Original subtitles

[upbeat pop music]

*

- [soothing voice] * HEY

* TRAVEL ON

* TRAVEL ALL DAY-AY-AY

* HEY

* TRAVEL ON

* TRAVEL ALL DAY-AY-AY

- ME? OH, NO, THANKS.

THESE ARE MY GOOD CLOTHES.

DON'T WANT TO GET GRASS STAINS.

* TRAVEL ALL DAY-AY-AY

- [yelping]

LOOKING A LITTLE BIT SPLASHY OVER THERE.

DRY CLEAN ONLY.

- * TRAVEL ALL DAY-AY-AY

* HEY OH, OH, OH *

* TRAVEL ON

- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE GONNA WRINKLE MY PLEATS.

JESUS CHRIST, THESE CLOTHES ARE VERY EXPENSIVE.

HOLY SHIT!

*

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GO ON WITHOUT ME.

I GOT SUEDE SHOES.

HAVE FUN ON THE SAILBOAT.

[chuckles]

I GOT MY SHIRT TUCKED IN JUST HOW I LIKE IT, SO...

[sighs]

- * AH, AH, AH, AH

- * CHANGE

* CHANGE YOUR LOVE

* TAKE A PLANE TO SMILE *

- * AH, AH, AH

- CLASS. STYLE. PRESTIGE.

PRICY-NESS.

HELLO. I'M LAURENCE EASTMAN.

MY NEW COLLECTION IS FABULOUS,

BUT REMEMBER, IT'S ALSO VERY EXPENSIVE.

SO BE CAREFUL.

WEAR YOUR HAND-ME-DOWNS WHEN YOU GOOF AROUND.

OH, GOODNESS.

OH, SO MUCH-- [laughs]

OH, A LITTLE ROUGHHOUSE?

TIME TO TICKLE THE TUMMY. [laughs]

WEDGIE.

OH, STOP IT.

QUIT PULLING MY UNDERWEAR UP MY BOTTOM.

[laughs]

OH, GOODNESS.

[upbeat music]

*

[patriotic music]

- YOU KNOW, THE UNITED STATES

TRULY IS A MELTING POT

WHERE DIFFERENT CLASSES AND CULTURES

CAN MIX TOGETHER AS ONE.

IT'S WHAT MAKES THIS COUNTRY SO GREAT.

[music drops]

IT'S ALSO WHAT MAKES IT A LAUGH RIOT.

HI, FOLKS.

I'M POLITICAL CARTOONIST TOM PERDY.

ASIDE FROM GETTING AWAY WITH JOURNALISTIC MURDER,

I EXPOSE THE ABSOLUTE ABSURDITY OF OUR MODERN WORLD

THROUGH VERY SMART AND VERY FUNNY CARTOONS.

BASICALLY, I'M A COURT JESTER WITH A MASTER'S DEGREE.

[chuckles]

TODAY, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU

A PEEK INSIDE THE PROCESS

AND SHOW YOU HOW MY TWISTED MIND WORKS.

WHY DON'T WE GET GOING?

THE FIRST STEP TO ANY POLITICAL CARTOON

IS FINDING INSPIRATION.

OH, THIS IS SO GREAT.

SO GREAT.

ONE OF MINE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THIS CARTOON?

YOU GET THE JOKE RIGHT AWAY,

AND IT GIVES YOU MORE TIME TO LAUGH.

AND YOU'RE GONNA LAUGH A LOT.

SMART PIECE. VERY FUNNY.

NOW THAT I'VE PERUSED THE NEWS FOR AN IDEA,

I'M READY TO DRAW.

[chuckles]

CLASS COMPETITION, RIGHT?

HYSTERICAL.

NOW, YOU'LL NOTICE THAT THIS CARTOON

HAS A FEW THINGS IN COMMON

WITH THE LAST PIECE I JUST SHOWED YOU

INSOMUCH THAT IT'S VERY SMART

AND ALSO VERY FUNNY.

NOW, YOU'RE PROBABLY SAYING,

"HEY, TOM, I AGREE.

THIS PIECE IS SO SMART AND SO FUNNY."

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

"BUT, TOM, IS IT REALLY THAT POLITICAL?"

[chuckles]

LUCKILY, I CAN CHANGE THAT RIGHT NOW.

THIS ISN'T EVEN FAIR. [chuckles]

AM I GOING TOO FAR HERE?

WELL, GEE, I HOPE SO.

NO ONE IS SAFE.

AND THAT'S JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT.

UH-OH.

[drumroll]

ABSOLUTELY SCATHING.

YES, I'M TAKING JABS AT BOTH SIDES OF THE CLASS SYSTEM,

AND NO, I'M NOT APOLOGIZING FOR IT.

THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD.

THOSE WHO GET MY SENSE OF HUMOR...

AND THOSE WHO LOVE IT.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME BORROW YOUR FUNNY BONE

FOR A FEW MINUTES, FOLKS.

AND YOU CAN CHECK OUT MY NEW ANTHOLOGY

IN BOOK STORES NOW.

I'M VERY SMART.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SO WHAT IS THIS BIG SECRET

YOU TWO JUST COULDN'T WAIT TO TELL US?

- YEAH?

- WELL, WE'RE HAVING A BABY.

- WHAT? - WOW.

- OH, MY GOD, CONGRATULATIONS.

- THAT IS HUGE NEWS.

- YEAH, WE SHOULD CELEBRATE.

- WAITER, ANOTHER ROUND FOR THE TABLE.

- WE HAVE A GREAT DOCTOR DOING THE ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION.

AND THE MOTHER IS A WONDERFUL GIRL.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU GUYS TO MEET HER.

- YEAH, YEP. - WE DECIDED TO USE MY SPERM.

- HEY! - [coughing]

- ARE YOU OKAY? - YEAH.

NO, I'M FINE. - [laughs]

- WENT DOWN THE WRONG PIPE THERE.

SO, I'M SORRY, YOU WERE SAYING YOU'RE USING YOUR SPERM?

- WE WANTED THE BABY TO HAVE BROWN HAIR LIKE MINE.

[chuckles] - YEAH.

- ANYWAY, THIS-- - YEAH, HEY, SO SORRY.

IF I CAN JUST INTERJECT. [chuckles]

DID YOU EVER CONSIDER USING EDMUND'S SPERM?

- WE CONSIDERED IT, YEAH, BUT... - YEAH, WE DID.

- LIKE I SAID, WE WANTED THE BABY TO HAVE BROWN HAIR.

WE'RE TRYING TO THINK OF NAMES RIGHT NOW.

IF IT'S A BOY--

- I GOT TO STOP YOU RIGHT THERE, BILL.

I'M SO SORRY. HEY, GUYS.

WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER A LONG TIME, RIGHT?

SO DON'T TAKE OFFENSE TO THIS.

YOU WENT TO HARVARD, RIGHT? - NO, ACTUALLY, YALE.

- IVY LEAGUE. VERY PROUD OF YOU.

THAT'S IMPRESSIVE.

AND BILL. SWEET BILL.

YOU DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE, RIGHT?

- I WENT TO A SERIES OF SEMINARS

THAT TURNED OUT TO BE A TIME-SHARE PRESENTATION.

OOPS.

[laughter]

IT WAS INTERESTING STUFF THOUGH.

- SURE, I'M SURE.

GUYS, BILL'S DUMB.

- YES.

- ANYWAY, I NEED TO GO TO THE SPERM PLACE,

AND THEY'RE GONNA TAKE SEEDS OUT OF ME.

- YEAH, JUST ONE THING.

DID YOU GUYS EVER DISCUSS THE DIFFERENCE

IN PHYSIQUE BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU?

I MEAN, EDMUND,

YOU RAN A MARATHON LAST WEEK, DIDN'T YOU?

- TWO. - WOW.

- TWO MARATHONS! WOW!

- THAT'S MY MAN.

- NOW, BILL, HAVE YOU EVER RUN A MARATHON?

- WELL, YEAH.

WELL, I DIDN'T "RUN" IN A "MARATHON."

I "ATE" "SPICY CHICKEN WINGS."

IT WAS MORE OF A WING-A-THON. BUT I WON.

- AND YOU STILL DECIDED TO GO WITH YOUR SPERM.

- LIKE I SAID, WE WANTED THE BABY TO HAVE BROWN HAIR.

- THERE'S A SPIDER LIVING INSIDE BILL'S EAR.

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

EDMUND IS A NEUROSURGEON.

AND BILL, YOU CAN BARELY GET THROUGH AN ISSUE

OF NINTENDO POWER!

DID YOU EVER DISCUSS THAT?

- WE TALKED ABOUT IT.

[haltingly] "YOSHI MET LUIGI"--

[sighs]

EDMUND, IT SHOULD BE YOU.

I HAVE WEBBED FEET, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

- OH, BILL, STOP IT.

YOU HAVE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL BROWN HAIR, HONEY.

MAYBE IT SHOULD BE YOU.

- YEAH.

ME THEN.

GOOD NIGHT.

[snoring]

[upbeat music]

*

[sweet music]

*

[upbeat pop music]

- [laughing]

*

- [rough voices] * HEY

* TRAVEL ON

* TRAVEL ALL DAY-AY-AY

- OH! [laughs]

- * HEY

* TRAVEL ON

* TRAVEL ALL DAY-AY-AY

- GET OVER HERE, YOU ASSHOLE.

[laughter]

- * TRAVEL ON

* TRAVEL ALL DAY-AY-AY

- [groans]

[all chanting] DAN! DAN! DAN! DAN!

[laughter]

- I'M DAN DINKLE.

YOU KNOW, MY NEW LINE OF HAND-ME-DOWN STYLE FASHIONS

ARE GREAT FOR SCREWING AROUND.

THEY'RE A GREAT THING TO WEAR IF YOU WANT TO FLIP AND FLOP

AND HAVE A GOOD TIME.

OR IF YOU WANT TO PLAY A QUICK GAME OF GRAB-ASS.

HEY, THEY'RE ONLY ABOUT $1 A POP,

GO JUST GET 'EM, YOU SHITHEADS.

- EVERYTHING'S ON THE GRILL.

[laughter]

- OH, HI, GANG.

LARRY HERE. [chuckling]

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HAVING A ROCKING TIME.

MIND IF I JOIN IN?

[sweet music]

- YOU KNOW WHAT?

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, YOU DANDY DORK!

- MY WORD.

- BOYS, SIC HIM.

[all laughing crudely]

- MY WORD. - YOU SIC HIM GOOD!

- MY WORD.

[echoing] MY WORD!

[rock music]

*

- ROCK CITY SOUNDSCAPE BURST ONTO THE SCENE THREE YEARS AGO

WITH THEIR EPONYMOUS INDIE LABEL DEBUT.

*

THE LO-FI LP BLEW UP

AND LANDED THEM ON MAJOR POP RECORDS

WHERE THEY RELEASED THEIR SOPHOMORE EFFORT,

DANCING.

[pop music]

THE ALBUM WAS HEAVILY PROMOTED

AND LICENSED TO NATIONAL COMMERCIALS.

- * HEY

* TRAVEL ON

- BUT THEIR NEW POP SOUND WAS MET WITH SCORN FROM FANS.

- THEY SUCK.

[echoing] SELLOUTS!

AND WHEN SALES FALTERED,

THE BAND OPTED FOR A NEW DIRECTION.

[folk music]

TURNING THEIR BACKS ON THE POP MUSIC INDUSTRY,

THEY SPENT TEN MONTHS IN A CABIN

OUTSIDE OF EAU CLAIRE, WISCONSIN.

- YOU DON'T NEED A FANCY STUDIO TO MAKE AN ALBUM, YOU KNOW?

YOU DON'T NEED ELECTRICITY. YOU DON'T NEED RUNNING WATER.

YOU DON'T NEED TOILETS TO MAKE AN ALBUM.

YOU JUST NEED MUSIC.

- ENDURING SEVERE WEATHER AND ISOLATION,

THEY FINALLY EMERGED WITH WHAT THEY DESCRIBED

AS THEIR MOST PERSONAL WORK TO DATE:

AN UNTITLED TRIPLE ALBUM

RECORDED ENTIRELY ON ANALOG REEL-TO-REEL.

AND NOW THE WORLD'S PREMIERE OF THE ALBUM'S OPENING TRACK,

THE WOODS.

[peppy pop music]

all: HEY! - * OOH, OOH, OOH

* WE'RE IN THE WOODS

* HEY, HEY, HEY AND WE'RE HAVING FUN *

all: FUN! - * YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

* HAVE YOU SEEN OUR CABIN?

* WE'VE LIVED HERE FOR TEN WHOLE MONTHS *

all: HEY! - * WOODS, WOODS

* WE'RE IN THE WOODS

* STICK AND ROCKS, YEAH WE GOT THE GOODS *

* THE OTHER DAY, I THOUGHT I SAW A PINECONE *

* IT TURNED OUT TO IN FACT BE A PINECONE *

all: HEY! - * AND ONE TIME

* WE SWAM IN A RIVER

* I WORE MY TRUNKS AND MY T-SHIRT TOO *

all: FUN! - * WE PICKED NUTS

* AND FIGS AND BERRIES

* AND WE EVEN SAW A FERAL MAN *

all: WHOA! - * IT'S FUN OUT HERE

* BUT WE MISS THE CITY

* WE WISH WE COULD BE THERE RIGHT NOW *

all: YEAH! - * WOODS, WOODS

* WE DON'T LIKE OUR OUTHOUSE *

* WE'RE AFRAID A SPIDER WILL CLIMB UP OUR BUTTS *

*

* WOODS, WOODS, WE'RE IN THE WOODS *

* WE HOPE THIS SINGLE GETS A LOT OF DOWNLOADS *

* WOODS, WOODS, WE'RE IN THE WOODS *

* LET'S RECORD OUR NEXT ALBUM AT SIX FLAGS! *

all: YEAH! [horn honking]

- TAXI!

- HOP IN, BOYS.

- 911, WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?

- I SAW A MAN, A WILD MAN. - [growling]

- HE'S GROWLING AT ME NOW. HE'S GROWLING AT ME.

- UNIT 591 RESPONDING.

OH, MY GOD. I SEE HIM.

- [growling incoherently]

- HE'S RESISTING, RIGHT.

- OH, HERE WE GO. WE GOT HIM.

OH, SHIT, LOOK AT THEM TEETH.

- HELLO. YES, THIS IS DR. CROWELL.

- HI, THIS IS SHERIFF KEN BINGHAM.

I THINK YOU MIGHT WANT TO COME DOWN HERE.

- HE'S RIGHT IN HERE.

[primitive music]

*

- HELLO. I'M DR. CROWELL.

- HI.

HI, DOCTOR.

I'M MARK ANDRE.

YEAH, MARK ANDRE DI VECCHIO.

PUT 'ER THERE. [both chuckle]

- HIS LANGUAGE SKILLS ARE VERY IMPRESSIVE.

- YEAH.

- ARE YOU SURE HE'S NEVER HAD

ANY HUMAN INTERACTION?

- I AM POSITIVE.

- OH, LOOK HERE NOW.

[coffee machine beeps]

OH, MY.

MARK ANDRE,

DO YOU ENJOY COFFEE?

- HOT BROWN?

- YES, BEAN JUICE, HOT BROWN. YES, YEAH.

- YEAH, WE JUST CALL IT COFFEE AROUND HERE, MARK ANDRE.

- [wailing]

- OH! NO, NO.

OR HOT BROWN. HOT BROWN, OKAY.

TRY TO SEE THINGS FROM HIS POINT OF VIEW.

TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE UNIQUE WORLD

HE'S CREATED FOR HIMSELF.

- OH, OKAY, OKAY.

YEAH, HOT BROWN. ENJOY THE HOT BROWN.

THAT LOOKS LIKE GOOD HOT BROWN.

- MM, SPLENDID. - UGH.

- WHY DON'T I ENGAGE HIM IN PLAY, HUH?

- NICE SHIRT.

- OKAY.

MARK ANDRE, BALL.

BALL.

- YEAH, COOL, COME ON. LET ME SEE IT.

- [chuckles] - YEAH, THERE WE GO.

[whistles] - HE'S QUITE FAMILIAR.

- [whistling tunefully]

- HE'S EVEN WHISTLING THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS THEME.

- CAW, CAW, OOH, OOH.

- IT'S AN ENTIRELY UNIQUE

WOODS VERSION OF THE SONG, SEE?

- OH.

- HEY, FOUR-POINTER.

[laughter]

- THAT'S A THREE-POINTER, MARK ANDRE.

- [wailing]

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

FOUR-POINTER. FOUR-POINTER, MARK ANDRE.

- FOUR POINTS.

- HEH? - AH.

THIS IS THE REMOTE CONTROL FOR THE TELEVISION.

- YEAH.

- [wailing]

- YOU DON'T THINK IT'S 'CAUSE THEY'RE GAY, DO YOU?

- WE CAN'T ASSUME. IT COULD BE THEIR APPEARANCE.

- HMM.

- [wailing]

- SO HE'S RACIST?

- WELL...

[rap music]

- [laughing]

[wailing]

- SO HE'S HOMOPHOBIC AND RACIST?

- [wailing]

- JESUS, THESE CHANNELS ARE CRAZY.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, WE GOT TO GET HIM BACK INTO THE WILD.

- NO! HE'S A SCIENTIFIC ANOMALY.

- HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

- ASSHOLE OR NOT, I WILL INTEGRATE HIM INTO SOCIETY.

- THAT'S GONNA TAKE YEARS! - NO!

I HAVE A BETTER PLAN.

AND IT WON'T TAKE YEARS.

- CITIZENS OF TWIN OAKS,

THE NEW CITY ORDINANCES ARE AS FOLLOWS:

THREE-POINTERS WILL NOW BE WORTH FOUR POINTS.

AND COFFEE WILL NOW BE KNOWN AS HOT BROWN.

- YOU BASTARD! [audience jeering]

- PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE.

- HEY. HEY, HEY. HEY, WHO DID THAT?

- THEY ARE REALLY NOT GONNA LIKE THE STUFF

ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE AND GAYS.

- HEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

ALL RIGHT.

JAMIE, SAM, JESSE, THE GUYS.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

- WE'RE JUST WATCHING TV.

- DO YOU WANT SOMETHING TO DRINK?

- YEAH, I'LL JUST HAVE WHATEVER YOU GUYS ARE HAVING.

MAYBE A BEER?

- WE'RE DRINKING ICE TEA.

[ice rattles]

- WE MIGHT HAVE A BEER THOUGH.

- OKAY, YEAH. [laughs]

ALL RIGHT. RIGHT HERE. [clapping]

USE THE ARM.

YEAH, GIVE 'ER.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE WE WATCHING?

[grunts]

THE GAME? [laughs]

- WE'RE WATCHING ROMANCING THE STONE.

- NICE.

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF GIRLS DON'T LIKE SPORTS,

BUT I ACTUALLY LOVE THEM.

JUST THINK OF ME AS ONE OF THE GUYS.

- JENNIFER, LISTEN.

YOU HAVE TO STOP SAYING

YOU'RE ONE OF THE GUYS.

- OH, WHY?

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T ACCEPT THAT A GIRL LIKE ME

CAN HANG WITH GUYS LIKE YOU AND FIT IN?

'CAUSE YOU'RE SEXIST?

- NO.

BECAUSE WE'RE WOMEN.

- WHAT?

- WE'RE WOMEN.

LOOK.

[belt rattling]

[sweet music]

- WHAT IS THAT?

- WHY, IT'S MY VAGINA, OF COURSE.

*

- WE'RE WOMEN, AND THESE ARE OUR VAGINAS.

- I'M SORRY, I-- I THOUGHT YOU WERE GUYS.

- WE'RE NOT.

WE'RE WEIRD WOMEN.

- I GUESS I'LL NEVER BE ONE OF THE GUYS.

- NOPE.

[knocking, men chatting indistinctly]

- I'M GETTING THEM.

- OH, OUR SEVEN HUSBANDS ARE HERE.

- I'M HERE TO PICK UP OUR "WIFES."

- AH. - COMING.

- COMING.

*

[door clicks] - [sighs]

- I'M NEVER GONNA BE A "WIVE."

- LOOK, I LOVE HER, AND SHE LOVES ME.

- WE WANT THAT ROMANTIC STONE, LIKE, NOW.

- AFTER THE HUMILIATION OF WHAT FANS CALLED

THE WORST ALBUM OF ALL TIME...

- * A LOT OF DOWNLOADS

- [echoing] SELL-OUTS!

- THEY DECIDED THEY HAD NOT GONE

FAR ENOUGH AWAY FROM THE MUSIC INDUSTRY,

SO THEY CHOSE TO RECORD THEIR NEXT LP

IN THE RURAL HILLS OF ANTARCTICA'S SOUTH POLE REGION.

AND NOW THE WORLD'S PREMIERE OF THEIR OPENING TRACK,

COLD.

[somber folk music]

*

all: YEAH!

*

- * COLD IN MY HEART

* COLD IN MY HEART

* NO COOL, CRUEL CLIMATE

* COULD EVER COMPETE WITH THE COLD *

- * COLD - * COLD

- * COLD IN MY HEART

all: YEAH!

*

- * IT ALL WORKED OUT

* AS IT TURNS OUT

* BEING FAR AWAY

* IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT

* IN THE COLD

- * COLD - * COLD

- * COLD IN MY HEART

all: YEAH!

*

- "CASE STUDY.

"IT HAD BEEN OUR HYPOTHESIS

"THAT THERE WAS VIRTUE IN INTEGRATION...

"THAT SOCIETY WOULD FIND GREAT VALUE

"IN THE MIXING OF PEOPLE AND IDEAS.

"I FEAR THAT WAS A FOOL'S DREAM.

"IN REALITY, OUR STUDIES PROVED

"THAT A PERSON'S BEST CHANCE OF PROSPERITY

"WAS IN THEIR INTENDED ENVIRONMENT,

SURROUNDED BY LIKE-MINDED INDIVIDUALS."

- * COLD IN MY HEART

- "I FIND THE TRUE FALLACY

"IS TO BE FOUND IN SCIENCE ITSELF,

FOR IT MEDDLES WITH GOD'S PLAN."

[printer whirring]

all: YEAH!

- LATELY, I--I DON'T FEEL LIKE I FIT IN ANYWHERE.

- WHAT ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS? - OH, THEY'RE ALL FLAKES.

I NEVER SEE ANY OF THEM ANYMORE.

I DO MISS THAT WILD BUNCH OF HOOLIGANS.

- AH, WELL--

- [laughing]

- * DA BOYS, DA BOYS

* DA BOYS, DA BOYS

- I'M LAURENCE EASTMAN.

THE BOYS HERE AND I ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER

FOR ONE LAST COLLECTION.

[hip-hop music]

*

AND WE'RE HUNTING

THE MOST DANGEROUS GAME OF ALL...

- * HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY

* HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY

[gunshots, dogs barking]

- [whistles]

- [panting, whimpering]

[primitive music]

*

- LEAFY COLLAR. SHORT SLEEVES.

PERFECT PLEATS.

DID YOU MAKE THOSE YOURSELF?

- YEAH. YES.

- FIND ANYTHING, OLD BOY?

- [whimpering]

[gunshots, dogs barking]

- RUN!

[primitive music]

[dog snarling]

[gunshots]

- ABSOLUTELY.