Original subtitles

[laughter]

[laughter continues]

- OH, THAT WAS A GREAT NIGHT OF LAUGHS.

- YOU SAID IT, MAN. AMAZING.

- SO FUNNY. - EH.

- WHAT? - I SAID, "EH."

- DICKEY, YOU DIDN'T THINK

THOSE MOVIES AND SHOWS WE WATCHED WERE FUNNY?

- NO. - WHY NOT?

- I DON'T THINK WOMEN ARE FUNNY.

I BELIEVE COMEDY SHOULD BE A BOYS' CLUB

AND ONLY MEN CAN BE FUNNY.

I FEEL HOW I FEEL, AND THAT'S THAT.

AAH!

- NOBODY TALKS ABOUT WOMEN LIKE THAT

IN FRONT OF US AND GETS AWAY WITH IT.

THAT'S ANTIQUATED THINKING, PAL.

WOMEN ARE DOING GREAT THINGS IN COMEDY,

AND YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT.

- I DIDN'T REALIZE. - YOU DIDN'T REALIZE, HUH?

YOU SHOULD, BECAUSE BARRIERS AND GLASS CEILINGS LIKE THAT

ARE DESTINED TO FALL, BUDDY,

AND IN THE TRADITION OF SUSAN B. ANTHONY,

MAYA ANGELOU, GLORIA STEINEM,

AND SO MANY OTHERS,

THESE WOMEN IN COMEDY WILL NOT BE IGNORED.

- WOW. YOU'RE RIGHT, OKAY? I APOLOGIZE.

I WAS IN THE WRONG. - WELL, GOOD, BECAUSE...

- [screaming]

HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT?

- YOU'RE KILLING HIM!

- YOU'RE A FOOL! - NO, MITCH, NO!

[all shouting]

- WE KILLED HIM!

WE ALL KILLED HIM AS ONE!

- HEY, FOLKS, JEFF HERE.

WOMEN'S ISSUES, WHETHER IT BE WOMEN IN ENTERTAINMENT

OR WOMEN IN THE BOARDROOM,

AN IMPORTANT SHIFT IS WELL UNDER WAY.

NOW, AS A MAN, I GOT TO SAY I THINK MY OPINION

CARRIES A LOT OF WEIGHT IN THIS ISSUE,

BUT, UH...BOY.

I THINK I JUST WALKED INTO A MINEFIELD.

I NEVER GOT TO FINISH MY MONOLOGUE!

- OH, NO, NO, NO!

DICKEY IS DEAD! WE ARE SCREWED HERE, MAN!

- WHY'D YOU DO IT, MITCH?

- ME? WHY ME?

- BECAUSE YOU MURDERED A MAN WITH YOUR BARE HANDS.

- HE SAID WOMEN AREN'T FUNNY. YOU HEARD HIM.

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO, NOT KILL HIM?

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE ALL INNOCENT.

YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED ME.

- WE WERE YELLING, "NO, MITCH, NO"

AND TRYING TO TEAR YOU OFF.

- WELL, I GUESS THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, WAS IT?

AND GUESS WHAT. YOU'RE ALL ACCOMPLICES.

WE'RE IN THIS TOGETHER.

- HE'S RIGHT, BUT THAT'S ALL IN THE PAST NOW, ALL RIGHT?

DICKEY IS DEAD, AND WOMEN ARE FUNNY.

THAT'S OUR REALITY NOW.

- SO WHAT DO WE DO?

- WE GOT TO CHOP HIM UP.

- [gagging] - [whistling]

- THAT'S A LOT OF BLOOD.

- THIS GUY'S REALLY COMING APART.

AW, DICKEY. - [gags]

- WHY?

WHY DO WOMEN HAVE TO BE SO FUNNY?

[engine revs]

- COME ON, YEAH! - YOU GOT IT, MAN!

- YOU'RE GOING DOWN, BRO! - NO ONE BEATS TIM, YOU BASTARD!

- HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO, HERE WE GO.

- BE AS SAFE AS YOU CAN AND KICK HIS BUTT, TIM.

- YEAH! - COME ON, TIM!

[tires squeal]

- YOU BLEW THAT UP, TIM! YEAH!

- WATCH IT, TIM! YOU'RE LOSING CONTROL!

- YOU'RE GONNA GO RIGHT OFF THE ROAD, TIM!

[tires squealing, crash] - OH! WHOA!

[horn blaring]

- TIM, ARE YOU OKAY?

- MY DICK! - GET HIM UP, GET HIM UP.

- DOCTOR, HOW IS HE?

- HE'S GONNA BE OKAY.

TIM IS FINE, AND HE SHOULD BE BACK TO NORMAL IN NO TIME.

HIS DICK, ON THE OTHER HAND...

IT'S PRETTY BANGED UP.

- THAT'S TERRIBLE.

- HEY, GUYS.

- TIM, YOU LOOK GREAT. HOW ARE YA?

- I'M OKAY, BUT...

- IT'S PRETTY SHAKEN UP. - YEAH.

- I IMAGINE.

- WELL, WE'LL TAKE CARE OF HIM, DOC, THE BEST WE KNOW HOW.

- COME ON, YOU TWO. THANKS SO MUCH.

- ALL RIGHT. - AS SLOW AS YOU GOT TO GO.

- I DON'T BELIEVE IT. - [chuckles]

- HEY, LOOK WHO IT IS.

- SIX WEEKS, AND I'M GOOD AS NEW.

CHECK THIS OUT. - CAREFUL, TIM,

YOU DON'T HAVE A LOT OF EXPERIENCE ON THOSE THINGS

[crash] - OH!

- [moans]

- OH, HE'S HURT. - YEAH, JUST PUT HIM BACK ON ME.

- WE GOT STAIRS. WE GOT TO SET HIM DOWN.

- JEFF, MIKE, DAVE. COME ON IN.

HOW'S IT GOING? - PRETTY GOOD.

BOY, YOU'RE REALLY LAID UP. - ACTUALLY, I FEEL FINE.

- OH, I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOUR...

- OH, YEAH, THAT'S LAID UP PRETTY BAD.

- [whispering] I THINK WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW

IS REST AND RELAXATION.

- [whispering] I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

- GENTLY, GENTLY. DON'T COME DOWN TOO HARD.

- I'M IN. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

- OH, TIM, HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE SUN ALL DAY?

- YEAH, BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I PUT SUNSCREEN ALL OVER.

WELL, YOU KNOW, EVERYWHERE EXCEPT FOR ONE SPOT.

AAH!

- IT WAS A PRETTY BAD SCORCH,

SO HE'S GONNA NEED TO USE A TOPICAL CREAM

AND THEN, AT ALL COSTS, HE CAN'T GET IT WET.

- RIGHT, DON'T GET IT WET. CAN HE GO SWIMMING?

- HE CAN. HE JUST NEEDS TO PUT,

LIKE, A LITTLE, TINY, LITTLE ZIPLOC BAGGIE OVER IT.

- OKAY. - WE'LL PUT THAT ON.

- DON'T GO OUT TOO DEEP, TIM. - KEEP THAT LITTLE BAG ON, TIM.

- CAREFUL, TIM, YOU GOT A SHARK SWIMMING BY YA.

- LITTLE CLOSE TO THAT GREAT WHITE.

- TIM! [chomp]

all: OH!

- AND TWO AND THREE...

AND FOUR.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, THERE'S A DOCTOR IN SWEDEN

THAT SPECIALIZES IN THIS KIND OF TREATMENT.

[airplane engine whirs]

[crash]

[all sobbing]

[bagpipe music playing]

*

- SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS, TIM. - OH, THANKS, BUDDY.

UH, MIKE, YOU KNOW MY GIRLFRIEND, GLORIA.

- YES. HI, GLORIA. - HELLO.

- [whispering indistinctly]

- SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.

- ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, WE'RE GOING TO GET STARTED.

MY LITTLE PECKER WAS A GREAT PENIS.

HE LIVED A FULL LIFE,

AND HE LEAVES BEHIND TWO BEAUTIFUL BALLS...

AND ABOUT A HALF A MILLION SPERM.

MY HEART GOES OUT TO HIS WIFE, MY GIRLFRIEND'S VAGINA.

BUT LET US NOT WALLOW IN SADNESS,

FOR HE IS IN A BETTER PLACE NOW.

[tapping]

DO YOU GUYS HEAR A LITTLE TAPPING SOUND?

[tapping]

- THAT MAN'S JOHNSON IS BACK ALIVE!

[cheers and applause]

- AH, THE PIN-UP GIRLS OF WORLD WAR II.

ADORNING THE NOSE OF EVERY FIGHTER PLANE

AND AT LEAST ONE BOAT, THESE CURVY CARTOONS

REMINDED THE MEN WHAT THEY WERE FIGHTING FOR.

MEANWHILE, ON THE HOME FRONT,

WOMEN TOOK TO MILLS, FARMS, AND HOSPITALS

TO HELP THE WAR EFFORT.

BUT DID YOU KNOW THEY HAD PIN-UPS OF THEIR OWN?

PIN-UP BOYS, LIKE HUNKY HARRY AND RUGGED ROGER,

REALLY SEEMED TO STRIKE A CHORD WITH THE LONELY LADIES

WHILE THE REAL MEN WERE OFF FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT.

THESE HAND-DRAWN HUNKS

WERE THE HEART OF THE HOME FRONT,

ALL THANKS TO ONE NAME, BARBARA O'SHAUGHNESSY.

BORN IN QUINCY, MASSACHUSETTS,

BARBARA WAS AN ART STUDENT WITH A PASSION FOR THE PECULIAR.

- OH, I LOVED ALL MY PIN-UP BOYS--

CHUBBY, KNOBBY, PASTY, THE PASTIER THE BETTER.

- LEFT WITH FEW OPTIONS, BARBARA O'S ROSTER

CONSISTED OF MEN THE STATE DEEMED UNDRAFTABLE.

- STATE YOUR NAME.

- DALE STEVENS FROM WILLIAMSBURG.

- WHAT KEPT YOU OUT OF THE WAR, DALE?

- SLOW REFLEXES.

- MARK BELOTTI, BORN WITH FLAT FEET.

- KEITH STANTON, TOO SCARED.

- PATCH MCGILLIS, I GOT NO FEET.

- THESE BOYS WERE THE LEFTOVERS, ALL RIGHT,

BUT NOT IN BARBARA'S EYES.

- I SAW SOMETHING IN THEM--

A CERTAIN RAW MASCULINITY AND SEXUALITY.

OH, THAT'S GOOD STUFF.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE, THAT'S PERFECT.

THAT EXPRESSION RIGHT THERE, THAT'S PERFECT.

THERE'S A CURVE, IT'S THE SCOLIOSIS OF THE SPINE.

CHIN UP A LITTLE BIT, CHIN UP. PERFECT RIGHT THERE.

- HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

THERE'S A ROLL THAT I WANT TO GRAB. DON'T MOVE.

IT'S A SHAPE I'VE NEVER QUITE SEEN BEFORE.

IT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE A MAN. IT'S SOME SORT OF A PEAR.

IT'S A PEAR I'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE EITHER.

AND YET IT'S A PEAR I KIND OF WANT TO TAKE A BITE OUT OF.

THAT'S IT.

ONE HAD A HEAD THAT WAS ALMOST A PERFECT SQUARE,

AND, BOY, WAS IT SEXY.

BOY, WAS IT EVER.

OH, THOSE ARE LARGE NIPPLES. OH, YEAH.

- THE POPULARITY OF THE PIN-UP BOYS

MAY SEEM BAFFLING BY TODAY'S STANDARDS,

BUT IT DIDN'T LAST LONG.

IN 1945, THE WAR WAS OVER, AND THE WOMEN REJOICED,

ENDING AN ODD ERA FOR THE YOUNG UNITED STATES.

NO ONE'S QUITE SURE WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PIN-UP BOYS.

LEGEND HAS IT ALL SEVEN MOVED INTO AN ABANDONED MANSION

ON THE TOP OF THE HILL.

IT'S SAID THAT ON A QUIET NIGHT YOU CAN STILL HEAR THEM...

[smooching]

PRACTICING KISSING.

- MALE CAUCASIAN, 22 YEARS OLD,

WENT MISSING ABOUT 18 HOURS AGO.

NEIGHBOR FOUND HIS BODY IN A DUFFEL BAG

WITH A NOTE ON IT THAT SAID, "DO NOT OPEN."

NOT MUCH TO GO ON,

BUT WE DO KNOW HE'S A FAN OF BOYS' CLUB MEDY.

HIS NAME IS RICHARD, RICHARD DICKEY.

WE'RE GONNA STOP BY HIS FRIEND'S HOUSE RIGHT NOW

FOR A LITTLE QUESTIONING.

GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR. I'M OFFICER GORMAN.

I'D LIKE TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS

ABOUT YOUR FRIEND IF I COULD. - NO!

UGH!

- UH, ALL RIGHT, WELL, UH...

I GUESS I'LL JUST CUFF HIM.

THESE THINGS NEVER SEEM TO WORK FOR ME.

OH, THERE THEY GO.

- WELL, KEN, TAD, THANKS FOR EVERYTHING.

- OF COURSE, BUT, HEY, YOU'RE ALMOST DONE, THOUGH, RIGHT?

- WELL, ANY DAY NOW. ANY DAY NOW.

BUT I SHOULD GET OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

- OKAY, HEY, AND IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, WE'RE HERE.

- OH, GOD BLESS YA. - ANYTHING AT ALL.

- HAVE A GREAT NIGHT. - BYE, KAREN.

- OH, THAT'S NICE. HEY, TAD, WHAT DO YOU SAY

WE GET ONE OF THOSE PIZZAS YOU'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT?

- YEAH, YEAH, CIRCLE OF DOUGH, CUT UP TRIANGLES,

PUT SOME CHEESE ON IT. UM, SURE.

- IS EVERYTHING OKAY? WHAT'S WRONG?

- AH, IT'S JUST...KAREN.

THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY WEIRD GOING ON THERE.

IS THIS CRAZY, OR IS KAREN'S PREGNANT STOMACH

JUST A BASKETBALL TUCKED INTO HER DRESS?

- YES, I WAS THINKING THE SAME EXACT THING!

THAT'S CRAZY! - WHO IS SHE TRYING TO FOOL?

- I HAVE NO IDEA. PLUS, I THINK SHE WEARS A WIG, MAN.

- YEAH.

- AND SHE'GOT THAT LUMP IN THE FRONT OF HER NECK.

HEY, I'M JUST GONNA COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT.

I THINK THAT KAREN IS A MAN IN A WIG.

- YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

I MEAN, IT ALL MAKES SENSE. THE BASKETBALL...

SHE TALKS ABOUT A HUSBAND WHO, OH, YEAH, WE'VE NEVER MET.

- PLEASE. - AND THOSE BREASTS

THAT WOULD BE MORE AT HOME NOT IN A BRA, NO,

BUT A TISSUE BOX FOR SURE.

- NEXT TIME I HAVE TO SNEEZE, I'M REACHING FOR HER BREASTS.

- GUYS, I THINK I'M HAVING THIS BABY!

- OKAY, KAREN, WHY DON'T I CALL AN NBA REFEREE

AND WE'LL GET THIS THING DELIVERED?

- YEAH, WE'RE SICK OF THE LIES, DUDE.

[all screaming]

[siren wailing]

- WHOA, KEN! THIS IS CRAZY, MAN!

- TAD, I LOVE YA, BUT YOU WERE WRONG ABOUT THIS ONE, PAL!

- WHAT ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?

- OH, KAREN, WE THOUGHT YOU WERE A MAN,

AND WE WERE WRONG, MAN!

- YEAH, WE ARE OFTEN RIGHT, BUT TODAY WE WERE WRONG-O!

- IT'S CRAZY, MAN!

[all screaming]

- OKAY, ALMOST THERE.

YOU GOT TO GIVE ME ONE MORE BIG PUSH, YEAH?

- WHAT IS THAT?

- MRS. FREEDMAN, SAY HELLO TO YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY BALL.

[both laughing]

- WOW, WOW, WOW!

- WHICH ONE OF YOU TWO IS THE FATHER?

- HA HA HA HA. - NO, NO.

- BACHELORS FOR LIFE. - THAT WOULD BE ME.

- OH!

- THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF KAREN, FELLAS.

I OWE YOU A ROUND OF BEERS.

- OKAY.

- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT.

- SAME SHAPE AND EVERYTHING.

- THIS HAS BEEN FUN, BUT WE HAVE GOT TO GO.

- JUST LIKE HIS DADDY.

- GOOD LUCK.

- THE FUTURE, THIS IS WHERE MY SON,

TOM O'CONNELL, WILL LEAD THE RESISTANCE

AGAINST THE MACHINES.

NOW, A ROBOTIC TERMINATION DEVICE, OR RTD,

IS ON A MISSION THROUGH TIME

TO DESTROY TOM WHEN HE'S AT HIS MOST VULNERABLE...

INSIDE MY WOMB.

THE RTD CAME FROM THE FUTURE...

FIVE YEARS IN THE FUTURE.

[whirring]

- WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON WITH THIS THING?

- HEY. IT'S OFF.

I'M GONNA RESTART IT.

[computer chimes] GO, GO, GO, GO, GO.

- RIGHT.

[grunting]

- WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS THING? - BLOW IN IT.

- WHERE? - I DON'T KNOW. IN ITS NECK?

- OH.

[exhales deeply]

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WORKED.

- OH, BOY.

- LET'S GO, LET'S GO. GO, GO, GO, GO.

GO, GO, GO, GO.

- HELLO?

- ARE YOU LINDA O'CONNELL?

- WHAT?

- ARE YOU LINDA O'CONNELL?

- NO.

- I MUST DESTROY LINDA O'CONNELL.

- OH...

OKAY.

- I MUST DESTROY LINDA--LINDA--LINDA O'CONNELL.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS THING? - THAT'S OUR FAULT.

- WAIT. WE CAN END THIS NOW.

THE RTD...

IT'S NOT POWERFUL. LIKE, AT ALL.

IT CAN WALK KIND OF, BUT NOT REALLY.

DEFINITELY NOT ON STAIRS. LET'S DESTROY IT...

AND YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO LIVE AS SLAVES.

- OKAY. - NEVER--OH, OKAY. OKAY.

- THAT NIGHT WE DISCOVERED THE ROBOT'S WEAKNESS.

[camera shutter clicking]

- I'VE NEVER SEEN HIM BEFORE.

- SO YOU DIDN'T...

KILL HIM. - NUH-UH. I DIDN'T.

I MEAN, WHY WOULD I EVEN DO THAT?

- FAIR ENOUGH. LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS ON WOMEN IN COMEDY?

- WHAT? - POOR DICKEY HERE--

HE DIDN'T LIKE IT TOO MUCH.

NOW, YOU WOULDN'T, SAY, KILL HIM

OVER SOMETHING LIKE THAT, WOULD YA?

- WHAT? NO WAY.

I-I AGREE WITH HIM.

I DON'T THINK WOMEN ARE FUNNY EITHER.

[chuckles]

- ALL RIGHT, BUT HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

I'M DONE HERE.

IN FACT, I'M GONNA TURN YOU

OVER TO OFFICER VICKERS...

OFFICER JILL VICKERS. ENJOY.

- HI, THERE. OFFICER VICKERS.

SORRY YOU HAD TO BE STUCK IN HERE WITH MY COLLEAGUE.

DID HE GIVE YOU THE OLD...

"ANSWER THE QUESTION AND DON'T PLAY ANY GAMES"?

- [laughs] - THIS IS HIM, HE'S ALL LIKE,

"I GOT SUSPENDERS ON SO MY PANTS DON'T FALL DOWN.

"ANSWER THE QUESTION!

I GOT A BIG-ASS BUTT." FART.

[imitates fart] FART.

YOU FIND SOMETHING FUNNY?

- COME ON. - N-NO.

- YOU'RE FINDING SOMETHING FUNNY.

- NO!

- THEN MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T MIND A LITTLE MUSIC. WHAT?

* OFFICER GORMAN'S GOT A BIG OLD BUTT *

* OFFICER GORMAN FARTS A LOT - [groaning]

- I THINK I'VE SEEN ALL I NEED TO SEE HERE.

BUT I'M GONNA TAKE ONE MORE LOOK.

- [laughing wheezily]

- YOU'RE SICK.

- [laughing]

- GOOD SHOW.

- WE GOT HIM.

- YOU EVER DO STAND-UP? - NO.

- I THINK YOU COULD DO IT. - YEAH?

[dramatic choral music]

*

- WOMEN ARE FUNNY.

*

[electricity crackling]

*

- HI. I'M ELLIE KEMPER,

AND I'M NOT GOING TO BE FUNNY ANYMORE.

- IN LIGHT OF THE EVENTS OF THE PAST 48 HOURS,

WE HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE ON BEHALF OF ALL WOMEN.

- WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE FUNNY ANYMORE.

- WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE FUNNY ANYMORE.

- WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE FUNNY ANYMORE.

- LOOK AT THE CONSEQUENCES. - WE JUST CAN'T PARTICIPATE

IN SOMETHING THAT'S GOING TO LEAD TO MORE DEATH.

- BEING FUNNY WAS... REALLY GREAT.

- BUT I GUESS WE WERE JUST TOO FUNNY.

- TOO FUNNY. - TOO FUNNY.

- I ENCOURAGE WOMEN TO CONTINUE TO EXCEL

IN OTHER FIELDS.

- JUST... - DON'T BE FUNNY.

- FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T BE FUNNY.

both: WE'RE GARFUNKEL AND OATES,

AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE FUNNY ANYMORE.

- WE'RE JUST GONNA BE SERIOUS. - LIKE THIS.

- I'M NICOLE BYER,

AND I'M NOT GOING TO BE FUNNY ANYMORE.

- SANDRA BERNHARD, NOT GONNA BE FUNNY.

- CASEY WILSON HERE.

I'M NO LONGER GOING TO BE FUNNY.

- THIS IS LENNON PARHAM,

AND I'M NOT GONNA BE FUNNY ANYMORE.

NOT A QUIP, NOT A JIBE. NOT EVEN A BON MOT.

[twangy guitar music plays on television]

- OH! I KEEP HURTING MY NARDS!

- [laughing]