Original subtitles

- SO I TELL HER, "GET ME A NEW SET OF CLUBS, RIGHT?"

- YEAH. - YOU KNOW WHAT SHE GETS ME?

ANOTHER WATCH. - AW!

- [laughs] - WELL, WE'RE SCREWED.

IF FIELDER AND GRAY CAN'T DIG ITSELF

OUT OF THIS FINANCIAL CRISIS,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FILE FOR CLASS-B BANKRUPTCY.

- I DON'T GET IT.

- WE BORROWED EQUITY AGAINST A LOW A.P.A.,

AND NOW WE DON'T HAVE THE FUNDS TO PAY BACK

THE IRA LOAN-OUTS WE ACCRUED.

DO YOU GET IT NOW, TASKER? - NO, I KNOW.

WHY DON'T WE JUST EXPAND OUR PAYOUT RATIO?

- IF YOU THINK NASDAQ ISN'T GONNA RED FLAG US FOR THAT,

YOU'RE NUTTIER THAN GRANDMA'S CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE.

- GIVE ME A BREAK, FRANKLIN.

I'M ONLY A FIRST-YEAR BROKER WITH A FINANCE CPA, GAH!

- OH, DON'T WORRY, TASKER. WE CAN TELL.

- YO, GUYS, WE COULD ALWAYS FREEZE

OUR QUARTER MARKET VALUE FOR THE TIME BEING.

- YEAH, BUT THAT WOULD ONLY INFLATE OUR G.T.C. ORDER AND...

all: DECREASE THE INTRINSIC VALUE OF OUR INVESTMENT CAPITAL,

LEAVING AN UNCHECKED DEFICIT IN OUTUAL STOCK OPTIONS.

- DAMN IT!

- ALL WE GOTTA DO IS SWITCH THE BIDS

AND PRICE LIMIT ORDERS BY THE THIRD QUARTER.

ALTHOUGH THAT WOULD DRIVE THE OPEN-ENDED SECURITIES WAY DOWN.

DAMN IT!

- GUYS, WE'LL JUST RUN THE BUSINESS TRUST

THROUGH A CAPITAL GAINS CLIENT ORDER.

- BUSINESS TRUST THROUGH A CAPITAL GAINS CLIENT ORDER?

TASKER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- YEAH, WHAT DID YOU DO?

JUST LOOK UP A BUNCH OF STOCK TERMS

AND STRING 'EM INTO A SENTENCE?

[laughter]

- CONFERENCE ROOM, NOW!

- ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS UNDERWRITE OUR HEDGE ASSETS

BEFORE THE NEXT TRADING SESSION, AND WE'RE GOLDEN.

- BEFORE THE NEXT TRADING SESSION?

THAT'S ILLEGAL.

AND WORSE, IT'S IMMORAL.

[laughter]

- TASKER, YOU REALLY ARE A FIRST-YEAR BROKER

WITH A FINANCE CPA. [laughter]

RELAX, PAL. THIS IS HOW THE WORLD WORKS.

[laughter]

- HI, FOLKS. I'M MIKE HANFORD.

I THINK WE MADE OUR POINT HERE, RIGHT?

WALL STREET. WHAT A MESS.

- HERE'S WHAT WE'D LIKE TO SAY

TO THOSE FAT CATS DOWN ON MADISON AVENUE.

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

YOU GOT TOO MANY TERMS, OKAY?

TOO MANY COMPLICATED TERMS. - YEAH.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE MAKING US LOOK AND FEEL LIKE IDIOTS.

SO SIMPLIFY IT, WALL STREET. GOT IT?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- AH. GOOD EVENING, FOLKS.

I WANTED TO TAKE A MOMENT TO CLARIFY SOMETHING

BEFORE WE MOVE ON.

THE "SKEWERED" STAMP

THAT YOU SAW SLAM ONTO THE SCREEN A MOMENT AGO

WAS USED TO INDICATE THAT THE AFOREMENTIONED TOPIC

HAS BEEN SATIRIZED COMPLETELY.

THERE IS NOTHING LEFT TO SATIRIZE ABOUT IT.

IT'S DONE. IT'S OVER.

NOW, THE WORD "SKEWERED" IS SOMETIMES USED

IN BARBECUE PARLANCE TO REFER TO PUNCTURED

OR STUCK FOODSTUFFS.

BUT ON THIS PROGRAM, WE USE THE WORD TO REFER TO SUBJECTS

THAT HAVE BEEN SHOT CLEAN THROUGH

WITH AN ARROW OF SCRUTINY

AND ROASTED OVER FLAMES OF HUMOR AND TRUTH.

ALL RIGHT?

AND LET'S KEEP DOING THE SHOW NOW.

[sizzling]

- THIS WAS IT.

AFTER THREE LONG DAYS OF TESTIMO

WITH WITNESS AFTER WITNESS

CLAIMING I'D KILLED MY BELOVED RUTHIE MAY,

IT SEEMED MY TRIAL HAD REACHED ITS BOILING POINT.

- ORDER! ORDER!

- WELL, THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.

I BELIEVE IT'S QUITE CLEAR TO US ALL

THAT WE HAVE REACHED A STALEMATE HERE TODAY.

NOW, IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF CONTRADICTORY TESTIMONY.

NO, THAT AIN'T IT.

AND IT IS NOT BECAUSE OF A LACK OF EVIDENCE.

HECK, WE GOT A MOUNTAIN OF THE STUFF.

- YEP. - MM-HMM.

- BUT IT IS BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT THIS HERE COURTROOM

IS TOO DAMN SWEATY!

[overlapping chatter]

HERE WE ARE TRYING TO UPHOLD THE LAW,

AND EVERY TIME WE TRY TO SPEAK,

WE GOT TO DEAL WITH THE STICKY AND THE SALTY,

THE DRIPPING AND THE BEADING,

THE SLIPPING AND THE SLIDING,

THE SLISHING AND THE SLOSHING!

[overlapping chatter]

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS?

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I WOULD LIKE TO CALL YOUR ATTENTION

TO THE THERMOMETER ON THE WALL.

[indistinct chatter, all gasp]

- MR. PEPPERWATER,

CAN YOU SEE THE THERMOMETER THAT I'M SPEAKING OF?

- I CAN, YES.

- WELL, THAT'S REAL GOOD.

WOULD YOU MIND READING IT FOR US?

- 104 DEGREES!

- 104 FAHRENHEIT DEGREES.

THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A HIGH TEMPERATURE,

AND I BELIEVE THAT AS A RESULT OF THIS TEMPERATURE,

THE COURTROOM HAS BECOME VERY, VERY SWEATY!

THANK YOU!

[indistinct chatter, gavel banging]

- AMEN! - OH, EXCELLENT.

NOW, DEFENSE, YOU MAY PROCEED.

- THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M DAZZLED.

I AM IMPRESSED AND ENTERTAINED BY THE LITTLE SHOW

THAT THE PROSECUTOR'S BEEN PUTTING ON.

AND THAT'S ALL IT IS.

IT'S A SHOW. DON'T BE FOOLED.

SURE, HE'LL GET US ALL EXCITED

AND WOW US WITH FANCY TALK

OF THERMOMETERS AND FAHRENHEIT AND DEGREES,

BUT WHAT HE WON'T TALK ABOUT IS WHY, DEAR GOD,

WHY ARE WE ALL WEARING SUCH HOT CLOTHING?

[all gasp]

- I LOOK AROUND THIS COURTROOM TODAY, AND I SEE NYLON.

I SEE RAYON, I SEE SATIN AND POLYESTER.

I THINK IF WE LOOK IN THE MIRROR,

WE MIGHT FIND THAT MAYBE,

JUST MAYBE, WE ARE ALL TO BLAME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- YES. - YES, MM-HMM.

- YOUR HONOR, AS THE STENOGRAPHER IN THIS CASE,

I REALLY OUGHT TO REMAIN IMPARTIAL.

BUT WHAT TROUBLES ME IS WHY,

WHEN WE TOOK A BRIEF RECESS FOR LUNCH EARLIER,

DID WE ALL EAT SUCH SPICY FOODS?

[all murmuring]

YOU YOURSELF, YOUR HONOR,

HAD A BOWL OF CHILI THAT WAS NOT ONE,

NOT TWO, NOT THREE, NOT FOUR, BUT FIVE ALARMS!

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE COURT,

I'VE STAYED SILENT LONG ENOUGH.

AS THE DEFENDANT IN THIS TRIAL,

I'D LIKE TO PRESENT EXHIBIT A.

[all murmuring] SPICY PICANTE SAUCE.

SPICY PICANTE SAUCE HAS NO PLACE ON TOP OF CHILI

THAT IS ALREADY OF THE FIVE-ALARM PERSUASION.

- AND WHAT ABOUT OUR AFTER LUNCH DRINKS?

HOT TODDIES, SPICY SARSAPARILLA.

all: OH!

- PEPPERMINT PUNCH. all: OH!

- I--OOH.

[all gasp]

- SHE DIED!

[overlapping shouting]

[shouting and gavel banging continue]

- ORDER IN THIS COURT!

NOW IT APPEARS THAT, IN MY SWEATY STATE,

I HAVE LOST TRACK OF PROPER COURTROOM PROCEDURE.

IT IS QUITE UNCOMMON TO ALLOW COMMENTS FROM BOTH LAWYERS,

THE STENOGRAPHER, THE DEFENDANT,

AND THE SWEATY LADY FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM.

LET'S TRY TO GET BACK ON TRACK, SHALL WE?

MR. MERRIWEATHER, FOREMAN OF THE JURY,

WOULD YOU LIKE TO ADJOURN, READJUDICATE,

AND RETURN WITH A VERDICT?

- NO DELIBERATION TIME WILL BE NECESSARY, YOUR HONOR.

WE THE JURY FIND THIS COURTROOM TO BE TOO SWEATY.

- YEAH!

- WITH THE STICKING AND THE SALTING,

THE SLIPPING AND THE SLOSHING.

- ALL RIGHT, I APPRECIATE THE SENTIMENT.

I MEANT A VERDICT IN THE TRIAL.

- OH, YEAH, WE FIND THE DEFENDANT GUILTY OF MURDER.

- AH. DEFENDANT IS HEREBY SENTENCED TO DEATH.

THIS COURTROOM IS ADJOURNED.

[soft rock music]

- SO DID I TELL YOU WHAT I BOUGHT THE OTHER DAY?

- NO, WHAT? - A HARP.

- THAT'S FANTASTIC. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU PLAYED.

- I DO, AND I'LL TELL YOU,

THIS ONE HAS A REALLY GREAT SOUND TO IT.

- REALLY? [chuckles]

- WELL, ANYWAY, I GOTTA GET GOING.

SEE YOU LATER, BRO.

- HAVE A GOOD ONE.

WOW, A HARP.

I WONDER WHAT THAT WOULD SOUND LIKE.

[dreamy harp music]

♪ ♪

YEAH.

- AND NOW THEY'RE ATTACKING REPUBLICAN CONGRESSMEN.

- THE REPUBLICAN AGENDA IS UNPOPULAR

EVEN AMONG REPUBLICANS.

- THESE LIBERALS THINK YOUR MONEY BELONGS TO THEM.

- THE CONSERVATIVES CHOOSE TO TREAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

LIKE CHILDREN.

- OUR NEXT GUEST IS A LIBERAL ACTIVIST.

- SO-CALLED POPULAR REPUBLICAN-- - LIBERALS--

- CONSERVATIVES-- - LIBEROCRATS--

- IT WOULD BE NICE TO HEAR SOMETHING

FROM THIS ADMINISTRATION THAT WASN'T COMPLETE B.S.,

BUT MAYBE THAT'S JUST ME.

- IS A HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA THE ONLY THING YOU NEED

TO JOIN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY THESE DAYS?

- CHECK YOUR FACTS.

- THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND I

IS THAT I AM RIGHT, AND YOU ARE WRONG.

- WRONG. CUT HIS MIC. - HE'S WRONG.

- WR-WR-WRONG.

- WHY DON'T YOU CHECK YOUR OWN NOTES?

BECAUSE YOU MAY FIND THEY'RE WRONG.

- YOU'RE WRONG, YOU'RE WRONG.

- YOU'RE WRONG! - I'LL SHOUT IT OUT ALL I WANT.

I'LL SHOUT IT OUT ALL DAY

BECAUSE IT'S MY SHOW, AND YOU'RE WRONG.

- YOU'RE WRONG!

- I THINK WE MADE OUR POINT, RIGHT?

YOU TURN ON THE TV THESE DAYS,

AND YOU'RE BOMBARDED WITH THIS CRAP.

- TV CHANNELS. THERE'S TOO MANY OF 'EM.

- WE'D LOVE TO WATCH 'EM ALL,

BUT WE'RE JUST SO CONFUSED WITH THE ABUNDANCE OF PROGRAMMING.

- SO, CABLE PROVIDERS, CLEAN IT UP.

ORGANIZE YOUR DIAL...

all: AND MAKE IT EASIER FOR US

TO ENJOY YOUR WONDERFUL CHANNELS.

[heroic music]

♪ ♪

- FLIGHT.

SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME, MAN HAS DREAMED OF IT,

AND IN 1903, BROTHERS ORVILLE AND WILBUR WRIGHT MADE IT SO.

OF COURSE, BEFORE THE WRIGHT BROTHERS' HISTORIC SUCCESS,

THERE WERE MANY FAILED ATTEMPTS TO TAKE TO THE SKIES.

A RACE TO FLY HAD SWEPT THE NATION.

[whimsical music and sound effects]

♪ ♪

DID THAT ONE GUY FLY?

PLAY THAT BACK. REWIND THAT.

♪ ♪

HOLY SHIT. THAT GUY'S FLYING.

LOOK AT HIM GO.

- RIDICULOUS. - NOT REALLY.

LOOK, PLAY IT AGAIN, BUT TURN THOSE SOUND EFFECTS OFF.

- BUT THEN IT WON'T BE FUNNY.

- I DON'T WANT IT TO BE FUNNY, ANGELO.

AH, THIS IS AMAZING.

TOO BAD IT'S SUCH A SHORT CLIP.

- WELL, THERE'S MORE TO IT. I CUT IT DOWN.

THE ORIGINAL FOOTAGE IS RIGHT HERE.

- MAN, I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO HEAR WHAT HE SAID JUST THERE.

- WELL, LET ME TURN THE AUDIO BACK ON.

- I'M FLYING!

IT'S ACTUALLY VERY EASY.

OOH, MY SHOE!

- MY GOD.

THIS GUY FLEW BEFORE THE WRIGHT BROTHERS, ANGELO.

FOR THREE YEARS, I'VE THOUGHT OF NOTHING

BUT THE PIONEERS OF AVIATION,

BUT I NEVER REALLY UNDERSTOOD.

I GOTTA RETHINK THE WHOLE SHOW.

THE PIONEER OF AVIATION WITH ME, WALLACE HAMPTONS.

FLIGHT.

THE FIRST GUY TO DO IT WAS IN A WEIRD,

UMBRELLA-LOOKING MACHINE.

PROOF IS EASILY FOUND IN THIS LOST FILM FOOTAGE

THAT WE CAN ALL WATCH NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME

WITHOUT A BUNCH OF BOINGS AND SPROINGS ALL OVER IT.

TAKE A LOOK.

[heroic music]

HIS NAME WAS PIP DENNY,

AND THE RECENT DISCOVERY OF HIS ACHIEVEMENT

HAS SENT SHOCKWAVES THROUGH THE AVIATION WORLD.

- OOH, MY SHOE!

- I SAT DOWN WITH THE WRIGHT BROTHERS' GREAT-GRANDSONS

TO HEAR THEIR TAKE ON THE PIP DENNY FILM.

- PIP DENNY. - [laughs]

- NO, NO, NO. I HEARD OF HIM.

THAT LITTLE WEENIE DIDN'T PIONEER SHIT.

- NO, I DON'T THINK SO. LOOK, LOOK.

OUR GREAT-GRANDDADS DID THE FIRST FLIGHT,

AND THAT'S THAT.

- OH, BUT WE HAVE FOO-- - NO, NO!

THAT IS THAT.

- WE HAVE FOOTAGE THAT CLEARLY SHOWS PIP FLYING.

- OH, DO YOU? - [laughs]

- OH, VERY GOOD. I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU.

- CONGRATULATIONS.

- AND IT WAS IN 1902,

A FULL YEAR BEFORE YOUR GREAT-GRANDFATHERS.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? LOOK, KID.

I SEEM TO REMEMBER A LITTLE SOMETHING

ABOUT A CERTAIN SHOE FALLING OFF.

AM I MISTAKEN? - NO, NO, NO.

THAT DOES SEEM TO RING A PARTICULAR BELL.

BUT IT SEEMS LIKE ONE WOULD HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME

REVOLUTIONIZING AIR TRAVEL

WITH EVERYONE'S SHOES FALLING OFF ALL OVER THE PLACE.

DOES IT NOT? - IT SEEMS LIKE IT TO ME.

- YES, IT DOES.

- NOW LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER, OKAY?

GET THAT OUT OF MY FACE.

- I HAD A FEELING PIP DENNY'S GREAT-GRANDSONS

MIGHT HAVE A DIFFERENT TAKE ON THE MATTER.

- LISTEN TO THIS.

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT I HAVE FOUND FOOTAGE

OF YOUR GREAT-GRANDFATHER FLYING?

- YEAH, WE SEEN IT.

- YEAH.

- YOU'VE SEEN IT? - [laughs]

IT WAS FUNNY WITH THE BOING AND SPROING SOUNDS.

- ALL RIGHT, FELLOWS.

LET'S NOT WORRY ABOUT THE SOUND EFFECTS, OKAY?

LET'S THINK ABOUT THE FLYING. HE FLEW.

- YEAH, BUT HIS SHOE FELL OFF.

- YEAH, HIS SHOE FELL OFF.

- DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIS SHOE. THINK ABOUT HIS LEGACY.

OKAY?

HE HAS A LEGACY, AND YOU GUYS SHOULD BE RICH, RIGHT?

- WE LIKE THE FUNNY SOUND EFFECTS.

- HA, YEAH.

[both laughing]

- THIS INTERVIEW'S OVER.

I FINALLY TRACKED DOWN THE MAN HIMSELF,

STILL ALIVE AT 131 YEARS OLD.

SURELY, HE WOULD BE UPSET

ABOUT HAVING HIS PLACE IN HISTORY STOLEN.

- YEAH, IT HURTS MAYBE THAT I FLEW FIRST.

BUT IF I MADE EVEN ONE PERSON LAUGH

WITH THE FUNNY BOING SOUND, THEN...

THAT'S JUST AS IMPORTANT.

- [shouting] AS IMPORTANT AS INVENTING FLIGHT?

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I THINK?

I THINK THAT THOSE WRIGHT BROTHERS

INVENTED THE SOUND EFFECTS-- [boing]

THE BOINGS AND SPROINGS-- TO DISCREDIT THE AVIATORS

THAT THEY WERE COMPETING WITH.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? [splashing with footsteps]

I THINK THESE EDITORS-- ANGELO CICCONI OVER HERE--

[honk] THIS GUY,

I THINK THAT HE IS JUST A LITTLE TOO EAGER

TO PLAY ALONG, DON'T YOU THINK? [boing]

BOTTOM LINE, I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE

THAT HISTORY IS VERY DIFFICULT TO DOCUMENT.

[whimsical sound effects]

- [laughs]

- TURN THAT SHIT OFF!

[boing]

[soft rock music]

- THOSE ARE SOME NICE GLASSES YOU GOT THERE.

- OH, THANKS. NEW FRAMES.

- DO YOU ALWAYS WEAR GLASSES?

- EITHER GLASSES OR CONTACTS.

WITHOUT THEM, MY VISION'S PRETTY BAD.

- IT IS?

- YEAH. EVERYTHING LOOKS ALL BLURRY.

ANYWAY, I GOTTA GO. SEE YA.

- SEE YA.

WOW. EVERYTHING LOOKS ALL BLURRY.

I WONDER WHAT THAT WOULD LOOK LIKE.

YEAH.

[heroic music]

[sproing]

- FUNNY, RIGHT?

ANGELO CICCONI PERFECTED ITS USE AS COMIC ACCENT.

BEFORE ANGELO'S PIONEERING WORK,

A MONTAGE EDITOR HAD BUT ONE SOUND

WITH WHICH TO DELIGHT.

AN OVERUSED, UNFUNNY THUD.

[thud]

[thud]

[thud]

BUT WITH ANGELO'S DISCOVERY RIGHT HERE IN THIS SOUND ROOM,

A RACE TO SPROING HAD SWEPT THE NATION.

[whimsical music and sound effects]

[sproing]

[sproing]

[sproing, boing]

[laughs] GREAT, ISN'T IT?

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT HE INVENTED THAT

RIGHT HERE IN THIS VERY SOUND ROOM?

NOW, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TOUCH THIS STUFF,

BUT I'M THE CURATOR HERE, SO I GOTTA DO IT.

[sproing]

[laughs]

[boing] [laughs]

- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TOUCH ANY OF THIS STUFF, YOU KNOW?

- SORRY. I WORK HERE. I WON'T TOUCH IT AGAIN.

- UH, YEAH, DON'T. MAKE SURE YOU DON'T.

[cowbell, horn]

- [laughing]

ANGELO.

[laughing]

ANGELO CICCONI...

WHAT A LEGEND. OH, GOD.

- MMM.

- THESE LOOK REALLY GOOD.

SO MUCH OF THIS STUFF LOOKS SO GOOD.

- THEY HAVE A GREAT GRILL HERE.

- THEY DO? - I'VE NEVER HAD--

- HEY, GUYS. ARE YOU READY TO ORDER?

- UH, YEAH, I'LL HAVE A DOZEN BUFFALO WINGS.

- OKAY. AND HOW HOT DO YOU WANT THOSE WINGS?

THEY COME IN MILD, MEDIUM,

AND "OOH, MAMA, CALL THE DOCTOR."

[laughter]

- ARE THOSE HOT, THE "OOH, MAMA" ONES?

- OH, THEY'RE VERY HOT.

YOU SEE, THE IDEA IS THAT THEY'RE SO HOT,

YOU'RE GONNA NEED YOUR MOM TO CALL THE DOCTOR

TO TEND TO YOUR BURNT UP LIPS, TONGUE, TEETH, AND GUMS.

- WHOA! TOO HOT FOR ME.

I'LL JUST HAVE THE MEDIUM. - OKAY!

- NOW, I THINK I'M GONNA GO WITH THE JALAPENO POPPERS.

UH, WHAT ARE THE FLAVORS ON THOSE POPPERS?

- THOSE COME IN MILD, MEDIUM, AND "NO. NO, NO!

NO, PLEASE, NO!"

- WHAT'S THAT?

LIKE, THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA BE SAYING

WHEN THE POPPERS COME TO THE TABLE?

LIKE, AS IF THE FOOD THAT I'VE ORDERED IS SO SPICY

THAT AFTER I TAKE A BITE,

I'M GONNA BE PLEADING WITH THOSE AROUND ME

NOT TO FORCE ME TO HAVE ANOTHER BITE?

AS IF THE HEAT OF MY FOOD IS COMPARABLE TO TORTURE?

- WELL, THAT'S THE IDEA. [laughter]

- WELL, THEN I'M GONNA SAY, "NO. OH, NO!

PLEASE, NO!" TO THAT LAST ONE.

SOUNDS A LITTLE SPICY. I'M GONNA GO MILD.

- GREAT! AND YOU, SIR?

- I THINK I'M GOING WITH THE SOUTHWEST WING SLINGERS.

- OKAY, GREAT.

NOW, DO YOU REMEMBER THE FLAVORS I LISTED

WHEN I MENTIONED THE WING SLINGERS

IN THE SPECIALS TONIGHT?

THAT'S OKAY.

THEY COME IN MILD, MEDIUM,

AND "OH, BABY, CALL THE FUNNY FARM

'CAUSE I MUST BE CRAZY TO ORDER THESE!"

[laughter]

- YEAH. I'LL GO WITH THOSE.

- HI, FOLKS.

I THINK WE MADE OUR POINT HERE, RIGHT?

RESTAURANTS.

I MEAN, THESE PLACES ARE GETTING A LITTLE BIT VERBOSE,

AND QUITE FRANKLY, RECKLESS WITH THEIR ADVERTISING FLAVORS,

AND, UH... WE'VE HAD ENOUGH.

[clatter] - OH, BOY. PSST!

DARREN, I KNOCKED OVER A BUNCH OF SAUCES IN THE KITCHEN.

THERE'S A BIG MESS EVERYWHERE.

- WELL, WHAT DID YOU KNOCK OVER?

- AND...

YOU SEE, FOR THE SWEET, COOL RELIEF

FROM THOSE OVERLY, WAY OVERLY SPICY WINGS.

HOLY SHIT.

- ALL RIGHT. WELL, GO TAKE CARE OF THAT.

HEY, GUYS, WE GOTTA CLEAN UP A MESS REALLY QUICK,

BUT DON'T WORRY.

EVERYONE'S GETTING A FREE BASKET OF TERIYAKI WINGS.

NOW, HOW DO YOU WANT THOSE TO COME?

MILD, MEDIUM, OR "LOOK, LADY,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,

BUT THESE ARE TOO HOT! I GOTTA GO!"

all: "LOOK, LADY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,

BUT THESE ARE WAY TOO HOT! I GOTTA GO!"

- NOW, WAS ALL THAT REALLY NECESSARY?

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. [bell rings]

THAT'S ENOUGH OF THE SKEWERING. YOU KNOW WHAT?

- [blows raspberry]

- SOMEBODY OUGHT TO SKEWER YOU, YOU PUNKS.

- [gasps] NO.

- SKEWERED.

- UH, WHO WAS THE FIRST PERSON, UH,

TO FLY A, DUH--A, DUH, PLANE? - SKEWERED.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WALL STREET'S WORDS. DUH!

I'M BLURRY. - SKEWERED.

- THAT'S COMEDY?

HOT WINGS ARE HOT!

DUH! DUH!

DUH! DUH!

- SKEWERED.

- DID YOU THINK YOU'D GET AWAY WITH THAT?

- [sighs]

[soft rock music]

- OH, HEY. YOU KNOW...

I MEANT TO TELL YOU I HEARD THERE WAS A GUY

WHO INVENTED A WORKING FLYING MACHINE

BEFORE THE WRIGHT BROTHERS.

- OH, WOW. - YEAH.

AND THEN YEARS LATER,

AFTER SOME TV SHOW EXPOSED THE TRUTH,

HIS WEIRD, UMBRELLA-LIKE MACHINE

ACTUALLY CAUGHT ON AND BECAME A POPULAR WAY TO TRAVEL.

- HMM.

- WELL, I GOTTA GO. - OH, OKAY.

WOW.

A WEIRD, UMBRELLA-LIKE MACHINE CATCHING ON

AND BECOMING A POPULAR WAY TO TRAVEL.

I WONDER WHAT THAT WOULD BE LIKE.

[dreamy harp music]

[soft music]

♪ ♪

[thudding]

- TRAVEL CONSIDERATIONS PROVIDED BY...

- THIS IS OUR AIRLINE. SORRY ABOUT YOUR SHOES.

- YEAH. AND SORRY IF YOUR SOCKS GET WET.

[thud]

- WHAT?

OH, YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE FIRST TIME I FLEWED?

WELL, I LOST MY SHOE.

IT WAS A BROWN SHOE WITH STITCHING MADE OUT OF GOLD

AND THE LACES HAD NO NIBS ON 'EM.

I BELIEVE THAT SOME CHILDREN TOOK IT,

AND THEY THREW IT IN THE RIVER

AND THAT THE FISH ARE LIVING IN IT.

IF YOU GO LOOKING FOR IT WITH SONAR

OR GET SOME EQUIPMENT, LIKE IN THE MOVIE TITANIC,

THEY COULD MAYBE FIND THAT SHOE AND MAKE A FILM ABOUT THAT.

THAT WOULD BE A REAL MOVIE. - MM-HMM.

- [growling] - YOU OKAY?

- WHY IS HE SO MAD AT ME?

- I DON'T KNOW. HE'S GOT A MAD FACE.

- THAT MAN MADE A MAD FACE.

- HE'S GOT A MAD FACE. FIX YOUR FACE.

- FIX YOUR FACE.

[classical music]

♪ ♪