Original subtitles

[doorbell rings]

- THE TICKETS.

- WHAT TICKETS?

- I GOT US TWO TICKETS

TO THE FREDONIA DESERT MUSIC FESTIVAL.

- OH.

- YUP.

THAT'S THEM.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

OH. HERE'S A TICKET.

[laughs]

"THIS IS NOT A TICKET."

HM.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

NOW, THIS!

[groans]

THEY REALLY GO ALL OUT.

THIS IS A CRATE.

GO GET THE CROWBAR.

- ALL I COULD FIND IS A CROWBAR.

- THANKS.

♪ ♪

- FOLLOW ME.

- NO, DON'T.

- IS THIS THE FESTIVAL?

- NO.

COME, DANIEL.

WE HAVE MUCH TO DO.

- IN THE MEADOW OF SOUND YOU WILL FIND A ROCK.

ON THAT ROCK YOU WILL FIND THE TINIEST SEED.

NOW, TAKE THE COMPLIMENTARY SHUTTLE HOME.

- COME ON.

[doorbell rings]

- WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

♪ ♪

- THE LEAVES ARE THE TICKETS.

THE LEAVES ARE THE TICKETS!

- NO, THEY'RE NOT.

[laid back rock music]

♪ ♪

[warped music]

- LISTEN WITH YOUR EARS,

NOT YOUR EYES.

HEAR IT FOR THE FIRST TIME.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M DOING?

I'M SPINNING THE RECORD BACKWARDS

AND IT SOUNDS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

SO A SIMPLE SHIFT IN PERSPECTIVE CAN TAKE WHAT WAS ONCE FAMILIAR

AND MAKE IT SEEM LIKE A REVELATION.

YOUR HOMEWORK IS TO WALK HOME BLINDFOLDED

AND LIST EVERYTHING YOU SMELLED.

- OH.

- AND REMEMBER TO RAGE AGAINST THE SILENCE

AND RATTLE THOSE CAGES!

LET ME HEAR YOU!

RAGE!

COME ON!

RATTLE THOSE CAGES!

HIT THOSE DESKS!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU, MR. ROBLING.

- YEAH! - COME ON, MR. KIRCHUCK!

[yelling]

GET DOWN ON THE GROUND, MAHONIE!

GIVE ME A HULA, MR. SPENCER!

- [howls]

- MR. TURNER, WHAT IS GOING ON?

WHY ARE THESE BOYS MAKING SUCH A RACKET?

- WHY, BECAUSE I ASKED THEM TO, HEADMASTER PRIMWICK,

BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO WOULD RATHER

THEY QUIETLY LAY DOWN THEIR MINDS

AT THE ALTER OF YESTERDAY'S REGURGITATED TRIPE.

- THAT'S IT, MR. TURNER.

YOU'RE FIRED.

PACK YOUR THINGS AND LEAVE.

BOYS, I'M TAKING OVER THIS CLASS EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.

- SORRY, BOYS.

- WAIT!

YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE, HEADMASTER PRIMWICK.

- YOU GET DOWN, MR. FOWLER.

- SURE, MR. TURNER'S TEACHING METHODS

MAY HAVE BEEN A LITTLE UNORTHODOX,

BUT WAS HE SO WRONG?

IS IT SO WRONG THAT HE TOOK US

BEYOND THE CONFINES OF THE CLASSROOM,

LEADING US OUTSIDE, OFF THE PATH, THROUGH A MEADOW,

BY A BOG, AND DIRECTLY INTO A THICKET

FILLED WITH THISTLES?

- WHAT?

- THISTLES.

- THISTLES. SHARP LITTLE--

- YES, THAT'S WRONG!

- WAS HE SO WRONG TO HAVE US TEAR THE PAGES OUT

OF OUR MUSTY OLD TEXTBOOKS, PASTING THEM TOGETHER

INTO A SERIES OF SHORTER BOOKS,

WHICH HE IN TURN SOLD AT A LOCAL STORE?

- YES, THAT'S WRONG.

- IS IT SO WRONG THAT HE OPENED OUR EYES

TO THE WORKS OF MELVILLE?

- HERMAN MELVILLE.

WELL, NO THAT'S-- - NO.

MR. TURNER'S COUSIN, MEL VILLE,

WHO IS IN THE STATE PENITENTIARY

FOR PIGEON RACING.

- PIGEON RACING?

- WE'RE WORKING ON THE APPEAL.

- IS IT SO WRONG THAT HE SPENT HOURS

REGALING US WITH NOT ONLY CLASSIC TALES

BUT NEW ADVENTURES OF OLD CHRISTINE?

- THE COMPLETE BOX SET.

- HEADMASTER PRIMWICK, WHAT I THINK

THEY'RE TRYING TO ASK IS, IS IT SO UNFORGIVEABLE

THAT I BROKE FREE OF YOUR PRECIOUS CURRICULUM

BY REPLACING THE DIARY OF ANNE FRANK

WITH THE DIARY OF FRANK CALIENDO?

AND FURTHER STILL, IS IT SO WRONG

THAT I BASED THE ENTIRE MIDTERM ON THAT BOOK,

AND PRINTED SAID MIDTERM ON NOT PAPER, BUT WHAT, BOYS?

all: SLICES OF TURKEY.

- YOU BROKE THE COPY MACHINE!

- GUILTY AS CHARGED.

- MR. TURNER, THERE IS A LINE,

AND YOU CROSSED IT SOME TIME AGO.

- YOU TALKING ABOUT THE PUBE CONTEST?

- WHAT PUBE CONTEST?

- MR. TURNER CHALLENGED US TO CATALOGUE OUR PUBES--

LENGTH, WIDTH, AND CURLINESS--

ALL USING THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM.

I'M NEARLY FINISHED.

SEE?

- NICE JOB.

- MR. TURNER, IS THIS TRUE?

- ALL'S I CAN SAY IS...

YUP.

- MR. TURNER, YOU WILL LEAVE

AND YOU WILL NOT COME BACK.

YOU'VE PROVEN YOU DO NOT CARE ABOUT THESE CHILDREN.

- HEADMASTER PRIMWICK, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT,

BUT DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT I DON'T CARE

ABOUT THESE KIDS OR THAT WHAT I DO

HAS NO EDUCATIONAL VALUE OR THAT I LACK CHARACTER

BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT I ALREADY KNOW.

NOW, COME ON, GENTLEMEN.

WE'VE GOT A CONTEST TO FINISH!

[all cheering]

- LET'S GO!

- YEAH!

- WHAT KIND OF A FEATURE FILM IS THIS?

- HEY.

WHY SO BLUE, BROTHERS?

- HEY, HEATH.

WE'RE JUST MISSING OUT ON THE BIGGEST

CONCERT EVENT OF THE SUMMER.

- THE LEAVES WEREN'T THE TICKETS.

- [scoffs] THAT'S NOTHING.

1969, 100,000 DREAMERS DESCEND UPON A DAIRY FARM

IN UPSTATE NEW YORK FOR THREE DAYS OF PEACE, LOVE,

AND LEGENDARY MUSIC, AND I WASN'T THERE.

- WHOA.

YOU MISSED WOODSTOCK?

- THEY SAY IF YOU REMEMBER IT, YOU WEREN'T THERE.

WELL, I DON'T REMEMBER IT AND I WASN'T THERE.

- RIGHT. - 1967, MONTEREY POP FESTIVAL.

JIMMY HENDRIX LIGHTS HIS GUITARS ON FIRE,

AND I'M THIS CLOSE TO GETTING TICKETS.

- WELL, DID YOU GET 'EM? - NOPE.

I WAS IN OHIO VISITING A COUSIN OF A FRIEND.

- BADASS.

- BUT LIFE HAS A WAY OF BALANCING OUT.

WHEN THE BEATLES SOLD OUT SHEA STADIUM,

I GOT THE LAST TICKET OF THE NIGHT.

- WOW. - YEAH.

I WAS DOUBLE-PARKED AND PELL AVENUE

RIGHT IN FRONT OF A FIRE HYDRANT.

- THE LAST PARKING TICKET OF THE NIGHT?

- THE LAST PARKING TICKET OF THE NIGHT.

THE WHO LIVE AT LEEDS.

ME? ALONE AT HOME.

FRAMPTON COMES ALIVE.

I SPENT THE WEEKEND AT MY GRANDMA'S FRIEND'S HOUSE

SLEEPIN' ON A PLASTIC COUCH.

YEAH, THE ONLY CONCERT I EVER MADE WAS ALTAMONT.

FRONT ROW.

MY BEST FRIEND WAS MURDERED BY A HELL'S ANGEL.

- WOW.

- WELL, CATCH YOU ON THE FLIP-FLOP, BOYS.

BY THE WAY, WEAR FLIP-FLOPS.

THEY'RE GOOD FOR YOUR SPINE.

- SEE YOU, HEATH.

- I HATE THAT GUY.

- LET'S BE FRANK: THE DIARY OF FRANK CALIENDO.

CHAPTER ONE. "I AM BORN."

GO!

- IT WAS A COLD JANUARY MORNING. - AS CHRIS ROCK!

- [imitates Chris Rock] I CAN'T BELIEVE

THE BABY CAME OUT THAT UGLY.

- TELL ME, WHY WAS IT UGLY, CHRIS?

- [imitates Chris Rock] IT WAS--SEE, THAT LOOK LIKE

SOMETHING OUT OF PREDATOR.

- AND WHAT DID JOHN MADDEN THINK OF THIS BABY?

- [imitates John Madden] I-I WOULD HAVE EATEN IT.

I MEAN, THAT'S THE KIND OF--

[laughter]

- HANG ON. HANG ON A SECOND.

"EATEN THE BABY."

YOUR FIRST TIME WITH A WOMAN AS JEFF GOLDBLUM.

- [imitates Jeff Goldblum] AH, VERY WEIRD.

- AS ROBIN WILLIAMS.

- [imitates Robin Williams] OH, MY GOODNESS!

- SANDLER! - [imitates Adam Sandler] MOMMY!

- I WANT MY CLINTON!

- [imitates Bill Clinton] I WOULD JUST STOP AT A CLUB

AND SAY HELLO TO THE LADIES.

[laughter]

- TELL ME HOW YOU DIE, AL PACINO.

- [imitates Al Pacino] THAT BUS WAS COMING AT 200 MILES AN HOUR!

IT WAS COMIN' AT ME 65.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'...

THIS IS A PLACE YOU NEVER WANT TO BE!

- "WANT TO BE."

- I AM THE KEY MASTER. ARE YOU THE GATE KEEPER?

- [laughs]

GHOSTBUSTERS! I LOVE IT!

- HEY, TO MIKE, WHO, STARTING TOMORROW,

WILL NO LONGER BE THE WILD AND CRAZY GUY WE ONCE KNEW.

- ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

- WE'RE JUST GOOFING AROUND, MIKE.

LAUREN'S A GREAT GIRL, AND YOU'RE GONNA LOVE

MARRIED LIFE, BUT FIRST, WE'VE GOT A LITTLE SURPRISE.

- STRIPPERS! - WHAT? NO.

- AW, YEAH!

- WHOO!

- WHOA!

- ALL RIGHT!

YEAH!

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! STOP!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

GUYS.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE?

- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, MIKE?

- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

YOU GOT STRIPPERS.

I PROMISED LAUREN THERE WEREN'T GONNA BE

STRIPPERS AT THIS THING.

- MIKE, THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE A BACHELOR PARTY.

FOR THE STRIPPERS! - YEAH!

- AND WE'RE NOT GONNA TELL OUR WIVES.

YOU THINK I WANT KIM KNOWING

I WAS PARTYING WITH STRIPPERS?

NO THANKS.

- [sighs]

ALL RIGHT, BUT LAUREN CANNOT FIND OUT ABOUT THIS.

[all cheering]

- ALL RIGHT!

- YEAH!

- ALL RIGHT! - YEAH!

- THE STRIPPERS ARE STRIPPING!

- THESE ARE SOME GREAT STRIPPERS, JEFF.

VERY SEXY. - YEAH!

- YEAH, WHERE'D YOU FIND 'EM, JEFF?

- I JUST CALLED ONE OF THOSE NUMBERS IN THE PHONE BOOK

AND SAID, "HEY, GIVE ME THE TWO SEXIEST STRIPPERS YOU GOT."

- THEY'RE SEXY, ALL RIGHT.

HEY, GUYS, FOR AN EXTRA 50 BUCKS,

YOU CAN TAKE ONE IN THE BACK AND, YOU KNOW, SCREW!

- KNOCK-A-DA BOOTS! - YOU ARE COMING WITH ME!

- WHOO! - HOO-HOO-HOO!

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE. TIM, TIM, TIM.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

- WHAT?

- I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WERE THAT TYPE OF GUY.

THE TYPE OF GUY WHO WOULD CHEAT ON HIS WIFE.

COME ON.

- [sighs]

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M SORRY.

I CAN'T DO THAT TO MEG, BUT IF I WASN'T MARRIED...

- OH, I'D SAY "PLOW AWAY." SURE, SURE.

- GOD, LOOK AT JEFF.

THAT LUCKY GUY'S NOT MARRIED, HUH?

- WELL, COME ON. LET'S GET BACK TO IT.

- HERE WE GO! - WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

STOP THE MUSIC!

JEFF, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?

- YEAH. I'VE BAGGED TONS OF STRIPPERS.

CANDY, CRYSTAL, SAMANTHA.

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

BUT IS THERE SOMETHING MAYBE A LITTLE DIFFERENT

ABOUT THIS STRIPPER?

- BLONDE HAIR? - EXACTLY.

YOU'RE A BRUNETTE MAN.

WE ALL KNOW HOW MUCH THAT BRUNETTE STREAK MEANS TO YOU.

- THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A HUGE MISTAKE.

GOT TO KEEP MY STREAK ALIVE, BABY.

- YES. NOW, PLEASE.

LET'S ALL JUST WATCH THE SEXY STRIPPERS STRIP FOR US, OKAY?

CRANK IT UP!

- HE'S DOING THE PECK THING!

- IT IS PRETTY COOL.

- YEAH! - HEY.

I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE OFF. - WHAT?

HEY, YOU'RE NOT WORRIED YOUR BOYFRIEND BILL

IS GONNA FIND OUT.

- NAH, I'M JUST NOT THAT INTO THE ACT

OF TAKING CLOTHES OFF TO TECHNO MUSIC.

IT'S JUST NOT FOR ME.

- WELL, THAT MAKES ONE OF US, BECAUSE I LOVE IT.

- MIKE?

- OH, SHIT. - LAUREN!

- WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?

- IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK. - NO?

OKAY, WELL WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT IT IS,

BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE MY FIANCE IS A CLOSETED--

- STRIPPER ENTHUSIAST. - RIGHT.

OKAY, I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE ATTRACTED TO--

- THE IDEA OF HAVING STRIPPERS AT MY BACHELOR PARTY?

- EXACTLY.

THERE'S NO WAY WE'RE GONNA

GET MARRIED KNOWING YOU'RE--

- VERY HAPPY GETTING A LAP DANCE.

LOOK, LAUREN, I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET,

BUT THIS IS WHAT GUYS DO AT BACHELOR PARTIES.

WE GET STRIPPERS.

- LAUREN, IT WAS MY IDEA.

MIKE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

ALL HE DID TONIGHT WAS TALK ABOUT YOU.

- I LOVE YOU, LAUREN.

- OH, MIKE.

ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS LOVEY-DOVEY JUNK.

THOSE BEAUTIFUL BUNS AREN'T GONNA STRIP THEMSELVES.

- YEAH! - WHOO!

- LAUREN'S THE COOLEST.

- YEAH.

[laughs]

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT MARRIAGE!

all: YEAH!

[laughter]

- GREEN BEAN FLOYD.

[laughter]

- I AM A GREEN BEAN FLOYD WANNABE.

THAT'S WHAT THEY SHOULD WRITE ON MY TOMBSTONE.

"HE TRIED TO BE GREEN BEAN.

DIDN'T MAKE IT."

- ROCK AND ROLL.

YOU GET ROCK AND ROLL.

- I LEARNED EVERYTHING FROM THOSE OLD BLUES

AND FOLK GUYS, MAN.

- I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE US

OR THE STONES OR, UH, AC/DC.

NONE OF THAT HAPPENS WITHOUT YODELIN' SAMMY WATKINS.

- ♪ THERE'S A JUNE BUG ON MY SHOULDER ♪

♪ AND A CRICKET UP MY SLEEVE ♪

♪ I GOT A COCKROACH ON MY NECKTIE ♪

♪ THERE'S BUGS ALL OVER ME ♪

[sloppy guitar music]

♪ ♪

- "THERE'S A JUNE BUG ON MY SHOULDER.

THERE'S A CRICKET UP MY SLEEVE."

OKAY, THAT'S ROCK AND ROLL.

- WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, A LOT OF MY FRIENDS

WERE LISTENING TO HIP-HOP OR PUNK ROCK,

AND I DON'T KNOW.

IT JUST DIDN'T REALLY DO IT FOR ME,

BUT THEN I HEARD GREEN BEAN FLOYD'S

POSSUM PUDDLE.

I GOT THAT.

- ♪ OLD HARRY WAS A POSSUM ♪

♪ WITH A WHITE TONGUE PLAIN ♪

♪ BUT WHEN HE CAME A-SWIMMIN' ♪

♪ HE WAS LAUGHIN' IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ IN THE BACK YARD IN THE PUDDLE ♪

♪ BY THE DRAIN... ♪

- AND IT HURT ME RIGHT HERE.

HURT ME GOOD, AND I GOT--I WAS HOOKED.

- OH, BOY. LOOK AT THAT ONE.

TENDERFOOT WILLIAMS. GOD.

THERE'S A SONG ON HERE ABOUT A JUNE BUG

JOINING A BASEBALL TEAM.

SLICK KIP WIMPTON.

AH, GOD.

THIS ONE'S ABOUT TWO INCHWORMS ON A DATE.

- SO IN RUNNING FOR BLOOD,

I WAS DOING THIS KIND OF THING.

[fast electric guitar music]

KAP HAPLAN WAS KIND OF A...

[folksy guitar music]

♪ ♪

- YOU CAN HEAR THESE GUYS ACROSS ALL TYPES OF MUSIC THESE DAYS.

IT'S A TRIP, MAN.

[cheers and applause]

[wild dubstep music]

♪ ♪

- HERE'S MY TRACK, NASTY BIZNASS.

[wild dubstep music]

NOW, HERE'S SKEETER CLEET CALLAHAN'S

WALKIN' 'ROUND IN MUD.

- ♪ OH, THE TATER BUG ♪

SAID TO THE LITTERBUG

LET'S BAKE US A BRAMBLE PIE

♪ THE LITTERBUG SAID TO THE TATER BUG ♪

♪ WE CAN DO IT ON THE FOURTH OF JULY ♪

♪ MM-HMM-HMM-HMM HMM-HMM-HMM-HMM ♪

- YOU HEAR THAT? IT'S LIKE THE SAME SONG.

- CALE DONK, I MEAN, THAT GUY

WAS METAL 50, 60 YEARS BEFORE ANYONE.

- WHISTLING?

THAT'S PRETTY METAL.

- ♪ I MADE A $1.10 ♪

♪ COLLECTIN' OLD CANS ♪

♪ WIM-TIM-LADDIE-TOTTIE ♪

♪ WHITTLE-TEE-DEE ♪

♪ WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT ♪

♪ THERE'S A BUG ON ME ♪

♪ HOO, THERE'S A BUG ON ME ♪

♪ THERE'S A BUG ON ME ♪

- THAT IS REAL MUSIC, OKAY?

IF YOU LISTEN TO A SONG LIKE THAT ON THE RADIO TODAY,

PEOPLE COULDN'T LISTEN TO IT.

THEY WOULDN'T ACCEPT IT BECAUSE IT'S TOO REAL.

- IT ALWAYS SOUNDED TO ME LIKE RATTLIN' CAM HOLLINS WAS ALWAYS

FIGHTING WITH HIS GUITAR, JUST TRYING TO RIP THAT TRUTH

AND THAT EMOTION, THOSE GUTS RIGHT OUT OF IT, MAN.

I DON'T KNOW HOW HE DID IT.

[clumsy plucking on guitar]

- WHOO.

WHOO!

♪ ♪

- THIS IS BILLY FRICKLMAN, FOLKS, OKAY?

THIS IS THE ORIGINAL BUG MAN.

ROCK AND ROLL FOR THE PAST 70 YEARS IS DUE TO THIS MAN.

- ♪ THERE'S A CRICKET ON MY KNEE ♪

AND MY KNEE ON A CRICKET

[singing indistinctly]

- TELL US ABOUT THE BUGS.

TELL US ABOUT WHAT BUGS YOU GOT--

- [high-pitched mumbling]

- WHAT'S IN YOUR CAN?

- [high-pitched mumbling]

- ALL RIGHT.

[hums]

SEE, THIS IS IT.

[laughs]

- I TEND TO THINK WE'RE SORT OF

CARRYING THE TORCH FOR THESE OLD TIMERS.

I REALLY DO. I REALLY DO.

- CALE'S SAYING "[bleep] YOU.

I'M WHISTLIN'.

I'M NOT GONNA [bleep] PLAY AN INSTRUMENT.

I'M GONNA [bleep] WHISTLE."

THAT'S WHAT I'M LIKE.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

- I MEAN, HAVE YOU EVER HAD A CRICKET UP YOUR SLEEVE?

RIGHT. NEITHER HAVE I.

BUT THAT'S WHAT--

[laughs]

THAT WAS WHAT THEY WERE EXPERIENCING.

[laughs]

IN THEIR LIVES AT THE TIME.

[laughs]

OH.

OH.

WE OWE THEM EVERYTHING.

[laughter]

- BOYS! BOYS.

SHOULDN'T YOU BE IN CHURCH?

MASS IS ABOUT TO START.

- WE'RE NOT GOIN' TO CHURCH, FATHER.

WE'RE TAKING A PERSONAL DAY.

[laughter]

- BOYS, YOU DON'T WANT

TO GO TO HELL WHEN YOU DIE, DO YOU?

- HELL DOESN'T SOUND TOO SCARY TO ME.

COULDN'T BE WORSE THAN CHURCH.

[laughter]

- IT'S MUCH WORSE THAN THAT, MITCHELL.

IT'S A TERRIBLE, AWFUL PLACE.

- OOH.

- COME ON, GUYS.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

- ALL RIGHT.

- YOU'LL BE SORRY.

- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

[all cheering]

[tires squealing]

[crashing]

- WHERE ARE WE?

- I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT'S REALLY HOT.

I'D SAY LOW 90'S, AND IT'S A DRY HEAT

LIKE PALM SPRINGS.

- OH, WHAT HAPPENED?

- I DON'T KNOW.

LAST THING I REMEMBER WAS LOSING CONTROL

OF MY SWEET CAR, AND NOW THIS.

- OH, MY GOD.

YOU GUYS DON'T THINK WE'RE IN HELL, DO YOU?

- [gasps]

OH, NO! A BAT!

[all yelling]

- YIKES.

- THAT WAS CLOSE. - YEAH.

OH, NO! A--A SPIDER!

[all yelling]

- [gasps]

OH, NO! A SINGLE FLAME!

[all yelling]

- A PIT!

[all yelling]

- [wicked laughing]

HELLO, BOYS.

WELCOME TO HELL.

I'M THE DEVIL.

[all yelling]

- THE DEVIL?

OKAY, NOW, THAT IS SCARY. - YEAH.

- THIS IS AN AWFUL, SCARY PLACE.

LOTS OF BAD STUFF HERE.

WE CAN--THERE'S A SPIDER.

[all whimpering]

- THE FLAME. A COUPLE FLAMES.

[all gasping]

- LET'S SEE, UH, THERE'S A BAT.

UH, I BELIEVE THERE'S A PIT,

AND YOU'RE GONNA BE HERE FOR ETERNITY, SO.

[all yelling]

- PLEASE, GOD. PLEASE FORGIVE US.

WE DIDN'T MEAN TO BE BAD.

PLEASE TAKE US AWAY FROM THIS DARK AND SCARY PLACE.

- AH, COME ON.

WHATEVER.

- WHOA.

- GUYS, I THINK WE'RE IN HEAVEN.

- YES.

YOU ARE IN HEAVEN.

WELCOME, BOYS.

[laughs]

- THANK GOD.

HELL WAS JUST TOO SCARY.

- YEAH.

- WAIT, THERE'S NOT A BAT UP HERE, IS HERE?

- OH, YES.

WE HAVE A BAT.

BUT WE KEEP HIM IN A BAT CAGE.

PERFECTLY SA.

[all sighing]

- YOU CAN LOOK AT HIM.

- AND THERE'S NO FLAME.

- OH, YES, WE HAD A FLAME, BUT WE EXTINGUISHED IT.

SEE? IT USED TO BE OVER THERE.

TOOK CARE OF IT. MM-HMM.

- WHAT ABOUT A PIT?

- THERE IS A PIT.

PEOPLE HATE THE PIT.

THAT'S WHY WE FILLED IT WITH SAND, SEE?

YOU CAN BARELY TELL IT USED TO BE RIGHT THERE.

- GOOD. - MM-HMM.

- WELL, EVERYTHING HERE SEEMS GREAT.

- OH, THANK YOU. - WELL, HOLD ON.

ONE LAST QUESTION. - HM?

- THERE'S NOT A SPIDER HERE, IS THERE?

- OH, YES. THERE IS A SPIDER.

BUT WE KEEP IT IN THE-- IT'S OWN SPIDER CAGE RIGHT--

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

THE SPIDER CAGE IS EMPTY.

[yells]

THE SPIDER GOT OUT!

[all yelling]

- ♪ WELL, UP IN HEAVEN GOD STARTED TO SHOUT ♪

♪ THEY ALL GOT SCARED 'CAUSE THE SPIDER HE GOT AWAY ♪

♪ THE SPIDER'S OUT OF HIS CAGE ♪

[boisterous rock music]

- ♪ WAY DOWN YONDER IN TENNESSEE ♪

♪ I WENT A-COURTIN' WITH A BUMBLE BEE ♪

♪ SHE WORE A BONNET MADE OF SATIN ♪

♪ AND A DRESS SO BLUE ♪

♪ I WORE A VEST AND A PUMPKIN ♪

♪ FOR A SHOE ♪

- ♪ WHEN WE GOT MARRIED ♪

♪ ALL THE GUESTS BROUGHT MOONSHINE ♪

♪ AND I DID A LITTLE DANCE ♪

♪ I PUT MY SHIRT ON BACKWARDS ♪

♪ AND A TOAD ON MY SHOULDER ♪

♪ OOH, THERE'S CRICKETS IN MY PANTS ♪

- HOO!

- ♪ MY DARLIN' IS A BUG ♪

♪ MY DARLIN' IS A BUG-- ♪

- THESE GUYS ARE REALLY JAMMIN'. - YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE THESE GUYS AT FREDONIA FEST.

- REALLY? HOW WERE THEY?

- WOULDN'T KNOW. I MISSED IT.

- HM. - YEAH.

- ♪ I SQUISHED MY DARLIN' WHEN I GAVE HER A HUG ♪