Original subtitles

- AH, FRIDAY AFTERNOON.

PUT IN A GAT WEEK AT WORK.

NOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME AND CATCH UP ON ALL MY TV SHOWS!

GOT THE WHOLE WEEKEND AHEAD TO CLEAN OUT THE DVR!

- TIM!

GOT AN EXTRA TICKET TO THE WORLD SERIES.

WANT IT? MY TREAT!

- NOPE! SORRY.

I GOT TO CATCH UP ON MY SHOWS!

[whistles]

- HEY, BIG BOY.

YOU WANT TO GO ON A DATE TONIGHT?

CAN SKIP DINNER AND A MOVIE AND JUST GO BACK TO MY PLACE?

- NO CAN DO, LADY!

I GOT TO WATCH MY SHOWS!

[whistles]

- HOWDY-DO, NEIGHBOR?

WHAT'S IN THE BAG?

- POPCORN, SODA, AND BATTERIES!

- CATCHING UP ON YOUR SHOWS, HUH?

- YOU GOT IT.

[whistles]

HERE WE GO.

[TV beeping]

[sighs]

THIS MAY TAKE MORE THAN A WEEKEND.

WELL, BETTER GET STARTED.

- THE BLACK DAWN GROWS NIGH.

NIGH, AND NIGHER STILL.

- ALL LOCKED UP.

DANE, TAKE CARRIE BACK TO THE BUNKER.

- DANE!

THE GHOULS GOT ME!

[TV blipping]

- PREVIOUSLY ON MOTHERLAND.

- NEXT TIME ON UPTON MONASTERY.

- IT'S OBSTRUCTED PROGRESS.

- AND NOW THE SEASON FINALE OF EMPIRE BOARDWALKERS.

- YOU GOT TO WATCH GONE.

THEY'RE TRAPPED ON AN ISLAND.

- BALTIMORE DRUG UNIT IS THE BEST SHOW OF ALL TIME.

- POLITICAL CHESS RELEASED ALL OF SEASON ONE ON DVD.

- THE AMERICAN ONE'S GOOD, BUT THE BRITISH ONE?

- EACH EPISODE IS LIKE A MINI-MOVIE!

- A MINI-MOVIE!

- IN BALTIMORE WE KILL COPS WHO WEAR WIRES.

- MARKETING MEN IS GREAT, BUT IT'S NO MAD MAN.

- HAVE YOU SEEN MADISON AVENUE MAN?

[shrill, alienating beeping]

- HEAVY IS THE HAND THAT BEARS THE REMOTE.

[maniacal laughter]

[yells]

- IT'S ALL TOO MUCH!

[yells]

THERE'S TOO MANY SHOWS!

- THERE'S TOO MANY SHOWS!

- THERE'S TOO MANY SHOWS!

- THERE'S TOO MANY SHOWS!

all: THERE'S TOO MANY SHOWS!

- HI.

I'M EXECUTIVE PRODUCER, BOB ODENKIRK.

ARE THERE TOO MANY TV SHOWS?

YEAH.

DO YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEM ALL?

YEAH.

SO GET STARTED.

[rollicking rock music]

♪ ♪

[faint cheering]

- ALL MEN LIVE AND DIE IN THEIR OWN TIMES.

I WANTED MY LIFE'S WORK TO LIVE ON.

I WANTED TO BE A STORYTELLER FOR THE AGES.

ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO GET THAT GOLDEN SHOT.

THAT ONE, PERFECT, SHOT.

- THAT'S A NICE SHOT.

HEY, IS THAT A NIP SLIP?

COME ON!

HEY, JUST GIVE ME A LITTLE NIP SLIP.

COME ON!

- [snarls]

- NO!

A PICTURE'S WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS,

BUT THAT GOLDEN SHOT I WAS TALKING ABOUT?

BOY, IT'LL COST YOU.

AT THE END OF A HARD DAY,

IT'S NICE TO KNOW YOU GOT THAT ONE PERSON

WAITIN' FOR YOU AT HOME.

YEAH, MY HOUSE.

[laughs]

YOUR SOUL MATE.

YEAH!

[laughs]

- YEAH!

- YEAH!

[laughs]

both: YEAH!

YEAH!

- YEAH, THAT'S HOT.

HOT STUFF.

[laughs]

- HEY! MY SON!

- MY DAD! - YEAH!

- HEY, DAD!

- YOU'RE JUST LIKE ME!

- YEAH! - YEAH!

[laughs]

- YEAH! - YEAH, YEAH!

YEAH.

- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

- WHAT? - FIVE BUCKS?

YOU SAID YOU WAS GONNA GET A NIP SLIP TODAY!

- UH, CAN WE HAVE SEX?

YEAH!

- GET OUT OF HERE, TONY!

GET OUT! - [grunts]

- AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU GET A NIP SLIP!

WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF AT ROCK BOTTOM,

AND THE GOLDEN SHOT SEEMS SO FAR AWAY,

IT SURE IS NICE TO HAVE A FEW GOOD FRIENDS.

all: YEAH!

[laughter]

- COME ON.

WHO GOT THE NIP SLIPS TODAY, EH?

WHO GOT THE HOT STUFF?

- [chuckles]

- WHAT?

- THE GUYS AND I GOT YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING.

YEAH. - YEAH.

[laughter]

- YEAH!

[laughter]

- YEAH!

A NEW LENS!

ALL RIGHT!

HOT STUFF!

- NOW YOU'RE BACK IN THE NIP SLIP GAME!

[laughter]

- YEAH!

- YEAH, AND WHAT'S MORE, WE GOT A HOT TIP FOR YOU, TONY.

- YEAH?

- THE HOTTEST OF HOT TIPS.

- HEY, THERE SHE IS, BUDDY!

GO GET HER!

- ONE SEC, FELLAS.

[chuckles]

- HEY DAD, I'M JUST LIKE YOU!

- [snarls]

- [grunts]

- THERE--HEY, HEY.

[grunting]

- DID YOU GET IT, TONY? - TONY?

- TONY, DID YOU GET IT?

- TONY! - WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

- YEAH.

AND THERE IT WAS.

THE GOLDEN SHOT,

THAT ONE PERFECT SHOT.

- ♪ CROTCH SHOT ♪

- THEY SAY A NIP SLIP'S WORTH A THOUSAND BUCKS,

AND A CROTCH SHOT?

WELL, NAME YOUR PRICE!

[knocks]

- [gasps and squeals]

- YUP, I MADE ENOUGH MONEY TO GET MY SHITTY WIFE BACK,

NOT TO MENTION MY SHITTY KID.

YEAH! - [laughs]

- YEAH!

- YEAH!

- THERE IT IS.

- ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

I'M GETTIN' FREAKED HERE, MAN.

[crow squawks]

- WE GOT TO LOOK INSIDE!

- ARE YOU NUTS? - COME ON!

THIS IS WHAT WE CAME ALL THE WAY OUT HERE FOR!

- WE BEEN HEARIN' ABOUT THIS GUY FOR YEARS.

WE GOT TO GO SEE.

- WHERE'S HE GO-- WHERE YOU GOING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[porch creaking]

- WHO'S THAT?

WHO'S OUT THERE?

WHO ARE YOU? - [yells]

- GO ON, GET! GIT!

[all yelling]

- GO ON! GIT! GIT!

GODDAMN KIDS!

- GOD DAMN!

- DID YOU SEE HIM?

- NO, THAT'S THE END OF THAT.

I AM NEVER GOING BACK THERE AGAIN.

- YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?

WE GOT TO CHECK OUT HIS WEBSITE.

- WHAT?

[sighs]

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS?

I'M GETTIN' CREEPED HERE, MAN.

- SHH.

- YOU KNOW, MAYBE THIS ISN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA.

- COME ON.

THIS IS WHAT WE BOOTED UP FOR.

- [sighing]

[all gasp]

- HERE IT IS.

NO TURNING BACK NOW.

[all gasping]

[crow caws]

"YOU HAVE REACHED OLDMANINTHEWOODS.COM.

"THIS IS MY WEBSITE.

GO ON, GIT."

- WHO THAT? GIT!

[all screaming]

GO ON, GIT! GIT! GIT!

- OKAY! THAT'S ENOUGH.

- HOLD ON.

[all yelling]

- IT'S JUST A POP-UP AD.

[laughter]

- GUYS, WE GOT TO EMAIL HIM.

- NO WAY. - ARE YOU NUTS?

- NO, NO.

- JUST ONE EMAIL, THEN WE'RE DONE.

I PROMISE.

- HURRY UP.

- "HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

SINCERELY, THE GUYS."

[sighs]

OKAY. THAT'S IT.

- I GOT TO LIE DOWN.

- THAT'S ENOUGH.

[computer beeping]

LOOK.

- AN AUTO-REPLY?

THAT'S WEIRD.

- LOOKS LIKE AN ERROR MESSAGE.

"MAILER DAEMON.

"DELIVERY NOTIFICATION.

"YOUR MESSAGE HAS FAILED.

"DOMAIN NAME NOT FOUND.

RECIPIENT ID SERVER HAS BEEN INVALID FOR 200 YEARS!"

[all yelling]

- OH, MY GOD.

THE COMPUTER HASN'T BEEN PLUGGED IN THE ENTIRE TIME!

[all yelling]

- THAT'S JUST THE PLUG FOR THE PRINTER, BUT STILL!

THE EMAIL THING!

[all yelling]

[laughter]

- YEAH!

- YEAH.

- FRIENDSHIP IS A QUIET THING...

- NIP SLIPS.

[laughter]

- A PETAL CARRIED KINDLY...

- TIT PIC.

- IT STIRS THE SOUL AND GIVES US WINGS...

all: YEAH! YEAH.

- WE FALL, HOWEVER, BLINDLY...

- CLAM CLICK.

all: AW!

[all speaking at once]

- TOGETHER, WHOLE, WE PLEDGE OURSELVES...

- YEAH!

[laughter]

- AT BEGINNINGS AND THROUGH ENDS...

- YEAH! - YEAH.

- YEAH.

- AND O'ER THE EARTH WE FLY...

- YOU KNOW WHAT? I LOVE ALL OF YOU.

all: YEAH!

- ME AND MY SHITTY FRIENDS.

- YEAH. - I GOT YOU BEAT.

TAKE A LOOK.

- HUH?

GLANS GLIMPSE?

- YEAH!

- OH!

- THE GLANS IS THE TOP OF THE PENIS.

YEAH!

[laughter]

- SO MANY PLOT TWISTS, MY HEAD IS SPINNING.

- I WAS CRYING.

- I MEAN, TV IS SO GOOD THESE DAYS.

- BEST MOVIES NOW ARE TV.

- JUST KILL OFF A CHARACTER EVERY WEEK.

- MY DVR'S LIKE, CONSTANTLY RUNNING.

IT'S PROBABLY MAD AT ME.

- THE TV NEVER GOES OFF IN MY PLACE.

IT NEVER GOES--NEVER GOES OFF.

- ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

QUIET DOWN, GUYS. SHH. SHH. HEY.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING.

LET'S STRAP IN BECAUSE IT'S TIME

FOR THE SEASON THREE PREMIERE

OF THE WACKY MITCH DUDE HOUR, ALL RIGHT?

[all clapping]

- ALL RIGHT! - YEAH!

- [laughs]

[clock ticking]

- IS THIS SHOW REALLY THAT GOOD?

- YEAH. IT'S THE BEST.

- YOU SURE YOU WANT TO START ON SEASON THREE?

SEASON'S ONE AND TWO ARE AMAZING.

- THAT'S OKAY.

I GAVE UP ON THAT SORT OF VIEWING.

THREW MY DVR OUT THE WINDOW AND I YELLED, AND--

- SHH!

THE SHOW'S STARTING.

- ♪ OH MINUTE ONE ♪

♪ HAVING FUN ♪

♪ EVERYTHING'S BEAUTIFUL UNDER THE SUN ♪

♪ THE BIRDS ARE SINGING ♪

♪ IT'S THE PERFECT DAY ♪

♪ AND THERE'S ONE MORE THING I GOT TO SAY ♪

♪ HELLO AND HERE WE GO ♪

♪ IT'S THE WACKY MITCH-DUDE HOUR COMEDY SHOW! ♪

COME ON, MINUTE ONE!

YOU'RE LATE!

THERE HE IS.

LET ME SEE SOME MOVES FROM YOU, BUDDY.

- OH!

- WHAT AN UNBELIEVABLE START TO THE SEASON.

- SHH.

- WHAT IS THIS, A KIDS SHOW?

KIDS SHOW?

- ♪ MI-I-I-NUTE TWO-O-O-O ♪

♪ MINUTE TWO! ♪

TWO!

- STRIKE THREE!

- SO THE WHOLE SHOW'S JUST HIM COUNTING THE MINUTES?

- MINUTE THREE.

- IT'S MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

JUST WATCH.

- ♪ LOVING YOU ♪

- I MISS ANYTHING GOOD?

- MINUTE 46 WAS AMAZING.

I WAS IN TEARS.

- SHH!

- IT WAS TIM, NOT ME!

- [singing in foreign language]

♪ ♪

- ♪ 47 ♪

- ♪ MINUTE 47 ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ 47 ♪

- ♪ MINUTE 47 ♪

♪ ♪

- AW. - I DON'T GET IT.

WHY'S HE ALWAYS KISSIN' THE SEVENS?

- SEASON TWO, MAN! - WHAT?

THEY EXPLAIN HIS WEIRD FETISH WITH SEVENS IN SEASON TWO?

all: SHUT UP!

- NO! I WON'T SHUT UP, OKAY?

THIS SHOW'S WEIRD! IT'S STUPID!

I'M NOT GONNA PRETEND I LIKE IT ANYMORE.

- WELL, WE ARE TRYING TO WATCH.

all: OH!

- HEY! - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- THIS SHOW SUCKS!

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

A LOT OF THE SHOWS YOU GUYS WATCH SUCK!

WASTE ALL YOUR DUMB TIME WATCHING YOUR STUPID SHOWS!

- HE'S WRONG.

- IT'S NOT OUR FAULT YOU DON'T LIKE 'EM.

NOBODY'S MAKING YOU WATCH.

- DICK.

- HE DIDN'T EVEN SEE MINUTE 46.

- WELL, I'M NOT GONNA WATCH ANYMORE, OKAY?

THE BLACK DAWN GROWS NIGH, AND NIGH, AND NIGHER STILL!

AND I'M NOT WASTING ANY MORE OF MY LIFE

IN FRONT OF THIS STUPID BOX!

[screams]

- TIM, NO!

[clattering]

- HEY, DAD.

WANT TO PLAY CATCH AFTER SCHOOL?

- SORRY, BUD. I JUST DON'T HAVE TIME.

I GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO HERE.

YOU UNDERSTAND, OF COURSE.

- HEY, DAD.

WHAT TIME ARE WE GOING TO THE MOVIES ON SATURDAY?

- SORRY, SWEETIE.

I'M GONNA BE PRETTY SWAMPED ALL WEEKEND.

MAYBE ANOTHER TIME, HUH?

- OH. OKAY.

MAYBE ANOTHER TIME THEN.

- MM-HMM.

- [sighs]

- I AM SO SORRY.

I HAD TO STAY LATE AT WORK.

I JUST--I DIDN'T HAVE TIME!

- KEN, I FEEL LIKE WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN MONTHS.

YOU HAVE TO START MAKING TIME

FOR THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN YOUR LIFE.

YOU HAVE TO.

- [sighs] I KNOW, CLAIR.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I HAVE BEEN SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME

AWAY FROM THE THINGS I LOVE.

I PROMISE YOU IT'S GONNA CHANGE.

- I KNEW YOU WOULD!

I KNEW YOU WOULD.

- ♪ WELL, THE DAD HAD A FAMILY ♪

♪ THAT WAS IN HIS WAY ♪

♪ HE HAD MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO FILL HIS DAYS ♪

♪ THERE WERE BURGERS TO GRILL AND FRISBEE TO PLAY ♪

♪ HE STILL WENT TO WORK BUT THAT WAS OKAY ♪

♪ THE IMPORTANT THINGS TO HIM DIDN'T INCLUDE HIS FAMILY ♪

♪ HE'D MUCH RATHER WATER SKI ♪

♪ MAN, THE DAD LIKED TO WATER SKI ♪

♪ HE SAID OUR JOURNEY GOES ON ♪

♪ WE DO WHAT WE CAN ♪

♪ ENJOY OUR LIVES AND HELP OUR FELLOW MAN ♪

♪ WE GOT TO MAKE TIME FOR WHAT'S IMPORTANT IN LIFE ♪

♪ THE DAD LEARNED THIS WITH THE HELP ♪

- YOU HAVE TO START MAKING TIME

FOR THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN YOUR LIFE.

- ♪ OF A LADY HE KNOWS ♪

- YOU WANT TO PLAY CHESS?

- NO.

- ♪ OOH, WE GOT TO MAKE TIME ♪

♪ FOR THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN OUR LIFE ♪

♪ BEFORE IT ALL SLIPS BY ♪

- CAN YOU MAKE IT OUT TO KEN?

[laughter]

- "NOTHIN' BUT FUN."

- HEY, KEN.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR WIFE AND FAMILY?

- [laughs] I DON'T KNOW!

- ♪ AND THE DAD STAYED UP LATE AND SLEPT TILL NOON ♪

♪ HIS WIFE AND KIDS SAID HE WAS A BUFFOON ♪

♪ ONE THING'S FOR SURE ♪

♪ IF HE SEES THEM AGAIN ♪

♪ IT'LL BE A BUMMER THEN ♪

- ♪ YOU KNOW HE'LL HAVE A BUMMER TIME THEN ♪

YEAH.

[keyboard clattering]

[modem howling]

- HOW MANY VIEWS MY WEBSITE GET?

- UH, LOOKS LIKE YOU HAD SEVEN HITS THIS WEEK...

AND ONE MORE JUST NOW.

- EIGHT VIEWS?

HOW COME PEOPLE WON'T LEAVE MY WEBSITE ALONE?

YOU SAID YOU'D MAKE IT CREEPY!

- [sighs]

WELL, YOU WANT ME TO TURN UP THE CREEPINESS A BIT MORE?

- YEAH!

- OKAY.

LET ME SEE HERE.

THIS OUGHT TO DO IT.

- OOH! LOOK AT THAT SPIDER.

OOH! A SKELETON HEAD.

THAT'S SCARY.

[cackles]

THANK YOU, I.T. MAN.

- [gasps]

- ♪ OH, MINUTE 1 ♪

♪ HAVING FUN ♪

♪ EVERYTHING'S BEAUTIFUL UNDER THE SUN ♪

♪ THE BIRDS ARE SINGING, IT'S THE PERFECT DAY ♪

♪ THERE'S JUST ONE MORE THING I GOT TO SAY ♪

♪ HELLO, AND HERE WE GO ♪

♪ IT'S THE WACKY MITCH DUDE HOUR COMEDY SHOW! ♪

WATCH YOURSELF, KID.

YOU'RE GONNA RUIN YOUR SUIT.

YEAH.

- YOU! - HUH?

- I HATE YOU!

SCREW YOU!

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

HAVEN'T YOU SEEN MY SHOW?

I'M WACKY MITCH DUDE.

- YEAH, I'VE SEEN YOUR SHOW.

IT SUCKS, OKAY?

IT JUST LOST ME ALL MY FRIENDS.

- DID YOU SEE MINUTE 46?

- NO, I HAVEN'T SEEN MINUTE 46.

WHO CARES? THEY ALL SUCK.

- DO YOURSELF A FAVOR, KID.

WATCH MINUTE 46.

♪ OH, MINUTE 1 ♪

♪ HAVING FUN ♪

♪ EVERYTHING'S BEAUTIFUL... ♪

- [coughs]

- WHO DID THIS TO YOU, MINUTE 46?

- IT WAS MINUTE 2.

HE WAS EVIL THE WHOLE TIME.

- OH, MY GOD.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

ARE YOU GONNA BE OKAY?

- I WILL BE IF YOU BELIEVE I WILL.

- I DO.

- [coughs]

- IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

- ♪ LIFE IS A JOURNEY ♪

♪ KEEP ON TRYING ♪

♪ DON'T STOP LAUGHING ♪

♪ DON'T STOP CRYING ♪

♪ MEMORIES LAST EVEN WHEN OUR TIME IS THROUGH ♪

♪ JUST NEVER LOSE ♪

♪ THE LOVE YOU HAVE IN YOU ♪

- PRETTY GOOD SHOW.

- I HAVE PARADED MYSELF ABOUT THIS KINGDOM LIKE A COMMON FOOL.

THE BLACK DAWNOESN'T GROW NIGH, NIGH, AND NIGHER STILL.

IF ANYTHING IT DRAWS FAR, FAR, AND FARTHER AWAY.

NOW, THE WINDS OF CHANGE.

THE WINDS OF CHANGE MAY DRAW NIGH,

BUT I CAN'T TELL ANYMORE.

MY CONFIDENCE IS SHOT.

I WAS SO SURE,

SO SURE THE TRIBES OF THE HINTERLANDS WERE GONNA ATTACK,

OR AT LEAST--

AT LEAST THE DRECKMORE BEASTS OF THE SOUTH HILLS,

BUT I WAS GUESSING.

I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL DO I KNOW?

OH, I'M JUST REMEMBERING SOME OF THE THINGS I SAID

WHEN I THOUGHT THE BLACK DAWN WAS NIGH.

OH, I MUST HAVE SOUNDED LIKE SUCH AN ASS!

[sighs]

IT WAS A MESS.

IT WAS A MESS!

[sighs]

WELL, ANYWAY.

CHRISTOPHE SAYS YOU'RE THE BEST WHORE IN THE STABLE,

SO LET'S SEE IF WE CAN'T SEND THIS KING TO BED SATISFIED, EH?

I'M GETTING A BONER!

- ABSOLUTELY.