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1
00:00:01,768 --> 00:00:03,468
- ZOOK WAS A NORMAL KID.
2
00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:04,771
I WENT TO AMISH SCHOOL WITH HIM.
3
00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:08,242
BUT WE GOT UP TO ABOUT 18,
FORGET ABOUT IT.
4
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:10,442
HE JUST SHOT TO THE TOP
OF THE GAME, YOU KNOW?
5
00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:11,714
[imitates explosion]
6
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:12,712
- NO ONE WAS AS HUMBLE.
7
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:13,713
NO ONE USED LESS ELECTRICITY.
8
00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:15,384
NO ONE USED LESS TECHNOLOGY.
9
00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:16,783
I MEAN, IF YOU SAW
HOW LITTLE TECHNOLOGY
10
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:19,224
THIS GUY USED,
IT WAS RIDICULOUS.
11
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,720
- ZOOK, CRAZY AMISH, OKAY?
12
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:24,361
NO ONE HAS HAD
FEWER GRAVEN IMAGES
13
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,128
MADE OF HIMSELF,
I CAN TELL YOU THAT.
14
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:27,457
- WE ALL TRY TO BE AMISH
AROUND HERE,
15
00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:29,531
BUT ZOOK WAS
OFF-THE-CHARTS AMISH.
16
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,660
THIS IS THE SPECTRUM.
I'M HERE.
17
00:00:31,665 --> 00:00:33,125
YOU KNOW, MY DAD'S HERE.
18
00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:36,744
ZOOK WAS--YOU DON'T EVEN SEE
HIM, HE'S SO OFF THE CHARTS.
19
00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:38,567
- HIS BEARD WAS FULL
20
00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,372
BUT WITH NO MUSTACHE,
21
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,635
AND I NEVER SAW HIM SHAVE.
22
00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:44,243
- HE RAISED A BARN BY HIMSELF.
23
00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:46,475
[whistles]
- HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
24
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:49,150
- HOW'D HE DO IT?
WELL...
25
00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:53,794
- LOOK, YEAH.
I DID STEROIDS, OKAY?
26
00:00:53,788 --> 00:00:57,218
YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THIS
WITHOUT A LITTLE EXTRA HELP.
27
00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,364
- THERE'S NO WAY WE COULD'VE
KNOWN ZOOK WAS 'ROIDED UP.
28
00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:02,491
I'D NEVER HEARD OF IT.
WE DON'T USE THAT STUFF.
29
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,826
- SURE, HE RAISED BARNS
SINGLE-HANDEDLY AND OUT-HUMBLED
30
00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,502
EVERYONE, BUT OTHER THAN THAT,
I MEAN--
31
00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:09,130
WELL, THERE WAS THE TIME
HE WAS ON TV--
32
00:01:09,136 --> 00:01:14,336
- [speaking French]
33
00:01:32,392 --> 00:01:36,262
- STEROIDS DO MORE
THAN JUST INCREASE MUSCLE SIZE.
34
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:40,433
THEY MAKE YOU MORE OF WHATEVER
YOU ALREADY ARE.
35
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:43,804
A HOODLUM COULD TRANSFORM
INTO A CROOK.
36
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:46,814
A KIND PERSON COULD EASILY TURN
37
00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:50,537
INTO A TOTAL [bleep] SAINT.
38
00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:52,414
AT LEAST, THAT'S WHAT I BELIEVE.
39
00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:53,813
BUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT DO I KNOW?
40
00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:55,684
I'M ON STEROIDS MYSELF.
41
00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:59,823
SO GUESS THAT MAKES ME
A HUGE ASSHOLE.
42
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:03,120
[upbeat music]
43
00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:11,404
♪ ♪
44
00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:16,904
[drilling]
45
00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:19,474
- CHRIS, I'M TELLING YOU,
THAT WAS REALLY BIG,
46
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,513
BUT I ATE THE WHOLE THING.
47
00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:23,709
WHOA!
JEFF.
48
00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:25,581
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING?
49
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:27,309
- IT'S A COOL MACHINE.
50
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,584
I JUST FINISHED.
- A WHAT?
51
00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:30,923
- YOU KNOW HOW WE'RE
ALWAYS SITTING AROUND,
52
00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:33,848
TALKING ABOUT HOW WE WISH
WE WERE COOL, CONFIDENT GUYS
53
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:35,854
INSTEAD OF A BUNCH OF LOSERS?
54
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:37,456
THIS MACHINE'LL DO IT.
55
00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:40,858
IT'LL TURN US INTO COOL VERSIONS
OF OURSELVES.
56
00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:42,461
- OH, YEAH, DIDN'T THEY
DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS
57
00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:43,733
ON THAT SHOW
FAMILY MATTERS?
58
00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:46,931
- YEAH, THAT'S
WHERE I GOT THE IDEA.
59
00:02:49,202 --> 00:02:51,772
- WHOA.
60
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:56,282
- WE'RE PRIMED.
CHRIS, WANT TO GIVE IT A SHOT?
61
00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:58,677
- SURE.
62
00:03:09,622 --> 00:03:11,622
both: WHOA!
63
00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:12,885
- CHRIS, HOW DO YOU FEEL?
64
00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:14,333
- I DON'T KNOW.
65
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,498
I GUESS I JUST FEEL
MOSTLY THE SAME.
66
00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:18,927
- NO. ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T
FEEL MORE COOL, MORE CONFIDENT?
67
00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:22,473
- NAH, I JUST FEEL
LIKE THE SAME OLD CHRIS.
68
00:03:22,469 --> 00:03:25,369
- THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING
DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU,
69
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,942
I JUST CAN'T PUT
MY FINGER ON IT.
70
00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:32,614
- MY GLASSES!
71
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,513
THE MACHINE CORRECTED MY VISION
72
00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,645
AND GOT RID
OF MY NERDY, OLD GLASSES!
73
00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:38,850
[laughter]
- IT WORKS!
74
00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,952
- IT WORKS.
- OH, I GOT TO TRY THIS OUT.
75
00:03:40,955 --> 00:03:44,655
- YEAH.
- UH, HEY, JEFF?
76
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:47,388
YOU'RE A REALLY GREAT INVENTOR.
77
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:49,734
- THANKS.
78
00:03:56,736 --> 00:04:00,406
IT WORKED!
IT WORKED!
79
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:03,277
OH, WHO AM I KIDDING?
IT DIDN'T WORK.
80
00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:04,937
I'M STILL THE SAME OLD
SCAREDY-CAT JEFF.
81
00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:07,275
- NO, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT DIDN'T WORK.
82
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:10,851
HEY, JEFF, CAN I BORROW
ONE OF YOUR PENS, PLEASE?
83
00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:13,821
- YEAH, SURE.
MY PEN!
84
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:14,721
IT'S GONE!
85
00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:17,822
- IT MUST'VE DISSOLVED
IN THE TRANSFORMATION PROCESS.
86
00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:21,385
- THE SUCCESSFUL
TRANSFORMATION PROCESS.
87
00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:22,885
NICE WORK.
I GOT TO GET IN THIS THING.
88
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:23,956
- YEAH!
- OH, AND, GUYS,
89
00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:28,674
SAY GOOD-BYE TO THAT GEEK-O MAN
HANFORD YOU ONCE KNEW.
90
00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:30,699
- GET IN THERE.
91
00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:40,983
- OH, MAN.
92
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:43,021
I GUESS IT WORKED FOR YOU TWO
AND NOT FOR ME.
93
00:04:43,017 --> 00:04:44,377
- I DON'T KNOW, MIKE.
94
00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:46,945
YOU LOOK WAY COOLER
THAN YOU DID BEFORE.
95
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:47,994
RIGHT?
- YEAH.
96
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:49,718
LIKE, SUDDENLY I WANT TO SPEND
97
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:50,723
ALL MY TIME WITH YOU.
98
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,024
- OH, YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.
99
00:04:52,026 --> 00:04:54,326
- AW, GEEZ, CHRIS,
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,
100
00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:56,658
BUT I HAVE NEVER WANTED
TO PORK HANFORD
101
00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:57,864
SO BAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
102
00:04:57,865 --> 00:04:59,665
- TELL ME ABOUT IT.
- WHAT'D YOU SAY?
103
00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:01,527
- OH, NOTHING, NOTHING.
104
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:04,035
- HEY, CHRIS, JEFF, MIKE.
105
00:05:04,038 --> 00:05:05,468
- WHAT'S UP, MITCH?
- AW, SWEET.
106
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:06,642
THE COOL MACHINE'S FINISHED.
107
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,010
YOU GUYS MIND
IF I GIVE IT A TRY?
108
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:10,909
- YEAH, SURE, GO ON.
109
00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,681
- AWESOME.
110
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:25,019
- COOL!
111
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:28,085
- AWESOME.
112
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:30,755
- GREAT, MAN.
113
00:05:36,035 --> 00:05:39,065
[dramatic pop music]
114
00:05:39,073 --> 00:05:40,513
♪ ♪
115
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:46,037
- ♪ AND INTO THE DARKNESS
I CAN SEE NO LIGHT ♪
116
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:49,646
♪ AND THEN
THROUGH THE DARKNESS ♪
117
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:53,350
♪ NO, NOTHING CAN HIDE ♪
118
00:05:53,354 --> 00:06:01,634
♪ ♪
119
00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:07,103
- ♪ HEY, IT'S ME, THE DRUMMER,
I THINK DRUMMING'S REALLY NEAT ♪
120
00:06:07,101 --> 00:06:10,001
♪ I'M SITTING IN THE BACK,
AND I'M KEEPING THE BEAT ♪
121
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:13,143
♪ KEEPING THE BEAT,
KEEPING THE BEAT ♪
122
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:16,380
♪ YES, IT'S TRUE
I'M KEEPING THE BEAT ♪
123
00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:19,847
♪ ♪
124
00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:22,677
[feedback]
125
00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:30,158
♪ ♪
126
00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:35,657
- ♪ I CAN SEE NO LIGHT
WHERE THERE IS NOT LIGHT ♪
127
00:06:35,662 --> 00:06:38,102
♪ I CAN SEE JUST NIGHT ♪
128
00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:43,138
♪ WHEN THERE IS NOT LIGHT ♪
129
00:06:43,137 --> 00:06:51,637
♪ ♪
130
00:06:56,783 --> 00:06:58,123
- ♪ HEY, CHECK OUT MY CYMBALS ♪
131
00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:00,148
♪ I BOUGHT THEM ONLINE,
AND IF YOU ASK ME ♪
132
00:07:00,154 --> 00:07:02,554
♪ THEY SOUND JUST FINE ♪
133
00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:04,656
♪ ♪
134
00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,988
♪ KEEPING THE BEAT,
KEEPING THE BEAT ♪
135
00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:09,134
♪ GET A LOAD OF ME,
I'M KEEPING THE BEAT ♪
136
00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:12,459
♪ OH, BASS DRUMS AND SNARES,
THAT'S THE LIFE FOR ME ♪
137
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:15,196
♪ OVER BY THE HI-HAT
IS WHERE I'LL BE ♪
138
00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:18,142
♪ KEEPING THE BEAT,
KEEPING THE BEAT ♪
139
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:20,468
♪ YEAH ♪
140
00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:22,644
♪ KEEPING THE BEAT,
KEEPING THE BEAT ♪
141
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:26,513
♪ I COULDN'T BE PROUDER
THAT I'M KEEPING THE BEAT ♪
142
00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:34,823
♪ ♪
143
00:07:36,856 --> 00:07:38,656
- SEEMS A LITTLE SHORT.
144
00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:40,829
- OKAY, WELL,
WE COULD LENGTHEN IT.
145
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:44,158
WE COULD ADD A VERSE--
- NO. NO WAY.
146
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:47,574
YOU DO NOT MESS WITH OUR ART.
147
00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:50,968
- OKAY.
148
00:07:52,071 --> 00:07:55,711
- MR. COLEMAN, SEEING AS HOW
THE JURY HAS FOUND YOU GUILTY
149
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,809
ON ALL COUNTS,
BREAKING AND ENTERING...
150
00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,181
- OKAY.
- GRAND LARCENY,
151
00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:00,679
AGGRAVATED ASSAULT...
- MM-HMM.
152
00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:03,181
- AND THREE COUNTS
OF FIRST-DEGREE MURDER...
153
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:04,683
- OKAY.
- I AM SENTENCING YOU
154
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:08,185
TO THE MAXIMUM, LIFE IN PRISON
WITHOUT PAROLE.
155
00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:09,918
- YEAH, LOOK.
156
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:12,123
I JUST CAN'T DO THIS, OKAY?
157
00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:13,525
- WHAT?
158
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:16,797
- I JUST CAN'T, OKAY?
159
00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:19,157
- BUT WE WENT THROUGH A TRIAL.
160
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,526
- I KNOW, I KNOW,
AND I APOLOGIZE.
161
00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:22,595
I KNOW.
162
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:25,203
EVERYONE CAN HATE ME,
BUT I CAN'T DO IT.
163
00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:28,205
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
164
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,538
YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE?
165
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:33,814
KEVIN, WAIT.
KEVIN!
166
00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:35,714
LISTEN, I KNOW
IT'S A HARSH SENTENCE,
167
00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:37,916
BUT YOU'LL SERVE IT
AT SAN MARCOS PENITENTIARY.
168
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,248
THAT'S A GOOD FACILITY.
169
00:08:39,253 --> 00:08:42,993
- IT'S NOT THAT.
170
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:44,090
IT'S THIS.
171
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:45,261
- WHAT?
172
00:08:45,259 --> 00:08:47,629
- LOOK, I'VE BEEN IN AND OUT
OF PRISONS MY WHOLE LIFE,
173
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:52,228
BUT THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK FOR ME
AND WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW.
174
00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:55,572
I'M SORRY.
175
00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:59,699
I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.
176
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:02,606
- WAIT.
177
00:09:02,609 --> 00:09:05,309
IT'S OVER.
178
00:09:14,987 --> 00:09:16,857
- RAISE YOUR EXPECTATIONS
179
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:18,917
FOR THE FEEL-WELL MOVIE
OF THE MOMENT.
180
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:22,256
COME SEE THE CONTRAPTION!
181
00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:23,632
COME SEE!
182
00:09:23,630 --> 00:09:26,300
THE ILLUSION OF MOVEMENT
ON A STATIONARY SCREEN.
183
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:29,270
MORONS AND RUBES, JOIN ME!
184
00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:30,269
YOU'LL SEE A THING!
185
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:33,000
WHAT'S UNDERNEATH THE TARP?
186
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:36,306
SEE CONTRAPTION, AND SAY...
187
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:40,113
YOU'LL BELIEVE YOUR EYES, SIR.
188
00:09:51,157 --> 00:09:53,017
- SO YOU SEEM A LITTLE WEIRD.
189
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,056
- SINCE LAST WEEK,
SINCE WE DID THE WHOLE--
190
00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:56,192
- YEAH.
- HEY, MIKE.
191
00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:57,156
HEY, GUYS.
- HEY.
192
00:09:57,164 --> 00:09:59,904
- THANKS FOR MEETING ME HERE.
193
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:01,800
THIS COOL MACHINE THING,
194
00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:05,202
HAS IT BEEN AS WEIRD FOR YOU
AS IT HAS BEEN FOR ME?
195
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:09,335
PEOPLE ARE TREATING ME
DIFFERENTLY.
196
00:10:09,343 --> 00:10:11,343
UNJUSTLY.
197
00:10:11,345 --> 00:10:12,905
- HOW SO?
198
00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:15,683
- EARLIER THIS WEEK,
I WAS HEADED ACROSS TOWN.
199
00:10:15,682 --> 00:10:20,992
- HEY, TAXI.
- THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED.
200
00:10:22,321 --> 00:10:24,061
I BARELY WAVED MY HAND,
201
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,757
AND EVERYONE IN THE CITY WANTED
TO PICK ME UP.
202
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,190
- HEY.
203
00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:31,226
- YES, UNFAIR TREATMENT.
204
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:32,301
I GET AT.
205
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:36,029
AS YOU KNOW, I RECENTLY MOVED
INTO A GATED COMMUNITY.
206
00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:40,066
AND THAT'S WHEN THEY SHOWED UP.
207
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:43,683
I NEVER EXPECTED
TO BE TREATED SO WELL.
208
00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:44,707
- SAME HERE.
209
00:10:44,711 --> 00:10:48,411
I HAD A RUN-IN WITH THE COPS
THIS MORNING.
210
00:10:53,686 --> 00:10:56,046
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
- YEAH.
211
00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:59,656
YOU KNOW HOW I WAS UP
FOR THAT PROMOTION AT WORK?
212
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:02,060
IT WAS CRAZY.
213
00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:04,102
I WAS TREATED TOO WELL.
214
00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,157
WE ALL WERE.
215
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,695
- YEAH.
- HE'S RIGHT.
216
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:11,200
PEOPLE LIKE US HAVE IT EASY
IN SOCIETY TODAY.
217
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:12,374
- IT'S NOT FAIR.
218
00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:14,172
- NO.
219
00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:23,979
- HOP ON YOUR FEET AND COME SEE
THE CONTRAPTION!
220
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:28,394
YOU'LL BELIEVE YOUR EYES, SIR!
THANK YOU.
221
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:31,358
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME.
222
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:32,088
HA-HA!
223
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:37,732
I, THE OUT-OF-PLACE MR. Q.
BINDERBENDER, DO HEREBY INVITE
224
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:43,001
YOU TO FEAST THINE EYES ON
MY MOST CREDIBLE, UNSTOUNDING,
225
00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:48,143
UTTERLY STRAIGHTFORWARD
CONTRAPTION!
226
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:55,046
HA-HA!
LOOK UPON IT.
227
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:57,148
IS IT NOT EVERYTHING
THAT I PROMISED?
228
00:11:57,150 --> 00:12:00,890
A CONTRAPTION OF THE MOST PLAIN
AND BELIEVABLE,
229
00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:06,257
AS THOUGH MADE BY MEN
IN A FACTORY SOMEWHERES.
230
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:07,829
TRY NOT TO BLINK.
231
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:11,158
YOU CANNOT,
FOR DUST WILL FILL THINE EYES,
232
00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:15,334
THE DUST OF OUR LORD,
ABRAHAM LINCOLN, HIMSELF.
233
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:19,435
WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
- MM...
234
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:22,309
- IT'S NOT REALLY A CONTRAPTION,
THOUGH, IS IT.
235
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:25,979
IT'S MORE OF A MACHINE, RIGHT?
JUST A MACHINE?
236
00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:28,309
- NO, IT'S A CONTRAPTION.
237
00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:30,075
- ONLY IF YOU'RE GOING
TO CALL ANY MACHINE
238
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,923
WITH MORE THAN THREE PARTS
A CONTRAPTION.
239
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,449
[laughter]
240
00:12:34,454 --> 00:12:36,454
- WELL, A WORDSMITH.
241
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:40,186
DO ENLIGHTEN US ALL.
WHAT IS A CONTRAPTION?
242
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:41,263
- WELL, SIR...
243
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:44,401
IT IMPLIES
A CERTAIN WHIZZBANGERY,
244
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,057
A CERTAIN CLAPTRAPPERY...
245
00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:50,966
♪ WITH FLIPS
AND FLAPS AND FLAPPERY ♪
246
00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:53,471
[laughter
and applause]
247
00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,313
- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ANY OF YOU,
248
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:57,778
BUT THAT MADE NO SENSE
TO ME AT ALL.
249
00:12:57,778 --> 00:12:59,478
- JUST 'CAUSE HE SANG IT,
YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT?
250
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:03,249
HE'S SAYING YOUR MACHINE IS NOT
COMPLICATED IN AN OFFBEAT WAY
251
00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:05,450
ENOUGH TO BE LABELED
A CONTRAPTION.
252
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,222
THAT'S A WHEEL AND A PUMP.
253
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,420
SORRY, THAT MACHINE
IS NO CONTRAPTION.
254
00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:11,362
- WELL, YOU, SIR,
ARE AN IDIOT.
255
00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:13,418
- I'M NOT AN IDIOT.
I'M A FARMER.
256
00:13:13,426 --> 00:13:16,826
THE TOWN IDIOT'S BACK THERE.
257
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:21,230
- WELL, I DARESAY,
YOU'RE ALL WRONG.
258
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:22,534
I'VE NO DICTIONARY MYSELF--
259
00:13:22,536 --> 00:13:27,466
- WELL, I DO HAVE A DICTIONARY,
AND I WILL LOOK IT UP RIGHT NOW.
260
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,574
- ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
261
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:30,936
YOU'RE RIGHT.
262
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:33,044
IT'S NOT MUCH OF A CONTRAPTION.
263
00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:37,376
I OVERSTATED THINGS.
264
00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:38,824
WELL, GOOD-BYE!
265
00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:40,319
BYE-BYE.
- BYE.
266
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,950
- BYE, EVERYONE.
- BYE.
267
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:43,445
- BYE.
- BYE, MR. BINDERBENDER.
268
00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:44,386
- BYE-BYE.
269
00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:46,591
- GOOD-BYE, EVERYONE.
- GOOD-BYE.
270
00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:48,593
- TA-TA.
- THANKS FOR THE TWO CENTS.
271
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,525
OFF WE GO.
272
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,530
NEXT TOWN.
273
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:55,832
WISH ME LUCK!
274
00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:59,536
- GOOD LUCK.
275
00:14:00,372 --> 00:14:02,212
- OKAY, IT LOOKS
LIKE YOU GOT INCOME
276
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,209
FROM A COUPLE DIFFERENT SOURCES
THIS YEAR,
277
00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:05,511
SO WHAT YOU'RE GONNA WANT
TO DO IS GATHER UP
278
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,912
ANY W-2s
OR 1099s YOU RECEIVED.
279
00:14:07,914 --> 00:14:09,314
- OKAY.
- GO AHEAD AND COMPILE
280
00:14:09,316 --> 00:14:11,316
ANY RECEIPTS
FOR BUSINESS-RELATED EXPENSES
281
00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:13,518
THIS YEAR
AND ITEMIZE ALL OF THOSE.
282
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:14,420
- ALL RIGHT.
283
00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:16,421
- AND THEN ONCE YOU GET
THE NECESSARY FORMS FILLED OUT,
284
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,263
WE'LL GET YOU FILED.
285
00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:21,058
SOUND GOOD?
286
00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:29,596
DOES THAT SOUND GOOD?
287
00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:41,448
TOM!
288
00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:42,448
IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?
289
00:14:42,449 --> 00:14:46,119
I MEAN, THIS IS
ALL PRETTY STANDARD STUFF.
290
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:51,519
- I'M SORRY.
I JUST--I CAN'T DO THIS.
291
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:52,224
- OH.
292
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:54,555
YOU KNOW, YOUR RETURN
IS RELATIVELY STRAIGHTFORWARD
293
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,091
COMPARED TO MOST.
294
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:58,256
THESE ARE THE BASIC FORMS,
AND I'D HELP YOU WITH THEM--
295
00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:00,525
- DON'T YOU GET IT?
296
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:03,333
THIS ISN'T WHO I AM.
297
00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:04,596
- TOM, IT'S A RETURN.
298
00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:08,474
YOU'LL BE GETTING MONEY
IN THE END.
299
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:12,275
- GOOD-BYE, NEIL.
300
00:15:16,382 --> 00:15:19,222
- HEY.
WHERE DID TOM GO?
301
00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:22,519
- IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.
302
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:25,522
- WAIT!
YOU NEVER KNOW.
303
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:27,685
HE MIGHT--MAYBE--
304
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:30,234
- NO.
305
00:15:45,577 --> 00:15:46,537
- MY GOD.
TEN YEARS.
306
00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:47,706
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
- NO!
307
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:50,484
- GOSH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK
I'VE BEEN HERE IN A DECADE.
308
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,123
- HERE YOU GO.
- HEY, THERE WE GO.
309
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,478
- ISN'T THIS GREAT?
- IT'S AMAZING.
310
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,416
HEY. HEY, HEY, HEY.
LOOK, IT'S MATT.
311
00:15:55,422 --> 00:16:00,092
- WOW, LOOK WHO HE'S WITH.
312
00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,063
- HEY, GUYS.
all: HEY.
313
00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:03,631
- I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY WIFE,
TIA CARRERE.
314
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:07,200
- UH, MATT, I THINK WE KNOW
WHO TIA CARRERE IS.
315
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,200
HI, TIA.
I'M TIM.
316
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:09,531
THIS IS MY WIFE SHEREEN.
317
00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:11,396
- AND I'M MIKE,
AND THIS IS MY WIFE YOLANDA.
318
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:14,614
- HI.
- HI, NICE TO MEET YOU ALL.
319
00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:16,367
- SO, MATT, HOW'S LIFE?
320
00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:19,406
- OKAY, I GUESS.
- JUST OKAY?
321
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,012
YOUR LIFE
LOOKS PRETTY GOOD TO ME.
322
00:16:21,014 --> 00:16:22,154
- YEAH.
323
00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:24,618
- YEAH, YOU'RE MARRIED TO
TIA CARRERE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.
324
00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:28,447
GEEZ, WE'RE STUCK BEING MARRIED
TO SHEREEN AND YOLANDA HERE.
325
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:30,215
OH, NO OFFENSE.
both: OH, NONE TAKEN.
326
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:32,093
- OKAY.
- YEAH, I MEAN, TIA CARRERE
327
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:34,662
AND I ARE REALLY HAPPY TOGETHER,
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME.
328
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,631
HOW ARE YOU GUYS?
329
00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:38,499
- NOT MARRYING
WORLDWIDE SEX SYMBOLS,
330
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,428
I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH.
331
00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:41,703
NO OFFENSE, HONEY.
- NONE TAKEN.
332
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:44,401
- I MEAN, YOU'RE NO DOG,
BUT YOU'RE NO TIA CARRERE, OKAY?
333
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:45,674
- BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.
334
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,742
- AND, MIKE, HOW ABOUT YOU?
- HOW AM I?
335
00:16:47,741 --> 00:16:50,041
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
A LOOK AT MY WIFE.
336
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,413
THAT MIGHT GIVE YOU AN IDEA.
GEEZ, YOU WALK IN WITH THIS TEN.
337
00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:55,682
I'M STANDING NEXT TO,
AT BEST, A TWO, OKAY?
338
00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:56,612
NO OFFENSE.
339
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:57,676
- WHY WOULD I BE OFFENDED?
340
00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,184
- YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY.
341
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:00,715
YOUR WIVES ARE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
342
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,450
- UH, YEAH.
343
00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:05,215
YOLANDA'S A DREAM.
- [laughs]
344
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:07,655
- NO OFFENSE.
- TIA, I DON'T KNOW
345
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:10,700
IF YOU NOTICED,
BUT WE ARE NOT MOVIE STARS.
346
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,697
- UH, BELIEVE ME,
SHE'S NOTICED.
347
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,599
NO OFFENSE.
- YEAH, AND POOR MIKE HERE
348
00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:16,671
HAS TO WAKE UP NEXT TO THIS
WALKING TURD EVERY MORNING,
349
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,269
NO OFFENSE, NONE TAKEN.
350
00:17:18,271 --> 00:17:19,741
I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DOES IT.
351
00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:22,439
- WELL, IT AIN'T EASY.
- OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
352
00:17:22,442 --> 00:17:25,742
SURE, MY WIFE, TIA CARRERE,
IS AMAZING LOOKING.
353
00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:30,205
BUT YOU GUYS NEED TO REALIZE
THAT WHILE MY WIFE IS, YES,
354
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:31,716
PRETTIER THAN MOST,
THAT DOESN'T MEAN
355
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:34,218
THAT YOUR WIVES CAN'T BE PRETTY
AT THE SAME TIME.
356
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,750
- OH, YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT
ABOUT THAT.
357
00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:37,185
- OKAY.
- THAT'S A GOOD POINT.
358
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,760
- HOWEVER, IN A WAY,
YOU TWO ARE RIGHT.
359
00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:43,658
TIA CARRERE IS MUCH, MUCH
PRETTIER THAN BOTH OF YOUR WIVES
360
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,403
COMBINED, TIMES A MILLION.
361
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,468
NO OFFENSE.
all: NONE TAKEN.
362
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:48,697
- OKAY, YOU GUYS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
363
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:50,301
I'VE BEEN LISTENING
TO EVERYTHING
364
00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:51,743
YOU'VE BEEN SAYING,
365
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,498
AND YOU'RE RIGHT.
366
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:54,706
I GUESS I AM THE ONLY ONE HERE
367
00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:56,707
THAT MAKES A LIVING
WITH MY LOOKS.
368
00:17:56,709 --> 00:18:00,079
NO OFFENSE, RIGHT?
369
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:05,780
- TIA, DON'T YOU EVER, AND I
MEAN EVER, TALK ABOUT OUR WIVES,
370
00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:09,285
YOLANDA AND SHEREEN, LIKE THAT
EVER AGAIN, YOU GOT IT?
371
00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:12,659
- AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR ME.
372
00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:17,759
COME ON, UGLIES.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
373
00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:25,100
- TIA CARRERE, THANK YOU FOR
RUINING MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION.
374
00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:29,773
- MATT?
375
00:18:55,534 --> 00:19:01,314
- PEOPLE ARE TREATING ME
DIFFERENTLY, UNJUSTLY.
376
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:02,767
splash!
377
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:05,835
- UNFAIR TREATMENT.
378
00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:10,815
- PEOPLE LIKE US HAVE IT EASY
IN SOCIETY TODAY.
379
00:19:45,384 --> 00:19:47,924
- NO!
380
00:19:55,827 --> 00:19:57,297
- THEY HAVE IT SO GOOD.
381
00:19:57,297 --> 00:20:02,227
BUT, NO, THIS IS HOW
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.
382
00:20:09,841 --> 00:20:10,881
- ♪ WHASSUP? ♪
383
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,277
♪ UH-OH, UH-OH ♪
384
00:20:12,278 --> 00:20:14,878
♪ UH-OH ♪
385
00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:21,694
- WELL?
- WELL, WHAT?
386
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:23,318
- DID YOU LIKE IT?
387
00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:25,523
- YEAH, 'CAUSE WE WERE THINKING
THAT, IF YOU LIKED IT,
388
00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:29,885
YOU MIGHT WANT
TO GIVE US SOMETHING.
389
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:33,526
MAYBE A PARTICULAR AWARD?
390
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:35,833
- YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU
AN NAACP AWARD.
391
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:37,895
- IF YOU THINK WE DESERVE IT.
392
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:41,674
- WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
PEOPLE THAT WIN OUR AWARDS,
393
00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:43,984
IT'S AT A PRESENTATION CEREMONY.
394
00:20:43,977 --> 00:20:46,237
THEY DON'T JUST WALK
INTO THE CHAIRWOMAN'S OFFICE
395
00:20:46,246 --> 00:20:47,906
IN THE MIDDLE OF A WEEKDAY
AND HAVE HER WATCH A TAPE.
396
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:50,284
- AH.
TUXEDOS.
397
00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:52,853
CUMMERBUNDS.
- OKAY, IT'S NOT JUST THAT.
398
00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:54,692
THE TAPE YOU SHOWED ME,
THE WHITE GUYS
399
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:57,387
TURNING INTO BLACK GUYS
AND BACK AGAIN,
400
00:20:57,390 --> 00:20:59,990
NOT EXACTLY SURE
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING THERE.
401
00:20:59,993 --> 00:21:01,293
- OKAY.
402
00:21:01,294 --> 00:21:04,804
- GET AN ENDING, SOMETHING
THAT SHOWS WHERE YOU'RE GOING
403
00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:07,467
WITH ALL THIS,
LIKE YOU'RE SMART,
404
00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:09,897
LIKE YOU'RE MAKING A COMMENT.
405
00:21:09,902 --> 00:21:15,342
CAN YOU DO THAT?
406
00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:19,842
GUYS!
WAIT!
407
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:22,576
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
408
00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:23,752
- WE CAN'T DO IT.
409
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:26,580
- WHY NOT?
- IT'S TOO HARD.
410
00:21:26,586 --> 00:21:28,916
- IT DOESN'T HAVE
TO BE A MASTERWORK.
411
00:21:28,921 --> 00:21:31,021
ANY COHERENT POINT WILL DO.
412
00:21:31,024 --> 00:21:33,564
PLUS, AS IT IS,
YOUR SHOW'S TOO SHORT.
413
00:21:33,559 --> 00:21:34,989
YOU HAVE TO FILL HALF AN HOUR.
414
00:21:34,994 --> 00:21:38,964
SO JUST FIND OUT WHAT YOU'RE
REALLY TRYING TO SAY, AND--
415
00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:40,695
- LOOK.
BARBARA.
416
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:43,700
WE CAN'T DO THIS, OKAY?
IT'S TOO HARD.
417
00:21:43,703 --> 00:21:48,673
- ALL RIGHT, WHAT IF I GAVE YOU
AN NAACP AWARD?
418
00:21:48,675 --> 00:21:51,805
- YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE.
419
00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:53,981
- WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
420
00:22:09,861 --> 00:22:13,561
YOU HAVE TO FILL HALF AN HOUR.
421
00:22:15,701 --> 00:22:20,471
ANY COHERENT POINT WILL DO.
422
00:22:21,807 --> 00:22:25,007
- IT'S TOO HARD.
423
00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:29,581
- ♪ WHASSUP? ♪
- ♪ UH-OH, UH-OH, UH-OH ♪
424
00:22:29,582 --> 00:22:35,592
- ♪ BACK ONCE AGAIN,
YEAH, I'M BACK ONCE AGAIN ♪
30143
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