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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,768 --> 00:00:03,468 - ZOOK WAS A NORMAL KID. 2 00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:04,771 I WENT TO AMISH SCHOOL WITH HIM. 3 00:00:04,772 --> 00:00:08,242 BUT WE GOT UP TO ABOUT 18, FORGET ABOUT IT. 4 00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:10,442 HE JUST SHOT TO THE TOP OF THE GAME, YOU KNOW? 5 00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:11,714 [imitates explosion] 6 00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:12,712 - NO ONE WAS AS HUMBLE. 7 00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:13,713 NO ONE USED LESS ELECTRICITY. 8 00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:15,384 NO ONE USED LESS TECHNOLOGY. 9 00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:16,783 I MEAN, IF YOU SAW HOW LITTLE TECHNOLOGY 10 00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:19,224 THIS GUY USED, IT WAS RIDICULOUS. 11 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,720 - ZOOK, CRAZY AMISH, OKAY? 12 00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:24,361 NO ONE HAS HAD FEWER GRAVEN IMAGES 13 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,128 MADE OF HIMSELF, I CAN TELL YOU THAT. 14 00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:27,457 - WE ALL TRY TO BE AMISH AROUND HERE, 15 00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:29,531 BUT ZOOK WAS OFF-THE-CHARTS AMISH. 16 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,660 THIS IS THE SPECTRUM. I'M HERE. 17 00:00:31,665 --> 00:00:33,125 YOU KNOW, MY DAD'S HERE. 18 00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:36,744 ZOOK WAS--YOU DON'T EVEN SEE HIM, HE'S SO OFF THE CHARTS. 19 00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:38,567 - HIS BEARD WAS FULL 20 00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,372 BUT WITH NO MUSTACHE, 21 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,635 AND I NEVER SAW HIM SHAVE. 22 00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:44,243 - HE RAISED A BARN BY HIMSELF. 23 00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:46,475 [whistles] - HOW DO YOU DO THAT? 24 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:49,150 - HOW'D HE DO IT? WELL... 25 00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:53,794 - LOOK, YEAH. I DID STEROIDS, OKAY? 26 00:00:53,788 --> 00:00:57,218 YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THIS WITHOUT A LITTLE EXTRA HELP. 27 00:00:57,224 --> 00:01:00,364 - THERE'S NO WAY WE COULD'VE KNOWN ZOOK WAS 'ROIDED UP. 28 00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:02,491 I'D NEVER HEARD OF IT. WE DON'T USE THAT STUFF. 29 00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,826 - SURE, HE RAISED BARNS SINGLE-HANDEDLY AND OUT-HUMBLED 30 00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,502 EVERYONE, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, I MEAN-- 31 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:09,130 WELL, THERE WAS THE TIME HE WAS ON TV-- 32 00:01:09,136 --> 00:01:14,336 - [speaking French] 33 00:01:32,392 --> 00:01:36,262 - STEROIDS DO MORE THAN JUST INCREASE MUSCLE SIZE. 34 00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:40,433 THEY MAKE YOU MORE OF WHATEVER YOU ALREADY ARE. 35 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:43,804 A HOODLUM COULD TRANSFORM INTO A CROOK. 36 00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:46,814 A KIND PERSON COULD EASILY TURN 37 00:01:46,807 --> 00:01:50,537 INTO A TOTAL [bleep] SAINT. 38 00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:52,414 AT LEAST, THAT'S WHAT I BELIEVE. 39 00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:53,813 BUT, YOU KNOW, WHAT DO I KNOW? 40 00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:55,684 I'M ON STEROIDS MYSELF. 41 00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:59,823 SO GUESS THAT MAKES ME A HUGE ASSHOLE. 42 00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:03,120 [upbeat music] 43 00:02:03,124 --> 00:02:11,404 ♪ ♪ 44 00:02:14,834 --> 00:02:16,904 [drilling] 45 00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:19,474 - CHRIS, I'M TELLING YOU, THAT WAS REALLY BIG, 46 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,513 BUT I ATE THE WHOLE THING. 47 00:02:21,509 --> 00:02:23,709 WHOA! JEFF. 48 00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:25,581 WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING? 49 00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:27,309 - IT'S A COOL MACHINE. 50 00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,584 I JUST FINISHED. - A WHAT? 51 00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:30,923 - YOU KNOW HOW WE'RE ALWAYS SITTING AROUND, 52 00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:33,848 TALKING ABOUT HOW WE WISH WE WERE COOL, CONFIDENT GUYS 53 00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:35,854 INSTEAD OF A BUNCH OF LOSERS? 54 00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:37,456 THIS MACHINE'LL DO IT. 55 00:02:37,458 --> 00:02:40,858 IT'LL TURN US INTO COOL VERSIONS OF OURSELVES. 56 00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:42,461 - OH, YEAH, DIDN'T THEY DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS 57 00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:43,733 ON THAT SHOW FAMILY MATTERS? 58 00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:46,931 - YEAH, THAT'S WHERE I GOT THE IDEA. 59 00:02:49,202 --> 00:02:51,772 - WHOA. 60 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:56,282 - WE'RE PRIMED. CHRIS, WANT TO GIVE IT A SHOT? 61 00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:58,677 - SURE. 62 00:03:09,622 --> 00:03:11,622 both: WHOA! 63 00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:12,885 - CHRIS, HOW DO YOU FEEL? 64 00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:14,333 - I DON'T KNOW. 65 00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,498 I GUESS I JUST FEEL MOSTLY THE SAME. 66 00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:18,927 - NO. ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T FEEL MORE COOL, MORE CONFIDENT? 67 00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:22,473 - NAH, I JUST FEEL LIKE THE SAME OLD CHRIS. 68 00:03:22,469 --> 00:03:25,369 - THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU, 69 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,942 I JUST CAN'T PUT MY FINGER ON IT. 70 00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:32,614 - MY GLASSES! 71 00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,513 THE MACHINE CORRECTED MY VISION 72 00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,645 AND GOT RID OF MY NERDY, OLD GLASSES! 73 00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:38,850 [laughter] - IT WORKS! 74 00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:40,952 - IT WORKS. - OH, I GOT TO TRY THIS OUT. 75 00:03:40,955 --> 00:03:44,655 - YEAH. - UH, HEY, JEFF? 76 00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:47,388 YOU'RE A REALLY GREAT INVENTOR. 77 00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:49,734 - THANKS. 78 00:03:56,736 --> 00:04:00,406 IT WORKED! IT WORKED! 79 00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:03,277 OH, WHO AM I KIDDING? IT DIDN'T WORK. 80 00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:04,937 I'M STILL THE SAME OLD SCAREDY-CAT JEFF. 81 00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:07,275 - NO, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. IT DIDN'T WORK. 82 00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:10,851 HEY, JEFF, CAN I BORROW ONE OF YOUR PENS, PLEASE? 83 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:13,821 - YEAH, SURE. MY PEN! 84 00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:14,721 IT'S GONE! 85 00:04:14,722 --> 00:04:17,822 - IT MUST'VE DISSOLVED IN THE TRANSFORMATION PROCESS. 86 00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:21,385 - THE SUCCESSFUL TRANSFORMATION PROCESS. 87 00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:22,885 NICE WORK. I GOT TO GET IN THIS THING. 88 00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:23,956 - YEAH! - OH, AND, GUYS, 89 00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:28,674 SAY GOOD-BYE TO THAT GEEK-O MAN HANFORD YOU ONCE KNEW. 90 00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:30,699 - GET IN THERE. 91 00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:40,983 - OH, MAN. 92 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:43,021 I GUESS IT WORKED FOR YOU TWO AND NOT FOR ME. 93 00:04:43,017 --> 00:04:44,377 - I DON'T KNOW, MIKE. 94 00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:46,945 YOU LOOK WAY COOLER THAN YOU DID BEFORE. 95 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:47,994 RIGHT? - YEAH. 96 00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:49,718 LIKE, SUDDENLY I WANT TO SPEND 97 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:50,723 ALL MY TIME WITH YOU. 98 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,024 - OH, YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT. 99 00:04:52,026 --> 00:04:54,326 - AW, GEEZ, CHRIS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, 100 00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:56,658 BUT I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO PORK HANFORD 101 00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:57,864 SO BAD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. 102 00:04:57,865 --> 00:04:59,665 - TELL ME ABOUT IT. - WHAT'D YOU SAY? 103 00:04:59,667 --> 00:05:01,527 - OH, NOTHING, NOTHING. 104 00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:04,035 - HEY, CHRIS, JEFF, MIKE. 105 00:05:04,038 --> 00:05:05,468 - WHAT'S UP, MITCH? - AW, SWEET. 106 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:06,642 THE COOL MACHINE'S FINISHED. 107 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,010 YOU GUYS MIND IF I GIVE IT A TRY? 108 00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:10,909 - YEAH, SURE, GO ON. 109 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,681 - AWESOME. 110 00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:25,019 - COOL! 111 00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:28,085 - AWESOME. 112 00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:30,755 - GREAT, MAN. 113 00:05:36,035 --> 00:05:39,065 [dramatic pop music] 114 00:05:39,073 --> 00:05:40,513 ♪ ♪ 115 00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:46,037 - ♪ AND INTO THE DARKNESS I CAN SEE NO LIGHT ♪ 116 00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:49,646 ♪ AND THEN THROUGH THE DARKNESS ♪ 117 00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:53,350 ♪ NO, NOTHING CAN HIDE ♪ 118 00:05:53,354 --> 00:06:01,634 ♪ ♪ 119 00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:07,103 - ♪ HEY, IT'S ME, THE DRUMMER, I THINK DRUMMING'S REALLY NEAT ♪ 120 00:06:07,101 --> 00:06:10,001 ♪ I'M SITTING IN THE BACK, AND I'M KEEPING THE BEAT ♪ 121 00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:13,143 ♪ KEEPING THE BEAT, KEEPING THE BEAT ♪ 122 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:16,380 ♪ YES, IT'S TRUE I'M KEEPING THE BEAT ♪ 123 00:06:16,377 --> 00:06:19,847 ♪ ♪ 124 00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:22,677 [feedback] 125 00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:30,158 ♪ ♪ 126 00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:35,657 - ♪ I CAN SEE NO LIGHT WHERE THERE IS NOT LIGHT ♪ 127 00:06:35,662 --> 00:06:38,102 ♪ I CAN SEE JUST NIGHT ♪ 128 00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:43,138 ♪ WHEN THERE IS NOT LIGHT ♪ 129 00:06:43,137 --> 00:06:51,637 ♪ ♪ 130 00:06:56,783 --> 00:06:58,123 - ♪ HEY, CHECK OUT MY CYMBALS ♪ 131 00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:00,148 ♪ I BOUGHT THEM ONLINE, AND IF YOU ASK ME ♪ 132 00:07:00,154 --> 00:07:02,554 ♪ THEY SOUND JUST FINE ♪ 133 00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:04,656 ♪ ♪ 134 00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,988 ♪ KEEPING THE BEAT, KEEPING THE BEAT ♪ 135 00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:09,134 ♪ GET A LOAD OF ME, I'M KEEPING THE BEAT ♪ 136 00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:12,459 ♪ OH, BASS DRUMS AND SNARES, THAT'S THE LIFE FOR ME ♪ 137 00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:15,196 ♪ OVER BY THE HI-HAT IS WHERE I'LL BE ♪ 138 00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:18,142 ♪ KEEPING THE BEAT, KEEPING THE BEAT ♪ 139 00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:20,468 ♪ YEAH ♪ 140 00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:22,644 ♪ KEEPING THE BEAT, KEEPING THE BEAT ♪ 141 00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:26,513 ♪ I COULDN'T BE PROUDER THAT I'M KEEPING THE BEAT ♪ 142 00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:34,823 ♪ ♪ 143 00:07:36,856 --> 00:07:38,656 - SEEMS A LITTLE SHORT. 144 00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:40,829 - OKAY, WELL, WE COULD LENGTHEN IT. 145 00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:44,158 WE COULD ADD A VERSE-- - NO. NO WAY. 146 00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:47,574 YOU DO NOT MESS WITH OUR ART. 147 00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:50,968 - OKAY. 148 00:07:52,071 --> 00:07:55,711 - MR. COLEMAN, SEEING AS HOW THE JURY HAS FOUND YOU GUILTY 149 00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,809 ON ALL COUNTS, BREAKING AND ENTERING... 150 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,181 - OKAY. - GRAND LARCENY, 151 00:07:59,179 --> 00:08:00,679 AGGRAVATED ASSAULT... - MM-HMM. 152 00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:03,181 - AND THREE COUNTS OF FIRST-DEGREE MURDER... 153 00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:04,683 - OKAY. - I AM SENTENCING YOU 154 00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:08,185 TO THE MAXIMUM, LIFE IN PRISON WITHOUT PAROLE. 155 00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:09,918 - YEAH, LOOK. 156 00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:12,123 I JUST CAN'T DO THIS, OKAY? 157 00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:13,525 - WHAT? 158 00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:16,797 - I JUST CAN'T, OKAY? 159 00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:19,157 - BUT WE WENT THROUGH A TRIAL. 160 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,526 - I KNOW, I KNOW, AND I APOLOGIZE. 161 00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:22,595 I KNOW. 162 00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:25,203 EVERYONE CAN HATE ME, BUT I CAN'T DO IT. 163 00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:28,205 - WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 164 00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,538 YOU JUST GONNA STAND THERE? 165 00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:33,814 KEVIN, WAIT. KEVIN! 166 00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:35,714 LISTEN, I KNOW IT'S A HARSH SENTENCE, 167 00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:37,916 BUT YOU'LL SERVE IT AT SAN MARCOS PENITENTIARY. 168 00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,248 THAT'S A GOOD FACILITY. 169 00:08:39,253 --> 00:08:42,993 - IT'S NOT THAT. 170 00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:44,090 IT'S THIS. 171 00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:45,261 - WHAT? 172 00:08:45,259 --> 00:08:47,629 - LOOK, I'VE BEEN IN AND OUT OF PRISONS MY WHOLE LIFE, 173 00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:52,228 BUT THIS ISN'T GONNA WORK FOR ME AND WHAT I NEED RIGHT NOW. 174 00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:55,572 I'M SORRY. 175 00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:59,699 I'LL SEE YOU AROUND. 176 00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:02,606 - WAIT. 177 00:09:02,609 --> 00:09:05,309 IT'S OVER. 178 00:09:14,987 --> 00:09:16,857 - RAISE YOUR EXPECTATIONS 179 00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:18,917 FOR THE FEEL-WELL MOVIE OF THE MOMENT. 180 00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:22,256 COME SEE THE CONTRAPTION! 181 00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:23,632 COME SEE! 182 00:09:23,630 --> 00:09:26,300 THE ILLUSION OF MOVEMENT ON A STATIONARY SCREEN. 183 00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:29,270 MORONS AND RUBES, JOIN ME! 184 00:09:29,269 --> 00:09:30,269 YOU'LL SEE A THING! 185 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:33,000 WHAT'S UNDERNEATH THE TARP? 186 00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:36,306 SEE CONTRAPTION, AND SAY... 187 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:40,113 YOU'LL BELIEVE YOUR EYES, SIR. 188 00:09:51,157 --> 00:09:53,017 - SO YOU SEEM A LITTLE WEIRD. 189 00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,056 - SINCE LAST WEEK, SINCE WE DID THE WHOLE-- 190 00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:56,192 - YEAH. - HEY, MIKE. 191 00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:57,156 HEY, GUYS. - HEY. 192 00:09:57,164 --> 00:09:59,904 - THANKS FOR MEETING ME HERE. 193 00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:01,800 THIS COOL MACHINE THING, 194 00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:05,202 HAS IT BEEN AS WEIRD FOR YOU AS IT HAS BEEN FOR ME? 195 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:09,335 PEOPLE ARE TREATING ME DIFFERENTLY. 196 00:10:09,343 --> 00:10:11,343 UNJUSTLY. 197 00:10:11,345 --> 00:10:12,905 - HOW SO? 198 00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:15,683 - EARLIER THIS WEEK, I WAS HEADED ACROSS TOWN. 199 00:10:15,682 --> 00:10:20,992 - HEY, TAXI. - THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED. 200 00:10:22,321 --> 00:10:24,061 I BARELY WAVED MY HAND, 201 00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,757 AND EVERYONE IN THE CITY WANTED TO PICK ME UP. 202 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,190 - HEY. 203 00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:31,226 - YES, UNFAIR TREATMENT. 204 00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:32,301 I GET AT. 205 00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:36,029 AS YOU KNOW, I RECENTLY MOVED INTO A GATED COMMUNITY. 206 00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:40,066 AND THAT'S WHEN THEY SHOWED UP. 207 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:43,683 I NEVER EXPECTED TO BE TREATED SO WELL. 208 00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:44,707 - SAME HERE. 209 00:10:44,711 --> 00:10:48,411 I HAD A RUN-IN WITH THE COPS THIS MORNING. 210 00:10:53,686 --> 00:10:56,046 I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. - YEAH. 211 00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:59,656 YOU KNOW HOW I WAS UP FOR THAT PROMOTION AT WORK? 212 00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:02,060 IT WAS CRAZY. 213 00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:04,102 I WAS TREATED TOO WELL. 214 00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,157 WE ALL WERE. 215 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,695 - YEAH. - HE'S RIGHT. 216 00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:11,200 PEOPLE LIKE US HAVE IT EASY IN SOCIETY TODAY. 217 00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:12,374 - IT'S NOT FAIR. 218 00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:14,172 - NO. 219 00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:23,979 - HOP ON YOUR FEET AND COME SEE THE CONTRAPTION! 220 00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:28,394 YOU'LL BELIEVE YOUR EYES, SIR! THANK YOU. 221 00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:31,358 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME. 222 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:32,088 HA-HA! 223 00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:37,732 I, THE OUT-OF-PLACE MR. Q. BINDERBENDER, DO HEREBY INVITE 224 00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:43,001 YOU TO FEAST THINE EYES ON MY MOST CREDIBLE, UNSTOUNDING, 225 00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:48,143 UTTERLY STRAIGHTFORWARD CONTRAPTION! 226 00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:55,046 HA-HA! LOOK UPON IT. 227 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:57,148 IS IT NOT EVERYTHING THAT I PROMISED? 228 00:11:57,150 --> 00:12:00,890 A CONTRAPTION OF THE MOST PLAIN AND BELIEVABLE, 229 00:12:00,887 --> 00:12:06,257 AS THOUGH MADE BY MEN IN A FACTORY SOMEWHERES. 230 00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:07,829 TRY NOT TO BLINK. 231 00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:11,158 YOU CANNOT, FOR DUST WILL FILL THINE EYES, 232 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:15,334 THE DUST OF OUR LORD, ABRAHAM LINCOLN, HIMSELF. 233 00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:19,435 WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY? - MM... 234 00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:22,309 - IT'S NOT REALLY A CONTRAPTION, THOUGH, IS IT. 235 00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:25,979 IT'S MORE OF A MACHINE, RIGHT? JUST A MACHINE? 236 00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:28,309 - NO, IT'S A CONTRAPTION. 237 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:30,075 - ONLY IF YOU'RE GOING TO CALL ANY MACHINE 238 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,923 WITH MORE THAN THREE PARTS A CONTRAPTION. 239 00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,449 [laughter] 240 00:12:34,454 --> 00:12:36,454 - WELL, A WORDSMITH. 241 00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:40,186 DO ENLIGHTEN US ALL. WHAT IS A CONTRAPTION? 242 00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:41,263 - WELL, SIR... 243 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:44,401 IT IMPLIES A CERTAIN WHIZZBANGERY, 244 00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,057 A CERTAIN CLAPTRAPPERY... 245 00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:50,966 ♪ WITH FLIPS AND FLAPS AND FLAPPERY ♪ 246 00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:53,471 [laughter and applause] 247 00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,313 - I DON'T KNOW ABOUT ANY OF YOU, 248 00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:57,778 BUT THAT MADE NO SENSE TO ME AT ALL. 249 00:12:57,778 --> 00:12:59,478 - JUST 'CAUSE HE SANG IT, YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT? 250 00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:03,249 HE'S SAYING YOUR MACHINE IS NOT COMPLICATED IN AN OFFBEAT WAY 251 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:05,450 ENOUGH TO BE LABELED A CONTRAPTION. 252 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,222 THAT'S A WHEEL AND A PUMP. 253 00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,420 SORRY, THAT MACHINE IS NO CONTRAPTION. 254 00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:11,362 - WELL, YOU, SIR, ARE AN IDIOT. 255 00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:13,418 - I'M NOT AN IDIOT. I'M A FARMER. 256 00:13:13,426 --> 00:13:16,826 THE TOWN IDIOT'S BACK THERE. 257 00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:21,230 - WELL, I DARESAY, YOU'RE ALL WRONG. 258 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:22,534 I'VE NO DICTIONARY MYSELF-- 259 00:13:22,536 --> 00:13:27,466 - WELL, I DO HAVE A DICTIONARY, AND I WILL LOOK IT UP RIGHT NOW. 260 00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,574 - ALL RIGHT. OKAY. 261 00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:30,936 YOU'RE RIGHT. 262 00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:33,044 IT'S NOT MUCH OF A CONTRAPTION. 263 00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:37,376 I OVERSTATED THINGS. 264 00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:38,824 WELL, GOOD-BYE! 265 00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:40,319 BYE-BYE. - BYE. 266 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,950 - BYE, EVERYONE. - BYE. 267 00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:43,445 - BYE. - BYE, MR. BINDERBENDER. 268 00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:44,386 - BYE-BYE. 269 00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:46,591 - GOOD-BYE, EVERYONE. - GOOD-BYE. 270 00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:48,593 - TA-TA. - THANKS FOR THE TWO CENTS. 271 00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,525 OFF WE GO. 272 00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,530 NEXT TOWN. 273 00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:55,832 WISH ME LUCK! 274 00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:59,536 - GOOD LUCK. 275 00:14:00,372 --> 00:14:02,212 - OKAY, IT LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT INCOME 276 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,209 FROM A COUPLE DIFFERENT SOURCES THIS YEAR, 277 00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:05,511 SO WHAT YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO DO IS GATHER UP 278 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,912 ANY W-2s OR 1099s YOU RECEIVED. 279 00:14:07,914 --> 00:14:09,314 - OKAY. - GO AHEAD AND COMPILE 280 00:14:09,316 --> 00:14:11,316 ANY RECEIPTS FOR BUSINESS-RELATED EXPENSES 281 00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:13,518 THIS YEAR AND ITEMIZE ALL OF THOSE. 282 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:14,420 - ALL RIGHT. 283 00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:16,421 - AND THEN ONCE YOU GET THE NECESSARY FORMS FILLED OUT, 284 00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,263 WE'LL GET YOU FILED. 285 00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:21,058 SOUND GOOD? 286 00:14:27,066 --> 00:14:29,596 DOES THAT SOUND GOOD? 287 00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:41,448 TOM! 288 00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:42,448 IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT? 289 00:14:42,449 --> 00:14:46,119 I MEAN, THIS IS ALL PRETTY STANDARD STUFF. 290 00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:51,519 - I'M SORRY. I JUST--I CAN'T DO THIS. 291 00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:52,224 - OH. 292 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:54,555 YOU KNOW, YOUR RETURN IS RELATIVELY STRAIGHTFORWARD 293 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,091 COMPARED TO MOST. 294 00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:58,256 THESE ARE THE BASIC FORMS, AND I'D HELP YOU WITH THEM-- 295 00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:00,525 - DON'T YOU GET IT? 296 00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:03,333 THIS ISN'T WHO I AM. 297 00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:04,596 - TOM, IT'S A RETURN. 298 00:15:04,604 --> 00:15:08,474 YOU'LL BE GETTING MONEY IN THE END. 299 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:12,275 - GOOD-BYE, NEIL. 300 00:15:16,382 --> 00:15:19,222 - HEY. WHERE DID TOM GO? 301 00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:22,519 - IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. 302 00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:25,522 - WAIT! YOU NEVER KNOW. 303 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:27,685 HE MIGHT--MAYBE-- 304 00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:30,234 - NO. 305 00:15:45,577 --> 00:15:46,537 - MY GOD. TEN YEARS. 306 00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:47,706 CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? - NO! 307 00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:50,484 - GOSH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK I'VE BEEN HERE IN A DECADE. 308 00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:52,123 - HERE YOU GO. - HEY, THERE WE GO. 309 00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,478 - ISN'T THIS GREAT? - IT'S AMAZING. 310 00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,416 HEY. HEY, HEY, HEY. LOOK, IT'S MATT. 311 00:15:55,422 --> 00:16:00,092 - WOW, LOOK WHO HE'S WITH. 312 00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,063 - HEY, GUYS. all: HEY. 313 00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:03,631 - I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY WIFE, TIA CARRERE. 314 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:07,200 - UH, MATT, I THINK WE KNOW WHO TIA CARRERE IS. 315 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,200 HI, TIA. I'M TIM. 316 00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:09,531 THIS IS MY WIFE SHEREEN. 317 00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:11,396 - AND I'M MIKE, AND THIS IS MY WIFE YOLANDA. 318 00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:14,614 - HI. - HI, NICE TO MEET YOU ALL. 319 00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:16,367 - SO, MATT, HOW'S LIFE? 320 00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:19,406 - OKAY, I GUESS. - JUST OKAY? 321 00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,012 YOUR LIFE LOOKS PRETTY GOOD TO ME. 322 00:16:21,014 --> 00:16:22,154 - YEAH. 323 00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:24,618 - YEAH, YOU'RE MARRIED TO TIA CARRERE FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. 324 00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:28,447 GEEZ, WE'RE STUCK BEING MARRIED TO SHEREEN AND YOLANDA HERE. 325 00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:30,215 OH, NO OFFENSE. both: OH, NONE TAKEN. 326 00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:32,093 - OKAY. - YEAH, I MEAN, TIA CARRERE 327 00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:34,662 AND I ARE REALLY HAPPY TOGETHER, BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME. 328 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,631 HOW ARE YOU GUYS? 329 00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:38,499 - NOT MARRYING WORLDWIDE SEX SYMBOLS, 330 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,428 I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH. 331 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:41,703 NO OFFENSE, HONEY. - NONE TAKEN. 332 00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:44,401 - I MEAN, YOU'RE NO DOG, BUT YOU'RE NO TIA CARRERE, OKAY? 333 00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:45,674 - BELIEVE ME, I KNOW. 334 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,742 - AND, MIKE, HOW ABOUT YOU? - HOW AM I? 335 00:16:47,741 --> 00:16:50,041 WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK AT MY WIFE. 336 00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,413 THAT MIGHT GIVE YOU AN IDEA. GEEZ, YOU WALK IN WITH THIS TEN. 337 00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:55,682 I'M STANDING NEXT TO, AT BEST, A TWO, OKAY? 338 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:56,612 NO OFFENSE. 339 00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:57,676 - WHY WOULD I BE OFFENDED? 340 00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,184 - YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY. 341 00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:00,715 YOUR WIVES ARE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. 342 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,450 - UH, YEAH. 343 00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:05,215 YOLANDA'S A DREAM. - [laughs] 344 00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:07,655 - NO OFFENSE. - TIA, I DON'T KNOW 345 00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:10,700 IF YOU NOTICED, BUT WE ARE NOT MOVIE STARS. 346 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,697 - UH, BELIEVE ME, SHE'S NOTICED. 347 00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,599 NO OFFENSE. - YEAH, AND POOR MIKE HERE 348 00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:16,671 HAS TO WAKE UP NEXT TO THIS WALKING TURD EVERY MORNING, 349 00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,269 NO OFFENSE, NONE TAKEN. 350 00:17:18,271 --> 00:17:19,741 I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DOES IT. 351 00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:22,439 - WELL, IT AIN'T EASY. - OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH. 352 00:17:22,442 --> 00:17:25,742 SURE, MY WIFE, TIA CARRERE, IS AMAZING LOOKING. 353 00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:30,205 BUT YOU GUYS NEED TO REALIZE THAT WHILE MY WIFE IS, YES, 354 00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:31,716 PRETTIER THAN MOST, THAT DOESN'T MEAN 355 00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:34,218 THAT YOUR WIVES CAN'T BE PRETTY AT THE SAME TIME. 356 00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,750 - OH, YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT. 357 00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:37,185 - OKAY. - THAT'S A GOOD POINT. 358 00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,760 - HOWEVER, IN A WAY, YOU TWO ARE RIGHT. 359 00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:43,658 TIA CARRERE IS MUCH, MUCH PRETTIER THAN BOTH OF YOUR WIVES 360 00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,403 COMBINED, TIMES A MILLION. 361 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,468 NO OFFENSE. all: NONE TAKEN. 362 00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:48,697 - OKAY, YOU GUYS. YOU KNOW WHAT? 363 00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:50,301 I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO EVERYTHING 364 00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:51,743 YOU'VE BEEN SAYING, 365 00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,498 AND YOU'RE RIGHT. 366 00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:54,706 I GUESS I AM THE ONLY ONE HERE 367 00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:56,707 THAT MAKES A LIVING WITH MY LOOKS. 368 00:17:56,709 --> 00:18:00,079 NO OFFENSE, RIGHT? 369 00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:05,780 - TIA, DON'T YOU EVER, AND I MEAN EVER, TALK ABOUT OUR WIVES, 370 00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:09,285 YOLANDA AND SHEREEN, LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN, YOU GOT IT? 371 00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:12,659 - AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR ME. 372 00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:17,759 COME ON, UGLIES. LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. 373 00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:25,100 - TIA CARRERE, THANK YOU FOR RUINING MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION. 374 00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:29,773 - MATT? 375 00:18:55,534 --> 00:19:01,314 - PEOPLE ARE TREATING ME DIFFERENTLY, UNJUSTLY. 376 00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:02,767 splash! 377 00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:05,835 - UNFAIR TREATMENT. 378 00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:10,815 - PEOPLE LIKE US HAVE IT EASY IN SOCIETY TODAY. 379 00:19:45,384 --> 00:19:47,924 - NO! 380 00:19:55,827 --> 00:19:57,297 - THEY HAVE IT SO GOOD. 381 00:19:57,297 --> 00:20:02,227 BUT, NO, THIS IS HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE. 382 00:20:09,841 --> 00:20:10,881 - ♪ WHASSUP? ♪ 383 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,277 ♪ UH-OH, UH-OH ♪ 384 00:20:12,278 --> 00:20:14,878 ♪ UH-OH ♪ 385 00:20:18,684 --> 00:20:21,694 - WELL? - WELL, WHAT? 386 00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:23,318 - DID YOU LIKE IT? 387 00:20:23,323 --> 00:20:25,523 - YEAH, 'CAUSE WE WERE THINKING THAT, IF YOU LIKED IT, 388 00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:29,885 YOU MIGHT WANT TO GIVE US SOMETHING. 389 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:33,526 MAYBE A PARTICULAR AWARD? 390 00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:35,833 - YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU AN NAACP AWARD. 391 00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:37,895 - IF YOU THINK WE DESERVE IT. 392 00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:41,674 - WELL, FIRST OF ALL, PEOPLE THAT WIN OUR AWARDS, 393 00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:43,984 IT'S AT A PRESENTATION CEREMONY. 394 00:20:43,977 --> 00:20:46,237 THEY DON'T JUST WALK INTO THE CHAIRWOMAN'S OFFICE 395 00:20:46,246 --> 00:20:47,906 IN THE MIDDLE OF A WEEKDAY AND HAVE HER WATCH A TAPE. 396 00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:50,284 - AH. TUXEDOS. 397 00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:52,853 CUMMERBUNDS. - OKAY, IT'S NOT JUST THAT. 398 00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:54,692 THE TAPE YOU SHOWED ME, THE WHITE GUYS 399 00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:57,387 TURNING INTO BLACK GUYS AND BACK AGAIN, 400 00:20:57,390 --> 00:20:59,990 NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING THERE. 401 00:20:59,993 --> 00:21:01,293 - OKAY. 402 00:21:01,294 --> 00:21:04,804 - GET AN ENDING, SOMETHING THAT SHOWS WHERE YOU'RE GOING 403 00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:07,467 WITH ALL THIS, LIKE YOU'RE SMART, 404 00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:09,897 LIKE YOU'RE MAKING A COMMENT. 405 00:21:09,902 --> 00:21:15,342 CAN YOU DO THAT? 406 00:21:16,942 --> 00:21:19,842 GUYS! WAIT! 407 00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:22,576 WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? 408 00:21:22,582 --> 00:21:23,752 - WE CAN'T DO IT. 409 00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:26,580 - WHY NOT? - IT'S TOO HARD. 410 00:21:26,586 --> 00:21:28,916 - IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A MASTERWORK. 411 00:21:28,921 --> 00:21:31,021 ANY COHERENT POINT WILL DO. 412 00:21:31,024 --> 00:21:33,564 PLUS, AS IT IS, YOUR SHOW'S TOO SHORT. 413 00:21:33,559 --> 00:21:34,989 YOU HAVE TO FILL HALF AN HOUR. 414 00:21:34,994 --> 00:21:38,964 SO JUST FIND OUT WHAT YOU'RE REALLY TRYING TO SAY, AND-- 415 00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:40,695 - LOOK. BARBARA. 416 00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:43,700 WE CAN'T DO THIS, OKAY? IT'S TOO HARD. 417 00:21:43,703 --> 00:21:48,673 - ALL RIGHT, WHAT IF I GAVE YOU AN NAACP AWARD? 418 00:21:48,675 --> 00:21:51,805 - YOU MISSED YOUR CHANCE. 419 00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:53,981 - WHAT HAPPENS NOW? 420 00:22:09,861 --> 00:22:13,561 YOU HAVE TO FILL HALF AN HOUR. 421 00:22:15,701 --> 00:22:20,471 ANY COHERENT POINT WILL DO. 422 00:22:21,807 --> 00:22:25,007 - IT'S TOO HARD. 423 00:22:25,011 --> 00:22:29,581 - ♪ WHASSUP? ♪ - ♪ UH-OH, UH-OH, UH-OH ♪ 424 00:22:29,582 --> 00:22:35,592 - ♪ BACK ONCE AGAIN, YEAH, I'M BACK ONCE AGAIN ♪ 30143

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