBER CLARENCE FOR HOW HE LIVED,

NOT FOR HOW HE DIED...

WHICH WAS BY FARTING SO HARD

THAT HIS SKELETON SHOT OUT OF HIS BODY,

THROUGH HIS ANUS,

AND RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW.

NO, DON'T REMEMBER HIM FOR THAT,

BUT FOR ALL THE GOOD TIMES HE GAVE US

AND ALL THE GREAT MEMORIES WE STILL HAVE OF HIM.

HE WILL BE TRULY MISSED.

THANK YOU.

[sparse applause]

- CLARENCE WAS MY UNCLE,

BUT HE WAS ALSO MY BEST FRIEND.

HE WAS A GREAT MAN.

I TOLD HIM...

I TOLD HIM NOT TO EAT

THAT FRESHY'S SOUTHWEST JALAPEÑO BURGER.

IT WAS TOO SPICY, I SAID.

BUT...AS GREAT OF A MAN AS CLARENCE WAS,

HE WAS JUST AS STUBBORN.

SO HE ATE THAT JALAPEÑO BURGER...

AND THEN HE FARTED HIS SKELETON RIGHT OUT OF HIS BODY,

DIRECTLY THROUGH HIS ANAL CAVITY AND OUT THE WINDOW.

LANDED IN THE NURSERY SCHOOL ACROSS THE STREET.

YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON THE CHILDREN'S FACES.

THEY THOUGHT A MONSTER HAD JUMPED INTO THE CLASSROOM,

BECAUSE HIS BONES, YOU KNOW, THEY...

THEY WERE STILL MOVING...

AS BONES ARE KNOWN TO DO.

BUT, OH...

HOW CLARENCE WAS SO GOOD WITH CHILDREN,

AND HE LOVED CHILDREN.

SO I ASK YOU, PLEASE,

REMEMBER CLARENCE FOR HOW HE WAS GREAT WITH CHILDREN,

NOT FOR HOW HE DIED.

WHICH WAS BY FARTING HIS SKELETON OUT OF HIS BODY

LIKE A BULLET.

- SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

- MY POPS RAISED ME AS WELL AS ANY MAN CAN.

HE WAS SO STRONG.

WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER, HECK, HE COULD KNOCK OUT AN OX.

[slight laughter]

THAT'S WHAT MADE IT SO HARD

TO SEE HIS SKELETON-LESS BODY LAYING THERE ON THE GROUND.

MY MOM SAID THAT WHEN IT HAPPENED,

HIS SKIN SHOT AROUND THE ROOM...

LIKE WHEN YOU LET GO OF A BALLOON

THAT HAS HELIUM IN IT.

I TOLD MY MOM THAT THAT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE WHAT HAPPENED

TO VINCENT D'ONOFRIO IN MEN IN BLACK.

BUT THE REFERENCE WAS LOST ON HER.

I HOPE THAT REFERENCE IS NOT LOST

ON ALL OF YOU HERE TODAY.

WHEN THE CLEANING CREW ARRIVED,

THERE WAS SLIME EVERYWHERE.

THEY JUST SLIPPED ALL OVER THE PLACE.

ALL EIGHT OF THEM FELL...

RIGHT INTO THE 69-ING POSITION.

I'VE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

AND SO, IF YOU REMEMBER ANYTHING I'VE TOLD YOU HERE TODAY,

PLEASE...

REMEMBER MY M.I.B. REFERENCE.

THANK YOU.

[sparse applause]

- YOU MAY NOW PAY RESPECTS TO THE DEPARTED.

- THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SERVICE.

- OH, YEAH, THANK YOU.

HEY, UM, THAT BURGER

THAT MADE MY DAD FART OUT HIS SKELETON,

IS THAT THE SAME FRESHY BURGER THAT YOU GUYS ARE HAVING

A TWO-FOR-ONE SPECIAL ON RIGHT NOW?

- YEAH, WHY?

- 'CAUSE I ATE SIX OF THEM THIS MORNING!

AH!

AHH!

[glass shatters]

[dramatic string music]

*

[skin whistling]

[crowd screaming]

- OH, MY GOD!

[all shouting]

[farting noise]

- OH, MY GOD.

[woman screams]

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE CALM DOWN.

THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, OKAY?

JUST LOOK RIGHT HERE.

[device whirring]

WELCOME TO EARTH.

- * HE IS THE MAGIC PRIEST

[somber string music]

*

- I COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING.

[inspirational music]

MIKE.

*

- SO YOU ARE TAKING NEW PATIENTS?

DOES DR. LESTER SEE PEOPLE ON A DAILY BASIS?

HE DOESN'T?

WELL, CAN HE MAKE AN EXCEPT--

[uplifting, dramatic music]

*

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- MIKE, I WAS READING ABOUT A PATIENT OF MINE THIS MORNING,

AND I REALIZED I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE WITH YOU.

I WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY.

- THAT'S ALL I EVER WANTED TOO, DR. LOUDON.

SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

DO I MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR TOMORROW, OR WHAT?

- NO.

NO, MIKE, WHEN YOU REALIZE

YOU WANT A PATIENT TO BE YOURS FOREVER,

YOU DON'T START TOMORROW.

YOU START RIGHT NOW.

[latex snaps]

IS IT OKAY IF WE DO THE EXAM OUT HERE?

- WHO CARES?

- RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

AND HERE WE GO.

STILL FRIENDS, RIGHT?

- FOR LIFE, MY MAN.

- OKAY.

LET'S SEE WHAT WE GOT HERE.

OKAY, NOW THAT'S ODD.

[ominous music]

- WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR HEALTH,

YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE MATTERS INTO YOUR OWN HANDS

AND VISIT YOUR PROCTOLOGIST EVERY SINGLE DAY.

- BUT WE'VE GOT TO GET THE WORD OUT THERE.

VISIT OUR WEBSITE AND SIGN THE PROCTOLOGY PLEDGE

TO HELP SPREAD AWARENESS.

- REMEMBER, DAILY CHECKUPS WITH YOUR PROCTOLOGIST

CAN LEAD TO...

all: 365 FINGERS POINTING

TOWARDS A HEALTHIER COLON, ANUS,

RECTUM, AND INNER RECTUM.

- WELL DONE, BOYS.

- OH, MY GOD!

IT'S THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!

all: PRESIDENT GARVIN!

- THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, I GOT TO GO,

BUT KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

all: WE WILL.

BYE!

- WOW.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

PRESIDENT GARVIN?

all: 365 FINGERS POINTING TOWARDS

A HEALTHIER COLON, ANUS, RECTUM, AND INNER RECTUM.

- ABSO...LUTELY.