Original subtitles

[indistinct chatter]

- WHAT UP, GUYS? SENIOR YEAR, BABY.

[all cheering]

- GUYS, GUYS, GUYS, LET'S MAKE A PACT

TO LOSE OUR VIRGINITIES BEFORE WE GRADUATE.

WHO'S IN?

COME ON.

- OKAY. - YEAH.

[laughter]

[Pomp and Circumstance playing]

- OH, SHIT, THE SONG STARTED.

- WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

[all gasping and grunting]

- WELCOME TODAY

TO OUR MATRICULATION CEREMONY,

AND WE'RE VERY HAPPY TO HAVE YOU ALL,

UH, IN HONOR.

I'M GONNA CALL NAMES NOW.

- HI, SAMANTHA.

WOULD YOU MAYBE WANT TO--

- LISTEN, MEGAN, IT CAN BE QUICK SEX.

- [gasps] - OW!

- IT DOESN'T EVEN NEED TO BE GOOD.

- YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO ENJOY IT,

JUST AS LONG AS IT'S SEX.

- YOU LOOK REALLY PRETTY TODAY.

- SO-- - OOH.

[whoosh] - WHOOP--HA HA HA.

- HERE'S A DOOZY. I WANT TO HAVE SEX.

- WHEW, THIS IS GONNA BE A LOT HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.

- I KNOW, WE SHOULD HAVE MADE THIS PACT YEARS AGO.

- SHUT UP OVER THERE.

- MRS. HAMMERMILL, WOULD YOU TAKE MY VIRGINITY?

[laughs]

- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

ALL SEVEN OF YOU, GET UP HERE.

COME ON UP. - [groans]

- MR. KOWALICK, EXPLAIN YOURSELF.

- IT'S JUST, WE ALL MADE A PACT TO LOSE OUR VIRGINITIES

BEFORE WE GRADUATED. - OH, GOD, ANOTHER PACT.

THIS HAPPENS EVERY YEAR.

[sighs] FINE.

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE HAVE SEX WITH THEM?

[crowd murmuring]

- [groans]

FINE, I'LL HAVE SEX WITH THIS ONE.

- [laughs] WHOA, REALLY?

- MISS DINGLE, FROM THE AMERICAN GROUP OF SOUTHERN LADIES.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR HER. [applause]

WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF YOU?

- SUPERINTENDENT, HI. I MADE A PACT WITH MY FRIENDS--

- YES, I WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

- YES. - BUT THEN WE'RE GONNA BE

IN A RELATIONSHIP, AND I WILL REQUIRE

YOUR TIME, EMOTIONAL SUPPORT,

AND FREQUENT TRIPS TO THE AIRPORT, MR. MITCHELL.

- OH. NEVER MIND.

- ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GONNA PASS HER UP ON THAT?

- YEAH. - VERY DISAPPOINTING.

- PRINCIPAL BLATHER, I DID IT.

I LOST MY VIRGINITY.

- AND VERY QUICKLY. - YES.

- NICE JOB, MR. KOWALICK. - THANK YOU.

- VERY PROUD OF YOU. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- AND THE REST OF YOU DO NOT GRADUATE.

- WHAT? - WHY NOT?

WE PASSED ALL THOSE CLASSES.

- WE TAKE OUR PACTS VERY SERIOUSLY HERE

AT THIS HIGH SCHOOL,

AND I CANNOT IN GOOD CONSCIENCE

ALLOW A BUNCH OF VIRGINS OUT INTO THE WORLD.

[laughter, jeers]

- VIRGINS SUCK!

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

[light classical music]

- HI, FOLKS.

I WANTED TO TAKE A MOMENT TO CALL YOUR ATTENTION

TO SOMETHING I FIND QUITE INTERESTING

THAT'S BEEN EVOLVING IN OUR SOCIETY.

IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,

THE CONCEPT OF WHAT MAKES A FAMILY

HAS CHANGED QUITE A BIT IN THE 21ST CENTURY.

MAYBE IT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE USED TO,

BUT SOMETIMES A FAMILY DOESN'T HAVE TO BE

A MOM, A DAD, TWO KIDS, A DOG,

AND A HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS.

THE CONTEMPORARY FAMILY CAN INCLUDE

A STEPMOTHER OR STEPFATHER.

SOMETIMES THERE ARE TWO MOMS OR TWO DADS.

A FAMILY CAN BE SEVERAL CHILDREN

AND A LOVING AUNT OR UNCLE.

A FAMILY CAN ALSO BE A GRANDMOTHER,

HER GRANDKIDS, AND A HELPFUL NANNY.

A FAMILY CAN BE TEN DADS.

THAT'S IT, JUST TEN DADS WITH NO KIDS.

A FAMILY CAN ALSO BE TEN KIDS

WITH NOT ONE DAD BETWEEN THE LOT OF THEM.

A FAMILY CAN BE ONE KID ALL BY HIMSELF,

ALONE IN THE WOODS.

OR MAYBE A FAMILY DOES HAVE A MOM,

A DAD, AND TWO KIDS,

BUT TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT THAT DAD.

HE'S A WOMAN.

LET'S SAY YOU GOT 30 KIDS,

A HYUNDAI ELANTRA, AND 3 QUARTS OF MILK.

THAT'S A FAMILY.

A FAT GUY, A WATERMELON, AND A STACK OF MAGAZINES?

FAMILY.

HOW ABOUT A COLLECTION OF PEOPLE

WHO MAY LOOK VERY MUCH LIKE A FAMILY

BUT I PROMISE ARE OF NO RELATION WHATSOEVER?

GUESS WHAT. I LIED.

THAT'S A FAMILY. SUE ME.

OR MAYBE YOU GOT A FAMILY,

BUT THEN THEY GET ALL JUMBLED UP

WITH SOME OTHER FAMILY.

FAMILY. PICTURE, IF YOU WILL,

THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF RHODE ISLAND.

NOW PICTURE THEIR THANKSGIVING.

[laughs]

LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT THIS FAMILY

WHOSE DAD TURNED OUT TO BE A WOMAN.

THERE'S STILL SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT THEM, ISN'T THERE?

MAYBE IT'S THAT MOM.

WAIT A SECOND. THAT'S NO WOMAN.

THAT'S A MAGAZINE.

A JEW, A CATHOLIC, AND A MUSLIM WALK INTO A BAR.

DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY IT?

A TRAIN LEAVES CHICAGO HEADED EAST AT 40 MILES PER HOUR.

DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT.

PULL MY FINGER.

FAMILY.

WELL, I THINK I'VE MADE MY POINT.

THERE ARE LOTS OF DIFFERENT TYPES OF FAMILIES OUT THERE.

AND AS FOR ME...

I GOT TEN DADS.

WELL, THANKS FOR LISTENING,

AND SAY HI TO YOUR FAMILY FOR ME.

[laughs] - WE LOVE YOU, SON.

- I LOVE MY DADS.

[laughter] - WE LOVE YOU!

- WE LOVE THIS GUY.

[overlapping chatter]

[cheerful music]

- I'M DOING IT!

[overlapping chatter]

[all cheering]

♪ ♪

[jazzy music]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[computer beeping]

- STILL NO I.D. ON THAT SUSPECT?

- SURVEILLANCE AND INTEL CAN'T FIND AN IMAGE OF HIM.

HE'S LIKE A GHOST.

- THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE?

YOU ASKED ME TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX.

WELL, YOUR WISH JUST CAME TRUE.

I ASSEMBLED THE BEST CRIMINAL IMAGE RENDER TECHS

IN THE COUNTRY.

- SKETCH ARTISTS?

- DON'T LET THEM HEAR YOU SAY THAT.

- THIS BETTER BE GOOD, FOX.

- RICK...

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

WHOA, RICK! [laughs]

WHAT ARE WE DOING HERE, BUD?

- WELL, I, UH, LOST MY INSPIRATION,

YOU COULD SAY. - YOUR INSPIRATION

IS THE DESCRIBED PERPETRATOR.

- I THINK THIS SHOWS THE INTERNAL CONFLICT

OF THE PERP.

- THAT IS TERRIBLE. - IT'S NOT TERRIBLE, KERI.

I MEAN, HE'SING HIS BEST HERE.

PROBABLY NOT THE BEST IDEA FOR A WANTED POSTER,

BUT CUT HIM SOME SLACK.

- I GOT SOMETHING THAT YOU'RE GONNA LOVE.

- WHAT THE HELL?

CARL, HELP ME OUT HERE BUDDY.

I JUST SAID, "WANTED POSTER,"

AND THIS AIN'T NO WANTED POSTER, PAL.

- WE CAN'T PUT THAT UP ON LAMPPOSTS.

- HE KNOWS THAT, KERI.

HE'S NOT A MORON.

- [whispering] RICK, I GOT TO LEAVE EARLY.

I GOT TO PICK UP A SUIT FOR A WEDDING.

- ALL RIGHT. OKAY, THAT'S FINE.

- YOU WANT SOMETHING YOU CAN REPRODUCE QUICKLY?

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS SHIT.

- THIS GUY'S THE BEST.

- THAT LOOKS LIKE A TREE. - IT'S A MOSAIC.

A THOUSAND TINY PICTURES OF THE PERP.

- CAN ANY OF THOSE PICTURES BE ENLARGED?

- YEAH, I GOT IT RIGHT HERE.

[sniffs]

- I'M GUESSING THAT'S THE ONLY ONE YOU'VE GOT.

- SMART MAN. [laughs]

- WITH A LINED FACE AND A CHESTNUT MOP

ATOP HIS HEAD, THE KILLER STRUCK

IN THE INKWELL MOON OF THE NIGHT.

HE WAS THE SIZE OF A TREE BUT QUICKER THAN THE RAVEN.

I WENT WITH PROSE.

- WELL, YOU'RE GONNA BE FIRED QUICKER THAN THE RAVEN

IF YOU KEEP THAT CRAP UP.

- THESE GUYS ARE IDIOTS. - THEY'RE NOT IDIOTS, KERI.

THEY'RE MY FRIENDS.

- HEY, AM I REALLY FIRED? - NO, OF COURSE NOT.

- [sighs] ARE WE DONE HERE, FOX?

- [clears throat loudly]

- HERB, MAN. WHAT DO YOU GOT?

- OKAY, SO IT'S NOT DONE YET, BUT--

[macaroni clattering]

THE GLUE'S STILL DRYING,

SO IT WILL LOOK DIFFERENT... - MM-HMM.

- WHEN-- - OKAY, CALM DOWN.

THIS IS A GREAT START.

WE'LL CHECK BACK IN ON YOU, UNCLE HERB, OKAY?

- HE'S YOUR UNCLE? - [sighs]

YES. HE NEEDED A JOB, OKAY?

- GUYS, THESE COMPOSITE SKETCHES ARE AWFUL.

all: WHY?

- THINK ABOUT IT.

all: OH, YEAH.

- WELL, WE'RE GOING WITH THE RAVEN POEM.

- YEAH! - ALL RIGHT!

YAY, JASON.

- [laughing] - WAIT.

AREN'T YOU GONNA LOOK AT MINE

WHEN IT'S DRY AND FINISHED?

[jazzy music]

[jazzy music]

[tender music]

♪ ♪

- I'M SORRY IT DIDN'T WORK OUT, UNCLE HERB.

- I GET IT. ARE YOU OKAY?

- NO.

THE SARGE JUST FIRED ME THERE OUT IN THE HALLWAY

IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

SAID I SLEPT MY WAY TO THE TOP OF THE RANKS.

IT WAS-- IT WAS VERY EMBARRASSING.

[chuckles] YEAH.

THAT WAS FUNNY.

- NO.

EAT IT.

[crunching]

[both laughing]

IT POPS.

[light classical music]

- A NEPHEW, HIS UNCLE, AND A PILE OF MACARONI.

THAT'S A FAMILY.

[jazzy music]

[dramatic music]

- WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

TONIGHT, WE'LL BE DISCUSSING ONE OF AMERICA'S

MOST BELOVED CORPORATIONS, COCA-COLA.

AS ANY SODA FAN KNOWS,

THERE ARE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN THE WORLD

THAT KNOW THE SECRET FORMULA TO COKE.

BUT WHAT MIGHT SURPRISE YOU IS THAT THESE TWO

ARE ACTUALLY FORBIDDEN FROM TRAVELING TOGETHER

OR REALLY SPENDING ANY TIME TOGETHER.

IT'S A SAFETY PRECAUTION, BECAUSE IF SOMETHING HAPPENS

TO THESE MEN, WELL, THE FORMULA IS GONE FOREVER.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO TONIGHT'S GUEST,

ONE OF THE GUYS THAT KNOWS

THE SECRET FORMULA FOR COCA-COLA.

THANKS FOR BEING ON THE SHOW. - YEAH, WELL,

THANKS FOR HAVING ME. IT'S VERY NICE OF YOU TO SAY.

HEY, GO, COKE. - ALL RIGHT.

- OOH.

OW! THAT'S A GOOD COKE.

- VERY GOOD.

SO IS IT TRUE ONLY YOU

AND ONE OTHER PERSON KNOWS THE FORMULA?

- UH, YES, THAT IS THE BIG COKE SECRET.

THAT IS THE BIG ONE. MM-HMM.

- AMAZING. AND I'M CURIOUS.

WHERE IS THE OTHER GUY ON A NIGHT LIKE TONIGHT?

- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU ASK HIM?

HE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

[crowd murmuring]

- HEY. - WAIT, WHAT?

- YEAH, I'M THE OTHER COKE GUY. HOW YOU DOING?

- YEAH, THAT'S THAT DUMB, STUPID SON OF A BITCH.

- OH, HO, HO, WATCH IT, YOU LITTLE DIPSHIT.

COME ON. WHAT ARE YOU GUYS UP TO?

- HEY, WE'RE TALKING COKES. COME ON UP.

- OH, YEAH. - YEAH, YOU'D LOVE IT UP HERE.

- ALL RIGHT. - BIT OF A RAPPORT.

- OH, HERE WE GO. - OH, WE GOT A RAPPORT, DAVE.

HOW ARE YA, BUDDY? COME HERE.

- HEY! [laughter]

- I'M SORRY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- OH, HE GAVE ME A RIDE. - YEAH.

WE'RE GOOD FRIENDS, DAVE.

- NO, NO. I--YOU CAN'T BE.

IT'S A SECURITY RISK.

I MEAN, IF THERE'S A FIRE OR A FLOOD

OR THE ROOF COLLAPSES, THAT FORMULA'S GONE, GUYS.

- SHE'S RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,

YOU GUYS DO YOUR TALK SHOW.

I'M GONNA GO CATCH A MOVIE OR SOMETHING.

- GREAT. - WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT MOVIE ARE YOU GONNA GO CATCH?

- I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE AN ACTION MOVIE.

- HE'S GONNA GO SEE A HEART-PUMPING,

ACTION-PACKED FILM.

- HEY, YOU WANT TO GO?

- YES, I DO. VERY MUCH, LET'S GO!

- ALL RIGHT! - HEY, GUYS, GUYS!

YOU CAN'T GO SEE THE MOVIE TOGETHER.

- [groans] - IT'S A SAFETY RISK, OKAY?

YOU THINK THE TWO GUYS THAT KNOW THE FORMULA

FOR PEPSI ARE FRIENDS?

NO.

- YEAH! THEY'RE STANDING RIGHT OVER THERE.

- OH, HO, HO, THERE HE IS.

- WE'RE GOOD FRIENDS.

THEY'RE GREAT FRIENDS.

- SO YOU KNOW THE FORMULA FOR PEPSI?

- YEP. GO, PEPSI.

- OH, NO, NO, NO. - THEY SHOULDN'T BE HERE.

- GO, COKE. - THEY SHOULDN'T BE HERE.

- WHY NOT? THEY CAN BE ANYWHERE THEY WANT.

- WHAT IF SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED?

- SOMETHING HAPPENED TO HIM, I'D WANT TO DIE TOO.

- AW, YEAH. - WE'RE THE SAME WAY.

- SAME WAY. - WE'RE THE SAME WAY.

- HEY, YOU GUYS STILL GOING TO SEE THAT ACTION MOVIE?

- YEAH, YEAH. YOU COMING OR WHAT?

- YEAH, YOU KNOW IT. - AWW!

- OH, THEY'RE COMING IN FAST!

[overlapping chatter]

- GUYS!

YOU CAN'T GO TO THE MOVIES TOGETHER!

- AW, DAVE, WE ALWAYS GO TO THE MOVIES TOGETHER.

- YEAH, 'CAUSE THE TWO OF US IS BEST FRIENDS

WITH THE TWO OF THEM, HUH?

[laughter] WHO'D HAVE THUNK IT, HUH?

- WATCH IT. WATCH OUT FOR THIS GUY.

- DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE FUTURE OF THE WORLD'S COLAS

IS IN YOUR HANDS?

- WHAT ABOUT US?

[crowd murmuring]

[sneakers squeaking]

- WHO ARE YOU?

- WE'RE THE TWO GUYS WHO KNOW

THE SECRET FORMULA FOR TAB.

- WE'RE BROTHERS, YOU KNOW.

[can tabs pop]

[both slurping]

- [groans]

- GO, TAB.

- UH-HUH.

- LOOK, SO COKE AND PEPSI CAN'T AFFORD TO HAVE YOU GUYS

SPENDING SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER, REALLY.

- YEAH, WE SHOULD PROBABLY BE VERY CAREFUL,

FOR IF SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO US,

NOBODY WOULD KNOW HOW TO MAKE TAB COLA.

- RIGHT.

SO JUST FOLLOW THE VERY SIMPLE SAFETY PRECAUTIONS

THAT HAVE BEEN PUT IN FRONT OF--

- NO ACTING-PACKED FILMS FOR US.

- NO, SIR.

FOR IF WE WERE TO DIE, IT WOULD BE A CATASTROPHE.

- A CATASTROPHE TO THE GREATEST DEGREE.

[both slurping]

- WELL, THIS IS GETTING ALL VERY WEIRD, DAVE.

UH, THANKS FOR HAVING US, BUT WE'D LIKE TO LEAVE.

GOOD-BYE. - YEAH.

- THANK YOU. - HAVE A GOOD ONE.

- YEAH, WEIRD SHOW, DAVE. - UH, I--

- HEY. - HEY.

- HEY.

- WHAT?

- DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW

WHAT'S THE SECRET FORMULA FOR TAB?

- OKAY, WHAT IS IT?

- WE CAN'T TELL.

- WE FORGOT.

[light classical music]

- BROTHERS.

- BROTHER?

DON'T WANDER TOO FAR FROM ME, BROTHER.

♪ ♪

[siren wailing, indistinct radio chatter]

[dramatic music]

- SERGEANT DALE MADDOX HERE TO ALERT YOU

TO A SET OF CRIMINALS WHO MAY BE ENDANGERING

YOUR COMMUNITY.

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THIS MAN,

WANTED IN RALEIGH, NORTH CAROLINA,

FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER.

LOOKS LIKE THREE DUCKS TO ME,

BUT I COULD NEVER DO THOSE THINGS.

RESIDENTS OF CONCORD, NORTH CAROLINA,

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR JAKE WEESON,

WANTED FOR GRAND THEFT AUTO

AND FOR SPEEDING IN THAT VERY SAME AUTO.

WRAPPING UP THE WHOLE BUNCH,

RESIDENTS OF SAN ANTONIO,

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR CARL PIELER,

WANTED FOR THREE COUNTS OF MANSLAUGHTER.

THIS IS A DRAWING

OF THE LEAD DETECTIVE IN THE CASE.

IF YOU DO KNOW WHAT CARL PIELER LOOKS LIKE,

PLEASE CONTACT THE MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE THIS PICTURE

AND TELL HIM ALL ABOUT IT.

THIS IS SERGEANT DALE MADDOX, FROM THE DRAWING ROOM.

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND YOUR PENCILS SHARP.

KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND YOUR MEMORY ALERT,

AND ALWAYS BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR CRIMINALS,

AND ALWAYS SHARE THAT INFORMATION

WITH YOUR LOCAL POLICE

OR A DIFFERENT AUTHORITY

WHO HAS GOOD CONNECTIONS WITH THEM.

[jazzy music]

[jazzy music]

[dramatic music]

- [sighs]

[sighs] [knock at door]

- STEVEN, AREN'T YOU GONNA COME DOWN?

YOUR DATE COULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

- ISN'T IT OBVIOUS, DAD?

SHE'S NOT COMING.

- OH.

- MY LIFE IS OVER.

[cheerful synthesizer music]

♪ ♪

DAD?

- I KNOW I'M NO SARAH HANSON,

BUT NO SON OF MINE GETS STOOD UP

TO THE BIG DANCE.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

- WELL, YOU CAN START BY TELLING ME HOW I LOOK.

HUH?

- YOU LOOK...

GREAT.

- AND YOU DON'T LOOK TOO BAD YOURSELF.

- HEY, COME ON.

KNOCK IT OFF.

MY DAD'S GONNA HEAR US.

- [laughs] GOOD ONE, SON.

NOW LET'S GO TO THAT DANCE.

- DAD, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO--

- STEVEN, WHAT HAVE I ALWAYS SAID TO YOU, SON?

WHEN THE GLENNS DO SOMETHING, THEY GO ALL THE WAY.

- AFTER YOU. - THANK YOU.

- ♪ MILES AWAY FROM NOWHERE ♪

♪ I'M A STRANGER TO THIS LAND ♪

[muffled music playing]

- WHOA, CHECK IT OUT.

♪ ♪

- STUDENTS,

DISTANCE, PLEASE.

- [laughs]

- PSST, HEY.

PSST, STEVEN, WHO'S THE CHICK?

- SHE DOESN'T GO HERE.

- LET ME DANCE WITH HER. - NO.

- LET ME DANCE WITH HER,

OR I'M GONNA GLUE YOUR FRICKIN' EYELIDS

TO THE CEILING.

- OKAY, OKAY. GOD, CRAIG.

- [huffs, sniffs]

'SCUSE ME. MIND IF I CUT IN?

- CRAIG DOLAND?

STEVEN, DO YOU MIND?

- WHAT? - [gasping]

- IS THAT YOUR DAD?

- UH, NO.

YEAH. I DON'T KNOW.

- SHE'S HOT.

- HEY.

DAD?

- OH, HI, STEVEN.

CRAIG AND I WERE ABOUT TO STEP OUTSIDE

AND CATCH A BREATH OF FRESH AIR.

I THINK HE HAS CIGARETTES. [giggles]

- NO--

- ♪ ALL ALONE I'M DANCING ♪

♪ IN THE SHADOW ♪

- [sniffles]

[knock at door]

- STEVEN?

- GO AWAY.

- I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

- FORGET IT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO TALK TO CRAIG DOLAND?

- PLEASE.

I MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

I--

[crying]

- LOOK, I'M TIRED--

DAD?

ARE YOU OKAY?

- I MESSED UP.

- LOOK, I-IT'S FINE. I'VE BEEN DITCHED BEFORE.

I DON'T WANT THE APOLOGIES, OKAY?

I'VE HEARD 'EM BEFORE. - YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO ME.

- LET'S JUST ACT LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED.

- I'M SCARED. - I'M A LOSER.

I'LL ALWAYS BE A LOSER. - IT'S BIGGER THAN THAT.

- AND THERE'S NOTHING THAT I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

- HE FINGERED ME, OKAY?

CRAIG DOLAND FINGERED ME.

GO AHEAD.

CALL ME A WHORE, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

[sobbing]

- NO.

I WON'T.

[soft synthesizer music]

I'M SO SORRY, DAD.

JUST KNOW THAT IT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING

BETWEEN US, OKAY?

'CAUSE YOU'RE STILL MY DAD,

AND I'M STILL YOUR SON,

AND CRAIG DOLAND OR ANY OTHER GUY FINGERING YOU

CAN'T CHANGE THAT.

- REALLY?

- YEAH.

NOW, KEEP IT DOWN.

MY DAD'S GONNA HEAR US.

[rock music]

DAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- GLENNS GO ALL THE WAY.

♪ ♪

- WHOA, WHOA!

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

L--KNOCK IT OFF!

I WAS TRYING TO MAKE A NICE POINT

ABOUT NEW FAMILIES AND BEING OPEN-MINDED.

NOT INCEST, OKAY?

THAT'S YOUR GODDAMN DAD.

JESUS CHRIST.

FORGET IT. FORGET THE WHOLE THING.

[jazzy music]

[jazzy music]

- HEY, YOU WANT SOME PEPSI?

SURE YOU DON'T WANT ANY PEPSI? - I DON'T WANT ANY.

- COME ON, HEY. GIVE ME THAT POPCORN.

- DON'T GET MAD AT ME. - AW, TAKE A SIP.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS, DAVE. - I'M FINE.

HEY, SHH, SHH!

- HEY.

- WE'RE HERE TOO.

- OH, BROTHER, I AM HAVING SUCH FUN HERE

AT THE MOVIE CINEMA.

- YES, BUT THE THRILLS OF THE SILVER SCREEN

ARE NO MATCH FOR THE DANGER THAT LIES

ABOVE OUR VERY HEADS.

- FOR THE CEILING COULD COLLAPSE AT ANY MOMENT.

- THAT IS THE GREATEST DANGER OF ALL.

- SHH. JUST WATCH THE MOVIE.

[sirens wailing]

- WE'VE BEEN SHUSHED. [tires screech]

- I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WE WERE SHUSHED.

- EXCUSE ME.

- YES?

- I OVERHEARD YOU TALKING.

YOU SOUND VERY IMPORTANT.

ARE YOU? - INDEED, WE ARE,

FOR WE ARE THE KEEPERS OF THE SECRET

OF THE FORMULA OF TAB COLA.

- DEAR ME.

THE CEILING!

IF IT COLLAPSES, YOU'D BE KILLED!

- THAT IS OUR VERY WORRY.

- ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY JUST CALM DOWN.

THE CEILING ISN'T GONNA COLLAPSE, OKAY?

THAT'S COMPLETELY CR-- [low rumble]

- WHOA. - OH! OH, MY--

- BROTHER, THE GROUND IS SHAKING.

[rumbling stops]

- [exhales] - [whimpers]

[rapid gunfire]

- [shuddering]

- MY BROTHER IS DEAD.

I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS THE FORMULA.

[shrieking]

- OH, MY GOD, THEY'RE-- OH, THEY'RE BOTH DEAD.

OHH.

- LET'S GO.

[rapid gunfire]

OOH, OOH, AH, OH, HEY, WHOA.

- ARE YOU OKAY? - NO, I STUBBED MY TOE.

- ARE YOU HURT? - YEAH, I'M VERY HURT.

[overlapping chatter]

- THIS IS WHY YOU CAN'T GO TO THE MOVIES.

- DAVE, I DON'T NEED TO HEAR IT RIGHT NOW.

MY TOE IS HURTING ME SO BAD.

- YEAH. - AAH!