Original subtitles

- ZOOK WAS A NORMAL KID.

I WENT TO AMISH SCHOOL WITH HIM.

BUT WE GOT UP TO ABOUT 18, FORGET ABOUT IT.

HE JUST SHOT TO THE TOP OF THE GAME, YOU KNOW?

[imitates explosion]

- NO ONE WAS AS HUMBLE.

NO ONE USED LESS ELECTRICITY.

NO ONE USED LESS TECHNOLOGY.

I MEAN, IF YOU SAW HOW LITTLE TECHNOLOGY

THIS GUY USED, IT WAS RIDICULOUS.

- ZOOK, CRAZY AMISH, OKAY?

NO ONE HAS HAD FEWER GRAVEN IMAGES

MADE OF HIMSELF, I CAN TELL YOU THAT.

- WE ALL TRY TO BE AMISH AROUND HERE,

BUT ZOOK WAS OFF-THE-CHARTS AMISH.

THIS IS THE SPECTRUM. I'M HERE.

YOU KNOW, MY DAD'S HERE.

ZOOK WAS--YOU DON'T EVEN SEE HIM, HE'S SO OFF THE CHARTS.

- HIS BEARD WAS FULL

BUT WITH NO MUSTACHE,

AND I NEVER SAW HIM SHAVE.

- HE RAISED A BARN BY HIMSELF.

[whistles] - HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

- HOW'D HE DO IT? WELL...

- LOOK, YEAH. I DID STEROIDS, OKAY?

YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THIS WITHOUT A LITTLE EXTRA HELP.

- THERE'S NO WAY WE COULD'VE KNOWN ZOOK WAS 'ROIDED UP.

I'D NEVER HEARD OF IT. WE DON'T USE THAT STUFF.

- SURE, HE RAISED BARNS SINGLE-HANDEDLY AND OUT-HUMBLED

EVERYONE, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, I MEAN--

WELL, THERE WAS THE TIME HE WAS ON TV--

- [speaking French]

- STEROIDS DO MORE THAN JUST INCREASE MUSCLE SIZE.

THEY MAKE YOU MORE OF WHATEVER YOU ALREADY ARE.

A HOODLUM COULD TRANSFORM INTO A CROOK.

A KIND PERSON COULD EASILY TURN

INTO A TOTAL [bleep] SAINT.

AT LEAST, THAT'S WHAT I BELIEVE.

BUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT DO I KNOW?

I'M ON STEROIDS MYSELF.

SO GUESS THAT MAKES ME A HUGE ASSHOLE.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[drilling]

- CHRIS, I'M TELLING YOU, THAT WAS REALLY BIG,

BUT I ATE THE WHOLE THING.

WHOA! JEFF.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING?

- IT'S A COOL MACHINE.

I JUST FINISHED. - A WHAT?

- YOU KNOW HOW WE'RE ALWAYS SITTING AROUND,

TALKING ABOUT HOW WE WISH WE WERE COOL, CONFIDENT GUYS

INSTEAD OF A BUNCH OF LOSERS?

THIS MACHINE'LL DO IT.

IT'LL TURN US INTO COOL VERSIONS OF OURSELVES.

- OH, YEAH, DIDN'T THEY DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS

ON THAT SHOW FAMILY MATTERS?

- YEAH, THAT'S WHERE I GOT THE IDEA.

- WHOA.

- WE'RE PRIMED. CHRIS, WANT TO GIVE IT A SHOT?

- SURE.

both: WHOA!

- CHRIS, HOW DO YOU FEEL?

- I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS I JUST FEEL MOSTLY THE SAME.

- NO. ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T FEEL MORE COOL, MORE CONFIDENT?

- NAH, I JUST FEEL LIKE THE SAME OLD CHRIS.

- THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU,

I JUST CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON IT.

- MY GLASSES!

THE MACHINE CORRECTED MY VISION

AND GOT RID OF MY NERDY, OLD GLASSES!

[laughter] - IT WORKS!

- IT WORKS. - OH, I GOT TO TRY THIS OUT.

- YEAH. - UH, HEY, JEFF?

YOU'RE A REALLY GREAT INVENTOR.

- THANKS.

IT WORKED! IT WORKED!

OH, WHO AM I KIDDING? IT DIDN'T WORK.

I'M STILL THE SAME OLD SCAREDY-CAT JEFF.

- NO, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT DIDN'T WORK.

HEY, JEFF, CAN I BORROW ONE OF YOUR PENS, PLEASE?

- YEAH, SURE. MY PEN!

IT'S GONE!

- IT MUST'VE DISSOLVED IN THE TRANSFORMATION PROCESS.

- THE SUCCESSFUL TRANSFORMATION PROCESS.

NICE WORK. I GOT TO GET IN THIS THING.

- YEAH! - OH, AND, GUYS,

SAY GOOD-BYE TO THAT GEEK-O MAN HANFORD YOU ONCE KNEW.

- GET IN THERE.

- OH, MAN.

I GUESS IT WORKED FOR YOU TWO AND NOT FOR ME.

- I DON'T KNOW, MIKE.

YOU LOOK WAY COOLER THAN YOU DID BEFORE.

RIGHT? - YEAH.

LIKE, SUDDENLY I WANT TO SPEND

ALL MY TIME WITH YOU.

- OH, YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT.

- AW, GEEZ, CHRIS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO PORK HANFORD

SO BAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

- TELL ME ABOUT IT. - WHAT'D YOU SAY?

- OH, NOTHING, NOTHING.

- HEY, CHRIS, JEFF, MIKE.

- WHAT'S UP, MITCH? - AW, SWEET.

THE COOL MACHINE'S FINISHED.

YOU GUYS MIND IF I GIVE IT A TRY?

- YEAH, SURE, GO ON.

- AWESOME.

- COOL!

- AWESOME.

- GREAT, MAN.

[dramatic pop music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ AND INTO THE DARKNESS I CAN SEE NO LIGHT ♪

♪ AND THEN THROUGH THE DARKNESS ♪

♪ NO, NOTHING CAN HIDE ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ HEY, IT'S ME, THE DRUMMER, I THINK DRUMMING'S REALLY NEAT ♪

♪ I'M SITTING IN THE BACK, AND I'M KEEPING THE BEAT ♪

♪ KEEPING THE BEAT, KEEPING THE BEAT ♪

♪ YES, IT'S TRUE I'M KEEPING THE BEAT ♪

♪ ♪

[feedback]

♪ ♪

- ♪ I CAN SEE NO LIGHT WHERE THERE IS NOT LIGHT ♪

♪ I CAN SEE JUST NIGHT ♪

♪ WHEN THERE IS NOT LIGHT ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ HEY, CHECK OUT MY CYMBALS ♪

♪ I BOUGHT THEM ONLINE, AND IF YOU ASK ME ♪

♪ THEY SOUND JUST FINE ♪

♪ ♪

♪ KEEPING THE BEAT, KEEPING THE BEAT ♪

♪ GET A LOAD OF ME, I'M KEEPING THE BEAT ♪

♪ OH, BASS DRUMS AND SNARES, THAT'S THE LIFE FOR ME ♪

♪ OVER BY THE HI-HAT IS WHERE I'LL BE ♪

♪ KEEPING THE BEAT, KEEPING THE BEAT ♪

♪ YEAH ♪

♪ KEEPING THE BEAT, KEEPING THE BEAT ♪

♪ I COULDN'T BE PROUDER THAT I'M KEEPING THE BEAT ♪

♪ ♪

- SEEMS A LITTLE SHORT.

- OKAY, WELL, WE COULD LENGTHEN IT.

WE COULD ADD A VERSE-- - NO. NO WAY.

YOU DO NOT MESS WITH OUR ART.

- OKAY.

- MR. COLEMAN, SEEING AS HOW THE JURY HAS FOUND YOU GUILTY

ON ALL COUNTS, BREAKING AND ENTERING...

- OKAY. - GRAND LARCENY,

AGGRAVATED ASSAULT... - MM-HMM.

- AND THREE COUNTS OF FIRST-DEGREE MURDER...

- OKAY. - I AM SENTENCING YOU

TO THE MAXIMUM, LIFE IN PRISON WITHOUT PAROLE.

- YEAH, LOOK.

I JUST CAN'T DO THIS, OKAY?

- WHAT?

- I JUST CAN'T, OKAY?

- BUT WE WENT THROUGH A TRIAL.

- I KNOW, I KNOW, AND I APOLOGIZE.

I KNOW.

EVERYONE CAN HATE ME, BUT I CAN'T DO IT.

- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE?

KEVIN, WAIT. KEVIN!

LISTEN, I KNOW IT'S A HARSH SENTENCE,

BUT YOU'LL SERVE IT AT SAN MARCOS PENITENTIARY.

THAT'S A GOOD FACILITY.

- IT'S NOT THAT.

IT'S THIS.

- WHAT?

- LOOK, I'VE BEEN IN AND OUT OF PRISONS MY WHOLE LIFE,

BUT THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK FOR ME AND WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW.

I'M SORRY.

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

- WAIT.

IT'S OVER.

- RAISE YOUR EXPECTATIONS

FOR THE FEEL-WELL MOVIE OF THE MOMENT.

COME SEE THE CONTRAPTION!

COME SEE!

THE ILLUSION OF MOVEMENT ON A STATIONARY SCREEN.

MORONS AND RUBES, JOIN ME!

YOU'LL SEE A THING!

WHAT'S UNDERNEATH THE TARP?

SEE CONTRAPTION, AND SAY...

YOU'LL BELIEVE YOUR EYES, SIR.

- SO YOU SEEM A LITTLE WEIRD.

- SINCE LAST WEEK, SINCE WE DID THE WHOLE--

- YEAH. - HEY, MIKE.

HEY, GUYS. - HEY.

- THANKS FOR MEETING ME HERE.

THIS COOL MACHINE THING,

HAS IT BEEN AS WEIRD FOR YOU AS IT HAS BEEN FOR ME?

PEOPLE ARE TREATING ME DIFFERENTLY.

UNJUSTLY.

- HOW SO?

- EARLIER THIS WEEK, I WAS HEADED ACROSS TOWN.

- HEY, TAXI. - THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED.

I BARELY WAVED MY HAND,

AND EVERYONE IN THE CITY WANTED TO PICK ME UP.

- HEY.

- YES, UNFAIR TREATMENT.

I GET AT.

AS YOU KNOW, I RECENTLY MOVED INTO A GATED COMMUNITY.

AND THAT'S WHEN THEY SHOWED UP.

I NEVER EXPECTED TO BE TREATED SO WELL.

- SAME HERE.

I HAD A RUN-IN WITH THE COPS THIS MORNING.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. - YEAH.

YOU KNOW HOW I WAS UP FOR THAT PROMOTION AT WORK?

IT WAS CRAZY.

I WAS TREATED TOO WELL.

WE ALL WERE.

- YEAH. - HE'S RIGHT.

PEOPLE LIKE US HAVE IT EASY IN SOCIETY TODAY.

- IT'S NOT FAIR.

- NO.

- HOP ON YOUR FEET AND COME SEE THE CONTRAPTION!

YOU'LL BELIEVE YOUR EYES, SIR! THANK YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME.

HA-HA!

I, THE OUT-OF-PLACE MR. Q. BINDERBENDER, DO HEREBY INVITE

YOU TO FEAST THINE EYES ON MY MOST CREDIBLE, UNSTOUNDING,

UTTERLY STRAIGHTFORWARD CONTRAPTION!

HA-HA! LOOK UPON IT.

IS IT NOT EVERYTHING THAT I PROMISED?

A CONTRAPTION OF THE MOST PLAIN AND BELIEVABLE,

AS THOUGH MADE BY MEN IN A FACTORY SOMEWHERES.

TRY NOT TO BLINK.

YOU CANNOT, FOR DUST WILL FILL THINE EYES,

THE DUST OF OUR LORD, ABRAHAM LINCOLN, HIMSELF.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY? - MM...

- IT'S NOT REALLY A CONTRAPTION, THOUGH, IS IT.

IT'S MORE OF A MACHINE, RIGHT? JUST A MACHINE?

- NO, IT'S A CONTRAPTION.

- ONLY IF YOU'RE GOING TO CALL ANY MACHINE

WITH MORE THAN THREE PARTS A CONTRAPTION.

[laughter]

- WELL, A WORDSMITH.

DO ENLIGHTEN US ALL. WHAT IS A CONTRAPTION?

- WELL, SIR...

IT IMPLIES A CERTAIN WHIZZBANGERY,

A CERTAIN CLAPTRAPPERY...

♪ WITH FLIPS AND FLAPS AND FLAPPERY ♪

[laughter and applause]

- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ANY OF YOU,

BUT THAT MADE NO SENSE TO ME AT ALL.

- JUST 'CAUSE HE SANG IT, YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT?

HE'S SAYING YOUR MACHINE IS NOT COMPLICATED IN AN OFFBEAT WAY

ENOUGH TO BE LABELED A CONTRAPTION.

THAT'S A WHEEL AND A PUMP.

SORRY, THAT MACHINE IS NO CONTRAPTION.

- WELL, YOU, SIR, ARE AN IDIOT.

- I'M NOT AN IDIOT. I'M A FARMER.

THE TOWN IDIOT'S BACK THERE.

- WELL, I DARESAY, YOU'RE ALL WRONG.

I'VE NO DICTIONARY MYSELF--

- WELL, I DO HAVE A DICTIONARY, AND I WILL LOOK IT UP RIGHT NOW.

- ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S NOT MUCH OF A CONTRAPTION.

I OVERSTATED THINGS.

WELL, GOOD-BYE!

BYE-BYE. - BYE.

- BYE, EVERYONE. - BYE.

- BYE. - BYE, MR. BINDERBENDER.

- BYE-BYE.

- GOOD-BYE, EVERYONE. - GOOD-BYE.

- TA-TA. - THANKS FOR THE TWO CENTS.

OFF WE GO.

NEXT TOWN.

WISH ME LUCK!

- GOOD LUCK.

- OKAY, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT INCOME

FROM A COUPLE DIFFERENT SOURCES THIS YEAR,

SO WHAT YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO DO IS GATHER UP

ANY W-2s OR 1099s YOU RECEIVED.

- OKAY. - GO AHEAD AND COMPILE

ANY RECEIPTS FOR BUSINESS-RELATED EXPENSES

THIS YEAR AND ITEMIZE ALL OF THOSE.

- ALL RIGHT.

- AND THEN ONCE YOU GET THE NECESSARY FORMS FILLED OUT,

WE'LL GET YOU FILED.

SOUND GOOD?

DOES THAT SOUND GOOD?

TOM!

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, THIS IS ALL PRETTY STANDARD STUFF.

- I'M SORRY. I JUST--I CAN'T DO THIS.

- OH.

YOU KNOW, YOUR RETURN IS RELATIVELY STRAIGHTFORWARD

COMPARED TO MOST.

THESE ARE THE BASIC FORMS, AND I'D HELP YOU WITH THEM--

- DON'T YOU GET IT?

THIS ISN'T WHO I AM.

- TOM, IT'S A RETURN.

YOU'LL BE GETTING MONEY IN THE END.

- GOOD-BYE, NEIL.

- HEY. WHERE DID TOM GO?

- IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

- WAIT! YOU NEVER KNOW.

HE MIGHT--MAYBE--

- NO.

- MY GOD. TEN YEARS.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? - NO!

- GOSH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'VE BEEN HERE IN A DECADE.

- HERE YOU GO. - HEY, THERE WE GO.

- ISN'T THIS GREAT? - IT'S AMAZING.

HEY. HEY, HEY, HEY. LOOK, IT'S MATT.

- WOW, LOOK WHO HE'S WITH.

- HEY, GUYS. all: HEY.

- I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY WIFE, TIA CARRERE.

- UH, MATT, I THINK WE KNOW WHO TIA CARRERE IS.

HI, TIA. I'M TIM.

THIS IS MY WIFE SHEREEN.

- AND I'M MIKE, AND THIS IS MY WIFE YOLANDA.

- HI. - HI, NICE TO MEET YOU ALL.

- SO, MATT, HOW'S LIFE?

- OKAY, I GUESS. - JUST OKAY?

YOUR LIFE LOOKS PRETTY GOOD TO ME.

- YEAH.

- YEAH, YOU'RE MARRIED TO TIA CARRERE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

GEEZ, WE'RE STUCK BEING MARRIED TO SHEREEN AND YOLANDA HERE.

OH, NO OFFENSE. both: OH, NONE TAKEN.

- OKAY. - YEAH, I MEAN, TIA CARRERE

AND I ARE REALLY HAPPY TOGETHER, BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME.

HOW ARE YOU GUYS?

- NOT MARRYING WORLDWIDE SEX SYMBOLS,

I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH.

NO OFFENSE, HONEY. - NONE TAKEN.

- I MEAN, YOU'RE NO DOG, BUT YOU'RE NO TIA CARRERE, OKAY?

- BELIEVE ME, I KNOW.

- AND, MIKE, HOW ABOUT YOU? - HOW AM I?

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK AT MY WIFE.

THAT MIGHT GIVE YOU AN IDEA. GEEZ, YOU WALK IN WITH THIS TEN.

I'M STANDING NEXT TO, AT BEST, A TWO, OKAY?

NO OFFENSE.

- WHY WOULD I BE OFFENDED?

- YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY.

YOUR WIVES ARE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

- UH, YEAH.

YOLANDA'S A DREAM. - [laughs]

- NO OFFENSE. - TIA, I DON'T KNOW

IF YOU NOTICED, BUT WE ARE NOT MOVIE STARS.

- UH, BELIEVE ME, SHE'S NOTICED.

NO OFFENSE. - YEAH, AND POOR MIKE HERE

HAS TO WAKE UP NEXT TO THIS WALKING TURD EVERY MORNING,

NO OFFENSE, NONE TAKEN.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DOES IT.

- WELL, IT AIN'T EASY. - OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.

SURE, MY WIFE, TIA CARRERE, IS AMAZING LOOKING.

BUT YOU GUYS NEED TO REALIZE THAT WHILE MY WIFE IS, YES,

PRETTIER THAN MOST, THAT DOESN'T MEAN

THAT YOUR WIVES CAN'T BE PRETTY AT THE SAME TIME.

- OH, YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.

- OKAY. - THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

- HOWEVER, IN A WAY, YOU TWO ARE RIGHT.

TIA CARRERE IS MUCH, MUCH PRETTIER THAN BOTH OF YOUR WIVES

COMBINED, TIMES A MILLION.

NO OFFENSE. all: NONE TAKEN.

- OKAY, YOU GUYS. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO EVERYTHING

YOU'VE BEEN SAYING,

AND YOU'RE RIGHT.

I GUESS I AM THE ONLY ONE HERE

THAT MAKES A LIVING WITH MY LOOKS.

NO OFFENSE, RIGHT?

- TIA, DON'T YOU EVER, AND I MEAN EVER, TALK ABOUT OUR WIVES,

YOLANDA AND SHEREEN, LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN, YOU GOT IT?

- AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR ME.

COME ON, UGLIES. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

- TIA CARRERE, THANK YOU FOR RUINING MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION.

- MATT?

- PEOPLE ARE TREATING ME DIFFERENTLY, UNJUSTLY.

splash!

- UNFAIR TREATMENT.

- PEOPLE LIKE US HAVE IT EASY IN SOCIETY TODAY.

- NO!

- THEY HAVE IT SO GOOD.

BUT, NO, THIS IS HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

- ♪ WHASSUP? ♪

♪ UH-OH, UH-OH ♪

♪ UH-OH ♪

- WELL? - WELL, WHAT?

- DID YOU LIKE IT?

- YEAH, 'CAUSE WE WERE THINKING THAT, IF YOU LIKED IT,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO GIVE US SOMETHING.

MAYBE A PARTICULAR AWARD?

- YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU AN NAACP AWARD.

- IF YOU THINK WE DESERVE IT.

- WELL, FIRST OF ALL, PEOPLE THAT WIN OUR AWARDS,

IT'S AT A PRESENTATION CEREMONY.

THEY DON'T JUST WALK INTO THE CHAIRWOMAN'S OFFICE

IN THE MIDDLE OF A WEEKDAY AND HAVE HER WATCH A TAPE.

- AH. TUXEDOS.

CUMMERBUNDS. - OKAY, IT'S NOT JUST THAT.

THE TAPE YOU SHOWED ME, THE WHITE GUYS

TURNING INTO BLACK GUYS AND BACK AGAIN,

NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING THERE.

- OKAY.

- GET AN ENDING, SOMETHING THAT SHOWS WHERE YOU'RE GOING

WITH ALL THIS, LIKE YOU'RE SMART,

LIKE YOU'RE MAKING A COMMENT.

CAN YOU DO THAT?

GUYS! WAIT!

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

- WE CAN'T DO IT.

- WHY NOT? - IT'S TOO HARD.

- IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A MASTERWORK.

ANY COHERENT POINT WILL DO.

PLUS, AS IT IS, YOUR SHOW'S TOO SHORT.

YOU HAVE TO FILL HALF AN HOUR.

SO JUST FIND OUT WHAT YOU'RE REALLY TRYING TO SAY, AND--

- LOOK. BARBARA.

WE CAN'T DO THIS, OKAY? IT'S TOO HARD.

- ALL RIGHT, WHAT IF I GAVE YOU AN NAACP AWARD?

- YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE.

- WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

YOU HAVE TO FILL HALF AN HOUR.

ANY COHERENT POINT WILL DO.

- IT'S TOO HARD.

- ♪ WHASSUP? ♪ - ♪ UH-OH, UH-OH, UH-OH ♪

- ♪ BACK ONCE AGAIN, YEAH, I'M BACK ONCE AGAIN ♪