Original subtitles

[laughter]

- OH, MAN, THAT TOUCHDOWN WAS SOMETHING, HUH,

BUT THE EXTRA POINT-- THAT WAS THE ICING ON THE CAKE.

- OH, BABY. - YOU SAID IT.

- OH, WELL, WELL, WELL.

YOU WERE CERTAINLY OUT LATE LAST NIGHT, HUH?

YOU KNOW, I'D ASK HOW YOUR DATE WITH BETH WENT,

BUT, UH, SEEING AS HOW YOU DIDN'T COME HOME,

I THINK I GOT A PRETTY GOOD IDEA.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT IS ENOUGH.

- ENOUGH? BROTHER, WE WANT SOME DETAILS.

- YEAH, COME ON. LAY IT ON US. - YEAH.

- COME ON, MAN. - FINE. YOU ANIMALS.

- WE ARE.

- OKAY, SO I TOOK HER OUT TO THIS FRENCH BISTRO--

AU PIED DE COCHON. - VERY FANCY, MR. VALENTINE.

- YEAH, MR. VALENTINE. - GO ON, VALENTINE.

- WE WANT MORE DETAILS. - FINE.

SO WE GO BACK TO HER APARTMENT,

AND WE START MAKING OUT ON THE COUCH.

THEN SHE SLIPS HER SHIRT UP OVER HER HEAD,

POINTS AT ME, POINTS DOWN TO HER YOU KNOW,

AND WALKS SLOWLY BACKWARDS INTO HER BEDROOM.

- OH. NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE.

- YEAH. - MORE DETAILS.

- GIVE US THE DETAILS, PAL. - ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- LAY IT ON ME, BUDDY. - YEAH, MAN.

- ALL RIGHT, SO I GET ON TOP OF HER,

AND I INSERT MY ERECT PENIS, AND I START THRUSTING

BACK AND FORTH, BACK AND FORTH,

FASTER BACK AND FORTH AND THEN SLOWER BACK AND FORTH

AND THEN EJACULATION.

all: OH!

[cheering]

- WHOA. THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. HEH-HEH.

COME ON, MAN. WE WANT SOME MORE DETAILS.

- YEAH. - OKAY.

SO THEN I'M LIKE...

[grunts and groans]

WAIT. LET...

[makes monkey noises]

[snorts]

[pants]

[squeals and grunts]

AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT.

- YEAH. - YEAH. YES.

[overlapping chatter]

- HOORAY.

- YOU KNOW, THAT WAS A PRETTY STEAMY STORY, DUDE,

BUT, UH, I THINK I CAN TOP IT.

- OH, REALLY? - YEAH.

SPIN THIS YARN FOR US, MR. ROMEO.

- UH, IT'S ROMERO. SO, ANYWAY, LAST NIGHT,

ME AND AMY WENT OUT FOR OUR THIRD DATE

IN AS MANY DAYS.

- UM, CAN WE CUT TO THE GOOD STUFF?

- OKAY. SO, I'M HAVING THIS ORGASM, RIGHT,

AND I'M LIKE [grunts]

OH, NO, NO, NO. WHEE.

OOH, WHEE. HAAH!

HAAH! OH, YOU'RE TAKING ALL MY SPERMS.

AAH. OH. HMM.

- YEAH!

- OH! - YEAH!

- WOW. - YOU ACTUALLY SAID THAT?

- I DID. - WHAT DID SHE SAY?

- SORRY.

[laughter]

- GOOD STORY, TIM. REALLY GOOD STORY.

MY NIGHT WAS KIND OF BORING.

I JUST STAYED INSIDE AND WATCHED A MOVIE.

BUT IT WAS MY PARENTS' WEDDING ANNIVERSARY,

AND THEY GOT HOME PRETTY LATE, AND BOY, OH, BOY,

YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD THE TWO OF THEM GO AT IT

WHEN THEY GOT BACK. SO...

MY MOM IS LIKE,

[high-pitched voice] "OH, STEWART.

STEWART, GET AT MY CHEST, BOY." - WHOA, SLOW IT DOWN, HUH?

- I DON'T THINK SO, BROTHER. WE'RE JUST GETTING STARTED.

AND MY DAD--MY DAD, HE COMES IN GOING,

"ROSA, ROSA, OH, BOY!

WOW. OH, ROSA!"

AND IT WENT ON LIKE THIS ALL NIGHT LONG.

YEAH. - YEAH.

all: DETAILS. DETAILS...

- TOO... MANY... DETAILS.

all: DETAILS!

[high-pitched squealing]

- OH.

- UM...

I'LL HAVE WHAT SHE'S--

[rock music]

*

- * WON'T YOU COUNT ON ME?

- LOVE. EVERYBODY'S SEARCHING FOR IT.

COMES PRETTY EASY TO ME, THOUGH.

I'M A REAL TALKER WITH THE PRETTY HONEYS.

BUT EVERYBODY NEEDS A WINGMAN, AND THAT'S WHY I GOT MY BOY VIC.

VIC'S MAJOR MOOLAH, BABY.

SO WE'VE BEEN HITTING THE SCENE TOGETHER

ALONG WITH A FEW OF OUR BOYS--

VANNY, VON, VOOG, AND VERNY.

I MEAN, THESE GUYS ARE LEGAL TENDER

LOCKED UP IN A SAFE.

[laughs]

EVERYBODY FEELING GOOD, FEELING COOL, CONFIDENT?

[overlapping chatter]

- GOOD. WELL, I INVITED A FRIEND FROM HOME TO JOIN. IS THAT OKAY?

- HE'S NOT GONNA BE SOME MOPEY TYPE, IS HE?

NERVOUS AND BRINGING US DOWN,

AND RUINING OUR TIME WITH THE LADIES?

- NO.

- HEY, BUDDY. HEY, I'M LIKE YOU.

HEY, COME ON.

AW, SHE'S GREAT.

- DAMN, THIS GUY'S THE REAL MEDIUM OF EXCHANGE

WITH THE PEOPLE WITHOUT PENISES.

- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

[all yell and laugh]

- WE'RE HUNG UP ON OUR OLD SWEETHEARTS.

- RIGHT THIS WAY. HERE'S YOUR TABLE.

- OH.

[gasps] WOW.

- NOT BAD, EH, MADAM-OISELLE?

A NIGHT IN THE CITY AT THE HOTTEST RESTAURANT IN TOWN,

AND I HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DATE IN THE WORLD.

- A NIGHT TO OURSELVES.

WE HAVEN'T BEEN OUT LIKE THIS IN MONTHS AND MONTHS.

- UH, YEAH. A LITTLE BETTER THAN OUR TYPICAL ROUTINE

OF SOCCER PRACTICE, HOMEWORK,

AND EATING WHATEVER LEFTOVER SCRAPS OF MAC AND CHEESE

THE KIDS DON'T FINISH. [both laugh]

- HERE ARE YOUR MENUS. - OOH.

- OH, NOW WE'RE TALKING. LET'S TAKE A LOOK, SHALL WE?

HEY, SAME TIME. READY?

ONE, TWO, THREE.

both: OOH.

- [laughs] EVERYTHING LOOKS SO GOOD.

- YOU GUYS WANT TO START WITH SOMETHING TO DRINK?

- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M ACTUALLY IN THE MOOD FOR?

A GLASS OF WINE. - HONEY.

WELL, WELL, WELL, THEN WINE IT IS.

- OH, IT'S JUST I--

OKAY, HOW ABOUT A CHARDONNAY FOR THIS OLD WINO?

I'M KIDDING.

- SOUNDS LIKE I'M GETTING LUCKY TONIGHT.

- DANIEL.

- PAL, WHY DON'T YOU BRING ME THE BIGGEST DAMN BEER YOU GOT?

OOH, HEY, QUESTION FOR YOU.

YOU EVER GET ANY CELEBS IN HERE?

- FROM TIME TO TIME.

- OOH, WHO?

- WELL, LAST WEEK, KENDRA TAYLOR WAS HERE.

- WHOA. - OOH.

- WHO'S KENDRA TAYLOR? - YEAH, WHO'S THAT?

- OH, SHE'S A POP STAR.

- YOU KNOW, I THINK I'VE HEARD OF HER.

- DANIEL. WHO BROUGHT THIS HIPSTER?

- WHAT CAN I SAY? I LIKE TO WATCH THE MORNING SHOWS.

- DANIEL JOSEPH PARKER. - WHAT I DO.

- I LEARN SOMETHING NEW ABOUT THIS ONE EVERY DAY.

- I GUESS IT NEVER ENDS WITH ME, DOES IT?

- SO, CHARDONNAY FOR THE LADY, A BIG BEER FOR THE GENTLEMAN.

- ACTUALLY, GARCON,

THE LADY AND I WILL BOTH BE HAVING THE SURF 'N' TURF.

- DANIEL, ARE YOU SURE? - AND AFTER ALL THAT FOOD...

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO ROLL US OUT OF HERE.

- DANIEL. WE MUST BE THE WORST. ARE WE YOUR WORST CUSTOMERS?

- OH, YEAH. HEY, ARE WE A BIG OLD PAIN IN YOUR BUTT?

- NO, NO, NO. - SORRY.

- OOH, HEY, LOOK AT THESE NAPKINS.

A LITTLE BETTER THREAD COUNT THAN AT OUR HOUSE, HUH?

- BETTER THAN OUR BED SHEETS. - [laughs] YEAH.

[annoying laughter]

- SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

STOP LAUGHING. YOU'RE LAUGHING AT NAPKINS.

NOBODY GIVES A SHIT IF YOU DON'T COME OUT

TO RESTAURANTS VERY MUCH.

JUST SHUT YOUR STUPID, SHITTY MOUTHS.

JACKASSES.

- I GUESS WE DON'T BELONG HERE.

- DANIEL, NO. - WE SHOULDN'T HAVE COME.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A NICE CHANGE OF PACE

FROM OUR BORING ROUTINE.

- DANIEL, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

- I-I THINK OUR MARRIAGE HAS RUN ITS COURSE.

- [gasps]

[screams]

- * I DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU

* DON'T REALLY WANT TO KNOW YOU *

- HEY, BUDDY. TRY HAVING A LITTLE FUN.

- I'M NO GOOD TALKING TO GIRLS.

- OH, REALLY? SHOCKER.

LOOK, LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE TIP.

BEST ADVICE I EVER GOT.

WOMEN LOVE EYE CONTACT.

- THAT'S IT, JUST EYE CONTACT?

- THEY THINK IT'S SEXY. I DON'T KNOW.

[clicks tongue] GIVE IT A TRY.

- HI. - HEY.

WHAT?

YOU'RE SO ANNOYING.

[R&B song plays in background]

KNOCK IT OFF.

OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE SO FUNNY. [giggles]

SO WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- I'M RON.

- MARA. NICE TO MEET YOU, RON.

I LIKE YOUR MIDDLE PART.

IT REALLY DOES SOMETHING FOR YOUR FACE.

- YEAH? - YEAH.

- WOW.

- * NOW I'M BACK IN A WORLD

* THAT GREETS ME WITH A S--

- OH, WHOA. - WHAT HAPPENED?

- I'M SO SORRY. I JUST--FOR A SECOND,

YOU JUST LOOKED SO REPULSIVE. IT'S FINE, THOUGH. IT'S FINE.

IT'S FINE NOW.

- * GAVE ME SUNSHINE

* NOW I'M BACK IN A WORLD

* THAT GREETS ME WITH A SMILE

* AND WHAT MAKES IT ALL WORTHWHILE IS-- *

[laughter]

- OH, BOY. I TELL YOU, THIS HAS BEEN JUST TOO MUCH FUN.

[laughter]

- TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

EVER SINCE CAROL AND I SPLIT UP,

I'VE BEEN HAVING KIND OF A HARD TIME, SO...

THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED. [laughs].

AND I WANT TO REMEMBER IT.

HEY, SHEILA, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A PICTURE WITH MY CELL PHONE?

- OH, CELL-PHONE PICTURE. HERE WE GO.

- OH, BOY. - HOW DO I...

- OH, GOD. - OKAY.

- CHEESE. - PHOTOBOMB.

- AL, ARE YOU PHOTOBOMBING?

- AL, DID YOU PHOTOBOMB US?

- [chuckles] I PHOTOBOMBED. I JUST PHOTOBOMBED.

[laughter]

- WHAT'S A PHOTOBOMB? - DAN...

HE LEANED INTO OUR PICTURE.

[laughter]

- AL.

- I'M GUILTY.

- HEY, GUYS, CAN I PHOTOBOMB?

- DAN, NOW YOU WANT TO PHOTOBOMB?

- I WANT TO GIVE IT A TRY.

- TERRY, TAKE MY PHONE. DAN WANTS TO PHOTOBOMB.

- HE DOES?

DAN WANTS TO PHOTOBOMB. OKAY.

WILD MAN DAN WANTS TO PHOTOBOMB. ALL RIGHT.

LET'S SEE HERE. ONE, TWO, THREE.

- PHOTOBOMB.

- YEP, WE GOT ONE. THIS IS SO FUNNY.

DAN, LOOK AT THAT. LOOK AT DAN.

- OH, NO.

- OH, MY GOD, GREAT PHOTOBOMB, DAN.

SHEILA, YOU HAVE TO POST THAT.

- NO.

- I'VE GOT TO POST THAT PHOTOBOMB.

- NO, YOU CAN'T POST IT. - PHOTOBOMB.

- YOU CAN LINK IT TO ONLINE.

- IT'LL GO UP ON YOUR COMPUTER, DAN, WHEN YOU GET HOME.

LOOK IT UP. - OH, MY GOD, DAN...

SHEILA'S PHONE'S CONNECTED TO THE INTERNET.

- I THOUGHT I WAS LEAVING HAVANA,

THE CITY OF PASSION, FOREVER, BUT HOW COULD I LEAVE HER?

- [gasps] - I CAME BACK.

LEAVING BEHIND THE ONLY THING I'VE EVER CARED ABOUT

WOULD'VE BEEN THE BIGGEST DAMN MISTAKE OF MY LIFE,

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU...

MYRTLE.

- YOU'RE TOO LATE.

I'M SET TO MARRY IRWIN TOMORROW MORNING.

- BUT HE'S IN LOVE WITH RUTH.

- WHAT ABOUT BETHILDA?

MY TENNIS INSTRUCTOR, CECIL, SAW YOU WITH HER

AT ANGUS YAMAGUCHI'S SPRING SOCIAL.

- HE'S JUST SAYING THAT TO GET CLOSER TO CLORIS AND STEVE.

- STEVE?

- STEVE KLIMPTOOSH, GISELE'S BOSS.

- WHO? - GISELE TURDLEY.

- OH, RIGHT. OKAY.

[rustling]

- YOU HAVE TO GO NOW. MY PARENTS ARE HOME.

- HUMPHREY AND RHODA?

- MYRTLE, WHAT'S GOING ON OUT HERE?

- OH, JUST YOU. I THOUGHT IT WAS MOM AND DAD.

- HUMPHREY AND RHODA? - WHO ARE YOU? WHO'S HE?

- I'M MYRTLE'S BROTHER-- RAJVANI FLEISCH-MELTZER.

- YOUR BROTHER IS RAJVANI FLEISCH-MELTZER?

OH, RIGHT, I THINK I MET YOU ONCE

AT YOUR GIRLFRIEND FRANK'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

- AH, YES. I'LL LEAVE YOU TWO BE.

- OKAY. - YOU HAVE TO GO NOW, TOO.

[dramatic music]

*

- I'LL BE WITH YOU ALWAYS IN MY DEEPEST OF HEARTS.

FROM PHILBERT FLOYD MILKYDICK.

- MAJOR POP RECORDS HAS SIGNED POP SENSATION KENDRA TAYLOR

WITH PLANS FOR AN ALBUM RELEASE THIS SUMMER,

BUT INSIDE SOURCES SAY THAT THE LABEL'S GO-TO HITMAKERS

ARE CURRENTLY ON OTHER PROJECTS.

LEAVING MAJOR POP RECORDS WITHOUT A PRODUCER.

- WE'RE SCREWED. THERE'S GOT TO BE SOMEBODY.

COME ON, WHO DO WE GOT? - THEY'RE ALL ON OTHER PROJECTS.

LOOKS LIKE THE ONLY SONGWRITING TEAM WE'VE GOT AVAILABLE IS...

- WHO IS IT? COME ON.

- GOLDHOFF AND STEINSTEIN.

- EW. ALL RIGHT, WELL, SEND THEM IN.

- GREAT TO SEE YOU. GREAT TO SEE YOU.

BARRY GOLDHOFF. GREAT TO SEE YOU.

GREAT TO SEE YOU. - GREAT TO SEE YOU.

BARRY STEINSTEIN. - GREAT TO SEE YOU.

[keys clunk]

- WELL?

- GOLDHOFF AND STEINSTEIN, WE NEED A TRACK, AND, UM...

WE'D LIKE TO HEAR WHAT YOU GOT. - A HIT SONG, YOU SAY?

- I THINK WE'VE GOT JUST THE THING, HUH?

- AHEM. - TWO, THREE, FOUR.

both; * HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK WHO IT IS *

* IT'S YOUR OLD PALS GOLDHOFF AND STEINSTEIN *

* YES, EVERYBODY, LOOK WHO IT IS *

* IT'S YOUR OLD PALS GOLDHOFF AND STEINSTEIN *

- * WE LIKE WRITING SONGS AND SINGIN' WHAT WE WROTE *

- * AND ONE OTHER THING both: * WE LIKE HAVING FUN

* YES, WE LIKE HAVING FUN

[keys clank]

- WELL? - HUH?

- THEY KNOW THEY WON'T BE THE ONES

SINGING ON THE RECORD, RIGHT? - OH, YEAH, YEAH, TOTALLY.

- RIGHT. - HEY, GUYS...

SINCE IT'LL BE KENDRA TAYLOR ON THE TRACK,

THE LYRICS HAVE TO BE SOMETHING...SEXY.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR A LOVE SONG.

- NOT A FAN OF THE LYRICS, EH? NOT A PROBLEM.

- I THINK WE'VE GOT PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM, HUH?

- UH-HUH. - TWO, TWO, TWO.

* HEY, THEY'RE GOLDHOFF - * HEY, THEY'RE STEINSTEIN

both: * WE'RE FRIENDS TO THE END, FRIENDS TO THE END *

* YES, IT'S TRUE, WE'RE FRIENDS TILL THE END *

- * WE'RE NOT JUST SONGWRITING PART-NERS *

- * WE'RE NOT JUST ROOM-MATES

both: * WE'RE ALSO A COUPLE OF FRIENDS *

- * WE MET AT USC WHERE WE WERE MUSIC MAJORS *

- * AND THAT'S WHERE WE BECAME

both: * MAJOR FRIENDS

- * AND NOW WE'RE GETTING OLDER *

both: * BUT WE DON'T MIND

* JUST A COUPLE OF BACHELORS WRITING SONGS *

* FOR YOUNG POP STARS

- HOW STRANGE WOULD IT BE IF A YOUNG POP STAR SANG THAT?

- IT'D BE PRETTY STRANGE. - RIGHT.

- I GUESS WHAT WE'RE TRYING TO SAY IS

WE WANT A SONG THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE

FOR A GIRL TO SING.

- WE CAN'T WRITE THAT.

- WHY NOT? - BECAUSE WE ALREADY DID.

- [laughs]

[uneasy chuckle]

- * IT CAN BE HARD

- * BEING A GIRL

both: * NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME

* AND ALSO

* WE'RE JUST KIDDING, IT'S JUST US *

* IT'S YOUR OLD PALS GOLDHOFF AND STEINSTEIN *

- * USC ROOMMATES - * CURRENT ROOMMATES, TOO

- * ONE THING'S FOR SURE both: * WE'RE MIDDLE-AGED MEN

* ANOTHER THING'S FOR SURE, WE'RE HAVING A BLAST *

* HAVING A BLAST, HAVING A BLAST *

* YES, IT'S TRUE, WE'RE HAVING A BLAST *

* AND ONE OTHER THING

* SORRY WE PRETENDED WE WERE A GIRL *

[keys clank]

- WELL?

[pop music]

- * HEY, EVERYBODY, LOOK WHO IT IS *

* IT'S YOUR OLD PALS GOLDHOFF AND STEINSTEIN *

* WE MADE A DEAL THAT IN 15 YEARS *

* IF WE'RE BOTH STILL SINGLE, WE'LL MARRY EACH OTHER *

- OH, RAJVANI,

I DON'T EVER WANT GO BACK TO STEVE KLIMPTOOSH AGAIN.

- I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT STEVE KLIMPTOOSH

OR IRWIN MULK OR GARTH GRITH

OR ANY OF THE MEN FROM YOUR PAST.

NO, I DON'T WANT TO TALK AT ALL.

- MM.

[saxophone plays]

[end credit music]

[music stops]

- HEY, YOU TOOK ME OUT OF MY SHOT.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN.

[end credit music]

WHAT THE-- WHOA.

JEEZ, I CAN'T SHOW THAT. WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE?

OKAY, LET'S--OH. OH, THIS MIGHT WORK.

IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY FUNNY. HEE-HEE-HEE.

[end credit music]

AH, PROBABLY NOT THE RIGHT TONE FOR THE SHOW.

- FUNNY 13, THOUGH. - OH, GREG.

- OH, YEAH, THESE TWO HORN JOBS AGAIN. NO, THANKS.

OKAY, WHAT AM I LOOKING AT HERE? OH, THAT'S ME.

SORRY, FOLKS. YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT. BYE-BYE.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ELSE?

DALE, YOU GENIUS.

[end credit music]

[groans]

- WHOA. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.

ALL RIGHT, I'M OUT OF HERE. I'M DONE.

THERE'S TOO MUCH SEXY STUFF GOING ON THERE.

I CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS SCENE TASTEFULLY.

I'LL DO IT AFTER LUNCH. - STILL ROLLING.

- HEY, DALE, CHECK YOUR SHOT. - OH, YEAH? WHY?

OH.

[saxophone plays]

CUT. OH, YOU GUYS.

- THIS IS THE BEST SHAWKOOTERY PLATE I'VE EVER HAD.

[laughter]

- SHAWKOOTERY PLATE. - OH, THIS IS TOO MUCH FUN.

THANKS, GUYS. BEEN PRETTY TOUGH SINCE DAN AND I SEPARATED,

BUT THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I MIGHT BE READY TO START DATING AGAIN.

- OH, CAROL. - GOOD FOR YOU, CAROL.

- RIGHT ON. - GOOD FOR YOU.

- JUST BE CAREFUL. YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT THERE IN A WHILE.

YOU DON'T WANT TO END UP IN THE FRIEND ZONE WITH SOME HUNK.

- OH, NO, FRIEND ZONE. - WAIT. WHAT'S THE FRIEND ZONE?

- OH. - OH, THE FRIEND ZONE.

- FRIEND ZONE. - THE FRIEND ZONE...

IS WHEN YOU'VE HUNG OUT WITH SOMEONE ENOUGH TIMES

THAT THEY THINK YOU'RE JUST FRIENDS,

BUT YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO BE MORE THAN FRIENDS.

- OH, MY GOD, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

- MY FRIEND JOAN IS IN THE FRIEND ZONE WITH HANK FROM WORK,

AND SHE SAYS IT'S JUST AWFUL.

- NO. JOAN?

- THIS IS BUSTY JOAN.

- BIG JOAN IS IN THE FRIEND ZONE?

- I, FOR ONE, CANNOT BELIEVE

THAT JOAN AND HANK ARE IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

- JOAN HAS GOT TO GET OUT OF THE FRIEND ZONE WITH HANK.

- YOU KNOW, THE WORST THING ABOUT THE FRIEND ZONE,

ONCE YOU'RE IN, THERE'S NO GETTING OUT.

- OH. - I KNOW, I KNOW.

- I WOULDN'T WISH IT ON MY WORST ENEMY.

- THERE'S A NEW FRIEND ZONE APP

WHERE YOU CAN GO ON, AND YOU FRIEND ZONE PEOPLE.

- I HOPE I DON'T END UP IN THE FRIEND ZONE.

- ME? I BEEN IN THE FRIEND ZONE MY WHOLE LIFE. I DON'T CARE.

- WHAT ABOUT THAT BJ I GAVE YOU ON NEW YEAR'S EVE?

- OH, HO. THAT WAS MORE LIKE THE FIZZLE ZONE.

- AGE. MM.

25? HEH.

LET'S SEE HERE. NO. NO, NO, NO, NO.

OH.

OH.

OH, HELLO, MYSTERYMAN.

"IF YOU LIKE MAI TAIS AND GETTING STUCK IN THE SNOW,

IF YOU LIKE GOING OUT TO DINNER, THERE'S A PLACE WE CAN GO."

OH, MY GOD.

- [laughter] - THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.

- I KNOW. I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE DOING THIS.

- HAVE WE LOST OUR MINDS?

- I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE GOING TO A BACCHANAL.

- WE ARE A BUNCH OF HORNY WHACKJOBS.

[laughter]

- HEY, YOU MUST BE THE NEW RECRUITS.

- HI. YEAH. WE'RE DAN, SHEILA, TERRY AND AL.

- WELL, HELLO.

WELL, LET'S SCREW.

[mellow jazz music]

[overlapping chatter]

- OH.

[sighs]

- CAROL. - [gasps] DANIEL.

YOU'RE MYSTERYMAN57?

- YOU'RE CURLYBUSH3? [chuckles]

THIS IS TOO FUNNY.

[both laugh]

I LOVE YOU, HONEY. - I LOVE YOU.

A BACCHANAL.

- WE ARE CRAZY.

- [chuckles] YOU'RE LIKE A LITTLE DOG.

- HEY, AFTER THE BACCHANAL, THERE'S AN AFTER-BACCHANAL.

MY PLACE. THERE'S A HOT TUB. - OH, STEWART.

- ROSA.

- BEAT MY CHEST, STEWART. - ROSA.

- [screams] OH, MY GOD, I THINK I'M SEXTING.

- WHO ARE YOU SEXTING WITH, CAROL?

- TERRY. - TERRY?

- [laughs] IT WAS ME.

- CHEESE. - OH, NO.

- AL TOOK A SELFIE OF HIS ASSHOLE.

all: AL!

- [chuckles] NICE BACCHANAL.

- * HEY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE HAVING SEX *

* IT'S THE BEST SUBJECT MATTER FOR A HIT SONG *

* WE WERE JUST ROOMMATES, BUT NOW WE'RE A COUPLE *

* ENGAGED IN A WEIRD BACCHANAL